01x04 - Nicole's First Date

[bunniefuu]

My name is
Nicole Bradford.

This is Michael.
He's my father.

He works uptown.
He dresses in a suit.

This is Joey.
He's my other father.

He's an artist. We all live
in his loft, downtown.

Michael and Joey
inherited me from my mom.

This is the judge
that put us together.

She says everything's
gonna work out just fine.

And if they screw up,
I'll fix it.

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side ?

? I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

[BASKETBALL BOUNCING]

[BEN BERNIE'S "SWEET GEORGIA
BROWN" PLAYING]

[IMITATES CHICK HEARN]
Seven seconds on the sh*t clock.

It's Magic. He fakes left.
He fakes right.

He drives in for the layup!

I'm ho-- Ah!
What are you doing?

[NORMALLY]
Game six, ' finals.

Come on, wanna play
a little one on one?

Gimme a break.
Some of us worked today.

Hey, there is no tomorrow
for one of these two teams.

Come on. I'm tired.
I'm b*at.

You double dribbled.
Gimme the ball.

Earn it.

All right,
game, gotta win by two,

and you can't use
the furniture as a pick.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.
I'm not ready.

Okay, I'm ready.

[IMITATES CHICK HEARN]
Joey Harris.

He fakes left.

He moves in. He's gone!

He's-- Ah!

Hi, Dad.

He's out of bounds. My ball.

Hey, honey.
How was school?

School was great,
lunch was wonderful,

and algebra was tremendous.

It's so good to be alive.

Honey, what's going on?

Nothing.
Just cleaning up in here.

Something's going on.

Nothing's going on.
She's a happy kid.

She's doing the dishes
without being told.

She wants something.
She's gonna ask us for a horse.

Michael, she is happy
because we are doing

such a great job as parents.
I mean, look at her.

She's singing, she's smiling.

She's possessed by
Patty Duke.

I think I'll go
straighten up my room now.

A -year-old girl, singing,
and happy, cleaning up.

Uh-oh.

What?

Uh-oh.

What is it?

Look at what she drew
on her notebook.

That's a bunch of doodling,
so what?

Not just doodling.

Hearts with arrows
going through them.

Joe, these are...

love doodles.

Nah.
Yeah.

Nah, they can't be
love doodles.

She's way too young.

Oh, yeah? Hearts with arrows
going through them?

She's either in love or
she's an Apache cardiologist.

[PHONE RINGING]

I got it!

She's only years old.

She can't have a boy
in her life already.

It's for me. Hello?

[SIGHS, GIGGLES]
Oh, hi.

It's too late, Joe.
We've lost her.

I'm really glad you called.

[GIGGLING]
Yeah, I really am.

No. not yet.
We just got her.

Saturday?

This Saturday?

Listen to this,
he's asking her out on a date.

A date? She's not old enough
to go out on a date.

Oh, come on. How old
were you on your first date?

It's not the same with guys.

Oh, a little
double standard here?

Come on.
How old were you?

Eight.

Eight?

Yeah, eight. How old were you?

Seven.
Right.

Okay, I was ,
but the girl was seven.

This. You know
why this is wonderful?

Because in
a few seconds, Joe,

our little daughter is gonna
timidly ask us for permission

to go on her very first date
with a boy.

And do you know
what we'll do?

We will listen to her request.

We will ask her pertinent
questions about her young man.

And then with joy in our hearts
and tears in our eyes,

we'll say yes.

This is a great
father moment.

Okay, great. Bye.

Okay, get ready.
Here comes the timid question.

I'm going on a date
this Saturday!

The hell you are!

What?

What?

I didn't get my
little father moment.

I'm sorry, I was excited.
I should've asked permission.

But if I ask, can I go?

Maybe.
No.

Why not?

Because you're too young
to start dating.

But Michael said maybe.

Nicole, just give us
a few minutes alone, okay?

Michael, one word.

Please?

What are you doing?

What am I doing?
I'm protecting

our little girl's
best interests.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
Our little girl?

Our little girl
is on the brink of growing up.

I don't want her growing up
until she gets older.

Oh, hi, judge.
Help us out here.

We're having a little argument.

No, thank you,
I've already had one.

The interesting thing about
court is that

no one comes there to agree.

But then I get
a few minutes to relax

in my bathtub
directly below you,

but I take a brief recess
to come up here and tell you,

don't play basketball
in the apartment!

Thank you, gentlemen.

Hey, judge. Maybe you
can help us decide something.

Sorry, court's adjourned.

Nicole. First date.

The kid's got a date?

If we let her.
She's old enough, isn't she?

No. No.
As far as I'm concerned,

Nicole is too young
to start dating.

You trust her,
don't you, Joey?

Of course I trust her.
It's the boy I don't trust.

Why? What do
you know about him?

He's a boy.
That's all I need to know.

I just got her, I don't want
to lend her out already.

Let him date
somebody else's daughter.

Fine.
He can date my daughter.

You said you trust her. Trust
her judgment about the boy.

I want to see
what Nicole sees in the kid.

Maybe that'll convince me.

His name is Cory Kupkus.
He is great-looking.

I mean,
he looks like Bon Jovi.

Oh, I don't know.
No, no.

He reminds me of you.

[???]

Now, you're in the theater
with this guy.

Okay, that's your seat.
That's your territory.

Now, this seat
belongs to your date.

Cory.

For now, I prefer to think of
him as the enemy.

Dad. I know what I'm doing.
I'm years old.

Hey. This shirt
is years old.

Okay. Now, the only thing
between you is the arm rest.

Now, this is where
the battle is won or lost.

Now, he can't go under it,
he can't go through it.

He's gotta come
at you airborne,

hence the term,
"sh**ting him down."

When do I get
to watch the movie?

When it comes to cable.

Now, the minute you take
your eyes off that arm rest,

he's across the border.

It could be the yawn move.

It could be the
scratch-the-head move.

You see
what I'm saying here?

Look, the only defense you have
are your knees and your elbows.

I know, Dad.
Cartilage is my friend.

All right. Now,
at the end of the date,

if and only if he stays
on his side of the arm rest,

you can give him one kiss
on the cheek and that's it.

Now, knock 'em dead.

Oh, this is great. Perfect.
Don't move. Stay right there.

I borrowed this
from a friend of mine at work.

I don't want to miss
these golden moments.

All right now, Nicole,
I know it's a little Hollywood,

but while I got
the camera running,

would you mind very much

asking me for permission
to go on the date?

I really want a record of that.

Dad.

Okay, okay, okay, but I got you
something for your date.

You did?
Uh-huh.

What'd you get me?

Not so close.

[GASPS]
I don't believe it.

MICHAEL:
with the fringy things.

Hold them up for the camera.

Hey, there you go.

Michael, thank you.

I'm gonna go try these on.

Okay, okay.

Wait, wait, wait.
Would you do me a favor?

Would you just wave bye-bye?

Thank you.

Okay. Close the door.

Great.

All right,
I checked this Cory kid out.

He tries anything,
I know where he lives.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
That's him. That's Cory.

How do I look? How's my hair?
How do you like this outfit?

How about this sweater?
Is it me? I'm not nervous.

Hey, Nicole, look.
Get back in your room.

The girl's not supposed to be
ready when the boy arrives.

That way
they don't seem so anxious.

Oh, that's why.

Oh. Oh, okay.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I'll tell you.
Any kid that would date

a girl with two fathers,
he's gotta be one brave dude.

Or a moron.

Okay, this is
the moment of truth.

Our little girl's first date.

I'm ready for my close-up,
Mr. DeMille.

Sorry, judge, we thought you
were gonna be Nicole's date.

Oh, good then I'm not too late.
I brought her a little present.

Some nice perfume.
What kind of perfume?

Relax, Joey, this stuff is about
as erotic as Lemon Pledge.

[PHONE RINGING]

I got it.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Nicole's father.

Oh, hello.

You what?

What, you're kidding?

Why?

You sure?

Okay.

Uh, well, I'll tell her.

All right.

That was Nicole's date.

He's not coming.

What?

That little punk stood her up?

What are we gonna tell her?

I'm ready.
Oh, hi, judge. Where's Cory?

[???]

Where's Cory?

That was the judge
at the door, honey.

That wasn't Cory.

Oh. I guess he must be
a little late then.

Who was that on the phone?

Uh, it was a wrong number.

Joey, tell her.

Tell me what?

Nicole, honey.

Honey.

Michael's got something
he wants to tell you.

Thank you, Joe.

Nicole, honey.

Honey.

Don't even think it.

Um...

Sweetie, your date, Cory,

had a little problem.
and, uh,

he's gonna--
He stood me up?

I'm sorry, honey.
My first date.

My first date,
and I got stood up.

Why did this have to happen?

Well, you may have
inherited this from me.

It's okay.
You'll get over it.

It'll work out. Things always
work out for the best.

Time heals all wounds.

Somebody jump in.
I'm running out of clichés.

Nicole, honey, honey.

Hey, why don't we all
go out and do something.

Thanks, but...

I think
I just want to spend

a little time
in my room, okay?

Nicole, could I hang out
with you for a little while?

Girl talk.
Ah.

Well...I'm depressed.

If you need me, me and my head
will be in the oven.

Hey, I'm going to go
see this Cory kid.

Wait, wait, wait.
You're what?

He broke our girl's heart,
and I'm gonna get him.

Joey, Joey. Wait a second.

I've seen kids like this.

If nobody sets them straight,
they strike again.

What are you saying?

We're dealing with
a serial heartbreaker?

I'm going to his apartment.
You should come with me.

Why?

So you can go down on
the sidewalk and break his fall.

[???]

Hold on a second.
Have you given any thought

to what you're about
to say to this kid?

I know exactly
what I'm gonna say to this kid.

I'm gonna tell the twerp
he broke my daughter's heart.

And that because
he's still a little twerp,

he's safe from my wrath.

But on the day he turns ,

I'm gonna hunt him down
like the dog that he is.

That's very nice.

That's a very stable
attitude to have.

Joe, why don't I just
take you home right now?

Too late.

Yeah?

Are you the Kupkus kid?
Yeah.

Nicole's dating
a longshoreman?

You got
a younger brother, right?

Or a son?

He's on his first date.

Using the moves I taught him.
Been teaching him all week.

Oh, yeah?

That date is
with our daughter.

Well. Here's
an embarrassing situation.

The reason we're here is that
your brother never showed up.

Oh. Let me give you
my big surprise face.

So he does this
all the time, huh?

Hey. He's a Kupkus. Hey.

Go get him.

I want to talk
to the low-life creep

that stood my daughter up.

You do?
Yeah.

Well, I'll see
if he's available.

Good.
Hey, Cory.

Look, you picked a girl
with two fathers.

You moron.
I told you don't do that.

I'm very sorry, sirs.

I hope Nicole
isn't too mad at me.

There he is, Joe.

Get him.

The young
destroyer of hearts.

The dog you want
to hunt down.

The low-life creep you want
to throw out a window.

Should I open one up?

If you get a nice,
tight spiral on this kid,

I'd say you could throw him
to Staten Island.

Please, don't do that.

I'm not going to do anything
to you, Cory.

I just want to know why.

Why'd you stand Nicole up
this afternoon?

You broke her heart.

You know, that was
her first date.

Well, it was my first date
too, you know.

Yeah, but I taught you
everything you needed to know.

I taught you the yawn move,

I taught you
the head-scratch move.

It wouldn't have mattered, pal.
I taught her knees and elbows.

Oh. Professional.

Cory, what happened?

Look, you know,
I really wanted to go.

I took three showers,
I combed my hair for an hour.

You know,
I like Nicole a lot.

But all that stuff
you taught me.

I didn't want to do that.

I just wanted
to go to the movies.

What's the matter
with that?

Listen, squirrelhead,
let me tell you

about my first date,
all right.

No, let me tell you
about your first date.

You went to a movie.
You lost one of the tickets.

You spilled the coke.

The people in front of you
told you to shut up.

And then you went
to hold her hand,

and she put it in her pocket.
She kept it in her pocket.

And then at payoff time,

you walked her
up to her front door,

and for three months
you thought about that kiss

that you were
too scared to give her.

Oh, yeah?

You tell anybody,
Cory, I'll k*ll you.

Hey, we all had
the same first date.

Yeah, and apparently we all
lied about it afterwards.

[SIGHS]
He stood me up.

He called me.

He asked me out.

I thought he liked me.

What did I do wrong?

Nothing, sweetie.

We've all been stood up
in our lives.

Even me.

Really?

His name was Stanley Welker.

I was years old.

We were going together
for six months.

Then, one day
he just didn't show up,

and I never
heard from him again.

What happened?

I swore that one day
I'd see him, and I'd get even.

Did you?

It's funny how life works.

He appeared before me
as a defendant

in an insider trading scheme.

I looked at him.

I remembered how much
I cared about him.

I sent him up for years,
no parole.

Nicole.

Somebody here to see you.

Hi.

Hi.

Listen, you know, I'm sorry
I'm late, you know.

Traffic was m*rder.

No. Uh.

I got scared.

And that's a hard thing
for a Kupkus to say.

I was worried you met somebody
you liked better.

No way. There's nobody
in the world I like better.

Well, um,
we missed the movie,

but we could go
down to Klawicki's

and get some ice cream.

Great.

Thanks, judge.

Anytime, sweetie.

Well, Dads, um,
I'm going on my date now.

Yes, you may.

Cory, you take
good care of her.

I'll only buy her
the best ice cream, Sir.

Oh, and Cory,
at the end of our date

you can give me one kiss
on the cheek, and that's it.

Okay?

Better than my brother did.

Hey, judge,
thanks for all your help.

My pleasure, boys.

Oh, one word of advice.

Don't let Nicole catch you

when you spy on her
down at Klawicki's.

Judge.

We wouldn't do
a thing like that.

We're not
that kind of guys.

[???]

[???]