01x18 - Michael's Sister Comes Over and Visits

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Two Dads". Aired: September 20, 1987 – April 30, 1990.*
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Joey and Michael, who fought over the same woman 13 years ago now have, upon her death, been awarded joint custody of her daughter - who might be either of theirs.
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01x18 - Michael's Sister Comes Over and Visits

Post by bunniefuu »

How long is that woman
gonna wait for Joey?

Forever.
I've seen him in shorts.

How does he get dates
like that?

I refer you to my
earlier "shorts" comment.

Hey, come on, Klawicki.
You're an ex-jock.

Doesn't that help you
with women?

No. Quarterbacks' faces
were on TV all the time.

I was a center.

It's hard going up
to a woman and saying,

"Hey, baby. Remember me?"

Hey, Wick, hey, Judge.

There she is.

Hey, Joey.

There she is.
Ooh, look at you.

Oh, you look great.

Me? Look at that face.
I missed that face.

Aren't they cute?

Did you tell Michael
about us yet?

No. I'm afraid to.

Michael loves you so much,
I don't know

what he's gonna think
when he finds out.

Aren't they
cute and dead?

Hiya, boys and girls.

Oh, Michael.

Uh, you wanna see a great view?
Out this window.

You could sit here,
you could have a meal,

look out the window
at this great view.

Let's do that.

Who is that with Joey?

Look, Michael. Money.
Falling out of that building.

That's Lisa with Joey.

Now, Michael, sometimes
things aren't what they seem

at first glance,
and if it turns out they are,

maybe this Lisa
isn't good enough for you.

Maybe this Lisa isn't
worth getting upset about.

Maybe this Lisa's my sister.

[???]

NICOLE:
Cute, huh?

This is my dad.
And this is my dad.

How'd I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family.

With one dad
who's down-to-earth

and one dad
with his head in the clouds.

I-I think we're
father of the year.

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing by your side ?

? I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

Now, let me understand this.

I haven't seen my sister
in, like, two years,

suddenly she blows into town,

I don't know about it
but you do.

What is wrong with this?

It was a surprise reunion.
Surprise.

I planned the whole thing.

I was looking through
your old scrapbooks,

and I saw
all this stuff on Lisa.

Our family is so small.
I want to know my relatives.

Yeah, but how did you know
where to find her?

With Lisa traveling the world
all the time,

nobody ever knows
where she is.

Well, Joey knew.

Oh. Joey knew.

Well, then, let me
turn my head this way

and adopt
a quizzical expression.

Hey, Lisa writes me letters
once in a while.

She lets me know how
she's doing. You know.

No. I don't know.

My lack of knowing would be
in direct proportion

to the lack of mail
that I get

featuring my sister's
return address.

We're not speaking, Michael.
Remember?

Hey. I get mail from Ed McMahon,
we're not speaking either.

Hey, come on. Why are
you two mad at each other?

You're brother and sister.

Sweetheart,
we're not mad at each other.

Brothers and sisters have very
complex relationships, Nicole.

Let me turn my head
this way

and adopt
a quizzical expression.

They had a big fight,
and now they hate each other.

What'd they fight about?

You name it.
He says black, she says white.

They're the most competitive
people in the world.

Excuse me, I don't think
that's true.

Excuse me,
of course it's true.

Why, because
you say it is?

There they go.

They been doing that
since the day they were born.

Earlier.
Oh, that's right.

You guys are twins.

Yeah, but she's
the evil twin.

Oh, and it was
a pre-natal picnic,

watching you gestate
for nine months.

Very nice.
I happen to look back fondly

at our first trimester,
because, uh,

as I remember it,
you didn't have a mouth.

They're like
the same person.

That's what the main fight's
What?

You know, Michael and I grew up
with the same interests,

we had the same grades
on our report cards,

and the same prospective
bright futures.

I got my MBA, and Lisa--
Don't start.

Lisa graduated
medical school.

Gonna start again?

Not just any medical school.
Yale?

How about
top of her class?

You're a doctor?

How about that?

I went to medical school.

I finished.
And now I do something else.

No. What she does is,
she gets into her Jeep,

and drives
until she strikes jungle,

then gets out and takes pictures
of primitive tribesmen

pointing at her, saying

"Put down the camera,
we need a doctor."

Ah, but my brother's praise
is reward enough for me.

But if you went
to medical school,

why are you not
a doctor?

Ah, the torch has passed.

The $, tuition question

has just been taken up
by the next generation.

Well, Lisa,
you have the floor.

New inquiring minds
want to know.

Hey, Michael, you know,
people have

the right to move through
the phases of their lives

without the encumbrance
of other people's expectations.

Thank you, Shirley MacLaine.

Did you just make that up,
or are you

channeling Kublai Khan?

Thank you, Joey.

Once again, my hero.

And my only support.

[???]

Where you going?
Huh?

You're going someplace. Where?

Hey, I was sleeping, Michael.

Oh. Yeah.
You were sleeping.

And I was born yesterday,

and it's not
the middle of the night

and my sister's not
in the next room.

Hey, it must be :
in the morning.

You're sleeping too
and don't realize it.

Lie down and be quiet.

You and I gotta talk.

Why? Why? Why
do we have to talk?

Look, can't we just go to sleep
and dream of talking?

I've been up for hours,

'cause there are
things on my mind

that have to be asked,
all right?

[SIGHS]
If they have to be.

All right.

What is that thing
on Gorbachev's forehead?

And you ever sleep
with my sister?

Ask him. Ask her.

Neither of them speak
to me, Joe, is the point.

But one of them kisses you
and writes letters,

so there must be a reason
for this correspondence,

and I'm wondering
how close it is.

You're not gonna
like my answer.

Yeah, well, nevertheless,
I live for knowledge.

No. I never slept
with your sister.

[CHUCKLES]
like that answer?

Look at this smile
on my face, come on.

If it were any bigger,
it'd swallow my head.

Yeah. We never did
because we've got

more of a brother-sister
relationship.

That's fine. That's good.
At least I can sleep now.

Good night.

Good night.

When you say brother-sister
relationship,

you mean competitive,
fighting all the time,

'cause she throws
four years of med school

to become a Pygmy paparazzi?

No. When I say brother-sister,
I mean a closeness,

a trust.
You know, like friendship.

I told you you weren't
going to like the answer.

All right. She's my sister,
and you get along

better with her than I do.
How come?

I don't know. I'm an artist,
she's a photographer.

I guess we have
a common creative ground.

I guess it's bonded us.

What are you saying?

I don't have anything
in common with my sister.

With my twin? With me?

I don't have anything
in common with me?

I didn't say anything except
for lie down, be quiet.

You're not the only one who can
be my sister's brother.

And now that I'm a parent,

I don't want my daughter
to think that

her aunt and her dad
don't get along.

So starting now I'm going
to be much closer to my sister.

Which leaves...which leaves
only one matter unattended to.

Yeah?

What is that thing
on Gorbachev's head?

So, Taylor, how you doing
on that Berenger Report?

You mean the one
I'll do all the work on

and you'll take all
the credit for?

That's the one.

It's in great shape.
Excellent work, sir.

Thanks, Taylor.

So this is
the estranged sister

who's just flown back
to the nest?

Yep. That's Lisa.

I'm happy for you, son.
Tell you why.

It's important to have
a close-knit family.

Gives you
something to do

when you can't
find an excuse to go to work.

How true, how true.

I believe it was Ozzie Nelson
who said that first.

Speak of the devil.
Come on in.

Hiya, sweetie.

So, what do you think?
Oh, it's beautiful.

So this is where my brother
wheels and deals.

And what a future
he has with this company.

Know why? Tell you why. Because
if he keeps up the good work,

someday, someday, I'll let him
handle the biggies.

Like this, uh, Berenger Report
I just finished.

I live for that day, sir.

Lisa Taylor,
this is my boss.

Herb Kelcher, Taft-Kelcher.
Taft's dead.

How nice.

Hey, you. I remember you.
Nicole, right?

It's so nice to have kids
down at the office.

I mean
when they not mine.

Mine come down, I have to
introduce them around,

remember their names.
That's so annoying.

So, Lisa, Michael tells me
you are quite the shutterbug.

We were just taking pictures
down in the park.

She's the greatest.
All kinds of pictures.

She sees pictures in things
I thought were just stuff.

I am moved. Okay, Taylor,
let's talk turkey.

I have a huge client.

Publishes
architectural magazines.

He's in the market
for a staff photographer.

I think you'd be perfect.
You know why? Tell you why--

That's very flattering,
Mr. Kelcher--

We're talking
challenging stuff here.

Furniture.
Celebrity kitchens.

Elvis impersonators
in their digs.

None of this art crap
you usually sh**t.

Oh, that sounds very
attractive, but no thanks.

Well, Taylor, tried my best.

Lisa, what are you doing?

This is a chance to do
something with your photography.

You could live
in New York.

All the primitive culture
you want.

And you could
stay with us if you wanted.

Better.

Michael,
I can't believe you.

What?

You told me
I was coming down here

to just see where you work.

And, uh,
how do you like it?

This was all a plan.

It's been two years, Michael.

Two years. And you haven't
learned anything at all.

What do you mean? I'm trying
to do something for you.

Oh, like you tried
two years ago?

When you told me
we were going to visit

a sick friend in the hospital

who turned out
to be the medical director?

Who offered me a residency

based on an application
you submitted?

Are you gonna hold
an amazing coincidence

against me for two years?

I thought I was doing
what was right for you.

What's right for me
is my own happiness.

Michael, support me.

Support what I want to do,
not what you want me to do.

Okay. Makes sense.
Let's not fight.

Know why? Tell you why.

Brothers and sisters
shouldn't fight.

She's right.

Brothers should do
what they think is best

for their sisters, and I did.

Are you ready, Michael?
I wasn't happy in med school.

Medical school was so tough,

it made me throw up
on a regular basis.

But you never heard me
when I told you I was miserable.

I needed you to tell me it was
okay to quit, and you wouldn't.

The only one who would was Joey.

Come on,
you're twins.

If I had a twin sister,

all I'd do is tell her
how pretty she is.

Joey did what?

Who do you think convinced me

to follow my heart
and leave medicine?

Whose advice do you think
it was that changed my life?

Joey did what?

No, seriously. Number .
Don't you remember?

[LAUGHS]

It's for you.

I need advice.

Of course, Michael.

No, no, no, Judge,
not from you.

This time, I'm going
to the Oracle.

To the Grand Poobah
of life-changing stupid advice.

How can I help you,
my son?

Egg him on.
Wise choice.

You can help me understand
what possessed you

to tell my sister
to throw away

all of her aspirations
and all of her education

and trade it in for
the mm camera

behind Door Number .

You don't know
the whole story.

I know
you should've come to me.

Hey, we weren't talking,
Michael.

We were busy fighting
over Nicole's mother, remember?

You were dedicating yourself
to being a success,

I was making some changes
in my own life.

Come on. I was telling
my own family

that I wasn't going to be
joining their plumbing business,

that I was going to be trying my
luck at a career as an artist.

And my father went nuts.
He didn't want to talk to me.

There comes a time
when you gotta

take your own life
in your own hands.

Otherwise, how do you
call it your life?

We're not talking
about your life.

That's right. And we're not
talking about yours.

Who are you to say
what makes somebody happy?

Well, who are you
to make up her mind?

I didn't make up her mind.
I told her to follow her heart.

And she did.
You influenced her, Joe.

At the most pressure-filled
moment in her life,

after four years
of medical school,

four years in a pressure cooker,

you taught her that
it was okay to pull the plug.

You sang the siren song of
non-commitment, and she jumped.

Now my sister knows everything
except for how to commit.

Thanks.
Thanks for being there.

You're welcome, Michael.

And now watch this, okay?

This is called, "another
person's walking out on you."

Buy you a cup of coffee,
Mr. Tact?

All my life, I thought

it was so special
to have a twin sister.

We fought, we competed.

But it was good 'cause it
pushed us both to do better.

And then Lisa quit.

I felt really bad myself 'cause
I wanted us both to succeed,

even if it was
just to go on competing.

So now it looks like
all we compete at

is not talking to each other.

Hey, Michael.

It takes two
not to have a conversation.

Judge, it's too late.

She packed her things.
I don't even know where she is.

I do.

[???]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING,
CHEERING]

That was great.
Great poem. Great poetry.

I didn't understand
a thing he said.

Hey, I see your approach
finally worked, huh?

I can't believe I have
a date with John Elway.

Oh...

So I resorted to Plan B.

Good plan.

You're sure
this is where they came?

That's what they said.

A poetry reading?
That's great.

Now I can apologize to my sister
in iambic pentameter.

Michael, don't you know
about the poetry renaissance?

It's the thing of
the later 's.

Oh, really?
I can dig it.

It's a wonderful form
of expression.

Ranks right up there
with, uh, spin art.

Hey. Hey, look at this,
hey, guys.

Judge, do you believe it?
Here we are, we come to

our favorite poetry place,
and we run into these hepcats.

Judge, you told him
where we were.

Family harmony.

Puts a smile on my face.

Lisa, I don't mean
to intrude on your evening,

but I think it's time
one of us apologized,

and I've decided
it's gonna be me.

Now?

ANNOUNCER:
featured artist, Nigel Lunch.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

Nigel Lunch. All right!

You, uh,
you like this Nigel Lunch?

You bet.

He has a dark, brooding quality
that I find hysterical.

Thank you. Uh, tonight I'd like
to present my latest piece,

"Oh, Businessman."

Okay. I'm nervous.

Oh businessman
With your life all planned

Why don't you put on
Your well-polished wing tips

And hit the road

Judge, make him stop.

Businessman, oh
Yuppie businessman

Where are your values?

In your Swiss bank account?

Or in the glove compartment

Of your metallic-grey BMW?

Shows what he knows. They
don't come in metallic grey.

Businessman! Where are you?

I want to find you
I want to hunt you down!

Where do I look?

Over here.

Businessman, here you are

Out dealing, out swindling
Out shopping to buy your suit

Your vest, and your blue
Brooks Brothers tie

You talking to me?

[CHUCKLES]
Oh, businessman

I live to destroy you

Judge.
[GROANS]

I wanna come to your house
Breathe fog on your windows

And write "It's me" backwards
So you can read it

Oh, businessman!
How will you sleep at night?

That's healthy.
That's very healthy. Thank you.

Thank you!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]:
There will be

a five-minute intermission
before The Dancing Anarchists.

The Dancing Anarchists?
What is this, my birthday?

I liked him.

Oh, well, at least
he's talking to me.

Now, look, here's a guy
who is moved to verse

by how much he detests
everything that I stand for.

Yet, he and I have
a better rapport than we do.

I'm not pushing,
just asking.

If you want to make a living
taking pictures,

why don't you let me help you
make a living at it?

Michael, please.

Will you forget
that I'm your brother?

Just-- Someone
in a position to help.

I don't want help.
Because it's me?

Because I'm not ready
to commit to photography.

So now you're
going to give up the camera?

Lisa, you can't
give up your art.

Yes, she can,
She wants to be a doctor.

Why do you keep
coming back to that?

Judge, make them stop.
I'm young, I'm embarrassed,

and I can't leave.
They're my ride.

No, sweetie, I don't think
we should stop this show.

Excuse me, are these
the Dancing Anarchists?

Yeah.

Hey, I can give up whatever
I want to give up.

She's queen
of giving up, Joe.

I'm just following my heart,
just like you always say.

Do you detect a pattern?

She's a good photographer.

She's a great photographer.

How would you know,
Michael?

Because you're great
at anything you do.

You were a great
medical student.

And you would've been
a great doctor.

All you had to do was commit.
Why didn't you commit?

Hey, why do you
keep coming back to that?

Because he's right.

Because he knows me.

I wasn't sure
I was gonna make it.

I was safe in school.

I-- I didn't have to compete
with you until I got out.

And when I got out,
you were already a success,

and I still
had to prove myself.

Michael.

What if I'm a lousy doctor?

You won't be.

You will be a wonderful,
caring physician

'cause that's what
you were born to do.

Hey, I know.
I was there at the time.

Michael, if I commit to
being a doctor and I fail...

will you still be proud of me?

Nope.

So you're saying
I'd better be a success?

Yeah.

Can I still call you
if I'm scared?

Please.

You're on.

Hey.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Hey, I'm gonna have
a bigger office than you.

Yeah, but I get to wear
great clothes

and you gotta wear
a white lab coat all day.

MICHAEL & LISA [SARCASTICALLY]:
Ooh.

Enough anarchy.
Dance.

DANCING ANARCHISTS:
Hey, hey, hey.

[???]

[???]
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