01x19 - Nicole's Big Adventure

[bunniefuu]

[???]

Come on, Nick,
it's getting cold.

NICOLE:
I'm coming.

I'm home.

Hey.

Hey, where's my daughter?

Where's my kiss?

Don't you point that thing
at me.

Michael, you're home. Great.
I've got something to show you.

You will never guess
what I've got.

Never in a million years.
Heh.

Hey. It's a pine cone.

You get the feeling
we don't get her out enough?

There's a lot more of these
where I'm going.

Where you're going?
Where's she going?

Tell him.
Uh-oh. I sense conspiracy.

Camping. For a whole week.
Isn't it fantastic?

My whole class is going.

All you have to do
is sign this permission slip,

and I'm the happiest girl
in the world.

"This form releases the school
from any responsibility

"should your child
become incapacitated,

"sustain any serious injury

or incur bodily harm
while under our supervision."

How very calming.

We're sending our daughter
to Camp Friday the th.

I promise to be careful.

That's good enough for me.

Michael, I need
both parents' signatures.

Honey, I don't know
how happy I am about this.

I know you promise
to be careful,

but what kind of promises
do we have from the bears, huh?

Bears?
Michael, the camp site's

an hour and a half
outside the city.

Local bears.

Bears with Yankee caps.

Nicole, you wanna sleep
in the wilderness,

what's wrong with right here?
Hey, look at this.

It's the same camp
we went to in seventh grade.

How much safer can you get
than that?

Oh, great. Camp Anaconda.

Why don't we dip her
in barbecue sauce

and ring
the coyote dinner bell, huh?

You're just upset.
You're still upset

that that dog bit you
at the camp sing-along, right?

Ha, ha.

It wasn't a dog.
It was a wildebeest.

Bloodshot eyes, came down
from the hills to eat me.

It had a collar on
with rhinestones.

Well, they do that.
They try and blend in.

And the collar says,
"My name is Fluffy.

I have all my sh*ts."

It was a vicious dog.

It was a Lhasa Apso.

It was an att*ck Lhasa Apso.

Don't want my daughter sleeping
in the woods. Too dangerous.

Fine. I'll just spend my life
in my room,

sitting by the windows,

my formative years

watching all my friends
have fun without me.

[SIGHS]

You're being overprotective.

She wants to go
on one little trip.

So did Amelia Earhart.

[???]

NICOLE:
Cute, huh?

This is my dad
and this is my dad.

How did I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family,

with one dad
who's down-to-earth

and one dad
with his head in the clouds.

I-I think
we're father of the year.

? You can count on me ?

? No matter
What you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing
By your side ?

? I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

[???]

Are you just visiting the woods
or are you moving in?

Oh, hi, judge.
You think it's too much?

It's too much
for this tiny room.

Let's move this stuff
downstairs.

Where's there's oxygen.

I only brought
what I needed.

See, this bag has stuff
I can wear if it's sunny,

this bag has stuff I can wear
if it rains,

and that bag has stuff
I can wear

if Roger Codderman
ever notices I'm alive.

Honey, you have any room
left in your bag for--?

No.

Okay, okay. Just asking.
You have everything you need?

You got your antiseptic
and your bug spray

and your sunscreen.

Okay.

And last but not least,

your good luck charm
for your trip.

What is it?

I found it at the camp site when
I was there in seventh grade.

You found a real
Indian arrowhead?

Mm-hm.

A real Indian arrowhead
with your picture on the back.

Imagine my surprise.

There's your school bus.

Come on, sweetie.
Let's get this stuff downstairs.

Hey, Nick. Here.

Hey.
Packed you a little snack.

Thanks, Dad.

What did you
put in there?

Yeah. Chinese.
She loves Chinese. Heh.

Well, this is it, huh?

First week away
from you guys.

Have fun, sweetie.

Thanks, judge.

Are they...?

Tearing up? Yeah.
Better make it fast.

[SIGHS]

Bye, Dads.

We're gonna miss you.
A lot.

JOEY:
Yeah.

Hey. Heh.
Mm.

Dads?

Hmm.
The bus is here.

Heh. I gotta go.

You have to stop
hugging me.

Let go.

If you need anything--

I'll call.
If you wanna come home...

Operators are standing by.
I know.

JOEY:
Okay.

Wait, wait.
Hold, right there. Okay.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Heh. Bye.

Whew.

Where you going?
Me?

I'd like very much
to stand by the bus,

wave a hanky
and weep softly. Just...

Michael, she's
an almost-teenage girl.

The last thing she wants
is for her friends

to see her two fathers
waving goodbye to her.

We should give her respect.

We gotta give her space.
We should--

Watch from the fire escape.
It's less obvious.

[???]

How long she been gone?

Five minutes.

We have no lives.

We're pathetic.

It isn't good to miss her
this much, Michael.

I mean, I feel the same way
you do, but she's out there,

having a great time.
We should do the same.

Yeah, you're right.
We're free men.

Let's live it up.
Yeah.

Yeah.
Hey. All right.

What do you wanna do first?

Let's rent bear suits,
drive to the woods

and spy on her.

Hey, we haven't had any
friends over since we got her.

Why don't we do that?

Friends? Wait, wait, wait.
Whose friends?

You know,
I'm just thinking--

And I don't mean
anything by this,

but are your friends anything
at all like, you know, you?

Artistic, creative,
unemployed?

Yeah. Why?

Well, because my friends
are kind of like me and--

I don't mean anything by this,
I'm just thinking.

What happens if my friends
and your friends

kind of, like, you know,
despise each other?

Yeah, I see your point.

Well...

You know what we can do?
We could invite a few women up.

Yeah, the kind of women
your friends like,

then we'd have to break
a ...

Okay. We'll get the kind
that your friends would like.

We'll hose them down,

and we'll have
a wet sensible shoes contest.

Poker game?

Poker game. Yeah.

[???]

Michael, make up your mind. It's
a dollar and a quarter to you.

It's a dollar to me.
You're taking so long,

the pot isn't worth what it was
when we started the hand.

I'm calling interests.

Heh. At percent?
Yes.

I'll give you six cents.

City bank pays
six and a half.

T bills are seven
and an eighth.

Will you guys come on?

Hey, yuppie.
Jeez.

Are you in or are you out?

You know,
I don't like that word. Okay?

I mean, that's-- It's just
a word that some guy made up

for some article
to sell magazines.

You know, we happen to be
regular guys, just like you.

Uh, except for running
the country.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, yuppie,
are you in or out?

I'm out. Excuse me.

I'm out.

Oh.
[SIGHS]

Michael.
What are you doing?

I wanna call her. I just
wanna know if she's okay,

then I'll hang up.

I just need to hear
that soft girl voice say,

"I'm not inside an animal."

What the hell's
going on here?

Hey, judge. How you doing?

Everybody,
this is the judge.

How am I doing?
You're playing poker in here.

Poker's gambling.
Gambling is illegal.

I own the building.

I wanna play.

This is our landlord.

And federal judge,
and she gave us our daughter.

What are we supposed to do,
let her win?

Cut the cards, Bluto.

The name is Truck.

Nobody's named Truck.

You got a real name.
What is it?

Abner.

I own this guy.

Abner Swinburn.

Abner Swinburn?

I have three
of your anthologies.

This--
This guy is a famous poet.

Hey! I don't happen
to like that word. Okay?

Poet?

I happen to be a regular guy
just like you.

Except I can buy and sell
you boys times a day. Tsk.

Don't try and stop me.
[CHUCKLES]

I think you should call
Nicole.

You do?
Yeah. I think you've got

as much right to call
your daughter at camp

as your parents did
to call you.

My parents never
called me at camp.

Oh, really? Now,
why do you think that is, huh?

Because they respected you
as a person?

They cared enough about you
to let you be your own person?

They were watching through
binoculars from a duck blind.

Michael.
Okay, okay, okay.

A fire escape

She turned

I coughed

Nothing

Snow and desperation fell
Between the cushions

Of the universe and sofa

I coughed again

Nothing more

I did a paper on that
in college.

Really? What did you get?
C-plus.

Heh. I got three grand
from the New Yorker.

Let's play cards.

So who's dealing?

Michael, you goosed.

You've been hiding
this major cultural figure.

Do you know that Abner
is a noted poet?

Yeah.
Hey, and Vince over here,

he's got a show running
off-Broadway.

What's the name of that show?
Sideburns for Vladimir.

I play the duke.

I have to apologize.

I mean, here we are
acting we're superior,

when we should be treating
each other as equals. Right?

We'll give it some thought.
Thank you.

Are my friends getting along
with your friends?

I think I'm gonna have
to get new friends.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Yes.

What?

We're on our way.

Who's that?

It's Nicole's camp.

She'd been in an accident.

Will you wait?
Will you wait up?

There it is. There it is,
the camp director's cabin.

Michael, say it.
Just like I remembered.

Say what?
Say "I told you so,"

and get it over with.
You'll feel better.

I don't wanna feel better.

I wanna feel exactly as lousy
as I feel right now.

Hey. This just
isn't my fault. Okay?

Not just my fault.
You signed the paper too.

You wanna call me names.
Come on, call me names.

Get it off your chest.
No.

I don't wanna call you names.
That's stooping to your level.

I don't wanna do that.
I just wanna pick up my daughter

and go home to the Village.

Where you
are the village idiot.

I mean, the results are in

and you b*at out million
village idiot applicants.

And I mean pros. Pros.

Idiots with experience,
born idiots,

primo droolers.

Guys with lettuce leaf hats
and wooden shirts.

All of them. You, you, you,
you b*at them all.

You are a raw,
rookie idiot.

Yet you had an idea.

One idea, so gargantuan
in its idiot scope.

What was that idea?

Let's take our daughter
and send her off a cliff. Hey.

And you listened.

Freeze!
And get out of my azaleas.

It couldn't be.

Twenty years later,
she still runs the woods.

BOTH: Mrs. Baumgartener?
That's right.

Who in the hell are you?

Uh...
Don't say our real names.

I'm Ranger Bob

and this is my faithful
idiot companion.

Michael Taylor?
He made me do it.

Get up on this porch
this instant.

Okay.
Don't do it.

You too, Mr. Harris.

Oh, man.
Move it.

Move it, move it, move it.

Move it, move it, move it,
move it, move it.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Taylor
and Mr. Harris.

It's just
as I suspected.

Your parents never did
pick you up.

No, ma'am. We're parents now.
We're here to pick up

our daughter,
Nicole Bradford.

Nicole is just peachy.

Except for
her broken foot.

A broken foot? I was told on the
phone it was a minor accident.

A minor accident?

What'd you get me
all worked up about, huh?

Why did you get me
all crazy?

It gave me joy.

I'll go wake her up.

I'm sure she'll be happy
to see you.

Oh, man.
The poor thing.

She's a little loopy
from the painkillers.

But it's okay.

Kids break, they heal,
they come back next year.

I love them.

Oh, Michael.

Hey. You okay, sweetheart?

Does it hurt?
I'll just hug your head.

What are
you doing here?

We came to take care of you.
Yeah.

Everything's gonna be okay.
We're here.

All right.
You just relax.

Okay. Mm.

Nice surprise.

Oh, sleep good,
sweet angel.

By the time you wake up,

you're gonna be safe
in your own bed.

Okay.

I got her.

Boys.

What do you say?

Well?

BOTH:
Good night, Mrs. Baumgartener.

[???]

She's gonna be fine, boys.

Just drink some tea
and relax.

I don't wanna relax.

I did this.

I don't deserve to relax.

You've been sitting there,

watching her
for the past five hours.

Well, we wanna be
the first thing she sees

when she wakes up.

Hi, judge.

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, Dads.
Hey.

Did you all come up
to see me?

Why does my cabin
look like the loft?

[CHUCKLES]

Because you're home, honey.
We brought you home.

Why?

You broke your foot.
Don't you remember?

That, I remember.

That really hurt.

You poor baby.

They probably
made you ride

one of those big horses
named Thunder, right?

No. Not exactly.

Nicole, what did happen?

I was showing off
for Roger Codderman.

What?

Well, we were on the bus,

and we had just arrived
at the camp,

and he was looking at me.

So I tried to be real casual
and fell out the emergency door.

Oh. Heh.

At least you're home now.
You're safe and sound.

But I don't wanna be home.

I wanna be at camp.
I was having fun.

Fun. You broke your foot.

I know. Falling off the bus
was kind of stupid.

But asking Roger Codderman
to carry me

to the first-aid station
wasn't. Heh.

He even talked to me.
He said:

"Bummer about your foot,
Nicole."

Yeah, but you don't wanna
go back there, do you?

More than anything.

I mean, if we leave now,

we could probably make it
to the campfire.

Everyone would sign my cast.

And if I look
pathetic enough,

Roger might even sit
next to me. Heh.

We have to go back.

Or else what good
was breaking my foot?

You need rest and sleep.
Okay?

The best thing you can do
for yourself, sweetie,

try and relax.

I will, judge.

She's not going back.
She's not leaving this loft.

I mean, I don't see
why she can't live

a perfectly productive life
right there on that bed.

Whether she goes back or not
isn't important.

Only one thing that's important.
I'm gonna tell you what it is.

That broken foot
is not your fault.

Life broke it,
life will fix it,

and then life will break
something else.

Yeah, but it is our job
to protect her.

She should stay here.

Hey, she could've
fallen off a bus here

just as easy as back there,
Michael.

What do you think, judge?
What should we do?

Head, she goes back,
tail, she stays.

That's just
what I would've done.

Judge,
could we possibly see that?

Sure. Here.

Oh. By the way, I'll need
that quarter in the morning.

I got a m*rder trial.

She's right, you know?

What right?
She didn't say anything.

She said we should take her
back to the camp.

She said we should stop
being overprotective parents

and treating her
like a baby.

You heard that?

You've got
very sensitive ears.

Your ears
are gonna love this.

She's my baby!
She's not going anywhere!

Michael.

Great. Now you woke her up.

Michael, I'm in a cast.
I can't do anything.

I can't swim, I can't hike,
I can't get into any trouble.

You have nothing
to worry about.

I have to see these people
every day at school.

I don't need them
thinking I'm a wimp.

See? She wants to go back
to the camp.

She wants to go back.
She got friends there,

a whole life going.

She's got a whole life
going here too.

No, not this weekend.

This week, she should be
sitting around a campfire,

singing
"Michael, Row Your Boat",

giggling at Roger Codderman,

who is dog meat
if I get a hold of him.

Please, may I go back?

"Please, may I go back?"

Okay, you win.

We'll all go back.

All right, all right, all right.
Everybody but us.

[???]

So?

So then we had
the farewell campfire

and everybody signed
my cast.

There's even a message for
you guys from Mrs. Baumgartener.

"She's a good kid, boys,
Don't screw up."

[CHUCKLES]

So were you two good
while I was gone?

Yeah. We cleaned up our messes,
we shared all the toys.

Hey, let's help you unpack.

Go upstairs.

What do you think?

This is my room?

Heh. It's the most
beautiful room

I've ever seen.

Who are these people?

Honey,
these are our friends.

This is Truck and Brian.

You know the judge.

This is Stuart and Vince.
Yeah.

They all helped us
redo the room.

Truck handled the substantial
part of the demolition.

Oh, yeah. Punched out
the wall. Heh.

[CHUCKLES]
I don't believe this.

We figured we either
spend our time missing you

or making you something.
But mostly we did it

because we couldn't agree
on anything else to do.

Okay, guys.

Seven card,
diamonds in the hole are wild.

Are you guys playing cards?
Honey, it's poker.

A game with chips and money.
You wouldn't know about it.

Fifty cent ante, dollar bumps,
jacks or better to open.

Whoo! Yes! Ha, ha!
I love it.

Nice camp
you sent her to.

[???]