01x20 - My Fair Joey

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Dad,
look what the Judge lent me.

It's a miniature
cassette tape recorder.

What are you doing with that?
I'm gonna send a cassette letter

to my friend Molly.
Yeah?

Wanna say hello?
To Molly? What--? No--

Say something.
I have nothing to say--

What am I gonna--?

? Sugar pie, honeybunch, unh
You know that I love you ?

Thank you.
Okay.

Guess what?

Guess who met somebody?

Guess who met somebody

and is falling head over heels,
nuts in love!

Oh!
MICHAEL: Um...

Ed Begley Jr.?

Me. Me.

So I'm wrong.

Dad, you met somebody?

Hey, Nick,
love at first sight.

This is the first time
this has ever happened to me.

Except for when I first met you.
Hmm.

Hey, Molly, one of my fathers
just fell in love,

and you heard it here first.
Stay tuned.

She's gonna be over here
any second for dinner.

Oh, you are gonna love her,
Michael. Oh, she is fantastic.

Yeah.

I assume, uh,
that fantastic means what?

She made parole
on her first try?

Hey, I meet her,
we start talking, right?

We go for a walk in the park
for hours and hours,

but it just seems
like minutes.

Then all of a sudden, we look
at each other and we realize,

without saying any words,
we realize that this is it.

This is it.
We're meant for each other.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[DOORBELL RINGS]

There she is.

There she is. Ooh.

Oh, man, I never felt like this.
I am so excited.

Michael. Have you ever seen him
like this before?

Uh, only when
the roller derby's in town.

[CHUCKLES]

Ashley.
Joey.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Mm. I can't stand
being away from you.

How long has it been?
An eternity.

Oh, is that all?
Seems like forever.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey, I want you to meet
my daughter.

This is Nicole.
Nicole, this is Ashley Bukowski.

You have a wonderful father.

Two. Heh.

Oh, and this is my roommate
and co-partner in the--

The co-father thing
I was telling you about.

This is Michael Taylor.
Hi.

You're the financial
adviser.

Well, what that means--
The delineation between yourself

and the average
stockbroker is?

Greater diversification
in terms of trust planning,

more personalized
money management?

Is that it, roughly?

You probably don't roller skate
at all, do you?

Let me show you
around my castle. Heh.

So, what do you think?

I think she's beautiful.

I think she's well-dressed.
I think she's highly-educated.

She'd be perfect if it weren't
for her one glaring flaw.

NICOLE:
What?

She's with him.

[???]

NICOLE:
Cute, huh?

This is my dad,
and this is my dad.

How did I get two dads?
They inherited me.

Congratulations.
It's a girl.

Here's the judge
who brought us together.

She lives in our building.
My building. I own it.

NICOLE:
we're one big happy family,

with one dad
who's down-to-earth

and one dad
with his head in the clouds.

I-I think
we're father of the year.

? You can count on me ?

? No matter
What you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? I'm standing
By your side ?

? I'll be right behind ?

? No one loves you
More than I do ?

? Put your hand in mine ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter what you do ?

? You can count on me ?

? No matter where you go ?

? You can count on me ?

So, Molly,
Joey met this lady

who's everything Michael
ever dreamed of.

It's like some computer
dating service mixed up my dads.

After I finished
my undergraduate studies

at Wellesley,
I got my MBA from Wharton.

[SQUEAKS]

[JOEY CHUCKLES]

Hey, isn't she great,
Michael, huh?

I mean, she's got taste,
she's got style. Heh.

[CHUCKLES]
Cheese ball?

Mm.
I also spent two years

studying art
at the Sorbonne.

Which is why I am so taken
with Joey's talent.

The Sorbonne.
So you must speak French?

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Which means--
I speak the language of love.

I speak French too.

Really?

Oh, doesn't just hearing
someone speak French

put you
into a romantic mood?

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Mm.

[BOTH MOANING]

Well, I'm, uh, glad
I could be of some help.

You know, coincidentally,
I've got an MBA myself.

Really? Well, then we have a few
things in common then, don't we?

By the way,
those silences you hear

are long, passionate kisses.

Next time
I'll send you a video letter.

In the meantime,
let's listen.

So, Ashley, how did you come
to have an interest in business?

Well, actually,
it was a tough decision.

My first love was opera.

You love opera?
I love opera.

Woof.

Bunch of fatties
singing in the stratosphere.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Joey, you are so outrageous.
Isn't he outrageous?

He kills me.

Ah. Anyway, I guess
I gravitated toward business

because I love
manipulating money.

And I love playing
the stock market,

and I love any vulgar
display of wealth. Heh.

[WHIMPERS]

Molly, news bulletin.

I think Michael likes
Joey's girlfriend.

I can tell
by the way he's squeaking.

I don't care anything
about that money stuff.

Only thing
that matters to me

is the people
that are in my life and my art.

Which is what I love
about you.

Well, that'll do it for me.

I'm gonna just, uh...

I'll just go step outside
and jump in front of a bus.

Oh, I can just make one.

[???]

Hey, Klawicki, I want you
to make me dinner, okay?

And whatever you wanna make,
I'm gonna eat it.

Really, Michael?
Yep.

Jeez, I'm flattered.

You don't usually eat here.

To what do I owe
this pleasure?

It's a su1c1de attempt.

Problem, Mike?

Nope. No problem.

I just met
the woman of my dreams.

The most perfect woman for me.
She understands my work.

She shares all my interests,
my hopes, my fears,

my prayers, my joys.
And?

She loves Joey.

He'll have the meatloaf.

[SIGHS]

Judge, I've come to depend
on you for good advice.

You got any?

Sure.

Mike...

it's a dog-eat-dog world.

Are you gonna let the fact
that Joey's your lifelong pal

stand in the way
of a long-sh*t chance

at an uncertain
relationship

with a woman you've known
for less than a day?

Yeah, go for the girl.

The hell with your pal.

How many friends you got,
judge?

None.
I can't understand it.

Well, thanks.

Hey, hey, hey.
What about my meatloaf?

I want to live!

[???]

I just want you to know
that I'm-- Hello?

I just want you to know
I'm genuinely happy

the two of you
found each other like this.

Ashley, just one question.
Do you have a sister for me?

I'm afraid not.
No brothers, no sisters.

I'm the last of the Van Durens.
Van Durens?

I thought your last name
was Bukowski?

Oh, that's my married name.
Heh.

You're married?
Would you go to bed, please?

You're married?

I was. I'm divorced.
My maiden name is Van Duren.

Oh. So you know,
the company I work for,

we represent
a Charles Van Duren,

who's like one of the
wealthiest men in the world.

Too bad he's not a relative.
You'd be sitting pretty.

Heh. Yeah. Well, actually,
he's my daddy. Heh.

Really?

Gee, life just tickles me.

Well, you must know this,
but you're rich.

Yeah, I still love you, anyway.
Oh. Heh.

Mm.
You are so sweet. Heh.

He's my friend.
He's my friend...

Actually,
I'm not that rich at all.

My father
is a self-made man.

He believes I should make
my own way in the world

without any benefit
of his help.

And you share his philosophy?
What are you, nuts?

Hope you don't mind me
asking,

whatever happened
to the Bukowski guy?

Oh, my father never
really approved of him.

And finally he convinced me
he was right. Heh.

Hey, I have an idea.
The three of you come up

to our estate in Connecticut
tomorrow night for dinner.

Joey, it would be
the perfect chance

for you to meet my father.
[CHUCKLES]

I suppose
that would be great, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

Do you hear that?
We're going to Connecticut.

What should I wear?
Show me what you got, I'll help

pick something out.
Follow me.

Hey, huh? Heh.
What do you think?

Oh, her?
She's, uh-- She's okay.

She's not my type.

I'll trade you
my stereo for her.

Hey, this'll be great.
We'll go up to Connecticut.

Have a lot of fun.
I'm gonna do you a big favor.

I'm not going to Connecticut
with you.

I want you to go with me.

You're gonna have to convince
her old man

that you're a normal
single father, you know?

Who can use the right fork
and wear the right clothes,

say the right thing and fit
right into his right-wing world.

But I'm not. You are.

Hey, come on,
you gotta help me here.

You gotta teach me how to dress,
you gotta teach me how to act.

Okay? How to eat.

I don't wanna blow this.

Ahem. Excuse me.

You want me to teach you
to be like me?

Yeah.

Shut up.

You know, Molly,
I saw this old movie on TV once,

called My Fair Lady,

This guy gives
this flower girl a makeover.

Well, let me tell you,
he had it easy.

Hey, Joe,
are you coming out or what?

JOEY:
Nah. I look stupid.

Will you--? Come on.

This is uncomfortable.
Hey, this is not me.

We're heading
in the right direction.

Now, come on, let me see.

[NICOLE GASPS]

I feel like
a coffee achiever.

No, no, you gotta work
your way up to coffee achiever.

Right now you're just
a decaffeinated lunatic

in a suit.
[NICOLE GASPS]

Ooh, Molly,

Michael just got Joey
to put on a suit.

And let me tell you,
he looks fabulous.

I mean, he ought to wear a suit
every day.

I'll erase it.

Hey, something's wrong
with this. It don't feel right.

It's your first suit.
Your body's rejecting it.

Why do I gotta spend all that
money for a suit for one night?

Joe, if the evening
is a success,

marry the girl,
wear the suit at the wedding.

And if you meet the father
and he drops dead,

you wear the suit
at the funeral. So either way,

you're wearing the hell
out of this suit.

It's called amortization.
That's lesson one.

Uh, do I get a new dress?

What? For one night?
For one night?

All right, now we got you
looking respectable.

See, but I still gotta figure at
some point you're gonna speak.

Which brings us
to lesson number two?

Right. The greeting.

Okay. You're in your suit,
you're in Connecticut.

A very wealthy man
walks up to you, and you say...

[IN UNISON]
Hey, how you doing?

No. No, this is not your friend
Benny the Fence, okay?

This is Charles Van Duren III,
at least.

Okay. So, what do I say?

You say, "Very pleased
to meet you, sir."

Very pleased to meet you,
sir.

Right.
And then you shake his hand.

No! What is this?

What--? This does not say,
"Very pleased to meet you, sir".

This says "Hey, how much
you want for the Rolex?"

To which he says, "Get out
of my house in Connecticut,

and go shake thumbs
with some other slob in SoHo

who, by the way, will also
never date my daughter".

I walk up to the guy...
Walk up.

I say, "Very pleased
to meet you, sir.

I'm Joey Harris".
No.

What?

Not Joey.
You don't say Joey.

Introduce yourself
as Joseph Harris.

Hey, my name is not Joseph,
okay? It's Joe.

Joe Harris?
That's even worse.

Now you sound
like a baseball player

for, like, the
Albuquerque Mudhens in the 's.

Joe "Crazylegs" Harris.

You batted
your first year

and then they traded you
to Oslo.

Okay, okay,
I'm wearing the wrong clothes,

and I'm using a phony name.
What's next?

All right.
You're at the dinner table.

You're at the dinner table.

What is the first thing
you do?

It isn't eat, is it?

Sit down.

Never, never eat dinner
in Connecticut.

You weren't invited to dinner
to eat.

You were invited
to be examined.

You were invited
to be put under a microscope.

You are a germ.

You are SoHococcus.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Okay. This is your first test.
Come here.

Just come here.
Walk right-- Okay.

Now, just remember
everything I told you.

Remember, don't be yourself.

All right? Okay.

Very glad
you could make it.

I'd like you to meet
a very good friend.

Good afternoon.

Very pleased to meet you.
I'm Joseph Harris.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Zip up your fly.

[???]

NICOLE:
we made it to Connecticut.

All the way from New York,
Michael has been making

last-minute Joey adjustments
which Joey is taking very well.

Um...
What?

The earring.

I'm not taking
the earring out.

It's my good luck earring,
okay?

I got good luck
when I wear it.

See?

Hello. I'm Ashley's father,
Charles Van Duren.

I believe you've met
my vase.

Hello, I'm Michael Taylor.

Ah.

Oh, no,
I'm not your daughter's date.

Not that I wouldn't be
very flattered.

Tonight, it is my friend

and not I
that am your daughter dater.

Very pleased to meet you,
sir.

Joseph Harris.

Might I apologize
for my friend here

who is obviously
a dribbling idiot.

Oh, um, then you would be
Ashley's young man?

And this is my daughter, Nicole.
Hello, Nicole.

You have a beautiful house,
Mr. Van Duren.

Why, thank you.
My family built this house

about years ago.

Your family's been living here
that long?

No, dear.
No, they built the house.

My family were bricklayers.

Generations
of bricklayers,

laying brick on top of brick
for almost decades.

Until I said, "Hey,
how about aluminum siding?"

And here I am.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Well, then enough small talk.
Let's get to the point.

A man in my position
is forced to be very protective

of his one and only child.

Well, Mr. Van Duren,
I'm an up-and-coming artist

with a solid reputation, heh,
if not a solid bank account.

[LAUGHS]

And-- And you're from
a family of bricklayers.

I'm from a family
of plumbers,

and I'm just trying
something new just like you did.

I hope you can respect me
for that, sir.

Nice earring.

I must apologize for Ashley's
being late for dinner,

but if she weren't late,
she wouldn't be Ashley.

Come this way.

Daddy?

Oh, Ashley, good,
here you are.

So sorry I was late.

I was out
looking at new Ferraris,

and I completely lost track
of the time.

So tell me,
what do you think of Joey, hmm?

I think he's blunt,
I think he's raw.

In fact he reminds me of me
at his age.

Ashley, I think
you've finally picked a winner.

What?

I mean, I was sure you'd think
he was like my ex-husband.

Bukowski?

Hardly.

This boy has a future.

Come,
let's join our guests.

[???]

Harrison,
more wine for our guests.

Except for Nicole
who is a young person.

I like to keep up
with young people

and what they think.

What do you and your friends
think of aluminum?

Uh...

We like it.

Would you go so far
as to call it bitchen?

What's the matter,
sweetheart? Ahem.

Why did you wear
that stupid suit to dinner?

I'm just trying to make
a good impression.

I wanted you
to be yourself.

Yeah, but--
We'll talk about it later.

The game is about
to begin.

I'm sorry?

Daddy, did I tell you

that Joey might very well be
Nicole's father?

Of course, Michael
might be her father also.

No one really knows.

Direct hit.

Dive! Dive! Dive!

I don't understand.

I thought Michael
was simply a friend of yours?

Well, Michael and I were both
very close to Nicole's mother,

who passed away.

Rather than see her go
to an orphanage,

we decided
to share the guardianship.

Oh, I see.

Well...

Well, that's very commendable.

A sense
of parental responsibility

in a young man is very rare.

Well done, gentlemen.

Daddy. Joey's a Democrat.

Oh. Will she
stop at nothing?

He'll outgrow it.

[SIGHS]

Joey, may I speak to you alone
for a moment?

Sure, honey.
Uh, if you'll excuse me.

Oh, certainly. Well, that gives
me a chance to escort Nicole

to her choice of ice cream.

Come with me, dear.

You'll love the kitchen.
It's aluminum.

Harrison?

What the hell
are you mumbling?

She does not love
your friend.

She loves only
her father's money.

What are you talking about?

Your friend is simply
the latest off-b*at character

that Ashley brings
into the house

in order
to enrage her father.

Why?

Extortion, sir. Extortion.

Cash, gifts,

in exchange for dumping
the unfortunate of the month.

Are you saying
she's done this before?

She even went so far once
as to marry one of the wretches,

just to raise the stakes.

This is the most bizarre story
I've ever heard.

Where do you get this?

Allow me, sir,
to introduce myself.

Harrison Bukowski.

[???]

Hey, that Michael did
a heck of a job on me, huh?

I want you to stop listening
to Michael.

He's just jealous
of you and me.

What are you talking about?
I'm making a great impression.

I think he likes me.
Michael is jealous.

Don't you see?
He's trying to break us up

by turning you into someone
that I don't love.

So why don't you just take off
this stupid jacket

and come back
when you're you.

Hey, Joe,
I gotta talk to you.

Yes?
Listen, this is about Ashley.

And it's not easy for me
to say this to you.

I'll bet.

Look, I just had a little talk
with the butler.

It seems
Ashley may not like you

for the reasons you think
she likes you.

Let me tell you something,
okay?

Ashley likes me
for all the right reasons.

She likes me cause I'm me,

and you can't stand that,
can you?

All right.

Look. Ashley and her father,

they have this lovely
little understanding.

She said
her father's a self-made man,

he thinks she should make
her own way in the world.

Okay, how she makes her own way
is she brings home

some off-the-wall guy,
makes Daddy nuts

until he has to hand her a check
to dump him.

Oh. And this time
that's me, huh?

Lifestyles of the rich
and deranged.

So she's gonna drop me, huh?

Hey. Maybe I should
drop her first?

I'm just telling you
what I heard.

That would work out great
for you.

Then the girl of your dreams
would be available.

You could step right in there.
Hey, you know--

It's true. You just can't stand
I met the girl of your dreams,

and she's in love with me.
Joe, let's--

All right, look, I will admit.
I was jealous.

But come on,
you know me your whole life.

We would never get into a fight
over a woman,

except for one time with Marcy.
We didn't speak for years.

Just shut me up anytime
here.

Dad--
Michael and I are gonna yell.

Could you please wait outside?
Dad, you gotta hear this.

MICHAEL:
You know that I love you ?

Sweetheart, could this wait?

No, that wasn't it.

I accidentally left
the tape recorder on

when Mr. Van Duren
and the butler were talking

in the dining room.

VAN DUREN:
Harrison.

It looks like Ashley's
latest boyfriend

isn't going to cost me
a cent.

What does it mean?

[???]

So Michael and Joey
apologized to each other

all the way home.

They said jealousy
should never get in the way

of a lifelong friendship.

I'm sorry
I called you jealous.

I should've known
a good friend like you

was gonna be looking out
for my best interests.

Listen, I'm sorry
things didn't work out.

And I'm sorry
I thought Ashley was so classy.

Let me tell you.
There's nobody as classy as you.

[PHONE RINGING]
I'm sorry

I didn't listen to you when
you tried to set me straight.

Well, I'm sorry I had to.

I'm sorry,
this is making me sick.

Yeah, he's here. Hold on.

Hey, Joe.
it's a Chuck Van Duren.

Wants to talk to you,
and he's whining bad.

Tell him
I'm not interested.

Good for you.

Very good for you.
I'm proud of you.

Hey.
I'm very proud of you.

Excuse me one second.

I'll take it.
Get out of here.

[???]

[???]