03x07 - Another Sharkley Adventure

[bunniefuu]

[Tawny] Today on Tawny.

Ratcatcher has spent most of his
life in the sewers catching rats.

But the last thing he expected
to catch there was feelings.

Our exclusive interview with Gotham's

controversial couple
right after this break.

Wait, is he screwin' a rat?

Sick!

[Frank] No!

Let me out!

[screams] Ah! Frank!

Are you okay? Maybe you should chill

on going that deep into the Green.

You know, Swamp Thing did
say it's gonna take some time

for your body to get used to it.

I gotta assume, at some point,
your boobs will stop sweatin'.

I don't care how sick I get.

I have to find out where Frank is.

Bruce Wayne's got him.

He... It's just too
dark to see where he is.

I mean, it's like all that money

and he can't buy a light
bulb, for Christ's sake.

If only we knew someone who
could help us draw him out.

Don't look at me.

We broke up.

Bruce is so clingy.

Even for an eccentric
billionaire, he's got baggage.

Workaholic, obsessed with clean eating,

and, you know, those
major abandonment issues

from seeing his parents
m*rder*d as a child.

Well, congrats on freeing yourself

from the chains of hetero hell.

But can't you just pretend
you want to see him?

You know, maybe lure him over
here and we'll handle the rest?

No. When I break up with someone,
I cut them off completely.

[sighs] He's determined to get me back.

Won't stop sending me gifts, flowers,

this canary diamond encrusted tiara.

That is one sparkly meatball.

Oh, that looks incredible on you.

It's all right.

Mm. He wants me to wear it to
a gala he's hosting tonight.

[Harley] It's a clunky name.

Did your RSVP?

I'm not going anywhere near that mess.

Didn't you hear my whole
no-communication thing?

- Yeah, Harls, pay attention.
- Okay.

My point is, if Bruce thinks
there's a chance you might come,

he will definitely be there.

True, he is desperate to see me.

[doorbell rings]

Ugh. That better not be more flowers.

Okay. We're gonna go to that gala,

grab Bruce, and we're
going to t*rture him

until he tells us where Frank is.

[groaning]

No... Yeah, it's happening.

- [vomits]
- Or, I have an idea.

You'll stay here, rest, read some mags,

hydrate, get your strength
back up to t*rture levels.

And I will go kidnap
Bruce Wayne. [giggles]

[theme music playing]

[Bruce grumbles]

- So, I know it's been a tough week.
- Mm.

Respectfully, Selina's being a total B.

Appreciate the solidarity, but
don't talk about her like that.

You know what always
makes me feel better?

A hug.

But that's not really our thing,

so, how about focusing on work?

Are you looking at Selina's
Waynestagram stories?

She can tell If you are.

She can? I mean, I'm not.

Obviously.

If no one else has any new leads,

I'd like to discuss
the CowNews BoyBoy Hat.

By now, I'm sure you've seen the ads.

According to my source at the docks,

there's a shipment coming in tonight.

I'm thinking we intercept it

and see what's really
going on with these hats.

A new hat fad doesn't
equal criminal activity.

Lots of people wear hats.

Am I a criminal?

No, but you look like you're
ready to steal some kisses.

- No? All right.
- They're not just hats.

They've got a smart device
that can read your mind

and become your own personal assistant.

- Cool.
- That doesn't sound fishy to you?

Hats and neurotech?

That can only be the work of one man.

- Mad Hatter.
- Mad Hatter.

Impossible. I ran Mad
Hatter out of town years ago.

You're making connections
that just aren't there.

Now, if that's all, I
have a gala to get to.

Selina, it's Bruce.

Uh, Bruce Wayne, your boyfriend.

Ex-boyfriend, lover.

Hey, is this a two rolls
of duct tape kidnapping?

Harley, honey, I don't
want you to go alone, okay?

I'll be fine. Yes, each
time I go into the Green,

it feels like every one of my
cells is being ripped apart,

but maybe this tea will help.

It's lemon ginger.

Oh, King Shark will come with me.

What do you say, buddy?

You up for a classic
Shark-Ley adventure?

Kidnap a sad billionaire? Huh? Huh?

Rain check.

I have to return home due
to the death of my father.

- Sorry, dude.
- f*cking f*ck.

Thank you. This is actually a relief.

He was a terrible shark
and an even worse man.

Oh, so... Congrats?

Not quite there yet.

The good news is I get to see
my little brother, Prince Shark.

I mean, we're pretty tight.

He's the brother I didn't eat.

So, does this mean you're
like an actual king now?

No, Prince will be King

once I officially pass on
the position at the funeral.

We have confusing
traditions under the sea.

No worries, I'll just go with...

[gasps] Clayface!

Oh, ho, ho!

Clayface would love to, but...

[singsong] Billy Bob Thornton

is manning the dunk t*nk

at the glorious St. Louis Professional
Baseballer's Charity Circus.

Go, team! I'll look up
the name on the way...

Well, I should get going, too.

Have fun storming the castle, Harley!

[sighs] Okay, screw
it, I'm going with you.

I'm gonna... Oh, wow. [sighs wearily]

Okay, no more going
into the Green for now.

You've gotta rest. I got this, NBD.

Okay, Bruce Wayne is
just some dude, okay?

It's not like he's
Superman or something.

I know, it's just... It's been a while

since you've done a job alone.

She's trying to say that
you're extremely codependent.

- [cell phone dinging]
- For the love of nuts,

- who is texting you?
- Ugh.

It's that nerd, Batgirl.

Since the escape room, I've
thrown her a couple LOLs

but she just keeps texting.

Babe, you don't have to be defensive.

It's sweet, you like to take in strays.

Listen, I'm locked and loaded, baby.

I got rope, double duct tape,
binoculars, glass cutter,

person cutter and a granola
bar in case I get peckish.

Now, call me if there are
any problems. Swearsies?

When has anything I've
attempted to do gone wrong?

But... You're sick,
you save your energy.

Listen, while I'm gone,
you take care of Ivy.

That means you sit with her,
you stream that lubed-up dildo

disguised as a TV show, Bridgerton,

or whatever people are
horny for these days,

and make sure she wants for nothing.

And why would I do that?

Because if you don't, when I
kidnap Bruce, I'm gonna tell him

you've been saying
his name in your sleep.

[sighs] Be quick, will you?

And try not to make a spectacle.

I don't need the hotel
tightening up security.

It's one of my favorite
places to steal from.

It's where I got my Picasso.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [man] Hey, Bruce! Bruce!

Hey. Where's Selina tonight, huh?

Has she arrived yet?

[Harley] Hi-yah! Come
here, you little old...

- [crashing]
- [screaming]

[breathing heavily]

Still takes her vitamins.

[exhales]

[organ music playing]

[low chatter, sobbing]

[door opens]

[bawling]

Where are all the octopuses
and finned aquatic dignitaries?

Shark ceremony only.

It was in Dad's will.

You know how he was.

A snob to the bitter end.

Your father was a great shark.

- So kind of you to say.
- Wasn't he?

Hey. That "great shark"
had relations with his wife.

And his sister.

[giggles]

Dad looks good on you, by the way.

Thanks, man. That means a lot.

We're gathered here today

to coronate your new king

and celebrate the legacy of King Daddy,

who most famously saved
us from our arch enemies,

the sinful Atlanteans.

If they only knew, during that battle,

Dad was turnt up on bunk abalone venom.

I'm glad you're here.

Me too.

Now, King Daddy's firstborn son, Nanaue,

and his brother Kamea

will join me at the altar for
the official passing of duty.

Your father's royal scepter

is only to be touched by kings.

Whoo! Powerful.

I kinda like it.

Oh, I'm just kidding.

Ah, the Prince is become King.

[cheers and applause]

Are you sure you don't want to be king?

You are the oldest. It's your right.

No, you deserve this.

You stayed here and took care
of the kingdom and the family.

Even for Dad's diaper stuff.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, man. Soon enough,
the kingdom will be no more

and I'll be free of all this bullshit.

I am psyched.

Totally. Yeah.

I mean, wait. What?

[upbeat music playing]

[grunts]

- [crashes]
- [harp glissandos]

Oh, damn. That was actually beautiful.

[beeps]

[Batgirl] Freeze, scumbag!

Oh. Hey, girl. 'Sup?

Harley? What the hell?

I thought you were
just staying in tonight.

Eh. Changed my mind.

Are you stalking me?

Ugh, as if.

I'm working gala security.

Cool story. Outta my way.

Not unless you have an invite.

Ugh.

Ow.

God, you are so clingy.

I don't want to fight you.

- Oh, you don't?
- Of course not.

- We're friends.
- Ow.

[cell phone vibrating]

Hey, how's my prickly
little pear feeling?

Do you miss me?

Did you take my tiara?

Screw your tiara. How's Ivy?

She's fine.

[meowing]

Ugh. Gotta go.

[shrieking]

So you do answer your phone.

Ow! sh*t, that hurts.

Did I do something wrong?

I thought we were becoming friends.

- [Batgirl groans]
- I have enough friends!

Oh, really? Let's see,
there's Ivy... end of list!

Oh! So the kitty does have claws.

I knew you weren't as "I'm so innocent,

I follow the rules. I'm
Gotham's hall monitor"

as you pretend to be.

[groans]

I don't sound like that,
you stupid... clown!

- Oh! Good one.
- [Batgirl grunts]

You know what? Maybe I
do want people to like me,

but at least I'm honest about who I am.

You want a merit badge for
admittin' you're a f*ckin' dork?

- [elevator dings]
- [breathing heavily]

Maybe take the next one.

[both grunting]

- [elevator dings]
- [grunts]

Can you please get
the next... What the...

[Harley and Batgirl groan] Ugh!

[peaceful music playing]

I miss these heart-to-hearts.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, while we're
chatting, sipping 'gria,

can we circle back
to that thing you said

about "the kingdom will be no more?"

Oh, yeah, that. I mean, I'm selling it.

An offer came in. The numbers are right.

Gonna cash out.

Focus on me for a change.

Ah, maybe do some print modeling work.

Well, who's the buyer?

Would you believe it's Ocean Master?

[chuckling] Isn't that a trip?

Look, I know I'm coming to this late,

so no disrespect, but Ocean Master is,

like, a longstanding enemy

who famously hates the shark kingdom.

Well, his money spends as good

as the next guy-slash-fish-
slash-bivalve. [chuckles]

Did you run this by anyone?

Nope. That's the great
thing about being a king,

I don't have to answer to no one.

He's going to develop an outlet mall

and a multiplex theater, food court.

Hey, what's "fast casual?"

'Cause he said that a lot.

Have you considered

maybe not selling our
ancestral homeland?

"Our"? Oh, oh, that's rich.

Now Dad's dead,

you show up swinging
your double d*ck around

like you have a say.

You chose to go live on land

and I was stuck here to deal with Dad.

I had to be the good son, the
one who followed the rules,

the one dealing with those diapers, ugh!

[choking up] And you know we
all just sh*t in the water.

So if you got to wear
a diaper down here,

you know things are messed up.

You're right. I should
have been here to help more.

Yeah, well, you weren't.

But now it's my time to be selfish.

And if you have a problem,

why don't you do what
you're good at and leave?

[Harley] Where are we?

Oh, God! Is this immersive theater? Ugh!

We demand to know who
you're working for!

The name's Tetch. Jervis Tetch.

More lamely known as the Mad Hatter.

Well, I didn't take
you for a "mad hater,"

considering how much you've been
snooping around my shipments.

You won't get away with this.

It's only a matter of time until
people know the truth about your hats.

Wait, so you're the guy
behind those weird hats?

They aren't "weird hats"!

You see, there's a reason
for the unconventional design.

The newsboy brim

focuses the mind control
of the frontal lobe,

while the cowboy crown
provides ample room

for the processor and transmitter.

And soon, I will have
an army of puppets!

- [laughs maniacally]
- [Batgirl groans]

You fooled around with my plans,

and now I'm going to fool
around with you! [chuckles]

Ugh! Great! Like we need another
run-of-the-mill perv in Gotham.

I'm not a perv.

I... I t*rture and m*rder.

Nothing gross. Is it the hat?

It's the hat, isn't it?

Ew!

Oh, okay, so now you have a problem

with my incredibly long pinky nail.

Look, I don't have time to list
all the reasons why you're pervy.

So I'll leave ya to your business

and just be on my merry way.

What you two aren't together?

Us? She wishes. She
screwed up my plans too.

Oh, well, now, you seemed like friends.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

I am not like her!

I am like you. In the...
In the broadest of senses.

I am Harley Quinn.

The Harley Quinn?

Get the heck out of here!

I should have recognized
that beautiful hair.

[inhales deeply]

Okay, it wasn't pervy,

but I could see how it would seem pervy.

Rabbits, rabbits, untie this one.

'Kay. Cool. Great.

Harley!

You're just gonna, like, mind
control her for a bit, right?

Have her do your evil
bidding or something?

I was actually thinking
more along the lines

of Chapter of Through
the Looking Glass.

- That's the one where...
- [shushing] I haven't seen the movie yet.

Uh, just text me later?

Huh?

[Mad Hatter giggles]

[beeps]

- [Mad Hatter cackling]
- [Batgirl screams]

Guilt makes you look very old.

I look great, and I am in a hurry, okay?

I have to kidnap Bruce Wayne.

For our girlfriend.

It doesn't matter how
many times you push it,

it won't go any faster.

Ugh! Leave it to Batgirl
to make a simple kidnappin'

so much harder than it needs to be!

So does she deserve to be tortured

by a creepy assh*le like Jervis?

Yes!

Maybe? Ugh. I don't know.

And who names their kid Jervis anyway?

- Right?
- Jervis.

Jervis.

Would it be so bad to help Batgirl out?

[groans] She's a member
of the Bat Family.

Hello? I shouldn't have
to explain this to you!

All right, jeez. All I'm saying
is it would be a lot easier

if she had a friend there to help her.

I am not her friend!

Who are you trying to convince?

[sighs] I should go back there, huh?

I'm not telling you what to do.

I am simply talking it through with you.

Helping you track your feelings.

You know, this is why
people hate therapy.

[Ocean Master] Let's get
this show on the road.

Just sign pages two, three and nine.

The lawyers will do the rest.

Limited edish. Feather-bound tip.

- [sparkles]
- Platinum-embossed barrel.

She drives real nice.

Damn!

I might have to get myself
one of these after this deal.

[laughs] I like where your head's at.

God. The hell? Should I call security?

No, it's just my dumbass brother.

[chuckles] I get it.
My brother's a d*ck too.

- It's Aquaman.
- Yeah, I know.

Total d*ck.

- [King Shark roaring]
- There's a door, like, three feet away from you.

Why are you always so dramatic?

You can't sell!

This kingdom has been our family home

for thousands of years.

Oh, wait, hold on a minute. We
talkin' shark years or human years?

Hah! Just doing the math.

Sure, the kingdom has drawbacks,

but think about the good times.

Think about all the hijinks, the games,

the blood-crazed feeding frenzies.

We'll always have those memories.

Sharks don't get Alzheimer's, baby!

I mean, that's actually the only thing
they got right in Deep Blue Sea.

I don't get why they deviated
so much from the novel.

Wait, stop. I know what you're doing

and it won't work.

I am selling and I'm moving up-current.

Now, f*ck off back to land.

Now, I can't let this sale go through.

And how do you plan to stop it?

I just need your signature,

and one initial here before...

[both shouting menacingly]

[inhales] This evening's entertainment!

Each of you has a cup filled with tea,

but some of you, or maybe all of you,

have a spoonful of cyanide.

I'll give the pot a spin

and whomever the spout
lands on must drink.

[slurps tea, clears throat]

[rabbit] No, that's good.

Yeah, for a moment there I
thought you were gonna k*ll me

because, you know, that's what you do.

But, yeah, this is regular tea.

I mean, you know, got a bit
of a kick to it, but, uh...

[gasps] Oh, God! That
burns so bad... [sizzling]

- "Earl Grey," she said.
- [rabbit choking and gasping]

She said, "Earl Grey
will make you dead."

[villains cackle]

- This is going to be fun, don't you think?
- [Batgirl wails]

[shushes] This isn't creepy.

My mom used to do this to me

all the time while I was tied up.

[Mad Hatter exclaims]

Round and round, I spin the wheel.

When it stops, what pain you'll feel.

Your turn. Drink up.

No way! I'm not one of your g*ons.

You can't make me do anything.

Are you sure? [snaps fingers]

[grunting]

[groans]

Ouch!

Hey, hat humper... We're not done!

Well, well, well. Tea for two!

Take her down! k*ll the clown!

And bring me their heads!

[both shouting]

[rabbits groaning]

[grunting]

[dishware breaking]

Harley, please!

Where is the honor amongst villains?

Hey, don't look at me.

Look at her.

[Mad Hatter groaning in pain]

Why are you smiling?

You were seconds away
from being puppeted

by a leprechaun in a funky hat.

I knew you'd come back.

You may not be a bona fide hero,

but you're not as ruthless as you think.

[Mad Hatter whimpering]

- You were sayin'?
- Yeesh.

Did you really just k*ll
him to contradict me?

I like k*lling assholes.
Don't read into it.

Whatever you say... friend.

[sighs] We are in the
area of friendship.

We're not making bracelets yet.

We're not!

Oh, and FYI, when
someone texts LOL period,

the conversation is over!

Got it. Where you goin'?
Off to do another good deed?

LOL period!

[ballroom music playing]

Ugh!

[singsong] Bruce! Oh, Bruce.

Selena!

Hiya, Brucey!

[grunts]

[Bruce groans]

Ah! I knew it was two-roll job.

[shouting, blows landing]

[grunting]

[screaming] Ow! Oh!

[both shouting]

[both screaming]

[Ocean Master exclaiming] Whoa!

[both grunting]

What are you gonna do, huh?

Eat me like you did our other brothers?

Oh, you know that was a mistake.

I suffer from
hypoglycemic-induced blackouts!

All times?

[exclaims] My beautiful helmet!

[Prince Shark growling]

You don't have to do this alone.

We could work this
out, make our own rules.

Maybe figure out a system
where we alternate duties,

you know, give us both
time to pursue our passions.

There's a lot of great
scheduling apps out there.

- [gasps]
- [Prince Shark grunting]

[both grunting]

Oh, God, Jesus!

- [Prince Shark choking]
- I don't want the helmet back.

[gasps]

I didn't want this.

So, did we leave room for dessert?

[drilling]

sh*t, I just did this then minutes ago.

[Harley shouts]

Ah! Harls?

Who has two thumbs to break

and a full set of teeth to yank out...

This guy!

[muffled] Mommy, come
back. I'll be a good boy.

Oh, sh*t. Okay, so there's that
baggage you were talking about.

I cannot be here when he wakes up.

[theme music playing]