02x01 - Blast from the Past

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Two Dads". Aired: September 20, 1987 – April 30, 1990.*
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Joey and Michael, who fought over the same woman 13 years ago now have, upon her death, been awarded joint custody of her daughter - who might be either of theirs.
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02x01 - Blast from the Past

Post by bunniefuu »

Look at this.

Not only does our darling
orange juice in the morning,

but she's also very
right to the pitcher

the new Bloomingdale's
Get me" catalog.

Nicole doesn't have
stores like that.

Man, I can take her
she wouldn't believe.

I mean places
only I know about.

Oh, yeah, great,
places where you shop?

Where the merchandise
is pre-bagged

and set out on the curb
every Thursday?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I know what our
daughter likes, okay?

I'm the one who
Remember?

I know where she goes,
I know who she hangs out with.

Guys! How ya doin'?

Nice shirt!
Let's move, Nicole!

NICOLE: Coming!

See, I like to get to school
minutes early, y'know?

I like to watch the steam
while they do laps.

Who is that?

JOEY: Oh, her?

That's a real good
friend of Nicole's.

Morning, Dads.
JOEY: How ya doin', Nick?

Shelby? Did you
Nope.

Dads, this is my new friend,
Shelby Haskell.

Hi. It's nice
to meet you.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you
ever in my life,

Mr. "I know who
hangs out with".

Shelby thinks I should
party in the loft.

Well, Joe, why don't
You two go way back.

See, here's the thing.

You two and Nicole
of the whole school.

You guys are symbols
and understanding.

Well, I thought we should
and celebrate that with boys.

What was the question?

I want to give a party.

With boys.

Yes.

No.

Girls... Joe.

No, no, no, no.

No boys.
No boys.

Uh-huh.
Party yes, boy no.

Is that your
last word, Tarzan?

Yes.

Good.
we're going to do.

We're going to have
right here in the loft

and I'm going
to tell you why.

I'm gonna hate this...

Joe, look, this is
in our daughter's life.

I assume you remember
we had a boy-girl party?

Yes, I do.
Uh-huh.

I was pivotal.

This is exactly why
a party for her.

Let alone here.

I mean, if we have
for her here,

what are we
saying, Michael?

We'll be saying, "Hey, you!
monkey paws off my daughter."

And especially,
we'll be saying,

"Gee, aren't we glad
at this party at our place

"instead of being at a party
hell-hole of a basement."

Capisce?

This is perfect!
on a dimmer?

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see
a part of me in you

? A little something special

? That comes shining through

? I hear it in your laughter

? And I feel it when you cry

? I will be right there
for you

? Until the day I die

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

Nick, this is just as much
your house as it is my house

and I want you to feel
of party here you want.

And my house.

I want you to treat
this place with respect.

So, there's a couple
want to work out.

Okay, now...

No boys over
years old, all right?

I want everybody
out of here by : p.m.

Dads, this is just
a little get together.

Nothing's going
to happen.

Yeah. You've got
my absolute guarantee.

Well, thank you.

I say, uh...
Hickey check in the morning.

Hello...

Hey, Cory! How ya doin'?

Now, take a close look
at this boy, okay?

You want us off your backs,
to your party.

A dog was about
so I brought it up.

Was that okay?

Thank you very much.

It's all dry
and everything.

Even this letter
kind of personal

but we each have
doesn't have to tell me

who it's from if
she doesn't want to.

(SQUEALS)

(SQUEALS) What?

I can't believe it!

Too excited.
I smell boy.

I can't believe it!
It's from Zach!

Zach?

Perhaps a kindly
but aging uncle?

Zach Nichols! We went
to Camp Okeefenokee

of the Swamp together
for three summers.

We met in the infirmary
when we were nine.

It was so cute!
on his eyelid

and it swelled up so big,
it looked like a second head.

I can do that.

And our last summer,
they had this carnival

and there was
and we got married.

(CHUCKLING) I still
have the ring.

k*ll me now.

So, uh, Mrs. Zach,
have to say there?

He's moving here!
He's going to our school!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

I have this great idea.
the party in his honor?

So everybody gets
to meet him.

Is he cute?

(GROWLS)

ALL: What the heck was that?

Let's get to school
we see! C'mon!

Bye, Dads! C'mon, Cory.

I delivered
the letter myself.

I took that letter out from
to my own personal sneakers.

You know, I think Nicole is
was gonna do to the letter.

Hi, Cory.
Don't bother.

Well, Cory's depressed.
in a swamp.

I always wanted
a big, swamp wedding.

Gnats swarming,
alligators snapping,

my family sinking
into the bog...

Cory feels a little
moving up here.

When do we meet him?
Well...

Nicole's gonna have
him to all of her friends.

A teenage party?
With boys?

Here? In my building?

Yes.

I have two words
for you.

Uh-uh.

Judge, we're both gonna be
nobody has any fun whatsoever.

Wrong, Mikey.
because we're here.

I mean, look how lucky
these kids are, huh?

Their first party with boys
and the chaperones are not

the Wrinkles J. Geezer
and his wife Wheezy.

It's us! Young, hip us.

Talk to him.

Joe, let me explain
something to you.

You see, this is how kids
Nicole's age count.

, , old, coma, dead.

Joe, here's the natural
order of things.

When the Aztecs were your age,
onto the desert to die

so they wouldn't be
a burden to their children.

Joe, these are
your wander years.

Oh, yeah? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah?
Hey, what's the matter?

You, you, you, afraid
shown up, huh? (CHUCKLES)

You're afraid that
in front of Nicole's friends

and you're just gonna be
good, old Mr. Taylor.

Yes, that's exactly it.
Joe, look, it doesn't matter.

No matter what you do,
these kids are gonna see you

as some old guy,
in a polyester sports coat

and big,
bellbottom pants,

and a flower tie
down to your ankles!

Maybe I should
bring a date...

Ooh, gross!
Old people making out...

(RETCHES)

Nicole, ever since
Zach's letter came,

I've been kinda jealous
acting stupid.

I know I've been
embarrassing you in school

with all the crying
and stuff, and...

And I want to apologize.

Apology accepted.

Let's pick boys
for the party.

I made a list...

(SOBBING)

No, no, yes,
Oh, God, yes.

How'd you decide so fast?

I use a numerical system.

On a scale of one to ten,
a six point five.

Ladies, I'm surprised at you.

This is sexist.

There's more to a man
than just looks.

There's personality.
Sensitivity. Bulk.

I mean, if it's wrong
a sex object,

isn't it just
as wrong for a man?

We don't mean
to offend anyone.

Especially a nine and a half
like you, Mr. Klawicki.

More fries?

Thanks.

(WHISTLING)

What's my rating?
Ten.

Ten, huh? Ten!

Ten.

Ten, ten, ten, ten, ten.

The woman I love
called me a .

Zach can't b*at that!
I am home free. Uh-huh.

Hey, I'm a ten!
Good.

Hey, Wick, how ya doin'?

Hey, about Nicole's party,
want to cater it?

Geez, I'd be
honored to, Joe.

What's the, uh, theme
for the evening?

Celibacy.

Excuse me, I'm looking
for Nicole Bradford.

She lives
in this building.

And, uh, whom
should I say is calling?

Tell her it's her husband.

You grew up beautiful.

I'd marry you
all over again.

Ew...

Smooth, Joe. He's like, uh,
a little version of you.

I can't believe
you wore a suit!

Of course,
I'm wearing a suit.

I told you
I was wearing a suit.

I told you tonight
like a father.

I was very firm
on the subject.

I remember,
'cause I gave myself chills.

You didn't say that
the dark blue death suit!

(LAUGHS) I mean,
only Ward Cleaver wears

the dark blue death suit
to a party!

Yes, Joe.
And I'm proud!

'Cause at least Ward knew
at the Beav's parties.

He knew to stand by
a tower of dullness

and when June suggested,

"Hey Ward, why don't we
get down with our bad selves

"and show these youngsters
how to Watusi."

It was Ward who responded,
and correctly,

"Oh, no, sweetheart,
that's what Joey would do."

Yeah. And from then on,
at Lumpy's house.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hey, Nick!
The party has arrived!

NICOLE: Can you let them in?
I'm not ready!

You got it, babe.

Joe, just, just remember
and the Union Gap.

Why?

Because you can!

All right now, this thing,
power envelope amplifier.

This thing's got watts
pre-amp, all right?

Now, look, look.
you Stevie Winwood fans?

Hey, uh, Joe.
Wait a minute.

You know what you oughta do?
come by some weekend,

we'll sit around
of the old albums he did

when he was with Traffic.

Joe!

Excuse me.
My Aunt Muriel's calling me.

Traffic?

Albums?

Joe.

You're annoying everybody
and no one likes you.

It's not me, Michael,
it's your suit,

it's sucking all the oxygen
out of the room!

Flowers.
Nice touch, Kupkus.

Cory! Hi.

(CHUCKLES)
Would those be for me?

It's the
"Friendship Bouquet".

(CHUCKLES)

You are so sweet!
(DOOR BELL RINGS)

(SQUEALS) That's gotta be him!
Everyone else is here!

Hi.

It's him! He's here!

Hi.

Hi.

(UPBEAT LOVE SONG PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

I thought
how pretty you are.

Hey, look who's here!
The guest of honor.

How ya doin'?
ZACH: Thanks.

Thank you, both.

You sure know how to make
the new guy feel welcome.

Hey, well, Nicole speaks
very highly of you.

That's great.
missed her.

C'mon everybody!
We got burgers on the table.

I can't eat 'em all myself.

We got sliced tomatoes,
what else we need?

Uh, excuse me, Sir.

Do you have any more chips?

Yes, yeah.
Sure do.

What'd you say?

Hey, he just wanted to know
if there were more chips,

I said I'll get them.
No, I want to hear him say it.

I just wondered
if there were anymore chips.

I hope I'm not
out of line, sir.

There! That! That!

You called me "sir."

Yes, sir.
Don't do that!

Don't do that.
call me, uh, that. Okay?

You know, I mean,
one of the guys, okay?

Call me Joe.

Why?

Knock yourself out.

Good! There's a nice
of terror in the room.

That should keep
everything under control.

I am nobody's "sir!"

Here we go...

C'mon! What kind of
party is this, huh?

We got the girls
we got the boys on the other.

Let's, uh, (CHUCKLES)
c'mon, crank it up, here!

Let's have a party!
(MUSIC PLAYS)

Nick!

Hey, c'mon, let's go.

(SCATTING)

? When I get older,
losing my hair

? Many years from now

? Will you still be
sending me a valentine

? Birthday greetings,
bottle of wine

? If I'd been out
till quarter to three

? Would you lock the door?

? Will you still need me,
will you still feed me

? When I'm sixty four? ?

Whoa!

I'm a fossil.

A mummy.

They should put me
climate controlled cases

so I don't rot.

Oh, man, if I look up
and you're smiling,

I'm going to
right through your cheeks.

Thank you.

Joe, look at it this way,
you broke the tension, okay?

There was tension there,
you broke it.

The party's definitely
happenin' out there, now.

Of course,
we're in here now...

Coincidence?
I don't know.

Is the music
a little bit loud?

I only mention it
are humming right now.

It's perfect.
to music like this.

See, now there you go.

That's great.
just like a Dad.

Yeah. Dear, old dad.

C'mon.
You're very alive.

You are, in fact,
there are times

I feel a little stuffy
next to you.

It's true.

Of course, there are
make me feel real smart.

Like tonight, huh?
That's correct.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(SHUSHING)
What? What?

The music stopped.

JUDGE WILBUR: Hi.

Margaret Wilbur.
Federal Judge.

I was just relaxing
in my chair

when I couldn't help
but hear the music.

Hi.

Margaret Wilbur.

Well-connected
down at juvenile court.

Which one's Zach?

Cute.

Hi.

Margaret Wilbur.

Nicole's like
a daughter to me.

I support capital punishment.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Thanks.

It's a real pleasure.

Well, just thought
and introduce myself.

Why don't I turn the music
back on for you?

(MUSIC RESUMES)

There. That's nice.

Nicole, may I...
Have this dance?

Treasure this moment!

Excuse me, Zach,
I believe I asked her first.

I believe it's her call.

Nicole?

Nicole.

Nicole, you know, as a rule,
I don't usually do this.

Come here.

Stop it!

Cory?

Uh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
how sorry I am!

I'm sorry, too.

I usually make
a better first impression.

And I really want
you guys to like me.

But there're some things
worth fighting for.

I'll call you tomorrow,
Nicole.

No, you won't!

(SIGHS)

Hey, Nick, come on,
have to get used to

guys fighting over you.

Why?

You inherited that
from your mother.

I really like Cory.
all the same things,

and we have a good time
just talking.

What do you call that?

You call that, "friend."

Well, and Zach.

Around Zach I get all nervous,
I don't know what to say,

and I feel like
What do you call that?

It's called, uh,
it's called trouble for me.

It's called
breach of contract.

What?

Now, correct me if I'm wrong,

but when we got you,
this little girl?

And they said,
this little girl?"

and we said, "Oh, yeah,
we love this little girl."

But, now where
did it say you could grow?

I mean, suddenly,
you're turning

and there's and there's
parties and boys,

and, and this Shelby person
I got a sh**ting pain.

And, and I got
a sneaking suspicion that

next year, this time,
wanna be , huh?

Well, I gotta tell you,
Nick, I'm your father

and I'm a lot wiser
giving this some thought,

and I've decided that
from now on, you're .

Hey, I'm gonna cut
in here, okay?

I just wanna say that
be her own age.

Why?

Because, I think we should
all be our own age.

Oh, you do?
Yeah, I do.

I mean, take our age
for instance, right?

You know why,
to be our age?

No. Why is it so good
to be our age?

Because, we've already
been her age.

And who else better than us
to help her get through it?

Well, nice to have you back.

Now, how 'bout a dance
with your old man, huh?

Yes, sir.

(LAUGHS)

(HUMMING)

(NICOLE LAUGHS)

You know, Nicole, as a rule,
I don't usually do this...

(MUSIC PLAYING)
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