02x02 - Who's on First?

[bunniefuu]

We got this
in the mail.

You see this?

Very thought-provoking stuff.

Now here's one course,
Stress Reduction,"

which gets me thinking,
it's ten after seven.

Where the hell is my daughter?

Hey, she's gonna be here
any minute, Michael.

Come on.
She's just out on a date.

She's a little bit late,
that's all.

No, Joe, it's not just a date.

She goes to a movie
that's a date

'cause we know Cory.

We own Cory.

But how much do
this kid, Zach?

What, you think
he's more experienced?

I think he's turbo-charged.

I think he wears
and Nike necking shoes.

I think, I think this kid,
to pump up his lips,

and at the end of a date,
and you pull the cord,

and his lips inflate
of truck tires,

and then he sucks her up
like a pterodactyl,

and that's it,
our daughter again!

Breathe into a bag, Michael.

Am I the only parent
around here?

(CHUCKLES) You're the only one
with an aneurism.

I see. So, so you're not,
in the least?

No. Not in the least least.

Uh-huh.

Now, it's funny,
these windows over here

have dirt on them
Antediluvian age.

Yet those windows,
which are already so clear

I can see the meaning of life
through them,

you continue to clean.

Now, why?

No particular reason.
Uh-huh.

Go away, go away.

Well, look at that great view
of the front door!

You've been watchin' for her
the whole time, haven't you?

Squeegee?

One, please.

Your dads home?

You didn't see those two
sitting in the window?

Did you enjoy the movie?

Uh-huh.

I'll remember
for the rest of my life

because I saw it with you.

Very sweet.

I had a really nice time,
Nicole.

Me, too, Zach.

Okay, she's home,
she's safe, she's fine.

I told you, there was nothin'
to worry about.

Oh, you told me?
Hey, I wasn't worried.

I'm not saying you were.
Well, I wasn't.

All right.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see
a part of me in you.

? A little something special
that comes shining through

? I hear it in your laughter,

? And I feel it when you cry,

? I will be right there
for you,

? Until the day I die

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

Long goodbye.

MICHAEL: How come
their feet aren't moving?

No, wait, they're moving now.

Yeah, they're comin' in.

Come on.

Hi, sweetheart.

How was the movie?

Oh, fine.

Oh, good.

So, uh, what else did you do?

Nothing. I swear.

So, Zach,
what movie did you see?

(STAMMERING)
The one the guy with the hat.

Nicole?

Dad, it was dark.

Look, it was nice
but I really must be going.

Oh, sorry to hear that.
Maybe some other time, sure.

Hey, Nicole, I'll see you
in school tomorrow, right?

Right. Bye.

Bye.

Just a date.

Nothing.

I went on a date
and now I'm back.

Nothing.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(BOTH SHRIEK)

Nothing.

Let me see
if I can do this in my head.

"Nothing happened" divided by
of the movie"

multiplied by
"Hey, Dad, it was dark,"

carry the screaming Shelby,
equals...

Nicole got kissed.
It adds up.

You know, I've been trying
to stay calm

because I didn't stay calm
for her first date,

and I didn't stay calm
for her first party with boys,

and I told myself
I'm gonna learn to stay calm.

Calm stinks!

That guy, that, that
bag of hormones.

He put six of his arms
around my daughter.

He put those big pumpy lips
right on her face!

I gotta lay down.

I wanna punish somebody.

He put his hands
on my face...

And they weren't even
sweaty!

Oh, what control!

And then he looked at me,
really intensely.

Like he was gonna
eat my nose or something.

Then what,
then what, then what?

Then he kissed me!

What did you do?

I let him!

(CHUCKLES)

Who stopped kissing first?

I did, I think.

You're not supposed to think.

You're supposed to
listen to your lips.

What were they telling you?

They were telling me,
"Breathe, you're dying."

Why breathe? Pass out.
He'll think he did something.

I did my best.

Let's see your best.

You want to see me
kiss a frog?

Come on, turn him
into a prince.

"It was a really
swell evening, Nicole.

"Like, goodnight."

Was that okay?

I've had better.

Why is all this up to me?

I mean, don't boys know
any of this?

Boys know nothing.

Boys are Play-Doh
and nothing else,

except sometimes
they have cars.

Now, lesson one,
making happy noises.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, I'm real comfortable
with the fact that

Nicole is up there
not gettin' advice from us,

but being influenced
by Shelby,

under whose picture
it says, "Boy Toy."

She's our daughter.
influenced by Shelby.

And Shelby's
a perfectly nice girl.

She just happens to be
a little fast for her age.

Oh, a little fast for her age?

Hey, she's a nitro-burning
funny car.

Shirley Muldowney's back there
going whoo, whoo, whoa!

Hello.

Hey, Cory.

It's : . Do you know
where your daughter is?

Zach brought her home.

What time?
Seven-thirteen.

Thirteen minutes late?

Well, that's the last
she'll see of him. All right!

No, it was all right.
within half an hour.

There's a grace period?

When I was going out with
her, it was a reign of terror,

and now she's going
out with some major action,

and you guys
are Pa and Pa Kettle!

Hey, when you say
"major action" there, Cor,

what do you know
about Zach, huh?

His last three dates
are out on video cassette.

Say, Cor...

How would you
like to stroll up

and say hi to Nicole
and Shelby?

You mean I can actually
go in her bedroom?

Just visiting.

Wowser!

Cory, maybe when you're
hear some things,

maybe you tell us
what you hear, huh?

Hey, you think I should
wear a wire?

Just...go. Get in.

Zero on the frog meter.

Did I at least get my nose
out of the way that time?

(KNOCKS AT DOOR)
Come in!

Hello, Nicole. Shelby.

Cory, can we help you?

Just looking.

What are you doing here?

They, they said.

Well, as long as you're here,

could we borrow your mouth
for a few minutes?

Sure, just as long as
I get it back for dinner.

Nicole, observe.

I'll take questions
of the presentation.

I'll buy you a house.

Now, would you like to try it?

Okay.
Yeah.

And then another one
from you, okay?

Wait, wait,
I don't know about this.

Come on, come one!
Hey!

See, nothing's going on.

(BOTH SCREAMS)

I know this looks bad.

How does this look?

Nicole, you are grounded!

Too bad, Nicole.

Hey, you're grounded, too!

(GROANS) I'll just take this.

Never, never come out
of this room!

I didn't do anything!

And that was absolutely
the right way to handle that.

There's nothing else
we could have done.

You hungry?
Yeah.

Doing the right thing
builds up my appetite.

What do you feel like making?

Something I can chop up!

What is this,
the Home Chopping Network?

It's nothing we can't handle!

We're right
on top of this one.

And that's why
you're hurting food?

What's going on here
are totally right.

What'd the lettuce do?

Judge!

Hey, don't you dare
come down those stairs!

I'm innocent.
I wanna talk to the Judge.

Hey, we are the judge, Nicole.
We are the Supreme Court!

Judge, they grounded me.
They grounded me for nothing!

Maybe they had a good reason.

It's not what they thought!
It was completely innocent!

Yeah, innocent. You were
on the bed. He was on the...

You and he were on the bed!

There is more
to the story than that.

You've got
my complete attention.

Zach kissed me,
and it scared me a little bit,

but you can't tell
fathers that,

because they go
all mental on you.

So I talked to Shelby.

And then Cory came in
to show me how,

and then it was my turn.

And Shelby pushed Cory
and he fell on me.

And that's
when you guys came in.

Get a rope.

Shelby pushed him?

Find a high tree.

No, Cory the Hun
grabbed me passionately

and threw me on the bed.

We'll need a skittish colt.

Why didn't you tell us?

Who could talk to you?
You were snarling

and throwing boys
through doors!

One boy.

You grounded Cory.

You grounded
someone else's kid?

He was, he was in the bedroom
with our daughter.

How'd he get in there?

We sent him in.

But, wait. See, we...

Help me out, Joe,
I'm dying here, I'm...

Hey, Judge, Nicole's
getting to be that age.

And she's starting to
do those things.

I knew you'd understand.

And I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.

However, at times like these,

a female point of view
is in order.

Chat, Nicole?

Yes, please.

Am I still grounded?

Well, not in any
meaningful sense, no.

We're sorry.
Sorry.

Hey, Mike, you know,
I don't want Nicole to have to

run to the Judge
just because she thinks

that we're not sensitive
to her female stuff.

Why can't she come to us
for a female point of view?

Joe, get therapy.

What are you looking at?

This adult education brochure.

Maybe they
got a course called

"Daughter Point of View."

Hey, I'm not goin'
back to school.

Wait, here you go.
Here's one.

"Female Sexual Awakening."

No, no, no. I'm not going
back to school. No! No, no.

Yes, yes, yes!

Thank you, Michael.

I thought this was a seminar
on teenage girls.

I thought it was adolescent
sexual awakening.

Yeah? Well, you were way off.

Hi, Joey Harris,
single father.

No.

Maybe I got the room number
wrong. I don't know.

The room is right.
It's right all over.

Hi, Joey Harris.

Hoping to get in touch
with my female side.

I'm so sorry we had to
cut it short last time.

'Cause I think we were really
getting to some core elements

of female sexual patterning.

Now I know that we talked
repressed sexual response,

and I know that we
in the class tonight,

so I want to get their names,
find out their feelings,

and then we'll continue on
from where we were.

So...you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hello, I'm Janet. I'm ,

and I've just come out
of a destructive relationship

that has left me
completely closed up.

And I want to
explode sexually.

GROUP: Oh, yes.

(APPLAUDS)

And...you.

(CLEARS THROAT) Michael.
My name is Michael,

and I'd like Janet
to explode on me.

(ANGRY CLAMOR)

I mean, no, no, no,
no, no, no, I'm sorry!

That's not, that's not what I
meant! That's not, I'm sorry.

You misunderstood.
See, that was wrong.

I apologize. That was a...
That was a patterned response,

and I hope to break
Through this course,

and, and learn more about
and as an individual,

and learn more about
the whole female,

you know, the whole
female thing.

You know.

You?

I'm Joey Harris.

Michael and I are single dads,

and we're raising
a teenage girl together.

GROUP: Ahh.

Together.
Both of us, together.

Yeah, well,
because...

Well, we feel that she's
missing the female presence.

You know, it's hard for us
to fill that role.

So problems come up.

This is fascinating...

Because we can all trace our
sexual functioning

and dysfunctioning
experiences.

So, tell me, Joey,
are you having?

Well, Nicole...
You know, she's...

She's starting to
date seriously.

You know. She's in situations
with boys and we...

You know, we worry.

Because you don't know
exactly what she's doing,

so you react with suspicion
and distrust.

Well, Michael did.

Michael, do you think maybe
by these boys,

that they're gonna
take your daughter away?

No. No, not exactly.

But you are worried
when she goes out?

Yeah, a little bit,
a little bit.

To the point where you can't
concentrate on other things?

What?

Don't you think
old enough to date?

Sure, yeah, but, I...
I still worry.

Can't I worry?

You don't trust your daughter?

I do.
Then what's eating you?

I don't trust the guys
she's going out with!

Why?
I don't know.

Yes, you do! Why?
Because all men are pigs!

ALL: Yeah! Yeah!

(APPLAUDS)

My name's Evelyn.

Thank you, Michael.

This is fascinating.
stay with this

because Michael has had
a major breakthrough.

But I think there is
more pain he's hiding.

So let's all focus on Michael

and find out
what's wrong with him.

Michael?

(WHISPERS) Do the
pig stuff again.

Man, oh, man.

I mean, were you
a hit tonight!

Thank you.
(CHUCKLES)

You never told me
that story about...

You and your mother's friend
at the beach house.

Oh, well, you know,
it was very personal.

It' a very sensitive,
private revelation.

Yeah, well, the women
loved that one.

I made it up.

I'm a pig.

Nah, you're not a pig.

Come on. I mean,
we're guys, right?

I mean, we're in a room
we acted like guys,

they acted like women.

I mean, that's the natural
order of things.

So Nicole is ready to join
the natural order.

And we got dates
for the rest of our lives.

All in all, not a bad day.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, Nick.

How was the seminar?

How was the seminar?

She wants to know
how the seminar was.

Well, child of ours,
here's the thing.

See, we went to the seminar
so we could try to learn

how to understand what it is
you're going through, right?

So we could help you through
these very difficult,

kissing years.

It's not difficult.

Yeah, well,
they're difficult for us.

Well, the Judge says
all young women go through.

We were hoping
you'd be the exception.

You got dads, Nicole.

You got two Freds, no Wilma.

Two Barneys, no Betty.
(CHUCKLES)

I mean, we're gonna see things
from a dad's point of view,

no matter how many of these
seminars we go to.

And, and we're gonna
go to them all.

But even though
you're gonna grow up

and yorre gonna do stuff
that we're not crazy about,

and we're gonna respond
as we had hoped,

but there's a big bonus
for you.

Ask me what.
What?

See, by having us around,
you get all this

inside information
on the opposition.

So we can teach you anything
and how they handle romance.

Yeah, I could teach you
from my own experiences.

Michael could teach you
from what he's read in books.

(LAUGHS)

The point is, we just want
need to go to anybody

but us for anything
about anything.

I can come to you
with guy questions?

You can come to us
with guy questions.

And you won't get upset?

You can come to us
with guy questions.

I've got one.

Okay.

Now I've gone out
on a date with a guy.

Now at the end of this date,

the guy has
kissed me goodnight.

And I have decided
it was kind of nice,

and while my fathers
were at a seminar,

the guy called me
and asked me for another date

at the end of which,

I know he'll
want to kiss me again.

You want to know
on a date with this guy.

See what happens?
are open,

there are no
misunderstandings,

and no one gets
locked in her room.

No. I want to know
at what point in the date

do I sneak out
and brush my teeth?

You're grounded.

Lock her up.
Yeah.

(SCREAMS)
This is great.

You ask questions, we answer.

We're talking.
Ideas are exchanged.

Opinions are aired.

Everybody is happy.

Throw her in there!
Throw her in!

There you go!
NICOLE: Hey!

All right. Next question.