02x07 - Playing with Fire

[bunniefuu]

Paper's here?

Is that the Sunday paper?

I heard the paper!
Dibs on the magazine!

Well, wouldn't you, look at
this Chrysler Cordoba, .

Original paint.

Oh, the review of books.

How very exciting.

Listen to this,
listen to this. Here's a guy,

he's in prison for arson,
he writes a book

Playing With Fire
right away catchy title

and it's about a guy who
coincidentally enough

himself, gets out of prison
and proceeds to set fire

to everything he sees.

The guy's name?
Ready for this?

Burnin' Vernon McCracken!

And they let this
guy out of jail?

Sounds like a guy
with revenge on his mind.

I'd hate to be the judge
that sent this guy up.

Yeah.

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see
a part of me in you

? A little something special
that comes shining through

? I hear it in your laughter

? And I feel it
when you cry

? I will be
right there for you

? Until the day I die

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

Read it. Page one.

Read what
Burnin' Vernon wrote.

"I am the cleansing fire.

"I will smoke out those
who judged me.

"They will stand unprotected
and I will judge them.

"For I am the avenging flame."

Ooh, the avenging flame.

That's what I get
when I eat Mexican.

I don't like him talking
about smoking out judges.

I think he means our Judge.

Honey, it's fiction,
that's not real.

It's a thr*at!

The book might as well
have been tied to a rock

and thrown through
the Judge's window.

She is in danger!

Honey, this kind of thing goes
along with her profession.

What do you want to tell her?
stop being a judge?

She can be a judge.
A kindly, merciful judge

who never puts
anybody in jail.

She's gotta put people in jail
otherwise she gets ootcy.

Nicole, when you're in the
public eye, you get threats.

It's the same for celebrities.

And sports heroes.
Don't.

Especially sports heroes.
Don't.

Yep, sports heroes
get 'em all the time.

You mean like you?
Aw, Joe.

Why I got threats was because
I made some bad snaps

that maybe cost a couple
or eight games.

So, I started getting some
very threatening letters.

But I ignored them,
and nothing happened.

Wait a minute, that was around
the same time my car blew up.

Smoke?

Yeah, eight-track tapes flying
all over the place...

No, no, no!

I smell smoke!

There's some here, too.

Fire!

Burnin' Vernon!

Hey, Nicole!

NICOLE: "I will burn
down the buildings!

"Those who judge,
will I judge!"

Come on, Michael, wake up
and smell page .

Hey, wacky,
it was a grease fire okay?

Klawicki had a grease fire!

Hey, Joey, do you still
believe that Burnin' Vernon

had nothing to do with
the fire in Klawicki's?

You're still reading
that book, huh?

Yup, and not doing
her homework.

Fine. I'll do my history.

We're studying World w*r II.

Did you know that
started as a grease fire?

That kid has some imagination.

Gee, I wonder where
she gets that from?

Hey, one can never have
too many fire extinguishers.

What are you going to do with
this? Put out a burning clown?

It's okay to be brave
in front of Nicole,

but you and I both know that
we could be in danger here!

No, actually we
don't know that.

I know Nicole thinks that
the Judge is in danger but

you're saying now that
we are in danger?

Yes. Hey, I read the book.

The guy says that he's
gonna burn the buildings

where the judges are hiding.

Well, we're living
in the building

where the Judge who put
the guy away is hiding!

That's words!
That's just words on paper.

Creative writing. Come on,
you know, you're an artist.

You know that creative
stuff is nothing.

Just... Listen,
just don't get paranoid.

He doesn't even know
where she lives.

Hey, I'm just being careful.
I'm nowhere near paranoid.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Wait a minute. Wait, wait!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

"If the sparrow
flies at dawn,

"will the billy goat
know truth?"

KLAWICKI: I forget mine.

It's okay. It's Klawicki.

Hey, guys, I found this in
front of the Judge's door.

It's Burnin' Vernon's book.

All right, don't panic,
don't panic, all right?

Look at this.

"To Judge Wilbur.
I'm burning to see you."

All right, so he does
know where she lives.

We're all gonna die.

Judge, Burnin' Vernon's
book was found

on your doorstep this morning!

And look what he wrote.
"I'm burning to see you."

That's a thr*at, Judge.

Sweetie, if I had a nickel

for every thr*at
I've gotten, I'd have...

A little over a buck.

Judge, we all admire
your courage, okay?

But this is getting
a little scary here.

You got to get yourself
some protection.

I think we should
call the police.

No.
Why are you being so stubborn?

You tell some guy who
got mugged in the Village

there was no cop
around because

I needed to be
protected from nothing.

Hey, this is not nothing.

Is this how you handle
evidence in your courtroom?

I would say that we have
reasonable grounds to panic.

Boys, if you want to panic,

don't let me
stand in your way.

Where are you going?
Where are you going?

I'm going back to court.
Me, too.

Why?

Because we enjoy each
other's company and

since you think it's perfectly
safe to be with you

within match-striking
distance of you

you should have no objection
to my coming along.

Nobody likes a smartass kid.

Fine, don't like me, but stay
here and let us protect you.

I don't need protection.

Judge, look, at first I felt
the same way that you do.

But now, I'm scared and
I want to move, frankly.

You know what you need, Judge?
You need a bodyguard.

Joey, I read his book, too.

I think you can interpret
it anyway you want

and it still doesn't
mean anything.

That's why it's
a critical success.

Now, I'm going to my apartment

I'm gonna freshen up

and I'm going to
continue my day.

Well, you're not gonna be able
to get into your apartment.

Why?

I changed the locks.

That's it. You're right.

I'm in terrible danger!
I admit it!

I need to be protected!
From you!

You hired somebody
to protect the Judge

without even considering me.

Hey, wait, come on.
We thought about you,

but what kind of experience
you got as a bodyguard?

Hey, years in pro football,
I protected the quarterback.

Protection was my business.

And in those years of my
protecting the quarterback,

I'll have you know
that only one d*ed!

Hey, Klawicki...
Don't.

Klawicki, look. The guy...
The guy that we got, he's...

He's a professional officer.

And he volunteered
for this anyway,

because he knows
the Judge personally.

Don't.
He works in the courtroom.

He works in the courthouse?
Eeps.

Michael.

What, you got a shrimpy
little stenographer?

You said you need somebody
who can scare people!

You need size!
You need big!

Who's bigger than me?

Hi, everybody!

Get your meathooks
off me, you mutant.

She's the feisty one,
isn't she?

I'm Bull Shannon.

Bodyguard.

Okay, Judge.
These folks look safe.

Wait a minute!
Who's the little guy?

Hold it right there,
little fella.

Just what do you think
you're doing?

What's it look like,
bullethead?

I'm pourin' coffee.

How do I know
it's not poisoned?

Bull, he pours ,
cups of coffee a day.

So, maybe he's
a mass m*rder*r!

I'll taste it first.
Part of my job.

(SNIFFING)

(GARGLING)

What are you doing?

Many of your lethal toxins
require time to take effect.

So now we just wait for the
convulsions to kick in,

is that it?

Hey, if he dies, how do
we get him out of here?

All righty.
It's not poison.

Though I certainly wouldn't
have a second cup.

Well, my cup's empty,
I must be ready to go.

Night court. I'm out of here.

All righty!
hands where I can see 'em!

Are you my long
lost brother, Timmy?

By the way, boys,
thanks for the bodyguard.

I feel so much safer with this
banana following me around.

All clear. Stay close.

I got a choice?

I feel better. I do.

It's nice to know the Judge is
being protected by somebody

who may or may not know
what the hell he's doing.

Bull's no bodyguard.

Tasting coffee?

Nobody poisons coffee anymore.

Anymore? I guess that would be
the good old days, huh?

He doesn't have the eye.

Me, I smell
danger a mile away.

A guy walks in,
if he's trouble,

I spot him right away.

Something in the way
he carries himself.

Something in the way he looks.

Now not everybody can see it,

see, but I say
I got a trained eye.

It's a gift.

Hi! Can I help ya?

I'm just lookin' around.

Can't a guy just look around?

That's gotta be him.

That's Burnin' Vernon!

The worst thing we can do
is jump to conclusions.

Anybody seen a
Judge Margaret Wilbur?

I think we
should jump now.

I'm here to take care of her.

I think we should jump now.
We don't know enough to jump.

Hey, you sell lighter fluid?

ALL: Jump!

Look!

If people don't want
their feet washed,

you can't wash people's
feet against their will!

Leave 'em alone!

$ and time served.

Next case!

Wait!

Can't be too careful, Judge.
I better frisk 'em.

Wait a minute!
I'm the Assistant D.A.

Oops!

Bull, you frisk one more woman

I'm tossin' you
out of this courtroom.

Okey dokey.

Your Honor...

What? More crime?

This is Mr. Harold Streebeck.

He's been accused of burglary.

I was trying to deliver
a singing telegram!

And nobody was home.

I'm paid to be persistent.

So he broke in
through a window!

I object! The man is innocent
until he's proven guilty!

Shut up, thief.

You have a lawyer?

No, Your Honor.
I'd like to plead my own case.

I really think a lawyer
could help you.

Never mind.

? I bring singing telegrams

? I'm no thief, not me
no, ma'am

? The VCR they found on me
was purely circumstantial ?

Gong.

Believe it or not, Your Honor,

this is Mr. Streebeck's
third offense.

Maybe we should
send him to Sing Sing.

(CACKLES)

You are one big doofus.

Thank you, ma'am.

Hold Caruso for trial.

Next act!

I like the way the old
hangin' judges presided.

They could reach a decision
just by looking at somebody.

Guilty.

Hey, Judge, this
all Michael's fault.

Oh, you're great
under pressure, Joe.

We didn't even
start and you cr*ck,

you lousy
stoolie fink ya!

I wanna see my mouthpiece!

Order! Order in this court!

You actually say that?

Do you know, um...
"Objection sustained?"

I love this.

What's the charge?

as*ault and battery,
Your Honor.

You are so strict.

Why is that man bleeding?

He was struck on the head
with a cast iron skillet.

Why?

Well, look at him,
Judge. He's...

He's a suspicious
looking obvious criminal

Burnin' Vernon type.

Who's the arresting officer?

So, we screwed up.

Eugene. You were supposed
to stay undercover.

I was tryin' to...

You know this guy?

Officer Eugene? Sure.

NYPD.

Assigned to stake
out your apartment

in case Burnin' Vernon
showed up.

You assaulted
a police officer?

You didn't have to do that.

You want to see where I work,
you just come visit.

Actually, Your Honor, these
men are just accessories.

Where's the perpetrator?

Hi, Judge. I got busted.

Hold it.

First of all, she doesn't
get tried in this court,

she gets tried
in juvenile court.

And she doesn't get
tried at all because

I can't believe
she did anything!

Whack-o!

We already had
'em knocked out.

She just wanted
to do her part.

You got a report?
Yes, Your Honor.

I entered the premises at
: this evening,

inquired as to
your whereabouts,

and regained consciousness
approximately minutes

later, whereupon I promptly
arrested everybody I saw.

Come on, Judge,
it's his word against ours.

We're neighbors.
We live in the same building.

Who are you gonna believe?

We're going to the
big house, aren't we?

You know, I admit prison life
takes some getting used to.

The rooms are small,
it's hard to entertain,

impossible to make
a fashion statement.

But isolation can sometimes
be good for creativity.

In fact, to some people,

prison life can be
downright inspiring.

Wouldn't you say, Vernon?

Hiya, Judge.

What's it been,
about six years?

Boys.

I'd like you to
meet Vernon McCracken.

Burnin' Vernon!

Scary dude.

Relax.

You won't have to wrestle me
to the ground or anything.

Thank you.

Judge, I'm here because I want
you to send me back to prison.

They're waiting for
my second book,

and I can't write
on the outside.

Freedom is much
too distracting.

In prison there was
a creative community.

And there was a guy
named Ice Pick Izzy

who was the best darn editor
a fella could ask for.

You got writer's block

and you want me
to send you back to jail?

Please.

I miss Izzy.

No can do, Vernon.

But I'm booked
on the Today show!

Bryant Gumbel's gonna ask me
about my next book.

You know he will.

And I got nothing to tell him.

He'll tear me to
shreds, Judge!

You gotta put me
away before : a.m.,

Eastern Standard Time.

I can't send you back
in for no reason.

How about if I k*ll you?

You're an arsonist,
not a m*rder*r.

People change!

I changed in prison.

I traded burning things
down for writing books

whatever's creative.

I'll tell you what.

Supposing I could arrange
for you to go back in

three mornings a week?

You could work
with the inmates,

they could benefit
from your example.

Starting tomorrow?

: a.m.

Eastern Standard Time.

Thank you.

I couldn't face Bryant.
He's so scary.

Hey, Burnin' Vernon,

do you think I could have
your autograph for my

great American
criminals collection?

I've already got Churnin'
Vernon the Dairy k*ller,

Sermon Vernon,
the Evangelist k*ller,

and after you,

all I need is Wheat Germin'
Vernon, The Cereal k*ller.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, Judge.
Thanks for convincing the cop

to drop those charges.

I figured felony as*ault
wouldn't look good on

Nicole's college applications.

Well, anyway, now you don't

have to worry about
Burnin' Vernon anymore, huh?

I was never worried.

You were worried when
I wanted to stay with you.

You were afraid something
might happen to me.

So?

So, you were afraid.

I was afraid for you.

Because you love me.

You love all of us.

Tell me you love me.

Yick.

Come on, Judge, face it.

You are a member
of this family

and that scares
the hell out of you.

But we care about you and

we're always going to
be around to protect you.

What do you think of that?

I've had worse threats.

(MUSIC PLAYING)