02x09 - The God of Love

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Dad, it's no big deal.

Back so soon?

Hey, that's it!
No more movies from Finland!

You took Nicole to that
European sex movie?

Well, how are you
supposed to know?

It had this lovely
Scandinavian title,

The Family Snykvst,

and, and the poster shows this

adorable little
freckle-faced girl

standing in a field of wheat

so how are you
supposed to know?

I knew.

You saw it?
I'm in it.

See that, Dad? Now Judge,
as one woman to another,

shouldn't I be allowed
to see movies like that?

Go home and make
rice Krispie squares.

Yes ma'am.

And, ah, and from now on

we're only seeing movies
with dogs, all right?

Benji dogs and Lassie dogs and
Dalmatian dogs, right?

Just... dogs.

So Michael, how
was the movie?

Woof.

Dad, I'm gonna learn about
all this somewhere, you know.

Oh, What is that, a thr*at?

Can I tell you
something, Missy?

I don't want you learning
about sex in a dark theater.

I'd rather you get information
about sex at home.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Wow.

I never saw this woman
before in my life.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see
a part of me in you

? A little something special
that comes shining through

? I hear it in your laughter

? And I feel it
when you cry

? I will be
right there for you

? Until the day I die

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

I'm sorry if we interrupted
you or anything.

If you want, we could
come back in...

What do you need?
Five minutes?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Just great. Just great.
Live and in person.

The worst possible thing
you could see!

Joe, do you, do you have
anything to say for yourself?

Yeah, get outa here!

Good suggestion. Nicole?

My name's Nicole.
Here we go.

Jenny Slater.

Joey's told me all about you.

Really? Well, how long
have you known my dad?

Oh, a long time.

I own the art supply
store on Seventh.

He stops in all the time.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Is this your
sweater? I love it.

Well, thank you.

Although my dad never lets

me leave my clothes
in a pile on the floor.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Well, gosh,
isn't this wonderful?

A cozy little chat
between my daughter

and her new naked friend.

I think I should get dressed.

See, that would
be a good plan.

And, uh, you, uh,
may need these.

Those are mine.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Nicole! Room.

C'mon, Michael, you think I
don't know about this stuff?

We're all adults here,
aren't we?

Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly,
we're, we're all adults here.

Hey, how are the husband?
How're the kids?

It's okay, she could stay.

She could stay.
It's no big deal.

Hey, look, Nick...

Jenny and I, we
we like each other a lot.

And 'cause we like
each other so much,

we were just in here kissing.

Dad, it's : p.m..

You stopped kissing like...
Tuesday.

Nicole.
Room.

Hey, before you get started,
I just want to say that I

consider this to be a
Yeah.

So now Nicole knows
that her father had sex.

Nearly.

What, your mom and
dad never did it?

Yes! But they didn't
roll the bed

into the living room and
put on a dinner show!

This is my bedroom.
What am I supposed to do?

I mean, you came home early!
It wasn't my fault.

It could've happened
to anybody!

Not it wouldn't happen to me,

because my love life
happens elsewhere.

Where elsewhere?

Elsewhere. Her place,
a cheap motel, underwater.

See locales where my daughter
is not prone to discover me.

See as a rule I personally
tend to avoid having sex

in places like,
Nicole's algebra class.

I don't have sex
there, you see?

Her locker would be
another beautiful example.

The Junior Miss Department
at Bloomingdale's.

You know what I'm saying?

I think I should be leaving.

Michael, it was
a pleasure meeting you.

Joey. It was a pleasure.

Almost.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Now can I come down?

No, just six
more years, honey!

See? She loves this!
She loves this stuff!

She's up there right now
throwing Smurfs out the window

and putting up
hunk bun calendars!

Michael, nothing is
gonna change, okay?

She knows all about
this stuff already.

She's a mature,
sensible kid,

she's gonna handle this
in a mature, sensible way.

Behold the love bed!

ALL: Ooooooooooh.

What were they doing
when you walked in?

Shelby, I've told
you this story

four million times already.

It was nothing,
it was no big thing.

Again.
Okay, so I walk in

and there's whipped cream
all over the place.

This gets better every time.

Nicole, it is way cool to
have such romantic dads.

I can't imagine my Dad
ever being romantic.

I don't even know
how I got born.

So what happened next?

Well, it was hard to make out
exactly what they were doing

because of the strobe light
and the smoke machine.

Joey!

So, Mr. Harris,
did you get this woman

through a service, or what?

She's a perfectly nice woman.

I heard there
was a trampoline.

No, no, no...
all blown out of proportion.

Okay? I mean, I shouldn't
about this anyway.

So, what's it like,
dating twins?

She wasn't twins.
She's one woman.

I date one woman at a time
and so should you.

Is somebody writing this down?

One woman at a time...

I don't wanna know.

Dating lessons
from the "master."

I heard there
was a trampoline.

All right, look,

I don't want you guys to get

the wrong idea
about this stuff, okay?

You're young, you got
a lot to learn yet.

So, we'll meet here
once a week?

Hey, I'm trying to
Shh! He's gonna talk.

Look, I got a lot more
experience than you, okay?

So I'm not gonna teach you
how to get experience.

But you wanna
understand girls?

I'll teach you. I'm gonna
teach you the real stuff.

Because you're right.
What better institute

of learning is there than
good old U of Joe?

All right, first thing
you gotta know

is that women, are people.

ALL: People...

They're just not exactly the
same kind of people we are.

So, if you want girls
to understand you

you want them to like you,

then you gotta know
what they're thinking.

Oh, Professor,
this girl has a thought.

Can you tell me what it is?

Ow.

Hold that thought.

Joe!

Upstairs in our apartment,
at this very moment,

four girls are
worshipping your bed.

ALL: Wow...

I'm not teaching the boys
anything advanced.

I'm just giving them
a couple pointers.

Let 'em learn it
on the street!

What are you screwing 'em up?

You're just jealous
of my reputation.

Get therapy!

I'm talking about
Nicole's reputation.

Well, all these kids
they think that, well,

since Nicole's father
has this active love life,

hey, maybe she does too,
and it's certainly worth

their phone call to find out!

(PHONE RINGING)
That's another boy.

I'll bet you a buck
it's another boy.

Hello, another boy.

No, no, Nicole cannot come
to the phone right now

because I won't let her...

No, that's the other father.

It's not gonna do you any good

to call back either,
'cause you know what?

I answer every call.

You want to leave
a message? Go...

Yes, I'll be sure to
tell her that you think

women are people.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

They're quoting you now,
oh God of love!

Hey! What can I say?

Come on, they're,
they're a bunch of kids.

No, they used to be kids.
Now they're the Joettes!

I'm just giving them
some of the benefits

of my dating experience.
What's the matter with that?

I'm not teaching them any
of the advanced stuff.

This is just like the
introduction lesson, okay?

"Joey ."

Really?

Well, let me give you a
little of "Michael ."

Okay?

The name of this course is

"Don't Come 'Round
Here, Sonny Boy."

See, that's what
you tell little guys

who wanna date your daughter.

"Don't Come 'Round
Here, Sonny Boy."

You have to say that.
You're a father.

That's your job. Okay?

So when little Goofus
and, and Gomer

come a knockin' at the screen
door, see, and they go,

"Say, we seen your daughter
and she's mighty purty."

See, what you do not say is

"Oh, well, come on in fellas,
and help y'self."

See, you don't say that.

But what you do say is,

"Don't come 'round
here, Sonny Boy."

You see that?
Michael.

"Don't come 'round
here, Sonny Boy."

Michael. No matter what I say.
here, Sonny Boy."

She's gonna do whatever
she wants, okay?

Nothing I say is going to
change Nicole or her friends.

Well, then I beg to differ
that much, okay?

'Cause the girls are having
a "your bed" coffee club

and you've turned all the
boys into Joey-wanna-bes!

(BELL RINGING)
(BLOWS RASBERRY)

I tell you, you got
some imagination.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Hey. Hey!

No problem.

Hey, Cory,
I'm ready for our date.

Problem.

You!
looking at me for?

I'm looking at you, because
I'm looking at her and

I'm looking at him and I
don't like the looks of this!

And you,
stop looking altogether!

In fact, don't,
don't be here now!

We have a date.

For which I studied all day.

Hey, Cor, maybe
you should go now.

But, wait.

Oh! I see!

I'm playing hard to get!

You're amazing!

Hey, Nicole! Babe,

later...maybe.

And you! La Toya!

Get down here!

What is the problem?

Since when do you ever leave

the house dressed
like a fruit-roll-up?

I have an image!

I can't go out dressed
in a burlap sack.

I'm Joey Harris' daughter!

I think you stink.

Okay?

Nick, go on, get changed.

Okay. I have this same thing
in leopard skin.

Oh yeah? Sweetheart,
do you have the same thing

in a two-ply Hefty bag
with a zip-lock-top?

I don't get it.
My friends are waiting.

I don't want you
to see your friends.

Why not?

Because Joey ruined 'em!

You want me to
just stay in my room?

Yeah. And I want your friends
to stay in their room too.

Dad...

Tell them Joey said to.

Okay. Then they'll do it.

All right, before you
say something, Michael,

I've got one thing to
say to you, okay?

And I don't want to
of you until I'm done.

I'm, I'm, peepless.

I was wrong about
the whole thing.

That's it. No!
Nobody's happy with that!

Okay, I'll fix the
whole thing, okay?

I'll talk to everybody,
I'll put everybody back

the way they were
and I'll talk to her.

Oh, yeah, and are you gonna
talk to all her friends?

You're gonna talk to everybody
that her friends spoke to?

You're a legend, Joe!

You can't k*ll
a legend with just words.

So, then, how?

I don't know. You tell me.
You're the love God, huh?

How do you k*ll a love God?

What a stake
through the heart?

Kryptonite? What?

You know the whole stupid
thing started because

I got caught in this loft
with a woman.

And now the guys
all wanna be like me.

Yeah, so what do
you have to do, now?

I guess I gotta make them
not want to be like me.

Yeah, and how do you do that?

I guess I gotta
humiliate myself.

How do you do that?

I guess I gotta
fail with a woman.

How do you do that?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

No way it's gonna
happen, Michael.

No way is Joey
gonna take a dive

in front of all those
adoring kids.

But look, if those kids
are to grow up right,

Joey has to be sh*t down
by a woman, in public,

in the most humiliating
way possible.

Boy! That's entertainment!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He can't choke on purpose.

It's not in him.

You'll see, at the last second

he'll look at this ringer
you set him up with

and his instinct'll kick in.

Yeah, he'll flash
those baby blues

and she'll melt like
cheese on a grill.

Nicole, what kind
of stuff do you learn

living in the same apartment
with Joey Harris?

You learn to knock
before you enter.

Nicole seems to be
enjoying a new popularity.

Squash it like a bug.

That's the whole idea, Judge.

Good boy.

Is this your ringer?

Yep.

Melinda Weller.
I know her for years.

She's an IRS agent.

She rips people's lives
apart for a living.

This is nothing for her.

Melinda.
You you look wonderful.

In fact, let's forget
this daughter lesson

you and I go
to either your place,

a cheap motel or underwater?

Not a chance, Michael.

Good. You didn't go
for it. Don't lose that.

You can take this guy.

Michael, I think it's
wonderful that you're teaching

your daughter proper
social behavior.

Really? You think
it's really wonderful?

And your heart
goes out to me?

And you want to
get close to me?

Let me just get
into character.

"No!" How am I doing?

That's perfect. That just

don't use it all up
on me, champ. All right?

Here's our lucky loser, now.

Melinda, "Smokin' Joe" Harris.

Hey. How ya doin'?
Nice to meet ya.

Thanks for doing this.
Oh, my pleasure.

I'll be gentle.

Hey, this ain't gonna work.

You picked the wrong woman.

What are you talking
about? She's perfect.

Hey, we just looked at each
other, there was chemistry.

Hey, I'm telling you,
her beaker's bubbling.

So, what, what, you think
she's falling for you?

What, you didn't see it?

No. Perhaps I blinked.

Michael, look,
I'm gonna do my part,

just like I said I was
gonna do, okay?

But I tell you right now,

I am not responsible
for her behavior.

I am gonna love this.

How ya doin'?

Guys. It's Joey.
With a woman!

We get to see the
master in action.

Shhh!

Fine. How are you?

Better, now that
you're here.

Wait!
What?

What is that I see
in your eyes?

Am I wrong, or
do I see little flecks

of gold glittering in
the deepest of blue?

Like stars flickering on
a hot summer night.

He's the best!

He's getting to her.

He's getting to me.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, uh, usually, uh,
when I first meet somebody

I like to take things kind
of slow, you know

but there's something
else going on here

between you and me.
Am I right, huh?

Why resist it?

What do you say we
get out of here, huh?

We go someplace where
we can be two people

just lost in each other.

Get the trampoline!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Before we go get
lost in each other,

may I ask you a question?

Anything.

Do you really believe
that a woman with a brain

could actually get turned on
by what you just said?

I think that you're the lowest
species of inarticulate grunt

that I've ever had
to share air with!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I'll tell you something
else, you rutting little pig.

Women of substance are not
dazzle by cheap pick-up lines.

Did you hear what I said?
Uh-huh.

We want a relationship based
on respect and true affection,

or we want nothing at all!

Say it ain't so, Joe.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And let me tell you
something else.

Rather than go out with an
overgrown adolescent like you.

I would choose a responsible,

sensible, compassionate
man like...

Like him.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You realize this
means nothing.

I'm completely unaffected.

And so the God of love...

Is reduced...

To schmutz.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Hey, Joe, would you come out
of the sweater, huh?

Not until the kids
grow up and realize

what a good thing
I did for them.

I'm a laughing stock.

Hey, I'm not laughing.
The Judge isn't laughing.

Klawicki's not laughing!
Nobody's laughing!

Hey, the kids are laughing.

Nobody with a job is laughing.

Those kids would not have
grown up depraved just because

I got caught in this apartment
with a woman, all right?

I mean, this is all your
stupid idea to make me

look bad and you look good.

C'mon that's crazy.

Well, I guess the
phone won't be ringing

for me anytime soon.

I quess boys won't be
hanging around me

in the cafeteria anytime soon.

I guess I won't be showing my
face in public anytime soon.

For I am the daughter
of schmutz.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Sweetheart, sit down
for a second.

I want to tell you something
about this guy, here.

This guy. What you
see before you

is a man who was sh*t down
by a woman in the

full glare of the public eye.

A dating Hindenburg,
exploding in flames.

A lovesick Titanic just...
Hey!

I'm building to
something here.

Well, hurry!
What I see,

I see a man who loves
his daughter so much that

he was willing to sacrifice
his image as a hero to her

and to her friends
to prove a point.

What was the point?

It was it was a set up.
Joey planned the whole thing.

You embarrassed yourself

in front of my friends
on purpose? Why?

Because I didn't like
what was going on

with your friends, Nick.

I mean, you got the boys
calling you 'cause of your

reputation based
on my reputation

as a big deal
ladies' man, huh?

That's a bad example.

So I, uh, I got Melinda to
k*ll my reputation, and, uh,

knowing that'll k*ll
your reputation.

So, you disgraced yourself in
front of my friends for me?

I'm your father, I love you.
Do you understand that?

Yeah.

You'd do the same thing
for me, wouldn't you?

Okay.

(BELL RINGING)

Well, I think we did
a doggone good job,

and that's it, you know.
That's the end of it.

No more sexy reputations,
no more love God,

no more problems.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Although, every boy
does need a role model.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)