02x12 - The Courtship of Nicole's Fathers

[bunniefuu]

You guys have dates tonight?

No... Not really.
Nope.

Not in the mood.
Had one last month.

Tell you something, the whole
dating thing? Overrated.

Yeah. Any two people
can be together,

but it takes one guy
to be alone.

Isn't that the truth, huh?

Oh, no.
What's the matter?

They're in a dating slump.

We're dead. Watch.

Well, see you later, Dads.

We're going skating now.

Hold on.
Hey, not so fast.

Dead.
gonna be back?

Well, the rink is
open till : .

Curfew's : .

But Dads,
all the other kids...

Hey, we don't care what
all the other kids do.

We only care what you do.

We're not their fathers.
We're your fathers.

Besides, what difference
anybody else does anyway?

Yeah, you gotta be
your own person, Nick.

Think about it.
If one of your friends

decided to climb up the Empire
State Building, all right?

And decided to
jump off, would you?

All right, then.

What time are you
gonna be back?

: .
Be careful skating.

Take a jacket.
And don't get overheated.

And honey...
Yes, Dad?

Have a good time.

Gee, thanks.

We're way too permissive.

Hey, shouldn't she
have a helmet?

Geez, Nicole, your dads
are like, premenstrual.

Yeah. They don't
get dating soon,

there's no way I'm gonna get
that I can't pronounce.

How you gonna get in?
That's an R-rated movie.

Please. It's a sophisticated
film with mature themes.

I've got sophistication,
I've got maturity.

I've got a friend working
the box office.

Now my only obstacle
who are on me like Velcro.

So, why don't you just
find 'em each a woman?

Each a woman is too normal.

Normal means they
still noodge me.

I've gotta mess
with their minds.

How do you do that?

Well, historically,
over one woman,

they tend to forget my name.

If they get to fighting
over a woman,

we can get a couple friends
together and go to Miami.

Hi!
Hi.

Going down?
Oh no, sorry, I'm going up.

I just rented the loft
on the third floor

and I'm just trying to
haul all my stuff up.

Why isn't your
husband hauling?

No husband.

Why isn't your
No boyfriend.

Just poor, lonesome me.

Yeah, we're going up.

We'll give you a hand.

Great. Thanks.

So... You're single.

Yep. Completely.

Why?
live in the building?

Hmm... Let me think.

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see
a part of me in you

? A little something special
that comes shining through

? I hear it in your laughter

? And I feel it
when you cry

? I will be
right there for you

? Until the day I die

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

Hi, is Deborah there, please?

Hi, Deb, Michael Taylor.

Yeah, it has been a long time.

Yeah, listen,
I was wondering if,

if you were free maybe we
could get together and...

You got married?

Really?

Isn't that nice.

Congratulations.

Oh, how about next weekend?

I was thinking dinner and
a movie or something...

Bring him!

Hey, beautiful!

Yo, lambchop! Up here!

Hey, not you, the woman.

You believe in
love at first sight?

Hey, what's that supposed
to be? Your IQ?

These chicks got no class.

Joe, I'm striking out
very bad here.

You want the window?

Nah. We gotta find
something else to do.

Hey, Dads, I've got
a tiny problem.

Hey, maybe not so tiny, huh?

Maybe we should talk,
that's what we're here for.

That's right.
Twenty-four hours a day.

Friday night,
New Year's Eve.

Well, you see, I met
this really neat lady

who I thought would
either one of you guys.

My only problem is,

I can't decide which one
of you she's right for.

So I invited her to
decide for yourselves.

Oh, uh...

Sort of like
a blind date, huh?

Yeah.

Isn't that sweet?

Hey, look, excuse us
for one second, okay?

Oh, I hope I did
the right thing.

Isn't that sweet?

So you think it's
gonna work?

Of course. It's a
two-step process.

"Isn't that sweet" means,
"Uh-oh, blind date,

"Nicole set us up with
a real barking pumpkin."

Hey, you know, this woman
has got to be a farm animal.

But one of us is gonna have
to make the supreme sacrifice.

'Cause we don't want
right?

Nicole, sweetie...
She has a great personality!

She's a wildebeest.

Tell you what, tell you what.
we'll flip a coin.

All right, all right,
loser takes this uh,

wonderful person out
to dinner, all right?

Fair enough.
(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it!

Call it in the air.
Heads.

Hi, Nicole. Hi, Shelby.

Hi, Liz! Dads,

this is Liz Schaefer.

Hi.
telling you about.

Who won?

It's a tie.

Hey, when I was ,
on my English teacher,

but she flunked me
this language."

Nicole said you all had
a great sense of humor.

Well, Michael here's
the sense of humor.

Yeah?
All right, I guess...

It's sort of his way of
getting attention, you know.

(LAUGHING)

That's very funny.
k*ll you in your sleep.

Okay, I've got to get going,
unpacking to do.

Hey, listen, you
need any help,

you let us know, all right?
bang on the pipes.

I'll see you guys later.

So long, neighbor.

Oh, bye, Nicole.
Bye, Shelby.

BOTH: Bye, Liz!

Bye.
Bye.

Got 'em. It's movie
night for me.

So, Dads,

do you think either one of
you might wanna date Liz?

No, not me.

I don't. Joey might.
I'm not gonna.

Nope. Not me either.
Nice girl, but no way.

What?

Why not?

'Cause, Nicole, you didn't
tell us that she's a neighbor.

It's not a smart idea
to date neighbors.

Yeah, absolutely.
together already.

And then you break up
with her, she's still there,

which defeats the
whole purpose, really.

So, what are you
doing tonight?

What time you gonna be back?

I don't understand it!
up perfectly.

This always works
on I Love Lucy!

"It's never a smart idea
to date a neighbor"?

They have rules now?

Why is it bad that she lives
in the same building?

Oh, hell. Customers.

Judge, why are you
dressed like that?

I'm holding down the
not feeling well.

So, what'll it be?

And may I particularly
recommend the hamburgers.

I'd like the zesty barbequed
chicken sandwich.

May I particularly recommend
the hamburgers?

How about spaghetti?

BOTH: "Hamburgers."

Comin' right up!

So, Nicole, what are
another girl for your dads?

Uh-uh. I found
the right girl.

Didn't you see my dads
when Liz walked in?

All I have to do is just get
'em back together again.

But if they won't date
you gonna do?

How are you gonna
get to see the movie?

It'll come to me.

Oh, hi girls.

Um, Judge, there's something's
in my loft.

I don't have any water,
I can't use my sink...

What am I, the landlord?

Oh yeah.

Tell you what I'll do,
I'll get you a plumber.

Probably take a couple days.

How am I supposed
for a couple of days?

How am I gonna take a shower?

How am I gonna fill
up my waterbed?

It just came to me.

Listen, before I even
walk through this door,

I want to make sure that this
is okay with you guys.

Sure. It's fine.

Absolutely.
Great.

What?

Well, if I stay here tonight.

Oh, great. Thanks.

Why?

Nicole, you didn't
ask your dads?

I'm really embarrassed.

Um, see my water's
out in my apartment,

and, uh, I told Nicole
I would be fine,

but she was real nice and
insisted that I stay here.

But I don't want
to be a bother.

No, no, don't be silly.

Yeah, hey, we got
all this extra water.

Really? It's okay if I
just stay on the couch?

Well, the couch might
be a little awkward

'cause, you know, Joey
sleeps right over there.

No, I don't mind.

You take my room.

Oh yeah?
Where you gonna sleep?

What do you mean?

I'll take the couch,
I'll just stay here.

Are you sure this
is no imposition?

Hey, come on, what are
neighbors for? Really.

Thank you.
Hey, come on.

Let me take your bag.
that's okay.

Oh dang.

There goes another pair
of my pantyhose.

Dang!

Goodnight, Dads.
I'll be back when I want to.

Dang.

So you and this Jeffrey were
an item for a long time, huh?

Mmm, yeah, we were together
for about three years.

And then he wanted us
to be near his parents.

What about your career?

Well, Jeffrey's very
old-fashioned.

And he felt that I
should just quit.

I guess if I really
would've gone with him.

Boy, that's tough.

What'd you tell him?

Well, you know,
considered going with him

because I really did
love him.

But then I thought,
you know, "Wait a minute.

"What about my life?"

I mean, just because
you love someone

you can't be expected to
just give up your own life!

Excuse me, I know I'm throwing
out my garbage on you guys.

It's not garbage.
It's important stuff.

Hey, lean on us, babe.

No, it's just that...

I know this sounds
around you guys.

(TEARFULLY) You know, like
Hey...

Not just another
jerks on the make.

I hate guys like that.

Excuse me, I'm gonna
go get myself together.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Wow. Don't you just want to
scoop her up in your arms?

I mean,
she's so vulnerable.

She's in so much pain.

Your heart just has
to go out to her.

She's hot for me.

Back off, all right?

I happen to care
about this woman.

Hey, I happen to care about
this woman long term.

Long term for you?
include a beverage?

And what happened to our rule?
We don't date neighbors.

The hell with it!
I love her!

Well, I want to marry her!
the rest of my children.

Hey, look, Mike. Hey, hey,
forget the whole thing, okay?

'Cause this is a waste
of everybody's time

'cause if you look at this
maturely and sensibly,

I could b*at you up.

Fine. All right. Is that the
way you want this to be?

Okay, come on.

Get outta here!
For Liz!

All right. For Liz.
Come on.

Go.

You know what, fellas?
I'm not gonna sit around here

and mope about my problems.

Let's the three of us go
out and have some fun.

Love to.
Great idea.

Boy, how long can
two people kiss?

Well, they must have
supply somewhere,

I'll tell you.

Hey Joe, speaking of
why don't you blow?

You know what I'd just love?

One of them jumbo hot dogs

they got cooking under that
watt bulb out there.

Hey Mikey, why don't
one of those for Liz, huh?

Hey, and while you're
stay out there?

What passion.

This is what I love about
movies like this.

Gets you fantasizing
about love.

Michael, you're quite right.

Liz was meant for you.
in your way.

I'll be joining the French
Foreign Legion,

leaving you and Liz
to your happiness,

while I contract malaria,
and die.

Well, that's awfully
sporting of you, old man.

Oh pish.

Oh, Joey...
I ache for you.

Hey, hey, just a second.

Joe?

(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

Joe!

Joe?
(SCREAMS)

I can't believe we
got into an R-rated film.

Well, some of us
look mature.

And some of us look
like a bucket of phlegm.

Ooh, very adult,
boogerhead.

That's Mr. Boogerhead
to you.

That's it! That's the last
time I go anywhere

with you two babies
at the same time.

Hey, wait a minute!

This isn't Bambi!

Now, what crime have
I committed, exactly?

Okay, I told you
to study and I didn't.

But let's not think of this
as an act of disobedience.

Let's call it cutting
the apron strings,

spreading my wings
as I enter adulthood.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Don't k*ll me, I'm just a kid!

Oh, hi Judge.

What's the matter, sweetie?

I went to an R-rated
movie and my dads

caught me there with
Cory and Zach.

Oh. Where are your dads now?

They said they were gonna
go and fix Liz' plumbing

and then they were gonna
come back and fix me.

I'm going crazy waiting.

Oh. They'll be back
very soon.

Joey comes from
a family of plumbers.

"My father's a plumber.
I can fix it!

"My father's a plumber!
I can fix it!"

Hey, the pipes
were rusty, okay?

That's why they blew up
all over us.

Come on, I'm trying to be
a good neighbor.

No you're not.
heart by fixing her toilet.

So don't give me the good
neighbor bit, all right?

Do I look like an idiot?

Your pants are in the dryer.
They'll be out in a minute.

Hey, Liz, I'm really sorry
Oh, stop!

You were very sweet to try.

My hero.

And it works!

You guys take a break.
I'll clean up all this later.

Can I get you anything?

Yeah. Some dignity
would be nice.

Oh, come on!

You shouldn't be embarrassed
knees are showing.

We're all friends here.

There's no reason for
you to feel uncomfortable.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Liz? It's Jeffrey!

Oh, my God!

Jeffrey?
What, your ex-boyfriend?

Yes, my very large
hot-tempered ex-boyfriend.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)
Just a minute, I'm coming!

Listen, Jeffrey's not at
all gonna understand

what's going on here,
could you two mind terribly...

Closet?
thank you so much.

Are you kidding me?
Come on!

What? This actually
happens to real people?

(POUNDING)

Liz! Open up!

Fine, fine!

I'm hiding in a woman's closet

in my underwear and her psycho
Jeffrey boyfriend's outside

and there's no air in here,
there's no light,

the walls are closing in
and I'm gonna die.

First time, huh?

What? You've done
this before?

The bests are the
walk-in closets.

There's a lot of room
to stretch out in case

the boyfriend decides
to stay the weekend.

Yeah, the worst,
one of those spaces

where you fold up
your ironing board.

That's real tight.

But it could be done,
don't get me wrong.

It's a lot better than
hanging out the window.

I've been there.

What is this,
"Ask Mr. Closet?"

Maybe I didn't wanna
hide in the closet.

Did you ever think of that?
Maybe if I had a choice,

I wanted to hide
under the bed.

Think, Michael. Think.

You could get
really hurt there.

Besides, look, look,
in here we get to learn

all about Liz right here.
Right?

Hey, look at this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, look.

Liz is a jogger.

These are her little
running shoes.

These must be her
boyfriend's, huh?

Look at the size
of these shoes!

This guy must be
like feet tall.

(SCREAMS)

What the hell is that?

Liz' boyfriend's a Winnebago!

Oh, we're gonna die.

We're gonna die,
we're gonna die.

Wait!
we're gonna die.

He's leaving,
he's leaving.

We're gonna live,
we're gonna live.

LIZ: Goodnight, Jeffrey.
It was good to see you.

JEFFREY: Good to see
you too, sugar...

Oh, sh**t, almost forgot,

while I'm here I wanna
pick up my boots.

Hey, man, let me tell you,

that was pretty quick
closet guy.

I had big Jeff eating out
when I stopped crying.

I can't believe he bought
that line of yours about

us being professional
closet designers

and we're measuring for...
What'd you call it?

Oh, the adjustable
containment units.

How could he
believe that, huh?

Because he's dumber than soup.

Okay. I know.

I went to an R-rated movie.

I didn't ask your permission,

I didn't tell you where
I was going, I just went.

And I've been standing
two and a half hours

knowing I was wrong and
punish me when you got back.

And you're right
you punish me is fair.

Go ahead.

Well.

Sounds like you did
what you did wrong.

And we'll take that into
what the punishment is.

You will?

Well, then you should
also consider that I know

I was wrong to
introduce you to Liz

just so you'd get
off my back because

it's no good to use and
manipulate everybody.

Whoa...

Okay, well, we'll take that
into consideration, too.

I'm an idiot.

What a scam.

Makes me kinda proud.

You know, there's one more
thing to consider, Joe.

Oh yeah? What's that?

Well, when big Jeff
off into the sunset,

Liz is my woman and
you are outta here.

Oh, yeah? Hey!

Hey! What if I happen to
care for this woman, huh?

Well, what if I happen to
really love this woman?

All right.

For Liz!
For Liz!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Liz!

Now?

Okay, uh, yeah, okay.

What was that?
What was that?

That was Liz. She's coming
down here right now.

She is?
Yep.

You know why?

Because she's
coming down for me.

She's coming down for me
because she is my woman

and you are outta here,
my little friend.

I'm outta here.
You are!

Liz, I know it's sudden,
I know it's crazy,

but I feel it.
I love you, Liz!

Hi Jeffrey.

(MUSIC PLAYING)