02x13 - Crushed

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Two Dads". Aired: September 20, 1987 – April 30, 1990.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Joey and Michael, who fought over the same woman 13 years ago now have, upon her death, been awarded joint custody of her daughter - who might be either of theirs.
Post Reply

02x13 - Crushed

Post by bunniefuu »

(LAUGHS) What a game!

What a game!

Bottom of the th!

Two outs!
Two on!

Joey Harris thinks
that he has the game,

and this $ bet
in the bag.

Oh, he's confident.
He's cocky!

He's already spent the money.
But wait a second!

What's this? Darryl Strawberry
steps to the plate!

Boom! It's goin'!

It's goin'!
It's, it's a moon launch!

It's unbelievable!
the Mets have won!

The Mets have won!
Joey has lost!

Joey has lost!

Joey has lost!

This isn't
is this, Joe?

Of course not, no.

But there's just one thing
I've been meaning to tell you.

Shut up!

Hey, Shelby,
to my room

and pretend to talk
about homework.

I had a real good time
at the game, Mr. Taylor.

Thanks for the cap.
Hey, well, listen,

we Mets fans
together, right?

I am very happy
about this day.

I don't want to hear anymore
about this day, okay?

I don't want to hear
anymore about the game,

and I don't want to hear
anymore outta you!

Wanna hear about,
uh, the girl?

Yes.

While you Nicole
the concession stand,

this foul ball came rocketing
right towards me, okay?

So I was immediately
struck by two thoughts.

My first thought is,
of these crazy guys

that hangs over a wall
'cause, you know,

the ball boy's gonna reach it
before you every time, right?

So, I didn't move
bouncing towards me.

And then,
bouncing toward me

and I was struck
by my second thought.

Ball boys don't bounce.

Gee, we think alike.
(CHUCKLES)

So, it was a Met game
and you met somebody.

Aren't words funny?

Yeah, and now you
got a date with a ball girl.

My imagination
just sings.

So, uh, take it from
you're the, uh,

crazy guy
the wall...

So I'm hanging over
one hand on the ball

and she's got one hand
on the ball and she says,

"Hey, it's my job,
I have to retrieve these."

And I said, "Well, I would
from doing your job,

"provided, of course,
with me tomorrow night."

So, what do you plan
on doing with her?

Well, I plan on testing
of the expression,

"Another lucky fan
gets a souvenir!"

So, I'm sitting
in study hall,

and Cory whispers
something to me,

and it's really cute
and really funny.

I had the best time
with your father today.

But then Zach whispers
something to me,

and it's just as cute
and just as funny.

At first I thought it was just
for the same team.

So, I don't know
to choose between them

or if I should just
call up Donny Osmond

and ask him to explain
thing to me.

But now I realize
because I love him.

Yeah, aren't
my fathers great?

What do you mean
you love my father?

Oh, I don't mean
like you love your father.

You're his daughter.

You love him.
his daughter.

I'm in love with him.

You're in love
with my father?

Yeah!
happy for me?

(CHUCKLES) No.

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see
a part of me in you

? A little something special
that comes shining through

? I hear it in your laughter

? And I feel it
when you cry

? I will be
right there for you

? Until the day I die

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

What do you mean
you love Michael?

Michael's my father!

What do you mean
you love my father?

What do you mean "love"?

What do you mean? What?

(CHUCKLES)
Just what I said.

I had a wonderful time
at the baseball game.

I had a wonderful time
at the baseball game, too,

but that doesn't mean
I have to have a relationship

with today's
of , !

It was him.

Nicole, I had
because of him.

We all had
a good time.

It was a good time
family outing,

and I brought you
along as my friend.

Inconsiderate
as this may seem,

I wasn't trying
to set you up!

I knew you'd
take it like this.

How do you
to take it?

My other friends want
to borrow my clothes,

you want to be my mother!

Okay, boys, this next series
with Nicole's behavior.

Judge, we've been answering
every three months

since we got Nicole.
to keep doing these?

Because if I fill out
a free flight to Aruba.

Oh wait,
it's the law.

Come on, we've had her
for like a year now.

I mean, don't you think
trust here, huh?

First question...

Judge!

I'll tell you what.
goes smoothly,

I'll see to it
How's that?

That's fine,
go smoothly?

There you are
miss hussy tramp!

I was hoping you could
be mature about this.

Well, you hoped
wrong, blondie.

Excuse me.

Listen, we're doing something
very important over here,

so would you do me
a favor, please?

Keep this
down to a roar.

Thank you.

Roar.

"Would you describe
Nicole's behavior

"toward her friends
Or suspicious and hostile"?

Hello, Mr. Taylor.

What do you
mean by that?

Girls, gimme a clue.
What's going on with you two?

Nothing really,
Mr. Taylor.

Nicole is just
very young, you know.

I'm young?

I'm young? Is that why
at me the other day?

Nothing.

Judge, maybe we should
of question, huh?

Yeah, like something about us.

Do you have any questions
in there about us?

"If single father
check dating life."

So, are you dating?
Mmm-hmm.

As a matter of fact,
a very lovely woman

that I just met.

What kind of woman?

Very lovely woman.

Is she employed?
Yeah.

Does she have a title?

Yeah. Yes, she does.
What's her title?

Very Lovely Woman.

Where'd you meet her?

Hanging off
at Shea Stadium.

Nothing.

Are you dating?
Uh-huh.

As classy as what
he's dating?

(CHUCKLES)

You don't wanna know.

Masseuse.

So, is this the last
to answer questions?

Maybe one more time?

Forever, huh?

Okay! I need to talk
to a father about something.

Which one?
Beard!

Wait.

What?

Hi.

Buy you a milkshake?

What?

Shelby's got a crush?

She thinks she's in love.

With my father.

(CHUCKLES)
She told you that?

Yeah. And I didn't know
tell you, or what.

Well, yeah, of course
you should tell me, Nick.

I mean, uh, young ladies
your age, you know,

you're going through
a lot of changes.

It's perfectly natural.

But my father?

When she told me,
I thought, that's sick!

Hey, come on,
over the hill.

I like to think
of fun to be around, huh?

Shelby comes over
she's in love with me.

I tell you,
about it, okay?

I'll talk to her.

Dad, it's not you.

Huh?

She thinks
with Michael.

That's sick.

That's...

So Shelby,
between you and Nicole?

What is that?

Nothing really.
are best friends.

Very fond
of each other.

We might as well
be related.

Uh-huh.

Now, you have to promise me
the check when it comes, okay?

This is on me.

Okay, Mr. Taylor?

Michael... Mr. Taylor?

It's a deal.

And to what do I owe
such generosity, Shelby?

Miss Haskell.

Shelby.

Well, I had such a great time
to pay you back.

Well, you are a very
considerate young lady.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

I'm not so young.

I'm .

Oh. Well, try not
at the table, huh?

What?
Nothing.

Do I have
something on me?

Did you have a good time
at the baseball game, too?

Yes, I did.
As a matter of fact,

I had a terrific time
young lady.

What?
Yep.

Not at all the type of girl
end up asking out.

You're going to ask
with at the game?

Mmm-hmm.

Was she blonde
a Mets cap?

That's the one.

We're going out tonight.

Okay.

Where do you want to go?

I don't know.
I can't really decide.

It's a toss-up
or dress-up.

Dress-up.
Yeah?

Yeah.
Yeah.

What time will
the date be?

I don't know.
in the loft around : .

Some nice music.

I like Whitesnake.
young for me.

Steve and Eydie.

Maybe something
in the middle, huh?

That would be fine.

Look at 'em.

They're sitting together.
My best friend and my father.

Are you gonna break this up,
or do I puke on your shoes?

You didn't tell Michael
about him, right?

Me? No.
I don't do icky.

If Michael knows,
to let her down,

she's gonna feel terrible,
she's gonna be heartbroken.

There may be
a way to avoid that.

How?

I'll talk to her.

But first,
get rid of Michael.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Guess what? Shelby bought me
for the ball game.

Isn't she sweet?

Puke.

Hey, Michael,
I happened to notice?

I happen to notice
that Star Trek is on.

The one about
cloaking device...

My third favorite.

Shelby... (CHUCKLES)
Let's talk.

Nicole told you.

Yeah.

Look, I, I can't
speak for Michael,

but, uh, but Michael
and I, we're a lot alike.

No, you're not.

Well, we're somewhat alike.

No, you're not.

We both have heads.
Give him that.

Go on.

All right. Well, I happen
Michael's taste, you know?

What I'm trying
years ago,

I mean, Michael would've
with a girl like you.

I mean, he would've showed up
at your school,

you know,
in front of your locker.

He'd of stood there
school started

just to say hello to you.

You're trying to say
old for me,

that he could never have
any feelings for me.

No, no, no. I happen
a lot as Nicole's friend.

Because that's the way
he looks at you.

I mean, realistically.

And that's the way
you should look at him.

I mean, this is
You understand?

This is your friend's father.

Yes, I understand that.

Do you understand
what I'm feeling?

Yeah, yeah,
what you're feeling.

What I don't
why Michael?

Dad!
I'm just asking.

I'm just asking.

I mean, why not, uh,
of a guy with a head, me?

You and me?
That's no match.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Of course not.

Why not?

Because you and me
on the surface, you know.

Uh-huh.

We're surfacey.

Surfacey. Yeah.

Fine, that's a good word.

That word doesn't exist.

Well, you know
what she's talking about.

Surfacey, surfatude,
surfiosity, surf's up.

What the hell are you
getting at, Shelby?

You and me
are like Formica.

We're lovely to look at
what do you call that?

Plywood?

You're not taking
are you?

Oh no,
I don't think so.

That's why
we find intelligent mates.

Well, of course it is.
I'm late for brushing my hair.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Dad...

Don't touch me, hey,
you'll get a splinter.

You still mad at me?

Well, you think
with one of my fathers,

and you just called
an artificial laminate!

I called him good-looking,
what's the matter with you?

(SIGHS) Look, Shelby,
this like an adult,

I've tried to be
mature about it,

but this is what
it all boils down to.

You stop being in love
with my daddy

or I'll never play
with you ever again!

You're too late.

Meet the Mets,
hey, meet the Mets.

Come on down
and greet the Mets.

So, Joe.
Met's ball girl is

gonna be here
so, what do you think?

Should I start off the evening
with the national anthem or...

Nah, I don't
want her on her feet.

And tonight,
you'll be doing what?

I'll be staying
in this evening.

Saturday night?
I'm reading.

You're reading?
Mmm-hmm.

I'm fine. I'm fine.
I don't have a temperature.

No, I'm not looking
I'm looking for your mind.

My mind is fine, okay?

It's better than fine.

I happen to be reading
Coriolanus.

A play.

By Shakespeare.

A lesser play.

No one ever reads it.

But I am gonna read it
this chair till I'm through.

How far have you gotten?

"Coriolanus.

"A play.
By Shakespeare."

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hey Nick,
with Joey, here?

Shelby called him "Formica."

And he's insulted?
That's my favorite veneer.

Hey, hey, hey,
speaking of Shelby,

uh, there's something
I gotta tell you.

You know, I was
this official paperwork,

and I've decided
don't mean a thing

because I put
you guys together,

Nicole is staying here forever
is your overall stability.

Shakespeare!

Shakespeare!

Read Shakespeare?

Be Formica.
(WHOOSHES)

Hey, I'm Formica.

Pack.

And speaking of, uh,
overall stability...

(CLEARS THROAT)
about Shelby.

(DOORBELL RINGING)
That's for me.

Can you just
we'll talk about it later?

Wow!

Do you like my dress?

Yeah!

Good, because
it was this or college.

I, I, I think,
look spectacular.

Thank you.
Um, Michael.

Just a second, Joe.
two guys are going,

you are shamefully
underdressed, if I may say,

and, you know,
wherever she's going,

I don't know
you going there.

Michael, stop it.

Stop? Stop what?

Michael...
You can tell Nicole.

Tell what?
Michael...

She's old enough to know.

To know what?
Michael...

About us.

Never mind.
(CLEARS THROAT)

(STAMMERS)
What? What? What?

Michael, the baseball game?

Remember? Your big date
wearing the Mets cap?

Yeah.

Well, here I am.
Right on time.

Oh, gosh.

Hi, Michael.

Hi.
better right-side up.

(CHUCKLES)
Oh. Thanks.

Hi kid.
Wow, nice dress.

I...

Shelby!

Shelby!

Is this, by any chance,
to mention to me?

Yeah, but I was just trying
where nobody'd get hurt.

Oh, well, that sure
worked like a charm.

Have I come
at a bad time?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is a great time!

Look, we'll start
emotional distress,

and we'll end up
So, where's "bad"?

So, our date's a rainout?

Uh, could we get
a make-up game?

(CHUCKLES)
Call me.

Okay.

What? Why?
How did this happen?

I couldn't catch her.

How does your friend
develop a crush on me?

What? Why doesn't she
have a crush on you?

I don't know!

What'd you say
to her at the game?

I didn't...
say anything!

We were sitting next to each,
we rooted for the same team,

I bought her
I bought her a cap,

I behaved
a father.

How does she act
with her father?

She doesn't really
have a father.

What?

Well, her parents are divorced
and he never comes around,

so, she doesn't
really have a father.

(GO AWAY LITTLE GIRL
PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

(YOUNG GIRL PLAYING)

(PUPPY LOVE PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Buy you a milkshake?

Don't you have a date?

Yes, I have a date.

And here I am,
right on time.

I'm so embarrassed.

I ruined your entire night.

I feel like
I'm nine years old.

Shelby...

And if you're here
friends with Nicole anymore,

I completely understand.

Listen to me,
you listening?

I'm flattered.
feel the way you feel.

That, that you like me.

That's nice.

I like you, too.

You like me
like I'm .

That's right, I do.

Well, how do you like me?

What?
how do you see me?

I imagine you must see me
a little differently than,

you know,
in school?

Yeah. You're smarter
than they are.

Thanks.

You're more mature.
Thanks.

Well, let's, let's pick up
on that word "mature."

Now, when you say "mature,"
what do you mean?

I mean you're
not an idiot.

Yeah, thanks again.

Well, what do you...
When you say mature,

I think you're trying
to say something else.

Well...

Go ahead,
It's okay.

I can take it.

Shelby, I'm old
enough to take it.

Mr. Taylor, I know
to get me to say

that you're older
than I am,

but really you're not
that much older.

Really?
I'm .

You're .

So?
older than you.

So?

So, I'm older
older than you.

What does that mean?

It means that guys
the difference between us,

they are, they are
actually too old for you.

Mr. Taylor...
point, would ya?

'Cause I'm
depressing myself.

I know there's
difference now,

but when
I'll be .

What's the matter
with that?

No, that's no good.
much younger than you.

Shelby, let's face it.

I don't think that this
boyfriend/girlfriend thing

is gonna work out
in our lifetime.

Besides,
cared about me,

I don't think
as a boyfriend.

Why not?
thinking, you know.

How long did you go out
with your last boyfriend?

The kid with the...
Six weeks.

Yeah? And what about
the guy before that?

With all the...
Half a month.

Yeah, and before that
Four days.

Okay.
What's your point?

I'm just saying,
a lot longer than those guys.

And in all the times
that we've known each other,

I've seen boyfriends come
and go, but we're still here.

And we still
like each other.

So, why, you know,
what we have?

What do we have?

You're my daughter's
best friend.

That's, you know,

any best friend
of my daughter

is automatically kind
of a sorta daughter of mine.

You and Nicole,
grow up together,

and you're gonna
hang out together,

and you're gonna
do everything together.

And if ever,
in all that time,

you need
for anything,

you know that
I'm gonna be around.

(CRYING)

You know that.

I happen to have great deal
of experience, you know.

I've been doing
this almost a year.

Okay?

Okay.

Hey, Nick,
of friends,

they ever mention me?

So, Shelby, looks like
free for dinner?

Uh-huh.

Think we should invite
Joey and Nicole?

Yes, please.

You can come in, guys.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
Post Reply