02x16 - Getting Smart

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Two Dads". Aired: September 20, 1987 – April 30, 1990.*
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Joey and Michael, who fought over the same woman 13 years ago now have, upon her death, been awarded joint custody of her daughter - who might be either of theirs.
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02x16 - Getting Smart

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey, Dads.

Hey, Nick,
how you doing?

Hey, what'd you buy?

A book for school.
Beowulf.

And I got
press-on nails.

Well. There's the
world in a nutshell.

I tell you,
when I've been

so exhausted
from working.

Yeah, but it's a good
Yeah.

Hey, admit it.
You're proud.

I admit it, I'm proud.

You didn't think
But we did.

That's right.
On time.

And... And under budget.

Look at that,
The first issue.

Is that beautiful?
A thing of beauty.

We bring it to the
we're on the stands,

and that's it, pally,
nothing stops us now.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

We're dead.

What's the matter?
We're dead.

Don't answer that.
What?

Don't. No!
'Cause I... I just...

I got a premonition
a terrible chill.

That's Karen behind
that door. It is.

It's our lady
editor boss.

She's looked at all
our wonderful work

and now we've gotta
I'm telling you.

It's Karen.

Or maybe it's the
Angel of Death.

"Hrothgar spoke,
the Helmet of the Scyldings,

"Woe has returned with
the death of Ashhere,

"the elder brother
of Yrmenlaf."

A real page-turner
you got here, Nicole.

Beowulf happens
literature, Shelby.

It's for geeks.

It was written over
, years ago.

It was written
by ancient geeks.

Shelby, I'm staying
because I like it there.

The fact that you're
not there with me

is something that you're
to live with.

Yeah? Well, learn this,

boys don't like girls
they are.

You're being stupid.

And the boys like that.

Boys such as
Gary Hudson, quarterback

who calls me and asks
talk to me.

He's not sure about you.

You read Beowulf.

I don't want to go out
with Gary Quarterback.

I don't want to go out
with the kind of guys

who are put off
by smart women.

I'm gonna go out with
who's secure

with my academic stuff.

MICHAEL: Are you
Guys like him.

Michael, we have to
change the magazine.

I want to make people
Yes.

Financial Update
is just too high toned.

We're changing the name.

Okay. To what?
New Money.

It's a hotter title.

And I want hotter articles
about hot people.

How they make their money,
how they spend it.

I want it hot.
What hot?

Why don't we have
a centerfold, huh?

We could have...
different presidents

sprawled out naked
currency.

No, that's stupid.

But you're heading in
the right direction.

I'll see you both
early tomorrow morning.

JOEY: Face it, she's right.

Financial Update
is old and stodgy.

She wants to appeal to
a hip, new readership.

I guess.
That's brilliant.

That's a genius idea.

You just wish it was yours.

No. That's not... That's...
No, it's not that...

Come on, admit it,
will you? She's smart.

And that threatens you.

Excuse me, I'm not
she's smart...

I'm just... I just...
I can't stand her.

Told you.

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? I'm standing by your side

? I'll be right behind

? No one loves you
more than I do

? Put your hand in mine

? I can see
a part of me in you

? A little something special
that comes shining through

? I hear it in your laughter

? And I feel it
when you cry

? I will be
right there for you

? Until the day I die

? You can count on me

? No matter what you do

? You can count on me

? No matter where you go

? You can count on me ?

Hi, Dads.

Hey, sweetheart.
Is something bothering you?

Yes. (SIGHS)

What?

What's this?

It's a test for my
advanced English class.

And you're upset.
Did you get a "B"?

"F"?

Nick?

F. Failure. Flunko.

Honey, that's...
That's your best subject.

Yeah, they put you in
the advanced class.

I'm a total wreck.

I'm emotionally distraught.

How can someone who
fail English?

I'm real bummed out.

I'm sure there's
a make-up test.

No, there's only this.

And I need you to sign it.

Permission slip?

You want to drop back
into regular English?

Well, I figure I can do
better there rather than

staying in the advanced
my misery.

Hanging out in
my bumminess.

Honey, I... I...
Wait, wait, wait...

I can do this one.
This... This is a snap.

Okay, I mean, you had
and outvoted

so why don't you just
sit back, relax,

and let me handle
this, all right?

So, Nick,
this is one test,

and you know what
this shows me?

This shows me that
have to work harder

in a harder class,

so the answer's gonna
have to be no, and no.

Very well said,
very well said, Joe.

And I... I differ on
only one small point.

Honey,

you can do whatever
you want to do.

We're gonna let you do
whatever you want to do.

Look, you're smart enough
to get into that class,

you're smart enough to make
your own decision about it.

But, uh, do me
one favor, why don't you

just take a few minutes and
step into the staff room,

and think about
you want to do, all right?

Okay?

Hey, that's my daughter.

Hey, you live for
What?

You disagree with me
with me. Am I right?

You're wrong.

We're gonna do
something about that.

Look at this paper.
Tell me what you see.

I see a lot of red X's
didn't do too good.

Joe, it's a multiple
choice test.

A hundred questions, the girl
gets questions wrong.

Come on.
Nobody can do that.

I beg to differ.

Come on. She...
know the right answers

to go for the wrong
answers every time.

So what does
that tell you?

It tells me she should be
in the advanced class.

That's right, but there's
something in that class

that's making her
telling us what it is.

Well, then we gotta
No. Come on.

When your parents tried
them something

that you didn't want to
tell them, what'd you do?

Clammed up.
Yeah, me too.

So maybe this is the time
parents' mistakes.

So we shouldn't force her?
Right.

We should just let her
going through

and then she'll decide
by herself, right?

That's right.
doesn't decide that?

Then, uh, then we sic
our parents on her.

Michael, you'd
better sit down.

What, me? Just me?
Not him? You know what?

You know, I don't really
unless he has to sit, too.

Joey, sit.

See, that's better.

Joey, I want to change
your cover design.

Oh, really?

You are gonna change
He did all that work.

You are just gonna
change everything? Okay.

That about it?

I want you to remove
the cover price.

Oh, oh, that's too bad.
Oh, hold it.

You want to change
my price?

No, I didn't say "Change".

No, she said "Remove".

Well, all right, look...
I'm... I'm not an artist,

I don't have Joey's
artistic perspective,

but I gotta tell you
that to remove, um,

to remove the price
aesthetically stinks!

You can't... You can't...
You just, all right,

this is the problem...
Design wise... Design wise,

if you take away the price
then there's this huge

gaping area where there's
a severe lack of price.

It needs a price.

The first issue comes
in the mail free.

It gets us established.
People like us.

They subscribe.
It's done all the time.

Can... Can I just...
You'll make it work.

I'm going to let the rest
new plans.

Hey, Mikey.

You don't look
too good, babe.

You know,
of this business.

I'm not letting her
throw our future away.

I'm... I'm taking this
upstairs to Kelcher.

I'm going to the big boss.

This is where
I make my stand...

It's her or me!

It's her.

Whose side did you think
he was going to take?

Well, it's worse
than that, pally.

He wants me to
take her to dinner

in an attempt to iron out
our personality differences

and develop a rapport...
And keep your job.

Yeah, well, that was
on the cake, yeah.

Gag.
What?

Gag.

I thought you liked Karen.

(CHUCKLES) She's okay
for bossing you around

but my idea of
she ain't.

I mean, Kelcher tells
about anything business.

We can't talk business.
relate personally.

I have to relate to Ms. Whiz
on a personal level,

as if... As if behind
is a person there.

Whoa.

The dinner date from hell.
I don't envy you.

Dads, I've thought about
it like you asked me to.

And I know the right
place for me.

Have you signed that
permission slip yet?

No, sweetheart, we didn't.

Well, go ahead.

Because I'm not
that smart a girl

and I belong in
the regular class.

Far side of the couch,
one hand.

Whoo!

No backboard.

No way, you have
to call that.

No, no, no, I made
a no-backboard sh*t.

You got to make
a no-backboard sh*t,

you gotta make whatever
Hurry up.

Oh.
Oh, that's too bad,

'cause you know,
for you.

So I think that gives
a mere "H", right?

He's taller than me.

But you see, I drink milk,
and milk is shaping my body,

so when I'm ...

sh**t!

Cory has some
good ideas here,

but basically he thinks
Huckleberry Finn

is just about a boy's
adventure on a raft.

You know, I mean,
to the fact

that it was also
terrible racism is.

Gee, he missed that, huh?

Well, don't tell him that.
Why?

Tell him you loved it.

Tell him it's the cutest
thing you ever read.

That's what
he wants to hear.

But he asked for my help.

Fine. Give it to him.

And when you grow up
spinster librarian.

Will you come on
and sh**t? Come on.

Hey, you know, you've
this whole game.

Yeah, that's because
basketball,

the dribbling seems to
the apartment below us

and it's only
(DOOR CREAKS)

I've come to fix that
terrible banging sound.

(SQUEAKING)

I lose more balls that way.

What do you have to say
little accessory?

Hey, I'm only supposed
to do my homework here.

Do it.

Nicole?

Uh, how'd you like
my book report?

Well, I'm off to my dinner
with Karen the Wise.

Am I looking
forward to this?

No!

I loved your
book report, Cory.

It was so cute.

Thanks.

Love your suit, Mr. Taylor.

Gives you real powerful
shoulders, mmm-hmm.

Thank you, Shelby.

Lovely girl, that one.

She's going
a wonderful ex-wife.

So, Romeo, where...
your last meal, huh?

Well, I considered every
classy restaurant in town,

but then I decided on
Klawicki's because

I feel it makes
"Let's never do this again."

What are you reading?

Huckleberry Finn.
Oh.

Classic American literature.

Keep your eyes on
your own paper.

It's not as challenging
as Beowulf,

but, hey, Nick, didn't you
summer on your own, huh?

No. That was
Huckleberry Hound.

Klawicki,

I'm having dinner with
my notorious editor,

and to make sure that
I need your help.

I want bad food,
I want bad service,

and if you can,
spill something on us, huh?

Well, I'll do what
I can, Michael,

but I do have other
customers, you know.

Hey, I'm a regular, right?

Okay, okay, I got
table left...

Right in the traffic flow.

Hello, Michael.
Hi, Karen.

Nice to see you in my
spare time away from you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Ed Klawicki,
Karen Martin,

the editor of our
magazine and my buh.

Boss?
Yeah.

Pleased to meet you.

I notice that you have
a magazine stand.

I hope that you'll put us
in a prominent position

and recommend us to
all your customers.

Boy, she doesn't
miss a trick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Okay, let me start.

I know that this dinner
was Kelcher's idea.

By the way, it's an
that you've picked out.

And I agree, I think
to find some

areas of
personal compatibility,

so that we can
work better together.

Oh, yeah, absolutely,
absolutely.

So, uh...

So, nuclear w*r, what?
No?

(BOTH LAUGH)

See, that...
That was a moment.

You look...
You look very nice.

So do you.

Hmm.

Well, now that momentum
is kinda sh*t

and we don't really
to talk about, do we?

We're not supposed
to talk about work.

Right, I know that, so, uh,
how about personal life?

What kind of life
do you have?

Do you have pets?

No.

Plants?
Not real ones.

Boyfriends?
Not real ones.

You have appliances?
Do you have shoes?

Give me something
to work with here.

(CHUCKLES) I have...

My work.

But, we're not supposed
to talk about that, so, uh...

Got any pets?
No.

Uh, I wanted a dog but
have them in the building

so I had to get a daughter.

Nicole.
Beautiful girl.

Let's talk about her.

You don't want to hear
a father go on and on

about his perfect daughter.

Well, if you
don't want to.

But I'll tell you,
she's at that age

where every day she's
a woman,

and, uh, being a parent,
all the time.

She's going through
a thing now. She's...

She's in this
advanced English class

and she doesn't really
want to be in it anymore,

so she blew a test
so she'd be let out.

Why would she want
advanced class?

Right, good question.

I got it narrowed
down to peer pressure.

But on page of my
Father Knows Best handbook,

it says that what I know
is not gonna help her

as much as what
she can learn for herself.

So, I'm gonna let her go
back to the regular class

for a couple of days

and until her brain
its own level.

You should never have
regular class at all.

I beg your pardon?

Well, it's just
I would have made.

Check!

What are you saying?

(WHISTLES)

I'm reading Beowulf
for pleasure.

I'm sick.

Hey, if you like
that book so much,

how come you don't
that teaches it, huh?

I'm just not comfortable.

What does that mean?
chairs are too hard?

The classroom's too cold?

The teacher squeaks
the chalk? What?

Did you ever date
from your school?

If they dated me,
they were smart.

Come on.

What does that have
class, huh?

This has nothing
to do with school.

This has to do with
my whole life.

I don't want to grow up to
be a spinster librarian.

(SCOFFS) Now who gave
you that idea, huh?

And why is the name
in my head?

This has nothing
to do with Shelby.

Shelby happens to be
very smart in hygiene.

Then who does it
have to do with?

Is Karen smart?

Our boss, Karen?
Yeah, yeah she's smart. Yeah.

Otherwise she
wouldn't be the boss.

Smarter than you
and Michael?

No, everybody's
exactly as smart.

Except for me and Michael.

Is that why Michael
doesn't like her?

Doesn't want to have
dinner with her?

What good is it being
to have dinner with you?

Maybe it's better to
be a little less smart

and a little bit
more popular.

Whoa.

Oh. You know,
to do at work, fine!

You can even come to
what to do at work,

but don't ever,
anytime, anywhere,

tell me how to
raise my daughter!

Hey, get a life
of your own, huh?

I just wish that instead
of shouting at each other,

we could just listen
to each other.

What's that?
What is that, niceness?

Niceness now,
in the elevator? No.

Hey, you don't get to
have the last nice word.

No, no, you don't get
the last nice word.

I get the last nice word!

And the last nice word is,
I had a wonderful time!

That's more than one word.

MICHAEL: I can't hear you!

Hey, Romeo,
how was the dinner?

I'm fired.

What'd you do?
Did you order wrong?

No, I... I...
I ordered...

I ordered conversation,
but what I got was

Dr. Karen Sigmund Freud
Oprah Geraldo telling me...

Telling me how to raise
my -year-old daughter

who she just met and
I know for over a year.

This Karen seems
like a tough cookie.

Well, she's tougher
than a cookie.

She's, uh...
She's a Wheat Thin.

And she's smart, huh?

And you seem to have
being smart.

(SCOFFS)

What?

Well, I found out why
in the smart class.

'Cause of a couple of
boys that she likes.

See, good work. That's...

You get the parenting
merit badge.

See, I figured it was
Boys, huh?

It's always boys.
It's always gonna be boys.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah,
boys that she likes

are us.
Us?

Well, it's always us, huh?
It's always gonna be us.

Actually, it's just you.

It's me?

Why me?
Why is it always me?

Nicole heard you talking

about how Karen wasn't
exactly Ms. Popular,

you know,
because she was too smart.

Kids listen to the
don't they?

Hey, Nicole?

Hi, Dad.
Hi.

Wanna, uh... Wanna hear
about my date with Karen?

Did you have a good time?

Well, it was interesting.

It's what we call
an interesting date.

You know, Karen...
Karen seems to feel

that I should've forced
advanced class.

That's what she thinks
and she's pretty smart.

You think so?
Yeah.

She's smart,
and successful.

Ick. You wanna
end up like that?

You think I should?

Why...
It's always me.

I'm asking you because
to like me when I get older.

(CHUCKLES) Well, look,
somebody exactly like me

is already nuts about you.

So, what are you
worried about?

Why don't you like Karen?

Yeah, Michael,
why don't you like Karen?

Yeah, Michael,
you're under oath.

(CLEARS THROAT) It has
not liking Karen.

It's not that
I don't like Karen.

I do like Karen.

I do. Uh, a little.

I like her a little.

But only because
incredible brain.

I mean, she's...
She's imaginative,

and... And she's resourceful,
she's... She's...

She's exactly the kind
really want to know.

Unless she's your boss
her dead.

See, it's a very fine line.

So, what you're saying is,

you respect her.

You see?
This is what's gonna happen.

We put her in
the smart classes,

and she's going to keep
deductions

and she's really
going to irritate me.

NICOLE:
Hey. It's who I am.

You're gonna have to
learn to live with it.

Okay, well, I got a deal
for you, smarty-pants.

You get yourself back
in the advanced class

where you belong,

and I'll tell you what,

I will recognize
Karen's right

to exist as
an intelligent life form.

And go back out
and tell her that.

Deal is off.
No, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry. And you can read
for all I care.

You know, Michael,
I think you should listen

to your daughter from
the advanced class.

Get on the phone,
give it another try.

You're right.
What?

She's right.

Oh. Oh.

Yeah. That's good thinking.
That's good thinking.

That is exactly
that I'm attracted to.

That is...
It's a good idea,

it's a good idea,
it's a productive idea,

and most important,
I b*at Karen to it.

(PHONE RINGS)

I hate her!

(MUSIC PLAYING)
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