03x10 - Thanks for the Memories

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Two Dads". Aired: September 20, 1987 – April 30, 1990.*
Watch/Buy Amazon


Joey and Michael, who fought over the same woman 13 years ago now have, upon her death, been awarded joint custody of her daughter - who might be either of theirs.
Post Reply

03x10 - Thanks for the Memories

Post by bunniefuu »

Great, so why are we late for Thanksgiving dinner?

I'll tell ya. You. I blame you.

You don't shop like a normal person. You shop stupid.

Ah, so it took a little extra time

to find the best cranberry sauce that money can buy...

Nanny's Crannies.

Big deal. What do you think,

you think Nanny is some sweet old lady in Vermont

who hand-picks cranberries off the trees especially for you?

Yeah, I'd like to think so, yeah.

I hate to break it to you, pally, but Nanny

is a big greasy machine in South Jersey.

No, she's not. Yes, she is.

Squeezes out a thousand cans a minute.

I'll tell ya something else, I'm getting hungry,

I'm cranky, our food's gonna be ice cold, and who do I blame?

You! I blame you! You blame me for everything.

I don't blame you for everything. Yes, you do.

Nah. No, I don't. Yeah, you do.

MICHAEL: I do not. JOEY: It's your nature.

MICHAEL: No. JOEY: Yes, you do. You blame me for everything.

MICHAEL: I don't blame you for anything.

(ELEVATOR BREAKS DOWN) JOEY: Oh, man.

Oh, man, this elevator's stuck.

MICHAEL: I blame you!

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

I'm starving.

Where are my dads?

Patience, honey. You can wait a few more minutes.

Hi.

I had to walk up four flights of stairs.

Boy, am I hungry.

Wait, wait, Shelby, we're not gonna start yet.

We're waiting for my dads to get here. Right?

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

If you ask me, I say we should go ahead and eat.

It could take forever to get them out of the elevator.

Huh?

They're stuck in there.

(TAPPING METAL)

What're you doin'? I'm very hungry.

Hey...

Hey, I got my Swiss Army Kn*fe, with the can opener on it.

Don't toy with me, Joe. I got it.

Don't toy with me.

Here...

Nice catch.

Look, I got a can in my hand!

Come on. JUDGE WILBUR: Michael!

Joey! You down there?

BOTH: Hey! We're down here.

BOTH: Yeah. NICOLE: Dads?

What happened? It's Joey's fault!

Yeah, can you get us out of here?

Don't worry.

I'll call a repairman.

Okay, but hurry, we're starvin' down here.

All right. Just don't panic, all right?

Who? Me? Don't panic. Yeah.

Hey, we've been in tighter situations than this.

You shouldn't be embarrassed just because your knees are showing.

We're all friends here.

There's no reason for you to feel uncomfortable.

(POUNDING ON DOOR) Liz! It's Jeffrey.

Oh, my God!

Jeffrey? What, your ex-boyfriend?

Yes, my very large, somewhat hot-tempered ex boyfriend.

(POUNDING CONTINUES) Just a minute. I'm coming.

Listen, Jeffrey's not at all gonna understand what's going on here.

Could you two mind terribly...

Closet? Yes. Please. Thank you.

Are you kidding me? Come on.

Hey, this actually happens to real people?

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Liz, open it up!

Fine. Fine.

I'm hiding in a woman's closet,

in my underwear, and her psycho Jeffrey boyfriend's outside

and there's, there's no air in here.

There's no light. The walls are closin' in

and I'm gonna die...

First time, huh?

What? What, you, you've done this before?

The best are the walk-in closets.

Lot of room to stretch out in case the boyfriend decides to stay the weekend.

Yeah, the worst, the worst is trying to fit

in one of those spaces where you fold up your ironing board.

That's real tight.

But it can be done. Don't get me wrong.

It's a lot better than hangin' out the window, I've been there.

What is this? "Ask Mr. Closet?"

I mean, maybe I didn't want to hide in the closet, you ever think of that?

Maybe if I had a choice, I'd want to hide under the bed.

Think, Michael. Think.

You could get really hurt there.

Besides, look, look, in here we get to learn all about Liz right here.

Yeah.

Look at this. Hey, hey. Look at this. Look.

Liz is a jogger.

These are her little running shoes.

Then these must be her boyfriends, huh?

Look at the size of those shoes!

He must be like feet tall!

(SCREAMS)

(WHISPERS) What the hell is that?

Liz's boyfriend's a Winnebago.

Oh, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.

We're gonna die. We're gonna die. Hey, I think he's leaving.

We're gonna die. We're gonna die. He's leaving.

We're gonna live. We're gonna live. We're gonna live.

LIZ: You know, Jeffrey, it was good to see you.

JEFFREY: Good to see you, too, sugar.

Oh, sh**t, almost forgot. While I'm here, I want to pick up my boots.

(WHIMPERS)

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

I think we handled that like men, right?

Yeah.

Just like the time we had that bet over Diana Thackery.

See which one of us she'd pick.

We handled that like men. Stupid men.

Very stupid men.

Let's lie down and get comfortable.

All righty.

Now, this afternoon, Joey was saying to me, and I quote...

And you quote?

"Oh, Michael and I have always been very competitive."

Hey, I didn't come here to quote.

Michael, you're being defensive.

Well, you know, I feel kinda silly.

I feel like I'm being analyzed here.

You got me on a couch and you're asking me questions?

If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a shrink.

You're a shrink.

You're a shrink and I'm an idiot.

I'm a big idiot. See, you're writin' down notes.

What, are you gonna write a book? Is that it?

What, are you gonna write one of these

Why All Men Should Be Dead books, is that it?

Like, uh, Women Who Love Jerks, by...you!

Ah!

Michael, how are you feeling right now?

Are you feeling emasculated?

No! No. No. No, I'm not.

I'm not, I just... You know, you used us and, and that's not right.

I don't want to be one of these jerky guys in your books.

Well, I could change your name, if you like.

To what, Bozo? Would that help?

I mean, tell me the truth, am I like the biggest idiot in the book, huh?

Or is there possibly some king-size idiot

out there in the universe who could possibly top me?

(SPANISH INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

♪♪ Cara Mia why

♪♪ Must we say goodbye?

♪♪ I'll be your love

♪♪ Till the end of

♪♪ Time ♪♪

What?

MICHAEL: Good move, Joe. Women love a man in a hat.

JOEY: Hey, you're just jealous 'cause you always want the women that want me.

Isn't she great, Michael, huh?

I mean she's got taste, she's got style.

Cheese ball?

I also spent two years studying art at the Sorbonne,

which is why I am so taken with Joey's talent.

The Sorbonne? So you must speak French.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Which means...

Which means I speak the language of love.

I speak French, too. Really?

Oh, doesn't just hearing someone speak French put you into a romantic mood?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Well, I'm, uh, glad I could be of some help.

JOEY: Hey, what can I tell you, Michael.

I just got this, uh, this chemistry with women.

MICHAEL: Yep, you're a legend, Joe.

And I remember the day the legend d*ed.

How ya doin'?

Hey, guys, it's Joey with a woman.

We get to see the master in action. Shh!

What is that I see in your eyes?

Am I wrong or do I see little flecks of gold

glittering in the deepest of blue,

like stars flickering on a hot summer night?

He's the best.

He's getting to her. He's getting to me.

What do you say we get out of here, huh,

we go someplace where we can be two people

just lost in each other?

Get the trampoline.

Do you really believe that a woman with a brain

could actually get turned on by what you just said?

I think that you're the lowest species of inarticulate grunt

that I've ever had to share air with.

(ALL GASP)

And I'll tell you something else, you rutting little pig.

Women of substance are not dazzled by cheap pickup lines.

Did you hear what I said? Uh-huh.

We want a relationship based on respect and true affection,

or we want nothing at all.

Say it ain't so, Joe.

Rather than go out with an overgrown adolescent like you,

I would choose a responsible, sensible, compassionate man like...

Like...him!

You realize this means nothing.

(STUTTERS) I'm... I'm completely unaffected.

And so the god of love

is reduced to schmutz.

Yep. The Judge. Always there for ya, huh?

Oh, yeah. Kind, compassionate.

I get a few minutes to relax,

in my bathtub, directly below you.

But I take a brief recess to come up here and tell you...

Don't play basketball in the apartment!

Will you come on and sh**t! Come on.

Hey, you know, you've been hurrying me up this whole game.

Yeah, that's because every time I play basketball,

the dribblin' seems to bother the occupant in the apartment below us.

It's only a matter of time...

I've come to fix that terrible banging sound.

(BALL WHISTLING)

I lose more balls that way.

If people don't want their feet washed,

you can't wash people's feet against their will.

Leave 'em alone!

I object. The man is innocent until he's proven guilty.

Shut up, thief!

You have a lawyer?

No, Your Honor, I'd like to plead my own case.

I really think a lawyer could help you.

Never mind.

♪♪ I bring singin' telegrams I'm no thief, not me no, ma'am

♪♪ The VCR they found on me was purely circumstantial ♪♪

Gong!

Believe it or not, Your Honor,

this is Mr. Streebeck's third offense.

Maybe we should send him up to Sing Sing.

You are one big doofus.

Thank you, ma'am.

You know what kills me, there's so many,

so many things I wanted to do in my life,

I never saw the sunset over the Andes.

Neither did I.

Never ran with the bulls in Pamplona.

Neither did I.

Never had sex in a Korean car.

JUDGE WILBUR: Hello. The elevator repairman is here!

The main cable in there is really old.

Are my dads in any danger?

Oh, don't worry. They'll be fine.

(SNAPPING) Hey!

What was that? NICOLE: Dads?

What are you doin' up there? Boys!

Didn't enjoy that!

REPAIRMAN: Everything's fine. Don't panic.

Everything's hunky-dory.

I don't think they're going to make it.

Do you? I don't.

JOEY: Just relax. MICHAEL: Uh-huh.

JOEY: Judge got a repairman. MICHAEL: Okay.

JOEY: I'm sure he knows what he's doin'. MICHAEL: Okay. All right.

(THUD) Whoa!

What's that? What happened?

JUDGE WILBUR: The repairman is working on the problem.

Don't make any sudden moves.

MICHAEL: All right, here you go again.

You think you're gonna die, and you're gonna get crazy like you alway s do.

♪♪ For she's a jolly good fellow which nobody can deny ♪♪

(TOOTS PARTY FAVOR)

Happy th birthday, Nicole.

You know, I wish I was there to share it with you,

'cause you know what they say, "Life begins at ."

But I really wouldn't know that 'cause I never made it for I'm dead.

But enough about me. Let's talk about you.

I'm sure by now you've chosen the right career,

but if not, please refer to this videotape, number ,

labeled "Jobs That Would Make Michael Proud."

Or this one, A.

"It's a Good Thing Michael's Dead."

But I'm sure that's not a problem.

I'm, I'm sure you're very successful.

I'm sure you're happy. I mean, after all, you're

you're years old now, and I'm sure you're thinking to yourself...

Is it still too soon to have sex?

But you know... What the hell are you doing?

You remember the Judge.

MICHAEL: Here's the thing.

The Judge gives a daughter to a couple of amateurs and says you guys'll be great.

Oh, and one more thing, she'll be dating.

Hello?

Oh, hi. (GIGGLES)

It's too late, Joe, we've lost her.

I'm really glad you called. (GIGGLES)

Yeah, I really am. (GIGGLES)

Saturday?

This Saturday?

Listen to this.

He's asking her out on a date.

A date! Hey, she's not old enough to go out on a date.

Oh, come on.

How old were you when you went on your first date?

It's not the same with guys.

Oh, a little double standard here?

Come on, how old were you?

Eight.

Eight?

Yeah, eight. How old were you?

Seven. Right.

Okay, I was , but the girl was seven.

This... You know why this is wonderful?

Because in a few seconds, Joe, our little daughter

is gonna timidly ask us for permission

to go on her very first date with a boy.

And you know what we'll do?

We will listen to her request.

We will ask her pertinent questions about her young man

and then, with joy in our hearts and tears in our eyes,

we'll say yes.

This is a great father moment.

Okay, great. Bye.

Okay, get ready. Here comes the timid question.

I'm going on a date this Saturday!

The hell you are!

Come on. Come on. Hey!

See? Nothing's goin' on.

(BOTH SCREAM)

I know this looks bad.

How does this look?

Nicole, you are grounded!

Too bad, Nicole.

You're grounded, too.

Oh, I almost completely forgot the guy. She hates you now.

You wanna talk? Would you like to talk?

(SCOFFS) No.

No, definitely, let's not talk.

I'm gonna tell you something, mister.

You think that just because you're a parent,

you have the right to tell me how to live my life.

But when I try to give you a well-intended piece of advice,

like your date stinks,

then I have violated the supreme rule of the universe,

which is the advice only flows in one direction, from your mouth to my life.

You're on, babe.

Let me tell you how the family structure works, okay?

You see, the father and, and the father

make decisions that you may not understand right now.

But in time, you will.

When?

When you're older. Here we go.

When I'm older? Ah.

Well, I'm older now.

And I'm even older now.

I just keep getting older and older.

You know what I'm talkin' about.

What? When I'm ?

Maybe then, I'll be wise enough

that I could give you advice once in a while?

Nicole... Do not...

...call me Nicole.

Okay? Nicole is my child name.

I do not respond to my child name anymore.

And, and, and what name will you respond to now?

You may address me as Sigourney.

Inhale, oxygen.

Exhale, carbon dioxide.

Inhale.

Exhale.

BOTH: Inhale.

BOTH: Exhale.

BOTH: Inhale.

BOTH: Exhale.

(SNORING)

This is gonna be one of those moments

in my life I'll never forget, right?

If you live.

Dad...

Hi, Nicole.

Go get ready for bed.

It's not all his fault.

I am well aware of that, little Miss Respiration.

Go.

I bet this sort of thing happened to you once or twice when you were my age.

Right, Mr. Harris?

Once or twice.

And what did the incredibly understanding father say to you at such a time?

He said, "Damn, this thing's not loaded."

Well, I think I fixed the cable.

BOTH: Can we move now?

If I were you, I'd run.

Dads... Hey...

How do I get in on this? Ooh, yeah.

Well, we finally made it to dinner, Joe.

Well, I'm just glad we have this whole terrible experience behind us.

What terrible experience?

We're all here together and we have a lot to be thankful for.

That's right.

Just a couple of years ago, we were just three separate people, now we're a family.

And who do we got to thank for that?

You're welcome.

Doesn't it seem like yesterday that we,

we heard those four magic words that changed our lives forever?

Congratulations. It's a girl.

(MUSIC PLAYING)
Post Reply