02x26 - Casanova Trouble

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Three Sons". Aired: September 29, 1960 - April 13, 1972.*
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Widower Steve Douglas raises a trio of boys.
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02x26 - Casanova Trouble

Post by bunniefuu »

Hey, Chip, come on.

You're gonna be late for school.

Okay.

How come you're always the
last one to leave the house?

On account of
everybody's bigger than me,

and they push me
out of the bathroom.

Close the door
quick, Mr. O'Casey!

Why? Who's out there?

Dorine Peters and
Ella Mae Stanky.

Jeepers.

What's the matter with you guys?

Look at them just hanging
out there with their clunky faces.

You guys making all this
fuss over two little girls?

Sure.

What, are you afraid they're
gonna b*at up on you?

Heck, no.

Me and Chip can b*at up
almost any girl we know.

Then what are they doing
that they got you hiding in here

like a pair of rabbits?

They want to walk us to school.

Oh.

Would you like to sign these
letters now, Mr. Douglas?

Oh, sure, Julie.

But I haven't
dictated any letters...

Wouldn't my signature
look a little funny

on Mr. Lewis's letters?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Of course they're Mr. Lewis's.

I don't know what I
was thinking about.

I'm sorry.

That's all right, Julie.

Oh, uh, say, would you bring
me a cup of coffee, please?

Oh, yes, right away.

There you are.

What am I supposed
to do with this?

You asked for a
cup of cof... Oh!

Well, I measured out the coffee,

and I must have put the
cup down and brought you...

Honestly, I don't know what's
the matter with me today.

I guess you must
be the one who, uh,

sharpened all the
erasers on my pencils.

Yes. Yes, I guess I am.

Oh, I'm so sorry,

but it just seems as if I
hadn't slept for weeks.

I keep thinking about
it and thinking about it.

Thinking about what, Julie?

Oh, I shouldn't bother you
with my troubles, Mr. Douglas.

Julie, I've known you
and Jerry way back

since before you were married.

Now, let's cut out
the "Mr. Douglas"

and tell me what's
the matter, hmm?

Jerry's out of town, and he
won't be back for two weeks.

And by then, I don't
know, it may be too late.

Now, now.

Look, if you'll just brief me

on what, uh, this is all about,

maybe I can say something

more sensible than
just "now, now."

Well, it's Linda.

I don't know if you
remember our daughter.

Oh, of course I do.
Pretty little thing.

She's 13 now.

13! My golly.

And she's in love,
or thinks she is,

with an older man.

Is-Is that what's bothering you?

Well, now, Steve,
this is serious.

She thinks he's
completely wonderful.

Well, of course
she does, that's...

Oh, I've done everything wrong,

and she won't talk to
me about it at all anymore.

She just clams up.

You know how kids can be.

Are you two still here?

You'll be 45 minutes
late for school.

Yeah, but we're not
sure they're gone.

Yeah. Sometimes
they pretend to go,

but all the time they're
hiding in the bushes.

Out!

Jeepers. Gee whiz, Mr. O'Casey.

You don't want them
to get us, do you?

Gosh... Out!

I hope they jump out from
the bushes and kiss you.

Steve's lucky.

All he has to do is go to
work and forget about the kids.

How old is this fella, anyway?

Oh, I don't know.

I've never seen him.

But his name must
begin with "M,"

because she's writing
"M's" all over everything.

And she's flunking
two of her classes.

And she even talks...
When she talks at all...

About quitting school entirely.

Well... I'll tell
you what, Julie.

It's, uh... it's almost 3:00.

Now, why don't you go home

and wait for him to bring Linda
home, and find out who he is

and let me know, and I'll have
a man-to-man talk with him.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Would you? Sure, I will.

3:00.

Guess I can just make it.

Uh, Julie...

would you put a little more
cream in there for me, please?

Take it easy, hmm?

Oh, I didn't hear you come in.

No, I guess you didn't.

I came in the back door.

Well, it's after 6:00.

Where have you
been since school?

Oh, nowhere.

Just around.

What were you doing?

Nothing special.

Well, who were you with?

Oh, nobody in particular.

I've got an awful lot of
homework to get done.

Well, hello there, Tramp.

Let me out.

Attaboy.

No, no, come on, come on.

You coming in, or you
want to stay out here, hmm?

Oh, you want to come in. Okay.

Mm-mmm. Bub,
what are you cooking?

Smells like one
of your pot roasts.

It does, huh? Well, it
happens to be burning rubber.

I just burnt the
cord on the toaster.

Mmm, smells delicious.

How do you like that?

He can't tell my cooking
from burnt rubber!

Well, let me see... How
about Norma Curtis?

F-R-2-2-5... No, forget it.

You might as well not call her.

She'd tell you she had
a date, even if she didn't.

Yeah, well, she's one of those
that you got to call a week before.

I don't know.

You know how some dames are.

Dames? What are dames?

That's a skirt, Dad, or
a tomato or a hairpin.

Where did you learn
that kind of talk?

From Mike. He says
all kind of neat stuff.

Oh.

Uh, excuse me, would you, Mike?

Oh. Oh, yeah, Dad.

I'm just trying to
get Buzz a date.

Yeah, well, try to get him
a girl, huh? Not a dame.

Hey, here's a good deal.

Holly Adams.

Real cute blonde,
really knows the tune,

and you can use
her father's car.

She's what?!

Married?!

Well, I don't know, Buzz.

Of course, you could call Lucy,

but I've got her graded
pretty low in my book.

Graded pretty low?

Uh, who gives the examinations?

Wait a minute, I got an idea.

Hey, Robbie? Robbie?

Yeah?

Hey, what's the name
of that, uh, that new girl...

Betty something or
other... just moved...?

Uh, Plaza. Betty Plaza, yeah.

Plaza?

Yeah, that's
Spanish for "square."

And boy, is she!

Well, I just struck out.

Look, maybe you'd
better call Tom.

He's brought his
book up to date.

He might have something.

Okay. All right. Bye-bye.

Uh, Robbie?

Rob, come back here, huh?

And you stay here,
too, Mike. What?

Uh, don't you think your,
uh, your attitude on girls

is maybe just a little rugged?

Oh, that's mostly talk, Dad.

I mean, we still help
them in and out of cars

and all that jazz. That's nice.

Yeah, and besides,
you ought to hear

what they say about us, Dad.

Oh, Ginzy Holmes has a sister

that thinks guys are
nothing but crew cut money.

Yeah. Well, just remember

that there are a
lot of sensitive girls.

They're easily hurt.

And they have to be
looked after a little.

And if their parents
want them home by 10:30,

be sure and get
them home by 10:30.

Okay.

Dad? Hmm?

You want to talk about it
some more, or can we go now?

Oh, you can go now.

Just remember
what I said, that's all.

Sure, Dad.

Dad? Hmm?

Can I stay up till 10:30
if I'm with a woman?

No. Not for a while.

And what I said to your
brothers applies to you, too, Chip.

You've got to be
polite to little girls.

Like how?

Well, uh, open
the door for them,

let them go through first.

But Dorine always
makes me go first.

She's afraid I might trip her.

But I never try and
trip her on the stairs.

Oh, that's thoughtful of you.

Come on, it's all clear.

I think we lost them when we
climbed over those two fences.

I don't know... Dorine's
a pretty good climber.

She gets cats out of
trees and everything.

You think the reason
they follow us around

is that they want to kiss us?

Sure.

Yecch!

So, I didn't get to see him.

In the mood she was in,

there was no use my trying
to find out anything more.

But I just knew she'd
been with him again.

Steve? Mm-hmm?

Do you think it's
right for a parent

not to respect their
children's privacy?

I mean... do you ever
read your children's diaries?

Uh, boys don't
keep diaries, Julie.

At least the boys
in our house don't.

They keep everything
else... Beetles in bottles

and pie under the bed
and toads in the bathtub,

but no diaries.

Well, Linda keeps one.

And, um, I was wondering
if it would be wrong

for me to read it to try to find
out exactly what's going on.

Do you think it'd be all right?

Oh, I think anything
a parent does

to protect his
children is all right.

What did it say, Julie?

Oh, well, I didn't
really read it.

The book wasn't
locked, and it fell open.

What did it say?

Well, I only saw one line.

It said, "Last
night was sublime.

We danced all
night. 'M' kissed me."

Out all night at 13?

I know. It scared me to death.

I was trying to figure out
when that could have been.

Last week she stayed all
night at her friend Betty's.

She does that sometimes.

Or maybe she just told
me she was at Betty's.

Oh, of course she was there.

What kind of a character
would keep a girl

Linda's age out all night?

I'd like to get my hands
on any two-bit Casanova

who'd try a thing like that.

Thanks, Marlon.

Okay, Marlon, see you tomorrow.

Yeah, get lost...

Will you quit calling me Marlon?

It makes me feel like a creep.

I think of you as Marlon.

Yeah, well, would
you please cut it out?

It's embarrassing.

I'm... I'm sorry, Robbie.

Thanks.

Come on, fellas, rise and shine.

Chip, I'm not going
to call you again.

Breakfast is ready.

Hey, Bub, is this the
last clean shirt I've got?

Is that the last shirt
in your drawer? Yeah.

Then that's the last
clean shirt you got.

Yeah, but there's
almost no buttons on it.

Well, then sew some
on. Well, I'm late now.

Hey, can I see if I
can wear one of Dad's?

No. Just because
your dad's out of town

doesn't mean that you
can borrow his clothes.

He'll be home tomorrow
with a case of dirty laundry

hollering louder than
you are for a clean shirt.

Chip, the next voice you hear

will be that of
the truant officer!

Shake it out!

Hey, Mike, uh,
can I borrow a shirt?

You'd have to take
the one off my back.

Oh, well, do you have a safety
pin anywhere I can borrow?

Look on the top of the dresser.

Hey, Mike, can I borrow
this club pin just for today?

I won't lose it, I promise.

Hey, Mike?

Oh, hello, Julie.

Oh. We weren't
expecting you in today.

Yeah, I just drove
in from the airport.

Finished everything up
sooner than I expected.

Well, I suppose
everything's gone to pot

here in the office in the two
days I've been away, hmm?

Tell me, Julie, uh, how
are things with Linda?

Everything all straightened out?

Oh, no. No. That's
why I'm in here.

There were some
people in my office.

I was just going to put
in a long-distance call

to Jerry and ask
him to come home.

Oh, now, things
can't be that bad.

Have you found out the
name of this, uh, older man?

No, but I found his
fraternity pin in her room.

Oh?

He's evidently talked her

into being secretly
engaged to him.

Oh, now, a pin doesn't
necessarily mean that.

Particularly when
the girl's only 13.

Well, this isn't a college
fraternity pin. It's a...

I've seen one of these
before someplace.

I think it's one of those high
school club insignias, you know?

Well, I suppose a
high school senior

could be Linda's
idea of an older man.

He could be 18.

Some of them get
married at that age.

Oh, indeed, they do.

It, uh, has something
scratched on the back.

I think it's a name,
but I can't make it out.

Yeah, it looks like a name.

I can't make it out, either.

Yeah, it's a name, all right.

There's the initial
"M" and the last name.

"D"...

Can you make it out?

Yes, I-I can make it out.

It's-It's, uh... "Dougander."

Or something like that.

What-What did you say
the boy's first name was?

Well, I-I don't know.

I heard her talking
on the phone,

and I thought she called
him "Merle" or "Marv,"

but it might have
been something else.

Anyway, I know
it begins with "M."

It-It begins with
"M," all right.

Well, do you think
you can find him?

Yes, I-I can find him.

Well... when we do find him,

we can report him to
the welfare authorities.

Well, Julie...

Well, he's certainly
contributing

to the delinquency of a minor.

Well, I-I really don't think we
should jump to conclusions.

Uh... you just let
me handle this, Julie.

I'll, I'll take care
of everything...

when I get home.

I mean, uh... when I find him.

Oh, Steve.

You're really a friend in need.

I feel ashamed, though, that
I can't manage my one chick

while you manage
so well with your three.

They never seem to
get into any trouble.

Well, I-I wouldn't
quite say that, Julie.

Well, I certainly appreciate it.

"D-O-U-G-L-A-S... Douglas."

M. Douglas.

Mike!

Mike!

Hello, Chip. Oh, hi, Dad.

Where is Mike? Up
in his room, I guess.

What'd he do?

How do you know he did anything?

You're using your "he
did something" voice.

Is that all you can think of?

Well, it's, uh, kind
of a pleasant way

to figure out what
day of the week it is.

It's later than you
think, Casanova.

Much later.

Is this your pin?

No. Mine's over here.

Then how does this one
happen to have your name on it?

My name?

Hey, this is mine.

Surprise.

Where'd you get it?

Never mind where I got it!

Huh?

Yes, "huh"!

Mike... in the past,
I made it a practice

not to pry into
your life too much.

Because I've always
had confidence in you.

Because I-I knew you
wouldn't get too far off-base.

But I guess I've been wrong.

Mike, I-I just
don't understand it.

There are plenty of older
girls you could take out.

Why this little
13-year-old girl?

Little, little how-year-old?

Maybe you didn't
know she was only 13,

but that's no excuse, Mike.

And keeping her out all night!

What did you do, sneak out
after Bub was asleep, or some...?

Why did you do it?
Answer me. Why?

Uh, I don't know any answers.

I don't even recognize
the questions.

Mike, I can't tell you. - Steve!

Yes?

Phone.

All right.

You stay here, because
I'm coming right back.

And fasten your seatbelt,

because I haven't
even taken off yet.

Oh, hi, Dad. Hello.

Hello?

Was that Dad that
just walked out of here?

Well, it wasn't
John Wilkes Booth.

You sure it was Dad?

You flipped or something?

Yeah, maybe.

A guy walked in
here a minute ago.

He looked like Dad,
sounded like Dad.

Boy, he sure didn't
make any sense.

Mike, we've got
a little problem.

What do you mean, "we"?

Well, uh, you and I...
Uh, mostly me. Um...

I borrowed something from you.

I did ask, but I don't know
whether you heard me or not.

And I said I wouldn't lose it.

Well, I... I haven't
exactly lost it,

but I haven't
exactly got it, either.

People keep talking, but
the message doesn't come.

But I know where it is,

and I'll get it from
Linda Evans tomorrow.

I didn't give it to
her; she just took it.

She sewed on a button and
kept the pin for a souvenir.

The what?

The club pin I
borrowed from you.

I-I just wanted to tell you,
so that you-you wouldn't...

You mean this?

Hey, yeah! Where'd you find it?

Never mind. Huh?

Yeah, "huh"!

Oh, don't worry about
her anymore, Julie.

I'll...

Well, yeah, everything's
going to be all right.

I'll explain to you later.

Yeah. Good-bye.

Now, Mike... oh.

Robbie, I'm talking
to your brother now.

Would you mind...?
Wait a minute, Dad.

You're barking up the wrong boy.

Here's your Casanova.

Where?

Well, there.

He borrowed my pin.

That's how that
little girl got it.

This is an older man?

But she writes "M"
all over everything.

Well, she, uh... she
calls me "Marlon."

Like in fish?

No, like in actor.

Well, I can't help it.

She's all-right-looking,
but she's just a kid.

I ride home with her

in Jack Tully's car,
'cause I don't like to walk.

Oh, yeah, and once, I took
her to this thing at school

because she asked me.

That's all?

You never kept
her out all night?

Heck no, Dad.

Even if I wanted to, you just
can't get past Bub's bed check.

But she wrote it in her diary.

Aw, heck, Dad,

girls write all kind of
gook like that in their diary.

Sure. It's the, um,
fulfillment urge.

They make up most of
it to read to each other.

Yeah.

Ginzy's sister
wrote in her diary

that she was married
to an astronaut

and then divorced again.

And she's only 12.

How do you know
what's in her diary?

Well, Ginzy told me.

He had a key made;
it comes in handy

in case he wants to
blackmail her for something.

What's going on here?

Oh, just a minute, Chip.

Well, I can't tell you
fellas how relieved I am

that there was nothing
to this whole thing.

Of course, Linda's
mother's still worried sick.

Yeah. Well, you'd
probably better go over there

and straighten her out.

Yeah. Course,
it's a little difficult

to tell a mother that
her daughter's a...

Well, her husband
will be home tomorrow.

I'll wait and
explain it all to him.

Dad? Hmm?

You said, "Never put off stuff."

Well, that's right,
Chip, but, uh...

Well, if I get a chance,

I'll go over after
dinner and explain it.

Dinner's going
to be late tonight,

so you'll have time now.

Thanks very much.

Oh, Steve, come in.

Hello, Julie.

Here, let me take
your hat. Oh, thanks.

Oh, it was so nice
of you to come over.

I'm sorry to be so much trouble.

Well, it was no trouble, Julie.

It, uh... Is, uh, Linda here?

No. No, she's not home yet.

She must be out with
that... that monster.

No, I don't think she is.

Oh, I just know she is.

Well, I'll go along
with feminine intuition

once in a while, but
not, uh, right now.

That's a picture
of her, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

What a pretty girl
she's growing into.

That was taken when
she was in the school play.

Oh. She had the lead.

She has a very keen
sense of drama, hmm?

Oh, yes. She has a
wonderful imagination.

Mm-hmm?

She may be a writer someday.

Julie, I think, uh,

maybe she's a very
imaginative writer right now.

What?

Her diary... All that
talk about staying out

all night and the older
man... She made that all up.

You mean, there
isn't an older man?

Well, it depends upon
what you call older.

Well, then, you know who he is.

Oh, yes, I know who he is.

Did you talk to him?

Yeah, I've talked to him.

As a matter of fact, I, uh...

I talk to him every day.

What?

It's, uh, Robbie.

Your son Robbie?!

Well... Why all the "M's"?

Oh, that's because, uh,
Linda calls him "Marlon,"

like in, uh, "Brando."

Your son Robbie.

So, you had nothing to
worry about, you see?

Well...

Well, Steve, I don't
know what to say.

Look, I don't want to try to
tell you how to run your life.

But you have a daughter,
and she's going to have a crush

on somebody for the
next ten years or so,

so you might as
well get used to it.

And if you don't show
her that you trust her

and have confidence in her,

well, then she'll never be
able to tell you anything that...

Oh, hello.

Sorry I'm late.

Linda, this is Mr. Douglas.

Hello, Linda.

Hello. Uh, are you
Robbie's father?

Yes, I am.

You know, I used to think

he looked like Marlon Brando.

You, uh, used to?

I met a new boy.

He's in my science class.

He's... well, he's a little
more mature than Robbie.

Nothing personal, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, I understand.

He's quite suave.

Uh, and he's almost 15.

His name is Henry,
but... but I call him "Rock."

"Rock"? Like in "Hudson," huh?

Oh, no.

"Rock," like in
geological strata.

That's what he's interested in.

Oh, I see.

Now, Linda, you know I told you

to come home right
after school... Julie?

I think maybe I'd
better run along.

I think Bub's probably
awaiting dinner.

Good-bye, Linda.

Good-bye, Mr. Douglas.

Thank you, Steve.
Thank you very much.

Anytime, Julie.

And there, uh, will be times.

I wonder how come

Dorine and Ella Mae
quit following us around.

I guess they got too much
extra homework to do.

Yeah, or their mothers said

they shouldn't fall in
love with us or something.

Hey, Chip, can we
cut through the yard,

so we can climb over your fence?

Sure. Go ahead.

Oh, no! There they go!

Hey. Now they're
after Eddie and Billy.

Yeah.

Boy, girls are sure goofy.

Yeah. They could have had us.
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