02x29 - Robbie the Caddy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Three Sons". Aired: September 29, 1960 - April 13, 1972.*
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Widower Steve Douglas raises a trio of boys.
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02x29 - Robbie the Caddy

Post by bunniefuu »

Brother, no wonder
it's got no soup.

Nothing seats.

Yeah, that's the most
fractured butterfly

I ever saw. Look.

Yeah, it's really chewed up.

Looks like there was acid
in the gas or something.

Why don't we go show my dad?

Okay.

Oop.

Let's see... You want
another club, mister?

No, thank you, caddy.

Why don't you pretend
you want another club,

so I can hand you
something once in a while?

Okay. Now let's see, the,
uh, next hole is a three par.

I think I'll take the
three wood. Huh?

It's this wood here with
the "three" on it, see?

Shall I take off its hat?

Oh, yeah, take
off its hat. Okay.

Think the ball will go
farther that way, don't you?

Now, let's see.

Hey, hey, hey!

No, you don't. No, you don't.

Oh, we're just practicing, Bub.

No ball. Yeah, but you could do

a whole lot of damage
with just that stick.

Now I warn you: One
busted article in this room,

and I go back to Mother.

Then you... better give
me my putter again, caddy.

Hey, Dad, you want to see a real

fouled-up carburetor?

Well, not particularly. Hi,
Hank. Hi, Mr. Douglas. Uh...

I'd shake hands with
you, only I've got a sort of

a sprained finger from helping
my mother carry out the trash.

Oh, I'm sorry you
sprained your finger.

We'll have to shake
hands some other time.

Hey, Dad, take a
look at this butterfly.

Man, what'd you do,
drop something in there?

A butterfly doesn't look
like that after normal use.

I don't see any butterfly.

I knew he was gonna say that.

You see this thing that
moves when I do this, Chip?

That's called a butterfly.

And before you ask
me why, I don't know.

Sure is a wreck, huh,
Mr. Douglas? Yeah.

Yeah, in fact, there's no
point in even putting it back.

Wouldn't you say, Dad?

Yeah, I'd say.

Uh, I suppose you
have a solution.

Well, uh, no...

Oh, except, uh, Ginzy McIntire
has a real neat Tutho job

I could have for only $17.

For only $17. Now, look, Rob...

Oh, he doesn't expect you
to pay for it, Mr. Douglas.

We got a thing
sort of figured out.

Oh, a thing?

Yeah, uh, Hank thinks he
can get me a job caddying

for one of the big pros at
the tournament tomorrow.

Get me a job, too.

I'll caddy for a little pro.

Hank, do you really
think you can get Rob

a job caddying in a
tournament that important?

Well, sure, Mr. Douglas.

The caddy master likes me.

Besides, my dad's
president of the board.

Uh, Hank's gonna
caddy tomorrow, too, Dad.

And so he can
show me all the stuff

about how to hand
the clubs to the big pros

and stuff like that.

Nothing to it... all you
got to do is say "Nice ball"

once in a while and tell them
how you respect their judgment

when it comes to distance.

Well, that's a good way
to make some money.

Out!

Come on, you two, out of here.

We were just showing
this carburetor to Dad.

Get your greasy
carcass out of my house,

and that goes for
your filthy friend, too.

They were just showing
me the butterfly...

I don't care if they're
showing you the cocoon.

Get out of here.

Out! Okay, Bub, we're going.

Hold it! Don't put your greasy
hands on that doorknob.

You ought to know
better than that.

Now, get out!

Spend the whole day
cleaning the house,

and then these two
grease wrecks roll in here

and undo everything
I've been doing.

Dad? Yes, Chip.

Who's boss around
here... you or Bub?

Would you mind handing
me my putter again, please?

And don't ask so many questions.

Deadly, just deadly.

Uh-oh, the last of
the angry golfers.

I've got a complaint.

What is it, Mr. Donnigan?

This man's incompetent.

I don't want him to
caddy for me anymore.

I just sh*t the worst practice
round of my whole career.

You sh*t it, I didn't.

It was your fault.

He talks too much, and
he's got a silly giggle.

Check me out, Louie... I don't
want to work for him anymore.

Just like these
small-town clubs,

always giving you the
bottom of the grab bag

when it comes to caddies.

Get me a good boy, Louie.

Just because he hasn't won
a tournament in six months,

he takes it out on me.

Any volunteers?

Aw, come on, guys,
somebody better volunteer.

We can't have Danny
Donnigan carrying his own bag.

Caddy for him?

I'd rather go to work.

Hi, Louie.

Hello, Hank. I've got you Taylor
Thompson's bag for tomorrow.

Hey, thanks a lot.

Uh, this is Robbie Douglas;
he's a real neat caddy.

Hi. Hi, Douglas.

But I'm afraid you're
a little too late to...

Wait a minute.

Maybe we're not, at that.

Have you ever caddied before?

Oh, well... Ever hear
of Danny Donnigan?

Oh, sure, he won the
PGA a few years ago.

He's one of the
best in the country.

Well, you seem to
know your golf all right,

and you look like
a good, strong boy.

How would you like
to caddy for Donnigan?

No kidding, you mean it?

Sure, he means it.
Well, thanks a lot, sir.

I'll never forget it.

That's for sure.

Never mind those guys.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, thanks a lot.

Boy, it's a good thing your
dad's president of the board.

Yeah, he's got more
pull than I thought.

You want a malt?
Hey, yeah, sure.

Come on.

Fore!

That was a real nice
sh*t, Mr. Donnigan.

Now, what club would you
like for your second sh*t?

I'll take a three wood.

Where'd you ever
hear of a three wood?

I've been around.

You know, Bub, I
still can't understand

how Rob got a job
caddying for a pro.

That's serious business.

What's serious about golf?

Give me baseball.

That's a man's game.

Well, golf's a
pretty popular sport.

Sport?

A bunch of characters
traipsing around

through the weeds,
looking for a little ball?

Fore!

Hold it, Donnigan, hold it.

If I want a golf ball in
the eye, I'll send for you.

Mind if I sit down
on your golf course?

No, have a seat, Dad.

Rob, you've, uh, never
caddied before, have you?

Uh-uh. Well, it looks
like you're doing all right,

but, uh, is there anything
I can help you with?

Oh, no thanks, Dad.

Uh, Hank told me everything.

Oh, he did? Well, that's fine.

You're not nervous about
tomorrow, then, huh?

Oh, heck no, Dad.

The caddy master was
sure glad to see me,

and he ought to know what
kind of caddy Mr. Donnigan wants.

Well, how much
they going to pay you

for lugging that guy's
baggage all over the meadow?

Uh, whatever Mr. Donnigan
wants to give me... about ten bucks.

Ten bucks, huh?

Well, that ought to
be enough to buy you

two butterflies... and a net.

Yeah.

Well, I'd better hit the sack.

Now?

It's only 7:30.

Friday night?

He must be sick.

Well, I want to
be in good shape.

Mr. Donnigan and me tee off

at 9:00 tomorrow morning.

Uh, "Mr. Donnigan and I."

Good night, Rob.
Oh, good night, Dad.

Oh, uh, bring me
Dad's club, Chip.

Go ahead, Chip.

Here, better take the ball, too.

He'll need that.

Well, I, uh, hope everything
goes okay for him tomorrow.

Well, what can go wrong?

Well, you know how it is, Bub.

Anytime you anticipate

that everything's
going to be great,

like Robbie is, lots
of things go wrong.

Oh, that's a lot of malarkey.

A bunch of fatheads

b*ating a little ball to
death all afternoon...

What is there to that?

Well, when you put it that way,

I guess there's
nothing to worry about.

Here you are, Douglas.

Here's the rest of
Mr. Donnigan's equipment.

Now, you take good care of him.

Yes, sir. Hi, Rob.
How's it going?

Oh, hi, Hank. Hey, are we
in the same bunch together?

Threesome, not bunch.

Uh, yeah, I guess we are.

Did your dad fix that up, too?

He must have, but I can't
figure out how he did it.

He's in Pittsburgh this week.

No kidding? Yeah.

Hey, uh, where
does this go? Uh...

Uh, right there. Oh...

Hey, Donnigan must be expecting

Hurricane Hazel, huh?

Oh, I-I think I heard
somebody say it might rain.

He's got everything
there but a tent.

You know, old
ladies carry that stuff

around the course
with them when they're...

Uh... Good-bye.

Yes, sir, ri-right away, sir.

Mr. Donnigan, I'm your
cobby, Raddie Doug...

I mean, I'm your
caddy, Robbie Douglas.

Well, good.

Here, take these.

Thank you.

Are you going to use all these?

They're practice balls.

Now, if you're going
to caddy for me,

I want you to respect my wishes.

Oh, yes, sir.

I'm a very nervous man.

I didn't come here to be
criticized by your friends.

I came here to play golf.

I'm sorry, sir, I won't...

Furthermore, I don't want
any advice from my caddies.

I don't want you to
tell me what iron to use,

or how far it is to the
green, or how to putt.

I just want you to keep your
mouth shut and tote this bag.

Are we making music?

Well, speak up, boy.

Uh, I can't.

You wanted me to
keep my mouth shut.

Right.

Oh, uh...

You see this
little rabbit's foot?

Yes, sir.

Well, before you give
me a club, I want you

to give it a little lick with
this rabbit's foot, for luck.

What month you born in, boy?

Uh, June.

June... oh, that's good.

Gemini's always
been lucky for me.

Oh, Mr. Donnigan,
you forgot your tee.

I sure hate to say this,

but Donnigan is
burning up the course...

Six under par for 17 holes.

Yeah, I must be
bringing him good luck.

Looks like you went into
the woods, Mr. Donnigan.

Never mind where it went.

Just go down there
and find that ball.

Yes, sir.

Oh, brother, what
am I going to do now?

Hey, that's not
too bad of a lie.

Must have hit that
tree and kicked out.

Oh, Mr. Donnigan, I just
want to... Don't talk, boy.

You'll break our
spell of good luck.

But Mr. Donnigan... Here, give
this a lick with that rabbit's foot.

But Mr. Donnigan, I...

How about that,
boy? Right on the flag.

Something tells me I'm gonna
win this man's tournament.

Mr. Donnigan... Mr. Donnigan?

But Mr. Donnigan...

And this concludes our broadcast

of the first round of our
36-hole invitational tournament.

For those who tuned in late,

it's Danny Donnigan
leading the field

at the end of the first
day with a sparkling 66.

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow
for the second and final round.

In the meantime, those of you

who are planning
to attend the...

How do you like that?

Robbie's golfer is
leading the tournament.

He's lucky he has Robbie.

Yeah.

Now, you're not going to put
that away without washing it.

Even if I licked it clean?

Especially if you
licked it clean.

Congratulations, Robbie.

I just heard on the radio

your man's leading
the tournament.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you're not
very happy about it.

Oh, I'm happy, Bub.

You looked happier than
that when you had the mumps.

Why not? He didn't have to
go to school for two weeks.

Have some.

Oh, no thanks, Chip.

Well, uh, laughing boy,

you better go and
get cleaned up.

We're gonna eat
in a little while.

Yeah, okay.

How do you like that guy?

Mike, there's a
question I gotta ask ya.

Ask me the question, but
take your feet off my bed.

Do you know anything
about the rules of golf?

I probably know enough

to answer anything
you could ask me.

Well...

suppose this guy's
in a golf tournament,

and he hits this
ball into the rough.

And-And his caddy...
By mistake, of course...

Uh, accidentally kicks the ball

out of the rough
into a good lie.

What a stupid caddy.

Oh, well, the caddy
tries to tell him,

but-but the pro just
won't let him talk.

He-He-He makes the sh*t

and he finishes the-the round...

and, uh, he... he
comes in first place.

Now, what would

the official ruling be on that?

Well, they'd-they'd
disqualify the pro,

if they found out about it.

And he'd lose the tournament

for something he never
had anything to do with?

Well, that doesn't
seem very fair.

Well, those are the rules.

Uh, what do you think the caddy
ought to do in a case like that?

Well, if, uh, if I were
you, I'd leave town.

Well, I don't think Robbie
should leave town, Mike.

How'd you know it was me, Dad?

Oh, I just took a s*ab at it.

I feel just awful about it, Dad.

I don't want Mr. Donnigan
to lose just 'cause I goofed.

Well, just don't say anything.

Keep your mouth shut, and
nobody'll know the difference.

Oh, you can't do that,
Mike. It wouldn't be honest.

And it wouldn't be fair to the
other pros in the tournament.

Robbie did something wrong,
and he's got to come clean.

Well, I tried to tell
him about it, Dad,

but he's got this
silly, superstitious rule

that nobody can talk to
him while he's playing.

Well, he's not playing now.

Well, I'd be afraid to
talk to him anytime.

He's got a terrible temper.

Here, I got an idea.

Just tell the Rules Committee,
let them take care of it.

Well, that wouldn't
be fair either, Mike.

If anybody's gonna tell
the Rules Committee,

it ought to be Donnigan.

We've got to tell
him personally.

I think Mike's right.

I better leave town.

Don't worry about
it, Rob. I'll talk to him.

He can be pretty rough, Dad.

So can I, Robbie.

Of course I'll be, uh,
talking to him on the phone.

Is, uh, Mr. Donnigan back yet?

Uh-huh.

Well, do you know
where I could locate him?

I see. Well, thanks very much.

Yes-yes, I'm sorry,
too. Thank you.

Well, he's still not back,

and they don't know
what time he will be.

What do you want to
bother the poor guy for?

Bub, you don't
seem to understand.

Robbie kicked the ball.

So, he kicked the ball?

So what?

There's probably
a lot worse things

than that going on
around these golf courses.

But this is a tournament, Bub.

It wouldn't be fair
to the other golfers.

So, it's a tournament?
How do you know

some of the other caddies
didn't kick the ball around?

Oh, now, Bub, you
can't justify what Rob did

with that kind of reasoning.

Well, what are we
gonna do then, Dad?

Well, I'm going out
tonight, but when I get back,

I'll try him again,
and if I don't get him,

I'll go out to the club
with you in the morning,

and we'll straighten
Mr. Donnigan out there.

And, uh, go to bed
when Bub tells you.

Good night. Thanks a lot, Dad.

That's the kind of
father I'd like to have.

Mr. Donnigan.

Sorry, but I'd like to talk
to you about your round.

I never talk to anyone
before a match.

It's bad luck.

But Mr. Donnigan,
this is pretty important.

You don't stop annoying
me, I'll have you thrown out.

Come on, caddy, bring my clubs.

You'd think a grown man'd
have more sense than to upset me

before an important match.

Yes, sir, you'd think he would.

Mr. Donnigan, before... Watch out
there, man. Don't step on that ball.

- No, no, no, I won't...
- Oh, it's you again.

I thought I told you
not to bother me.

Look, Mr. Donnigan,
there's something...

Nobody talks to me
while I'm playing a match.

Marshal, this man's annoying me.

I want him removed
from the course.

Oh, you can't remove
me. I have a ticket.

That only allows you to
watch, not to talk to the golfers.

But there's something
Mr. Donnigan ought to know.

Mister, don't make
me call the other boys.

Come on. Yeah.
All right, all right...

Give me my seven iron, Robbie.

I got it.

Rub it up good with
that rabbit's foot.

I'm gonna knock this
one right in the cup.

Look, I have to
talk to Mr. Donnigan

before this match
goes any further.

Look, mister, I warn you...

I'm little, but I'm
pretty good with judo.

I am not interested in your
athletic accomplishments.

Shut up out there.

Didn't anybody ever
teach you any manners?

Good sh*t.

We're standing on the 18th
green, ladies and gentlemen,

awaiting the very
exciting finale

to this wonderful
golf tournament.

This is the final threesome,

and Danny Donnigan is
leading by three strokes.

Ah, we did it, Robbie.

I'll be in the locker
room in about 20 minutes

- and we'll settle up, huh?
- Congratulations.

What are we gonna do now, Dad?

Well, just what we
started out to do, Rob.

We'll wait for him in the
locker room, and we'll tell him.

After he won the tournament?
I know it's going to be hard

to tell him he has
to disqualify himself,

but I guess that's
what we'll have to do.

Oh. Well, you go on ahead, Dad.

I'll meet you at
the car. Oh, no.

No, we'll do this together, Rob.

And, uh, leave the clubs
with the caddy master.

I don't want to get hit over
the head with a sand iron.

And Joe, that's the best golf

I've played in the
last seven months.

Looks like I'm gonna
have a good year.

Oh, hi, Robbie.

Hi, Mr. Donnigan.

Mr. Donnigan, I'm,
uh, Robbie's father.

His father?

Oh, I'm sorry I yelled
at you out on the course,

but, uh, I'm a
very nervous golfer

and I can't be distracted.

Got a good boy
there, Mr. Douglas.

I guess you came to
be paid, huh, Robbie?

Well...

Never saw a boy
who didn't like money.

Here you are.

$40 caddy fee.

Here's a little bonus for you.

Well, thanks a
lot, Mr. Donnigan.

Don't mention it.

You earned every penny of it.

Look, uh, Mr. Donnigan...

Dad, maybe we
better not tell him.

Tell me what?

I hate to say this to
you, Mr. Donnigan...

Especially now that you've
won first money... but, uh...

on the 18th hole yesterday,

Robbie accidentally kicked
your ball out of the rough.

He accidentally what?

I tried to tell you,

but you wouldn't let me
talk to you, Mr. Donnigan.

Don't you remember?
You thought the ball

hit a tree and
kicked out, but it r...

Do you realize this
can get me disqualified

from the tournament?

We know that.

Well, who else knows?

Nobody.

The Tournament
Committee, they don't know?

No.

And we're not
going to tell them.

We figured that's up to you.

I'm not saying
anything to anybody,

and you better keep
your mouth shut, too.

I'm not giving up $2,200

just because some yokel
caddy is a knot head.

Look, Douglas, I make my
living out on that golf course.

I haven't won a
tournament in seven months.

And if I'm not up there
in the money, I don't eat.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Donnigan.

You know I didn't
do it on purpose.

Sorry? What I ought to
do is turn you over my knee

and give you a good lickin'.

I wouldn't try that.

Oh, get out of
here, both of you.

Oh, Mr. Donnigan,
gee, we-we j...

Come on, Rob.

Uh, Dad, could
you wait a minute?

I don't deserve
that, Mr. Donnigan.

Good luck.

Well, I don't know
what else you expected.

It's a well-known fact

that most superstitious
people are basically dishonest.

Cut out the gab and
eat your breakfast.

Can't you see your dad

and Robbie don't want
to hear any more about it?

Bub, it's better to face
something distasteful

than to turn away
and hide from it.

Besides, you can't
hide from dishonesty.

It's all around us.

Well, a psychologist
in Bucharest figured out

that 13% of the people
getting on streetcars

try and sneak by the conductor.

How come Mike
talks so much lately?

He wants his dad to know
he's getting his money's worth

sending him to college.

Dad?

Do you think we ought to tell

the Tournament
Committee what happened?

I don't know, Rob. I
just thought he ought

to do the right thing
and tell them himself.

I guess a guy like that just
doesn't care how he wins.

Well, of course he doesn't.

He's basically insecure.

There's a guy in Aberdeen

who-who went around selling
houses he didn't even own.

It's me, Hank.

Come on in, Hank.

Oh, good morning,
Mr. Douglas, Mr. O'Casey.

- Mornin'.
- Hello, Hank.

Boy, Rob, I'm sure glad
they didn't blame you.

Didn't blame me for what?

Well, for kicking the
ball out of the rough.

Haven't you seen the paper?

Look, right there.

"Donnigan Disqualifies Himself

Because of Caddy's Error."

"'It was my fault, ' said
the disheartened golfer.

'My caddy tried to tell
me, but I wouldn't listen.'"

Well, he did it, Dad.

You know, I had
a feeling he would.

Something to eat, Hank?

Oh, uh, well, no
thanks, Mr. O'Casey.

I just had my breakfast at home.

Well, since when does
that make any difference?

Oh, well, uh...
well, maybe I'll have

a little of the
scrambled egg, okay?

Sit right down there
and eat the rest of this.

Help yourself to the
toast. There's plenty there.

There you are.

Well, Robbie, you
didn't get your carburetor,

but you, uh, got $17 worth
of experience, didn't you?

Yeah, I guess so, Dad.

I think I'm still too young
to appreciate it, though.

Well, maybe we can work it out

so you get the
carburetor anyway, hmm?

Boy, I bet Mr. Donnigan
sure feels terrible.

You know, Chip,

something tells me he
feels pretty good right now.

Well, of course he does.

He's relieved himself
from a great load.

It's like taking a
rock off his back.

Well, he would have gone
through the rest of his life

with a terrible guilt complex...

which would have
affected his golf playing,

and-and anything else
he tried to do in life.

There's a whole chapter
about it in my psychology book.
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