02x32 - Too Much in Common

Episode transcripts for the TV show "My Three Sons". Aired: September 29, 1960 - April 13, 1972.*
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Widower Steve Douglas raises a trio of boys.
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02x32 - Too Much in Common

Post by bunniefuu »

If I had three boys,
I'd never so much as

lift one of those
things. Oh, hi, Harry.

Well, I kind of enjoy
getting out in the yard,

after spending all
day in the office.

Sure, like I told myself
I needed the exercise

when my wife sent me
to the market just now.

Hey, I suppose we should see
more of each other than we do,

Steve, now that we're
practically in-laws.

What was that again?

Oh, nobody's mentioned
a ring or anything,

but haven't you noticed
that Mike and June

are practically never
out of each other's sight?

Well, n-now that you
mention it... Right!

They see each other so much,

they've reached
the old-shoe stage.

He knows what
she's going to say,

she knows what
he's going to say,

and I know what
they're both going to say.

It's pretty boring.

Are, uh, Mike and June coming
by here after the movie tonight?

Nope.

They parked the car here and
then walked down to her house

to make sandwiches
in her kitchen.

Those two are getting a
little predictable, aren't they?

Just like a timetable
at a bus depot.

But that's what you
get for going with a girl

who lives on the same block.

They haven't been going
together too long, though, Bub.

I know. They just
settled into a quick rut.

It was a good movie.

Yeah, Clyde Burkett
is sure a funny guy.

He sure is.

Mike, you're due
for a haircut. Right.

I can excuse anything

except blind ignorance.

How can anyone, even a
woman, be so completely illogical?

Hello, Mike.

Well, hi, Mr. Barker.

You know, I don't expect
everybody else to...

to always see things
just the way I do,

but that kind of sloppy
thinking makes me sick.

Physically ill.

What were you and
Mother arguing about?

We weren't arguing.

Your mother's been
asleep for hours.

But you said she was illogical.

Yeah, a-and a sloppy thinker.

Oh, not your mother.

That fool of a woman on
Zeno Tompkins' Radio Rostrum.

Oh, is that the show
where they call up

and argue about
different things? Yeah.

Well, why do you listen

to the program, Mr. Barker?

To relax.

Mike, it's nice to see you.

How is your dad?

He's just fine.

Well, you tell him we're
going to a ball game

again one of these days.

I will.

I-I'd better get
back in there now.

Now I suppose that
fatheaded female's

gonna argue the other side.

Why listen to a program
that's going to get you so upset?

Daddy really enjoys
listening to things

that he doesn't agree with.

Here, let me get that.

I guess some
people are that way.

Well, my roommate at
school, she's another one.

She and this boy
that she goes out with

see things entirely different.

Huh, I wonder how
they ever got together.

Or why they keep on
going with each other.

Yeah.

Mike, remind me to sew
that button on your shirt

before you go back
to school. Okay.

You know, I still think

we might've eaten
in the dining room,

as long as we're having company.

June isn't company.

I should say not.

Heck, Dad, she's just
like one of the family.

Only a little quieter.

Oh, I'm serving, huh?

I hope you like stew, June.

Oh, she loves it.

Well, now...

Chip... what are you doing?

A tiger always circles his k*ll.

Aren't you glad he said that?

I was afraid for a minute
he'd say something stupid.

Well, June, are you
still enjoying college?

Most of the time, Mr. Douglas.

Uh, help yourself to
some tomatoes, hmm?

Oh, June doesn't
care for tomatoes, Dad.

Oh, well, uh, maybe
some celery or olives?

She loves olives.

You made some, uh,
new friends, I suppose?

Oh, not a lot.

This first semester we're
pretty busy with classes

to be really, um, um...
Sociable. Sociable.

Of course you, uh, have weekends

to relax and get
acquainted, don't you?

But you've, uh, you've been home

almost every
weekend, haven't you?

We haven't missed one yet.

Would you, uh, pass
that to Mike, please, June?

Oh, would you give Mike
some more potatoes?

He absolutely adores potatoes.

I guess if there's one
thing you don't go for,

it's guys that show off.

Right, Dad?

Are-Are-Are we still
on the same subject?

Well, no.

I, uh, I think June's point is

that we're not going to college

just to rush around and
meet a bunch of new people.

I mean, that'd be sort of...

Adolescent. Yeah,
right, adolescent.

Yeah, well, when a
guy has a lot of talent,

he ought to be satisfied
with the pleasure

he gets out of it himself.

Why go spreading it around?

What are you doing, Chip?

I'm eating like a camel.

One hump or two?

Two.

Oh, that reminds me.

Will you pass the sugar, please?

I mean, college
sure is different.

I mean, the-the classes
themselves are so...

sort of... Impersonal.

Yeah, impersonal. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, I'm
sure not interested

in trying to impress anybody.

Well, that's highly
commendable, Rob.

Why are you eating like a camel?

In school, we're studying
the eating habits of animals.

Well, if your teacher needs
any first-hand information,

tell her I'm an authority.

Uh, do you agree, Dad?

On, uh, whether your
grandad's an authority

on the care and
feeding of animals?

I think the anteater's
got the best deal.

About me not
making a fool of myself

in front of a lot of people.

The rest of were going to
have apple pie for dessert,

but I'll try and scare
up some ants for you.

Robbie, this, uh, sudden
acute att*ck of modesty, uh...

it couldn't be
because you're playing

your trumpet in
the recital, could it?

Well, yeah. Oh, I don't
have to do it, do I, Dad?

Yes, of course you do.

Oh, but Dad, I'm supposed
to play this dumb number

called the... "The Little
Red Rooster's Serenade."

And I'll just make a
big fool out of myself.

Rob, if we have the
courage to listen to it,

you certainly can have
the courage to play it.

Yeah, well, I bet Josha Heifetz

wouldn't play "The Little
Red Rooster's Serenade."

In the first place, it isn't
"Josha," it's "Jascha."

And in the second place,
he doesn't play trumpet.

But he sure plays
a fistful of piano.

No, no, he doesn't
play piano, Bub.

Trombone?

Later on we're gonna have, uh,

cheese or ice cream
to go with the apple pie.

Thanks.

So long.

Excuse me. Oh, after you.

Thank you.

Uh, yes?

I'd like to check out
a copy of Agnew's

Survey of English
Chivalry, please.

Hey, I need the same book.

Well, you know you have to
use all the reserve books here

in the library, and, um... we'll
be closing in about an hour.

Oh, well, that should
be enough time.

Yeah, that's all right.

This seems to be the only
copy we have that's not in use.

Oh, well, you take
it; you were here first.

You would've been first,
if you hadn't waited for me.

So, who gets it?

Oh... Well... Why
don't we use it together?

Swell, if it's all
right with you.

Thank you.

And have the book back in
by ten minutes to 9:00, please.

All right. Thanks.

I'm Amy Bennett.

Oh, Mike Douglas.

Are you fast?

A-As a reader, I mean.

Just average. I like
to read through it once,

then go back and
take notes, don't you?

Well, I, uh, usually read
it through and take notes

as I go along, but I'll
try it your way this time.

There we are.

I wasn't expecting a treat like
this when I went to the library.

Well, neither was I.

Uh, two chocolate
shakes, please.

If you don't mind,
I prefer vanilla.

Oh, I'm sorry. I...

I should've asked you,
instead of just assuming

that you like the same
things as... as I do.

I guess, really, the only
thing I know about you

is that your name
is Amy Bennett.

And you're Mike Douglas.

So we start off even.

Um, what time do
you have History?

8:00.

Oh, I'm in the 10:00 section.

With the whole freshman class

trying to read about
English chivalry,

I think they need a few
more copies of Agnew.

I don't know, I'm not so
unhappy they just had one tonight.

I've never seen you at any of
the weekend parties or dances.

Oh, well, that's because I
usually spend the weekends

at home with, uh, my family.

Well, I can imagine that
must be a temptation.

But I think it's important
to make new friends.

College friends.

It's too easy to hang on to
the kids you knew in high school

just because they're comfortable

and they don't make
any demands on you.

Yeah.

But still, old
friends are the best.

Old friends were
new friends once.

Yeah, I... I
suppose that's true.

I saw a great
movie last weekend.

The new Clyde Burkett picture.

Do you like Clyde Burkett?

Well, sure. Don't you?

Not especially.

Don't look so shocked.

I-I guess I-I thought
everybody liked him.

Why do you like him?

Why?

Well, because, uh...
well, because he's, he...

You know, I don't
know. I never really

thought about why before.

Because you never met
anybody who asked you.

I like plays better than movies.

All right. Why?

Because there's an excitement
in watching real people perform

that... that you
don't get in a movie.

Well, I haven't been
to that many plays.

Because you don't like them?

Oh, no. It's just been that, uh,

movies have been
easier to go to,

and I've never had a
friend who liked to go

to plays that much.

Well, that's what's
so great about college.

New people and new ideas,

new points of view.

Huh. Yeah.

Thank you.

Chip, uh, are you planning
on going out tonight?

No. Well, you'd better
take that jacket off.

It's a little warm
in here for it.

I know.

You know, it seems
the more he practices

that rooster thing,
the worse it sounds.

Yeah, if he keeps it up,

I'll never eat fried
chicken again.

Chip, take that jacket off now,

before you melt. I can't.

Dad, uh, I was
thinking about, uh,

not coming home
next weekend. Oh?

I don't blame you.

Uh, why can't you
take it off, Chip?

The zipper's stuck. Oh,
why didn't you say so?

Come over here, and
I'll see if I can unstick you.

They're, uh, they're doing

Adam and the Apple in
Center City, and I thought

maybe I'd, uh, stay
there and see it.

Road play, huh?

It's been a long time
since I've seen a road show.

I may drive up there
with you and June.

Boy, this is really stuck. Have you
got your shirt in there or something?

Looks like I'll have
to sleep in it. Yeah.

Well, I, uh, I wasn't really
planning on taking June.

You're going to take some
of the boys up there with you?

Maybe we ought to
call the fire department.

Elwood Greener got his
hand stuck in a carpet sweeper,

and they called the fire department.
- Oh?

Well, there's
this, uh, girl I met.

I thought maybe I'd
take her to the play on

Saturday.

Her name's, uh, Amy Bennett.

Well!

Well, did, uh, June
and you have a quarrel

or something? No.

How come you're taking
another girl to the play?

Well, it is kind of
awkward about June.

I mean, this, uh, date with Amy

doesn't really mean anything.

But, uh, June'll be expecting
me home next weekend.

I, uh, was wondering.

What do you think is
the best way to handle it?

There's only one
way to handle it...

Don't tell her
anything about it.

Oh, come on, now,
Bub. Uh, Chip...

It's bad enough to lie to
people you don't know,

but June's father is
a friend of mine. Oh.

Okay. Who's the wise guy
who put this egg on my chair?

Probably some hen responding
to your, uh, mating call.

Boy, you get
funnier every minute.

Hey, uh, Dad,
I'm kind of getting

a lip blister here on my lip.
Oh, well, why don't you practice

on the side of your mouth
and give the middle a rest?

Then you'll be all
ready for the recital.

Boy, y-you sure have a goofy
way of cheering people up.

Well, uh, Dad, do
you think it'd be okay

if I, uh, made up an
excuse to give June?

Chip, put your arms
up over your head.

Maybe we can get this
off without unzipping it.

No, I don't, Mike.

Why not?

What she doesn't
know won't bother her.

Now, take this chick I
met in, uh, Punxsutawney.

Uh, Mike, say, give
me a hand here, huh?

Hey, Dad!

It's, it's not like... Wait
a minute. Wait a minute.

Dad! Come on. It's not
like there's anything serious

between Amy and me. Hurry up!

I just thought, uh,
maybe for a change, Dad!

One date might
be stimulating. Dad!

Don't... not too hard. Dad!

Look, put your
hands down in there

and hold his ears in.

Hurry up.

Mike, the only thing you
can do is tell June the truth.

Dad, come on! I
can't do that, Dad.

She'd never understand.

Oh, I'm sure she'd understand.

Oh, of course he'd understand.

Just tell Mike the truth.

Oh, no, Daddy.

That's the last
thing I could ever do.

You say this new boy,
uh, what's his name? Uh...

Ken. Ken.

Ken means nothing to you?

Not really.

He's interesting and...

and sort of unpredictable.

Well, Mike is certainly
not unpredictable.

He's like counting your toes...

You come up with the
same answer every time.

Uh, more coffee, honey. Mm-hmm.

That's why Ken fascinates me...

for one date, maybe.

Why can't you just
explain this to Mike?

I mean, after all, honey,
Steve is a friend of mine.

I just can't.

You don't know Mike, Daddy.

Maybe I could just b*at
around the bush a little bit

tomorrow night after
the show. You do that.

When it doesn't work, you
just come right out and tell him.

There they are.

Another night, another sandwich.

I hope Harry doesn't mind
them eating up all his food.

Well, you're not up on
the timetable. Hmm?

Tonight's the night
of the big switch.

They eat over here. Oh.

Friday night... movie,
they eat at Barkers'.

Saturday night... movie,
they eat at Douglases'.

He kisses her
good night at 12:42.

Hi. JUNE: Hello.

Hello, June. Hi, Mike. Hi.

Well, I, uh, guess
he hasn't done it yet.

Done what?

Oh, tonight he was going to try
to change all that. Well, I hope so.

He might as well be
drafted as be the way he is.

Say, uh, who was that guy

that Millie was
with at the movie?

A boy she met at school.

What about Ed and her?

I don't know.

Of course, I suppose that
one date with this new guy

doesn't mean that Millie
and Ed are all washed up.

Is that the way you
feel, that it's all right

to date a lot of
different people?

Oh, me? No, uh, but,
uh... some people do.

I mean, look at Millie.

She probably just got lonely,
with Ed so far away at school.

Yeah. Well, we're
lucky, I guess.

At least we see each
other every weekend.

Yeah.

June, uh, about
next weekend... Yes?

What about next weekend?

Looks like there's a good show.

Yes.

Yaws Hanafry and April Rains.

I guess I've seen every
picture they ever made together.

You, uh, you don't have any
plans for next weekend, do you?

Oh, n-no! Well, why
do you ask me that?

Well, I thought maybe
there might be some reason

that you'd rather stay at
college instead of coming

all the way back to
go to a show with me.

Oh, of course not.

I-If you're going to
be here, I'll be here.

Well, if you're going
to be here, I'll be here.

Hi. Hi.

Oh!

Oh, Mike Douglas,
this is Linda Prentiss.

Hi. He is cute.

Hi, d*ck.

A simple "hello"
would've been enough.

I've lost my disaster cream!

Oh, Amy, about this weekend...

Oh, I talked to
Mother last night.

She and Dad saw the play
in New York and loved it.

Yeah, well, you see, I... You're
standing on my Humanities One.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just don't know
what I'm going to do.

I can't go to French class
without my disaster cream.

Linda's in love with
her French instructor.

Oh! Does this, uh, cream

cause disasters or prevent them?

Funny.

It can work either way.

Oh, Mike, you were saying
something about this weekend?

Oh, yeah. Well, when I
talked to you about it last week,

I-I thought I'd be able to... I

found it in my ballet slipper!

Oh, I bought a new
dress for the play, Mike.

You did?

It's dreamy.

Yeah, well, I...
Well, look, I gotta go.

I've got my next class
way over in Science.

But Amy... I'll see you later.

Uh, I'll take that, unless
you want it as a souvenir.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

30 seconds to
make myself lovely.

You think I can do it?

Uh, don't answer that question.

Oh, let's see what it says.

"Dear Dad, when you see
June, just casually mention

"that I had to stay at the fraternity
house this Saturday and Sunday

"but will see her next
weekend, as usual.

"Hope you get this
special delivery in time.

"I know I should have told
June myself, Dad, but I'm...

"I'm chicken.

Your grateful son, Mike."

You've got one son
that's a little red rooster

and another one that's chicken.

I shouldn't let Mike do this.
What are you going to do?

I'm surprised June's not over
here now to see where he is.

Just because he gets himself
involved with a couple of women,

I don't see why I have
to end up in the middle.

Mike should've told June
that he had to stay at school.

Well, I guess he
didn't want to lie to her.

Well, he doesn't seem
to mind you doing it. No.

There she is now.

Only four minutes behind
her schedule. Come in!

Hi, Bub. Steve.

Hello, Harry.

Well, I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

No, no, Harry. We're just, uh...

Uh, sit down. Oh, thank you.

Well...

Doesn't seem much
like Friday night.

Oh?

Mike hasn't been
over to our house.

No, I, uh... I guess he hasn't.

He usually checks in as soon
as he gets home from college.

Yeah. Yes, he does.

He's just like a trained seal.

I, uh, I suppose, uh,

June's a little upset that,
uh, Mike hasn't been over.

No. She's not upset.

Oh?

As long as Mike doesn't
seem to be around,

maybe, uh, you could give
him a message from June.

She, uh... she won't
be home this weekend.

Uh, schoolwork keeping
her there, I guess.

Hmm? I guess, yeah.

Uh, she said to tell Mike she'd
see him next week, as usual.

Oh, fine, I'll, uh, I'll
be glad to tell Mike.

Well, I'd appreciate that.
Thank you very much.

Oh, don't, uh, rush off, Harry.

Say, uh... why don't we all go

to the ball game
tomorrow, if it's a nice day?

That'll be fine, except that the
teams are playing in Chicago.

Oh... sure.

Well, so long.

Good-bye, Harry. Bye, Harry.

I hope you're going
to enjoy the play.

Oh, well, even if I don't,

it'll be fun trying to
explain why afterwards.

Oh, let's look at the
pictures of the cast.

I saw him in a play last year.

Would you mind
if I met you inside?

Where are you going?
Uh, I thought I'd go in

and, uh, try and look for some
advance schedules of the plays.

Oh. All right.

Hey, they're almost sold out.

I sure was lucky to
get these. Let's go in.

Uh, can I have my ticket stub?

I have a phone call to make.

Oh, there you are.

Uh, did you get the schedules?

Well, no. They were out of them.

Oh.

Oh, hi. I thought
you'd gotten lost.

No, I just saw someone
I didn't want to talk to,

but it's all right now.

Uh, oh, I-I think we
have, uh, 21 and 22.

That's right. And
we have 23 and...

Can you see?

I'm sorry.

Oh, brother.

Hey, careful with
my trumpet, Chip.

Yes, be careful with that, Chip.

History was made with
that trumpet this afternoon.

Yeah, I'll bet there's not
very many guys who could get

an encore playing "The Little
Red Rooster's Serenade."

You were good. I
couldn't believe it.

Good? He's got two
offers to sign him up.

Oh, booking agents?

Poultry houses.

Honey Lips Douglas.

Oh, Steve?

Oh, hi, Harry.

I've got a bone
to pick with you.

You know, when I turned
around last night and saw you,

I thought it was the end
of the world. You did?

But actually, that was the best
thing that could've happened to us.

Otherwise, who knows how long
we'd have gone on pretending?

Yeah, and we still
wouldn't have reached

an understanding like this.

You go out with
whoever you want to.

And you do the same.

And if I want a date with
you, I will ask you for it.

Right. No more taking
each other for granted.

Yeah. Hey, wasn't
that play great?

I didn't think so.

You didn't?

I thought it was awful.

Why?

Well, if... if you really
want to know, I'll tell you.

Well, the thing that
frosted me a little, Steve,

was that you let me stand
there like a ninny, when you knew

all the time Mike was pulling
the same stunt on June.

Well, I wouldn't exactly
call it a stunt, Harry. Oh...

Dad! Hmm?

My zipper's stuck
again. Oh, not again.

The way I see it, you see,

I had all the embarrassment,

and you got off the hook, Steve.

Uh, Steve, you-you can't,
uh, fight with these things.

You know, y-you've got to nurse... nurse
this down. We had this trouble before.

That's it. Well, it was stuck in
the same place the other day.

There we go. I just
couldn't see any point, Harry,

in-in both of us
being embarrassed.

That's why I didn't say
anything. No, b-but you see,

you-you left me with the
feeling that-that my daughter

was the only one
that was sneaky.

We-We-We'd better
slip this over his head.

Well, that's what we did... Up.

Look, when you get
right down to it, Harry,

I think maybe both the
kids were a little sneaky.

Wait, wait... take... Dad?

You-You-You're missing
the point, Steve. Dad!

Sure, they were
both sneaky. Dad!

But I was the one
with the red face.

Your logic is a
little twisted, Harry.

Dad! No one enters a
fight when the fight is over.

Oh, now you're using
words on me, Steve.

Harry, what did
you want me to do?

- Hey! Simply this...
- Come on, Dad!

When I told you about June,

you should have told
me about Mike. Dad!
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