03x07 - Dan's Boss

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Night Court". Aired: January 4, 1984 to May 31, 1992.*
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Honorable Judge Harry T. Stone is a young, hip, jeans-wearing liberal eccentric presiding over the night shift of a Manhattan courtroom -- which means his views on various cases aren't always normal, nor are his judgments.
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03x07 - Dan's Boss

Post by bunniefuu »

Excuse me.

I know we haven't been
formally introduced...

...but I was wondering.
when you get off from work...

...if you haven't made
any dinner p|ans...?

Steak and Brew. : .
Wear something tight.

In Manhattan.
The number for Spandex for Less.

It says here they're down to
three candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize.

I would k*ll for one of those.

I don't know how to be delicate.
but it would seem...

...that one of the prerequisites for winning
a humanitarian award is that you be....

Human.

Why are you interested
in a Nobel Peace Prize. Dan?

Career advancement.

Of course.
I lost my head there for a second.

Excuse me. I'm afraid I'm a little lost.

I was wondering if you could direct me.

Certainly. first left. take the corridor.
and then follow the yellow brick road.

I cr*ck myself up.

Who are you?

Dan Fielding. Can you say that?

I'm Vincent Daniels. your new boss.

Can you say that?

I'll expect you in my office immediately.

Heigh-ho. heigh-ho...

...it's off to work I go.

BERNIE: Florence.
FLORENCE: Huh?

Florence. I was thinking.
before we rushed into things...

...maybe it would be a good idea
if we got to know each other a little better.

Why?

Well. there are a million questions
I'd like to ask you.

And I'm sure there are a million
you could ask me.

Go ahead. ask me any little thing
your heart desires.

Ever do it to Twisted Sister?

Talk is cheap. Bernie.

Vincent Daniels wanted me to tell you...

...he's gonna be sitting in with Dan
on tonight's session.

-Thanks.
-Have you seen that guy's credentials?

Yale Law Review. Supreme Court clerk.

The highest rate of convictions
of any DA in the state.

How do you think Dan's
gonna handle working with him?

You ever discuss jurisprudence
with a Muppet?

Ask a stupid question....

I hate him.

-Because?
-That job was mine.

I busted my chops for years.
what do they do?

-They give it to Santa's favorite elf.
-Oh. Dan.

And then he lectures me.

He sits with his little feet
on top of his little desk and lectured me.

He happens to be one of the
best-qualified prosecutors in the state.

Perhaps he b*at you out
for that job fair and square.

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES]

My favorite is.
"How's the weather down there?"

Mine is. "How's the view?"

I've heard that one a thousand times.

[BOTH CHUCKLINGI

Ever see Rocky and Bullwinkle?

Watch out. Dan.

Mr. Fielding. I'm only going to interject
when I think it is absolutely necessary.

-Mm. Light docket tonight.
-That's about the size of it.

IGAVEL BANGINGI

Yeah. the gavel works good.

-What do we got first?
-We've got some burglaries...

-...attempted arson. bodily assau|ts....
-Surprise me.

Arnold Preminger. attempted arson.

-Lovely choice.
-Oh. thank you. sir.

-Defense requests a psychiatric--
-Whoa. Miss Sullivan.

I would like to hear the particulars
of this case before we pass judgment.

Mr. Preminger believes aliens
from the gaseous nebula Gamma Seven...

...are infiltrating the municipal work force
in their continued quest for domination.

You were saying. Miss Sullivan?

-I have proof.
-Mr. Preminger--

Front page. New York Times.

They've invaded every area
of the work force.

"Evidence of alien hiring."

Mr. Preminger.
this is an article about immigrants.

From space.

Your Honor. the empire recommends
we beam the earthling...

...aboard the sl*ve colony
at Terra Bellevue.

IBREATHES HEAVILYI

Oh. my God.

Mr. Fielding.

Excuse me.
Vinnie the Pooh wants to see me.

WOMEN:
Oooh....

Hey! You can forget
those Christmas cards.

-What?
-Mr. Fielding.

Ethics aside. I found your comments
to the defendant disgusting...

...and totally unacceptable.

So. what's your point?

My point is. I'm going to show you
how I want things handled in this court.

-I have been doing this job for eight years--
-Sit!

Look. listen and learn.

I hated you in E.T.

And in conclusion. Your Honor.
I would like to cite a relevant precedent.

Namely. Green v. Wisconsin,
. in which--

You mean Greenberg v. Wisconsin.

Greenberg. right.

-As I was saying--
-And it was .

-What did I say?
-' .

Hey. you got the state part right.

How clever of me.

With all due respect
to counsel for the defense...

...the Greenberg decision
was overturned by the Supreme Court.

It was a -to- vote
with one abstention...

...on August th. .

-I believe it was a Thursday.
-It was a Tuesday.

I'm just kidding.

I know.

Defense have anything to add?

I respectfully decline. Your Honor.
on the grounds that it may incriminate me.

Mr. Fielding?

Her turn-ons are sunshine. smiles
and Bert Convy movies.

Dan. Yo. Do you concur with Mr. Daniels?

Well. if the pointy little shoe
with the bell on the toe fits....

Okay. I don't see any reason we can't
continue this case till the next session.

We will take a short--

I mean. a little-- I mean....

-"Short" is fine.
-"Short" it is. Short recess.

Fielding. I've got a problem
with your attitude.

Did you say "attitude"...

...or "altitude"?

Your behavior is bordering
on insubordination.

-Now. you listen to me--
-No. you listen to me.

I'm giving you one week
to clean up your act.

Is that understood?

Understood?

-Yes.
-Yes. what?

Yes. you little ba--

Barrister.

Fielding.

I don't think we see eye-to-eye.

You wanna see eye-to-eye?
You want to see eye-to-eye?

Okay. here's one more.
Vincent Price in The Fly.

Help me. help me. help me.

-Great news.
-What?

I've been fired.

-No.
-You're kidding.

It's true. I've just been promoted
to former assistant district attorney.

Oh. wow. Congratulations.

Poor Dan.

Just kidding.

Oh. even so...

...it seems a shame to see a man's
whole life go down the tubes like that.

It's like the th century mathematician
and philosopher René Descartes once said:

"You hoist your boss. you pay the price."

-Here he is.
-Thank you. Bull. where did you find him?

In the men's room
b*ating his head against the tile.

Well?

Well? What do you expect
when you behave like an inconsiderate....

Diseased piece of vermin meat?

Dan. I feel sorry for you. I really do.

I have seen the sensitive side of you.
so this really shocks me.

Frankly. I was just beginning to like you.

So sex is not totally out of the question?

I'd rather sleep with Attila the Hun.

Hey. Christine. wait up.

She wouldn't.

Oh. Well. I gotta go check on my roast.

Yeah. I know. You're disappointed.

And I know that you are prejudiced jerk.

Well. so would you be
if you were in my shoes.

It's very easy to be a bleeding-heart liberal
from where you sit.

Try working for Vincent Daniels.

Dan. everyone has the right to work.

-Of course. In circuses. amusement parks.
-Dan.

Damn it. Harry. I wanted that job.

Dan. from the bottom of my heart...

...I am truly ashamed of you.

See you.

Be sure to put down
your doctor's name and phone number.

I never filled in a medical report
for a date before.

Safety first. Bernie.

Florence. about tonight--

Oh. listen. you better put down
your next of kin too.

My hot tub's been acting
a little funny lately.

IKNOCKINGI

Yeah?

Wondering if I could bother you
for a letter of recommendation.

Exactly seconds. huh?

What is the job market for village idiots?

Harry. don't you realize yet
that it's a matter of dignity?

Oh. I know that.
You are in need of some.

I am a full-grown man
being forced to take orders...

...from somebody
who should be named Spanky.

All right. Fielding. that's enough.

I will not sit and listen to you
denigrate another human being...

...just because
he happens to be feet tall.

Actually. I'm ' ".

Sorry. Vincent. This foot-in-mouth disease
seems to be contagious.

VINCENT:
Forget it.

I just stopped by to let you know...

...that a new prosecutor
will be taking over after the lunch break.

Fine.

-Gentlemen.
HARRY: Vincent.

I want you to know
that I think Dan Fielding...

...is ignorant. bull-headed
and just plain stupid.

About that recommendation . . ..

And I'm probably crazy for thinking this.
much less saying it out loud...

...but I believe that underneath all this junk
there is something that is salvageable.

Would you reconsider?

I suppose. If he apologized.

Dan.

Uh....

l.uh....

I was wrong. He's gone from stupid
all the way to brain damage.

I can't. I just cannot apologize.

That's okay.
I know exactly how you feel.

-You do?
-You've got your pride.

You've been humiliated.

You had to suck up to a man
who sits on booster seats in restaurants.

[LAUGHS]

That's pretty funny.

Shut up. Velcro head.

I know all about humiliation. Fielding.
believe me.

Pee wee. munchkin. runt.
dwarf. PY my. midget.

I think I've heard them all.

Kids can be very creative
when they tease you. you know.

You see. I stopped growing
when I was years old.

But. then. apparently. so did you.

Look. I am sorry you were born that way.

Hm.

That's exactly what my father said...

...just before he left.

Your father left?

I guess it was rough on him.

His friends' sons played baseball.
his carried the water bucket.

His friends' sons played football.
his carried the water bucket.

To this day. I go crazy
every time I go by a drinking fountain.

You mean your father walked out
just because you were...

'--Petite?

The night before he left...

...I heard him tell my mother
that it was his fault.

He said that I was
a punishment from God.

But my mother was a intelligent
and caring woman.

And she finally explained it to me...

...that it wasn't my inadequacies
he couldn't deal with.

It was his own.

Is it true you can hang yourself
with your own belt?

You can do it with your own words.

Vincent. I am truly sorry
for everything that I said and did.

You may sh**t me
in the vital organ of your choice.

AP |ogy accepted.

I'll get back to you on which organ.

In the meantime. get those cases together
for the rest of the session.

You're taking me back?

Yes. Because I think
you're being sincere.

Also. I've seen your conviction record.
You're good.

But most of all. I'm taking you back...

...because it will give me the opportunity
to make your life a living hell.

You think you're a tough customer?

Well. move over. buster.

Because I'm the toughest.
I'm the meanest...

...I'm the nastiest little man
God ever put on this earth.

I'm going to make you run.
I'm going to make you jump...

...I am going to make you
slither on the ground like a snake.

God bless you. sir!

-I don't understand him.
-Neither do I.

But together we can have some fun
abusing him till we do.

Dan apologized? Our Dan?

Very same.
It was really kind of beautiful.

He really listened.

-So he's working?
-Well. I wouldn't exactly call it working.

Yes. sir. I can pick up
your dry cleaning on the way home.

It's more like groveling for dollars.

And you typed up all the plea bargain
motions for December?

-Yes. sir.
-The conviction ratios?

Oh. yeah. stuck in my pants.

Oh. Fine.

Now. about my car....

Light wash. no wax.
I can have it first thing tomorrow.

Fine. Tomorrow. what?

Tomorrow. my lord.

Good. Now toss me a salad.

Oh. and Fielding...

...got any spare change
for the vending machine?

I'm a little short right now.

Did you hear me. Fielding?

I said. I'm a little short right now.

Anything you would care to say?

A little nervous about your date. Bernie?

No. I'm afraid for my life.

Oh. come on. Bernie.
It's just sweet. little old Flo.

She sent me a box of whips.

That must be a joke.

Oh. I see the party favors arrived.

Florence. about dinner tonight.

Oh. forget dinner.

What the hell. let's just shack up.

I can live off your savings
and devote myself to my hobbies.

Did I ever mention the motorcycle club?

Actually. it's more of a g*ng.

Florence. we have to talk.

Sure. what topic?

Well. it's kind of private.

That roast should be done by now.

-Florence. it's not going to work.
-It's not?

Don't get me wrong.
it's not that I don't find you attractive...

...it's just. well...

...I'm used to a certain pace
when it comes to relationships.

Like?

Like you're a Corvette
and I'm a milk truck.

Oh.

I'm sorry. really I am.

Well. I guess if that's the way you feel.

It is.

And listen. who knows?

In a few years...

...after you'll have gotten all of this
out of your system....

Goodbye. Florence.

Goodbye. Bernie.

Ee-vah!

-He bought it?
-Bought it?

That c|own's gotta be halfway
over the river by now.

All right!

-I sense a conspiracy.
-Yes. sir.

See. I told Florence
what a nuisance Bernie was with Selma.

I figured it was a matter of time
before he started bothering Florence.

So we just decided
to b*at him to the punch.

Being irresistible must be tough. huh?

We manage.

You know. I still can't believe...

...Bernie actually bought
all that stuff we concocted.

The line about the motorcycle g*ng
was my favorite.

Motorcycle g*ng?

Ready. angel?

FLORENCE: Oh. anytime. doll.
-We better get a move on.

We gotta link up
with guys from Sickle and Skull...

...and still make the Jersey border before
the highway patrol throws up a barricade.

Some of us were born to run.

[LAUGHING]
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