01x05 - What Price Glory?

[bunniefuu]

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'd like a chateau In Paris ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt
About it ♪ ♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ But I can Live without it ♪

♪ If I've got A
friend like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Shake me loose ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

Oh, hot news!

Stop the presses!

News flash.

You'll never guess
who was caught

in the Xerox room
with Dave the Doofus.

Sheila "You want it,
you got it" Robinson.

How'd you know? Well,
evidently Dave forgot

to turn off the copy machines.

There's copies of it
all over the building.

Some things are better
left to the imagination.

Oh.

This is one of them.

No, Ruth, I don't think
writing your autobiography

would be a bit premature.
Marty, don't be silly.

Oh, brains, beauty,
talent, and so successful.

And at what, Ruth?
How old are you now?

Twenty-six? Twenty-seven?

Marty, you are
such a bootlicker.

Don't stop.

(chuckles)

Oh, and, uh,
thanks for letting me

buy you lunch, Ruth.

You know, just being
around you, I absorb so much.

I think you're full of it now.

RUTH: Oh, well... What
a magnificent woman.

You know, you can't
help liking this guy.

(chuckles)

Twenty-seven, ha!

Twenty-seven in dog years.

Ah, I'm smoother
than a baby's behind.

That's funny, Marty.

I always thought of
you as a horse's behind.

Same to you, but
more of it, Wilson.

Whoa! Now, there's
some snappy repartee.

Will you ever recover, Kip?

Oh, I doubt it. The
man has a lightning wit.

The man is also the
youngest account executive

in the history of this agency.

Of course, I mean, we all
know the key to your success.

(all smooching)

(scoffs) Oh, I'm wounded.

I'm so upset I'll hardly be
able to drive my new Porsche.

(snickers)

(mocks laughter) Oh, Amy,

when Dr. Bob calls, have
him transferred to my office.

Hey, wait a minute!
Hey, time-out!

Dr. Bob is our turf, Bursky.

Wrong.

The campaign for
Dr. Bob's medical clinics

is a free-fire zone.

How about a free-fire
zone on your head?

(Kip and Henry yelling)

RUTH: Boys!

Well, I wish you
could hear yourselves.

Now, one of the things that has
always made our agency great

is the spirit of free
competition that we practice.

I like to think of it as...

As a pack of wild hyenas
tearing at a zebra carcass.

Nice imagery, Ruth.
Oh, that's beautiful, Ruth.

You're a real Edward
Hopper, you know that?

Let's just step
back for a moment

and ponder the greatness of
what we're about to do here.

Now, Dr. Bob is going to
be the first physician ever

to advertise nationally,

and we want to do
the same kind of job

for his clinics as we did
for Ed's Frozen Meatsicles.

HENRY: Oh, really.

Oh, that's right.
Who could forget?

♪ Pork Pops ♪

♪ Sausage sundaes ♪

ALL: ♪ And your favorite ♪

♪ Chicken in a cone ♪

That was top-notch.

I hope we can match that.

Well, I hope now we begin
to understand one another.

And, boys, for heaven's sakes,

as far as Dr. Bob goes,
may the best man win.

Thanks for the vote
of confidence, Ruth.

She said, "May the
best man win," Marty,

(door closes)
not the best virus.

Sticks and stones
may break my bones,

but names will never hurt me.

I got a stick.

I got a stone. Let's
break some bones.

Hey, Kip... Come on. Come on.

I was just kidding...

( upbeat theme playing)

Now, we're gonna make sure
that women in this hotel are safe.

Amy and Sonny are gonna show us

that height is not necessarily
to an attacker's advantage.

Ladies...

Hi-ya!

HENRY: I can't wait for dinner
tomorrow night with Dr. Bob.

Yeah, we're gonna pitch
our ideas against Bursky,

and the boy wonder is gonna
be eating crow Parmesan.

We'll get him.

(Isabelle giggles)

Boys, you have just
witnessed a demonstration

of how to ward off an attacker.

By throwing a blond at him.

My lap likes you.

Welcome.

Kip, you should let go.

Today I learned how to drive
a man's nose into his brain.

Bye-bye.

Okay,

now, for my next
demonstration, I need a man.

Do I have any volunteers?

Kip? Henry?

Uh, we're late for that
Shari Lewis concert.

That Lamb Chop. I...

Kip, I want you to try to
grab Amy from behind.

Okay, come on, Kip.

Yes. Come on, Kip.

Henry, watch this.

I'll ref.

(sighing): All right.

Come on.

Let me know if...
If this hurts you.

Watch this, Henry.
I learned it today,

and I think I'm
pretty good at it too.

You should never underestimate
the power of a woman.

She almost broke my hand!

Now, if there's anything else

a potential mugger
hates, what is it?

Liver.

(laughing): That's
a big one, Henry.

(laughs)

Lilly, you should really
pay more attention.

I mean, something like
this could save your life.

Well, karate is a good
exercise, I suppose,

but it doesn't have
much stopping power.

I pack heat.

Heat? You know, a
rod, a gat, a piece.

A g*n?

Sure.

I've found that a
gaping chest wound

will take the fight
right out of a man.

You wouldn't actually, uh, use
one of those things, would you?

No, not really.

(Lilly and Isabelle laugh)

Not unless a man
looked at me funny.

Remember when women used
to carry around powder puffs?

Now they carry Lugers.

Okay, uh, picture
a medical library.

We get, uh, Robert Young.

He's, uh, leafing through
his medical journal,

he looks up at the
camera and says...

"Kurt, why so jumpy?

It's just another
malpractice suit."

(laughing)

Oh, boys. Uh, Kip, Henry,

I'd like you to meet
Dr. Leonard Bob.

Oh, I'm sorry you boys
couldn't make it to lunch.

Well, I thought we were
having dinner tonight.

Oh, didn't you boys get my memo?

Memo?

Well, sure, I put it right here.

In plain sight.

Wouldn't want it to blow
away now, would we?

Where's the little
doctor's room?

Uh, right... I got it.

Uh, to the right.

Can we, uh...? Can
we chat for a sec?

Ugh. Why would I want to waste
my energy talking to you two?

But then I find I always
do have time for my friends.

Okay, Marty, lesson one.

This is my favorite pencil.

I love this pencil.

(pencil snaps)

You, I don't even like.

You don't scare me.

We know what you did, Marty.

That's why we're gonna
shred your tongue.

Okay, so you scared me a little.

Uh, come on, boys.

Is... Is that gonna make
you feel better, huh?

Physical v*olence?

Make me feel much
better. A whole bunch better.

MARTY: Guys! Come on.

Kip! Henry!

Ah! Oh, Dr. Bob.

How good to see you again.

Ruth, oh, Ruth, where
did you find this prize?

Oh.

In a box of cr*cker Jack.

(Marty laughs)

Now, what was that idea
you were telling me about

over them frozen
daiquiris? Now, you tell Ruth.

Uh, well, uh, I
was thinking, uh...

RUTH: Mm-hm.

We'd run a promotion.
Call it "Stump the Doctor."

If we can't make a correct
diagnosis within 48 hours,

the patient pays nothing.

(snickers)

Marty, come on, Dr. Bob's
a professional man.

A man of science.

Stump the Doctor. I love it.

And the beauty part is,
if we can't figure it out,

we'll tell them
it's back trouble.

(both laugh)

Oh. Oh, I... I like it.

Uh, what did you
boys come up with?

Uh, let's see now. Uh...

Uh... Uh, dignified
office. Yeah...

No. No.

Uh, satisfied
clients who... No, no.

Ah! The best in medical care.

No. No.

Sorry, uh, we...
We drew a blank.

It's a goose egg. Oh, well.

Well, let's go with
Stump the Doctor.

I mean, it's a
brilliant concept.

Well, what do you
say we make the deal?

Well, Ruth, I'd like to.

(pats behind) (chuckles)

But there's another ad agency
throwing me a little shindig

this afternoon and I
wouldn't want to disappoint.

Oh, yes, of course,
I... I see. I understand.

Besides, if I don't
get there soon,

that little old girl in
the cake is gonna die.

(all laugh)

What's your name,
honey? I'm Dr. Bob.

Yeah, well, I guess I'd
better get back to work.

If I keep hanging around
Ruth too much longer...

I'll start getting those
kind of thoughts.

Now... Now, guys. Now, come on.

Kippy.

Look at me.

What?

I like you, and I like
what you stand for.

Well, you like Bursky better.

Are you mad?

He makes my flesh crawl.

He hasn't got a
scruple to his name.

Face it, he's the
perfect ad man.

Come on, boys. You
could learn a lot from him.

(door closes) Kippy?

Yeah?

Mommy thinks we could
learn a lot from Bursky.

Mommy would sell
Grandma for a nickel.

( upbeat theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)

KIP: Okay, now, are you ready?

HENRY: Ready.

Wheel yourself down to
Dr. Bob's Medical Clinics today.

And for you shut-ins, our
operators are standing by

to give you an
over-the-phone diagnosis.

Se habla Español.

(laughs)

All cash and major
credit cards accepted.

Dr. Bob's Medical
Clinics. We care.

Because you pay us to.

What did you think?

Nah, it's too
classy for Dr. Bob.

The man gives medical
clinics a bad name.

He gives doctors a bad name.

He's about to give
us a bad name.

All right, I know
the man is a sleaze,

but he is also a client.

You know, maybe Ruth is right.

There might be a few things
we could learn from Bursky.

I just don't think we're
cut out to be so deceptive.

(mockingly): "I just don't think

we're cut out to
be so deceptive."

What are you talking about?

Will you look at this place?

Not cut out to be
deceptive. Look at this closet!

This is your dress.

These are your wedgies.

This is your shaving kit. And
what have you got in here?

Shalimar.

Everything else makes
my skin break out.

Not cut out to be deceptive.

We have been
impersonating Marlo Thomas

ever since we
moved into this place.

Henry, look, I am not
the first person to say this,

but nice guys finish last.

I like being a nice guy.

You like being last?

I hate being last, Kip.

I know what you're saying.

I want things too. Believe me.

I want a designer haircut.

I want hardcover books.

I want a real watch.

Look at this thing, huh?
The bunny's hands move.

I just...

I just don't want to
do it Bursky's way.

But we don't have
to do it Bursky's way.

We wouldn't be becoming Burskys.

On the inside we'd still
be decent, wholesome kids.

It's only on the outside we'd
be disgusting, superficial twits.

Then we've gotta ask ourselves,
how badly do we want to succeed?

Badly.

How much are we
willing to compromise?

A whole bunch.

Does the end justify the means?

A Porsche justifies the means.

A wide little air
flow... Kip, stop.

You don't have to convince me.

And it's not just the car.
It's a lot of other things.

But I'm just being a Pollyanna.

Kissing up to the clients
all is just part of the job.

No shame in... In
playing the game.

No, no. We've got
to fight fire with fire.

Guano with guano. You got it.

Out-Bursky Bursky.

It's not gonna change
who we are as people.

No, no, no. We know who we are.

Sure we do. No
reason for us to change.

(chuckles)

(all laughing)

Oh, what a night.

You sure know how
to party, Dr. Bob.

Seriously, I have
not had this much fun

since I gave that hygiene
lecture to The Rockettes.

(all laugh)

Whoo!

He's beautiful.

Isn't he beautiful?
(laughing): Oh, yeah.

That's beautiful.

Oh, I'm sorry, doctor.

Here we go, here we go.

It's a shame old Bursky
couldn't be with us.

Yeah, I don't know
what happened.

I, uh, left him a memo.

I got it right here.

(all laugh)

Maybe he got lucky.

(all laugh) Oh, stop it!

(laughing): Oh... Oh,
isn't he something?

He's something.

Yep, I'm something.

(all laugh)

Oh, and this place.

Where did you
ever find this place?

Let's just say I
woke up here once.

(laughs)

You still got little tiny
splatters of mud all over you.

Well, yeah, you're
gonna catch a little splatter

when you're sitting ringside
at female mud-wrestling.

Welcome to the Club Uganda.

I'm your waitress, Madge,
Queen of the Jungle.

Well, you Madge, me, Dr. Bob.

(all laugh)

Cute.

Now, what can I get you bwanas?

Why don't you give us, uh, three
of them Congo Coolers, huh?

You're gonna love these. I
mean, you suck up two of these,

it's gonna blow you
right out of your hut.

Have fun.

(all laugh)

Oh, lookie here. Lookie here.

Hi there, sahibs.
Welcome to Uganda.

(plays choppily)

You sure that
sucker's in there, boy?

(laughs) (screams)

That man may have
poisonous snake venom

coursing through his body.

Aren't you gonna go help him?

What? And get slapped
with a lawsuit later?

No way, Jose.

Not only is he an
excellent doctor,

he's got a fine
legal mind as well.

Here's your Congo
Coolers, gents.

Oh, well, hey, how
about a toast, huh?

To the three of us?

Uh, through the
teeth, over the gums,

Dr. Bob and us are chums.

(all laugh)

Truth now, Dr. Bob,

isn't this more fun than
you had with Bursky

at that topless ice show?

Well, you've seen one pair of
skates, you've seen them all.

Well, excuse me, I gotta
see a man about a horse.

I'm gonna... Oh, okay.
He's right out there.

BOTH: Happy trails.

(screams, cries)

I can't go through with this!

I'm not gonna
make it much longer.

Make it go away.

It'll be fine. You're on
the home stretch, buddy.

He can't take us anywhere else.

I know he's gonna bring
up Brooke Shields again.

I tell you, Henry, nothing on
God's green earth is worth this.

Well, you're the one
who talked me into this

in the first place,
Kipper. Well, I was wrong.

I was dead-wrong. I admit it.

We sat and watched two women

hitting each other
in a vat of mud.

The scary thing is,
towards the end of it,

I started to like it.

Why do you do this to me?

We can't turn back.

I've already broken three
commandments tonight.

Well, look, Henry, we'll
just... Don't "Henry" me.

I was perfectly
happy being nothing.

But no!

I had to listen to you.

Now look at me.

I look like Arthur Godfrey.

You look great. Just
shut up and sit down.

Here comes Dr. Bob.

Oh, and he's got
three women with him.

Funny thing happened to
me on the way to the toilet.

(laughs)

Oh, Dr. Bob...

I want you to meet the
beautiful Crane sisters.

Oh, please, Dr. Bob.

This is Faith, Hope and Ester.

(chuckles)

My pleasure. How you doing?

It's a pleasure to meet you.

The pleasure's all ours.

We hope. (all cackle)

Sit down, girls. Sit down.

Get in here.

This is nice.

We're going to hell.

What did you say?

We're having a hell of a time.

Oh, so are we.

Oh, we're just in from Muncie.

That's in Indiana.

That's enough
of this small talk.

My wife is out of town.

We could be at my
place in ten minutes.

That's a swell idea. Aha!

Gotta think... Uh...
uh... uh... Uh... Uh,

the club, Dr. Bob.

We just got used
to this great place.

And there's a two-drink minimum

and we've only had
one monkey each.

Would you beautiful
Crane sisters

excuse me for just
one little tiny minute?

Ho-ho, isn't she darling?

Isn't she darling?

Whoo!

Boys, let me ask you a question.

Are you stupid?

Uh, no, it's just that, uh...

Well, let me put
it to you this way.

You are that close to
closing a huge account.

And you are that
close to losing it.

Aw, Dr. Bob...

Look at them.

(Dr. Bob giggles)

Don't you like 'em?

How could I say this? No.

Please, don't make us do this.

Say we don't have
to. You have to.

Well, what's the deal, boys?

Henry?

We went this far.

I guess we owe it to ourselves
to see the entire inferno.

We're with you, Dr. Bob.

Oh, I love you two monkeys.

One of you pay the bill.

( mellow theme playing)

Ruth's just gonna
have to understand.

We'll only go so
far for a client.

I tried to go through with it,
but when Dr. Bob put on "Bolero"

I knew it was time
to get out of there.

(all cheering)

RUTH: Congratulations!
You did it!

We got the account.

Oh, boys, oh really,

I... I simply
couldn't be happier.

Everything that I thought
you could be, you've become.

Mwah.

I'm just so insanely
proud of both of you.

And Mr. Rubinowitz
wants to have dinner.

With us? No. With me!

But I promise to talk
about you both endlessly.

Ruth? RUTH: Yes.

Might I suggest the Club Uganda?

I mean this from the
bottom of my heart: kiss, kiss.

(door closes)

If there was one thing I
knew deep down to my bones,

it was that talent would win
over bootlicking every time.

Congratulations, you guys.

You should be very
proud of yourselves.

Blow out your cupcakes.

Thank you, Amy. Thanks.

That's very nice of you.

(cackles)

You know, for...

Uh, somehow I didn't
think it would be like this.

Uh, I thought we'd be
jumping up and down

and slapping each
other on the back.

I didn't think there'd
be so much... nausea.

Look, we... We had to do it.

Did we?

I mean, is it gonna
be like this every time?

Welcome to the real world.

Well, you guys did it.

I can't begrudge you.

I can hate you, but I
can't begrudge you.

This could be the
big one, you know.

It can turn even guys like
you into vice presidents.

Oh, what I wouldn't
give to be in your shoes.

What are you doing?

Our shoes, take 'em.

Take them, the Dr. Bob
account, and run with 'em.

What, are...? You're kidding?

This is a joke, right?

This is the kind of
stunt I'd pull on you.

No, no, no. You and Dr. Bob
were made for each other.

Go on, take the
Florsheims. Get out of here.

You mean it?

Oh, guys. Oh, jeez.

Thanks.

Fools.

(sighs)

(both laugh)

He may be right, you know.

HENRY: How so? We
could have just passed up

a very big opportunity.

So how come I feel good
for the first time in 48 hours?

Because for the
first time in 48 hours,

we can look each other
squarely in the eyes.

Yep.

Sometimes a man's
gotta see his socks

to know where he stands.

Here's looking at you, cupcake.

( upbeat theme playing)

Hey, what are
you guys all doing?

Oh, we're looking at brochures

on the new group medical
coverage for the hotel.

Yeah, Dr. Bob's health plan.

Oh, I guess you guys
haven't read the papers, huh?

Dr. Bob's closing down
his entire operation,

and the government is
yanking his license on him.

ISABELLE: What?
The lesson here is,

never perform a
useless appendectomy

on the daughter
of a congressman.

I'm not surprised.

My doctor doesn't charge
extra for parts and labor.

You know, I wondered how
he could give same-day service

on a bypass.

Damn! There goes
my $40 face-lift.

I'll do it for 20.

( upbeat jazz theme playing)