01x15 - The Rewrite

[bunniefuu]

When we first came to New
York, we had a cheap apartment.

And we found out why.

Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building.

Dirt cheap. But it's
a hotel for women.

Okay. We made one adjustment.

Now these other ladies know
us as Buffy and Hildegarde.

But they also know
us as Kip and Henry,

Buffy and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy about
the blond. Heh-heh.

This experience is
gonna make a great book.

See, it's all perfectly normal.

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

Well, Miss Kitty, why
don't you just set up

three fingers of decongestant

for Matthew and Doc
and all my friends.

Eh.

So Hemingway, does the
old man catch the fish or what?

Well, I wanted to
get this all down

while it was still
fresh in my mind.

I mean, uh, two hours ago,

we almost had our secret
identities revealed, Batman.

That's right, old chum.

So let me read it, Boy Wonder.

Well, it's rough. You know, it
needs editing and polishing.

It's good typing, though.
I got a new ribbon.

All right then.
You read it to me.

Ah, you d... You
don't wanna hear this.

Good, 'cause Merv is
devoting a full 90 minutes

to Anson Williams tonight.

"It was a perfectly
normal day at the Susan B.

"Kip and I were
returning from the office.

The Kipman was feeling
under the weather."

Cold?

No, thanks, I've
already got one.

"I laughed. What the
hell? Keeps him happy."

I like it when you laugh.

It keeps me happy.

"Like I said.

"Anyway, we spotted Lilly.

She looked as happy as a
kitten with a kilo of catnip."

Hi, girls. I have
some mail for you.

Oh, Hildy, you got a
postcard from your mother.

Good news.

The lawn they
put in is doing well.

Bad news. Your
parakeet is under it.

I loved that bird.

"He was a good bird.

"I asked myself, 'Why Petey?

Why not my cousin Joel?'"

Buffy, you got a magazine
in a plain brown wrapper.

Oh, yes, that must be Buffy's
U.S. Nudes and World Report.

Why, I'm shocked and
appalled, and I'm going to send

this magazine back as soon
as I'm good and finished with it.

"It's a cold city.

"A guy gets lonely. A guy reads.

"Sometimes alone...
with a flashlight.

But I digress."

Pizza party! Hi!

Straight from the
oven, hot and bubbly,

and cheesy and drippy
and messy and crusty

and oily and... Yuck!

I don't think I'm
hungry any more.

"Amy had a way with words.

"A bad way. But I didn't care.

"A guy gets hungry, a guy eats.

"Just then a kitten glided into
the room with cat-like grace,

and paws and
furriness and stuff."

Girls, I got flowers
delivered to my room again.

My mystery admirer.

That's the second
time this week.

They're so beautiful
and tasteful.

Whoever sent them to
you must care for you a lot.

"Buffy popped for the posies.

"Buffy had a thing for Sonny.

Yeah, like a cat's
got a thing for mice."

Excuse me,

does anybody know what
room Amy Cassidy is in?

Well, hi, Ruth.
Yeah, she's up in 313.

Three thirteen, thank you.

"Buffy has the brains
"of a Brussel sprout.

I'd like to punch
Buffy's fat guts out."

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Did you just call me Ruth?

Well... uh... Uh,

yes, uh... Yes, uh... Yes, y...

Yes, she did. She did.

Uh, t-the woman...
The woman, uh, i...

Uh, has the power
of mental telepathy.

Beware of a man
from Nantucket...

Oh. It's going black.

I must rest.

It takes so much out of her.

She... she really...
She must rest.

Does anybody have
a whoo... Ha-ha, Ruth!

Ha! Ha-ha! How you doing?

For goodness sakes!

Have you taken
leave of your senses?

I merely brought you some work

which you stupidly
left at the office.

This is a very odd place.

Oh, you girls are
just as nervous

as cats in a thunderstorm...

Why don't we go outside?

I'll show you a gargoyle that
looks just like Victor Mature.

Amy, are you ill?

I always thought it
looked like Helen Reddy.

No, no, no, no, no. The thing's
a dead ringer for Victor Mature.

Henry, do you want an
honest opinion on this?

No, I don't. Okay.

I thought it was
very, very good.

I knew it. You're right.
The thing's garbage.

It's drivel, it's the
worst, it stinks.

But remember,
it's the first draft.

I know that. Don't be
so hard on yourself.

Did you know Doctor
Zhivago was originally called

Let It Snow, Let It
Snow, Let It Snow?

Did you know that?

Are you saying I need a rewrite?

Yes.

I mean, it's flat.
It's... It's dull.

It's uninteresting.

What do people like?

People like, uh...

comedy.

Okay, okay.

Sure, I can write
it as a comedy.

Therefore, a funny entrance.

Ah, ah, ah, ah... Thank you.

Ah!

Oh. I'm sorry. Hey,
pay her no mind,

she's just allergic
to rocks. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. She didn't mean it.

I'm sorry. She's very sorry.

Oh. So Buff, have
you got a cold?

No, I've got the Asian
Flu. Oh, what's that?

Well, you get over it, but an
hour later you're sick again.

At least it...

At least it gets better
mileage than the American flu.

That's true.

Take five, Krupa.

Boy, how did I get
booked in this toilet?

You must be with William Morris.

Five, six, seven, eight,

♪ Schlemeel, schlemazel ♪

♪ Hasenfeffer incorporated ♪

Hi, girls.

Hi, Lilly. Hi, Lilly.

Hi-lo.

I have some mail for you girls.

It's around here
someplace. Let's see.

Oh, here it is.

Buffy, it's a magazine.

Or it's a rain hat.

Or it's a defective
bulletproof vest.

Or it's a pup tent for midgets.

Or it's my plans
for the evening.

Now leave me alone.

Hi, girls.

It's cream pie.

And seltzer party!

Oh, boy!

If anybody wants
some, we'll give it to 'em.

Author's note.

The cream pie is a classic
device through comedy history.

Though accused of being obvious,

lowbrow and tasteless,

it nonetheless is a tried
and true laugh-getter.

We'd love some.

Postscript:

Thrown in the face of a
man dressed as a woman,

it is particularly funny.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is. Trust me, please.

Amy, the man said no, it's not.

sh**t.

Hi, Sonny.

Thank you.

Hi. Hi.

Isn't this beautiful?

Oh, yes, it's lovely.

This is the second gag
orchid I've gotten this week.

The card was signed,

"From your secret
admirer, Koko". Ha.

Oh. Amy, there you are.

Somehow you managed to
leave your work at the office.

Ruth. Ruth, look, why
don't we go outside?

I'll show you this gargoyle that
looks just like Henny Youngman.

Don't make me go out there.

I can't tell you how
cold it is outside.

Oh, how cold is it?

Well, I... I wanna tell ya.

It's so cold...

a flasher just gave me
a drawing of himself.

Thank you.

Gee, you know, New
York is a tough town.

Oh, how tough is it?

New York is so tough
that the Statue of Liberty

has traded in her torch.

She, uh, carries a
can of mace now.

Seriously, though,
folks, you know...

You know, my job
is... Is no picnic.

Take my boss.

Please.

Great lobby.

Amy, why don't you introduce
me to some of your friends?

Oh, okay. Well,
this is Isabelle.

Hi, Ruth. Hi.

And that's Sonny.
Well, you know Sonny.

Hi, Ruth. Hello.

And this is
Hildegarde and Buffy.

Hildegarde and Buffy?

Uh, have we ever met?
You look awfully familiar.

Cover your face.

With what?

All we have are pies.

No way. I'm never
gonna write a scene

where somebody
gets a pie in the face.

With what?

All we have are pies.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe people don't
always want the big yuks,

but... I will bet you cash money

that everybody would like to see

a little something
that they don't get

in their everyday life.

Like...?

Sex.

Sex, sex, sex.

Look at this.

Look at some of the
things people will buy.

Oh, come on,
Kip. I can't do that.

Come on.

That's a special, special thing
between a man and a woman...

and a hot tub...
full of shortening.

You gotta hang on
to this subscription.

I happen to like the stereo ads.

Look, ahem, Henry,

beneath that calm,
cool white-bread exterior

lurks the fires and
passions of an animal.

Huh? Heh-heh. Let him out.

Let it flow.

Let it live.

Ah-ha-ha! Save it. On
the paper. On the paper.

Do it on the paper. Okay.

I can write sex.

I've read enough Harold Robbins.

First you need a
great set of legs.

And then you need a great, uh...

Well, you see what I mean.

You need a good
sax played mournfully.

Kip and I were like proud cats

looking for hot meat.

I had to go and quit smoking.

Kip, have you a cold?

I've got a cold the size
of the Chicago stockyards.

What say we cut a
few from the herd?

There you are. It's very
good to see you again.

Yvonne, after.

They are so easy.

Isn't that a
coincidence? So are we.

That's funny.

Oh. A couple of live ones!

Hi, sailors.

Looking for a... good time?

Always, you
overly-trampled tramp.

You know, Lilly,

you run the best little
house in New York.

It pays to advertise.

I've got something
for you, boys.

What's that? Your bill.

In the future, when
you play, you pay.

How much is it?

Seventeen thousand dollars.

Kip, how could we have spent
that much money on women?

Volume, my friend. Volume.

Ooh.

Look. Men.

I love it.

Gentlemen.

I have champagne.

Take it, take me...

Take anything.

Probably not as romantic

if I ask you to drink
it out of my purse?

No, I didn't think so.

Amy... what have you got there?

I bring you a Pop-Tart.

Here is the pop...

and I am the tart.

Amy, don't...

Don't you know the difference
between sex and food?

No.

You wanna have
some lunch tomorrow?

Look... a perfect red rose.

Another gift from
my secret admirer.

And I'll never know who he is.

It's me. Hm. Right here.

It's not. Yeah, it is.

It isn't. You wanna bet?

Look, I even got a
receipt for the flower.

This reminds me.

I've got a bill.

You owe me $34,000.

Want some food?

Boy, am I glad I'm
on the American Plan.

That's what I call good eating.

Hello.

Oh, Amy. Say you, uh...

Just some foolishness
you left at work.

Can... Can I offer you some
champagne, oyster, corn dog?

Hm.

Oh, thank you. It... It looks
very tempting, but you know,

tonight, I... I have to
entertain the troops.

Oh, by the way.

If w*r should break out,

tell them the army
is at my house.

Come on. Come, ze darlings.

Come on.

I'm looking for a few good men.

Hold it. Stop it.
Hold it. This is trash.

I can't write like this.

You stop this now,
I'm gonna k*ll you!

Forget it, chicken
breath, we're going home.

No! You go home.
I'll see you in an hour.

No, this is it,
Kip. Say goodbye.

Ah. No, no. I can feel it.

I'm dissolving.

Not now.

Take me back! Take
me back! That's cruel.

That's cruel and unusual
punish... It was good for me.

Wasn't it good for you?

I'm sorry, buddy.
I want my story

to have more class than that.

It would have sold millions.
You should read it over.

Yeah. Just answer
me one question.

Do... Do... Do Sonny
and I ever, like...

Look, why don't you go
take a cold shower, huh?

I think I know what
the story needs.

Oh, you do? What?

A scene with a big finish.

Do I get to kiss Sonny?

No.

Well, then it stinks already.

Okay, a big finish.

I've got a big finish.

Hi, girls. Hi, Lilly.

I have some mail for you.

Hildy, you got a package.

Sounds like a dead parakeet.

Pizza party! Hi.

Look at this. Look
at this. Look at this.

I got one with everything on it.

And I do mean everything.

Abbondanza.

I think I'll go get
a club sandwich.

It happened again, girls.

"Your mystery admirer."

Now... who could it
be, do you suppose?

Oh, it's probably Don.

No, Don's in Europe.

Alan.

No, Alan sends gold jewelry.

Let's see, David, Lenny, Chuck.

Don't you think it could
possibly be from Kip?

Nah.

Kip sends fun stuff...
like stuffed animals

and stuff you could
buy at a bus station.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Does anybody know what
room Amy Cassidy is i...?

Yeah. Well, take the elevator...

Just 313. Right up...
right up to the third...

Ruth!

Henry.

Kip.

She's turning blue.

Quick, Buffy. Do something.

Well, thank God for
The Phil Donahue Show.

I feel much better.
Much, much better. Mu...

What's everyone staring at?

Henry. Henry.

Henry? Henry.

Henry!

Kip!

Oh!

Freeze!

He made me do it!

I didn't wanna do
it, he made me do it.

Uh, there's a perfectly
logical explanation for this.

We wanted to tell you!

Kip, it's no good.

We... We've got to
tell them the truth.

The truth is what
we've got to tell them.

Uh... Uh, uh, uh...

All right. You want the truth?

We'll give you the truth.

We're not women.

We're not men.

We're aliens.

We're actually a
form of lima bean.

Show us to your corn people.

We want to make succotash.

Oh.

Sonny.

Sonny, Sonny,
Sonny, Sonny, Sonny

Does this mean we're finished?

Holy smoke.

Everything that could
have hit the fan has hit it.

This is your story.

Think up something
clever and get us out of this.

Hurry!

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

There's no place...

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

You know what I think, Dorothy?

What, Toto?

Well... I don't think
there's any story here.

I mean, we didn't get
caught. It wasn't that close.

It's just not that big.

I think you're right.

You know what else
I think? What's that?

I'm not gonna try to cater to
anybody else's tastes anymore.

Good for you. I've
got my own style.

Yes, you do. Someday
people are gonna line up

to read Henry
Desmond's new book.

I'll be one of 'em. Heh-heh.

I listened to my piper.

Nolo contendere.

I told my story.

Hm-hm. Yo, yo, yo.

Tell it, tell it, tell it.

It was a perfectly
normal day again

at the Susan B. Anthony Hotel...

except for one thing.

All the guests had
become the undead.

Kip Wilson craved human flesh.