01x19 - Cahoots

[bunniefuu]

When we first came to New
York we had a cheap apartment.

And we found out why.

Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building.

Dirt cheap. But it's
a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

Now these other ladies know
us as Buffy and Hildegarde.

But they also know
us as Kip and Henry,

Buffy and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy about
the blonde. Heh-heh.

This experience is
gonna make a great book.

See, it's all perfectly normal.

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohhhh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me To go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

Hey, there, Little
Red Henry Hood.

Hi, Amells.

It's such a beautiful day.

I thought we
might have a picnic.

Oh, this looks like
a pleasant spot.

Henry?

Yes, garçon.

Yes, garçon, she
is quite beautiful

and, well, she's with me.

I guess we'll both have
the Lobster humidor.

What? Oh, I'm sorry. Heh.

Lobster thermidor.

See? She's intelligent too

and she's with me.

See, we're even
by a babbling brook.

Yes, she does
have a great set...

Sonny, Sonny, Sonny,
Sonny, Sonny, Sonny.

Shall we go?

Our reservations await.

Kip, I can't go.

Say what?

Sonny. Heh.

Sonny, Sonny, Sonny,

I-I sort of already
tipped the maître d'.

Now, that's a buck and a
half I'm never gonna see again.

I'm so sorry, but
I just found out

that Bob Fosse's holding
open auditions today.

Oh, Kip, how can I
make it up to you?

Come on, you silly
little mambo head.

Now, you just go and you
become a star, darn you.

You're such a sport.

Thank you.

Don't worry about me.
There'll be other lunches.

We get 'em everyday
here, you know.

It's the law.

Just come back and see me soon.

Take it easy.
Bye-bye. Thank you.

Tear 'em up. I will.

Bust a leg or
whatever it is you say.

I can't believe this is
happening to me again!

Amy, you didn't have to go
to all this trouble just for me.

I didn't go to all this
trouble just for you, Henry.

I did it just for us.

That's nice.

H-Henry.

Henry.

Mm-mm? What? What
is... What is this copy?

"Eat Quackers, put
a web-footed friend

in your mouth"?

I mean, really, come in here.

Oh, yeah, all right. - Henry.

We'll just work through lunch.

Okay, work through
lunch. You and me.

Okay. Sorry, I
gotta... I gotta...

Henry. It's been very nice.

Ruth loves bananas,
so I... Thanks.

What's wrong with
"web-footed friends"?

What is it? Too hip?
I thought it was good.

Damn!

Well, I made all this food.
You might as well eat it.

No, I'm too depressed to eat.

Me too.

We are not making very much
progress in our romance lives.

Have you noticed? Hmm.

You know, the only
reason I work at this office

is so I can be near
Henry, heh-heh.

The only reason I live
at the Susan B. Anthony

is to be near Sonny.

Wait a minute.

I'm receiving a hot news flash.

What?

You live with Sonny.

I live with Henry.

There are things we
could do for one another.

Are you suggesting détente? Da.

Da, Da, Da, which is Russian
for "you better believe it."

Sonny is absolutely
driving me crazy.

I cannot get this
woman out of my mind.

Ha! You, crazy? All right.

Okay.

This is my Henry graph.

I never thought I
would be showing this

to another human being.

This is my Sonnyometer.

Now, here's me.

Look at this. Petting
is way up here.

Boy, I don't even
have petting on mine.

I can help you out
with that. Yeah?

Let's go get some lunch.

Is something wrong, Henry?

I can't open the door.

Oh, well, um, Kip
had the lock changed.

Didn't he give you a new key?

Why am I always
the last to know?

Now, what's a person to do?

If I don't get to
a refrigerator,

my chicken parts
are gonna go bad.

Why don't you bring
your chicken parts

over to my place?

All right. Well... Okay,
that'll do. Thanks, honey.

Okay.

You owe me.

Hey, nice bathroom.

You know, Kip hates pantyhose.

Me, uh, well, I like 'em
in winter. They're warm.

In the summer, my
legs feel like kielbasa.

It's a... It's a garlic sausage.

You've probably never
had one. Heh-heh.

I don't know how much
longer I can keep dressing

like Jekyll and Heidi.

I'm a perfectly normal man.

I have the same needs
and wants as any other man.

Hold that thought, Henry.

Well, I mean, I'm no
different than any other guy.

You know, Henry,

without getting
gushy or anything,

you're the man I'd
most like to be stranded

on Gilligan's Island with.

Oh, thanks, little buddy.

Say, listen, uh...

Uh, if you want to lie down,
go ahead because I can, uh...

I can always read.

Well, then, read my thoughts.

Would you care for a Quacker?

Another duck-flavored
snack treat?

They're dithpicable.

Oh, what an
adorable Daffy you do.

Now, that calls for
some champagne,

you scoundrel.

Oh, hey, Star Death.

Great. My favorite
game, let's say.

To you.

To me.

To us.

Yeah, put it down
on the table, will ya?

I got a meteor
shower at 4 o'clock.

You know,

I love the little
boy in you, Henry.

Hey, hey, come on, come on.

I don't know, it's just so cute,

so adorable.

It's so sexy.

I saved the universe! Ha-ha.

But then again, that
quality can really stink.

Can I peel you a grape, Henry?

Heh. No, no, no, thank
you. Uh, tell you what.

You got an apple over there?

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

Throw me that orange.

An orange.

Okay, throw... Throw
me the other apple too.

Yeah. Oh, yeah!

Henry.

Henry!

Huh? Henry.

This is not what I had in mind.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I
know... I know it, uh...

I know it's not what
you had in mind.

I mean, I almost...

Oh, tonight is not my night.

Who is it?

Hi, Amy. It's me and Lilly.

If you need me, I'll
be on the fire escape.

Okay. See ya.

You're wrong.
Damn wrong. It's five.

This better be a
matter of life or death.

It is impossible to have
a serious conversation

with anybody so stubborn.

Admit you're wrong.
Go ahead, admit it.

Go ahead. I dare
you. What is going on?

How many times was
Elizabeth Taylor married?

I have 50 says it's six.

Five. Five, five, five, five.

All right, all right,
I'll figure it out.

Okay, there is Conrad
Hilton, Michael Wilding...

sh**t, I always
forget Michael Wilding.

Pay up, sucker.

Watch it.

Mike Todd, Eddie Fisher,
Richard Burton, Richard Burton,

John Warner, seven.
You're both wrong. Okay.

No, no, no. Richard
Burton's only one man.

Yeah, but they were married
twice. Now, come on. Come on.

You know, Lilly, I think
we're both being kinda silly.

Okay, now will you
please both leave?

I'm real tired.

Mickey Rooney,
double or nothing.

You're on. Now,
who did he marry?

Good night. Good night.

Okay, Henry, okay,
you can come out.

You can come
off the fire escape.

He's not on the fire escape.

Henry?

Henry, where are you?

Oh, my God. Did he jump?

Maybe I came on too strong.

Henry!

Five, six, seven. He's finished.

I didn't go down, Sugar Ray.

I didn't go down.

Who is it?

It's me, Amy, let me in.

Kip, I think Henry
jumped off the fire escape.

Another tragic dating death.

Nice going, k*ller.

I am not joking, Wilson.

He went out my window
and then he disappeared.

What do you want
me to do about it?

I did my part. I changed
the locks on the doors.

What do you want
me to do about it?

Go jump out after him!

Just go out and check
the fire escape again.

He's probably out looking
at the Chrysler Building.

Well, golly. Hi, Henry.

Why on Earth did you change
the locks without telling me?

They were dirty. You
see those old locks?

They were rusty from... You
ought to see the new ones.

You can see yourself.
You wanna look?

Why did you leave
the window open?

Don't you think it's
time we got a pet?

Come on, little pigeon.
Hey, boy, come on.

Little pigeon, little pigeon.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

I live with an idiot.

Things were a little strange
over in Amy's apartment.

They're getting
stranger over here.

With Amy it's like
she's the panda

and I'm the new
gift from Red China.

You should be flattered.

I should be protected.

I should be showered.

And I should remind you,
pigeons are rats with wings.

Henry.

Henry, it's me, Amy.

Amy, now is not
a very good time.

You forgot your clothes.

All right, I'll get them to him.

And the candy I
bought you. Great. Okay.

And the flowers. All right.

Look, will you just...?
And your giblets.

Giblets. Fine. Henry!

Look, it's not a good time.
Will you just go away, please?

All right, now.

What are some of
Sonny's favorite things?

Oh, gee. Got a pencil?

Ow.

Okay, she loves
raindrops on roses.

Raindrops on roses...

And the little bitty
whiskers on the kittens.

Whiskers on kittens...

Bright copper kettles
and warm woolen mittens.

All right, slow down, slow down.

♪ Brown paper packages
Tied up with strings ♪

♪ These are a few
Of her favorite things ♪

Thank you, Maria. ♪
Boom-boom, boom-boom ♪

♪ But when the dog bites
When the bee stings... ♪

All right, enough!

Julie Andrews von
Trapp, just... Just...

Are you going to help me or not?

I helped you.

Oh, a lot of help you were.

Is it my fault Henry would
rather splatter on the sidewalk

than remain in the
same room with you?

Listen, I am not in
this for insults, mop top.

No.

What? You are in
this to get Henry.

And I am in this to get Sonny.

The insults are just a bonus.

Now, where's my list? Ow! Kip!

Where's my list?
Okay, I'll get you...

Give me the list,
now. Now. All right!

The list, the list, the list.

The list. God!

Okay. All right!

These are Sonny's
favorite things.

Golly. Thank you, Amy.

"Favorite food: Sichuan Chinese.

Favorite men's
cologne: Dragon Slayer."

Ha, do I gotta go
to Sichuan to get it?

"Favorite music:
reggae." Well...

"Favorite flowers..." She
likes candlelight dinners...

She likes blond guys...
I could dye my hair.

She likes blue eyes.
I could dye my eyes.

She likes illness.

What is this,
"She likes illness"?

You know, Sonny's a nurse.

She's good at giving
sympathy when you're sick.

Oh. Does she like sprains?

I could sprain my
wrist or something.

I could get, like, a
snap-on cold sore.

Well, hi, girls.

Well, hi, Kip. How
are you doing?

Imagine meeting you...
Amy, I almost forgot.

There's an urgent telephone
call for you out in the lobby.

Oh, you're kidding! For
me? An urgent phone call?

Well... I'd better get that.

Because it's urgent.

Imagine, uh, imagine
meeting you here, uh, Sonny.

What a coincidence.

Kip, are you wearing
Dragon Slayer cologne?

I love a man who
wears Dragon Slayer.

What a coincidence.

I am a man who
wears Dragon Slayer.

Listen, Sonny, I just passed
by this, uh, Chinese-food place

that was going out of business
and I thought, "What the heck.

I'll help them out."

Is that Sichuan?

I love Sichuan.

Another cowinky-dinky.

I am a man with Dragon
Slayer and Sichuan.

What's going on, here?

Uh, this is a restaurant.

We're gonna eat.

You have to eat our food.

We make a bigger
profit that way.

Oh, uh, all right.

Uh, bring us a couple
of root beers, please.

There's a $5 minimum.

All right, bring
us ten root beers.

Kip, would you be upset

if I only had two root
beers with my Sichuan?

She drinks like a bird.

Reggae, my favorite.

Whew.

Sonny, is it me or is it
getting warm in here?

No, it's probably
the hot mustard.

Here, have a shrimp.

No, no, I think it's definitely
getting hotter in here.

You're shaking.
Are you all right?

Sure, I'm fine.

Kip, you're shaking.

Huh?

And your pulse,
it's rapid. Too rapid.

Well, I... I guess it must be
some sort of a illness, huh?

Sudden weakness, chills, fever,

loss of coordination.

Any glandular swelling?

Oh, yeah.

I guess this is something that's
gonna require constant nursing

and around-the-clock
tender loving care, huh?

Delirium too.

Kip, I'll be right back.

I must make a call. Okay.

Is everything all right, here?

Oh, sure. Fine.

Except he has
the bubonic plague.

Sonny, I know
that cows can't fly.

I've seen them
play hockey, though.

They play hockey in Cleveland.

The sedative appears
to be taking effect.

Sonny, I can't have
the bubonic plague.

I had it as a kid.

♪ Sonny, Sonny, Son... ♪

Take him away, guys.

And to round out my night,

the paramedics
pumped out my stomach.

All right, Kip. Enough.

Why did you have to
come down with the plague?

I mean, why couldn't you
get a simple little sniffle

or maybe a little boo-boo?

But, no. You have
to get the plague.

Henry?

Oh, hi. Hi, you guys.
Hi, didn't see you there.

Hi, Kip. Hi.

Oh, sorry about
the snap diagnosis,

but with the Black Death it's
better to be safe than sorry.

Oh, pish.

Pish and tosh.

It'll make a funny
story, you know?

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing. Nothing.

Listen, uh, Amy and I
was thinking that, uh,

maybe the four of
us ought to go out

for a big night on the town.
What do you say, huh?

Yeah, you know, we found
this great little seafood place

where you spear
your own halibut.

All right. I mean, uh,
just for the halibut?

That's good. Mwah.

You're so witty.

What is...? What...?
What...? What is going on?

Uh... Kip, Amy, look, I... Uh...

This is so difficult.

I... I... I don't know
where to begin, really.

Honey?

Uh, I don't know, hon.

Well, come on. Just...
Just... Just tell us, would you?

We're adults. We
can take anything.

Kip, Henry and I are, um...

seeing each other.

No!

You two are what?

Amy, we tried to fight it.

For weeks we
tried to fight it. Uh...

I don't know. We were,
ahem, waiting last night for...

For Kip to get out of... Out
of the intensive care unit

and... And we just realized
it was too intense for us.

We... We couldn't
fight it anymore.

No.

No.

No.

No!

While I was getting
my stomach pumped,

you two were falling in love?

Sometimes it happens that way.

Look, you guys, I... I hope
this won't come between us.

We didn't... We... We
didn't plan it, really.

Oh, well, look, say, there's
no need to apologize.

Hey, as long as
you two are happy,

so are we, right?

That is right.

I... I... I too am... An
happy for the two of you.

Thanks, Kip, really.

Son?

Yes, honey.

Let's go.

We'll see you.
Hey, take it easy.

Bye.

Kip?

I hate you.

Amy, now is no time for
recriminations with furniture.

The woman I love has just
walked out of my life forever.

What about the man I love?

Who cares? That's your problem.

Think they've had enough?

Yeah.

Hey.

Guys... Henry
and I aren't in love.

What, did he mistreat you?

No.

No, no, no, you incredible bozo.

We were just playing
a game on you.

Sort of like the game
you've been playing on us.

You mean you both
knew what we were up to?

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

Listen, Amy, you know,

whatever's gonna
happen between us

has got to happen
naturally, you know,

not like some
summer-stock production.

Henry, I'm sorry.

Kip.

You don't know
how flattered I am

that you do the
things you do for me.

Gee, thanks. I...

I mean, to think
that you would act

like such a boneheaded
ninny on my account...

That's really touching.

A-a-a-all right, all right,
thank you, Sonny. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, do we all understand
each other a little better now?

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, to think that you
would fake having the plague

on my account. I
mean, that was so silly.

I mean, I can't believe it.
The... The... The plague stuff

was all, uh, Amy's idea.

My idea? I didn't make
up any plague stuff.

I can't believe you. You told me

All I did was... that
she liked illness.