03x18 - Could This Be Magic?

[bunniefuu]

Oh. the paychecks came already. huh?

Yeah. here's yours.

Most of this baby's going
right in my payroll savings plan.

Oh. You're lucky. I got expenses.

Now. what kind of dent could I make
with bucks a week?

You make $ a week?

Sure. how about you?

Wow. what do you do to get by on that?
Eat plaster?

[LAUGHING]

Excuse me. pal.

You got any spare change
for a guy who's been down on his--?

I'm sorry. I had no idea.

Okay. Mac. hit me with your best sh*t.

Philip Falcone. Your Honor.

Breaking and entering and resisting arrest.

All right. all right. slow down.
What is this. a track meet?

My compliments to your barber.

Or is it the gardener?

Your Honor, Mr. Falcone was arrested
while dealing a round of three-card monte...

...to a group of Yugoslavian tourists
right outside of Radio City Music Hall.

Sir. my client contends that he was merely
holding a crime-prevention workshop...

...in an effort
to promote East-West relations.

Sir. He was found with three decks
of marked cards and some money...

...which the police pulled out
from under his tongue.

Fabulous.

Sir. we're talking a wad of singles
and some phlegm.

You're the Fabulous Falcone.

He's the Fabulous Falcone.

This guy had the greatest magic show
was ever on TV.

It is a real honor to meet you.
I am a big. big fan. Mr. Falcone.

I guess I've been waiting all my life
just to shake your hand.

Guilty as charged.

No. ha. ha. the pleasure's all mine.

"The pleasure is all mine." Ha-ha-ha.

Is he a cr*ck-up or what?

Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. or what.

Mr. Falcone. I would consider it a real honor
if you would let me buy you dinner tonight.

I'll call my valet
and have him press my tux.

"Press my tux."

[LAUGHING]

What's with him?

Maybe he got a look at your paycheck.

[LAUGHING]

Anyway. uh. I happened to discover...

...that another one of the bailiffs
who's working here...

...is making $ a week more than I am...

...and. uh. I thought I'd just call
and find out why.

Oh. I see.

Well. when's he getting back
from Camp David?

Mm.

I have never seen a man eat like that.

-Reminds me of a guy I knew in college.
-Oh. Dan.

-Lenny the Lizard. we called him.
-Please.

-He must have had a tongue inches long.
-Oh. g*dd*mn you. please don't.

-He could pick up things off his plate...
-Oh. God.

...and kind of throw them back
into his throat.

Guess she thought
you were gonna get disgusting.

HARRY:
Hey.

"HeY. kids. what time is it?"

-You remembered. huh?
-You bet I remember.

Every week. you'd say.
"Hey. kids. what time is it?"

And us at home. we'd all yell back.
''It's magic time!"

You actually talked back
to a television set?

I was years old.
What the hell did I know?

What happened?

I mean. you had that TV show.
and now....

Well. I got hit with reality.

Both barrels right here.

They said it was a mild heart att*ck.

But just the same. I had to slow down.

I'm sorry.

A lot of people got it worse. Huh.

How about Al Jolson?

He's dead.

That's the point.

Uh. sir. here it is.

Oh. Mac. great. Where'd you find it?

Uh. it was in your closet...

...underneath the inflatable
Mary Lou Retton doll.

ICHUCKLING NERVOUSLYI

Oh. That-- That's a gag gift.

Heh. Whatever you say. sir.

-What's that?
-Guess.

-A box.
-A box. Ha-ha-ha.

I got a million of them.

It's the original Fabulous Falcone magic kit.
the one they advertised on your show.

I ran out and bought one.

Would you do one of these tricks for me.
just for old times' sake?

I'm sorry. kid.

You can't go back home again.

You still sick?

Oh. no. Ha. ha. I'm fine.

Well. then. what is it?

It's just that I lost my touch. Heh.

Look. I gave it a chance
about years ago.

Little club in Jersey. Heh.

I reached in my pocket
and pulled out a little pigeon.

It bit my finger.

And I produced a rabbit out of a top hat.

It bit my nose.

That night. I had them both for dinner.

Then I threw the Fabulous Falcone trunk
into the East River. and it sank.

Now. that's magic.

All right. I understand.

Maybe you need couple of bucks
to see you through. huh?

Oh. no. kid.
you're feeling sorry for me. Heh.

I don't need any pity. Nah.

What I need is--

Confidence.

-How's that?
-You need confidence.

You need a bunch of people applauding you
when you're doing what you do best.

Begging for pizza crusts?

No. Magic.

You need a hot crowd. Falcone.

And I know where we can find one.

You want us to watch some slimy old
wino do magic tricks?

Oh. you are gonna have
the time of your life.

I brought him here during the break.
pulled out a trunk of tricks.

He went right into practicing.
He's been rehearsing for hours.

This is gonna be great.

You all ready?

ALL:
Yeah.

HARRY:
"Hey. kids. what time is it?"

It's : .

Do you know where your furniture is?

Oh. isn't this airy?

He took everything.

Falcone took everything.

He took my computer.

He took my sofa.

He took my wax statue of Fess Parker.

Sir. if there is anything I can do to help you.
anything at all....

Why don't you let him
sleep with you tonight?

Dan. that would be improper.

Okay. why don't you let me
sleep with you tonight?

Mace! Woman. are you nuts?

Don't even kid around with it.
You could burn my face. blind me forever.

Uh. nice place you got here. sir.

Uh. I realize it's none of my business...

...but don't you think a beanbag
by the fireplace would be a nice touch?

Uh. Bull. heh...

...Harry's apartment's been robbed.

Oh.

What did they get?

You think it was such a good idea
to leave him alone last night?

Heh. Hey. I wasn't the one
who kicked him out of my bed.

I did not kick him out of my bed!

HARRY:
Hi. Mac.

Sir. why are you walking like that?

HARRY:
Because I slept in my bathtub.

All rise.

Criminal court part two
is now in session.

The Honorable Harold T. Stone...

...rapidly aging-

Sir. you look miserable.

Why don't you have Mac call a substitute?
You should go home.

And do what. wax my floors?

You wouldn't have to move anything.

[DAN CHUCKLES]

You care to buff them
with your face. Dan?

[IN HIGH VOICE]
Bye.

-Sir. you sure you're okay?
-Yeah. I'm fine.

I'd rather be here working than back home
rolling around on the linoleum anyway.

-Let's get on with it. huh?
MAC: Yes. sir.

David Evans. destruction of city property.

[FINGERS SNAPPINGI

Mr. Evans was arrested for bludgeoning
a city parking meter with a manhole cover.

Sir. my client pleads guilty and throws
himself on the mercy of the court.

He stole my Mel Tormé albums.

Oh. sir. no.

Did I miss something?

The entire collection.

Mel Sings At Carnegie Hall.
Mel Live at the Monterey Jazz Festival.

Mel's Best To You at Christmas.

Uh. sir. sir. excuse me for interrupting...

...but the boys downstairs just brought in
somebody you might wanna see.

Nice suit.

Picked it out myself.

Out of my closet.

They found him slumped in an alley
by Penn Station.

He apparently sold all your stuff to a fence
and was trying to skip town.

I trusted you.

I thought I could believe in you.

How could you?

What kind of man are you?

Hey. what am I. on trial?

Oh. yeah.

This chunk of lice was your hero?

Hey. none of us are perfect. ace.

-So that stuff about the heart att*ck was--?
-Sheep dip.

So let me alone. will you?

Besides. you don't have anything left
I can steal.

HARRY:
Wrong. Falcone.

I got memories.

Great ones.

Go ahead.
try to take those away from me.

Mr. Evans. you got a little upset.
you busted a meter.

I'm gonna fine you bucks.

Mr. Falcone.

You ripped me off
for everything I own in this world...

...and you broke my heart.

I'm not gonna press charges.

That sounds fair.

It is fair. Mr. Evans.

Because he's right.

It's my fault for believing in you.

It's my fault for thinking
you were somebody that you aren't.

It's my fault for giving a damn.

Take a five-minute recess.

Uh. listen.

Be careful walking across the street.

My brakes have been acting a little...

...funny lately.

You hurt him.

You hurt him bad.

And you just watch him
take it out on me!

Well. are you happy. Mr. Falcone?

You took the one man
that would've done anything for you...

...and you shattered him
into a thousand pieces.

You m*nled his dreams.
you twisted his memories.

You shredded the very tapestry
of his existence.

What's your point?

FLORENCE:
Uh....

Now. wait a minute. Uh. that's it?

That the best you guys can do?

You're dog meat.

You're insect larvae.

As far as I'm concerned. you're the slimiest.
most conniving two-bit mound of vermin...

...that ever walked into this room.

Of course. that wouldn't preclude us
to have an affair.

I'll take my chances with his bad brakes.

Excuse me.
I'm looking for a bailiff named Shannon.

-That's me.
-Oh. hi. Robert Marks with the city.

Which one?

Ours.

I'm an assistant
in the comptroller's office.

We checked our computer and found
our records on your seniority were in error.

You have been underpaid.

We'd like you to accept our apologies
and this check for $ , .

Now. that's the amount owed
plus interest.

Oh. wow!

I'd like to thank all the little people
who helped me attain this honor.

Uh. I just have to find a. uh.
Florence Kleiner.

Right here.

Oh. good.
Well. that saves some walking. heh.

Ms. Kleiner.
having reviewed the records of the bailiffs...

...we find that you've been getting level-six
pay even though you're on level-five status.

-Meaning?
-You're about to get leveled.

You owe us $ .

Don't worry.
we won't nail you for it all at once.

We'll just take it out slowly and gently...

...week after week after week.

[LAUGHING]

I love this job.

ICHUCKLINGI

Don't worry about it. Florence.

I'd be glad to lend you the money
to pay it all back.

In fact...

...I'd be glad to just give you the money
to pay it all back.

You'd do that for me?

After all the fun I made of you?

After I-- I laughed at you like that?

Why?

Because I love you.

Bull...

...I’m— I'm sorry.

{WHIMPERING]
I— I didn't mean....

[SOBBING]

Guilt is such a great w*apon.

[SNORING]

Oh. no. anybody but Manilow!

[YELLS]

[GASPING]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTING]

They're back.

Mel Live at the Palace is back.

Mel at the Hollywood Bowl is back.

Mel Sings with Cesar Romero is back.

FALCONE:
Hey. kids. what time is it?

I guess it must be magic time.

Not a bad trick. huh?

How the hell did you get in here?

Told your landlady I was a cop.

Dressed like that?

I told her I was Serpico.

I had no idea there was anybody here.

There's a fresh pot of coffee in there.

Who do you think made it. Hop Sing?

Nice place.

I like what you haven't done with it.

Coming from you. that means a lot.

Eh. I thought I'd stop by
and make a farewell appearance. heh.

I. uh. traded your suit for those albums.

The guy at the pawnshop wasn't too crazy
about Tormé.

Like you said. nobody's perfect.

Tell me about it. Heh.

Look at me. I conned a nice kid.

I sold everything you have for bucks.

You brought the albums back.

That shows some kind of remorse. huh?

Shows that you knew
how much they meant to me.

And you sold everything I own
for bucks?!

I was in a hurry.

Falcone. what happened?

I mean. what really happened
that changed your life like this?

Sit down.

Stand up.

All my life.
I wanted to be a good magician.

Not a great one. just a good one.

Well. I realized I never would be.
as hard as I tried.

It's that way in all fields.

Either you got it or you don't.

I don't.

But you looked so good on TV.

Heh. They gave me a fancy cape
and a beautiful trunk...

...and they made me look good.

They can make anybody look good
on TV. heh.

You never saw Sky King miss a landing.

Or Lassie wet on Timmy's little leg.

IFALCONE CHUCKLESI

And you never saw
how bad a magician I really was.

Who you kidding?

-You were great.
-Says who?

Says a -year-old who lives inside of me.

To him. you're the Fabulous Falcone.
and you always are gonna be.

Well. thank him for me. will you? Heh.

And good luck with the records.

Hey. wait a minute.

Where are you gonna go?

Ah. don't worry about me. I'll get by.

I got my eye on this nice refrigerator box
down in the Bowery.

Please stay with me for a couple of days.

No more charity.

No. no. no. this wouldn't be charity.

You could. uh--
You could do odd jobs for me. You could--

You could try to pay back
that money you owe me.

Well. I'd-- I'd like to do that.

Then it's a deal?

Yeah.

I could make coffee in the morning.
answer your telephone...

...clean up the house.

You gonna stay?

You want me to. huh?

Yeah.

I really do.

-It's a deal.
-Great.

-Welcome aboard.
-Glad to be here.

[KNOCKING ON DOORFRAME]

Did I mention my nurse?