01x19 - In a Jam

[bunniefuu]

Screwdriver.

Screwdriver.

Pliers.

Pliers.

No, no, no! Eject, eject, eject!

[SIGHS]

I found your problem.

Your shielded cable is
crossed with your power line.

But don't worry. I fixed it.

All right. Let her rip, Carl.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZES]

STEVE: Did I do that?

Hi, everybody.

Got anything in the fridge?

Urkel, don't your
parents feed you?

Not every day.

[CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY]

Urkel, cut it out.

Sorry. Just a little phlegm.

Anybody else hungry?

Not anymore.

STEVE: Ooh. Anchovy paste.

I have to keep my blood sugar
up. I haven't eaten since breakfast.

What about lunch?

Well, actually, I
haven't eaten lunch.

Every day in the cafeteria,
I'm accosted by this bully...

who takes all my money.

So don't give it to him.

You don't know Bull Wesson.

He'll rip off my face and
add it to his collection.

Unless of course I had
a big friend to protect me.

A big strapping kid who
could scare this guy away.

Do you know anybody
big like that, big guy?

Oh, no.

There's no way that I'm gonna
be seen hanging around with you.

- I'll pay you.
- How much?

Ten bucks.

Ten bucks, huh?

Okay, I'll do it.

Great.

Once Bull sees that you're my
bodyguard, he'll leave me alone.

Protecting one
seventh-grader from another.

This is gonna be the
easiest 10 bucks I ever made.

Great. I guess I'll go home
and make myself a sandwich.

You haven't lived till
you've had anchovy paste...

on a dog biscuit.

[CHUCKLES THEN SNORTS]

I've got an extra red sock.

And I got an extra green one.

Close enough.

Carl can wear
these for Christmas.

Quick, turn on the TV.

- What's going on?
- I'm on the news.

Hey, kids, come on downstairs.

Channel 13.

WOMAN [OVER TV]: The
suspect was apprehended without...

- Dad, what's up?
- Let's join Nick Murphy...

Dad's on the news.

NICK: Tell us what
happened, Sergeant Winslow.

Well, I went into the bank
to get change for a dollar.

- Everybody was like this: - That's
when you knew there was a holdup?

Well, it was either a holdup or
they were playing Simon Says.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So that's when you arrested
the suspect for bank robbery?

No, for cutting in
front of me in the line.

[BOTH LAUGH]

He's funny. Ha-ha.

And I'm Nick Murphy
reporting for Channel 13.

Hi, Mama.

Hi, Carl.

My son's a star.

[ALL LAUGH]

I hope the girls in my
canasta club are watching.

[CARL LAUGHS]

- You look great on
TV, Dad. CARL: Thanks.

Channel 13 thought so too.

They're giving me a tryout as
their afternoon traffic reporter.

- Oh, that's great, Carl.
- Ooh!

Hey, and if I do well
on Friday's 4:00 news...

- the job is mine.
- All right.

Does that mean you're
giving up being a police officer?

No, Mama. It's a part-time thing that
somebody from the department does.

- This is exciting, having Dad on TV.
- Yeah.

It's just like when Charlie
Brock's father was on television.

It's hardly the same thing.

Charlie Brock's
father was indicted.

You know, Carl, the last traffic
officer on Channel 13 was funny.

Now, if you're gonna
replace Officer Bud...

you're gonna need some
jokes and a new name.

What's wrong with "Carl"?

I don't know, it just doesn't
pop. It doesn't sizzle.

"Carl" doesn't say "traffic."

It says "farm report."

Rachel, Carl was my
great-grandfather's name...

and there's no way
I'm gonna change it.

Your great-grandfather's
name was Lester.

Carl was his horse.

I had my first allergy
att*ck when I was 9.

I was on the bus
on the way to camp...

when all of a sudden,
my eyes started to water...

and I started coughing
up all this green stuff.

Or was it yellow?

Mucus comes in so many colors.

Steve, I'm trying to eat.

What did I say?

Look, this bully is
not going to show.

He probably saw me and got
scared off. Mission accomplished.

- Pay up.
- Well, I guess it's okay.

Here's 10 bucks. Thanks, Eddie.

What?

No tip?

Man, I watched you eat.

Sorry. I tried to keep
my mouth closed.

Hey, Rod.

Wanna hang with
me this afternoon?

I'd rather eat dirt.

You should try sand.
It's a lot less binding.

Hey, rat face.

Hi, Bull. What a
pleasant surprise.

Gee, I'd love to schmooze,
but you caught me at a bad time.

Sit down.

Give me my money.

I don't have it.

You don't have it?

Uh... No.

I want double tomorrow.

And just to refresh my memory,
what happens if I don't pay?

Oh, yeah.

It's all coming back to me now.

See you tomorrow,
you little four-eyed twerp.

- Bull?
- What?

I... I'm not paying you anymore.

CROWD: Ooh...

What did you say?

[SPEAKS FAST]
I'm not paying you.

No one has ever said no
to Bull Wesson and lived.

No.

I'll see you here after
school tomorrow, shrimp.

You pay me then, or we fight.

Urkel, you can't fight that guy.
He's a psycho. He'll k*ll you.

I may be small, but I'm wiry.

He can give me his best
punch and I can take it.

Okay, Urk.

Ow.

I think you broke my arm.

Mama, I don't know why
anybody would want my autograph.

I'm not a TV star yet.

Oh, don't worry,
son. You will be.

Ooh. Joyce is gonna love this.

She's gonna put it right next to her
autographed picture of Willard Scott.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, Carl, time to rehearse
tomorrow's traffic report.

Well, Rachel, I just
thought I'd wing it.

See, that's a big mistake.
You gotta be prepared.

Here, I wrote some one-liners
covering every possible traffic condition.

Rachel, Carl has enough to worry
about. He doesn't need your help.

- I'm a professional writer.
- Couple of jokes wouldn't hurt, Harriette.

That's right. And this
is funny stuff. Listen.

[GIGGLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

There's an accident on the
expressway, paramedics are on the scene.

And speaking of medical personnel,
a guy walks into the doctor's office.

Doctor says, "I've got
good news and bad news.

The good news is you've
got 48 hours to live."

The guy says,
"What's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "I forgot
to call you yesterday."

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What has that got
to do with traffic?

Look, Harriette, I know what I'm
doing. Show business is my life.

Go ahead, Carl, try one.

- Oh, okay.
- Take the stage.

"There's a stalled car on the
expressway and it's smoking badly.

And speaking of smoke,
what do Smokey the Bear...

Catherine the Great and
Billy the Kid have in common?

They all have the same
middle name: 'The.'"

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Don't you get it, Harriette?

Oh, yeah, I get it.

I just don't want it
in my living room.

So then Urkel told Bull he wasn't
gonna give him any more money.

Bull's gonna k*ll him.

Come on. Nobody's gonna get hurt.
We're talking about two seventh-graders.

Yeah, but Bull's been in the seventh
grade since the Carter administration.

Get real.

No, I saw him, Eddie. He's
at least 17, and he's mean.

They don't call him Bull because
he works for Merrill Lynch.

You know, in a strange sort of
way, I think I just might miss Urkel.

Hi, guys.

Forget I said that.

Laura, this is for you.

I want you to have
something to remember me by.

It's not alive, is it?

No. It's a necklace.

I was gonna give it
on our wedding night...

but it looks like I'll be dead.

Urkel, what is this?

My retainer.

Ugh.

I had it bronzed.

You see that little
lump right in the front?

Well, it's a sesame seed.
I never could dislodge it.

I'll treasure this.

Any chance I could
get a kiss goodbye?

Urkel, I'm wearing your
teeth. That's enough.

You don't stand a chance. I don't
see what getting b*at up is gonna prove.

That's because you don't
know what it's like being small.

No one's ever
called you "shrimp."

Big guys have never played
keep-away with your hat on a cold day.

During the class picture...

you don't have to sit with
the girls in the front row...

and hold up the class sign.

And most of all, you don't
have to deal with bullies.

I mean, I'm a fast
runner, Eddie...

but sooner or later, you
just gotta stop running.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Dad, can I talk to
you for a second?

Sure, son. What's on your mind?

Well, tomorrow after school at
Leroy's, Steve Urkel's gonna get b*at up.

- What did he do?
- Nothing.

There's this big guy who doesn't like
him and he keeps taking his lunch money.

Urkel finally decided
to stand up to him.

So now you wanna get involved.

Dad, I don't know.

Is that the right thing to do?

Well, it might be.

Urkel doesn't strike me as
the kind that can defend himself.

So you're saying
that I should step in?

Not necessarily.

So I should let Urkel
fight fight his own fight?

I didn't say that.

Dad, is it me or are you
not making any sense?

Son, it's very simple.

You're dealing with a bully here.
And most bullies are cowards at heart.

That's why they
pick on the little guy.

So if a big guy like yourself
stands up to a bully...

they usually back down.

So you're saying that if I just show up,
the guy might see me and chicken out?

I didn't say that.

Dad, I don't get it.

I mean, should I
defend Urkel or not?

Well, that depends.

- On what?
- On whether or not you believe...

there are people who should be protected
because they can't protect themselves.

Do you believe that?

I sure do. That's
why I became a cop.

Look, Eddie. I know you came to
me for a simple yes-or-no answer.

But I can't give you that...

to tell you you should get
involved in somebody else's fight.

That's a judgment call
you're gonna have to make.

I just wanna do the right thing.

I know that you will.

WOMAN [OVER TV]: There are
chances of scattered showers...

- throughout the tri-state region.
- Ooh. Ooh.

- Guys, this is it.
- It's raining in Chicagoland.

Connie Toyota is doing
the weather. Traffic is next.

Ooh. I hope Carl comes to his
senses and dumps those stupid jokes.

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

I am so excited.

The last time I saw Carl performing
was in a school play on dental hygiene.

He played Mr. Tooth Decay.

We got 30 seconds to
air, Carl. How you doing?

Just great. Look, I got
a million traffic jokes.

- You wanna hear one?
- Jokes?

Didn't anyone tell you
that's what got Bud fired?

- What? That's all I've got.
- Here we go. We're ready. Clear the set.

And in five, four, three, two:

CONNIE: And now with
this afternoon's traffic report...

here's Officer Carl Winslow.

Hi.

I'm Officer Carl Winslow
with the afternoon traffic report.

Oh, and speaking of traffic...

[CONNIE SCREAMS]

Sorry, Connie.

Speaking of pain
and suffering...

this guy asks his doctor if
he has 4 8 hours to live...

and his doctor says, "You
should've asked me yesterday."

[LAUGHS]

That's not right.

He's dying.

That's because he's
mangling my jokes.

Anybody mind if I
change the channel?

Not yet.

Come on, Carl. Just be
yourself. I know you can do it.

Oh, I got it now. I got it now.

See, this doctor and his
patient walk into this bar.

See, and... - Hi. - Read this.

"There's an overturned tanker
on the Stevenson Expressway...

near Cicero Boulevard. Traffic
is blocked in both directions.

If you're heading into
downtown, take the service road."

Wait. You can't take the service
road. They're repairing that.

If you take it, you'll be
stuck there for a month.

Here's your overturned tanker.

Your best bet is to get off at Central,
continue east until you come to Archer.

You can't miss it because on the
corner there's a Don's Donut Shop.

And if you got a minute, drop in.
They got the best crullers in town.

Way to go, Carl. I knew you
could do it if you'd just be yourself.

That's my son.

While I got my pen out, let me
show a back way into Wrigley Field.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Did all you people come
here just to see a bloodbath?

That's why I'm here.
What about you?

ALL: Yeah.

Steve, you can still
back out, you know.

No. I've made up my mind.

A man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.

Yeah. But what are you gonna do?

Good afternoon, Bull.

You're looking dapper, as usual.

I'm gonna give you
one last chance, weasel.

Hand over the money.

Sorry, Bull, but
the bank is closed.

CROWD: Ooh...

Okay. Nice knowing you, dweeb.

Oh!

EDWARD: Hold it!

Fight's over, Bull.

This has nothing to do with you.
This is between me and the dork.

Butt out.

Well, as long as Eddie's
here, let's be open to his input.

Bull, we all know
that you're tough, man.

You don't have to b*at
up on Urkel to prove it.

I mean, he's a small,
defenseless, puny, pathetic, weak...

- wimpy, scrawny, little...
- Eddie, Eddie.

I think you made your point.

Okay.

He's off the hook. But you...

you're a dead man.

[GIRLS SCREAM]

[GROANS]

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Okay.

All right.

I'll leave him alone.

Yeah.

[ALL CHEER]

Wow. You saved my life, Eddie.

Yeah, I did.

That means we're best friends,
buddies, pals, amigos, goombahs.

Steve, don't make
me regret that I did this.

Oh, Eddie. You were wonderful.

I'm proud of you, Eddie.

All right, everybody, let's
celebrate. Drinks on me.

ALL: Yeah!

I love you crazy guys.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was on my way
home from the TV studio...

and I decided to stop
in for a little snack.

Coffee, please.

Yeah? So how did
the traffic report go?

Well, a little shaky at
first, but I got the job.

Great. Hey, can you
introduce me to Connie Toyota?

Well, I'm not exactly on her good
side at the moment. Heh-heh. Ahem.

So did anything interesting
happen around here today?

Dad, you came here to
check up on me, didn't you?

You were worried
about the fight.

Fight? Was that today?

Yeah. But I talked the
bully out of hitting Urkel.

Oh, he backed
down, just like I said.

No. He came after
me. I had to fight him.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

In fact, I feel pretty
good about myself.

Well, son, I'm proud of you.

But I don't want you to think
that fighting is always the answer.

Oh, I know, Dad.

But it really wasn't
much of a fight.

I hit him once and he went down.

Oh, was it that famous
Winslow punch I taught you?

I don't know. I just closed
my eyes and swung.

That's the one.