02x09 - Nautilus for Naught

[bunniefuu]

(Piano music playing softly)

It's not that big.

Looks that big from here.

You're exaggerating it. It
doesn't even look human.

I don't have as much talent
for this as you do, wanda.

You've been working on
that nose for 20 minutes.

I'm scared to move on.

Janine, this is art.
You have to think of it

As the perfect balance
of form and texture.

I'm looking at it
like a naked man.

You said you wanted to
take a live drawing class.

I just wanted to get a look.

I don't want to stand across
the room from him for 35 minutes.

How are you girls getting on?

That's very good, wanda.

Although, uh, I
think you've been

Overly generous with the
proportions of the chest muscles.

Well, janine, that's... That's
an interesting proboscis.

It's supposed to be a nose.

Okay, this is perfect.

The cook, the thief his wife &
her lover, 6:30 at the multiplex.

I don't know, I'm not exactly in
the mood for disembowelments.

How about helen mirren topless?
Think you can stomach that?

Oh, my god.

Oh, that is disgusting.

- Get!
- Go away!

I think we'll call it a day.

Thank you very much, greg.

(Exhales)

Nice work, wanda.

Thanks. But it was your body.

Excuse me.

I could've taken him.

(Theme music playing)

I just wish you
would have told us.

I mean, when you said
"still-life," I was thinking

Flowers and bowls of fruit.

I'm gonna throw up.

Doogie: now you're in here
with mr. Nude america.

It's not just men, you know.
Last week we drew a female nude.

Oh, yeah? Where's that?

- That's a herring.
- It's not finished yet.

You guys never have a
problem looking at naked women.

That is different.

The female body is a
thing of majestic beauty.

- Men are disgusting.
- No, they're not.

Greg's body's
beautifully proportioned.

- "Greg"?
- Yeah, he has a name.

Do you have to call him by it?

You know, he's not
just a body. He's smart.

He's even applying to
the chicago art institute.

Isn't that where you're going?

It's on my list.

Uh, this kind of emotional
turmoil makes me hungry.

Let's go get a pizza.

Okay, I'll go. But...

I'm on a special diet. I
brought my own lunch.

- What?
- I'm having a teriyaki
flavored rice cake

And dolphin-safe tuna.

It's a high-in-protein diet, and it
helps me build muscle. You should try it.

Are... Are you saying I
should build muscle?

No, I'm saying that since
I've been studying art,

I've really started to
appreciate the human form.

Look at michelangelo's david. It's a
glorious celebration of the male physique.

Yeah, but that's
just a slab of marble.

Nobody looks like
that in real life.

Doogie, you obviously
know nothing

About the human body.

Gentlemen, the patient is a
23-year-old model named sasha larkin.

Face like an angel.

Unfortunately, a voice
like morton downey, jr.

Acute laryngitis. She's been
chosen as a spokesperson

For carmische perfume, and the company
insists on knowing what the problem is

Before they sign the contract.

Have you ever had
laryngitis before, sasha?

No.

Have you recently had a cold,
any respiratory problems?

(Hoarsely) honestly, I
feel fine. I just can't talk.

Well, you look wonderful.

What about food? Does
it go down all right?

No choking or indigestion
or any other problems?

- Doogie: do you smoke?
- Are you kidding?

With skin like that?

Pretty straightforward case,
wouldn't you say, gentlemen?

Bulimia... Hoarseness,

Swollen carotid and
sublingual glands.

Discoloration and
erosions on her front teeth.

- The fingers.
- What about them?

Scarring on the dorsum of the right
hand from the teeth and stomach acids.

Very astute, doctor.

We'll wait for the blood tests,
but I'd stake my reputation on it.

The girl has got a
major eating disorder.

We're collecting the
menus for this ward.

Can sasha larkin eat tonight?

Uh, light dinner. She still
has more tests tomorrow.

Ah! Dr. Howser.

Just the young bachelor
I was looking for.

If this is about that
bachelor auction, i...

I felt that you were a little young
to participate last year, douglas.

But now that you're on
the verge of manhood...

It just seems so demeaning,

Parading up and down if front
of lots of women like prize cattle.

We're in tuxedos, not g-strings.

It's an important fundraiser
for the hospital, douglas.

I'm counting on
your participation.

Couldn't we just
have a bake sale?

It is kind of a bake sale.
Your buns are up for grabs.

You are two female
chauvinist pigs.

Don't worry, doogie. You
have potentially great buns.

"Potentially"?

Doogie?

What are you doing up so early?

I thought you were in late.

Uh, yeah, i-i was, but, uh,

Sort of feeling a
little sluggish, so i...

Decided to go to the gym.

But you hate the gym.

- No, I don't.
- Oh, yes, you do.

When I was doing my aerobics
classes, you said it was

Full of people doing the wrong
exercises for the wrong reasons,

And that it was just
a symptom of our...

Superficial, body-obsessed...

Mom, I'm going to
the gym. Do you mind?

Oh. Sorry.

Okay, I'm ready.
Let's pump some iron.

Let's build some brawn.
Let's press some benches.

What does that
expression mean, anyway?

Just don't get
muscle-bound, doogie.

I think you're adorable
the way you are.

"Adorable."

I don't want to be adorable.

The new kids on the
block are adorable.

Personally, I'm
sh**ting for "adorable."

♪ Woke up this morning
started to sneeze ♪

♪ Had a cigarette
and a cup of tea ♪

♪ I looked in the mirror
and what did I see? ♪

♪ A nine-stone weakling
with knobby knees ♪

♪ I did my knee-bends
press-ups, touch my toes ♪

♪ Had another sneeze
and I blew my nose ♪

♪ I looked in the mirror
at my pigeon chest ♪

♪ I had to put on my clothes
because it made me depressed ♪

♪ Surely there must ♪

♪ Be a way ♪

♪ For me to change
the shape I'm in ♪

♪ Dissatisfied ♪

♪ Is what I am ♪

♪ I want to be a ♪

♪ Better man ♪

♪ Superman, superman ♪

♪ Wish I could fly
like superman ♪

♪ Superman, superman ♪

♪ I want to be like superman ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ I want to be like superman ♪

♪ Superman, superman ♪

♪ Wish I could fly
like superman. ♪

Mrs. Howser: doogie,
wanda's here.

Send her up. (Chuckling)

- Hi.
- Hi.

Here.

Let me get these medical
books out of your way.

Does this steamer trunk bother
you? Don't worry. I can move it.

No, it's fine.

What's wrong?

Doogie, I have something to tell you,
and I want to be totally honest with you

Because I don't want you to
think anything weird about it.

- Weird about what?
- Well, do you remember
when I told you

That greg might be applying
to the same art school as I am?

Well, we're gonna go
out on saturday night

And compare notes.

You're going on
a date with greg?

No, we're not going out on a date,
we're just going to talk about school.

Oh, right. Right, you're going
to talk about art school?

(Scoffs) I don't believe
how naive you are.

Don't you realize he's using
the oldest trick in the book?

- I don't think so.
- And why not?

Because I asked him.

I don't understand why you're
getting so upset. It's totally innocent.

I'll tell you why I'm
getting upset, wanda...

Because you won't admit
what's really going on here.

- And you're gonna tell me
what that is.
- You bet I am!

You're going out with greg because
you find him physically attractive.

You think he's a hunk.

You are so unfair. You know
plenty of people I don't know.

Now I have one new friend,
and you start freaking out!

I am not freaking out.

I am simply having a
normal human reaction

To what I consider to be an
extreme set of circumstances.

- What's that?
- My girlfriend is going out

With a professional nudist.

That's it. You've flipped.

Okay, fine, fine,
I have flipped.

Wanda, I don't ask much of you, but I'm
going to ask you not to meet this guy.

We're just gonna
talk about school.

I'll bring a fig leaf.

They're going to this
place called sunflower.

It's one of those artsy
places on topanga canyon

Where all the meat dishes were
treated with respect when they were alive.

Fifty bucks a head.

I mean, where does a guy like
greg get that kind of money?

Hey, there's a big market
out there for nudity.

I just can't believe that
wanda would be so superficial.

Does this look any bigger?

- No.
- Great.

Oh, come on, doog.

You should count your blessings.
I mean, you're in good shape.

You're handsome.
You got nice hair.

A full mouth.

You know, I'm gonna stop now,
'cause this is gettin' really sick.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.
I'm just being stupid.

I'm smart. I'm a catch.

Wanda will see the
error of her ways.

(Grunts)

- Let's do a couple more sets.
- Oh, forget it!

I'm so sore, even
my earlobes hurt.

Well, I'm not quitting.

You got to go for the burn, kid.

Fine, go on, be a
muscle-head jerk

Like all the other
muscle-head jerks in this place!

Hi.

Dr. Rickett asked me to
drop by, see how you were...

- What are you doing?
- I'm checking out.

I've got two assignments
lined up in new york,

And I'm not gonna blow them
because of a scratchy throat.

It's more than a scratchy
throat, though, isn't it?

I just saw the results
of your blood tests.

You're hypokalemic.

In plain language, your potassium
is significantly decreased.

So I'll eat a banana.

Your glands are swollen.
Your larynx is inflamed.

You have all the classic
symptoms of bulimia,

And I think you know
what that word means.

Look, we can help you.

We have an excellent
therapeutic clinic.

You can be treated completely
confidentially in an outpatient basis.

Seventy percent of our
patients respond to the treatment.

Look, dr. Howser, I know the
body is like a sacred temple to you,

But to me it's
just a meal ticket.

You don't know what it's like to be
judged on your physical appearance.

Are you kidding?

(Sighs)

I'm losing my
girlfriend to a guy

With a body women dream about.

And tomorrow night I have to
go to this bachelors' auction

Where no one's gonna bid on me.

And so now I'm spending three hours a
day lifting weights like a crazy person,

Trying to make my
body something it's not,

And... Everything hurts.

Yeah, well, you're
still a whiz-kid doctor.

People don't care about your
body, they care about your brains.

- What you're going
through isn't real.
- How real is your life, sasha?

Look, you can't be
a model forever.

You're gonna have to think
about the rest of your life.

You keep this up, there's not
gonna be a "rest of your life."

You're going to die,

Which may be a good way to lose weight,
but it's not great for your social life.

I've got a plane to catch.

- Hi, wanda.
- Hi.

Sorry I've kept you waiting.
How do you like this place?

- It's great.
- Yeah, I like to come here
a lot and just sit and draw.

The human face
is so fascinating.

I'm really glad we're finally
getting a chance to talk.

I don't know anyone else that I
can really talk about art with.

Can you move your
head a little to the right?

- Sure.
- That's beautiful.

I think the impressionists are
really overrated, don't you?

I'm much more into
the pre-raphaelites.

What can I get the two of you?

Well, I wouldn't say no to a
villa in spain and a 90-foot yacht.

We'll both have the orange
roughy. Trust me on this.

- You see that?
- What?

The way that waitress
was hitting on me.

I get that all the time.

I really like magritte too.

My father thinks he's
totally out there, though.

- Perfection.
- Do you mind if I see it?

Well, it's still pretty rough.

(Scoffs) it's you.

Yeah.

- They're all you.
- I have many moods.

You see, wanda, I don't
just want to create art,

I want to be art.

- (Applauding, whistling)
- woman: 120.

140! 160!

160... Come on, ladies.

Dr. Mcguire is six-feet tall

With beautiful brown eyes.

His hobbies include jogging,

- Reading,
and avoiding commitment.
- Hey!

- (People laughing)
- 180.

Let's try and make it a
round number, ladies.

This tie is a nightmare.

Why couldn't you
just get a clip-on kind?

My girlfriend is on a
date with a nude model.

Every move I make is agony.

I'm about to go on that stage
and be totally humiliated.

And you're worried
about my bow tie.

Hey, it's the only thing
under our control.

- Emcee:
sold! To lady number 18.
- (People applauding)

$240, Gentlemen. Dr. Mcguire
just broke last year's record.

You're on, howser.

Uh, doog? Never
underestimate the pity vote.

Emcee: and now, for
your auctioning pleasure,

Here's dr. Douglas howser!

He may not be the biggest
hunk, but remember, ladies,

Good things come
in small packages.

- (People laughing)
- dr. Howser is
a third-year resident.

He's... Oh! We
already have a bid!

Twenty dollars.

Forty dollars. Sixty dollars.

Eighty.

- One hundred dollars!
- (People applauding)

120.140!

We have two very enthusiastic bidders.
Do you ladies know something that we don't?

160.180!

I don't blame you.
He is a sweetie.

Do I have any advance on $180?

Sold, to lady number 16.

Come and collect your goods,
and bring your checkbook.

(People whistling, applauding)

Wanda?

That $180 brings
our grand total...

Can I borrow $40? I got a
little carried away over there.

Sure, I can't believe
you'd bid that much for me.

I can't believe I had to.

- Who's that?
- Oh, that's sasha.

She's just... She's
just a patient.

Miss plenn, we require payment

Before you handle
the merchandise.

Emcee: the donations
are tax-deductible.

Ask for a receipt at the desk when
you come to pick up your bachelor.

I was bidding with
my pocketbook.

Your girlfriend was
bidding with her heart.

No chance I would win.

Ah, it's just as well. I've
got to save my pennies

Now that I won't be
working for a while.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I've decided to take a
certain young doctor's advice.

I'm going into the
treatment program.

Thank you.

Thank you.

(Emcee continues, indistinct)

Eighty dollars!

100.120!

Come here for a second.

Wanda, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry
I hurt your feelings.

Am I still your girlfriend?

How much did you
pay for me again?

180 Bucks.

I have no choice.

(Knock at door)

A hot shower
might help that, son.

Yeah. Think I'm gonna cool it
with the weights for a while.

Good. I think you've
been overdoing it.

That's easy for you to say. You
were always one of the big guys.

Trust me... It's all relative.

There'll always be
someone bigger than you are,

Someone stronger

Or better looking or smarter.

Well, maybe not smarter.

Do you really like
being a prodigy, doogie?

I mean, does it make
you feel special?

Well, yeah. If I'm
being honest, it does.

You're growing up.

Pretty soon you'll be just a...

A really, really smart adult.

- What a come-down.
- Well...

The point is that you don't look to
other people for your self-esteem.

You can earn respect
from other people,

Even admiration and praise,
but it won't mean anything to you

If you don't respect yourself.

Good night, buddy.

Good night, dad.

(Theme music playing)