02x23 - Doogie's Wager

[bunniefuu]

Woman: yes.

Yes,

I see riches.

- I see wealth.
- Vinnie: go, madame dorina, go!

Oh!

I'm getting incredible energy.

I've never felt a future
that looks so brilliant.

- What about college?
- What about it?

- Am I gonna get in?
- You know, your 15 bucks
is almost eaten up.

But you remind me so
much of my first husband

That I'm going to throw
in a bonus prediction.

It's coming. It's coming.

Yes, there it is.

I definitely see education
beyond high school in your future.

- Oh, thank god.
- Well, that could
mean anything...

Aerobics classes,
traffic school.

Maybe madame should
be more specific.

Right.

- What school?
- You want the name?

(Grunts)

Let's see.

I'm not getting the whole name.

It's kind of hazy, but I'm
getting one of the letters,

One of the big letters...

- A "v."
- A "v"?

No, it's more rounded than that.

It's... A "u."

That's it! Usc. I'm in.

90% Of the schools in the
country begin with a "u"...

University of...
Fill in the blank.

Excuse me...

But I have a 4:00 in
my adjoining salon.

It's here!

My acceptance
to usc film school.

You owe madame
dorina an apology.

- It's kind of
thin, vinnie.
- So?

So most acceptance letters
usually are pretty thick.

There's a lot of information

And forms you have to fill out.

It's not that thin.

You could put a few
small forms in here.

Besides, it's from usc.

They're known for their
thin stationery. Here.

You do the honors.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait a minute. (Chuckles)

Madame dorina sold me

This enchanted rabbit's
foot for 11 bucks.

- It was her last one.
- You were lucky.

(Spits)

That is the most disgusting
thing I have ever seen,

And I'm a doctor.

This is good.

The acceptances are
starting to roll in.

First, usc.

Still waiting to hear on ucla.

Then california
university of the arts.

To tell you the truth, though, I'm
not even sure I want to go to usc.

It's very smoggy there.
I've got delicate sinuses.

That's it. I don't want
to go there. Usc's out.

Well, that's good 'cause...

They don't want you
to go there either.

What?!

(Sobs)

This is gonna be a long week.

(Theme music playing)

Raymond: okay, so
my mercury is direct,

And my venus is in capricorn?

At least it's not in retrograde.
I hate when it does that.

- What's going on?
- Raymond just took his high
school equivalency exam.

We're checking his
horoscope to see if he passed.

You don't believe in
that stuff, do you?

Of course not. It's
just something to do.

- Nobody takes
it seriously.
- I passed!

- What does it say?
- "It is up to you to strike
the right balance.

You would do well to take
action, but remain flexible."

- Ooh!
- Wow, that's...

- That's vague.
- Vague?

Are you kidding? You just
don't know how to interpret this.

- Enlighten me.
- See, ever since I realized

I wanted to be a high
school graduate,

I've felt unbalanced.

So now it's up to me to
strike the right balance,

Which I did by passing my
high school equivalency,

Which will definitely
give me greater flexibility.

Like, for example, I'm enrolling

In the emergency medical
technician program

Here at the hospital.

See? Balance,

Flexibility.

It's all there.

- Woman #1: yeah.
- Woman #2: mm-hmm.

Doogie: well, the placenta's
in a good position.

And there you can see the head

And the spine and the heart.

Woman: oh, look, the
baby's waving at us.

(All laugh)

Hi, baby.

You want to know
what the sex is?

- Do you want to know?
- Sweetheart...

It doesn't matter
to me what it is,

Just as long as it's healthy.

- It's a boy.
- (Laughing)

Yes! Oh, yes!

Hey, little buddy,
little football buddy.

It's nice when couples wait till
they're more mature to have children.

After 12 years of trying,
I still cannot believe

That it's actually happening.

We've come a long way in treating
infertility. I'm glad you didn't give up.

- You wouldn't let us.
- After following your
case for two years,

I want this baby
as much as you do.

Don't you think you're getting a little
emotionally involved with your patients?

Absolutely not.

I'm maintaining the recommended
professional distance.

Now, if you'll just sign here,

You'll agree to be financially
responsible for the sonogram

- And to name
your son doogie.
- (Couple laughs)

It's just a standard form.

Let's open your mail,
see if there's anything

- From ucla or uni arts.
- No!

I'll have a large pie with
everything on it, heavy on the garlic.

- Right.
- Let's just wait for
janine to get here.

If I get rejected
again, at least I'll have

A female body part to cry on.

Students: ♪ on, wisconsin,
on, wisconsin ♪

- ♪ Plunge right
through that line ♪
- (man grunts melody)

♪ Run the ball clear
round chicago ♪

- ♪ A touchdown
sure this time... ♪
- Hoorah!

Ah, pipe down.
University of wisconsin...

What are they going
to major in, cheese?

What is your rush? I'm
down to two schools.

That means I've only got a
fifty-fifty chance of getting in.

This isn't the lottery. Your chances
aren't based on the laws of probability.

They're based on
talents and achievements.

That is so unfair.

Here it is, life
beyond your room...

People, pizza.

- Doogie.
- Wanda?

It was janine's
idea, doog, honest.

I can't believe you did this.

Wanda and I haven't seen
each other since we broke up.

And look at her,
doog. She misses you.

Please look at that face.

Yeah, she does look kind of sad.

He looks sad.

Of course he's
sad. He misses you.

I guess I can go over
there and say hello.

I am not going to say hello.

This isn't happening.
I'm not ready for this.

(Gasps) wanda.

- What a pleasant surprise.
- Hi, doogie.

Is this beyond adorable or what?

- So how've you been? What's up?
- Nothing.

I got into the school of
the art institute of chicago.

- No big deal.
- Oh, sure, gloat.

That's great.

Um... Your family
must be very proud.

Thank you.

Uh... So, janine,

It looks like everybody else got
in somewhere except you and me.

Actually, I got something

From l.a. State
college this morning.

All: the thick envelope.

I'm so relieved. I
don't have to get a job.

I can defer adulthood
for another four years.

So the cheese stands alone.

Come on, vin. Let's
do it. You ready?

You look.

There's a gas bill,

A letter from grandma delpino,

- A victoria's
secret catalog.
- That's mine.

It's their spring clearance.

A water bill, a publishers
clearing house sweepstakes.

You just won $10 million.

Uh, ucla.

It's thin!

It's thin!

Why don't I just slit my
throat with a pizza wheel?

Take it easy. You still
haven't heard from uni arts.

- I'm sure they'll accept you.
- Didn't you say that
they judge applicants

- On their potential instead
of their academic record?
- That's you, vinnie.

You're all potential
and nothing else.

Bless me, father,
for I have sinned.

It's been about, oh...

Five years since
my last confession,

If we're rounding off.

I've committed most of your major
sins in thought, word, and deed,

Although, between
you, me and him, father,

It's been mostly
thought and word.

- I'm still looking
forward to the big deed...
- (Clears throat)

But I digress.

See, I wouldn't
even be here today

If it wasn't sort
of an emergency.

I'm trying to get into film school,
and I've only got one sh*t left.

See, I possess

A precocious, if
somewhat raw, talent,

But these colleges get so
picky about grades and stuff.

So I could use a little
help from, you know,

The big dean of admissions.

So, uh... I was wondering if he
could put in a good word for me.

Please specify
"registrar, uni arts."

- Yeah.
- It's right off the 5. You can't miss it.

I'd like to help you,
my son, but I'm afraid

The faith doesn't
work in that way.

You see,

You can't just sail
in out of the blue,

Confess, and expect to receive

- A favor in return.
- Why not?

Because this is a confessional,

Not a ready teller.

We must all prove our worthiness

In the eyes of god.

Oh! (Laughs)

I get you. Okay,
here you go, father.

Buy yourself a nice
stained-glass window.

No, please, my son. No, no, no.

Huh-uh. You seem to be

A soul in a desperate situation.

Amen to that.

Well, your answer lies
in living a more prudent

And cautious life.

Of course, we can always

Affect the future,

But we cannot go back

And undo the past.

- So, in other words,
I'm in deep minestrone.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I wouldn't underestimate

The power of prayer.

Go with god.

Hello? Is there a doorknob
in here or something?

Take it easy. We're going to
get you something for the pain.

I'm brian hollister.
Where's my wife?

In here... We didn't
have time to move her.

What happened?
She's only six months.

- Woman: breath...
- The neonatologist
is on her way.

- Sweetheart, it's okay.
- Come on, push.

- I can't.
- It's all right.

Woman: you're doing
great. One more big push.

- (Groaning)
- take a deep breath.

It's out. It's
little, but perfect.

- What do you got?
- He's about a thousand grams.

Apgar, about
three to four. Here.

It's a boy. He's got
all 10 fingers and toes.

Get him up to neonatal icu.

We'll stabilize and
examine upstairs.

- He's okay?
- He's okay.

- Katherine: hi, doogie.
- Hi.

Any word about the baby?

No. I should have
told her to stay in bed

For the last few
months of the pregnancy.

- Was it indicated?
- No.

Douglas, it was an
unforeseen complication.

It happens.

Dad, this baby's having
severe respiratory problems.

We're worried about infection.

He's only got a fifty-fifty chance of
making it through the next 24 hours.

Honey, stop torturing yourself.

I can't. It's a miracle this
baby was conceived at all,

And the hollisters aren't
going to get another chance.

And now, with all our medical
advances, all our technology,

The most we can say
to these people is:

"Well, we'll just
have to wait and see."

Hmm. Five years ago,

He would have had only
a thirty-seventy chance.

20 Years ago, no chance at all.

Son, the glass isn't half empty.

It's half full.

- (Door opens)
- this is it!

Uni arts. I got in, I know it.

It's all right. You open it.

- Okay, vin, you ready?
- I'm ready, I'm ready.

What?! No, no, no.

I got in. It's thick!

- I'm sorry...
- (Vinnie sighs)

- But you're
a freshman.
- I got in!

- Congratulations.
- "We are pleased
to inform you

Of your acceptance to the
fall semester of uni arts."

- Good night, boys.
- (Laughs)

Well, the big guy

- Definitely came
through for me.
- What?

This absolutely proves
the existence of god.

Well, we're all pretty
happy for you, vin,

But I don't think
it means that much.

How else do you explain it?

Yesterday, I went to church.

Today, voilà, I
get into uni arts.

Cause and effect.
Cause and effect.

That's ridiculous. You
can't prove any of that.

And you can't not prove it.

Besides,

I don't have to prove
anything 'cause it worked.

And even if it didn't, what
else was there for me to do

Besides worry and get an ulcer?

What did I have to
lose? But it worked.

Thank you, sir. (Sniffles)

Hi. This is dr. Howser.

Is there any change
on the hollister baby?

When did he start
looking cyanotic?

Right, and you administered
serfactin through the e.t. Tube?

(Sighs) if he's on a respirator,

And we keep suctioning him...

Right. Yeah, that's
all we can do.

Thanks.

(Beeps)

(Sighs)

Man's voice: hey.

Just because you can't
sleep, I should get a headache?

You're not... Here, are you?

Here, not here.

Everything is relative.

(Chuckles) so...

What's on your mind?

Actually, I'm looking
for some answers.

Oh.

Listen...

The answers you're looking for,

They're not going
to be in any book.

I know.

That's pretty perceptive.

What, you think
they'd give me a poster

If I was a dummy? So, talk.

Well, we're taught to
cure them, you know?

That's my job. But what am I
supposed to do when I can't?

When it's 2:00 in the morning
and there's nothing I can do?

- Just wait?
- Come.

So, you want to
talk about faith.

Faith, yeah, I guess so.

- You're a man of science.
- I've dabbled.

Well, as scientists,

We're taught to think
rationally, logically...

Cause and effect,
if "a," then "b"...

And there's no room
for anything else.

Und yet,

It's the mysterious

Which stands at the cradle

Of true science.

I wrote that when I was 45.

Yeah, I know. I read
it when I was nine.

Well,

Mr. Smarty pants.

(Sighs) things were a lot
simpler when I was a kid.

I don't exactly
remember what I believed,

But I believed in something.

I used to lie in my bed
when I had leukemia,

And I can remember
feeling like I wasn't alone.

Do you believe in god?

I knew we'd get around to that

Sooner or later.

You ever hear of something
called "pascal's wager"?

Yeah. Pascal was a
french mathematician.

That's right. Pretty smart, too.

Of course, you'll notice
he didn't get a poster.

Pascal is very logical.

So he reasons

That we can never really know

If there is a god.

- Makes sense, right?
- Right.

But, und this is important,

He figures it's a good bet

- To believe that
there is one.
- Why?

Because if it turns out that
there is, indeed, a supreme being,

A god, well,

Then we get all
the benefits, right?

Life everlasting,

Personal guidance,

Enlightenment, absolution,

Mercy.

Maybe even that little sports
car you've had your eye on?

Hmm? Whatever it is you want,

You get, it's yours.

- What if it turns out
there isn't a god?
- Nichts ist nicht.

Big deal. You didn't
lose anything.

That's exactly what vinnie said.

You mean that little wisenheimer

Who bounces the
ball off my head?

- Tell him not
to do that.
- Okay.

Vinnie and einstein. (Chuckles)

- (Sighs)
- how's the hollister baby?

He's less lethargic. His color
and hydration have improved.

- He's a little better.
- Get some sleep.

(Humming "pomp
and circumstance")

Let me guess... You passed
your high school equivalency.

With flying colors.
You are now looking

At a full-fledged
high school graduate.

- That's great. Congratulations.
- Thanks.

I guess it was your
lucky day, huh?

Excuse me?

Your horoscope.
It was in your stars.

Hey, man, I worked my
butt off for this diploma.

The stars had
nothing to do with it.

(Whistles)

I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

Why not?

Just trust me.

- (Groans)
- vinnie, just on
the off chance,

Have you ever heard
of a guy named pascal?

Yeah, I think so.

- Really?
- Sure.

Ain't he the guy who'll
paint any car any color

For 69.95?

Yep, that's him...

Earl pascal.

Yeah. Glad to be
of service, doog.

(Theme music playing)

(Orchestra playing
vivaldi's "four seasons")