02x24 - A Kiss Ain't Just a Kiss

[bunniefuu]

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ My darlin' ♪

♪ I hunger ♪

- ♪ For your touch ♪
- vinnie: yo, doog!

Doog, the most stupendous
thing just happened to me.

It can wait.

- No, it can't.
- Yes, it can.

- No, it can't.
- Yes, it can.

- (Screaming)
- no, it can't.

(Gasping)

There is nothing that could've
happened to you that would justify

Spraying my manhood
with scalding water.

Phyllis malderelli asked me out.

- Phyllis malderelli?
- Mm-hmm.

Why would someone so
voluptuous, so beautiful, ask you out?

- Charisma.
- (Snorts)

Go ahead, snort. But word got
around that I'm goin' to film school,

All of a sudden I'm a
desirable commodity.

- High school is
a sick world.
- Hey...

I am not the first man

To benefit from
the filmmaker's aura.

What, you think mia farrow
would be shacking up

With woody allen
if he sold insurance?

(Chuckles) I see your point.

Wait a minute. You're not
gonna cheat on janine, are you?

Doog, all my life I been scorned
by the girls on the “a” list.

The way I see it, if I don't cheat on
janine, I'll just be cheatin' myself.

Besides, phyllis malderelli has

The fullest lips in brentwood.

She could suck the
chrome off a cadillac.

Vinnie, think about
what you're doing.

I mean, have you forgotten what
happened to me when I cheated on wanda?

- I felt so low, so dirty.
- (Gargling, spits)

Yeah, so? Look, some people
are born to go the speed limit,

Always pay their taxes,
and live in total monogamy.

That's you in a nutshell.

Others are born to
gyp the government,

Drive unfettered
by the speedometer...

(Inhales, exhales) and sample
a plethora of female flesh.

Voila.

Well, good luck.

Actually...

It's gonna take just a little
bit more than luck, mi amigo.

No.

Look, all I'm askin' is, if janine
asks you what you did tonight,

You say, “i went to the
dodger game with vinnie.”

Come on, it's simple,
eight little words...

- I went to the...
- No, vinnie.

Forget it. No way.

- I went to the dodger
game with vinnie.
- You're lying.

No.

Vinnie was out with
phyllis malderelli.

- Janine...
- Give it up, doogie.

The whole school
is talking about it.

When I walk down the
hall, everybody whispers,

Then they turn their
heads and snicker.

I know that move. I've done
it a hundred times myself.

I didn't want to do it,
janine. Vinnie made me do it.

- I mean...
- Oh, god.

I keep thinking about
the two of them together,

His scrawny little arms wrapped
around her voluptuous body.

A year ago, I couldn't
have cared less, but...

Now I kind of love
the little jerk.

- (Sniffling)
- please don't cry.

I can't blame him.

I'm no match for phyllis
malderelli. She's gorgeous.

Oh, stop it. You are
just as pretty as she is.

- No, I'm not!
- Yes, you are.

- (Kisses) - come on, doogie.
She's got perfect skin.

Your skin practically glows.

I have always loved your skin.

Ohh, you are so sweet.

- (Kisses)
- just telling the truth.

I can't believe you don't have a
million girlfriends. You're so nice.

Thanks.

Vinnie doesn't deserve
you as a best friend.

Well, he doesn't deserve
you as a girlfriend.

He doesn't deserve
either one of us.

Oh!

Oy!

(Theme music playing)

- What do we got, pam?
- 38-Year-old male,
auto versus auto.

Unstable right knee with
large laceration, medial side.

- Okay, just try to relax.
- Okay, but you pay attention.

Let's get him onto here.

Raymond, can you give me a hand?

All right, on three. Now,
just take it easy. You'll be fine.

- I'm ready.
- Pam: I've got your leg.

Raymond, is that you?

One, two...

Ray? Raymond?

- What was that
all about?
- Nothin'.

“Nothin'”? You don't walk
out on a patient for nothing.

- Look, it's none
of your business.
- No, you made it my business.

If you have a problem with a patient,
you handle it on your own time, okay?

Fine. You through?

No, what is it with you, ray? The
man needed your help in there.

- Well, he's never
gonna get my help.
- What are you talking about?

He's my father.

- You told me
your father was dead.
- Yeah, well, I lied.

The man walked out on me 12 years ago,
and he never cared anything about me.

And I'll be damned
if I care about him!

(Soft rock playing)

(Song ends)

Look at this lonely guy.

Doog, we gotta get you a woman.

I saw a cute little item over there.
You want me to invite her over?

- Oh, that's okay, vin.
- Aw, come on.

When was the last time you did a
little tongue tangle with anybody?

- I forget.
- Come on, doog!

He forgets. Leave him alone.

I don't get it.

You're smart, you're rich,
some would even say attractive.

- You think doog's attractive,
don't you, janine?
- No!

- What do you mean, “no”?
- I mean, he's not my type.

He's weird-looking. He doesn't turn
me on. He doesn't do a thing for me.

As a matter of
fact, he repulses me.

I'm not attracted to him.
Never have been, never will be.

Janine! This is my best
friend you're talking about!

Besides, he's
sittin' right there.

Thanks for your support, vinnie.

Brainstorm!

Janine, take doogie out on the dance floor,
twirl him around, let him show his goods.

- Both: no!
- Come on, you gotta take
the meat to the market

- Or no one's gonna buy.
- He doesn't want to.

He's just shy. He's our
friend. He needs our help.

Go. Go.

(Soft rock playing)

(Mouthing words)

I can't even look at him.

I can't look at you. I
can't look at anybody.

Janine, we have to put
this into perspective.

Now, I admit our behavior
might have been a little...

- Cheap.
- No.

- Nauseating.
- “Rash” is the word
I was looking for.

Vinnie took advantage of me,

And he didn't do you any favors by taking
out phyllis malderelli behind your back.

Yeah, but at least he had the decency
to cheat on me with someone I despise.

I kissed his best friend.

Hard, and long. Oh, god.

If it's any consolation, I might
not be his best friend much longer.

- You're not going to
tell him, are you?
- I don't know.

- What do you think?
- Are you kidding?

We can never tell
him, ever, ever, ever.

(Hard rock playing)

Hey, howser, you want
to drop the merchandise?

So? You showed your stuff.

And with any luck, you'll
find someone as sweet

As my little love blossom.

Oh, my god!

Hi, vinnie.

Hi, doogie. Hello, janet.

- It's janine.
- Oh, right.

So, did vinnie tell you we
saw each other last night?

Yeah, we ran into each
other at the dodger game.

Right, doogie?

I guess so.

Doogie was so
involved with the game

That he really didn't even
notice what was going on.

- Not that anything
was going on.
- Right.

I just wanted to say thank you.

You made baseball very exciting.

Who knows?

Maybe this year we'll
even get to the playoffs.

- We live in hope.
- Well...

Ciao, paisano.

Ciao.

Very friendly
girl, that phyllis.

Don't know her that well, but
she's always been nice to me.

Give it up, vinnie. Don't you
think I know everything?

What, “everything”?

Everything, everything.

But you can wipe that
stupid grin off your face,

Because while you were
kissing phyllis malderelli,

I was kissing somebody else.

♪ It's the same old, same
old ball and chain... ♪

So what are you doing
here on the third floor?

Well, I heard raymond
alexander might be down here.

Is he working today?

Um... Uh, I don't
know. He could be.

Uh, I don't know what floor he's
working on. He could be at lunch.

He could, uh, be sick.

You ever notice when
somebody's jiving, they

Always give out way
too much information?

Yeah.

So you and him friends?

- Yeah, we are.
- Mmm.

So, how long's the
boy been working here?

- Eight months.
- That right?

When I was his age, never could
stay at a job more than a few months.

Felt like it cramped my style.

Had a wife, though, and
was about to have raymond...

He doesn't have a wife, does he?

- No.
- Oh.

That's good.

So, what exactly
does the boy do here?

He's an orderly. Oh, and he
just got his high-school diploma.

He wants to be an
emergency medical technician.

- That boy always was
smart as a whip.
- He's doing great.

Raymond... Son...

I stopped being your son
the day you walked out.

Come on, you're gonna
have to talk to me sometime.

What do you want me to say?

“Welcome back,” just like
nothing ever happened?

Well, you go to hell.

I'm still your father, raymond.

You were never my father, never!

Where were you when I was
getting sucked into the gangs?

A father would have
been there to kick my ass,

To tell me I was
better than that.

You're not my father.

You're a loser who
ran off with some broad.

- Ray, listen...
- No!

Don't you get it?

I am not six years old anymore,

And I stopped waiting for my
father to come home a long time ago.

Vinnie: yo, doog.

Hey, doog, you in there?

You're not a bad person.

It was just one little kiss.

Traitor. Backstabber. Snake.

I owe you a bottle of canoe.

Hey, did somebody paint
that window back there?

Doog, this janine
thing's killin' me.

I keep seein' my
baby doin' lip presses

With the mystery scum.

All these faces are
flashin' through my mind.

Any idea who it could be?

I mean, everybody
knows janine's my girl.

Everybody.

So whoever did it has got
to be the lowest of the low.

Bacteria.

Mildew!

I guess I deserve it.

I thought foolin' around was
kind of cool until janine did it to me.

Now I feel like a pig...

A pig who kissed phyllis
malderelli, but a pig nonetheless.

I'm weak.

That's my problem. I wish
I could be like you, doog.

You're, like, this
moral iron man.

Believe me, vinnie, I'm not
as good as you think I am.

Oh, come on. You're
practically a saint.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

You're everything I'm
not. You're dependable,

Trustworthy, honest, loyal...

It was me.

I kissed janine.

She was upset about phyllis, and I
was upset about you asking me to lie.

And she started to cry, and
I gave her a consoling hug,

And... And it
just... It happened.

- You are scum.
- Now-now-now just
listen to me.

How could you? How
could you do this to me?

Well, you created this.

What you did to janine stunk.
What you did to me stunk.

You don't ask your best
friend to lie for you.

You kissed my girlfriend,
and you're giving me a lecture?

Vinnie, this is all your
fault. You started all this.

Oh, so now you're
taking the delpino route...

Blame everyone but yourself.

You sicken me, howser.

Don't push me.

I'll push you if I
want to push you.

I'm a lot bigger than you are.

I'm a lot madder than you are.

Oh, what are you
gonna do, hit me?

(Groans)

(Yelling)

(Clock bell rings)

- (Knocking)
- it's open.

Okay, I've been thinking
about this all night,

And I've made a decision.

We have to tell vinnie.

- What happened to your eye?
- I told vinnie.

- Are you crazy?
- Well, you just said
we have to tell him.

Well, yeah, but not just like
that, without consulting me.

Well, excuse me, janine. He called
me a saint, and it just came out.

- So, he hit you?
- Yes, janine.

- Well, he was that upset?
- Yes, janine.

Well, did he just hit you once,

Or did he kind of
throw himself on you?

He pummeled me.

He threw his bony little body on
me and stuck his finger in my eye.

Are you happy?

Boy, he must really love me.

Janine, he hit me.

Well, I guess you
can't blame him.

You did kind of take
advantage of me.

What are you talking
about? I was comforting you.

Well, there's comforting
and then there's comforting.

Oh! Are you crazy? You
didn't push away, if I remember.

Well, I was vulnerable.

But I didn't expect you
to slip me the tongue.

- You opened your mouth!
- I had to breathe!

Look, I am not the bad guy here.

If anything, I'm an
innocent bystander

Caught between you two lunatics!

- If I broke his nose,
he asked for it.
- You broke his nose?

Look, I don't know. It was a
pretty disorganized fight, okay?

Yeah, I think I hit
him in the nose.

How could you do that?
You're so much bigger than he is!

Doogie howser, you're not only a
sexual aggressor, you're a bully.

Okay, now, wait a minute.
You're rewriting history here.

I can't get into this
now. Vinnie needs me.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Wha...

(Metal clangs)

(Clangs)

(Clangs)

Vinnie: hey, howser!

- How'd you know
where to find me?
- Remember when we were nine

And I stole your
matchbox ambulance?

(Metal clangs)

You came to the
woods here to pout.

You always had this thing
about communing with nature.

By the way, where is the nature?

This is it. They
paved the rest over.

- Well...
- (Car departing)

Everything changes.

How deep, vinnie.

Hey, don't cop a 'tude.
I'm making an effort here.

We've had a lot of fights
over the years, doog,

But I think this
might be the big one.

You know, the one
we never get over.

Might be.

The worst thing about
it is, I'm mostly right.

I said “mostly”"

All right, so we
both think we're right.

The point is, do we want to be
right or do we want to be happy?

I guess I've already
decided for myself.

I want my girlfriend, and I
still want my best friend too.

So...

I'm sorry I asked you to lie.

Jump in anytime.

I'm sorry I kissed janine.

This isn't the way we
made up when we were nine.

You know? I'd call you a booger,

You'd call me a snot-head,

Then mom would make us
grilled-cheese sandwiches.

Yeah, I could see her now...

In the kitchen,

Sunlight in her hair,

Suckin' the extra
mayo off her fingers.

Lust was so much
simpler back then.

(Sighs) growing up
is so complicated.

Yep. Any way out of it?

No.

Just think we have to be
more careful with each other.

So true, doog.

- You and janine okay?
- Yeah.

Lucky for me,
you're a lousy kisser.

- What do you mean?
- Janine says you have
very dry lips.

You know, I put vaseline on mine
every night before I go to bed.

If you ever get another date,
you might want to do that.

- (Sighs)
- (metal clangs)

Now, remember, it's important

To follow through
with the physical therapy.

It's as important as
the surgery itself.

Whatever you say, doc.

You're the boss.

Do me a favor, will ya?

Will you tell him
I said good-bye?

I will.

Look, raymond,
you have every right

To never forgive
him for what he did,

But I know how much
you want a father.

There's still time.

A wise man once said to me,

“You can be right
or you can be happy.”

That's your choice, ray.

But before you
decide, ask yourself,

If you let him leave now,
who pays the biggest price?

I just can't, man.

(Theme music playing)

(Orchestra playing
vivaldi's "four seasons")