05x01 - Dr. Wonderful

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
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Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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05x01 - Dr. Wonderful

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on mad
about you...
[ticking]

[Bell rings]

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪♪

Get out of here.

You get out of here.

Oh, get outta here!

You get outta here.

C'mere!

Get outta here!

My gosh, what are you
saying? What are you telling me?

You're pregnant?

So there's, like,
an actual, little,

You-and-me combination
right in there?

Oh, my g... This is... You
know what? This is just so...

Poetic.

Yeah, but it's so...
You know, it... It's...

Magical.

Yeah... No, it
definitely is that.

What am I thinking, though?
It's, like, the way it all...

Sublime.

Um... No, no... What?

It's... This is good.

Mm-hmm.

[Door buzzer]

[Door buzzer]

Who is it?

Ira: hey, it's me!

Oh, man, what is
he doing here now?

I don't know, but
this is perfect.

Ira will be the first
person we get to tell.

W-w-w-wait! Wait! Wait!

Just telling people?
That's what we're doing?

Yeah. Why wouldn't
we? I don't know.

They're going to
figure it out eventually.

We'll show up one day, we got a
-year-old, they're gonna know.

No. Let's just keep it
between us for now.

Ira, rapping on door: hey,
you guys! Open up!

Wa-wait! Why? Why?

A million reasons.

First of all, we don't
know anything for sure.

As of now, the only real news

Is that I've successfully
peed on a stick.

Yeah, but...

And we don't even have
confirmation from a gynecologist.

Mark is in europe.

He'll be back.

In three months.

We should probably
find out before then.

[Sighs]

All right.

[Door buzzer]

Ira: I'm standin' out here!

I can't believe
you want to tell.

You're the superstitious one.

You know, telling is
bad luck. Is that true?

Yes. You don't tell this early.

How many times
have you done this?

You're supposed to wait
three months in, four months in.

There's a reason for that.
You know, things can happen.

Things can go wrong.
You're supposed to wait.

[Door buzzer]

Ira pounding on door:
open the damn door!

All right. Listen, it's
your stick. It's your urine.

Thank you.

Ira: come on, already!

All right! All right!
All right! All right!

Hey, by the way, nice going.

Hmm. You, too.

All right, stand
back! I'm comin' in!

I think I'm bleedin'.

Let me get you a band-aid.

What happened to you?

I'm walkin' down the street,
mindin' my own business.

Some lady yells
out, "hey, jose!"

I don't know why,
but I turn around.

You're not jose.

Exactly.

She's swingin' at
me, swingin' at me!

I'm coverin' myself up. I'm
sayin', "I'm not jose. I am not jose.

Do I look like jose?"

I don't understand,
'cause you're not jose.

I know! But she thinks
that I'm jose, pauly.

She's hittin' me
and grabbin' me!

And she's cursin'
at me in spanish.

Is it possible
that... I am jose?

You're not jose.

Then what the hell took you
two so long to answer the door?

Oh, sorry about
that. We were just...

Uh, debating.

Debating?

More like discussing.
Discussing, debating.

Debating, discussing,
speculating.

Speculating.

Speculating? On what?

Whatever. Who remembers?

Hey, guys, wh-what's going on?

Nothing.

Pauly, come on. I know
something's going on.

All right...
Nothing is going on.

Nothing is going on.

Something is goin' on.

All right. Something
is going on.

Nothing is going on.

Nothing is going on.

All right, we're
going to tell you,

But you have to promise
not to tell anybody.

I thought you said
nothing is going on.

He knows something is going on.

Oh, something is going on.

The truth is...

And this is really something.

We have to find a
new gynecologist.

How about that?

Mark and fran
are in europe, so...

Is everything ok?

Yes, yes, yes! Everything's
fine. Everything's great.

It's just a little... It's
a personal matter.

Personal matter?

It's a personal,
private, delicate...

It's a woman thing.

Say no more.

I've been going through
the yellow pages,

Through friends'
recommendations,

That article in
new york
magazine

On the best doctors in new york.

Hey, hey, hey! What about joan?

Joan who?

What, debbie's joan?

Yeah, yeah. She's
a gynecologist.

Yeah? So?

Yeah, but... No, right?

I don't think so.

Why?

Well, it's just too
weird. I mean, joan is...

She's my sister's girlfriend.

You know, she's family.

You don't want to go to
family for something like this.

You know, if it were a foot
or, god forbid, a shoulder...

Fine. You know, then you could
go see a friend or an uncle.

But for something like this...

To me, anything that involves
the removing of the underwear,

You... No, you don't
wanna mess around.

And plus, jamie is
gonna have the best.

Oh, of course!

You don't have to have the
best house or the best car

Or the best, you
know, piece of chicken...

Hey, hey, you don't want
a bad piece of chicken.

Certainly not, but you
understand what I'm sayin'.

You want the best.

Exactly.

I understand.

In fact, I can help you.

What, 'cause you have
a good gynecologist?

No, no, but I could
help find you one.

I will find you the best
gynecologist in new york city.

Oh, you know what?

Listen, you don't
have to do that.

Come on. It'll be a pleasure.

Ira, really, you
don't have to do that.

Please, allow me
to do this for you.

[Door buzzer]

There's no reason,
really, that you should...

Hello.

[Woman yelling in spanish]

Jose, it's for you.

Jamie: ok. This is for thursday.

We've got dr. Koeffler at : ,

Then I'll meet you at dr. Khalsa
at : and at : , dr. Noh.

Dr. No? You're gonna use
sean connery's gynecologist?

N-o-h. He's korean.

Just makin' a joke.
Don't be offended.

We might have to go
with one of these guys

If we can't get in to
see dr. Vonderphal.

♪ Dr. Vonderphal ♪

You're gonna make fun
of every name or what?

No, but come on,
dr. Vonderphal? He's askin' for it.

He's the guy I was
telling you about.

He's the best. new york magazine
did a whole profile just on him.

He was on nightline.

Anthony edwards' character
in er is based on this guy.

Is that true?

Yes!

That's so cool.

Hey, listen, if vonderphal
is the guy, and he's the best,

Den vonderphal is de vun.

Vonderphal? Dr. Vonderphal?

Hey, deb.

Hi.

Hi.

You're gonna see dr. Vonderphal?

Is it vonderphal,
or von-der-phal?

'Cause either way,
it's quite vonderful.

It's nothing. It's just...

It's a woman thing.
I should think so.

And mark's outta
town, so we're just...

Why don't you go see joan?
I'll get you an appointment.

No. That's ok. We don't
wanna bother you.

Oh, no bother. I'll call
her right after lunch.

You shouldn't go out of
your way, because mark...

Just consider it done.

So... Only hours,
minutes, and seconds

Until mom and dad
finally meet joan.

Relax. I'm sure the big news
was that you have a girlfriend.

Yeah. Now you're
just giving them a face

To attach all the sleepless
nights spent crying.

Thank you, paul.

See how nice I am when
you come out of the closet.

What does she mean by that?

Anyway, for the joan
meeting, I still can't decide:

Dinner or lunch?

Well, it's really which would
you rather see mom choke on?

Lunch.

Yes?

Lunch. Definitely.

Daylight.

Ok.

'Cause I have it down
to two restaurants:

Uh, tavern on the
green... Nope. No?

A restaurant? A
neutral location? Uh-uh.

Neutral location. Uh-uh.

Neutral location,
she'll eat you alive.

This is interesting.

You need the home field
advantage: your own backyard.

Yes, because then, she can't
ambush me in my own living room.

She can, but it's a
little bit more difficult.

Listen to her.

She's very clever about this.

Yes, yes.

This is exactly
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna have a
nice sit-down lunch.

No. No, no, no, no, no. No.

Buffet. Buffet, buffet, buffet.

Mollifies her, gives her
the illusion of control.

You... You could do
this professionally.

I'm telling you,
she's very good.

Yeah. This is exactly
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna go cancel
the reservation,

And while I'm doing it,
I'm gonna call dr. Joan.

Oh, wait!

Before you do that...

Aw! Now she's gonna call joan.

I knew we weren't
gonna get out of it.

Very nice advice
you were giving her.

It won't do her any good.

Why is that?

She's bringing a nice young
woman home to your mother?

Hah! She's dead.

You don't seem so
much broken up about it.

No, no, no. I'm very sad.

Ha ha ha ha.

What's wrong with you?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,

But since the day I
joined your family,

I've been at the bottom of
your mother's totem pole.

I'm looking forward
to moving up a notch.

Don't get me wrong.
It's terrible for joan.

I feel really bad.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Jamie: we'll be polite to joan,

Make your sister
happy, and be done with it.

Yes, it's official.
You're pregnant.

Hey. Hey.

I'm tellin' ya, those sticks are
gonna put me out of business.

Four weeks. You were
right, just like ya said.

Good hcg levels.
Everything seems normal.

Congratulations.

Ok. Well, thank you.

So, you told debbie
you had a little, uh...

Woman thing. Very good.

That was because, uh, you're
not ready to tell the family yet?

Exactly.

I understand. I was
advised by patients

To lie to those closest to them,
just because you never know.

So I'm gonna write you a
prescription for prenatal vitamins,

And, uh, you should make an
appointment to see me in about two weeks.

Uh, ok. Ok.

You're lying right
now, aren't you?

No... No, we're not!

No, we're not.

Yeah, we kinda... We
are, actually, a little bit.

Sure. You're interviewing
a whole bunch of ob/gyns,

And the only reason I'm among them
is because debbie foisted me on you.

No, no, no, no. That's
not it. No, that's not true.

Kinda... She did. It's a
little bit true, I guess.

You're probably going
to see dr. Wonderful.

No, no, no, no,
no. No, we're not.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow, I think.

Ok. Here.

Take your vitamins, get plenty
of rest, and work on the lying.

And if you should choose to
come back, just call the office.

If not, I'll see ya
at the luncheon.

Take care!

Thank you! You, too.

We'll call ya!

No, you won't!

No, but I mean for
coffee or something.

Aw, that was great.

I mean, really, really great.

Yeah.

Listen, let me ask
you something.

Yeah?

Who's your gynecologist?

What?

What do you mean, what?
We're getting closer.

We've... We've
become very intimate,

But I just want... I want to know
everything there is to know about you.

Where did you go to
school? Where are you from?

Who's your gynecologist?

Liar! Oof!

This dr. Vonderphal,
he's unbelievable.

Honey... Go like this.

That's how big the
baby is right now!

Oh, he's just gonna
get teased a lot.

[Door buzzer]

Who is?

It's debbie and joan!

I am just never gonna
get to finish this article.

[Knocking on door]

[Door buzzer]

Really? So, what,

You change the diaper with, like,
a little tweezer or something?

You have a fish Kn*fe!

Why do you say it like that?

You have a fish Kn*fe. I
know you do. Don't lie to me!

I gave it to you!

Just admit it! Unless
you sold it, you have one!

Joan: she's very
nervous about the lunch.

Oh, then by all means,
let's give her a sharp Kn*fe.

I am not nervous
about the lunch.

I'm serving trout,
which is a huge gamble.

You know, delicious?

Yes, but more bones than... Than...
Than... What? What has a lotta bones?

Skeleton! Big skeleton.

Ok, ok. Here we go.
Everybody, take it easy.

It's all gonna be fine.

Thank you.

You need anything else?

No.

No.

No.

What about the casserole dish?

Casserole dish!

Casserole dish. Casserole dish.

Here, here! Here
you go! Here you go.

Casserole... Ok.

Anything else?

No.

No.

No.

What about the garlic press?

Garlic press!

Garlic press: there
you go. We got several...

Here you go. Here, here, here.

Oh, yes. All right.

Anything else?

Anything else? A whisk!

A whisk... Wait!

And about a gallon of wine.

You know they're
not heavy drinkers.

It's for me... Now.

She's nervous about the lunch.

I'm not nervous about the lunch!

All right, I'm nervous.

I don't know why I'm nervous.

Mom's gonna meet joan.

Well, maybe that's why.

All right, you guys.
What should we drink to?

To your family.

My family...
Dysfunctional, judgmental,

Intolerant, oppressive,
petty, and small.

Yes, but we get
everything when they die.

Oh, honey, honey, honey, honey!

Oh, my god.

What?

Antibiotics! I put her on
antibiotics for the, um...

For... That's... Woman thing.

Right.

Aw, isn't that cute.

What?

Oh, well, you know,
you're their doctor.

You're giving them
a little antibiotics.

You're taking care
of my brother's wife.

It's cute. I like it.
It makes me happy.

Yeah, but you know what? Deb,
actually... What? We're actually...

Actually, they're
still looking around.

What do you mean,
you're looking around?

You got the best doctor
in the city right here.

No, no. I don't... We're
not looking around.

We're just... We're
exploring our options.

Oh, well, so long as
you're not looking around.

Deb... Ya know, this
is hugely insulting.

Debbie, it is not insulting.

I'm sorry, but it is.

You're saying that you don't
trust my judgment in people

And that you don't think joan is
a good enough doctor for you.

Joan: that's not
what they're saying!

That is exactly
what they're saying!

Can I have the Kn*fe, please?

I have to go to the bathroom.

She's nervous about the lunch.

John sebastian sings: ♪ did you
ever have to make up your mind? ♪

♪ And pick up on one and
leave the other behind ♪

♪ It's not often easy
and not often kind ♪

♪ Did you ever have
to make up your mind? ♪

♪ Did you ever have
to finally decide... ♪

Jamie: look at this
place. It's like a museum.

Ok. Can I say one
thing? Picasso!

Wow.

It's a woman giving
birth to her own face.

This is the fanciest room I've
ever been in in my entire life.

Ok. See? Now I
want to be a woman.

All right. Sit down.

He's gonna come in
in a minute. Sit down.

I'm sitting. I'm sitting.

What's wrong with
your hair? What?

It looks weird.

It's not.

It's pointy. Leave it alone.

Leave it alone.
Why is it pointy?

Go like this.

It's fine.

Pat it down in the back.
Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat.

Hello. Hi.

You must be paul and jamie.

You must be dr. Vonderphal.

Is it vonderphal
or von-der-phal?

'Cause I gotta tell ya,
either way, it's quite... What?

Ira: yeah. Two of the glazed.

Please.

And anything else?

Yeah, yeah. One of the twists.

And anything else?

Uh... Yeah, as a matter of fact.

Um... Who's your gynecologist?

[Door buzzer]

Debbie: who is it?

It's burt and sylvia.

Burt and sylvia buchman.

Your parents.

She knows!

Hi!

Why are you screaming?
We're not that old.

Wow. Have you changed
this place since I was here.

Got a new sofa, new
lamp, new club chair.

Where is she?

Hi, everyone.

My lord.

You are a strapping young woman.

Hello.

Hi. I'm joan.

[Over-enunciating] I'm debbie's
mother, sylvia buchman.

And I'm burt.
Burt buchman... I...

Uh, sylvia's husband
and also, debbie's father.

Can you imagine?

Here. Let me take your
coat, mrs. Buchman.

Sylvia, please. Sylvia.

Thank you.

And mr. Buchman?

You want my coat?

I do.

Hey, how about this?

You know, I'll miss the
bottom of the totem pole.

Really?

No, not really.

[Uproarious laughter]

What the hell was that?

And the camp called
and said, "I'm sorry,

But your daughter can
no longer take archery"!

[Door buzzer]

Sylvia: debbie,
she's delightful.

[Laughter]

I don't wanna go in.

Well, are you gonna come in, or are
you going to explore your options?

We brought cake.

Put it over there.

Listen, what's the
matter? Jamie: it's nothing.

It's not nothing.
It's something.

Ok. Do we have to
discuss this right now?

No, we don't have to
discuss this now. Let's eat.

Good! I'm starving.

Sylvia: me, too.

Oh! Look at those
beautiful dishes!

Where did you get them?

Rhinebeck: the crafts fair.

Oh, I love it there. We
go there. Remember, burt?

No.

Is this that soy cheese?

Yes.

Burt, this is that soy cheese.

[Sarcastically] great!

I heard about this.
Where did you get it?

Oh, a little place uptown.

I stopped in right after jamie said they
were looking for a new gynecologist,

And it wouldn't be joan.

What?

It's nothing. It's nothing.

What is this, aspic?

Uh-huh. I got that right after
paul said joan wouldn't do,

That they needed to shop around.

Deb... Sylvia, you
can understand...

Understand what?

My position. It's very...

No, no, no, I do not understand.

Joan is your
sister-in-law... Essentially.

Really?

Not only that, but, if I may,

She's a lesbian.

She knows about
these things, right?

Uh... Yes.

Thank you.

Sylvia: you know what? I
never even thought of that.

See?

You got some kind
of problem with joan?

No, no, no. No, no, no.

You know, you would expect
a little more open-mindedness

From the liberals.

Sylvia, let me
just say one thing.

What, now she's a
member of a militia group?

No, only if new york magazine

Says it's the best militia group

With the nicest bombs and
the most fashionable uniforms.

Ok. Look, paul and jamie
are choosing a doctor,

Which is a very
personal, private matter.

It's a decision which could
affect the rest of their lives,

And that is why no one, even
with the best of intentions,

Should ever dare to
put any pressure on them.

My best professional
advice is: everybody, back off.

Sylvia: you know what?

She's right.

Really?

You know, she's
quite the orator.

She certainly is...
Bottom of the totem pole.

Oh, yeah.

Consuela... [Turns vacuum off]

Let me ask you something.

[Smack]

Ira: ooh!

[Glass breaking]

Someone's going to have to marry a
bank-robbing, puppy-kicking serial k*ller

Before I stand any chance of
getting in good with your mother.

Oh, just hang in there.

Listen, the minute
my mother finds out

That you are carrying
her genetic material,

Whoosh, you're gonna fly right
to the top of her totem pole.

Or not.

Answering machine: hi. This is claudia
from dr. Vonderphal's office.

Congratulations. Dr. Vonderphal
will be able to take you on as a patient.

Please call to
arrange an appointment.

[Beep]

Huh.

Can I tell you
what I'm thinking?

Joan? Joan!

Yeah, I mean...

She's nice! She's really nice.

And she's competent.
She's competent.

She's smart. She's
competent. She's kind.

Really kind. Very kind.

Like she wouldn't
hurt a fly kinda kind.

And see why your
sister loves her.

So joan.

Joan. Yeah.

All right. There it is.

Hey, we got you a doctor.

That's our very first
parental decision.

Look at that.

Um... Little person...

Your mother and I have
decided to go with joan.

[Door buzzer]

Ok. That's the second
time that happened now.

[Door buzzer]

It's some sort of, like,
freakish thing going on there.

I'm a little uncomfortable.

I'll tell ya this.

It is not information that
women part with easily.

What?

The best gynecologist
in new york

Is apparently this
guy, dr. Vonderphal.

Oh, yeah, we know.

Yeah, but we decided
we're gonna go with joan.

Thanks, though.

Hello, debbie. Yeah,
this is your mother.

I just wanted to tell
you that your father and I

Thought that joan was wonderful.

Strapping. Yes.

Tell her strapping.

Yeah, she was wonderful,
and she was charming.

Tell her strapping.
She's strapping.

I heard you already.

But you're not saying it.

All right! So you say it.

Oh, hello, debbie.

Yeah. Joan is charming
and wonderful.

And strapping.

She's a very strapping
young woman.
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