05x05 - Burt's Building

[bunniefuu]

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo ♪

No, pop, it's not gonna
disconnect the call.

It's a hold button.
It holds the call.

Hence the name.

No, the switchhooks
disconnects the call.

The switchhooks.

The swit... No, the
two things in the midd...

[Dial tone] middle.

All right, good. So, he
found the switchhooks.

You're gonna be late
for dr. Joan again.

Explain to me how a man
forgets how to use a telephone.

You're gonna start out late,

So you're gonna sh**t late,

So you're gonna be
late for dr. Joan again.

I just think he's losing it.

My father is, like,
officially losing it now.

Just so I understand,
you don't give a rat's ass

About being late
for dr. Joan again?

I do. You know I do.

You were late for the
weighing and measurings.

All right.

You were late for the pap smear.

Yes, but come on,

Not really so much
for spectators, though.

Your child is growing
up, and you're missing it.

Sweetie, he's growing.
He's not growing up.

Are you gonna be like the
father in cats in the cradle?

What is that, the
harry chapin song?

Yes. Just tell me. Are you? No!

You can only hear
your baby's heartbeat

For the first time
for the first time.

That I'm almost sure is true.

Look, I've done
everything I could do.

I got the latest
appointment in the day.

Just promise you won't be late.

I will not be late.

Ira and i, we're
gonna pick up my pop,

We're gonna take him
out to the old building,

We're gonna sh**t
him for a little while,

Get a couple of
decent takes out of him.

Come on, how long can
that take? , Years max?

Just make sure
you get it by : .

Man, there's so many great
memories in that building.

We used to have this doorway,

And every couple of months,

My father would
measure our heights

With, like, a little
pocket Kn*fe.

Mm-hmm. See you at : .

: .

[Telephone rings]

Hello? There he is, pop-o-mine.

All right, here's what
we're gonna do, pop.

Ira and I will
collect you at : ,

And then, we'll...
Oop, you're beeping.

No. You're beeping.
You got a call waiting.

So, you press the switchhooks.

The switchhooks.

The switchhooks. The two...

Come on, you like
the switchhooks.

The switch... Ok, but
don't hold it down.

'Cause if you hold
it down, then you'll...

[Dial tone] ohh... Man.

Is he here yet?

Not yet. Is there
anything else you can do?

Well, I've seen all my patients,

Finished all my correspondence,

Alphabetized my files.

I'm thinking of
taking up painting.

I'm sorry. I'm
going to k*ll him.

But then you
couldn't yell at him,

What with him
being dead and all.

Sorry! Sorry!
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Did I miss it? I
hope I didn't miss it.

Hi, paul! You're late!
You're half an hour late!

Hi. Did I miss it?
You didn't miss it.

Ok, good.

Our little baby's heartbeat.

I am late though. Duh.

I know. As long
as I didn't miss it.

Forget about me!
What about joan?

This is so unfair to her!

It's ok. No, it's not.

I'm really sorry.

It's really ok.

All right, then
forget about joan.

Go back to thinking about me.

I begged you to be on time.

I am so sorry! I'm really sorry!

But I have a great
excuse. I really do.

Really? What?

Do you have a minute?

At this point, yes.

Ok, all right.

'Cause you are not
gonna believe the day I had.

Ira and i, we go to pick
up my father, right?

We get into the cab,
right away it starts.

- Pelham parkway, please.

All right.

- .

What?

Our old building is
- pelham parkway.

It wasn't - . It was - .

- Was the bakery.

No, no, no. -
Was the bakery.

- Was kelton's
ice skating rink.

- Was the old building.

- Was stella d'oro.

- Was stella d'oro.

Yeah. It was?

Then where was tito's?
There was no tito's.

Really? Tito's came later
after white castle closed.

Yeah. Yeah.

Please. Can I go now?

Oh, oh, yeah, but
what you want to do

Is take the east river
drive to willis avenue bridge.

It's the f.d.r. Drive. What?

It's the... It's
the f.d.r. Drive,

Not the east river drive.

It hasn't been called the east
river drive for a long time now.

Since when?

Since, roughly, f.d.r.

We should have taken
the subway at this rate.

Hey, you do not want
to take the subway

Down to this neighborhood
anymore, believe me.

Relax, will you?
It's pelham parkway.

It's not the ho chi minh trail.

It was - !

What? What was - ?

The post office.

No, no, the post
office was - .

Oh, my god. Somebody
get me a g*n.

Paul: it was - .

Burt: - ...

An annoying cab ride?
This is why you're late?

There's more. We really
expected more from you.

Then let me finish.
We gotta let him finish.

This is ok with you?

At this point, yes.
You were saying?

Ok, so we get there,

And I'm looking
at these buildings,

And I swear to god, they
look exactly the same.

And akiba, this new
cameraman, who already I hate...

Jamie: is this the one
who calls you hitchcock?

Yeah. So he says...
Hitchcock has chosen?

Not sure, akiba, ok?
Just give me a second.

I'm telling you, it's that one
with the wrought iron railing.

I know, pop, but this has
wrought iron railing, too.

So does this one.

Yeah. Show me a building that
doesn't have wrought iron railing.

All right, all right, but
our building has a stoop.

Again, pop, they
all have stoops.

Are you telling me I don't
know the building I lived in?

I'm not telling you,
I'm just asking you.

Pop: what do you know?
You were years old.

I know, but I think I
know where I lived.

Where? I don't
know. I'm not sure.

Hitchcock maybe wants us to
knock on every door in neighborhood?

Hitchcock would just like
a minute to think, ok, akiba?

Thank you.

Paul: and I want to
just clock this guy,

But you can't get him mad at you

Because "a"... He's the
cameraman and you need him,

And ... Because he
can field-strip an U*i.

And then it hits
me... This is it.

What? This one? Right here.

That's what I said.

So? You said with the
wrought iron railing.

So?

Can I tell a story
like a person?

Well... I'm trying
to give you color.

You know, there's an arc,

There's a structure.

All right, all right,
but I don't get it.

This is how she is when
we go to the movies.

So far, I don't see anything.

You're gonna see.
You're gonna see.

[Strained] go on. Ok...

So we go down the hallway,

And I realize we got
another problem.

They moved the walls!

They didn't move the walls.

Then what did they do?

They didn't do anything.

We took the stairs
instead of the elevator.

Then it's this way.
No, it's this way.

No, no. It's this way. The
first door on your left.

If you came up the elevator,

It would be the first
door on your left,

But we came up the stairs

So it's the first door
on your left this way.

Your left or my left?

We're facing the same way.

Hey, look, what's the
apartment number?

-D!

No, it's not. It's -e.

Yeah. -E?

-D! "D" as in david.

Ok. It's "e." -E.

It's -e as in edward.

Who names an apartment edward?

I think papa's right.

No. Maybe it's -c.

No, it's not. D! D!

It's -e. E... E... E as in
everybody just calm down, ok?

[Doorbell buzzes]

Man: hello?

Hello? Man: hello?

Hello?

Is somebody there?

Hi. Yes. Um, my name
is paul buchman.

I used to live in
your apartment.

Is this about the olives?

The what?

You left a can of olives.

No. Not about the olives.

'Cause I ate them.

They're not here anymore.

It's ok. We're not
here about the olives.

Which one of you was talking?

Hi. That was me.

I'm paul buchman, and this
is my father burt buchman.

My cousin ira. These
are friends of mine.

How you doin'?

Hello. Hello. Hi.

Oh... I'm osofsky.

Osofsky. Nice to
meet you, mr. Osofsky...

No! Just osofsky!

What was that? Not mr. Osofsky!

Just osofsky, all right!

I don't like "mister."

I don't like "master." Or "sir."

If I lived in spain,

I would equally dislike señor.

I don't like monikers as a
general rule. They alienate.

Yeah. Yeah. There's
no need for them here.

None. None.

Ok, no more. Thank you.

No "mister," all right?

Um... Wha... Osofsky...

What... What we're
doing, we're making a film

About my family and
their experience in america.

The film is called buchman.

Ah! That's nice. That's
a good idea. Buchman.

Oh, thank you. No "mister."

No, sir.

No. No.

Yes? That, you see,
that is a good idea!

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.

I would go to a film like that.

Well, I would certainly
hope that you would.

I find myself disappointed
with many films,

But that one I think
would be very good.

Well, isn't that nice?
Thank you very much.

Maybe you could help us out.

I'll do my best.

We, um, osofsky... Yes?

What we would like to do is,

We would like to
come in and film...

With your permission,
of course...

A very brief walking
tour of your apartment.

Just a minute.

Sure.

[Crash]

[Growling] osofsky: sit! Sit!

Sit! [Growling]

Please come in.

Uh... Fellas?

Thanks a lot.

Hey, um, watch it!

And... And watch your feet!

You'll scuff! Don't scuff!

I don't scuff.

And they were never
heard from again.

I'm sorry it's a little
bit of a mess in there,

But I know where everything is.

That's fine. Not a problem.

Akiba, why don't you set
up here in the entryway?

And then we'll pull back and find
my dad in the doorway talking and...

So, dad, I need you
to... Where'd he go?

Hey, pop?

Hey, pop? Where did he go?

Jamie: you lost him?

Lost my father!

You lost your father?!

Lost my father!

He lost his father.

Shall I stop?

Both: no, no, no, no!

Oh, this is great.
This is just great!

What?

My mother's gonna
k*ll me I lose my father.

Would you just relax, please?

Relax? My father's out
wandering around somewhere.

So what? He'll wander back.

No. See, the mind is
the first thing to go.

Like what happened with
marty lembeck's father?

What? You didn't hear?

He went out to get a haircut,

And then weeks
later they found him

Selling pocket combs
at grand central.

Jeez. Well, look,
all right, look,

We got a white male on foot,

Maximum speed
miles an hour, right?

Times minutes?

We do a block,
hard-target search.

We check every bathhouse,
henhouse, boathouse, and outhouse.

It's the fugitive. I
understand. Are you done?

Yeah. All right.
Good. You go that way.

I'm going this way.
What are you doing?

I don't think we should
split up. Why not?

Because they do
that in the movies,

Minutes later somebody
winds up with an a* in their head.

What, did you just
get hbo or something?

I'm just saying.

What, are you scared?

Hey, hey, look, I have
no idea where I am,

It's gonna get
dark, it's cold...

I think those are
legitimate grounds for fear.

It's not the woods, you know?

There's lights. You
have a coat. Still...

Meanwhile, while we're
debating this, my father could be...

Could be what?
Whatever! Who knows?

Wait a minute! What
are you thinking?

I don't even want
to think about it.

Paulie, realistically,
you think he's dead?

What are you talking about?

No, I'm curious. Do you
actually think this man is dead?

Shut up! No! Of course not!

Course not!

You know what I think?

I think he probably
just took a stroll.

You know what? That's
probably all that happened.

He took a little stroll.

Little stroll. Little stroll.

Took a little stroll
down the block.

Yeah. Little stroll.

Down one of those
dark, abandoned blocks

Where they can't
hear you scream.

All right, what is
the matter with you?

I'm a little scared.

Go that way!

Ira: uncle burt?

Paul: pop?

[Radio plays]

[Bell rings]

Irwin! Burt!

How are you? Hey, paulie.

My wife needs...
[Whispers] tampons.

And while you're at it,
a pack of chesterfields.

What size?

King.

No, the tampons.

I don't know. What size you got?

Get regular. Trust me.

Dad, can I have some candy?

Gum? No.

No, no, no. No sweets.

You'll spoil your
appetite for dinner.

Just one piece.

What did I say?

For later? Ah ah ah ah!

But it's the -pack
of bazooka gum!

"A"... It's a really good deal,

And " "... It'll
last a long time.

You don't need any more gum.

You got chiclets upstairs.

I've already spent a
fortune on the dentist.

He got his mother's teeth.

Dad, please?

Hey, what did I tell you?

Why not?

You know why not?

'Cause I'm your father, ok?

Ok, come on, we should go home.

Your mother's making pot roast.

You like pot roast.

Eh, not so much.

Not so much?

Hi. Hey.

Excuse me? Yeah?

Did an older guy, sturdy fella,
gray hair, happen to walk in here?

White?

Yeah. No.

You're the first white
person to walk in today.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Could he have come in here
maybe and you didn't notice it?

I would have noticed.

Now, why are you
looking for this guy?

He's my father. He
wandered off somehow.

Your father? Yeah.

You lost your father?

Yeah.

Man!

I'm not proud of it.

Ah, he'll turn up.
Yeah? You think so?

Yeah-huh.

You want something?

Uh, no. I just noticed you still
carry these -packs of bazooka.

Boy, I didn't even know
they made those anymore.

Yeah. Very popular.

You know, retro.

In , I came in
here with my father,

And he had his back turned,

And I actually... I
swiped one of these.

I just shoplifted
it right there.

Boy, you sound
like a real prize.

You know what?

I want to pay you back for that.

It's gum.

I know, but you know what?

I'd like to pay you for it.

No. Why not?

It's weird.

I think it would make me feel...

All right! Now, let's see,
you got a -pack of bazooka...

, Cents,
years...$ , .

What was it?

Oh, there you are!

I thought I lost you, too.

Any luck?

No. I don't like this, paulie.

All right. All right.
You know what? Let's go.

Thank you very much.

Hey, did my dad show up?

Sadly, no.

Can I use your phone?

I need to call my mother.
Maybe... Maybe he went home.

This is my favorite video.

Ma, hi, it's me.
Everything's fine.

Um, listen, just curious...

Did... Did dad call?

No... Yeah, he's with me.

It's just that he said
he was gonna call you

So I just wanted
to make sure he did.

Yeah. Oh, he's right here.

I... Put him on?

Ok. Hold on a second.

Hey, pop?

[Deep voice] yes?

It's... It's mom for you.

Yes?

What, you can't talk to her now?

I'm busy!

Yeah, he can't talk
to you now. He's busy.

She heard you. Busy!

Ok. He can't 'cause he's busy...

He's doing... We're rehearsing.

'Cause he... Yeah.
Ok. You know what?

I got to, uh...
Wha... Dad... Coming!

Ok, I gotta go. I
gotta go. Ok, bye.

What's the matter with you?

Where is he? So,
where is he now?

It's getting dark out.

Hey, what happened to the park?

What park?

The park. Herman badillo park.

Don't tell me
they paved over it.

That's on the south
side of the building.

What do you mean, south side?

You come out of the
elevator, you hang a left.

It's the south side.

[Laughter]

Pop!

Oh, boy. Look who's here.

Have you been sitting
here the whole time?

Here? You mean, here
in our old apartment?

Ok... Let me just say...

This is little paul?

Well, this is him.
Not so little.

Hey, paul. Maybe you
don't remember me.

Artie zeitlin.

We moved into this
apartment when you moved out.

You used to live downstairs.

He's got some good memory,
this kid of yours, huh?

About certain things.

Hey, listen, this is a reunion.

I'm gonna get my camera, ok?

Sure.

[Sighs]

Ok, pop, let me just say,

You were absolutely right,
and I was absolutely wrong,

And I'm sorry. I apologize.

You think I lost my mind?

Snapped? Gone completely
whack-a-ding-hoy?

No, I don't think that.

I don't think that
you've snapped.

Wait a minute!
Maybe you're right.

What?

Ok. Oh, who are you?

Are you not paul my son?

Oh, you're not
the cocker spaniel.

Yeah, ok, dad.

Rusty? Rusty! You
made your point, pop.

Don't you think I know
which one is the hold button

And which one is
the switchhooks?

I know... I thought
you did. I knew that.

I was just done talking
to you, that's all.

Which I know now. I understand.

Zietlin: where the hell
is that damn camera?

Oh, come here! Look
at this! Look at this!

Remember the growth door?

Oh, my god. Sure. Look at this!

Somehow between third grade
and fourth grade, I actually shrunk.

I think after the fourth
grade, I stopped measuring.

How come?

Oh, I don't know.

I got busy, and you were
always running someplace.

It's hard to measure a
person when they're running.

Here! Come on, come
on! Here! Stand here.

What are you doin'?
Just stand there.

What are you doin'?

I'm... I'm taking a measurement!

Dad, put that away.

You're hacking up
somebody else's wall now.

Oh, come on. Just
stand over here.

Put the key away, pop.

Just behave yourself, all right?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Let me tell you something.

I appreciate everything
you do for me.

Believe me, it hasn't
gone unnoticed...

How you take care of me,
how you keep me out of trouble.

Let me remind you of one
fact that'll be true forever

No matter how stupid I get.

I'm still your father, huh?

Come on. Here.

Let me stand against the wall.

That a boy!

There!

Boy, you had quite a spurt!

Well, between and
, I really sh*t up.

Yeah.

Look... Look how much I missed.

That's ok. No, it isn't.

Every inch counts.

When you have your kid,

You're gonna be a
much better measurer.

What do you mean? What
kid are you talking about?

I don't know. Aren't you gonna
have a kid, don't you think?

Uh... Someday. Yeah! Yeah!

And I can tell you this,
your mother's counting on it.

No, I know that. You
know what I just realized?

I gotta... I gotta be some...

If I leave now, can you
get yourself home ok?

Well... I don't know.

All right.

I don't know where I live.

Are we still in romania?

Ok, pop. Point taken.

All right.

All right.

By the way, the
cabs, they're yellow,

They have the lights on top...

Get outta here!

That was good.

Huh?

I have to admit it.

I hate to admit it,
that was very good.

You see what I'm saying?

Good excuse!

Yeah, and all true. Not
an iota of embellishment.

It didn't need it.

So will you forgive me?

Oh, I do. I do.

Me, too.

And I apologize to
you, little person.

Even though you
weren't going anywhere.

What is this?

What? Oh, my god.

I did it again.

Ha! You stole this?

Should I call the police?

That's twice in one lifetime.

Wow.

Know what? Know
what the thing is?

I'm no damn good is the problem.

I didn't know they
made this anymore.

Am I allowed to have this?

I'm not your dentist.

Cool.

All right. So, are
we ready to do this?

Yes, yes, yes. Yes, please.

All right, lie back. Put
this over your pants.

You ever heard a
baby's heartbeat before?

Never.

It's pretty wonderful.

Why am I nervous?

Me, too. I am.

Nothing to worry about.

Here you go.

Ok...

Where are you, little rascal?

Come on...

Hey, come on, now.

Honey, talk to the baby.

Hey, little baby, come on.

Let's hear that heartbeat.

Don't be shy.

Hey, you have to do this.

You know why?

'Cause I'm your father.

[Rapid little heartbeat]

And there it is.

[Gurgling]

Hey, hey! Oh, that's a
milky way bar I had before.

[Sloshing]

Soup.

[Whining]

Something I had in high
school. Couldn't tell you.

[Radio noise]

Wow! Luis aparicio
rounding third.

[Growling] I don't know.