05x06 - Jamie's Parents

[bunniefuu]

[Whistling a tune]

[Hums]

Sweetie, could you please
get that away from me?

'Cause of the nausea?

I'm sorry.

How's it over here? All right?

No.

Ok.

Good right here?

No good.

Standing here?

I just... I really can't.

Ok.

Over here?

No.

I'll see you later.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪

♪ And I'll tell
you most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really
true this time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers,
I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is
you, so, darling ♪

♪ Help me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper in my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what
happens after here? ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

Please don't do that.

Oh, relax.

You're stealing.

That is stealing.

You have to taste this.

Ah, look at this.

It's like shopping with
thelma and louise now.

I got the tang.

Just please tell me, how do
your parents subsist on this stuff?

Instant coffee, instant soup.

Ahh! Swiss miss.

Remember when mom
used to make this for us?

So the words "just add water"

They find very appealing?

They're gonna be
here for two days.

Let's feed them what they like.

Whatever they don't eat

We can put in the b*mb shelter.

Oh oh oh. Ecch ecch. Fat free.

This is how we ate it
when mom wasn't around.

Ecch.

Oh, don't be a food snob.

I'm not a snob.

I just don't like to
eat like an astronaut.

If you need me, I'll be
by the bottled water.

We could get something
for you and poppy

To take to the jet game.

Well, do they make
a powdered beer?

Candy corn. He likes candy corn.

Grown man, he likes candy corn.

What tickets did you end
up getting for your mom?

bring in da noise,
bring in da funk.

I'm sorry. "Da noise? Da funk?"

That's right. "Da
noise, da funk."

Yeah, right. I think maybe
in your case it might be

"The noise, the funk."

Title of the show
is "da noise, da funk."

Yeah, well, you know what?

Let's just agree there's
noise and there's funk,

And at some point during
the evening it's brought in.

I don't know if it's just
late, or I'm getting older,

But I'm actually looking
forward to seeing my parents.

I am, too.

Not that late.

What, I can't enjoy
your parents?

Your father and I are up to
three things we can talk about.

We got sports, politics, and
recently we added the stock market.

'Course, after
that there's a lull

Makes you wanna put
your head through a wall.

They are so excited
about their trip.

Why will they not tell
us where they're going?

I don't know. They want to keep
it a surprise for some reason.

Huh. You know what'd
be a real surprise?

Like, yemen.

I bet they're gonna go
to the south of france.

My mother's always wanted to go.

France is good.

I hope we get to take a
big, romantic trip like that.

So where would we go?

Where would you wanna go?

I don't know. Kentucky?

Kentucky? That to you
is the payoff of life?

Maybe. Puerto rico?

Oh, man, how do you get
out of bed in the morning?

I didn't do anything.

This was partially open already.

I thought it was a sample.

They're gonna be
here any minute.

I know, I know. I'm almost done.

Ok, here's my father,
lake george, .

A perfect reason why you
don't wear sandals with socks.

Ow.

Ow?

Mother jumper.

Mother jumper?

I'm trying to give up swearing.

For the baby? Yes, for the baby.

You think the baby
doesn't know what you mean

When you say "mother jumper"?

I thought all this was
gonna be out of here by today.

It is. I just need
a little more time.

How much?

Just a couple of,
like, six months.

I was hoping this could
be the baby's space.

Here? No. No. This is
perfect for all my storage.

Can't we put the
baby somewhere else?

Where were you
thinking, under the sink?

Yeah. You know,
just till it's .

Can you at least
put it into piles?

Yeah, look, perfect. Nice piles.

[Buzzer]

Ow! Fu... ♪ Or crying out loud ♪

For the baby.

Yes, for the baby. Coming!

All right, tell me
again with your mother,

Because I blew it last time.

When she says something
is bad, that means it's good.

No. Good is bad.

Good is bad.

Good is bad, like is
loathe, love is hate.

When are you gonna get this?

I got it. So what
is actually good?

Nobody knows.

Hi.

Hi.

You made it. You made it.

We made it. We made it.

Hi. How was your drive in?

Oh, good.

Good.

Oh.

Can I get you anything?

Are you thirsty at all?

Oh, am i.

"Am i."

So you are?

Yeah?

What'd she just say?

No. Ok, all right,

[Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz]

Oh, hold it.

[Buzz buzz]

That's poppy.

Hi.

How's my girl?

Ah, my little girl.

Look at that
beautiful little face.

Heh heh heh.

Same little face as
when she was years old.

Am I right, theresa?

Same little face.

How you doing, gus?

Ah, yeah. Fine, fine, paul.

Nice to see you. Take your coat?

Yeah, who needs it?

You didn't by any chance

Buy some instant coffee?

Yes, I did. Oh, good.

We'll be right back.

So, gus, how you doing?

Can't complain.
Can't complain. You?

Good. Good.

Work going well?

Work very well.

Uh-huh.

Who do you like
in the super bowl?

Super bowl, uh,

Either pittsburgh, or, uh...

Who's the ones with
the big... Green bay.

Green bay, yeah.

Stock market's doing well.

Stock market, hey, god bless.

Who'd you vote for?

I don't wanna tell you.

All right.

There it is.

So, uh...

So, uh,

So tell us about this
big trip you're taking.

Where you going?

I guessed the south of france.

Uh, guess again.

Huh, I got it. Greek isles.

Guess again.

Uh... I don't know,
african safari?

Guess again.

Paul: wow.

An rv?

Come on in and tell
me how you like it.

Ah, it's really nice.

Yeah, it's really, really nice.

This little puppy
is gonna take us

All over the united states.

We're gonna stop
at every campsite

Between here and saskatchewan.

Saskatchewan. Really?

It gets dark at
: in the morning.

Now, how long is
that gonna take you?

Oh, two glorious months.

We're very excited.

Well, would you like a tour?

Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

This is the kitchen.

This is the living room,

The bedroom, the
dining room, and the den.

Well, should we all
adjourn to the dining room?

Yes.

Sure. Let's do that.

There's the table
there behind you.

Table is there.

Take it easy with the table.

Pull. Now, we need over there...

The table goes in here.

Is this the thing?

The pole, put the
pole in the hole

In the floor.

Pole's in.

Don't strip the threads, now.

I won't strip the threads.

Hey, theresa, don't break it.

I'm not breaking it.

I'm only trying to help here.

Here we go. Whoop. Whoop.

Turn it. That's it.

You did it. All right, sit.

I'm sitting.

All right, I'm sitting, too.

There you go.

No, no, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Don't worry about that.

That's the way to do it.

I'll get that with
the sponge later.

Whoop.

Ha ha ha.

[Sighs]

[Ding] dinner.

Ahh...

Theresa: I'm sorry it's such
a tight little squeeze.

No, it's fine. It's fine.

[Ding]

Dinging, dinging. It's dinging.

It's dinging.

Yes. You know,

It's just a blessing
about this broiler,

Fact that it only fits
one steak at a time.

That way, the meal stays
hot from beginning to end.

The mashed potatoes?

Oh, they're under the table.

Oh, and... I got them.

If anybody wants some rolls,

I have them warming
here under the map light.

Theresa, darling,

Sit down and enjoy your meal.

Mom, sit down.

Yes. Here we are.

All right, all right.

Everybody's happy now.

[Ding] the carrots.

Mom, I don't think
there's gonna be room.

That's what you think.

Now watch this.
Show them, theresa.

Oh. All right.

Paul, you take the
butter and the sour cream,

And you put it up there on
the shelf above your head.

Darling, you take
the wine bottle

And squeeze it down there
by the fire extinguisher.

All right, now everybody
put their cole slaw bowls

In their laps...
Yeah. All right.

And if anybody wants
the salt and pepper,

They're in the sink.

Ta-da.

Ooh, I hate to do this to you.

Oh, what, darling?
Want some ketchup?

No. I, believe it or not,

I actually have to
get up and use the, uh...

Are you kidding me?

Sorry.

Um, all right, I'm
sure I can climb out.

I did it last time.

Wait, wait, darling,

I think I might have
a better idea. Um...

All right, everybody
slide your mashed potatoes

Over to the side of your plates.

Now, put your glasses

In the place where the mashed
potatoes were on your plates.

Now, hold your plates
above your heads.

I'll steady all of this.

Now, gus, you lift up the table,

And paul, you crawl
under the table.

Who's gonna hold
the plate over my head

If I have to crawl...
Here. I will. I will.

You know what, everybody?

It's ok. False alarm.

False alarm.

You sure?

Yeah, it's ok. Really. I
don't have to get up.

Well, I'm sorry, paul.

I apologize.

I think a person ought
to be able to get up

And go to the
bathroom like a person.

It's ok, really.
It's not a problem.

In the army, we were
taught to hold it.

Yes, well, this is peacetime.

But it builds
character holding it in.

It doesn't build character.

It builds an obstruction

In your urinary tract.

Gus: no, it does not.

The boy has to pee.

That's ok. I really don't.

Yes, you do.

No, he doesn't.

Yes, he does.

He really doesn't.

He really does.

The boy stays here.

Then the boy pees in his pants.

No, he doesn't.

You have to pee in your pants

In this godforsaken box.

That's ridiculous.

That's it. We should
all be wearing diapers.

We don't need
diapers in this unit.

It's state-of-the-art.

It's a nightmare.

This is a nightmare!

[Ding]

Who wants the first jell-o?

Oh, that was weird.

Oh, it was not weird.

That was just horrible.

It wasn't horrible.

To erase that from my memory,

I would gladly give up
a finger or something.

I would lose the
pinkie of my left hand

To have never witnessed that.

Thank you. I get it.

You're saying that
was no big deal?

It was no big deal.

Excuse me, that
expl*si*n of anger,

That was nothing?

Who knows my parents
better, me or you?

Ok, you.

[Buzzer]

Ok, and I'm telling you

That twice a year
for two seconds

They have an argument.

It passes, and that's it.

All right, so good.
You know your parents.

I'm leaving your father.

Listen, mom, you're going
right back downstairs.

Come on, this is ridiculous.

I am not going right
back downstairs.

I told you, your
father and I are done.

You're not done.

You don't end a -year marriage

Because of a vacation.

Ho. This trip was
just the final straw.

This has been brewing

Ever since the electric
can-opener incident.

The electric can-opener
incident was in .

Fine. Fine.

Paul, do you know
of a good hotel

In this neighborhood?

You know, uh...

Uh, I don't recall.

You slept in my
house for years.

All right, all right,
oh, my god. All right.

You can stay here tonight, but
first thing tomorrow you gotta...

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take
a long, hot bath

In a real bathroom.

Ok, see, I still haven't peed.

What am I gonna do?

I don't know.

There's nothing much you can do.

She's left your father.

She hasn't left my father.

Ok, maybe I'm just going
off of her sentence,

"I've left your father."

Theresa: your mildew

Is in such interesting patterns.

Oh, it's bad, so she
saying it's good.

No, I get it now. All right.

So you're going to the
game tomorrow. You...

We're still gonna
go to the game?

You're going to the game.

You talk to him.
I'll talk to her.

Afterwards we'll bring
them both back here.

They'll sit down
and they'll discuss it.

Minutes, it'll be solved.

You think that's
gonna actually work?

They're acting like children.

We'll treat them like children.

Good. So our parents
are our children.

Our children will
be our children.

Which makes me my
own grandfather.

Do you think the jets
are gonna win one game?

Well, it ain't
gonna be this one.

Did you see what
that guy perot said?

Oh, yeah. I read that.

Nutcase.

Oh, perot?

But ibm, huh?

Oh, ibm, yeah.

Wow.

You know, gus, I'm sure you
don't want to talk about this,

But last night

The... The whole
thing, I mean...

I just... No pressure, but if
you want to talk about it,

I'd be more than happy
to talk to you about that.

You're a nice kid.

Throw the ball.

Tequila, straight up.

Club soda, please.

Club soda? Have
a drink, you freak.

I don't want a drink.

Well, I do. I'm nervous.

I mean, look,

My whole identity is
based on mom and dad

Being trapped in a
loveless marriage.

If they break up and find
happiness, well, what happens to me?

They're not trapped
in a loveless marriage,

And they're not breaking up.

Are too. Are too.

She's been in there a long time.

Yeah. Probably
weeping uncontrollably.

[Laughs]

You're so right.

Well, it was lovely
talking to you.

Look, here's my
daughter's number.

That's where I'm
staying temporarily,

And look, you call me and
we'll hit that spinning class.

Mom, you are really
weirding me out.

Well, get over it.

Hello.

Both: mom!

You're embarrassing us.

Look, this has gone far enough.

As soon as this play is over,
we are marching back home.

You are gonna sit
down and talk to poppy

And work this thing out,

And I don't want to hear
another word about it.

No, I'm not, and
you can't make me.

I don't want to
overstep any bounds

As a son-in-law here.

I just... I just want
us... Don't you think

That after all...

Don't you think
that before you go

On this trip without your wife

That it's worth
trying to sit down

And talk to her one more time?

I don't think so.
Fumble! Fumble.

Come on, gus, you
gotta work with me, here.

Come on, defense.
Let's go, defense.

Think about it, think about
all the years in there.

Look, you're a
nice kid, sweet kid.

You're a lovely kid,

But you don't have
all the answers.

How many years you married?

Five years.

Oh, five years.

Years.

Imagine for years

Trying to translate
everything your wife is saying.

Why?

Because she talks in a code.

Well, I can't cr*ck that code.

All I know is she's
always unhappy,

And it's always my fault.

So now I want to take
this nice little trip

Around the country,

And if she wants
to go, she can go.

But if she doesn't wanna go,

I'm gonna go by myself.

That's all there is.

That's it.

Come on, tackle somebody.

Is he with you?

No.

They're in the rv.

They're saying good-bye.

Wow.

I know.

What are they doing?

You don't split
up after years.

What is that?

Well, maybe you do if you're...

If you're really unhappy.

They're happy.

Ok.

They were happy.

I'm sure they were.

No, no, honestly, they were.

They were like us.

It's like they were meant to be.

I understand.

So what, so suddenly now,

Not so much meant to be

As totally wrong for one other?

I don't know. You
know, people change.

You know, things change.

Wow.

You base your life on
a few simple principles.

Gravity, the earth
revolves around the sun,

Your parents should be together.

You know what, baby?

I think the two of them
have been together so long...

That's what I'm gonna do.

What?

I'm gonna tell them.

Tell them what?

About the baby. Come
downstairs with me.

No, I didn't say baby.

I was calling you baby.

I didn't say baby.

They're not gonna split up

If they know I'm carrying
their grandchild.

That would be in horrible taste.

First of all, we're
not telling people yet.

These aren't people.
These are my parents.

Ok, whatever. Two...
Do you want that

To be the reason
they stay together?

If that's what it takes.

They're making a mistake.

Maybe they are.

So, am I supposed
to let that happen?

No. You tell them how you feel,

But you've done that.

Anything more that, I
don't think it's our place.

Just indulge me. Please.

Ok. Thank you.

Your father just left.

Oh, my god.

Here.

Oh, honey.

It's ok.

It's ok.

No, it's not.

We said good-bye,
and it was nice,

And we said we'll talk
again in a couple of months,

And we'll see.

You know what I think you need?

A nice cup of swiss miss.

Ok.

As luck would have it,

We have some in the house.

Of course you do.

You know, that's why
I think that someday

The two of you are gonna
make terrific parents,

And I think I'll make an
even greater grandmother

Than I am a mother.

I can't wait.

Mom. Hmm?

Me, neither.

The tums?

Go to the overhead compartment.

No, no. Not that one.

The one next to the sun porch.

Yeah, now step up
on the spare battery.

No. Those are the flares.

Yes, they are.

No. Yes, they are.

Yeah. Ok, now, the tums
are next to the deviled ham.

Ice fishing, really?

That sounds good.