05x10 - Chicken Man

[bunniefuu]

Huh.

Huh.

Huh.

What?

Huh.

That's all I'm saying.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

All right, question.

Which voice do we like
better to narrate buchman?

Voice "a," which we'll
call mellifluous and rich...

Mellifluous voice: it was
in the summer of ,

Selling towels
at lake mo-honkwa,

That jules met and courted
his future wife evelyn.

A little too mellifluous?

A little bit.

All right, now, voice ,

Which we'll call
friendly yet intelligent.

Friendly voice: it was
the summer of ,

Selling towels
at lake mo-honkwa,

That jules met and courted
his future wife evelyn.

It's maybe thin, a little
thin? It's kind of thin.

A little thin.

[Grunting]

Are you sucking in?

Yes, I'm sucking in.

You know who I'd
love to get to narrate

Is that guy from
mighty fine chicken.

That guy, boy, he
could sell chicken to...

People that don't like chicken.

Ohh! Damn it.

What's the matter?

I don't fit into
these pants anymore.

Sweetie, you know
how many pants I have

That I don't fit into anymore?

Yeah. You're not
getting fatter and fatter

For months in a row.

Sadly, that's not true.

Are you telling me there's
nothing in the closet here?

I've tried them all, all
the pants, all the skirts.

You know, they have
stores that sell clothes.

You can buy from them.

All right, all right. I have a big
shopping day with fran and lisa today.

There you go.

Right after I have my
talk with brockwell.

Oh. You going to tell
him about the baby today?

Yes. It's going to
be such a relief

To be out of the
closet with this thing.

Good for you. You know what?
You'll feel so much better...

Help me!

All right, all right.

How do you think
he's going to react?

Brockwell?

He'll be thrilled.

He's an enlightened
guy, he loves kids,

And he's going to
love the p.r. Angle

Of his campaign chairman
being an expectant mother.

Assuming she can
close her pants.

Tell the baby to inhale.

Sweetie, inhale so mommy
can leave the house.

Come on. Think thin.

[Inhales]

Ok.

Thinner.

I'm thinking thin!

Think a little thinner.

Ok, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen...

The zipper is closed.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Honey.

Thank you.

Ok, I just spoke with the
guy in ed koch's office.

And?

And he says koch is not
willing to endorse us.

But he did give us what I
consider a very interesting quote.

What?

He said that "independent
candidate lance brockwell

Is entirely delectable."

What?

"Independent candidate
lance brockwell..."

No, no. "Delectable"?

"Entirely delectable."

Do you think possibly
he said "electable"?

Oh, that is so less interesting.

Call them back and confirm.

jawohl, mein kommandant.

What? Calling them back.

Jamie, I thought you
might be interested in this.

What is it?

It's from la guardia's niece.

La guardia the mayor?

Mm-hmm. Fiorello la
guardia had a niece dorothy

Who's now, but she
wrote some very lovely

And encouraging
comments to us all.

Isn't that sweet?

It's very sweet.

It's not exactly the endorsement
I've been praying for, but...

Jamie, la guardia was
enormously popular.

You know, during the fiscal
upheaval of the great depression...

Lance... It was "electable."

Ed koch says you are electable.

Really?

Well, that's certainly
something, isn't it?

Yes, it certainly is. Lance,
could I speak with you

In your office for a moment?

Sure. Oh, this is very
exciting news, jamie.

I'm electable.

You know, ed koch has
enormous populist appeal.

He certainly does.

I think we need
to court him, jamie.

Ed koch loves to be courted.

We can absolutely do that.

I'll start working
on it this afternoon.

Meanwhile, there is some
other interesting news.

Yes? Um, well,

It's not news to me,
but it's news to you.

Oh, god. We're out
of it, aren't we? What?

We always knew we had
virtually no chance of winning,

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised,
in fact, maybe even relieved.

No, no, no, no, lance.

It's other news. It has
nothing to do with the campaign.

This is, uh, personal news.

It's great news, actually,

And I thought it was
about time that I tell you.

I'm... Uh... Pregnant.

You are?

Yes.

Ha ha ha ha!

That is wonderful!

Oh, that's just extraordinary!

Ha ha ha ha!

Now, listen, I don't want
you to think for one second

That I am abandoning you.

Oh, jamie, please.

The baby isn't due
until late spring,

And I plan to give you and
this campaign everything I have,

Just as I promised.

Jamie, I have absolute
confidence in you.

Now, let's just take a
moment and savor, shall we?

I mean, this is what
life is all about.

Hey, everybody... Oh,
listen, is it all right

If I share this with the staff?

Well, we're not really
telling people yet.

That's not really true, is it?

You sure let it slip to me.

Yeah.

I'm just not used to it yet,

But, uh, yes, all right,
we're telling people.

I guess we are.

Well, may i?

Yes.

Yeah!

Everybody, could I have
your attention, please?

I have a very
exciting piece of news.

Uh-oh.

Our esteemed
campaign chairman...

Is expecting a baby.

That's great!

Congratulations!

Jamie, that is wonderful!

Thank you.

Of course, of course.

That's why every time
we need you the most,

You're off in the
bathroom peeing.

It's wonderful!

The story of america

Can be told... In many ways.

Most simply, it's about people,

Families that came
from other lands

To find their home
on our shores.

Our story is about
one such family.

The buchmans.

[Laughing maniacally]

Thank you.

Uh, buchman is not so
much a horror movie,

So I wonder, can you try it
with a little less foreboding?

Maybe lose the sinister cackle?

No.

What do you mean, no?

That voice is what I do.

It's my thing.

Is it your only thing?

Yes.

Thank you.

Did I get it?

We'll let ya know.

Know what I think?

What?

We ain't gonna find anybody.

I thought you wanted
that chicken guy.

I called his agent.
He wants $ , .

A voice guy?

Yeah. Voice-over's
very lucrative business.

A lotta big celebrities do it.

Yeah? Like who?

Like, uh, you know
the guy who says,

"This is cnn"?

James earl jones.

Darth vader?

Same guy.

This is cnn.

Luke, I am your f... You're
right. That is the guy.

Same guy.

You know what, though?
He'd be good for this.

Oh, gee. D'you think so?

Yeah. Why don't you get him?

I can't even get chicken guy.

How am I gonna get
james earl jones?

Call him up. And say what?

I dunno.

[Deep voice] this
is paul buchman.

So you didn't like
the short guy, huh?

What, the guy who
whistled his ss?

Yeah. No.

I hardly noticed
the ss. [Whistles]

Are you kiddin' me?

[Whistling ss] sailor on an open
sea surviving solely on soup?

It didn't bother me.

There were dogs in
virginia turnin' around.

You know something, pauly?

If this is only a
question of money,

I could lend you the dough to,
you know, hire the chicken guy.

No. I couldn't take your money.

Sure, you could. It
would be no problem.

I'd be investing in a movie.

It would be exciting for me.

I'd be, you know, I'd be
doing something new.

Yeah, but, you know, you
mix family with business...

Pauly, come on!

I'll be a silent investor.

I'm just a money guy.

Oh, you're a money guy now?

Yeah, I'm the money guy.

See? The money guy.

You need money, I'm the guy.

I'll tell you what, save
your money, money guy.

Maybe we'll get lucky
with our next contestant.

[High voice] I'm here
for the buchman job.

Who do I make the check out to?

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, chief... What
are you doing?! Give me that!

Troy, you really don't...

Nonsense. Now put your
stuff down, get off your feet,

And let others do for you.

You know, the baby's not
due for quite some time.

Well, you can never
be too careful... Uh-uh!

Is this chair ok for you?

It's fine.

Well, maybe you'd
like to take this one.

It has stronger back support.

It's ok. Take the chair.

I don't need the chair.

Give her your chair!

Troy, what are you doing?

You're pregnant. I'm being nice.

Well, cut it out.

Jamie, can I get you anything?

No. Thank you. All
right, everybody.

I appreciate the nice thoughts,

But I am not a porcelain doll.

I am exactly the same
person I was yesterday,

So everybody can
just relax. Thank you.

And this is our nerve
center, our w*r room.

This is brockwell headquarters.

I used to come here
when it was a kinko's.

Jamie, can I see you a second?

Yes, sir.

Troy: wow! What?

Are you two sisters?

I don't... Believe so.

Get outta here.

I'm, uh, jamie buchman.

Hi. Molly norman.

It's like a mirror image.

There is a similarity.

Good god! Now there's of you.

Why does your name
sound so familiar?

I worked in governor
pataki's office.

Possibly from that.
That's probably it.

I happened to bump
into molly yesterday,

And she mentioned that she
was between projects right now,

And I thought... Given
the circumstances,

It would be a good idea to
sort of... Reinforce the troops.

What circumstances?

Your circumstances.

Ah. Those circumstances.

Um, you look great!

You can hardly even
tell you're pregnant.

Well, I am.

Molly's here to help you
in any way she can, jamie.

I think you'll find her
a tremendous help.

I just wasn't actually
aware I needed more help.

No. I... I didn't say you
do, but... But you might.

So... So.

I am so glad you're here.

I'm a very big fan of your work.

I've really had a good response

From those chicken spots.

Whoop. I'm hungry.

He just makes that
word sound so succulent.

Chick-en.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop it or, I swear, I'm going
to have to break for lunch.

Pauly, pauly, pauly.
Tick, tick, tick, tick.

Ok. Ok. All right.

Uh, why don't we start.

All right.

Why don't you just
read it from the top,

And, uh, we'll have
a listen in here.

Ok.

The story of america
can be told in many ways.

Most simply, it's about people,

Families that came
from other lands

To find their home
on our shores.

Our story is about
one such family.

The buchmans.

Wow. I've heard it times,

And that's the first
time... Little tear.

Well, I do what I can.

Why don't we try
and get one in the can

Before you're hit by lightning
or something, all right?

Yes. Ahem. Could I just
have my water, please?

Your water? My vittel.

Didn't my agent
tell you about it?

Oh, yeah. She told me.

Uh, I'm the producer.
I got it right here.

Who said you're a producer?

Here we go.

Now, that's not vittel.

Yeah, I know. They
didn't have vittel,

But, y'know, water
is water, right?

I find that brand oily.

How can water be oily?

Well, it is, and it
coats my vocal cords.

Ha ha ha. Coats
your vocal cords?

It's fine. It's fine.

I don't mean to be difficult,

But my voice is my instrument,

And I'm very particular
about what I use to lubricate it.

To lubricate it?

Ok. That's fine.

We'll get you a
bottle of vittel.

Pauly, listen to me.

They're chargin' us
by the hour here, ok?

A lot. By the hour.

The man wants a
bottle of vittel.

He wants water! I
brought him water!

You mean to tell me he can
actually tell the difference?

Oh, great. Now my
voice is tightening.

Just give us one minute here.

Listen to me. I deal with
workers all the time.

They're always tryin'
to pull stuff like this.

The man is a talented artist.

Artist! The guy's chicken man!

Chicken... Man?

He didn't mean that.

Listen, I thought this
little movie would be fun,

But clearly, now
it's not going to be.

And the fact is that chicken
man has made so much money

From his chicken work,

That chicken man doesn't need
to deal with morons like you.

Actors. Yeah.

No. Producers!

Ok. Item number : the
ed koch endorsement.

I have some thoughts.

I'm sure, but this has to
be written in lance's voice,

So rather than torturing you
and making you write drafts,

I'll just take it myself.

All right.

Ok. Number : the deputy
mayor preinterviews.

I can take that.

I appreciate that, molly,

But I think it's easier if I'm
just sort of the clearinghouse.

All right.

Is there anything else, or
should I just go screw myself?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Molly, god. I, uh, I meant
absolutely no offense.

I just think it's tough, you know,
for a new person to just jump right in.

Take a few days, get
acquainted, get to know the place,

Grab a doughnut,
and if, by the way,

There's some type of doughnut

Or something that you want
that we don't have, you tell me.

I will.

Hey.

Hey.

You ready?

Ready for what?

For what? For clothes shopping.

You blew me off yesterday.

We are gonna buy
everything above a size .

Ok. Well, as fetching
as that sounds...

Jamie, what's wrong with you?

Nothing. Nothing...
Excuse me. Nothing, ok,

Except that I've got a
letter, a position paper,

And interviews to get through

Before the end of the day. Why?

Why? Because I'm
running a campaign here.

I... I know, but you
have all these...

All right, all right,
all right. Come on.

We'll take half an hour,

We'll go to klarik's, and
we'll grab something. Come on.

I can't buy bread in
half an hour. Come on.

Troy: new york times, line one.

I'll take it. No, no, no, wait!

I'm actually... Expecting a
very important phone call.

Hello. Can I help you?

That's ok. We already subscribe.

Hey, little baby,
repeat after me.

"A" is for apple.
"B" is for... Buh...

Boyfriend.

What are you doing?

I'm teaching her to read.

How can you buy anything
if you don't try it on?

Look. It fits. Let's move.
I'm on a tight schedule.

Ok, and the minute your
parents give you a hard time,

You feel like running away,

Ok, you come right to my house.

We'll have pancakes for dinner

And, um, watch violent
movies on cable. Ok?

And... And you go to bed at
a.m., Young lady, no earlier.

Only you could corrupt a
child that's still in the womb.

It's my skill.

This is supposed
to be a big day.

It is the first time you are
buying maternity clothes.

I don't know about
you, but I'm excited.

I'm excited.

You don't seem it.

Believe me. Brockwell
hears I'm pregnant,

Turns around and hires
some twit with my haircut

To do my job?

Believe me, I'm highly excited.

I think you're overreacting.

Really? Because I don't.

"C" is for condom!

What?

Never too early to teach her.

Get out of here.

Jamie, sit down, stay awhile.

Give us a little pleasure.

Try something on!

Thanks. I don't have
time to sit down.

Oh.

Wow.

Are you ok?

Oh, my god.

Here. Here.

Sit.

Suddenly, sitting down
makes a little more sense.

Ok. You ready? Here
we go. This is great.

The, uh, story of america
can be fold many ways.

Fold? No.

Can be told many ways.

Most simply, it is about
the p... The purple...

The p... The... I'm sorry.

The people, the
families... A family?

Most simply, it
is about families

That come from... From...

From other lands
to fill... What?

Come from other lands to
find their homes on our shores.

You're reading at a
kindergarten level.

Well, what's the difference?

We bought the
place for the day...

Hey, hey, hey. You wanna sing?

No, I don't want to sing.

Why not? We got a lull.

No. Excuse me.
This is not a lull.

A lull would be if the guy said,

"You guys are morons.
I'll be right back."

This is called the
end of the day.

All right, all right,
so I got a few things

To learn about
the producer thing.

Who said you're a producer?
You're not a producer.

You're my cousin,
who lent me money.

That hurts, pauly.

You know, I'd like
to be your producer.

What do I gotta do?

You know what you gotta
do? You gotta produce.

You gotta learn to produce.

Find you what the project
needs, then produce that.

So fine. So that's
all you need to say.

Y'know? I mean,
hey, I'm new at this.

There's room for
improvement. [Telephone rings]

I acknowledge that, but what
the hell... [Telephone rings]

Hello? Mm-hmm.

When?

Uh-huh. Be right there.

When I was a kid, third grade,

Doin' that production
of... I think it was oklahoma.

Poor judd is dead and
not a dry eye in the house...

Pauly, where did you
go? Where did he go?

Please say everything's ok.

Everything's ok.

Oh, my god. Thank god.

Got a little cocky
there, didn't ya?

Thought you could just
barrel through this pregnancy,

Miles an hour?

Babies are sorta
like traffic cops.

If you don't slow down,
they give you a ticket.

I thought I told you about
this a couple of months ago.

How many hours a
day are you working?

Uh, well, it varies.

You know, uh, ,
... Sometimes .

Do I need to tell
you what I'm thinking?

No.

Hey. Hey. What's going on?

I got dizzy.

Lisa just said you
got really dizzy.

I got a little dizzy.

The baby...

The baby's the only
sane one in this family.

Are fran and lisa ok out there?

They're fine.

Lisa's reading
highlights magazine.

She's just workin'
too hard, isn't she?

You have to quit your job.
You have to stop workin'.

You have to get into bed

And just stay there
for the next months.

I don't think that's necessary.

Well, can I do that, then?

My advice is much simpler.

Slow down.

Slow way down.

Yeah, that's easy to say.

You have no idea... I've made a
commitment to this campaign.

If you knew the stress
and the pressure...

Didn't they just hire this
woman just to help you?

Yes! Exactly! Can
you believe that?

So... What's so bad?

What's so bad? I've
worked for this man...

You know what?
Come on. Let's go.

Beautiful mother-to-be,
I'm taking you home.

Can any of you guys
find a boot in this tree?

Ah. Look at that.

It's still light out, and
I'm home for the day.

Well, get used to it,

Because you're gonna
see a lot more light

And a lot more days

And a lot more of you
sitting nicely on a couch.

Now sit down.

Ooh. I have to call molly.

No, you don't
have to call molly.

No. I have to apologize to her.

You don't have to
apologize to her tonight.

I was really awful
to this woman.

I'm sure you weren't that awful.

You know the kind
of awful I can be,

Where it wouldn't
hold up in court,

But when I'm finished, you
don't wanna live anymore?

Well, you should call her.

This is what I'm saying.

But tomorrow. You'll
call her tomorrow.

Come on. Joan said
you have to take it easy.

You and i, we're gonna sit
here, we're gonna watch tv.

Ooh. What are you doin'?

I'm putting on crossfire.

No, no, no. Come on.

Joan says you
gotta take it easy.

So? So sit down,

And you're not gonna
watch crossfire.

We're gonna watch
wheel of fortune.

[Whimpers]

Honey? Now what?

We gotta feed murray.

No, I will do
that. You will sit.

Not you.

You. Sit.

Sit!

Would you just... Stay.

Good girl.

[Telephone rings]

Honey... Stay.

Come on. This
will be like a test.

It could be work.

Could be.

[Ring]

It could be important.

It could be.

It could be your work.

[Answering machine picks up]

You know, I will
stay if you stay.

Deal.

[Beep]

Ira: pauly, it's me. Pick up.

Pauly. Pauly.

Listen... Oh, man.

I did some producing today.

I made a few calls.

Guess who I got to
narrate our movie?

Here. Here's a hint... Go ahead.

James earl jones: now?

Ira: yeah. Now.

Paul... This is buchman.

Now, this is the water
you gave chicken man.

Pauly, it tastes
just like water.

This is the premium brand

Preferred by chicken man.

Wow. That is good. See?

Pauly, this is beautiful water.

My throat is
entirely lubricated.

See? Now compare and contrast.

Your water...
He's right. It's oily.

Yes. And his water.

This is nectar of the heavens.

Yes. It's got a wonderful body.

Mm-hmm.

Very smooth... Somewhat flowery.