05x11 - The Recital

[bunniefuu]

A... Everything
about it is appealing,

Everything the
traffic will allow,

And ... This is really what
you gotta keep in mind...

Nowhere can they
get that happy feeling

When you are stealing
that extra bow.

So what you're saying is,

There's no business
like show business?

That's all I'm saying.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

I can't believe you bought
all of these maternity clothes.

How long were you
pregnant, like years?

Ok, can I say something?

I know, it's the ugliest
dress you've ever seen.

Pretty close.

You won't care.

All right, now, come on, this...

This is very fetching.

Yeah. You wear it then.

[Off-key violin music playing]

What the hell is that?

That's ryan.

Doing what?

The violin, silly.

No, no, I knew it was
a string instrument.

I just thought
maybe it was a harp.

Wow.

His teacher says he's a
regular jascha heifetz.

Was he good?

Ryan! Play the mendelssohn!

Ryan: I don't know how.

Our kid could
take violin lessons.

That would be great.

Hey! Ryan's class is
having a recital next friday.

You guys should come.

That could be fun. Yeah.

I played in a
recital when I was .

I played the moonlight sonata.

We got a letter from beethoven's
estate saying "cut it out."

Friday afternoon
we have that thing.

What thing?

That thing with your parents.

My parents don't have a thing.

You remember, that thing.

They certainly don't have a
thing in the middle of the day.

All right, we'll be there.

Oh, the thing.

With my parents.

Yeah. I'll just
call and cancel it.

Ooh! This is the good part.

Oh, my god.

What?

Um, fran, do you...
Do you think possibly

Ryan could take
just a... A little break?

Maybe sort of like a
medium-sized break?

Why, is it bothering you?

I... I just have a
little headache.

From this? It's
turkey in the straw.

That is exactly it.

My... I've always had a problem
with turkey in the straw,

Even in the best of hands.

We saw itzhak perlman do
it once with the boston pops.

I wanted to sh**t
myself. Remember, honey?

Remember, with your parents?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Oh, well, in that
case, ryan, take five!

[Noise stops]

Oh, honey, look at the time.

We're gonna be late for therapy.

Hey, gots to have our therapy.

That's right. How is that going?

Great. Thank you for
the recommendation.

Sheila is terrific.

Yeah. Well, for
bucks an hour,

She ought to be.

Bucks an hour?

Yeah.

Aren't we paying ?

Yeah.

That's funny.

I am blind.

I am blind with rage.

You're not blind.

If I'm not blind, I'm certainly
extremely nearsighted with rage.

It's a scam.

Do you see how it's a big scam?

Bucks an hour.

It's not a scam.

It's a scam.

It's bait and
switch. It's bunco.

What's bunco?

Technically, I don't know,

But I know it's related to
this type of thing exact...

Why wouldn't it be the
same price for everybody?

I don't know. You'll
have to ask sheila.

Oh, believe me,

I'm gonna... I'm all over it.

I am all over it with
sheila, believe me.

Gonna talk to her.

You know, you are gonna
have to apologize to fran.

What?

I think you really insulted her.

How? When?

The thing with ryan.

She knew exactly
what you were saying.

No, she didn't.

Honey...

Itzhak perlman,
turkey in the straw?

It's possible.

Oh, no, honey,
that's not possible.

She wasn't offended.

I don't have to
apologize to her.

No. Well, that's you, isn't it?

Excuse me?

Sweetie, I love you, and
you're great at many things,

But let's be honest,

You're not the world's
best apologizer.

What are you talking about?

You're not. Come on,
you know you're not.

You're not good at
saying you're sorry.

You are not a good sorry-sayer.

You're not. I don't think in
the entire time I know you

I've heard you say you're sorry.

That's not true.

All right, it's not true,

But the point is still...
You know what I'm saying.

You don't like it. You
don't like to say it.

You're not good at it.

When you do do it, you're
a little perfunctory.

Are you saying that
I have offended you

In the past by not apologizing?

Yeah.

Well, then let me say

From the bottom of my heart,

In all sincerity, tough.

All right, where
is my therapist?

This session was supposed
to start seconds ago.

Bucks an hour,

She owes us a dollar and a half.

Paul.

Course, if it were fran,
it would only be $ . .

So, apparently, paul
thinks I'm a bad sorry-sayer.

I'm sorry?

You know, like I
can't apologize.

Paul, is this true?

Yeah, but not so important

That we should be
spending... What is it...

Bucks an hour
talking about it.

I happen to think I'm a
very good apologizer.

For example...

This is nice. Where'd
you get this?

Italy.

Italy?

That's an expensive
trip, isn't it?

Bet you a lot of people
had to come in here

And spill their guts to
pay for that plane ticket.

Paul, is there anything...

You know what the funny
thing is about plane tickets,

You're on a plane, right,

And there are people
on the same plane

Going to the same place,

And they're eating the same
chicken and watching the same movie,

And yet they pay
different prices.

They pay different
prices for the same thing,

And to me, that never
seemed right to me.

Does it seem right to you?

Honey... Hmm?

Is there something that you
wanted to discuss with sheila?

Um... Ok.

Yeah, actually.

Um, we were talking... Outside
we were talking about this...

And... And, uh,

This is... I think it's
important for me to say...

I, uh... It's hard, though.

Ok, um, I come in here,

And I see you have
these nice things

And you're going to italy,

And then I see you
have... Pretty ring there.

Is that amethyst or something?

Whatever it is.

What am I trying to say?

Uh, i...

The point is, are...
It's not the prin...

It is the principle. The
principle bothers me,

But it's also I have to...

To answer your
question, no, I'm fine.

Big man.

All right.

Biiiig man.

"Don't you worry, baby,
I can talk to sheila."

"Oh, sheila, please don't
hurt me. Please don't hurt me."

Are you having an
awful lot of fun?

I have never seen anyone
cave like that in my life.

Ok, you know
what? Here's an idea.

Why don't you take care
of your own dysfunction.

I'll worry about mine.

Uh-huh. Tough talk when
there's no therapist around.

I ain't scared of no therapist.

You are so scared.

Hey, if you want, I can
apologize to fran for you...

No, no, no. No thank you.

If you think you can't hack it.

No. Tomorrow at lunch

I'm going to give her a
very nice, big fat apology.

Oh, yeah, all right.

Not that I think I
need to apologize.

There's a surprise.

Biiig man.

Ok.

Fran's standing us up.

You know why? She's offended.

She's not offended. She
said she was gonna be late.

That's her way of letting
you know she's offended.

Oh, my god.

What?

Is that sheila?

Where?

Waiter: here's your check.

Yes, it is.

Oh, man.

Ho ho.

Sheila.

Oh, yeah. She's
paying, of course.

Why not? Hey, what's money

When you've got
cash cows like us?

She's picking up the check.

I should talk to her.

Go ahead.

Oh, you don't think I will?

Uh-uh.

Ok, but here...
Here's the thing.

I... I don't think you're supposed
to talk to your therapist

About therapy in
public. Who says?

That's just... You know,
everybody knows that.

Big man.

What is she doing
in public, anyway?

That's just disconcerting.

Listen, if you don't
feel you can hack it...

All right, there you go.

Watch this.

Try the veal piccata. It is...

Did you see that?

She just blew me off.

She just totally
blew me away there.

If I was waving a
or something,

Maybe it was different.

You stood up.

You gotta feel good about that.

Why aren't you upset by this?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe they're not supposed
to make contact with us.

No. She... She's not an alien.

She's just our shrink.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Ooh. Sorry I'm late.

Hey, and who could blame you?

How are you?

Good.

Are you, are you good?

Yeah.

Ah, you're not tired
or... Offended or...

What?

Listen, fran, um,
before we order,

I would like to apologize.

For what?

I think I may have hurt
your feelings yesterday.

Do you remember when
ryan was playing the violin

And I said it gave
me a headache?

You didn't say it
gave you a headache.

You said you had a headache.

Well, maybe that was it.

It gave you a headache?

Whatever. The point is,

I want to deeply and
profoundly apologize

For any offense or hurt
feelings I may have caused.

It was rude, it was thoughtless,

And I'm deeply, deeply sorry.

So what you're saying is, ryan's
playing gave you a headache?

Ryan was playing right around
the time that my headache was.

That is so mean.

I said I'm sorry.

I had no idea that's
what you meant.

Hear that, paul.
She had no idea.

Red snapper. They
have it in here.

You know, maybe you shouldn't
come to the recital after all.

Fran, please don't
overreact to this.

He is a child.

No one's denying that.

He is doing the best he can.

Of course he is.

It takes years to
master the violin.

He's been playing for years.

Oh.

I'm not hungry.

If you'll excuse me,
I think I'll go home.

Oh, fran, come on.

Hey, come on.

Franny, don't do...

Ok, but the apology
itself... Dynamite.

So, you do now admit

That fran was not
the least bit insulted,

So your advice was
completely wrong,

And there was no
need to apologize.

I do now admit that.

Why does that give
me no satisfaction?

Because thanks to me,

You're in a heap o' trouble.

So, what do I do about it?

Well, I think you
gotta apologize.

It would be so easy to k*ll you.

Relax, relax.

Let's think about
this for one second.

What you said was
not that insulting.

I don't think fran is
gonna be that upset.

I think you're wrong.

I think she's very upset.

Give me a little credit.

I think I know a thing
or two about people.

Oh!

Well, I hope you're
proud of yourself.

Jamie: fran, are you there?

What do you want?

I wanna talk to you, ok, franny?

What?

What are you doing?

I'm cleaning.

I can see that.

Fran, I'm pretty
sure it's clean.

Just say what you
came to say, jamie.

Ok. Listen.

I am terribly, frightfully sorry

For hurting your feelings

And for saying anything negative
about ryan's violin playing.

You're my best
friend. He's a great kid.

Not only that, he's gonna
be a terrific violinist.

You really think so?

Absolutely.

[Violin screeches]

I mean, listen to that.

I wish I could believe
you, jamie, but I can't.

You can, fran. You really can.

No, I can't.

You can't stand his playing.

You know it, and I know it.

No. No. [Playing stops]

Ryan! Play it again!

Ryan: can I have
a drink of water?

You'll drink later!

Unh.

[Playing resumes]

Come on, admit it.

No, I mean...

I mean, ok, you know,
maybe I don't have

A mother's appreciation for it,

But that's to be
expected, right?

Aha! No "aha."

I'm just saying that I'm not...

That it's horrible, that it's the
worst thing you've ever heard,

And the only reason
that I don't see it

Is because I'm his mother,
so I'm not objective.

No, no. Say it, jamie.

Fran, I didn't... Say it!

Yes, your son's a butcher.

He shouldn't be in the
same room with a violin.

If you had any sense, you'd rip
it out of his stubby little hands.

How you doing?

Ryan.

I'm not listening.

Ryan.

I can't hear you!

Ryan, come on.

La la la la la la! Can't
hear what you're saying.

Ryan, you don't need to do that.

La la la la la la la la!

Ryan, please.

You called me a butcher.

My father's a butcher.

You said I had
stubby little hands.

I happen to like
that in a musician.

Sure.

Ok, listen, when
I called you a...

Snot-nosed little...

You never said snot-nosed.

I didn't?

You sure?

Positive.

Oh, well, good.

Anyway, um, whatever I
called you, it was wrong,

And I'm really sorry.

You're a wonderful violinist.

You play beautifully.

I'd love listening to you.

You do?

Yes.

Really?

Really.

Would you like me to
play something for you?

Sure.

Like what?

Well... All I know is
turkey in the straw.

Well, you can't get
enough turkey in the straw.

Great.

Let's play together.

Here's a tambourine.

Ready?

Yes.

Ok, guess what I
just figured out.

What?

If jamie and I go to therapy

Twice a week for years,

We will have spent
$ , more than fran

For the exact same thing.

Paulie, if only to spare me,

Will you please
talk to this woman?

I... I can't.

Why not?

Because she's
a... She's a shrink.

She's a professional.
I'm nothing.

She'll wipe the floor with me.

She'll throw in a
couple of "mm-hmm"s

And "that's very interesting.
How do you feel about that?"

Before you know
it, I'm paying bucks

And barking like a dog.

You're going about
this all wrong, you know.

This woman, she's
not your therapist,

She's your business partner.

This is a simple
exchange of goods,

A little green
for a little advice.

It's like me and marvin.

I pay him a wage, and he
provides me with a service.

It's not the greatest service,

But then again, he
doesn't make that much.

$ . An hour

And every now
and then, a free hat.

All right. Ok, but now let's
just say hypothetically,

What if you found
out other stores

Were paying guys like
marvin a dollar less?

Well, then I'd have choices.

I could do absolutely nothing

And, you know, drive my
friends and my family insane

With my compulsive. Behavior...

Stop right there.
That's the one for me.

Or I could engage in
a very simple dialogue

Which would go
something like this. Marvin.

What?

Come here.

All right, you play
you and I'll play me.

All right?

Marvin. Yeah, boss.

Your new salary
is $ . An hour.

No, no. I know.

It's all the market will bear,

And frankly, it's all
that I'm willing to pay,

And if you don't
like it, you can leave.

Wow. Boss,

I... I thought I could
go on ripping you off,

But you're too smart for me.

You've found me out,

And in a way, I'm
grateful, liberated.

Marvin.

I could fly.

All right, I think he gets it.

In the real world, I don't
think it works exactly like that.

Paulie, it's a
morality play, ok?

It's pageantry. You
simplify it for effect.

Am I right, marvin?

I thought I sold it.

Marvin, I was very touched
by your whole performance.

The point is this.

In therapy, as in
sporting goods,

The person with the dough
always has the upper hand,

And that, my friend, is you.

You're absolutely
right. I... I... I...

You know, frankly, I'm tired
of being intimidated by her.

Thank you, ira.
Thank you, marvin.

Thank you, entire team of
buchman's sporting goods players.

[English accent] I love theater.

Hey. Hi.

Paul. Didn't mean to scare you.

Didn't you?

No, not really.

Well, you didn't.

Ok, good. Listen...

Is there something I
can help you with, paul?

Ah, yes. We have a problem.

We have a big problem, actually.

We can talk about
that on tuesday.

Um, no. No?

We're gonna talk
about it right now.

All right.

Jamie and I found out
that you charge us

More than you charge
your other patients.

That's true.

You're new, and
I have new rates.

Oh.

Well, I don't like
it. I... I... I don't like it.

It makes me... Makes me angry.

Uh-huh.

It makes me really angry.

I see.

Really, really angry.

That's good, paul. What's good?

You're confronting me.
You're telling me how you feel.

I don't think you would
have done that months ago.

I might have.

No, you wouldn't.

You would've
dropped a few hints,

Made a few
passive-aggressive jokes,

But you wouldn't have
told me, not directly.

This is very healthy.

Well, thank you, but I'm...

I am really still angry.

I know. I believe you.

Yeah. I think it's great.

This is very exciting.

It's wonderful.

Thank you very much.

You're not all the
way there, paul,

But you're making real progress.

Thanks. I feel it, too.

I-i've been feeling that I have,

And, I gotta say,
jamie, god bless her,

I don't think she's making
the same progress.

Yes, well, ah,
look, i... I have to go,

But I'll see you next tuesday.

We'll talk more on tuesday. Ok.

You know, paul... Yeah?

If it's, uh, not uncomfortable
for you and jamie,

We should see about setting up

An additional appointment

For you to start
coming in alone.

Alone? Above and beyond...

Hey, yeah, sure. Good, good.

Oh, she's good.

[Off-key violin music playing]

Well, now everybody's
sorry, huh?

Jamie, echoing: butcher...

Little snot-nosed...

Rip that violin right out
of his stubby little hands.

Little snot-nosed...

Rip that violin right out
of his stubby little hands.

Ryan?

Ryan?

[Spits]

[Crying and yelling]

Ryan.

Ryan, what are you
feeling right now?

Ryan, for bucks an hour,

You should tell the
woman what you're feeling.

[Humming turkey in the straw]

Sorry.

[Humming turkey in the straw]

Sorry.

[Humming turkey in the straw]

All right, to hell with it.

[Both humming
turkey in the straw]