05x12 - The Handyman

[bunniefuu]

♪ Big-boned and bitter ♪

♪ I never should've quit her ♪

♪ I just walked away
that night at the bar ♪

♪ I left her standing
'cause she was so demandin' ♪

♪ And I wrote this here
song on my guitar ♪

Who sings that song again?

That song?

I like that song. Who sings it?

I do.

What do you mean, "I do"?

I just wrote it.

You did not.

Yeah, just walkin' through
the apartment right now.

♪ Big-boned and bitter... ♪

Wait. You just made that up?

I swear. Pretty catchy, huh?

Very catchy.

Very catchy.

Hmm.

Honey... Yes, my darling?

You wrote that song?

Yes.

Big-boned and bitter.

Who was that song about?

I just remembered. You know
who wrote that? Willie nelson.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Tell me all your secrets ♪

♪ And I'll tell
you most of mine ♪

♪ They say nobody's perfect ♪

♪ Well, that's really
true this time ♪

♪ I don't have the answers,
I don't have a plan ♪

♪ All I have is you ♪

♪ So, darlin', help
me understand ♪

♪ What we do ♪

♪ You can whisper in my ear ♪

♪ Where we go ♪

♪ Who knows what
happens after here? ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier ♪

♪ I'm mad about you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

Sanford's father is
buying you a house?

A very, very big house.

That is quite a wedding present.

For my father,
that's chump change.

That's a good chump.

Yeah, so I don't know

What you and paul
were gonna get us,

But if it was gonna be a house,

We already have one.

And I just wrapped it.

Hi. Sorry we're late.

Man, it is rainin' out there.

How did the sh**t go?

Totally rained out.

Oh, no.

I told him, "you
know, it's gonna rain.

We should sh**t it inside."

I thought it wasn't gonna rain.

You would know that

After all your years at
the school of meteorology.

Hey. Hiya, james.

So how's the movie comin'?

You mean the undersea
world of paul buchman?

Want to know what
we learned today?

Why are you gonna
bother these nice people?

If you're gonna sh**t a movie
outdoors in the pouring rain...

I thought it wasn't gonna rain.

You got to pay not
only for the entire crew,

But for the trucks
and for the people

You hire to look
after the trucks...

It wasn't that many people.

Even though you don't
get to sh**t a darn thing.

How much did you lose?

$ , .

Oh, you poor thing.

I thought it wasn't gonna rain.

[Grinding]

What was that?

It's our refrigerator.
It's breaking down.

Or coming to life.
We're not sure.

So, honey, that was
my day. How was yours?

I didn't lose $ , .

Can I help?

Can you help what?

With money.

Oh, sweetie...

Sanford, that's very generous.

Aren't I marrying the
sweetest man in the world?

I can't take your money.

Why not? Why not?

We're practically family.
He's practically family.

It's not even my money.
It's my father's money.

You know how much
money his father has?

He's buying us a very big house.

Ok, if I may say... That's an
incredibly generous offer, sanford,

But I'm not sure it's the greatest
idea to mix business and family.

James, who are you,
michael corleone?

'Cause we are, like,
$ , over budget now.

Ok. It's only my opinion,

A little bit like this morning

When I said it looked like rain,

But what do I know?

[Refrigerator noise]

We have to call doug.

All right. Who's doug?

Our handyman. He's amazing.

Could I get his number?

We have a dripping
faucet that nobody can fix.

Uh... He's not that great.

Sweetie, will you
get her the number?

It's up there on
a card in my book.

Yeah, ok.

It's just that... Didn't he say
he's not takin' on new patients?

Doug the handyman?

Yeah. No.

I think he did.

What, are you afraid?

You think we're gonna
steal your handyman?

Heh heh.

I didn't say that.

Could you be more petty?

It's, you know, it's just
that... Ok, here's the thing.

This is somebody that
nobody really knows about

Because we kind
of discovered him,

And if we start givin'
his name to everybody,

Then, you know,
we may not be able

To get him when we need him.

He's a handyman.

My fiancé is about
to give you $ , .

Which I appreciate,
but come on...

A lot of people have
$ , , but a good handyman...

You never see that.

Paul, what's the
matter with you?

Go give her the card.

All right, I'll
give her the card.

Everybody jumpin'
down my throat.

I'm just merely
expressing my opinion here.

I don't think this is
the wisest thing to do.

See, honey, this is a very
good lesson for the kids...

For you youngsters...

This is how a
marriage works, see?

I am giving you the number,

Against my better judgment,

And I'm gonna take
your money against hers.

See, now, that's a
beautiful, dry reshoot.

What did I tell you, paulie?
Sanford came through.

Hey, wait a second.
Wait. What is that?

There's a scratch
on the negative.

It's just a little
scratch, that's all.

Little scratch? Looks like
he was mauled by a bear.

This is unbelievable.

Well, ok. We gotta
reshoot this. Yeah?

I can't use film like that.

Ok. No, it's not ok.

Where we gonna get
the money for that?

It's no problem.

What are you doing?

I'm calling sugar daddy.

Who, sanford?

No. One of the many other
trillionaires that you know.

Wait a sec. Wait a second.

You think that's
such a good idea?

Hey, sanford. How
ya doin'? It's ira.

Apparently you do. Listen, uh...

I'm sorry to bother
you again, man,

But we've run into a little
snafu on the reshoot.

Hey, this is very
distressing to us as well,

But, you know, san... San,
it's like nowhere else to turn,

You know what I'm sayin'?

How much? Um...$ , .

Ok, yeah. Oh, no. By
hollywood standards,

I'm telling you,
that's not that much.

I'm serious.

Yes, ok. I appreciate it.

Terrif... See you tonight?

Ok. All right. Bye-bye.

It's like taking candy from an
incredibly overprivileged baby.

Why did you do that?

So you could get the digital
editing bay that you want.

I don't need a
digital editing bay.

Did you not say
all day yesterday

That your movie would be
a lot better if you had one?

Yeah. You know what
else would be nice?

Robots of my entire family.

Let's call him back, get
some money for that.

Come on. The guy's got, like,
$ , cash in his car ashtray.

Just feels wrong somehow.

He wants to do this.

Plus, every time he
gives me more money,

I'm more beholden to his father.

Bill holden?

Beholden. Beholden.
I'm more beholden.

You're not beholden.

I am. I'm beholden...

Beholden... And I don't like it.

What did you say to him?
We gotta go see him tonight?

Yeah. We gotta talk
to his dad one more time

About the project before
he invests some more.

There you go. You
see that? Beholden.

And now I gotta go
sing for my supper?

Nobody's singing, paulie.

Yeah. I gotta go
sing for my supper

And suck up to his father. I'm
singin' and suckin' and beholden,

That's what I am.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Just a minute.

[Swing music plays]

You're doug?

Yeah.

Did you have any
trouble finding the place?

No. I followed the
directions you gave me.

I got here without... Incident.

Good.

Um, oh, excuse the mess.

Mess? Oh, uh, don't
worry about it.

So... You've got a drip.

Uh-huh. In here.

I was just trying to fix it.

Nice work.

Well, I have this book.

Books are good. I'm... Better.

Let me see what the problem is.

There's only one way
to make money in movies.

In video, right?

Aw, ice.

Ice?

Yeah. I used to be the
exclusive distributor

Of urinal ice for the
entire loew's chain.

There's a pretty picture.

I made a fortune.

Yeah. And that was before the
advent of the -ounce soda cup.

You must be very proud.

Hey, good movies, bad movies...

They all gotta pee.

Boy, oh, boy, could
I use a stiff drink.

Here, baby.

Uh, no, thanks. I can't.

Why? Because of the pregnancy?

Yeah.

Ah, come on. Don't believe
everything you read.

A little drink
never hurt anybody.

It's certainly bringing
out the best in you.

Heh heh heh.

Sorry I'm late.

Hey. Hi, lise.

Why's your hair all wet?

Oh, no reason. Just showered.

It's not.

Are you ok?

Yeah, sure. I'm
fine. Are you sure?

Yes, positive. Why are
you interrogating me?

You know, i... I want to say...

We... We... I have
to say... Go ahead.

No, no. You go.

Please, I insist. You go.

All right.

I've fallen in love with
doug the handyman,

And I want to call
off the wedding.

[Fork drops]

Boy, that beats
what I was gonna say.

How did we break a
brand-new machine?

Ok, that's it. I'm
making a call.

No, no, no, don't. Please
don't. Shut up, will you?

Don't call him.

Hey, sanford. How
are you, my friend?

You got him on the speed
dial? Just tell him forget it.

Shh. Uh, sanford, listen, this
is the last time. I promise you.

I don't think this is
right. This is not right.

He's goin' for it. How much?

$ , . Yeah.

Look, sanford, this is
show business, you know.

Things happen.

You know what?
Tell him forget it.

There's other
ways to raise money.

Would you just be
quiet? We'll wash cars.

I'm trying to have
a conversation.

We'll sell cookies. Shut up!

You shut up.

Yeah, it's me. Yeah. You will?

Oh, sanford, you don't know.

I am forever grateful, and I
can speak for paulie. So is he.

And, san, chin up, huh?

It's not right. You
can't just call the guy

Every time every
little thing goes wrong.

Apparently I can.

It's just very
uncomfortable for me.

He's my brother-in-law.

Not anymore.

But... Come on. He's my
former nearly brother-in-law,

Once removed by a handyman.

You know what your problem
is? You're too sensitive.

It's not just
that. His father...

His father is not
the kind of guy

Who's gonna take his son's
broken heart lying down.

Don't you think you're
overreacting a bit?

I don't. His father is...

What's... You know,
what's that story

With the guy faust?

Faust? The quarterback
for the chargers?

Yeah, that's the
story I'm talkin' about,

The guy from the chargers.

You know what your
problem is, paulie?

Did my problem
change already so fast?

You worry too much.

You should save your worrying

For something really bad
that happens in your life, ok?

Paul buchman? Yeah.

What is this?

We have an injunction here

On behalf of zigmund i. Klarik

To seize all properties
related to the production

Of the documentary
motion picture buchman.

Now, wait a minute.
He can't do that.

You would know.

Sanford's father took my movie.

How stupid was I
to sign that thing?

I can't believe I signed it.

It's like that story...
What's that story,

With the guy faust, and he
sells his soul to the devil,

And before he realizes how
stupid it was, it's too late?

Faust?

Faust. Yeah, it's like that.

He took my movie.

[Doorbell buzzes]

So why don't you talk to him?

Oh, I'm gonna. I've
gotta figure out

What my approach is gonna be.

He's got... He's got my
life's work in his hands.

It's gotta be handled
very delicately.

Should I bring him a small cake?

Doug the handyman.

Hey, mr. Buchman.

Oh, boy, doug. Are
we glad to see you.

Actually, mrs. Buchman,

I just came by to pick up lisa.

Doug, doug, doug, doug,
doug, doug, doug the handyman!

That's nice. Oh,
that's very sweet.

Ok, ok. Doug, you
think while you're here,

Maybe you could just take
a look at the refrigerator?

A small... A quick glance?

Let's leave them alone.

Can I say one thing to you?

Yes.

Don't lend out the handyman.

[Swing music plays]

Mmm. Mmm.

No. No. Stop.

What, is this too weird for you?

Do you want to go
back to the washroom?

No.

I love sanford.

I've made a terrible mistake.

Hey, hey, hey, paulie.
Don't be nervous.

There's no reason to be nervous.

We'll finesse him.

That's right, a
little finessement.

He got mad, he took our movie,

We'll get him not mad and
we'll take our movie back.

Maybe we should've
brought him offerings.

Offerings? Like what?

I don't know. Cake.

The man has his own
baker on the premises.

What's he gonna do
with an outside cake?

Listen, the important
thing is you and i.

We both just
maintain our dignity.

At all costs. You nervous?

A little bit.

All right, I got minutes
between board meetings.

I gotta call japan.
That's minutes.

I gotta do the
treadmill for at least .

You know what? I have no time.

Uh, mr. Klarik... What? What?

Um... How you doin'
there, mr. Klarik?

That's a pretty snazzy
suit there, mr. Klarik.

What do you want?

Ok. Mr. Klarik... Mm-hmm.

We're all friends here. Mmm.

I don't want this
to have to get ugly.

Mmm. Mmm. You know,

I was once playing poker
with nelson rockefeller.

I had this terrific
hand... S. Count... .

So I kept betting,

But he kept seeing
me and raising,

Seeing me and raising.

I said, this son of a bitch

Has either got a
straight flush or bubkus.

But I thought to myself, "no,
he's just trying to bluff me,"

So I called him.

Yeah? What'd he have?

Same thing you
got. What, bubkus?

No, we don't have
bubkus, mr. Klarik.

Mr. Klarik, look...
No, you look.

I have a legal document
which you signed

Saying the movie is mine.

Now, look, I don't
care about your movie.

I might take a roll of
the film, put a buckle on it,

And make into a belt.

But the point is,

The movie is mine to
do with what I want.

And then what? What happens
then? We're gonna go to court?

Who wins there?
Lawyers? Accountants?

No. I do.

Mr. Klarik.

What?!

Please, please give
me the film back.

Hey. Nah, come on. Stop that.

What are you doing?

How does food go bad so fast?

Mmm. Mmm. You should
try the chicken nuggets

With the chocolate ice cream.

You're like a catfish.

What?

We had a kid in seventh grade

We used to pay money
to watch him eat like this.

I can't help it. I eat
this way when I'm upset.

When's jamie getting back?

I don't know.

I don't even know
where she went.

Well, I need to
talk to somebody.

I'm sure she'll be right back.

I just can't... I
can't believe it.

I broke it off with sanford

So I could be with doug
the handyman, right?

And then I realized... Huh...

I missed sanford,

So I broke it off
with him, right?

But now sanford won't
have anything to do with me,

And doug won't have
anything to do with me,

And I think I need
a little help!

Any minute she'll be back.

Hi.

Hey! I'm naked in
here, for god's sake!

I can see that.

How'd you get in here?

Well, let's put it this way...

The help doesn't
like you, either.

All right. Just get out
of here. Come on. Come on.

Actually, I think
we need to talk.

Now?!

Yeah.

Where is she?

Hmm? Uh... Maybe in the
incinerator room. I'll go look.

I need to talk to my sister.

I know. I know you do.

Your sister, and
nobody else will do.

Will you talk to me
until she gets here?

Uh, yeah. I... I just want
to take out the garbage.

You know, I know what
she'd say. She'd say that... That

Everything's gonna be ok
and that I'm a good person,

And it's not my fault, and,
you know, I'm gonna get over it.

Well, there you go.

Then consider it said.

What would you say?

What's that?

What would you say?

I would say

Pretty much the same
thing as jamie would say.

Maybe in my own words.

What would those be?

The gist would be
very much the same,

But maybe just the verbiage, so
why worry about the verbiage?

I want to hear it.

[Paul sighs]

I would say...
Ok, I would say...

You're years old, and if
you don't start acting like it,

Then you're just gonna
keep on hurting yourself

And hurting everybody around
you and everybody around them

Till there's this big universe...
This lisa universe of hurt...

With you in the center, with us
and everybody around just orbiting...

Orbiting around, like, with
the moons and the planets

Just orbiting around
in pain forever.

That's not the same at all.

Listen, I'm sorry lisa
called off the wedding.

I thought she was going to
be very happy with sanford.

I always liked sanford.

You want to marry him?

Paul didn't break
up sanford and lisa.

Sanford and lisa broke
up sanford and lisa. Well...

Mostly lisa.

And... Doug the
handyman helped, too,

But it certainly wasn't paul.

It's not fair to blame him.

Look, I don't care
about paul's little movie,

And neither will anyone else,

But it's all I got to get
those two together again.

I have no other leverage.

That's not leverage.

Sure it is. You're here.

You can't make these two
people love each other.

Yes, I can. And if you
want paul's movie back,

You'll help.

No, I won't.

Why not?

Because I don't have to.

I got leverage, too.

[Snorts]

What's your leverage?

I'm... Holding the drain plug.

You wouldn't dare.

Call my bluff and find out.

You want to see me naked?

Not especially, but that's
how much I love my husband.

All right.

Go ahead. Pull the plug.

Ok.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Well... Have we got a deal?

What are your terms?

Give my husband back his movie.

Not on your life.

Nice doing business with you.

My film.

Isn't it beautiful?

It's gorgeous.

I owe you one.

Truth is, you
already paid me back

With what you said to lisa.

Ah... I'm very clever.

[Refrigerator noise]

Ok. Can I just say I'm
afraid of our refrigerator?

I feel like we're gonna wake
up in the middle of the night

And it's gonna be
standing over us.

[Doorbell buzzes]

You know, yesterday, I
tried to fix it. It spit at me.

I walked... Pfft... Right here.

Doug the handyman. Our
refrigerator is just going nuts.

I hear they're having a big
sale on appliances at macy's.

You might want to check it out.

But, doug... You're
our handyman.

That's why I came over.

I have to be honest.

I've been through a great deal
of emotional upheaval lately,

And the truth is, I can trace
it all back to the two of you.

I'm sorry. I can no
longer be your handyman.

What are you saying?

Good-bye.

Doug. But, doug...

Please don't go.
Please come back.

Can you recommend somebody?