05x14 - The Penis

[bunniefuu]

Have you seen my
maternity boxer shorts?

No.

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ I love you like I do ♪

♪ Tell me who ♪

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you ♪

♪ Let's take each other's hand ♪

♪ And jump into ♪

♪ The final frontier ♪

Ok. Ok. I have the
name. Are you ready?

What is it?

I want you to be
sitting down for this.

All right. I'm sitting.

Close your eyes.

Open your mind.

Picture, if you will, mirabella.

Ok. How about if it's
a boy... newsweek?

All right. No, go
ahead, mock me.

What is it with you?

The last weeks, you're
feeding me girls' names.

Please. I got a
couple of boys' names.

Otto.

Otto.

Otto. That's a nice name

If you're bald and
have a monocle.

Fine.

Hello, buchmans.

Hi. We're here to see joan.

Well, why don't the
three of you fill that out?

We'll be right with you.

It's easy to sh**t down names.

Let's hear some of yours.

I got many o' name.

Joseph... Andy...
Michael... Janet...

Jermaine... Tito...
Honey... La toya.

Not so easy, is it?

What's wrong with otto?
It's a very distinctive name.

You see very few
kids named otto.

With good reason.

Distinctive is important
for the parents,

But for the kid, all it means is

He's gonna end up hanging by his
underwear from a school locker.

He is not.

You gotta think
about the playground.

Think about the playground.

What you want is
a name that says,

"Don't notice me.

And if you do, please
god, don't b*at me up."

Where did you grow up?

On the streets, baby.

Ooh.

Do you want to know
the sex of the baby?

You know where I stand on that.

I think only good
comes from knowing.

What about the surprise?

This is the biggest surprise
you can ever have in your life.

What is the surprise, really?

It's one of two things.

It's a boy or a girl.

If it's a third thing,
like, say, an owl...

Then I say let's find out now.

Listen, I hate to do this
to you, but I'm the mother.

What does that mean?

It means I'm carrying this child,
and I say we're not finding out.

What? Are you
pulling rank on me?

Well, possession's
/ ths of the law.

Let's face it, you got nothin'.

Joan: looking good. Ahh.

This is ridiculous.
We have a deal.

What deal? I had no leverage.

You were holding
the baby hostage.

Oh, I can't take it
anymore. I'm gonna look.

No, keep those hands up.

Oh, look, how sweet.

Sweet... Sweet in a boyish
way or a girlish way?

That's so cute.

Yeah, cute-handsome
or cute-pretty?

Position's fine. The baby
looks great. Oh, how adorable.

Well, I guess we'll just have to
take her word for that, won't we?

If you wanna look, you can look.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, we agreed.

We're not gonna look,
we're not gonna... Oh!

A penis?

A penis.

Positively? A penis?

Absolutely a penis.

Well, let me ask you something.

Was it big?

Can I tell you something?

When it's your kid and you're
the father, you're a parent,

You don't care
about stuff like that.

All you're concerned
about is is the kid healthy...

It's huge.

Oh, paulie, there you go.

He's a buchman.

Oh, believe me,
that's a buchman.

What am I saying?
Who are we kidding?

So, listen, you're
gonna be a father.

You're gonna have
a son, a boy, huh?

[Like the godfather] my first
child... Will be a masculine child.

Hey, hey, hey.

What about james? How you
gonna keep her from finding out?

I'll tell her. When
the moment's right.

When's that gonna be?

Right after the kid's born.

You're gonna keep the sex of
your own child from your wife?

Why would I ruin this for her?

The surprise is very
important to her.

She's been waiting
for this all her life.

Plus she'll k*ll you.

Yeah, I don't need that.

Oh, that's terrible.

Paul, did you know your
uncle phil is in the hospital?

No. Uncle phil? What happened?

He's very sick.

I would imagine.
He's in the hospital.

Probably very sick,
but what's the matter?

He's very sick.

A little more
information, please.

Well, the doctors
said it could be...

That's what the doctors
said? The doctors said that?

The doctors said
he had a thing...

What? He's very sick.

I'm just trying
to get a little...

Both: he's very sick.

All right.

Paul: what was the number?

.

Right here.

Huh.

Oh, god.

No, no, no. They
probably just moved him.

Come on, we'll find out.

[Muffled] omen oh de bay pee.

Omen oh de bay... Pee.

Uncle phil?

Open up the bed please!

You poor thing!

You poor thing.

Oh, my god, what happened?

I made a mistake.

You made a mistake?

Yeah. I pressed
the wrong button.

Are you sure you're ok?

Yeah, I think I'm ok.

You didn't get
hurt? No, I'm fine...

What exactly happened?

Well, i... Would
you do me a favor?

Could you go over there?
I can't take the swiveling.

You hit the wrong button?

I hit the wrong button.

I'm pressing
buttons all my life...

Intercoms, d-doorbells...

It's the first time I
ever got folded in half.

Wow. But I learned something.

What's that?

Did you know that your kneecaps

Fit right into your eyesockets?

It's amazing.

Ooooohh! It's my
favorite niece and nephew.

Jamie, paul... Firm embrace!

Firm embrace! Firm embrace!

Good. Good.

Of course you know I'm dying.

You're not dying.

Oh, come on. I know. I'm dying.

There's no two ways about it.

Well, come on. What
did the doctors say?

The doctors, what do they know?

I'm telling you... It's bleak.

What do you mean? Why
do you say it's bleak?

Last night... Late
at night... I saw god.

Yes.

He was hovering over me...

Maybe a little to the left.

And... He spoke to me.

What did he say?

He said... "Hellooo."

That's how god talks?
He just said, "hello"?

That's how he talks. No
airs. He's a regular guy.

And he can do anything.

He could take this whole
building, turn it upside-down.

He could take cincinnati...

Shove it in chicago.

You want a chocolate malted?

Boom! You got it.

Eggs over light?

A minute!

Toast always golden brown.

Always.

He's perfect!

But he doesn't
rub your nose in it.

So you actually
talked back to god?

I did it, but I was respectful.

You know, talk to god.

So I said, "o lord..."

He likes "lord."

Sure.

"O lord, what would you of me?

"Who thou knoweth and
forgiveth of me to cometh unto you

From me who thou
knoweth and for..."

Yeth?

Uncle phil, you
have some food here.

You haven't even touched it.

Food? You say food?

I say hah!

What? Maybe a little jell-o.

Jell-o! That's the worst.
You know what they do?

No.

They put pineapple
in the jell-o.

Is that bad?

There's an unwritten law...

never, never put
pineapple in jell-o.

Why you put pineapple
in the man's jell-o?

Banana. Yes.

Apple? Fine.

Mango? Borderline.

But... It can go. It can go in.

But pineapple...
Erodes the jell-o.

It loses its gelatinous
consistency.

What is jell-o?

Jell-o is nothing
if it isn't a shimmy.

The pineapple
destroys the shimmy.

There's no shimmy
left in this jell-o.

I think we get
the drift on that.

You can put pineapple
in cottage cheese. Fine.

The cottage cheese
can take it. It's strong.

The jell-o folds up.

So there's no way.

Get my drift?

I do. We do. Ok.

All right, then drift over here.

There's a bedpan
in the last... Oh-ho.

You know what?
I'll just wait outside.

No, it's not that. It's
not that kind of thing.

Here. Here. Let me show
you what I have in mind.

Hey.

All right!

Here. Saved it a trip.

Mr. Buchman, it's time.

Oh, no, don't take me.

Jamie: it's gonna be ok.
Don't let them take me.

Paulie, save your uncle
now. Please don't take me.

Ooooohhh!

What's the matter? What is it?

Ooooohh!

I'm in a tunnel.

I'm in a tunnel!

I see a light. I see a
light at the other end.

Is it heaven?

No.

It's new jersey.

It's new jersey. Yes.

I must be in the holland tunnel.

Mr. Buchman, it's time.

Don't worry about
anything. You're gonna be fine.

You have to do me a big favor.

Anything you want.
Sure. Anything.

This is a deathbed request.

If you say yes, it's
a binding promise.

Yes. Anything. What do you want?

If you have a boy, I want
you to name him after me.

Uncle phil, it's... Oh-ho...

Whoa! The pain! Whoa!

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

What's the matter? Oh! The pain!

Oh, it's on the march.

It's on the go.

It's heading for my heart.

I can feel it.

Here's the thing about the name.

["Dying rasp"] it's
hard for us to...

Oh, god, ok! All right. Ok!

Phil... Phil it is.

We'll name the boy phil.

Wait, wait. One more thing.

My real name is not phil.

My... My real name
is deuteronomy.

I never heard that.

Deuteronomy.

I know.

The man's name is deuteronomy.

That's what he said.

We just promised to name
our child deuteronomy.

All right, all right.

I don't understand how
you can be so calm about this.

Because worrying's not
going to help anything,

And, besides, we gave our word.

We gave our word
to a guy named phil.

It's a matter of honor.

If we just break our word,
what kind of people are we?

We're the kind of people who
are free to name their kid tom.

I have a little
surprise for you.

I think I know something
you don't know.

What's that?

We're having a girl.

What are you talking about?

I have a very strong
feeling that this baby's a girl,

And if that's true,
we got no problem.

You're talking about a feeling.

More than a feeling,
it's a maternal instinct.

Ok, well, honey, I
respect that. I really do,

But, you know, instincts.

Thousands of
years of civilization

Have sort of
dulled our instincts.

I mean, you can't
count on those.

Look at me, my whole
hunting-gathering thing, that's sh*t.

What are you talking about?

[Door buzzer buzzes]

You have no conception
of motherhood.

I'm physically
connected to this child.

This isn't some new-age
concept. This is real.

All right, listen, I'm physically
connected to my pancreas,

And it hasn't said a
word to me in years.

Why are you giving me
such a hard time about this?

Tell me it isn't true.

I take it you talked
to uncle phil.

Tell me you didn't agree to
name your child appendectomy.

Deuteronomy.

Have you both lost your mind?

Do you have any idea how much
this kid is going to be teased?

Dooty.

I know.

Doo-doo.

We understand.

Dooty on-a me.

Yeah, all right.

Keep this coming

'Cause this is
really helping now.

Paulie, come on, think about it.

If I went to school with
a kid named deuteronomy,

My day would not be complete
until I made the kid cry.

Who do you think he's
going to come to, you?

No. You're the perps.

He's going to come to me,
his favorite uncle, all right?

You got to give this
kid a normal name.

Kids can make fun of any name.

Yeah, what about bob?

Blob.

All right, joe. Schmo.

Shelly.

Smelly.

Ira.

Ira.

Now, you see, with
a nice name like burt,

You wouldn't get any teasing.

Well, actually, a few nasty
kids used to call me fat ass.

Plus, if deuteronomy was
such a wonderful name,

Why does he call himself phil?

He never even liked it himself.

Sylvia, it's not as
bad as it sounds.

I was just telling paul I have a
very strong maternal instinct

That the baby is a girl.

Really?

I do.

Oh, what a relief.

I know that feeling.

You see?

I knew that paulie
was going to be a boy

And that debbie and sharon
were going to be girls.

You just get that feeling.

Oh, yeah, that feeling.

Burt, you've got
nothing to worry about.

Well, that's a relief.

[Chuckles]

I think paulie has something
here he wants to say.

No, I don't.

No, you do. You
want to say the thing

About, you know, the thing.

No, I don't.

What thing about what thing?

Nothing.

Something.

So say it already.

I was saying to him earlier

I have my own paternal
instincts, you know,

And I got a feeling
the kid's gonna be a boy.

Honey, that's very sweet, but
this is kind of a woman thing.

No, I understand.

It's just I really, really
got a very strong feeling.

I feel it in my bones.

I can tell you with
almost absolute certainty

This kid is going to be a boy.

Honey, we have nothing
to worry about. Trust me.

I peeked at the ultrasound,
saw a little penis.

Wait one second.

Don't chicken out on me.

I'm not. It's just, the
man, he's on his deathbed,

And we made him a promise.

I'm not keeping that promise.

It's just not gonna be easy.

He's in there, he's
hanging by a thread.

Prepare yourself for the worst.

♪ Everybody's doin' it ♪

♪ Doin' it, doin' it ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it ♪

♪ Doin' it, doin' it ♪

♪ See that ragtime
couple over there ♪

♪ Watch them throw
their shoulders in the air ♪

♪ Snap your fingers ♪

♪ Honey, I declare ♪

♪ It's there ♪

♪ It's there ♪

♪ It's there ♪
boys!

♪ Everybody's doin' it ♪

♪ Doin' it, doin' it ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it ♪

Doin' what?

♪ The turkey trot ♪

♪ Can't stop boop
bop boom ba da bam ♪

♪ Hear those trombones
bursting apart ♪

♪ Come, come, come,
come, let us start ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now ♪

Ok, all right, boys, take five.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Leon.

Down. Down, uh, down.
You're going down.

You got to... Up.

♪ Everyone's doin' it ♪

One more doin' it.

Ok.

Doin' it!

You got it.

Uncle phil, what is all this?

The turkey trot.

What about the surgery?

Surgery? No surgery.
What surgery?

They prodded, they poked,
they manipulated digitally.

Whoof!

What'd they find?

Zip. Zero.

Nothing!

Nothing!

What about the pain?

Gas.

A humongous rogue bubble...

Of trapped gas,

And it left as
silently as it came.

In the night.

Here's your bag, mr. Buchman.

Oh, skippy, here.
Thanks for everything.

Buy yourself a swatch.

Well, phil, we're so happy to
hear that you're feeling better

Because we actually wanted
to talk to you about something.

This isn't mine.
Oh, what the hell?

Yeah. We, um...

We wanted to talk to
you about something.

You know, about the name.

The name, the name.

Yeah, deuteronomy.

The name. Yes, deuteronomy.

We're a little
concerned. It's, um...

A little, uh...
Here's the thing.

It's not... It's not
very common.

Yeah.

Common.

If you want common,

You name a kid joe,
you name a kid john.

The kid goes to a picnic,

"John, your sandwich is ready."

Kids run up to
get that sandwich.

You name the kid... Excuse me.

You name the kid deuteronomy,

"Deuteronomy, your
sandwich is ready."

your kid's getting
that sandwich.

You make a very strong point.

Of course.

It's just... It's just
that we're concerned...

This isn't mine either.

What the hell?

This is mine.

Yeah.

We're just afraid that
the kid will get teased.

I mean, didn't you used
to get teased a lot?

Yeah, we all get teased.

You get teased a
little bit. So what?

It's no big deal.

I used to come home from school.

As I was walking home,

I'd hear, "dooty, dooty."

See?

"There's no dooty on you.
Is there any dooty on-a me?"

You know? I got it. I got it.

Then they'd shove
a little, they'd push.

I'd push, they'd shove.

We'd shove, we'd hit.

There'd be a lot of
hitting, and they'd smash me,

And then they'd take off my hat,

And they'd all spit in it,

Which wasn't fun.

Finally, one day I said,

"This is it! I've had my fill!"

And it hit me.

Phil. That's a good name.

So I took phil,

And I discarded deuteronomy.

Exactly.

Yeah. So given all that,

I guess you'd agree...

We don't want to
name him deuteronomy.

You can't name this
kid deuteronomy.

What are you, nuts?

I was on pain K*llers.
I was delirious.

What's your excuse?

Well, we wanted... Shame on you.

But I love you both so much

For going along with
that name for so long.

It's settled, then. We won't
name him deuteronomy.

No deuteronomy. Firm embrace.

Firm embrace.

Firm embrace.

Firm embrace.

Thank you so much. You, listen,

Good to see you
up. You feel well.

I love you both very much.

We love you, too.

If it's a boy, name him
anything you want.

Thank you, uncle phil.

But if it's a girl,

I'd love you to name
it after my mother.

Um... Her name was rose.

Rose. Rose.

That's actually kind of sweet.

Rose is a very pretty name.

We'll definitely think about it.

We'll think about rose.

Actually, rose
wasn't her real name.

So when the baby
reaches or pounds,

You can... What?

What are you smiling at?

The way you say "the baby."

"The baby,"

So as to not give away
any gender information.

Very deft.

Well, I do this a lot.

Well, you can stop
doing it with us.

I can?

We know it's a boy.

You do?

Paul saw a penis.

I'm sorry?

The other day when
you were doing the thing.

The ultrasound.

I know we said we
weren't going to look,

And i... I didn't mean to,

But I just did a little
space between my fingers,

And I looked, and there it was.

You saw a penis.

Yes, ma'am.

Big expert penis
spotter, are you?

Well, I do all right.

Show me.

Seriously?

If you please.

Look. There's our baby.

Healthy baby?

Very healthy.

He won't always be
transparent, right?

No.

Right there.

There?

I'm sorry. Right there. Look.

You sure?

Yeah. Look.

Right there. ... , , , .

Penises.

Boy, look out for this kid.

It's a foot, isn't it?

Hand.

You didn't see a penis.

Hand.

Is it possible his
hand is on his penis?

Hand, hand, and
nothing but a hand.

You can't see
it in this picture,

But I'm telling you

The other day that kid
was happy to see somebody.

So this means it's a girl.

Nope.

It's a boy.

Nope.

Is it an owl?

Seriously. Tell
me. I won't be mad.

Do you want to know? Do
you really want to know?

Actually, I don't want to know.

Last time you didn't
want to find out, and I did,

And you steamrolled me.

I get to vote this time.

I'm saying... I'm taking charge.

I'm saying, no, we're
not going to find out.

Oh, well, all right, then.

Ok.

Let's weigh you and take
your blood pressure.

Ok.

That's a penis.

My favorite name for a
girl has always been, always,

Since I'm , has been trixie.

I love that name.

Dixie's good, too,
but trixie's better.

Jamie: uncle phil, it's
hard for us to commit now.

Louise is not a bad name.

Think about louise.

♪ Every little breeze
seems to whisper louise ♪

♪ Birds in the trees
seem to czzk-pfllt louise ♪