05x23 - The Birth Part 1

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
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Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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05x23 - The Birth Part 1

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh.

Paul?

All right, so
aunt ida, aunt ida,

Why don't we go back
to the other story?

You were just saying something
about george gershwin.

Not george. His cousin milton.

So your family knew his family?

You know, his name was milton,

But as a kid, everyone
called him skippy.

Skippy gershwin?

That's right.

Ok.

Oh.

[Exhales]

Whoo.

Oh.

Something is burning.
I'd better go check.

Watch out! Look out!

I don't think gershwin
had a cousin milton.

I'm trying to remember if I ever
asked you. No, I don't think I did.

Who is this? [Pager beeps]

Oh. Hey. Hey. That's jamie.

Jamie?

Yes. Told her to call when she
had contractions. Look at this.

I thought you said
you had another week.

Well, I guess we don't.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Show time?

It's show time.

Ok. I'm gonna come right home.

Nope. That'll take too long.

It won't take long.
I'm gonna come home.

Hon, I think you
should just meet me

At the hospital.

No, no. Wait for
me. I'll come home.

Paul, that's silly.
I'll just get a cab.

Sweetie, wait for me.
I will be right there.

Paul, that's ridiculous.
I'll just get a cab.

I'll meet you at the hospital.

I thought we should go together.

I'm taking a cab and meeting
you at the hospital! My god!

Ok, ok, all right.

Here's what... You take a cab,

And I'll meet you
at the hospital, ok?

Ok. Love you.

I love you.

Hurry.

Ok.

Taxi!

Taxi driver: where to, lady?

Alan?

Jamie?

Wow.

This is amazing.

What a coincidence. Hi.

Hi. Wow, look at you.

Yeah.

Are... Are... Are you pregnant?

Yes, I am, alan.
What'd you think?

No, that's what I thought.

In fact, I'm on my
way to the hospital.

Really? Which hospital?

Roosevelt.

Huh. Is that a good hospital?

What is that supposed to mean?

Ok.

Are you seeing anyone?

A few people.

You?

Yeah, my husband.

Pete?

Paul.

So, what else you working on?

What else?

I'm about this close
to having a baby

In the back of this cab.

Right now, I'm working
on that not happening.

I can see that.

So nothing, huh?

You know, you just never stop.

It's called making conversation.

Uh-huh.

[Whistle blows]

What is all this? I don't know.

Can't go through
here. Making a movie.

Oh, yeah? What,
uh... What movie?

I write screenplays.

Ok.

Excuse me.

I'm having a baby.

Where's the father?

He's meeting me.

It's probably true.

Ok. Good luck.

Thanks. Thanks.

I think he meant me.

Jamie: how we doing?

Great. Go home.

What do you mean, go home?

We talked about this.

We we're going to come to the
hospital and have a little baby.

And you will when
it's ready to be born.

What do you
mean? This is not it?

Nope, not it. Often
mistaken for it, but not it.

You sure this isn't it?

Yep. False "it."
Take my word for it.

That's my job, distinguishing
actual "it" from not "it."

You're not doing this just so you
can go back to your little function?

No. In fact, I wish it was it,

'Cause this dress is itching,

And they're giving an
award to somebody I hate.

So what just happened here?

I had those braxton-hicks
contractions?

Yep, that's what happened.

Braxton hicks.

Very normal,
happens all the time,

But don't get complacent, 'cause
next time it's for all the marbles, ok?

Well, next time, how do
I know if it's actually it?

Well, there are a
lot of different ways,

But the main clue will
be, the baby will come out.

You almost didn't make
it. I got very worried.

I know. Broadway's closed
down. They're making some movie.

But I'm here now.
It's just you and me.

And our entire family.

I made a couple of calls.

I wish she didn't call
everybody, you know?

I'm perfectly capable
of taking care of her.

Pauly, nobody says
you're not, all right?

I mean, maybe she
was just nervous.

Yeah, but it's only the most
intimate moment in our life.

It would be nice if it
could be just the two of us.

If she wants a couple of friends
around for support, let it go.

Remember, you're the coach,
pauly, all right? She is the player.

What is this?

"North american
documentary film festival."

Oh, that's nothing.
That's junk mail.

Did you submit the film?

I may have. Who remembers?

Are you nuts?

Are you just out of your mind?

Just give it to me.
Let me throw it away.

What did I tell you?
What did I tell you?

The film is not
ready. What else?

Don't show it to
anybody until it's ready.

Specifically... Your family.

And... Festivals.

Yes, because if you
do, what happens?

I will die.

Yes!

I can't believe you sent in...

It's not even done.

Pauly, we got bills, all right?

Look at these. Look at this.

Lab fees, equipment rentals.

We got it stacked up here.

It was accepted?

What?

"Your film has been accepted."

Oh, that's so cool.

You're not angry with me?

Hurry up and say you're sorry.

I'm sorry. It's over!

Oh! We got a film
in a film festival.

How about that,
pauly? [Pager beeps]

Hey. Hey. Beeping.
Beeping. That's jamie.

This is it! Papa!

Hey! Ok. All right.

All right.

Go.

Oh, this is a good day.

All right.

It's just humiliating.

It's not humiliating.

Yes, it is.

What's to be humiliated about?

It's just you and me.

And everybody who
was here last time.

We have to talk.

So I would like to have
my mother, my sister,

Even paul's mother and
sister, and fran in there with me,

And I know paul
doesn't want that.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

You know, it's not
that I don't want it.

It's just that, you know, why?

[Ring]

I'm just... I'm just
saying that, uh...

Whenever I imagined this birth,

I always imagined us surrounded

By the women in our lives,

Drawing on their
experience, you know,

Strengthened by their strength,

Sharing their
stories, their wisdom.

Who, lisa? Lisa's wisdom?

She's my sister, all right?

This is not bothering
anybody else here?

Would you excuse me? Hello.

I told you not to use
this number, didn't i?

What is wrong with you?

Don't get hostile with me,
young lady. I'll give you hostile.

Well, did you look in the
top drawer of the dresser?

I thought so.

Teenagers.

Please, go on.

Anyway, um...

I just don't think it would hurt

To have some of the
women in our lives

There for this.

Which is great.

I have just always seen this

As essentially a
-person proposition.

Interesting.

[Ring]

What's interesting?

One... One second.

Paul: yeah.

Hello.

In the top drawer.

Well, then look in
the laundry basket.

No, you may not wear mine.

Don't test me.

Well, I hate you, too.

I apologize for
the interruption.

Since the divorce,
my daughter...

We don't need to know. Hey,
you know what? Whatever.

Oh, kids. Sometimes they're
more trouble than they're worth.

But also a joy in many ways.

[Ring]

Where were we?
We were, uh... [Ring]

Just ignore it.

As I was saying... [Ring]

Why, paul, are you afraid

Of having anyone else
present at this event?

Is your manhood somehow
threatened by the presence of others?

By the same token, jamie,

Why are you afraid of
being alone with paul?

What fears of intimacy
are you holding,

And is that the reason you're going
into labor when paul's not around?

Damn it!

Well, you'd better take it off.

Don't you talk to me
that way. Are you nuts?

Have you gone insane?

You are going to be on
restriction for the rest of your life.

Do you hear me, young lady?

Nothing. You'll get nothing.

I will lock you in that closet

Till you're an old maid
and nobody wants you.

You know what? If you
want to have people there,

Let's do that. That's fine.

It's just... We always do better
when it's just you and me, that's all.

Let's talk about it later.

Really? You sure?

Absolutely. Be a filmmaker.

Do what you have to do.

You are a wonderful woman.

Honey, honey, honey.

Paul, michael moore.

Mike, how are you?

Michael moore.

Yeah, mike.

Mike, sure.

Ok. Yeah.

Michael moore.

Mike's father and my father

Used to ride the train together.

They used to share a newspaper.

Honey...

Mike... Mike... Mike moore.
Mike. Mickey, right?

No.

Michael moore.
Boy, the filmmaker.

I loved roger & me
and tv nation. boy.

Yes. Hey. Please.

What do I have to say?
Those are great films.

But I think our fathers
rode the train together. No?

No. It's ok, all right?

I just saw buchman.
it's fantastic.

I mean, the warmth,
the heart, the pathos.

Oh, really?

I'm getting on the
phone right now.

I'm calling bob redford.

I'm gonna tell him this
film has to be in sundance.

Wow. Wow. That is unbeliev...

I gotta tell you. Wow.

This is such a labor of
love for me, you know?

I mean, because it's
about family, right?

And family, to me,
it's so important.

It's like the only
important thing, really.

Are you all right, mrs. Buchman?

Yeah. I seem to be
having a contraction.

Ohh. Now?

Yeah.

Maybe I should get
some assistance.

Uh, you know what? It's probably
anoth... It's probably a false labor.

This happens all the time.

What were you saying
about robert redford?

Honey, I think
maybe we should go.

Sweetie, remember? She said it's
not real unless the baby comes out.

You should go.

Oh, we're gonna go, but
finish what you were saying.

I think you need to get
your wife to the hospital.

Oh, we're gonna get... Trust me.
We're all... We're under control here.

Honey, breathe.

Breathe. Yeah. Ok. We're fine.

I know what this looks like.
There's nothing to worry about.

It's a braxton-hicks. I
don't know if you're familiar.

Everything's fine.
Happens all the time.

Buchman, what is wrong with you?

Somebody call a doctor.

Honey, you know what?
I think we should go.

Ok, all right. We're gonna go.

Remember where we
were, and we'll pick it up...

Go! Go! Go, you idiot!

If you need a
/ -inch cassette...

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Sorry.

False alarm.

[Everyone groans]

What? What do you think,
we're playing a practical joke?

No, no. Of course not.

I'm glad I left in
the middle of rent.

I could always
get another ticket.

For $ , .

We're sorry.

You know, I was
in my yoga class,

And I was so close to
getting that feeling

That they always talk about
that you're supposed to get.

Almost got it.
Didn't get it. Thanks.

Well, it doesn't matter to me.

I was in the middle
of a souffle.

It'll keep.

Sorry.

[Sobbing] if I leave now,

I can just make the last
minutes of my shrink appointment.

For god's sake... Please go.

I got nothing to do.

Go home.

Thanks for coming, though.

It's hard for me to imagine

That someday this ring
will fit on my finger again.

And you know
what? If it doesn't...

You'll still love me.

Yeah. No, I'm saying
we could get it sized.

Come here, you.

Take a little walk with moi.

What are you doing?

We'll see what I'm doing.

We'll see who's
doing and who's not.

Oh, no. Really?

What? What?

Joan said this might
help induce labor.

And that's why you're doing it?

Mm-hmm. It's one reason.

If I was falling out of a plane,

I'd be more in the mood to
do this than I am right now.

Well, I will call the airline.

It could be months
before we do this again.

I'll keep myself amused.

Oh, the way you talk.

Sure.

Anything?

Anything? That was amazing.

You're a genius.

Well, ok, but no action?

Honey, can't we just relax
and enjoy the moment?

Sorry. I'm just
very goal-oriented.

Honey, you're putting a
lot of pressure on yourself.

That was wonderful.

Well, I gotta...

To me, this was
an utter failure.

I mean, we're trying
to have a baby.

I don't understand,
why is is so hard?

People do it, you
know. People, every day,

Millions of people
have babies every day.

Idiots can do it.

Idiots have an easier time
giving birth than we do.

You know, hillbillies,
sailors, chickens!

Honey.

I love you very
much, but let's...

Look at the way nature works.

You never see a chicken squat
down and go, "whoop, false alarm."

No, with a chicken,
if they squat,

There's gonna be an egg
coming out of their ass.

Oh, my dear.

Is it their ass? I
don't even know.

I haven't been on a
farm in, like, ever.

Where did you go?

What did joan say about
the water breaking?

She said that's when it's it.

That's when there's no
turning around. It's time.

Why?

My water just broke.

Well, you bet it did, baby.

All right, big sh*t.

No. I'm just saying, you see?

You don't need anybody but me.

You know what?

You're right.

Am i?

You bet you are.

You're the captain.
You're the leader.

You're the pilot,
and you're my coach.

I'm putting my money on you.

My faith is in you. Our
life is in your hands.

Maybe we should call somebody.

All right. We have everything?

I think so.

All right. Nat is on his way.

[Woof woof]

Murray.

Murray, we're gonna go and get
you either a brother or a sister.

Or if it really goes
your way, a schnauzer.

Are we forgetting anything?

We got you. We got
me. We got the baby.

Yeah.

Then no.

Honey.

I know.

All right.

Let's go have us a little baby.

Nurse: well, look who's here?

The girl who cried labor.

My water broke. Thank god.

Are you ready? Yes, I am.

Excuse me. We were here first.

Here first?

That's right. We
came in before you did,

So we should be taken in first.

Not that it makes
any difference,

But I don't think you
actually did come in first.

I beg to differ.

Well, I've been in
here times this week.

Does that count for anything?

Not to me. Today
we were here first.

Tomorrow, I don't care.

Listen, I'm sure you're
feeling anxious. I know I am.

No, no, no. I'm not
anxious at all.

I'm just first, see?

No one's cutting
in line on my birth.

It's not a deli counter.

It certainly is.
Irwin! Come on, hon.

Let's go! We're first.

Excuse us.

What was that all about?

Apparently she was first.

First? What difference
does that make?

That's what I said.
Are we ready now?

Yes.

Wait! Wait! Stop!

What? What?

Oh, my god, my ring.

What, your wedding ring?

Yes. I've been wearing
it around my neck

So I'd have it when
this happened,

And I took it off
when we had sex.

We had sex.

Oh, I threw it in the drawer.

Ok, so we know where it is.

It's not lost.
We'll get it after...

No, no, no, now. Please?

Now? Yes. Please?

I don't want to have this
baby without that ring.

Why?

Because I want it.

You want it this second?

Why are you arguing with me?

Because I don't want
to leave you now.

We should be
doing this together.

Paul, I need that ring.

Come on, man,
she needs the ring.

Is there time for that?

How long will it take you?

About minutes.

Oh, yeah. You got time.

I will... I will get the ring.

Ok.

Are you going to
be ok by yourself?

I'll be fine.

You're gonna call someone.

No.

You're gonna call
somebody, aren't you?

I'm not calling anybody.

Good, because you don't have to.

I'm gonna be right back
and take care of you.

All right. Please don't
have the baby till I get back.

Hurry. Paul: all right.

Ho there.

Hey, nat.

Whoa! That was fast, huh?

Wow, it must be some kind
of record or some such.

Congrats!

Congrats, congrats,
congrats there, mr. Daddy.

So where is the little tyke?

No, no, no. It's
not time yet, nat.

It's just jamie forgot her ring.

Her ring? Yeah.

What does she need a ring for?

Kind of a symbol. It's a good
luck charm. She needs it.

Oh, yeah. I see that.

A little like a money's
finger I kept in a little tube.

Got it. Got it.

All right. See ya, murray.

Well, you take care.
Good luck, huh? Take... Hoo!

Hoo!

Woman patient: what about that
good room, dr. Goldwasser?

When am I getting the good room?

Dr. Goldwasser: I told you.

It's first come, first served.

Oh, is that so? Can
you believe this?

Irwin, you just do
whatever you have to do

To get me that good
room. Am I right?

How we doing here?

I'm fine.

Pretty fine.

What's the good room?

Good room?

Who told you about
the good room?

I heard.

What's it like?

What's it like?

It's good.

Come on.

All right. It's like having
your baby at the waldorf, ok?

Wow.

How do you get it?

Well, actually, it's
first come, first served.

Well, I'm ready to go
right now. I'm totally...

I feel pretty ready to go.

Believe me, you're not.

Is my husband here yet?

I haven't seen him.

What about joan?

She hasn't gotten here yet.

Paul: what's going on here?

What's all this?

You can't go through.
We're sh**ting a movie.

But my wife is having a baby.

Where is she, in the trunk?

No. She's at the hospital.

I had to... She forgot her ring,

So I had to race
home to get the ring.

She sent you home in the middle
of her birth to get her ring?

Yeah. I know. You have to
do better than that, pal.

We just had a big
incident here. It's mayhem.

I... I... Why... Why... Why can't
i... Just one guy, one guy.

Turn it around. Move out of the
way. We got ambulances coming.

Can I one time? Never again.

No! Paul: one guy. Just me.

I told him I wouldn't
call anybody.

Sheila: uh-huh.

Then I panicked and
called everybody.

Uh-huh.

No, I mean everybody. Thank you.

Everybody I've ever had contact with
in my entire life, but nobody was home.

Jamie, it's all right.

You have nothing to worry about.

You have nothing to
be concerned about.

This is my job.
This is what I do.

I'm here for you
now, just for you.

[Pager beeping]

You psychotic little snot!

I'll be right back.

[Sirens blaring]

Thank you.

What?

What?

You know, this better be it.

I was in the middle
of kickboxing class,

And I had to run all the
way down here, all sweating,

And you know what?

I stink.

Is there a shower in here?

I think there's
one in the hall...

Is this going to get yucky?

One can only hope.

When are you taking the dr*gs?

I'm not going to take dr*gs.

I'm gonna try to do
this without dr*gs.

Come on. At least get
the dr*gs. I'll take 'em.

First reporter: film
star bruce willis

Was apparently injured today

During the filming of a
stunt here in manhattan

While sh**ting his
latest film die, already.

Third reporter: was on a
ninth story scaffolding.

No one's quite sure
what happened next,

But something obviously
went horribly wrong.

Hospital spokespeople here will
not confirm or deny that rumor.

His condition is not
known at this time.

You can see quite a crowd.

Let's see if we can
talk to someone.

Sir, as a concerned fan who has
shown up to show moral support,

What would you
say to bruce willis

If you could talk to
him at this moment?

Bruce willis? Oh, I could
care less about bruce willis.

My wife is about to have a baby.

I'm trying to get
upstairs. Excuse me.

So you see, fans from all
over have gathered in droves

To stand vigil for
their fallen idol.

Back to you in the studio.

Oh, this is so exciting.

It bring back memories?

Oh, yeah, the joy!
The elation! Ma!

The overwhelming emotion. Ma!

This is a moment you'll
never forget in your life.

Ma! What?

You were completely
unconscious for the whole thing.

Yeah, so?

You know, uh... Listen,
here's the truth.

My wife is in maternity,

And she's about to have a baby.

Look, here is my
wife's wedding ring.

Yeah. Good one.

Seriously. Her
finger is too swollen.

She had to take it off,
and she put it in a drawer.

So I went... I didn't
want to, believe me...

But I rushed home. I
went to get the ring,

And now... She needs
to have the ring

Before she can have the baby.

Come on.

Well, you let that guy through.

He called him bruno.

You got to know
him to call him bruno.

No. No. I don't know the guy.

Everybody knows
his nickname is bruno.

Really?

Yeah!

We got problems down here.

And the first one is
always the tough one.

I remember lisa got stuck.

Her head was like a boulder.

It just wouldn't budge.

And I was screaming,
"get this kid out of me,"

And so an orderly and a
resident climbed on top of me

And they started pushing down

And pushing and
pushing and pushing,

And finally you squirted out,

, , , Phfft!

He must have gone this way!

Oh, god.

I remember with ryan

They had to slice
me open like a fish.

I looked like I
fell on a grenade.

No. I looked like a
frog being dissected

By a ninth-grade
biology student.

Anybody want to see the scar?

Guard: this way.

[Harmonica starts playing blues]

Hey, how are ya?

Hi.

You with the hospital?

No. No.

Security.

No.

[Sniffing]

The press.

No, no, no. Nothing like that.

Well, I'm trying to have a
little moment of privacy.

Thanks.

Hey, sorry. Please. No. Hey.

Look in here. This way.

Yes, sir.

Got to be down there.

What are you doing here?

I'm voting.

You seen anybody else in here?

No. Nobody else.

I haven't seen anybody.

You didn't see anybody in a
hospital gown, head all bandaged?

Uh... In... No, no.

No, no, no, no.

Come on.

He's got to be down there.

They're gone.

Thanks.

Sure.

Don't mention it.

So, uh, what happened
to your head?

Huh?

Your head, what happened?

I... Fell off a -foot scaffold
at work, landed on my head.

They brought me
down here for tests.

They say it might
be a concussion,

But, to be honest with you,

I don't feel that concussed.

Ok, sure.

You sure you're all right?

Huh?

You gonna be ok?

Yeah. I'm fine, thanks.

Ok. Well, nice to meet you.

Hey, hey.

What?

What are you doing
up here, anyway?

My wife's about to have a baby.

What are you doing loitering
around the men's room

When your wife's
about to have a baby?

Believe me, i...

I got a little problem here.

Do you, by any chance,

Know how to get to
the maternity ward?

Follow me.

[Whispering] cameras.

Oh. You're very good at this.

Listen to me. Be strong now.

That's my message,

Because later, all you're
gonna have to worry about

Is cutting them grapes in half.

Grapes? Yeah, you gotta
cut the grapes in half.

They got them tiny
little windpipes.

Oh, sure. You got it?

So strong now, and
later cut grapes.

You got it. Ok.

Oh, and this is important.

Are you right-handed
or left-handed?

Uh, right-handed. Ok, good.

During delivery, give her

Your hand to hold,
but be careful.

She gets ahold
of that right hand,

She'll squeeze it
like a sock puppet.

You won't be able to
sign your name for a year.

So don't give her the
right hand; cut the grapes.

I can remember this.
You'll be all right.

Listen, if I can do
it, you can do it.

Yeah, ok, this is very helpful.

You're welcome.
Can I give you a hug?

Hey.

Ok. All right.

Good. Good.

Can I give you a little kiss?

It's good.

You wanna make out a little bit?

I don't. No.

Ok.

But thank you.

My breasts were never bigger.

I loved it. I was
actually zaftig.

Debbie: for the
first time in my life,

Men actually talked to
me and stared at my chest.

Theresa: you'll be
fuller-busted, dear.

Sure, I was bigger, but
I had ankles to match.

Of course, when I
stopped breast-feeding,

They looked like a
couple of empty gym socks.

I gained pounds, and
I'm still taking it off.

I lost the weight,
but my body is sh*t.

Bikinis are a thing of the past.

Where is paul?

I have a hell of a
time putting on weight.

Stop it.

Wait, wait, wait.
And what about sex?

Oh, don't even start on that.

Sex? What do you mean?

Where is paul?

Hey, you pick out any names yet?

Names? Well, we
got a few thoughts.

You have any ideas?

What are your kids' names?

Rumer, scout,
and tallulah-belle.

Yeah, well...

We'll think of
something, I'm sure.

Come on, I'll hoist you up.

Are you serious?

Yeah. Grab hold. Ready?

And here we go.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

What happened to him?

He went home to get my ring.

It should have
taken him minutes.

I don't understand.
What happened?

Honey, honey. Come back.

We'll go look for him.

You go look in the elevators,

And I'm gonna check the lobby.

Don't worry,
sweetie, we'll find him.

We'll see if he's lost.

You never can tell with paul.

He'll be here.

Are you sure

This is the fastest way
to the maternity ward?

Hi, my darling.

Daddy, you're here.

Shh. I wouldn't be anyplace
else in the world but here.

I'm so glad.

Look at this little face.

This is the same
sweet little face

You had when you were .

I really never dreamed that
we'd be here together like this.

You about to become a mama...

And me about to
become a grandpa.

Me neither.

But still... You're
my little girl.

You promise?

Ohh... Promise.

Cross my heart.

Ok, take it easy.

You're going?

No, I'm not going.

I'm just gonna wait outside.

And... And I'll be out there...

If you need me.

Ok.

Ok.

Oh, good. Here we are.

Go up to the fifth floor,

Quick rights and a
left. You can't miss it.

Quick rights and a left. Ok.

Listen, you've been a big
help. Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Hey...
You like tomatoes?

I enjoy tomatoes...

I'm gonna send you
some tomatoes, ok?

Shape yourself up.

Listen... Shh!

[Voices]

You never saw me, right?

No, no.

We never had this
conversation. Never.

Take care of
yourself. Gimme a hug.

Take care. Thanks.

Contractions are
getting closer together.

Do you want something?

No. Not yet.

We can't wait anymore.

It's time to move you now.

No. Not without paul.

Jamie, it's not me.

I'd wait for him all day.

It's the baby. He's very
impatient. We've got to go.

I don't want to do
this without paul.

Honey... It'll make
a great story.

Let's go.

James?

Paul, where are you?

I'm here. Where are you?

I'm right here.

Hey, there you are. Here I am.

It's you! It's me!

Come here, come here, come here.

Thank god. What
happened? Is everything ok?

Yeah. Fine, fine.
No problem. Look.

Here's your ring...

Forget about the ring. I
don't care about the ring

As long as I have you.

Oh, don't tell me that now.

Joan: come on, let's move it. I
want to get the good room.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

Hey. Oh. Uh... All right, look.

Um, I'm paul.

We were here first.

Actually, I don't think
so. I think it's a tie.

You wish it was a tie.
you wish it was a tie.

We're getting the good
room. You and what army?

Oh, I'm shaking.

Joan... Ben...

All right, how
dilated is this one?

Centimeters.

Mine's eight. Yes!

Contractions? Minutes apart.

. Liar.

Read 'em and weep.

[Moans] here comes one.

Me too, me too!

Oh... [All talking at once]

Hey, hey, hey!

Dr. Epstein.

What is going on here?

The good room, sir. Again?

Every damn day the good room.

I'm sick of the good
room. I'm closing it.

Not today you're not. No way.

What if I said neither one
of you gets the good room?

What if I reached
down your throat

And delivered your colon?
How would you like that?

Oh, very nice. You're
a bargain over here.

Oh, for god's sakes.
Look at you two!

You're both gonna be
parents. You should be ashamed.

I'm not. Me neither.

You two just work it
out like mature people.

You want to sh**t for it?

Odds or evens?

How do you put out
fingers? Leave me alone.

You had the good room
in the palm of your hand.

Oh, god.

Hmm. Contraction?

Mmm.

Ok. All right. Breathe.

Uh.

Breathe. Wanna try
another position?

Mm-hmm.

[Elevator dings]

Eh! Good, good, good.

There you go.

Hello.

Oh, god!

Are you ok?

Yeah, she's fine. She's fine.

Why'd you call me?

I wasn't here yet, so she
was just a little scared.

So you called me. Well,
I can understand that.

It's not what you think. I
called everybody I know.

Interestingly, I don't
see anybody else here.

All right, alan, I'm
here now, so you can go.

Ok, but if you need me, well,
obviously, you have my number.

Don't overinterpret that. I
just never took it out of my book.

I don't have your
number, but whatever.

It was nice of
you to think of me

At the most important
moment of your life.

Somebody k*ll him and blame me.

Ok. Nice seeing you again, pete.

That sort of stuff doesn't
happen in the good room.

Breathe through it, jamie.

There you go. Good girl.

Do you want
something for the pain?

Mm-mmm. If I want
something, I'll say.

All right. Just let me know.

Hi, honey. It's mommy.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Jamie: mmm.

Honey?

Ohhh! Honey.

Ohhh!

Ohh!

Honey.

Why are you in so much pain?

Hmm?

Probably because
it hurts like hell.

[Jamie breathes heavily]

Hello.

Excuse me.

Could I talk to
you for a second?

Sure.

Uh, why don't you give
her something for the pain?

Why are you letting her lie
there and suffer like that?

Mrs. Stemple...

My baby is in pain. Why are
you just standing there?

Why don't you do something?

Give... Give her a drip!

You know, theresa...

My daughter is in pain here!

Somebody help her! Help her!
Somebody help my daughter!

What's the matter? You're
all just standing there!

Help! Help! Help!
Help my daughter!

You get out of my way!

Oh, honey, my god!

What kind of
doctor do you call...

Mrs. Stemple!

Mrs. Stemple,
jamie is try to have

A natural childbirth.

Ahh... Are you out of your mind?

Mrs. Stemple. This will make
you feel so much better.

Breathe.

Why is it so noisy
and crowded in here?

Jamie, they have to do this.

Don't even pay
attention to them.

Shh! You just focus
on... Don't talk.

Why not?

Just don't.

Joan: keep breathing,
jamie. You're doing great.

You really are.
You are doing just...

Don't talk.

Just me?

Yes.

I'm not allowed to talk?

Please?

Joan just talked.

Anybody can talk. Just not you.

I just don't understand...

Are you gonna pick
a fight with me now?

No, no, no! You gonna
start with me now?

Ouaaahhh!

Do you have to do this
now? Don't worry about her.

I hate her.

It's all right.

Ohhh...

Ohh... I love you.

Ohhh...

What are you doing?

What's the matter with you?
Why aren't you saying something?

Now? Yes.

Now it's ok to talk?

Yes! Oh, no, no!

It's just during the contraction

I can't stand the
sound of your voice.

I see.

Mmm. That makes sense.

What about the epidural?

No, not yet.

Joan: all right.

Sweetie, I love you.

Oh, I love you so much.

My god.

When you think about the fact...

Do you remember when we
first started... Wait. Shut up.

I'm having another contraction.

Ohh!

Ohh!

She's % effaced
and completely dilated.

All right, then it's time.

Jamie, honey, listen to me.

Jamie, listen to me. You're
completely effaced and dilated.

That means it's time to push.

Ok.

Now.

Now what? Now dr*gs.

Now? Now.

Jamie, honey, you
see, it's too late.

What?

There's a certain
window of opportunity

During which an epidural
can be administered,

And in your case, you waited
so long that, well, now...

Now what?

The window is closed.

What?! It's closed.

It's closed? Open it!

I can't. You can't
open the window?

The window is closed. No,
no, no. Open the window.

Honey, it's closed. Break
it! Break the window!

What kind of a doctor are you?

I can't break the
window. You're fired.

You're fired. Go on, get out.

Leave the gloves here and
get out! Paul, break the window.

Sweetie, she's saying
they can't. Oh, my god!

All right, jamie, you
feel like pushing? Yes.

Ok, let's lift her up now.

All right, push!

Nurse: , , ,
, , , , , , !

Uhh!

Joan: , , ... What
are you doing?

What?

Why are you squishing
your face like that?

'Cause I'm feeling your pain.

But not really, ok.

And , ... Good.

, , , , , ,
... Oh, blecch!

She's pushing!

Oh! Oh, hooray! She all right?

[Panting]

Nurse: , , , , .

Uhh!

Good girl. Attagirl.

You're doing so good.

I'm so proud of you.

Paul, come here. Hmm?

You see that? Hey!

That's your baby's head.

Oh, my god. Oh, god.

What a beautiful head!

Paul: ohh...

Sweetie, it's got your little...

Your forehead thing going.

Ok, jamie, now one more push.

I can't.

One more push. I know it's
hard, honey, but you can.

One more push, and
this baby will be out.

Now, come on. You ready? No.

You ready? No.

You ready? No.

You ready?

I can't. I really
can't. I just can't.

Yeah, you can.
Sweetie, yeah, you can.

You can. You can do anything.

You ok?

I can?

Yes.

Ready.

Come on. Ok.

Ready. Ready?

Ok. Push... ... Push.

Push. ... ... Good girl.

Push.

Oh, here we go.
Gangway for baby.

Ok, here it is!

Got it!

Got it!

Ohhh... [Baby cries]

You've got yourselves
a beautiful baby girl.

[Baby crying]

Paul. There you go. Right there.

That's it.

Mmm...

Ohhh... [Baby crying]

Jamie: ohh!

Hey, hey... Look who's here.

Hi.

Hi, little baby.

Hey.

That's your mommy.

Hi.

I'm your daddy.

Well, welcome to the world.

And we will be your hosts.

Know what?

What?

It turns out... this
is the good room.

Oh... [Very softly]
♪ happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

All: ♪ happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Dear... ♪

What's the name?

We're talking...
Still working on it.

Uh, anyway... ♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

[Baby coos]

Ah! Ha ha! Ha ha!
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