02x01 - The Truth and Other Lies

[bunniefuu]

HENRY (voice over): When
we moved to New York,

we had a great
apartment that was cheap.

KIP (voice over):
And we found out why.

HENRY: Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building...

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these
other ladies know us

as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know us

as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.

HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

(sighs)

What a beautiful,
beautiful night.

Dinner, theater, carriage ride.

Pretty special, Kip.

Heh, how about the wading

in the fountain at
Lincoln Center, huh?

Ooh, that was my favorite.

Me too. I picked up
85 cents with my toes.

Who's that? Sonny, is that you?

I wasn't doing anything,
Isabelle, honest.

Girl, I don't care.

I'm not your mama.

Mm-mm-mm, you know,
for a good-lookin' boy,

you sure got ugly feet.

Yeah, but bone
structure... Clean my...

Look, they pick
up a dime, all right?

Isabelle, you
gonna be here long?

Honey, I'm doin' the
hotel bookkeepin'.

Well, I think you
should go to bed,

and let Lilly do that when
she gets back from Pago Pago,

or whatever island
she's currently terrorizing.

I can't get that old woman back.

Now she's engaged
to some native chief.

He won't come back, 'cause
he's afraid of the great silver bird.

Hello.

Hello, I'm having
Rex Reed's baby.

BOTH (flatly): Great.

Sonny, put your
shoes on and go to bed.

Kip, get out, now!

Well, I guess I
should go home now.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

Oh, Kip, I had such a
wonderful evening tonight.

And I really mean that.

Yeah, me too.

Well... good night.

Good night.

BOTH: Wow!

You know, Sonny, you just, uh...

You just quite literally
knocked my socks off.

(laughing)

Well, tsk, I gotta go. Yeah.

I mean, I really should go.

I'm gonna go. I-I gotta go.

Okay.

Sonny, if I gotta go
now, I'm going to die.

Kip... come here.

Why don't...? Why don't...?

Why don't I come over
to your place for a drink?

Oh, that is such a
good idea. Yeah?

That is a very good idea.

That is such an excellent idea.

Where do you live?

Say what?

Where do you live?

(mouths): Where do I live?

In a motel.

What?

I live in a motel.

Well, what motel?

Uh, the closest one.

Maybe we should have
that drink some other time.

No, wait, wait.

Sonny, hey, hey, ha-ha,
there's always your place.

Now, I-I know there's...
There's no men allowed,

but, hey, I've got a wacky idea.

I'll dress up like a woman.

I'll put on a wig,
maybe a dress...

Kip, really, I gotta go.

But I had a wonderful
evening. Really.

Oh, me too.

If I would have known I
was gonna strike pay dirt,

I would've bought a condo.

( upbeat jazz theme playing)

HENRY: You told
Sonny you live in a motel?

KIP: Well, how am I
supposed to tell her I live here?

Boy, I tell you. This is
really sucko, my friend.

And I'm not just
talking about lust.

I've learned how
to deal with that.

(breathing rapidly)

I'm talking about... lying.

I am constantly lying to a woman

I care very much about.

Yeah, I can't help feeling
we're not being honest.

(knocking)

BOTH (high-pitched
voices): Who is it?

SONNY: It's Sonny.

Uh, just a minute, Sonny.

I'm taking off my makeup.

(both humming)

Hey, Moe, look at this.

(normal voice): How do I look?

(normal voice): Like
a socket wrench.

We're like a well-oiled machine.

And speaking of
well-oiled machines...

(high-pitched voice):
So, Sonny, come on in.

Hi. Enter, enter, enter.

Sit, sit, sit.

What are you doing
up at this hour?

(tks)

I had a date with
your brother Kip.

And by the way, what's
the deal with him?

Gosh, I don't know.

He's just a great
guy, I guess. Why?

Well, I don't know.

It's just sometimes
he's schizophrenic.

I mean, I had one of the
most wonderful evenings

of my life tonight.

I'm not surprised.

I've been out with
him three times.

I think he's hunky.

Up to a point.

But when I asked
him where he lived,

he went freaky on me.

I mean, he gave me some
strange story about a motel.

But I think he's
hiding something.

Well, look, Sonny, I...

I don't know about
this motel nonsense,

but I do know that Kip
would never want to lie to you.

Of that I'm sure.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

Well, look, forget
about my problems.

The reason why I
stopped by tonight is this:

I've got great news.

Have you ever heard of
the country of San Flan?

Are these subjects related
or is this just a pop quiz?

No, this is a scoop.

A friend of mine,
Byron, is assigned

to the state department
to the San Flan embassy,

and there's gonna be
a big reception there

tomorrow night,
and we're all invited.

So I'll pick you up at 7,
press your evening gowns

and you're gonna be adorable
ambassadors of goodwill.

Bye. BUFFY: Bye.

(normal voice): Goodwill? How'd she
know where we got these gowns from?

I'm so frustrated.

I just wanted to grab a
hold of her and hold her

and stroke her hair,
tell her the truth.

Well, if you would have,

it would have made
things a lot easier.

Evening gowns. Great!

Now I gotta shave my back.

(upbeat instrumental
music playing)

Good band.

Good band, good band.

Hello, girls.

Hi, Sonny.

Well, that guy has had his
hands all over her all night.

Buf, Buffy, Buffalo girl,

why don't ya come
out tonight to Mommy?

They were dancing.

People are supposed to
touch when they dance.

Well, they don't have to.

Why can't we be doing
the...? The frug or the Watusi?

Or the Bristol stomp?

The Bristol stomp?

♪ The kids in Bristol
Are sharp as a p*stol ♪

♪ When they do
The Bristol stomp... ♪

And did you also
know that San Flan

is the world's largest
exporter of tub and tile grout?

Did you know grout?

That's the white stuff that
they put between the tiles

to make them stick together.

Oh, grout. Grout, yes.

Oh, yes, the sticky stuff
in the cracks. Of course.

MAN: Of course.

Our country may be very poor,

but we don't leak.

Oh, generalissimo, I
would like you to meet

Miss Buffy Wilson and
Miss Hildy Desmond.

May I present His Excellency,
the President of San Flan,

Albon Degas.

How do you do?

I love a woman
with large knuckles.

I don't know why, but I do.

Well, there are leg men.

I guess there could
be knuckle men.

Excuse me, el presidente,

but the senator and
Liz have just arrived.

Oh, Liz!

Liz, you look wonderful!

More pâté, more pâté, grande!

I'm so embarrassed. I can't...

Liz Taylor and I are
wearing the same dress.

It's sort of exciting,
though, actually.

Oh, stop it!

I cannot believe this.

Last night Sonny promised
to fly me to the moon

and let me play
amongst her stars...

and now look at her.

She's rubbing elbows with
that pencil-neck Byron geek.

I tell ya, he is just
the kind of smoothy

that would have
his own apartment.

Yeah, that's the trouble
with America today.

It's full of guys... renting.

I tell you, Henry,

you are looking
at a man in pain.

A man in misery.

A man in the tightest-fitting
blue chiffon evening gown

you have ever seen.

(inhales sharply)

(sighs)

If I could just tell
Sonny the truth.

I trust her.

I think we can trust her.

I think you should tell her.

Ah, gee, pfft, you
are yankin' me.

No.

Just tear off your gown and say:

"I'm not woman. Hear me roar."

You mean I have your blessing?

Consider yourself blessed.

All right. I'll do it.

But keep your hands
out of the punch.

Now, when you get
back to the hotel tonight,

I want you to find
a familiar place,

then you tear off your
gown, and you say...

Buff?

Buff?

Oh, my God! Not now!

Hi. Hi.

Kip is crazy.

Yeah, and Joan Crawford
stripped with her kids.

So, what else is new?

No, Amy, Kip is gonna tell
Sonny who Buffy really is.

What?

I don't believe it! No!

I don't care if you
don't believe it.

It's not a survey.
We've gotta stop him.

Amy!

Well, for heaven's sakes,

what a warm surprise
to find you here.

Darling, could you take my
coat and, uh, get me a cocktail?

Ruth, heh, I'm an
invited guest here.

Well, of course you
are, darling. I'm sorry.

I'll have a Manhattan.

You know, Sonny, I
think we should have

had this chat a
long, long time ago.

So... Sonny...

Sonny...

Sonny, Sonny, Sonny, Sonny...

You know, it's funny,
your brother Kip

always says that to me.

Sonny?

Thanks for that opening.

You know, Sonny, how
sometimes when people first meet,

they don't always act
like what they really are?

Now, maybe it's because

they're embarrassed, or
shy, or just plain stupid...

Oh, lots of people
do that, Buffy.

I mean, let's face it.
We're all a little insecure.

Yes, well, I'm secure.

And I know that
when I tell you this,

we are gonna look back on this

and just laugh and laugh...

Because this is important.

This is going to
strengthen our relationship.

Ta-da!

Oh, my God!

Ain't this a shocker, huh?

How could you?

How could you do this to me?

No, wait, Sonny, please.
Let's just keep this down.

Let's just keep this between
the two of us, all right?

'Cause frankly, I...

I don't wanna
cause a scene here.

ANNOUNCER (over microphone):
And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the San Flanian national anthem.

(rousing music playing)

Sonny... Don't talk to me.

Don't ever talk to me, Kip.

I trusted you.

Sonny, I... I... I'm sorry.

Ahh!

( upbeat jazz theme playing)

You know, Henry,

you have every reason
in the world to hate me.

Oh, come on, don't be crazy.

I lost a cheap
apartment. So what?

Maybe a couple of
chapters in a book.

But you... You got
major blond problems.

Yeah. I don't need
to be reminded.

Boy, this was so
hard to find in my size.

(door opening)

Stop packing! Stop packing!

I've got it! I've got it!

All right, Isabelle
can throw out

Hildy and Buffy,
right? Right. Bu...

(laughing)

She cannot throw out

Sister Immaculata
and Sister Concepción.

Well, that was quite a little
show you put on tonight.

Have you got anything
to say to Miss Manager?

Kip, Henry, come here.

Now you know I like both
of you very, very much.

I like Hildy and Buffy.

It would look
really embarrassing

if every woman in this hotel

found out I'd been
conned all this time.

I have a reputation to protect.

So as long as no one else knows,

I'm willing to ignore
your little... hobbies.

Oh, you...
(indistinct chattering)

What can I say?

Except out, out.
Everybody out right now.

In the hallway,
hide the short guy.

Well, hi, Sonny, what's new?

Sonny, I just wanted

to thank you for
the wonderful time

the other night...

So, Sonny, what a night, huh?

Kip, there really isn't
any need for small talk.

I just came by to get a
few things you borrowed

in your wild and girlish youth.

Look, Sonny, if you are
mad, I certainly understand.

I'm not mad, Kip.

Oh, and this is mine.

Well, sure you're mad.

I said I wasn't mad.

And by the way,
this suitcase is mine.

Oh, sorry.

Well, now, what about

all those secrets
you've told me, hm?

I told you nothing.

That's right.

You told Buffy. And I am Buffy.

The same Buffy
that knows everything

about when you got your
first hickey... and where!

I'm so mad at you!

I'm so mad at you, Kip Wilson.

I can't stand the sight of you!

That's good mad. That's good.

Let... Let's get this out.

Get it out!

The only thing I wanna
get outta you is your heart!

And I wanna pull it
through your mouth!

All right, there, that's
much, much better.

Dirty little slimy
liar... All right.

All right, this is good.

We're... We're communicating.

Um, now...

Let's segue, shall we,
from mad to talking.

That is throwing.

Talking is with your lips.

You know, I actually
felt sorry for you.

I mean, you were
the only girl I knew

who had hair growing
out of her ears.

Well, you're a liar! A liar!

I hate... No!

You are good at
mad, I'll give you that.

All right.

Look, will you just
give me a second?

You've got a second!

All right.

You hate me.

Fine.

But I will tell you
something, girlie girl.

I love you. (scoffs)

You love me? You love me?

(scoffs)

You've been wearing
a dress for a year

because you love me?

Yeah.

Oh come on, Kip.

Do you really
expect me to believe

that you've been dressing like a
woman so you can be near me?

Yeah.

(scoffs)

And you caused an
international incident tonight

because you love me?

You got it, blondie.

Well, what're you
gonna do about it?

What am I gonna do...?
What am I gonna do?!

What're you gonna do about it?

What're you gonna do about it?

What're you gonna do about it?

What're you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna do this: Oh!

BOTH (in unison): Wow!

(both gasping)

Sonny...

I am so sorry.

( stirring theme playing)

But you gotta
understand, please...

I had nothing but
the best intentions.

I know.

God, Kip, I... I
was just so hurt.

I... I'm still not sure
about you and me.

But I'll tell you one thing...

you sure go outta your
way to impress a girl.

Eh.

I don't mind.

I mean... (chuckles): Well...

Heck, anybody can send flowers.

Are you sure you love me?

Well, I certainly hope so.

I'm lying on you.

( upbeat jazz theme playing)

Yeah, that's the look you want.

KIP: We put the
disclaimer right here.

HENRY: Right. Yeah. That'll go.

Good morning, boys. Hi.

Here we go. Humiliation city.

Uh, Ruth, uh, about
the other night.

Uh... Yeah?

Well, come on, let's
hear those jokes.

You know, that we are
men who wear dresses.

Uh, we're expecting
some gags, some zingers,

a little dig you
wanna wing our way.

Boys, boys, look.

I have, on occasion,
in the name of love,

put on some... rather
unique costumes myself.

So who am I to condemn you?

You mean that our... Our business
relationship hasn't changed any?

Not one iota.

What you do in the
privacy of your own lives

is absolutely your business.

Oh-ho-ho. Well, my landy.

Ain't that a kick in the head?

That woman is a saint. You...

You think you know
someone, and...

Oh, boys, by the way, uh...

if ever on an
occasional blue Monday

you feel like putting
on a little lace

just to perk up the day,

I want you both to feel free
to go right ahead and do that.

(laughing): Okay?

( upbeat jazz theme playing)