02x06 - WaterBalloonGate

[bunniefuu]

HENRY (voice-over): When
we first moved to New York,

we had a great apartment
that was dirt cheap.

KIP: And we found
out why it was so cheap.

HENRY: Our friend,
Amy, said there was

a great apartment
in her building.

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these other ladies
know us as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know
us as Kip and Henry,

Buffy and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.

HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

( Stephanie Mills'
"Shake Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ooh... ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( funky theme playing)

Down!

Set!

1, 29, 32!

1, 29, 32! Hut!

Hut!

(grunting, growling)

Sipe in the end
zone, looking deep.

Spots Newsome in the end zone!

Oh. Oh!

Woo-hoo! Touchdown, Cleveland!

Woo-hoo-hoo! Woo-hoo! (laughing)

The Browns tie it up!

W-w... Whoa, Amy. Ah!

(grunts)

It's over. It's a touchdown.

Why are you tackling me?

Ooh. 'Cause it feels so good!

Oh, come on, you
guys. Cut it out.

Boom! That's the fourth quarter.

We're going into overtime!

Browns' ball.

No way. I haven't
had the ball once yet.

Amy, we're just doing
the highlights, okay?

Huddle up.

Okay, I want it split left...

BOTH: Get out of here.

You're trying to
steal our signals.

All right. I think I can b*at
the girl to the end zone.

Pretty macho. I'm a manly man.

Let's do it.

BOTH: Ready... break!

(clears throat)

Down!

Set! Hut! Hut!

(grunting) Oh...
Ah! Time, time, time!

Great. We need another
player. You're on defense.

Get on defense. Oh. Oh. Oh.

No way. I don't want her.

BOTH: You gotta take her.

I always get stuck
with the wimps.

Now, children, did
it never occur to you

the impression this might make

if an important client

just happened to
breeze in here right now?

Hm? Hm?

Hit drill! (yells)

Stop it... this instant.

Ruth, we don't have
important clients.

We have clients like
Bilko's Novelty Shop.

And I don't think
we're gonna offend

a guy that makes
dribble glasses for a living.

All right, my chicks,

as your silent partner,
I feel obliged to speak.

This... is a business.

This is... our business.

And it's important that

you run it in an adult fashion.

Well, hm. Ruth, let's
huddle up for a sec.

(laughs)

Speaking to you now
no longer as a boss,

but as a partner...

I hate it when you
remind me of that.

Well, I was... I
was going to say,

I... I agree with you.

I think we'll just settle down.

Yeah. We're sorry, Mrs. Cleaver.

And my, you look
beautiful today.

Can it be so?

Can it be true, really?

No sulks, no snits,
no... long monologues

about your creative freedom?

We are not men. We are Devo.

(sighs)

Oh, I love it.

I mean, it truly thrills me

when young men
do everything I ask.

Well, Ruth, all young
men need discipline.

This is true. This is true.

That's funny. It
makes me think of

a perfectly wonderful weekend
I had at West Point once.

I had this whole brigade
of cadets lined up...

Oh, I'm terribly late.

(clears throat) You know...

we really should follow
that woman's advice.

Hunker down. Get
ourselves to work.

BOTH: Nah!

Browns' ball! First and ten.

No way. No way, no way.

No way. It's my ball.

If I cannot be offense,
I'm taking the ball,

I'm just going home.

Okay. Okay, you're offense.

You can be offense. First down.

Thanks.

BOTH: Red dog!

(all yelling)

( upbeat theme playing)

All right, you kids be
good at home today

while Daddy's
at work, all right?

(Spanish accent): Don't leave
me here. I hate this stupid accent.

Shh!

It's a cold, cruel world
out there, little buckaroos.

Set me free. (deep
voice): Me first.

Me first. Me first.

All right!

All right? All right. Shh.

It's nice. Quiet.

Adios, amigos.

Kids... they give you
so much heartache.

You guys could have grown up

and had a fine
job with Goodyear.

KIP (laughing): Hey.

Hey, Henry. Yeah.

Wanna take a ride
on the time machine?

Forwards or backwards?

Oh, backwards, I think.

And here we go:

1981, 1980, '78, '75.

Oh, the years are
going by so fast.

Oh. Now they're slowing down.

'71... 1970.

(slowly): 1970.

Junior high.

Wow, I'm late for Civics class.

The onslaught of puberty.

Mom finds a Playboy in my room.

(high voice): What kind
of boy reads Playboy?

Lake summers with your sister.

(high voice): Henry, Henry...

One evening... I don't
wanna hear about it.

I'm talking about this.

(French accent):
A water balloon?

Ain't she a beaut?

She's soft, she's mushy.

Gooshy in all the right places.

You're bad, bad, bad.

She wants you.

She needs you.

She's quivering for you.

She's mine.

(chuckles)

I love a girl who
likes to party.

Let's do it! (yells)

(laughs) Okay,
ramrod in formation.

Open b*mb bay doors,
please. (imitates static)

(muffled): b*mb bay doors open.

Hey, there's a guy
in a suede jacket.

Looks like my old dentist.

Oh, wow.

No, no, don't get in the...

Don't get in the cab.

Here comes a jogger

in a Cardin
lime-green jogging suit.

Ooh. He's asking for it.

Now don't get...
Don't get in the cab!

Why is everybody
taking cabs today?

Hypocrite!

Hey, there's Mort,
the hot dog guy.

Cheapskate. Last time
we bought from him,

he gave us short kraut.

Uh, that's a tough toss though.

He's halfway under an umbrella.

Well, it's the challenge

that makes this
the sport of kings.

You ready... aim... drench.

(balloon thuds)

Ooh! Ah! Oh, no. You missed.

All you hit was that black car.

I don't have it anymore.

I'm gonna have to
become an announcer,

and spend the rest of my life

locked in a booth
with Frank Gifford.

I'm going after it.

No, come on. Look, take it easy.

(screams)

Just kidding.

I mean, come on,
don't blame yourself.

The... The games change.

It's... It's all
different these days.

You know, they're... They're
using a different balloon now.

No. No. I let you down.

Let the team down.

I let the whole school down.

Hey, kid.

Have a Life Saver.

Thanks, Mr. Fonda.

Freeze!

BOTH (high voices): Who is it?

Up against the couch!

Frisk 'em, Fred.

Well, we just better
do what they say, Buffy.

What is this all about?

I don't under... Hey.
Very muscular women.

Yeah, we do Nautilus.

Then there's the lacrosse league

on Saturday. Yeah, every...

Shut up or I'll shut up for you.

Hey, it was just a
silly prank, you guys.

I didn't even throw it.

She did. Oh.

She threw it.
Thank you, girlie-girl.

Cut the small talk.

Cuff 'em, and we'll
take 'em downtown.

Downtown?

Not in this dress.

(whispers): Buffy,
these are cops.

All the more reason
to look our best.

No, ladies. We're
Secret Service.

Secret Service?

Just who did we hit?

Richard Milhous Nixon.

( tense theme playing)

( dramatic theme playing)

If we would have
known who it was,

we never would have

thrown the water balloon.

The poor man's
been through enough.

Nice try, toots.

Look, we're here talking as*ault

and dampening a
former president.

But we didn't know it was him.

We're sorry. We're
sorry. We're sorry.

Besides, we didn't
actually hit him.

We hit his Chevy.

Maybe it had just been polished.

Yeah. It's possible... You
know, that's always the way.

Look, you girls
seem nice enough.

But why is it that we
don't have any records

for a Buffy Wilson or a
Hildegarde Desmond?

Did you check behind the couch?

(slaps leg) This is
no time to be flip.

Dr. Fritzly.

(clears throat)

Ladies, you're about to receive

the most thorough
and intimate frisk

of your lives.

N... N-nein. Nein...

Ist verboten. Herr Doktor.

Un, "Edelweiss."
Stalag 17. Uh...

(both speak indistinctly)

We'll confess to
anything. Sound of Music.

Thank you. Thank
you, Frau Fritzly.

You can go back
to your experiments.

(door slams)

We are not really women.

(man sighs)

Quite a scenario.

The Russians send in two
agents into a women's hotel

in order to form
a Communist cell.

Why wouldn't they just
send women agents?

Why wouldn't they
send women agents?

(scoffs)

Have you ever seen
a Russian woman?

Only in powerlifting
competition.

Would you stop goofing around?

We... We'll... We
will cooperate fully.

Yes. That's what we
wanna do. Sincerely.

I'm Henry Desmond.
Uh, this is...

This is my pal, Kip Wilson.

We're buddies. Uh,
we're Americans.

Look, we can prove it.

Mount Rushmore.

(mouthing): Will you stop it?

Henry Desmond and Kip Wilson.

Okay.

They check out.

Wow, that was fast.

American ingenuity.

Nope. Japanese Technocraft.

Look. What we did was...

Was very childish
and very stupid...

DEL: Uh-huh. And
we're very, very sorry.

We... It will never happen
again. I swear, and...

And I wanna personally apologize

for my friend's
stupid behavior here.

Hey. What's got into you?

Del. I think we
ought to let 'em go.

Okay. BOTH: Thank you.

We'll let you go. But
we know who you are.

We know what you do.
We know what you eat.

You are what you eat.

We know your SAT scores.

We know when
you've been sleeping.

We know when you're awake.

Great. We've been
busted by Santa Claus.

Will you knock it off?

Look, uh, from here on in

we're gonna be
textbook Americans. Heh.

You can bet your
service revolver on that.

Ah, not so fast.

There's still a matter of
a broken door I'd like...

Nice to meet you, Fred.

(mouths words)

( upbeat theme playing)

AMY: You hit Nixon's
car with a water balloon?

(all laughing) That's
what he wanted to do.

I cannot believe you
people are laughing at this.

Henry and I happen to
be in very serious trouble.

And deservedly so, I might add.

Ruth warned us about this.

This is just our... Our...

Our juvenile behavior
catching up with us.

Take it easy. Lighten
up, babe, huh?

You might bust a balloon.

(ladies laughing)

Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha, it's...

It's so funny, I-I
forgot to laugh.

(laughs)

We still might not
get out of this mess

unscathed, you know.

Have you noticed?

Recognize who's behind
those Foster Grants?

Hi, Fred.

Oh, hi, Kip.

Uh... how's the Reuben sandwich?

It's a little fatty. Try
the Salisbury steak.

(all laughing)

I am not trying to be fu...

The Reuben is a
little fatty, okay?

(everyone laughing harder)

A few minutes ago, a
German doctor wanted

to use my body to
take a fantastic voyage.

We're being followed
by this flatfoot.

No offense, Fred,
you're just doing your job.

Henry and I could
have ended up in prison,

for crying out loud.

And you guys...
(speaks gibberish)

I think a little
voice is telling me,

"Kip Wilson, it's
time to grow up."

And I'm beginning to think...

"That's absolutely right,
It's about time I did grow up."

And I think it's about time
you did the same thing.

Should grow up.

(laughing) (laughing)

(laughing)

I... Uh, uh...

I think it's probably a bad time

to discuss mooning the UN.

(all laughing)

( upbeat theme playing)

You know what your problem is?

You gotta grow up.
You're too immature.

Yeah?

Well, I'm rubber, you're glue.

Whatever you say bounces
off of me and sticks onto you.

Shakespeare, right?

Hey, come on, you guys.

Will you quit fooling around?

That Bilko makes a
quality product, huh?

You know, Henry, I'm
glad you brought this up.

I am beginning to
have second thoughts

about this Bilko's
Novelty Shop stuff.

I mean, th... These
novelty items,

they're just...
kind of childish.

Look, buddy.

The Muppets may be childish...

but Jim Henson can
afford his own planet.

But some of this stuff
is dangerous, Henry.

I-I-I-I mean, look.

Now... imagine...

some of this mustache falls off.

You suck it up your nose.

It goes up that
canal into your brain.

Bammo! Subdural hematoma.

You're a Brussels sprout.

What're you, nuts?

The Surgeon General
tests all this stuff.

They got mice wearing
these for weeks.

(gruff voice): Hello!

(laughs, claps)

Hey, uh... Amy,
come here for a sec,

I need to talk to you.

What? Just... Just a conference.

Yeah. Just, uh,
come on over here.

Have a seat. Yeah.

(whoopee cushion whistling)

(snickers)

Yuck.

Disgusting.

No, it's not.

It's... It's good,
clean American fun.

That is... rubber death.

Imagine somebody
with a bad heart

sits on one of these things,

the noise surprise him.

The blood starts pounding

and pounding and pounding.

Bammo!

Myocardial infarction.

I could have
gotten an infarction?

Henry, I just can't believe

in any of this stuff
anymore, that's all.

What're you saying?
What're... I mean...

You can't believe in
water-squirting flowers?

There. Now imagine
some of that water

washes out a contact lens...

blurs Amy's vision.

She goes outside
to pick up a paper,

walks into the path
of an oncoming cab.

Bango! Broken coccyx
and a massive hemorrhage.

Golly, Henry.

You could have k*lled me.

Amy, you don't even
wear contact lenses.

Kip, you're a space case.

Why, because I show
concern for my fellow man?

What, by depriving them
of their right to plastic barf?

(screams)

Great. She found it.

(door slams)

Henry...

Henry, if you wanna live

in this little kids'
fantasy world...

go right ahead.

But I can't.

I guess I've seen
too much of what

it's really like out there.

It's a little spooky
out there, Henry,

and you gotta watch your step.

Because if you don't,

too many things can go wrong.

Hey, come on, Kip, lighten up.

Aw, come on, buddy. I'm...

All right, I'm just
kidding. Come on.

Hey. Think fast.

( dramatic theme playing)

(door closes)

Hey, Kip.

Kipper.

♪ Kip to my Lou My darlin' ♪

My name is Kip.

What's that? I conch hear you.

(laughs)

Hm. Quit fooling around, okay?

I'm sorry, I know your name.

I'm just being playful.

It's the puppy-like
quality in me.

Remember when you used
to scratch behind my ear?

Henry, I don't wanna
play right now, all right?

Come on. You used to
have a sense of humor.

Yeah. And we used to
have some privacy too.

Did you see this?

Hm?

A microphone. A bug.

This is what being
foolish has gotten us.

♪ All of me Why
not take all... ♪

Would you stop that.

Why? You're
gonna get in trouble.

Hey, come on. Trouble's
my middle name.

Henry, what...
Henry, are you cra...

Aw. Are you crazy?

Uh-huh.

And you used to be.

Wonder how this would sound.

(stamps floor) ♪ Baba loo ♪

(yelping)

(laughing)

Oh, I got a great idea.

I'm gonna go eat
some Rice Krispies.

Henry, you are
gonna get us in trouble

all over again.

It's all right. Trouble's good.

Tsk.

Come on, Kip. Can't you
see you're overreacting?

I mean... all right,

we goofed around,
we got in trouble.

There's no reason to
make a 180-degree turn.

I mean...

I mean, where does it
say that when you grow up,

you have to stop laughing?

(laughs sarcastically)

There, you happy now?

How's he doing, Henry?
Has he smiled yet?

No, not yet. I think
we're just gonna

have to do the best we can.

Hi, Kip.

I brought you a present.

See that? Amy
brought you a present.

Oh. Ooh.

She's bouncy. She's full.

And she's got more jiggle than

Charo on a pogo stick.

Here.

Why are you... Why
are you doing this?

Why won't you people
just leave me alone?

Because you're not being you.

I don't know who you
are, but it's not Kip.

Kippy... My name is Kip.

Kip... come on now.

(fake accent):
Come home, brother.

Throw the balloon.

No.

I might hit somebody
like Alan Alda,

and then everybody
would really hate me.

Oh, Kip.

Well... I guess it's
too late to tell you

I really did like you
just the way you were.

Well, that's all right.

But I didn't like me
the way I was, okay?

I... I don't wanna live my
life being a stupid kid. I want...

You know, and this
dressing up thing,

I think it's time we
got rid of that too.

I think we should let Buffy
and Hildegarde just disappear

and go get ourselves
a regular apartment

where we can be
regular human beings.

I wanna grow up. I
wanna be an adult.

Why?

Yeah, why? I mean,

what's so good about growing up?

Tsk. Come on, Kip,
we're all adults here.

But we're children too.

And that's the
joyful, free part of us.

Kip. Tsk.

Gosh.

Don't lose that kid part.

(sighs)

I'd miss it a lot.

And I'd miss Buffy too.

Look, if you grow up,
we all kind of have to.

You wanna shoulder
that kind of guilt?

Come on, Moochie...
be Peter Pan.

Hey!

Come on, everybody.

If you believe in
Kip, clap your hands.

It's just an idea, okay?

Will you people listen
to what you're saying?

You're... You're...
You're making it sound

like I've napalmed
Never-Never Land,

for crying out loud.

Am I really being that
much of a bummer on you?

A bummer?

Kip, you could depress
Donny and Marie.

Kip... I hold in my hand

2 quarts of fluid joy.

Throw it.

No, it's stupid.

ISABELLE: Ooh.

Yeah. Incredibly.

Foolish too.

Throw it.

I don't want to.

Tsk. Oh, come on.

Go for it. Throw it.

What is this, symbolic
or something?

A-A-A ritual of passing?

No. I could get in more trouble.

(sighs)

Probably.

But isn't being
a little bit of a nut

exactly what makes you you?

Come on, Kip, throw it.

ALL: Throw it.
Throw it. Throw it.

Throw it. Throw it. Throw it.

AMY: You rebel.
All right, hold it!

All right.

You people have
made your points.

I haven't become mature,
I've become boring.

And right now, a little
voice inside of me is saying...

bombs away!

(all cheering)

(kisses)

(thudding)

(all screaming, laughing)

That'll teach you,
you cheapskate!

No more short kraut!

Kip Wilson is back!
ISABELLE: Yeah!

Kip Wilson is back! Yeah!

And he demands
a pillow fight! Whoo!

Ooh! Pillow fight.

Don't...!

( upbeat theme playing)

Whoo!

Kip Wilson is back!

I can fly, I can fly.

(laughing, screaming)

( upbeat theme playing)

Okay. Here we go.

Uh, "Dear President Nixon.

"We're the two young
men who accidentally

"hit your car with
a water balloon.

"If that doesn't
narrow it down enough,

it was last week's
water balloon."

(laughing): You know?

Stop.

Okay. "While not on a par

"with your kitchen
debate with Khrushchev,

it certainly qualifies as
one of our six crises."

Maybe we should add the time

that we sunk the canoe in
the middle of Lake Cuyahoga.

I mean, that was
a crisis for us,

if that would add
a personal touch.

Forget it.

"We're genuinely sorry, sir,

and we regret any disturbance
we may have caused you."

I think that makes
it perfectly clear.

Oh, you didn't put that
in the letter, did you?

No, you moose.

Hi, guys. Hi.

Hey, don't you guys ever knock?

Sorry. Force of habit.

But I'm afraid I have
some bad news.

The surveillance
has been called off.

Aw! Whoo!

Ha-ha! All right!

Boy, that's good
news. ♪ Celebr... ♪

Ah. That's beautiful.
That's perfect.

Hey, maybe you can deliver
this letter of apology for us.

Yeah, and these
brownies we made.

Hm.

It's okay, Del,
they're straight.

Good Dr. Fritzly
will determine that.

Ah, yeah. Well, I
can deliver it to him

as soon as he
gets back from, uh,

marlin fishing with Bebe.

I'd like to hang around
with you and chat, but I...

I can't. I've been reassigned

to the... ballet dancer.

Fred, let's get our
equipment and go.

Equipment? Equipment?

It's all our equipment,
fel... What's in...

KIP: Aw.

They had microphones
scattered all ov...

We've been bugged.
For crying out loud.

"Testing, one, two,
three. (laughing)

Testing... "You've got it, pal.

(speaks indistinctly)

They bugged my pencils!

Let's get the restrooms.

You'd better check
your typewriter ribbon.

Who knows what else is...

Wait a minute.
Testing, one, two...

Hey, while you're up there,

you wanna get those
other bugs? Testing, one

two, three.

BOTH (gruff voice): Hello!

( upbeat jazz theme playing)