02x07 - All You Need Is Love

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bosom Buddies". Aired: November 27, 1980 –; March 27, 1982.*
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Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.
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02x07 - All You Need Is Love

Post by bunniefuu »

HENRY (voice-over): When
we moved to New York,

we had a great
apartment that was cheap.

KIP (voice-over):
And we found out why.

HENRY: Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building.

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these other ladies
know us as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know us

as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.

HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ooh... ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

Mmm. this is good.

Eh, it's breakfast.

Hi. No.

I was going to invite them
to join us for breakfast.

Ooh, bad idea, bad idea.

They're having the
big break-up talk.

You know, the one that begins,

"You know how we
always promised each other

we'd always be honest?"

You know how we always
promised each other

we'd always be honest?

Isn't it sad

when a beautiful relationship
becomes stagnant?

Stale? Yeah.

I hope that never happens to us.

Aw, Kip, you are so sweet.

Sonny, thanks for that opening.

Sonny, you and I
have a relationship

that is trusting,

caring, intelligent,
a-and I treasure that,

but a relationship
must continue to grow,

evolve.

Ah.

Ooh, yes, I do know this talk.

This is the "no more talk" talk.

You don't have to make it sound
so cheap and tawdry, Sonny.

Unless that's what you want.

I'm a flexible guy. No,
look, this is what we'll do.

We'll set a date,

we'll find the perfect
place and then, uh...

You ever seen
happier utensils, huh?

What do you think?

I think... Yes?

I think

that the spoon has
a terrible headache.

Ooh, Kip, I-I... I-I don't know.

I mean, the... The best
answer that I can give you is:

maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe when? Maybe where?
Maybe now? Maybe here?

You know, Jennifer,

the last th-three weeks
have been awfully special.

Oh, my God, here it comes:

El Dumpo.

Jennifer, I'm just saying a
g... A guy needs his space.

Oh, no.

Space talk?

Why? Well... (wheezing): Why?

Why?

Well, I just, uh...

Look, what we've had I'm
not... I'm not going to forget.

I think I'm gonna k*ll myself!

No more coffee for her.

I just have to know.

Is it another woman?

No. I promise you. It's nobody.

You're dumping me for nobody?

I let you b*at me at foosball.

Well, listen, Jennifer,
we're, you know...

We're both adults.
Can't we just be friends?

Just the other day we
were having the talk about...

About our relationship

growing and evolving!

I gave you the best
weeks of my life!

Weren't you happy with me?

You were great!

I mean, you met
every one of my needs.

MAN: Yeah?

Do you know why I
hang around with you?

'Cause you're so discreet.

At least this breakfast
is up for grabs, huh?

I used mine for visual aides.

You know,

I don't enjoy these things, Kip.

You may not, but the rest
of the restaurant loved it.

Smutmongers! What
am I supposed to do?

The relationship
wasn't going anywhere.

I mean, what am I gonna
do, ruin her life, huh?

(sighs) Gee,

I'd better check and
see if she's all right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

Just fine.

How are you?

Terrific.

So I hear some real
good things about you.

Hey, time heals all wounds.

That sucker closed
in less than a minute.

Come on, Kip.

She didn't get over anything.

Look at that guy. He's
a dead ringer for me.

How many fingers
am I holding up?

Hi, Sonny.

It's Kip.

Uh, Kip Wilson, ha, ha.

Yeah... No, no,

I had a very good reason for
having you paged in church.

I was wondering,

have you given any more thought

to the next level
of our relationship?

Inappropriate?

No, I don't think so.

Hello?

Must be ringing in the
sheaves or something.

(grunts, sniffs)

Henry, what are you doing?

Watchin' TV.

There is no TV.

I know, ever since they
took off Mary Tyler Moore.

Henry.

Henry, Hen... Aw, ya
ragweed, ya rag-picker,

ya rag.

This thing with Jennifer

has really thrown you
for a loop, hasn't it?

Aw, it's not just
Jennifer. It's my life.

You know, one long string
of empty vacuous affairs.

One purely physical
relationship after another.

Do you have any
idea what that's like?

No.

Hey, I mean, you and
Sonny have a warm, tender...

You know, a spiritual rela...

What are you, rubbing it in now?

You managed to transcend that...

That empty, sordid cesspool.

Oh, if I could
only join the g*ng

in that pool of cess.

I'm 24 years old.

Never once have I
really been in love.

You know, I'm beginning to
think there's gotta be something

terribly wrong with me.

There's something wrong
with the girls you go out with.

You're probably right.

I'm glad you finally
see it my way.

Mmm.

Here's what we do.

Let's get organized, huh?

(screechy voice):
That's the trick.

(normal voice): We'll
come up with a list

of all of the characteristics
that you're looking for

in the perfect woman. All right?

Let's, uh, start at the top.

Hair?

Yes.

More specific answer,
please. Oh, okay.

Uh... Uh, flaxen hair.

Flaxen hair.

What the hell is that anyway?

You know, you know,
it's... You know...

Looks like flax, you know.

Snow White had it.

All right.

All right now,
let's get physical.

You wanna start
with hand-holding?

I can't believe you said that!

I'm trying to help you out!

All right, come on.
I was foolin' around.

Let's do it. Heh,
so was I. All right.

What about the body?

Come on, Kip, you've
known me long enough.

You know that the physical
thing is not gonna be

the biggest concern in
the world to me. Okay?

As long as she's built.

All right.

(clears throat)

Got it. Okay, anything else?

Well, she should be tender,

non-competitive, you
know, a little smarter than me

so that she can
keep me on my toes.

Sort of a Madame
Curie with bowackas.

Exactly.

How do you spell bowackas?

Never mind, I'll just draw 'em.

Okay.

What else? All right.

She, uh... She doesn't chew gum.

I can't stand a girl who,
you know, pops her gum.

Me neither. What about...
What about the girls

who can't go to the
bathroom by themselves?

They always gotta...

What is the other
girl going along for?

What is she, a lookout
or what? I don't know.

Then there's the criers.

Like the criers, they
cry in Love Story

like they don't know
what's coming up.

Well... that was sad. I mean...

Ryan O'Neal getting into the bed

and she's got all the tubes
comin' out of her nose...

I'm all right.

Anything else?

She should also...

(mumbles)

(imitates mumbling)

What?

She should also
have two webbed toes.

'Kay.

Okay, great.

So I got my list.
Now, what do I do?

Send it to Santa Claus or, uh,

a guy in a pink
Caddy called Dr. Skin?

What?

Henry, this is the 1980s.

Better living
through technology.

Nice bowackas.

( light-hearted theme playing)

Hi. I'm, uh... I'm Henry
471. Catchy, huh?

Heh, I don't even get
to use my last name.

I get a number. Well, heh,

that's just the way it is.

Doesn't that say
a lot about today?

I mean, it's kind of cold
and impersonal here on...

On the screen.

Uh, I-I can't do
this. I can't do it.

You're doin' fine,
Just keep goin'.

Isn't this guy sensitive, huh?

Makes Alan Alda look like
Vlad the Impaler. Keep going.

I just don't want it to
seem as though I'm lookin'

just for a one-night
stand, you know?

Okay.

But if you are, I'm Kip 298.

We'll talk later.

See, I'm not a guy
who has, you know,

any trouble
getting dates really.

I just... I'm having trouble

finding the right woman

and, uh, maybe if
you came down here

and hated making these
tapes as much as I did,

maybe you're... You're the one.

I... I don't know.
Well... Uh, I gotta go.

Yeah, uh, this is
Henry 471 signing off.

Uh, stay tuned
for Fahrenheit 451,

Route 66 and Adam-12.

( chuckles)

That... That's
a... That's a wrap.

(clapping)

It's pathetic. It was pathetic.

No, you were great. I was great.

It was great. Very entertaining.

You forgot to mention the
two webbed toes though.

Damn.

Mr. Desmond,

don't you think you were
being a little hard on our system?

Well, uh...

Well, I-I just didn't want
to appear desperate.

Hmm. Then why are you here?

Well, heh-heh, I'm
here because, uh,

I'm... I'm looking
for, uh, a sensitive,

uh, trusting, caring,
uh, relationship with a...

A warm, intelligent woman.

Oh... that's so beautiful.

Will this be cash or charge?

Hello, my name is Betty 68.

I've had so many
disappointing relationships...

Oh yeah? Me, too.

And that's why I've decided
to embrace The New Celibacy.

Oh, my God.

So close and yet so far.

Hmm. What you
going to do now, Cisco?

Next.

Let's move on.

(clears throat)

Oh, are we on? Okay, for sure.

Hi, my name is, um...

Wait a minute, I knew
it when I got here.

It's on my prescription.

(groans)

I think we can pass
on that one, Henry.

Those kind of women are just
a dime-bag a dozen, you know?

KIP: Good thing she
brought along her purse.

There we go.

Man, this video
attracts a lonely, troubled

sort of woman.

Hello there.

I'm Ruth...

Holy cow!

I have a few things

that I'd like to say
to you gentlemen.

Are you sitting down?

( upbeat theme playing)

But, enough about
me. Really, I...

I am interested in
hearing your needs too.

Just as long as you remember
the part about no Formica.

Just don't forget that.

Now, I want you to
know absolutely that I...

I am not a pushover.

Really, there are social musts.

I must, for instance,
be picked up.

Um, no domestic autos, please.

I must be wined and dined.

No domestic wines,
no domestic cheeses.

Although, if we
eat at your house,

there must be domestic help.

( chuckles)

Um, I also want you to
know that despite my...

My obvious sophistication and...

And really stunning good
looks, I am approachable.

Really, I-I don't want
you to be afraid of me.

I'm certainly not
going to bite you.

Unless of course, you ask.

Well, there she is,
ladies and gentlemen.

Ruth Dunbar, a simple
hometown kind of girl,

if you live in the
Bizarro world.

This is awful.

I mean, this must be where
monks come to renew their faith.

Come on, let's go.
I've seen enough.

Let's get out of here.

All right, just relax
and be yourself.

And five, four,
three, two, action.

Um, hi.

My name is Cindy number 666.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

I hate these things, don't you?

Yes, I do. Is her hair flaxen?

Your guess is as good as mine.

This is all so cold
and impersonal,

but, heh, I guess I
might as well tell you

some things about myself.

Um, I'm a college graduate.

On the list. Think
she has webbed toes?

It's worth a sh*t. Hey,
take off your shoes.

Leave your clothes on.

I don't do those sort
of tapes anymore.

Um, should I go on?

Yeah, go on. Go
ahead. We're just kidding.

Okay.

Um, I enjoy literature.

Hey, great, yeah. I'm a writer.

Shh-shh-shh! Oh sorry, yeah.

You go ahead.
I'm a football fan.

You're kidding? Me too.

BOTH: Cleveland Browns.

Wow!

This is incredible.

I like walks in the
park on rainy Sundays.

Bingo. Me too.

Come on, walk with
me, talk with me.

Wait, People meeting
people in person.

That's... That's unnatural.

Bogart movies? Yes, yes, yes.

Wait, you know how
to whistle, don't you?

You just put your
lips together and blow.

(imitating Bogart):
Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Come on, let me buy you
some coffee. Come on.

You like coffee?

I love coffee. I love coffee.

Oh, me too. Do you
ever use cream in yours?

Sometimes.

Oh, wow!

All right, let's see
what we got here.

(clears throat)

"Niagara Falls,
honeymoon cottage,

heart-shaped bed."

Cliché.

KIP: Well, then,
let's go for adventure.

Colorado rapids...

Hey, Sonny, Kip, hi, you guys.

I want you to meet Cindy Lawson.

Hi. Hey, how are you?

I'm sorry it took us so long.

We, uh, decided to walk.

You know, it was a
little more romantic.

And that's what we're
all interested in, isn't it?

Isn't that right, candy-ears?

Mm-hm.

BOTH: Candy-ears.

Well, Henry has told me
so much about you two

that I feel like you're
good friends already.

Aw...

Well, I've heard a
lot about you too.

I mean, that is, the
tape that you made.

Well, let me tell you somethin'.

She juggles too.

Wasn't even on the
list. No, I'm not kidding.

Not clubs, but, you know.

Anyway, uh, I don't mind saying

that I, Henry 471, and Cindy 666

have already discussed
someday having little

fractions of our own.

(laughs)

You know, square
roots. That's it.

Yeah, we got it. We got it.

He's so sweet.

I know that it all
seems so sudden,

but everything has
been going so perfectly.

Yeah, yeah, I think
it's because of the list.

She has a list too.

KIP: Oh, son of a g*n.

We're working with cards.

HENRY: Those are good.

We'll move up to those later on.

So, uh, ahem,
Cindy, what, uh...?

What else do you do?

Oh, well, like Henry
said in his tape...

BOTH: "The usual stuff."

(laughter)

I like movies, books,
walks in the park,

I belong to a choral group

and I worship the devil.

That was on my list too.

Likes music.

I'm sorry...

You... You belong to a
choral group and what?

I worship Satan, you know,
Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness.

I can't wait for
Henry to meet him.

Oh, Cindy, I want to
meet all your friends.

Oh... Cindy
also... likes to ski.

So we're going up
to Vermont tomorrow,

take a little ride.

Mm-hm.

What the hell did she say?

Correct me i-if I'm...
If I'm wrong, you're a...

You're a daughter of Satan?

Ten years now.

Oh, she's kidding.

Sure, you're shocked now.

But believe me, in time...

you'll see it my way.

Now, come on,

let's bring him here right now.

Everybody put your
hands together...

(Kip and Sonny scream)

HENRY: That explains
the webbed toes.

(hisses)

( light rock theme playing)

So that was the
coffee shop, Reverend,

and this is the lobby.

Now, this is kind
of a free zone.

The ladies can
meet their dates here

and sit down and talk

but once they get
to those elevators,

there are no men allowed.

Marvelous, Isabelle.

It's so refreshing that
in this day and age,

a haven for young, decent
women can still exist.

And I'm sure it's due
to your firm supervision.

Well, sh... sh**t, heh-heh,

I try to keep everything
under control.

Won't you sit down? Thank you.

Will you just shut up?
You are driving me crazy!

All right, so you
weren't her type.

Not her type? Not her type!

She goes for a guy with hooves.

I've gotta be kidding myself,

thinking I'm gonna
find the perfect woman.

Even if I did, I
couldn't fall in love.

I probably can't fall in love.
I mean, it's not them, it's me.

And I've just gotta
get used to that.

Look, this is not the end
of the world, you know.

Don't you recognize
the conspiracy?

I mean, if you're not in love,

the world treats
you like an outcast.

I mean, there are love
songs, right? Love-ins, right?

Look, love thy
neighbor. Right, huh?

Baby, I'm a love machine.

♪ And I won't work
For nobody but you ♪

Lovebugs. There's a love potion.

There's... There's a...

♪ The Love Boat ♪
All right?

It's a world of couples.
The world loves couples.

It's a small world after all...

You are babbling
now. You are babbling.

Will you listen to yourself?
Look, it is not that bad.

At least you've been
getting a lot of action!

ISABELLE: Hey! Uh, hey.

I've got Reverend
Hutchinson here.

Oh, hi.

And I was reading last night
in the National Geographic,

look at this, "The
Secret Rites of the Incas."

I mean, look at what
the Inca do, hm?

Would, would you
look at the man's collar?

It's a nice collar. Also,
in Popular Mechanics,

"My Girl and Her Socket Wrench."

Huh?

Also, in Reader's Digest,
"Condensed Love."

Will it ever end?

Love, love, love stinks.

Oh, honey,

stop putting yourself
through so much pain.

I love you.

Uh, so, wanna see
the laundry room?

It's right this way.

I'm confused.

Yeah, well, just stay that way

'cause the explanation is worse.

I love you too. I do.

But it's just not
the same thing.

I want to have
children some day.

I'm willing.

Holy moly.

Hold it. Hold it.

You just said something
very important.

♪ And I won't work
For nobody... ♪

No.

You said you loved Amy, right?

That's right.

And I love you too.

Aw, sweet Marie. Let's go, Rev.

Hey, wait, wait,
ahem, I'm a hip guy.

We're nondenominational.

Go on.

Don't you see the point?

You are capable of love.

Probably more capable
than most people.

And you're certainly
capable of being loved.

Well, don't you see,
it's not the same.

It's not this romantic
kind of shovel-in-the-face

kind of miner's hat,
kind of baby-shrimp,

kind of Blue Lagoon,
kind of Endless Love

kind of love.

But don't you understand?

You can't create that.

I mean,

it's like us.

We've been discussing
moving our relationship

to a more physical level.

(nervous laugh)

Bad, bad day.

I'm goin' to hell.

Uh, honey, is this the
right time to discuss this?

Oh, sweetheart, it's relevant.

I mean, you've been trying
to structure a time and place

where we can be more intimate.

(gasping)

I feel the flames
lickin' at my feet.

Shush.

Well, you can't structure that.

I mean, if it's going to happen,

it will just happen.

That's the way love is.

You just gotta believe that...

it will happen.

When? When? When!

Never mind. We'll talk.

Don't you see what she's saying?

When you met me,

were you looking
for a best friend?

No, I was looking for frogs.

Well, you didn't find frogs.

You found me. You
found a best friend.

Now, you weren't working at it.

It just happened.

Yeah, stop looking so hard

and maybe you'll find someone.

So until then, I
just wait, right?

That's the way life is.

Well, I'll... I'll
just have to meet

as many people as I can and...

And try not to let my
expectations get in the way.

To quote a great
philosopher of our time,

"Someday, somewhere, somehow,

"someone may come
up to me and say

'Smile, you're in love'."

Hey, thanks, you guys.

He's crazy. Hey, come on, you.

Hey, hey, hey, look, look,

can you all just end
this conversation

without all hugging and
saying I love you again?

Come on, you guys, let
me buy you some coffee?

KIP: Oh, that'd be great.

Oh, say, listen, Reverend,

thank you so much
for being here.

You were quite a help,
quite an inspiration.

I-I don't mean to
seem out of touch,

but there are one or two
points I just don't understand.

Oh, right, well I can see how
this all would have seemed

pretty strange. Indeed.

Well, uh, let me put
your mind at ease.

There's nothing really
bizarre going on here,

it's all perfectly normal,
see, 'cause, uh, we're men.

(chuckles)

( upbeat theme playing)

( light rock theme playing)
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