02x09 - The Slightly Illustrated Man

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bosom Buddies". Aired: November 27, 1980 –; March 27, 1982.*
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Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.
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02x09 - The Slightly Illustrated Man

Post by bunniefuu »

HENRY (voice over): When
we moved to New York,

we had a great
apartment that was cheap.

KIP (voice over):
And we found out why.

HENRY: Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building...

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these
other ladies know us

as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know us

as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.

HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

Hey, what're you
guys still doing here?

Beer?

Yeah, I'd love a
beer. Thank you.

Oh, reindeer. All right,
there's Donner, there's Blitzen...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
There's Rudolph.

Hey, Lieutenant Uhura. Marconi.

You guys were supposed to
be outta here 15 minutes ago.

What gives?

Yeah, well, what are
you all dressed up for?

Uh, no reason.
Come on, out, out, out.

He's got a date tonight. A date?

Lies! Filthy lies!

Oh, baloney, I saw
you hitting on the girl

who comes around
with the sandwiches.

Oh, come on. I was
not hitting on the girl.

I was just being friendly.

You bought eight sandwiches.

I love pimento loaf.

Listen, Kip, your
secret is safe with us.

We won't say a word to Sonny.

You guys swear? Swear.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Debbie, good to see you.

(both laugh)

I'm a little early.

Oh, that's okay, that's okay.

I brought you some
extra pimento loaf.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Thank you.

Um, these kids
were just leaving.

Hey, I think we should go now.

Now? There is no snow.

I've got one of those too.

Thank you. It was
nice meeting you too.

When are you guys gonna
learn you can't communicate

with those things on?

What?

Good night.

What? What?

What? What?

Never mind! Good night!

BOTH: What?

Oh, fine. Don't
even say good night.

HENRY: What?

Well, heh, here we are.

Boy, you look great
without a hairnet.

Thanks.

Where are we going?

I thought that we would maybe,
uh, get some dinner downtown,

go out to a movie, say,
The Empire Strikes Back,

and, uh, then get some drinks.

Why don't we go to
my place and get crazy?

Okay.

I'll, uh, get my coat.

I got my coat. Heh.

Come here first.

Yes, ma'am.

(clears throat)

Hello.

(clears throat)

Who are you and how
did you get in here?

Kip, stop, please.

Is this a friend of yours, Kip?

Uh... Uh, Sonny, this is
Dr. Debbie Chesterfield.

Debbie is a
practicing herpetologist

studying the effects
of deadly snakes.

She stumbled into the office
with a venomous water moccasin

attached to her lip,
and I removed the reptile

and was just sucking the
venom out when you came in.

(spits)

I, uh, think you'll
be fine, doctor.

You're all alike.

Using me for my lunch meat.

(door closes)

Look, Kip, I just stopped
by to pick up my portfolio.

All right, Sonny,
you want the truth.

Okay, I'll give you the truth:

She was searching in
my mouth for cavities.

Yes, Sonny, that courageous
young woman is a blind dentist.

I believe you.

Oh, Sonny, don't believe
me. I'm lying. I'm sorry.

Oh... You're so good.

And I'm so bad.

Um, forgive me.

I'll never do it
again, ever, ever.

Kip, I don't care.

You don't? (scoffs)

We're free agents, babe.

We don't own each other.

Well, I-I thought we had
a lease with option to buy.

Hey, this is a
no-pressure relationship.

You can see other women.

(laughing): Yeah?

Yeah.

And I can see other men.

No!

Yes.

Kip, it's better this way.

And listen, don't worry.

Seeing you with that girl

does not affect our
relationship at all.

Oh, you promise?

Positive.

Thanks.

Good night.

(door closes)

( upbeat theme playing)

Excuse me.

Hello.

Hi, Kip.

Kip, this is Tim.

Tim, Kip.

Mm-hm. Hello.

Mm-hm.

You got a problem?

I got no problem.

What makes you
think I got a problem?

And if I did have a problem,
it'd be my problem, okay?

Okay.

No problem.

(bangs counter) Double scotch.

What are you doing?

I don't know, but I
know what I'm doing.

Look, Kip, I don't want
a fight in this hotel.

Do you hear me? Kip!

Too late. He's
gone to Macholand.

Hey, Timmy.

Let me buy you a drink.

I can buy my own drinks.

Hey, you can both buy
me a drink. How's that?

Yes?

No?

Why do I feel like
Helen of Troy?

Hey, Timmy, I said,
could I buy you a drink?

I got a drink.

What're you drinking?

White wine.

Scotch!

I'm tearing this guy to ribbons.

Kip, when was the last
time you were in a fight?

I don't know. Sixth
grade, I guess.

And weren't you beaten up?

Well, yeah.

Didn't Charlene
Mathews b*at you up?

Well, sort of.

Wasn't she in the fourth grade?

I think so.

Didn't she have a wooden leg?

Well, actually it was
sort of fiberglass. Uh...

Are you getting my point?

Yeah, get me outta here.

This is from the
gentleman at that table.

(snickers)

Ooh.

You're not gonna take that.

Thank you, Alexander Haig.

Maybe you'd
like to lick that up.

(imitating Rocky Balboa):
Maybe you'd like to make me.

Maybe I would.

Well, then maybe you'll try.

Maybe I will. Then
maybe you'll take a sh*t.

(imitating Rocky Balboa): So
why are they talking like that, huh?

Look, I am not gonna
sit here and watch this

for more than another
10 or 15 minutes, okay?

So go ahead, take a sh*t.

You take a sh*t.
No, you take a sh*t.

Hey, I'll have a sh*t.

Boy, white people
sure fight boring.

You ready to go?

(in falsetto tone): I'm ready.

Okay, Timmy, let's go.

(in normal tone): Hey,
what about our jackets?

That's a good idea. Thanks.

Help me!

All right. I don't think
he wants to fight either.

Here's what we do: you
make your move and say "now."

I'll grab you and hold you back.

That way everybody gets
out with their pride intact.

That's a good idea.

Peace with honor.
Thanks, Tricky.

I can't watch this.

Henry, darling, will you
help me with this, please?

Sure. KIP: Now!

Now!

Pardon? Now, what...?

Oh! Ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ah!

(Kip grunts)

Oh!

Oh!

(groans)

I taste floor.

Come on, Sonny.

You know, I really
can't believe you two.

You're just two
stupid little boys.

But I won!

Hey, you okay?

Uh... no.

You know, I'm very,
very disappointed in you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Me too.

Here's your five bucks, Izzy.

( upbeat theme playing)

(groaning)

Here, put these on.

Ah.

(screams)

(groaning)

Honey, it's a lesson you
learn when you're 5 years old.

Everything stings.

No more medicine!

(moans)

What am I gonna
do about this eye?

I'll get you something.

You know what the problem is?

Our problem is these post-1970s
relationships, you know that?

Tell me about it.

Nobody wants to commit.

Nobody wants to take
emotional responsibility.

I do. I want that with Henry.

Ah. I want that with Sonny.

You don't have any steak.

Well, bring me any entrée.

You know, I'm not
a promiscuous guy.

I mean, this is the first
time I've been out with a girl

since I've been seeing Sonny.

Here, put this on your eye.

It's a dead crab.

I know.

(laughs)

Hey, wait, wait.

You know, maybe...

Maybe they just don't know

the level of our
commitment, you know?

I mean, maybe we've got
to show them something...

permanent.

That's it!

( mellow theme playing)

What can I do for you?

Well, we're here for tattoos.

Hey, what am I, a moron?

I think you're here
for counseling?

Here, let me take a look at ya.

Yes, yes, you want, uh...

You want something
hip, yet tasteful.

How about a snake on your face?

(chuckles)

No, thanks. ARTIST: Oh.

She might be interested
though. (chuckling)

What I want is a
little tiny butterfly,

and a little tiny
flower that says:

"I love you, Henry." Huh.

What are you, a Muppet?

Look, a healthy girl
like you, I could...

I could put an aircraft
carrier across your chest.

You could play
Midway in the bathtub.

Well, my ducky
is getting boring.

(guffaws)

How about you, kid, huh?

"Love" across one hand,
"hate" across the other?

And on your back an
eagle carrying a dead pig.

Wow. Heh.

As tempting as that sounds, heh,

I was thinking more
of, like, on my back,

a little heart that
says "Sonny" in it.

Hm. Subtle, yet it
makes a statement.

I like it.

Let's do it.

Okay. I don't know
about this, Kip.

I mean, I don't know
if I'm the tattoo type.

Lady, you'd be surprised

at the people who
come in to get tattoos.

RUTH: Thank you, Ernesto.

You're right in the spirit
of the postimpressionists.

Hello.

(both laughing)

All right.

All right.

Yes, all right, I am not blind
to the humor in this situation.

Ruth, did you get the battleship
or the eagle with the dead pig?

(both laughing hysterically)

All right, not that you
deserve any explanation at all,

I will nonetheless give you one.

Oh, goodie, a story.
RUTH: Oh, God.

Thank you.

When I was a
girl... Ow, ooh, ooh.

Oh, my girls. Never mind.

When I was a very young
girl I was insanely in love

with a Spaniard in
the merchant marines.

Uh, I was in the
merchant marine.

(chuckles)

Thank you, Popeye. I'm speaking.

Anyway, to seal our love, we...

We decided to have each others'
names emblazoned across our...

Our...

(sighs)

It seemed like a
good place at the time.

In any case, of course, we
never saw each other again,

but I have been obliged
ever since to think of myself

as the Spanish
lieutenant's woman.

That was a beautiful story.

It's a beautiful
story, Ruth. (sniffling)

Make a great Golden Book.

Doesn't really explain to
us why you're here though.

Because I am finally having
the name covered over.

Turned into flowers
and vines and such.

Ah-ha-ha!

Well, everybody has a little,
uh, garden in their backyard.

Kip...

when you talk about
this, and you will, be kind.

Yes?

(sniffling): The sailor.
What was his name?

(scoffs)

Carlos... de la
Vega... Pizzaro...

Rodriguez...
Gonzalez... Manuelo...

de la Cruz.

Oh, and I was
chicken to get Henry.

Good night, children.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

(door closes)

Okay, ready to go.

Yes. Yeah, let's...

Ooh, hey, pard,
does this hurt at all?

(gasping): Just a little bit.

You first. You first.

All right, butch,
come on. You're up.

Butterfly's on deck.

Step this way.

Attaboy, get right in the seat.

Let's do it. Heh. That's right.

Let's go. Heh, heh. Thank you.

Heh, heh. Heh, heh. Okay.

Hey.

(all chuckling)

Lift up your shirt.

(imitates motorcycle)
Don't fall off.

(both laugh)

Okay.

All right. Be gentle now. Ha!

(screams)

No, stop. Stop it. No.

No.

It's a felt-tip pen.

All I have to do
is draw it in first.

It's cold. Oh, yeah. Yes.

You want commitment.

I'll show 'em commit...
(needle buzzing)

Where's that noise?

Did I do something?
It's the needle.

Oh.

Wow, I don't feel a thing.

Well, that's because
he hasn't started yet.

(screams)

(both scream)

(both scream)

Morning, kids,

and aren't they a
cute couple, huh?

Oh.

Sonny.

Morning.

I, uh... I wanna
show you something.

What?

Well, can't you see it? Look.

Well, son of a g*n.

You have a little blue mole.

No, it's a love dot.

I got a tattoo.

I got it for us.

Oh.

I'll treasure it always.

(chuckles)

"I'll treasure it always."

Amy got a battleship
for you, Henry.

Go ahead, show him.

Oh, yeah, I chickened out.

But I'll get ya a
love dot if you want.

Why are you guys
getting tattooed?

Are you joining the Navy?

No, we did it for you guys.

I mean, we were
trying to show you

we were willing to
have a commitment.

You obviously aren't.

Amy, I don't recall ever
promising you anything,

or leading you on about us.

That's because you
don't care about me.

I don't care?

I got you up here last night.

I spent an hour
with you in the john

while you hugged
the white wishing well.

Selling Bu-icks.
Talking to Ralph Yo-rk.

No, it's not a pretty story.

I cleaned you up, I
brushed your teeth,

I got you in here
and put you to bed.

I mean, I care.

Really? Really.

Then would you get
me out of this bed,

because Kip smells awful.

Sure. Come on.
I'll take you home.

It's a nice tattoo, butch.

Don't see work
like that anymore.

Well, I should go too.

No. Wait.

Wait. Uh, Sonny,
there's something I, uh...

There's something
I wanted to ask you.

(coughs)

Um.

Sonny, were you, uh...?

Were you mad at me when
you saw me with that other girl?

No.

Yes.

I knew it. I knew it.

Son... Sonny, I didn't
wanna see you hurt.

It's just that I didn't know
where you and I were going,

you know?

So I... I thought I should.

Why'd you see Tim?

Well, after what you
did, I thought I should.

Why did you try to b*at him up?

Well, I thought I should.

Well, you shouldn't.

Well, I didn't.

Sonny, I'm ready.

I'm ready to commit to you
and forget everybody else.

What do you say?

Just jump right in.

Just jump right in any time.
Okay, all right, heh-heh.

All right, I don't
like it, but... all right.

But just remember that
it hurts, and it hurts a lot,

because I am ready for those

"you and you
alone" kind of words.

I am... I'm ready.

Oh, Kip.

I am so sorry.

Now, now, don't
be sorry, heh, heh.

Kip Wilson didn't just fall
off the turnip truck, you know?

He's not the new kid in town.

He can handle it.

Ahem, but just be ready,

'cause I'll always
be here, Sonny,

because I happen to think
that there are some things

in this world that
are worth waiting for.

By the way, I really
like your tattoo.

I'm very flattered.

You really like it?

You don't think it's too flashy?

Are you kidding?

It's perfect. And you
endured that for me?

Mm.

What a man.

She's right, you know.

(screams)

( upbeat theme playing)

( comedic theme playing)
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