02x10 - Two Percent Solution

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bosom Buddies". Aired: November 27, 1980 –; March 27, 1982.*
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Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.
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02x10 - Two Percent Solution

Post by bunniefuu »

HENRY (voice over): When
we moved to New York,

we had a great
apartment that was cheap.

KIP (voice over):
And we found out why.

HENRY: Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building...

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these
other ladies know us

as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know us

as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.

HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohh ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

Okey-dokey,
Henry-inski, this is a take.

And five, four, three, two...

Hi. You probably recognize
me from the fish-sticks box.

Question:

has this ever happened to you?

Of course it
hasn't. It's stupid.

But don't worry, my
feet'll still stay drier

than a Noel Coward play.

And why?

Because I'll be
wearing Le Galosh,

the new designer rubbers
from Ed's House of Wetness.

(Kip singing loudly)

Hold everything!

Hold everything!

Hold everything!

Amy, don't take me so literally.

Kip, we're in the middle
of a take. Forget the take!

Forget the commercial!

Forget Ed's House of Wetness!

I have brought home with me

the account for Metzger's
Department Store in Brooklyn!

AMY AND HENRY: No!

Yes! Four spots a month!

AMY AND HENRY: No!

Yes! Four-figure budget!

AMY AND HENRY: Yes!

Yes! Yes?

Yes! Yes!

Everybody in the
pool! Cannonball!

ALL (chanting): We're rich!

We're rich! We're rich!

Marco.

Polo. Polo.

Marco. Polo.

Marco.

Polo.

Good morning, children.

There was a call for me, yes?

ALL: No!

The hell with it!
I'm gonna call them.

Ooh! Oh!

(buzzing)

Just freeze. Everybody
just... Just freeze.

No. No, wait.

I mustn't cave in.

Oh, I love contract
negotiations.

You work for a
company for 15 years.

What do they do?
s*ab you in the back.

They learned that from me.

Ruth, could you please
just unplug this lamp?

Or else we're gonna fry.

Why is it no one ever thinks
about my problems around here?

Why? (phone rings)

Be for me.

Hello.

Speaking.

Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes. What's the offer?

All right. I've got a plan.

Now, very slowly,
Amy, begin to drink.

Well, you must be insane

if you think I'd accept
an offer like that.

What? Why?
Because it's ludicrous!

Well... Ha, ha, ha!

Well, fine, I will.

Oh, you don't
believe me, do you?

Read my lips:

I quit.

Now what do you have to say?

Hello?

Hello?

Ooh! Heh-heh.

Well, how very amusing.

I seem to have just quit
Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin.

Well, that means that I can
devote myself here full time.

Well, we're going to be
together just like the old days.

Oh, boys, I'm all yours.

Drop the lamp.

( upbeat theme playing)

RUTH: Oh, you are the best!

Oh! Oh, that's fabulous!

Whew! Oh, Sven,
you crazy Viking!

Relax your neck.

(grunts)

Ruth, would you and
Bjorn mind doing that

in the privacy of your own home?

We're trying to
rehearse a commercial.

Well, uh, I am part
of this organization.

Use me.

I crave work.

What would you like me to do?

I would like you
to relax your tushy.

There you go, Ruth.

That's your project for the day.

Oh, Amy darling,
could you please

run some hot water
on these towels?

I want them steaming hot.

Ruth, I'm not your servant.

Oh, oh, very well, darling.

Take two dollars from my purse.

Ruth, I'm a partner here.

I own 2 percent of this
business, you know.

Fine. I respect that.

Darling, could
you get me a refill?

KIP: All right.

Metzger's Department
Store. This is just a rehearsal.

We're gonna count it down
for five, four, three, two...

Action!

I have a problem.

You see, half of me
wants to go into Manhattan

because that's where
the high fashion is.

Speak on, lovely blond person.

But then again,

the other half of me
wants to stay in Brooklyn,

because Metzger's of
Brooklyn is so convenient.

Correct you are.

Ed, not only lovely,
but bright too.

(goofy chuckling)

Now, what is a girl
supposed to do, huh?

What a paradox.

Hm, seems like there's
only one solution.

(humming circus music)

BOTH: Hey!

(humming circus music)

BOTH: Hey!

(drumroll)

BOTH: Ta-da!

Hey! Hey!

(humming circus music)

Hey! Hey!

Ta-da! Ta-da!

And there you are!

And there you are!

(laughs)

So put a little of
Metzger's magic in your life.

Remember Metzger's
is conveniently located

with a brand-new
high fashion line.

That's Metzger's!

It's two.

Two.

Two stores in one.

So come on down to
Metzger's this week.

And remember,
everything at Metzger's is...

half off.

Ta-da! Ta-da!

BOTH: Hey!

Yay! Fab-u-lous! Fabulous!

It's mostly his. Yeah, well...

It's mostly his.
Thank you, Ruth.

It was kind of a concept
thing we worked out.

Oh! Oh, no, darling. The
commercial is dreadful.

And we will not be doing it.

(laughing): What's
Sven is doing is fabulous.

May the bird of paradise leave
a surprise in your underwear.

Hey, guys!

It's really hot in here.

And my feet itch too.
HENRY: So scratch 'em.

Ruth, you know, this happens
to be a very clever idea.

Yes, agreed.

It's also absolutely dead
wrong for the account.

Sven, take a break.

Hey, I need a break.

Look, just give me half a
second, all right, Sonny?

Ruth, we got this gig
because our ideas are fresh.

We are the best
and the brightest.

We're the whiz kids.

Come on, Ruth, you...

You've had your day in the sun.

Enjoy your rest in the shade.

Why, you smart-alecky young pup.

Pretentious egomaniac.

Cocky little twit!

Chicken hawk!

Mop head!

Old.

Short!

Old again!

You ungrateful
juvenile delinquents!

If it weren't for me,
you'd be out on the street.

Out on the street?

What a bold idea.

(humming circus music)

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

ALL: Hey!

I'm not clothed!

Well, everyone in New
York will recognize you.

Hey, guys!

( mellow theme playing)

What's she doing here?

Maybe she ran out of
Kama Sutra body oil, huh?

Remember, act like ladies.
Yeah, right, right, right.

(clears throat)

Ruth, isn't there
something you'd like to...?

Oh, Hildy!

Buffy, Buffy. Oh,
thank you both.

You... Oh, my boys!

Girls. Girls.

Girls, girls. Girls, girls.

Isabelle, um, just what is it

you are thanking us for?

The Metzger Woman!
I'm her. She's me.

We're we! Ooh-wee!

Say what? Say what?

You've made her so
happy. ISABELLE: Yes!

Yes, you have.

You two are so wonderful.

I just don't know how
I'm gonna thank you.

Oh, wait.

Here.

Isabelle, they're beautiful.

These'll go so well
with my black strapless.

Would you knock it off?

And... this is for you.

There!

Now, I think that
makes us even, right?

Oh, I'm so excited!

Bye!

What "even"? This is my hat.

Ruth, while you
were hiring Isabelle,

did you ever once give
any thought to Sonny?

The woman we originally hired.

Darling, I thought Sonny
was wonderful today.

She's beautiful.

It's just that she's
wrong for the account.

She's very California casual

and we must have
New York, New York.

Now, don't worry. We'll
pay her for her work.

By the by, I think
she'd be excellent

for Ed's House of Wetness.

Well, you've got no
argument from me there.

All right, Ruth,
don't skirt the issue.

You had no right giving
that job to Isabelle.

I had every right.

Besides which, what do you think

you two know about
women's high fashion clothing?

For heaven's sakes,

you look like a couple
of homecoming queens

from Drag U.

Well, you can insult me.

You can insult my friend.

But you can't
insult my wardrobe.

She can't insult my
wardrobe, can she?

You just make me
want to... (hisses)

He's right. Uh, she's
right... Uh, that's right.

Look, I refuse to
debate this any longer.

Isabelle is the new
Metzger Woman,

and that is final.

Sonny is the new Metzger Woman,

and that is final.

Isabelle. KIP: Sonny!

Isabelle! HENRY:
All right, all right.

Look, you've got 49
percent, we've got 49 percent.

I think we're looking
at a Mexican standoff.

Un momento, amigos.

I believe that makes
my dos percentos

into el grande enchilada.

Amy, you...

You wouldn't take advantage
of a thing like that, would you?

And you thought
Montezuma had revenge.

(laughs)

( upbeat theme playing)

( mellow theme playing)

(indistinct chattering)

May I have your order?

Uh, yeah, uh...

You know, the red snapper
is excellent here, Amy.

I think you'd
love it. Definitely.

I've gotta go with Kip.

That's the perfect
choice for tonight.

I'll have the veal parmigiana.

Make that three.

You know, ahem, Amy,

this is about a
lot more than just

who's going to be
the Metzger Woman.

This is a very
bitter power struggle

to see who's going to
control our company,

60 Seconds Street.

Now, I'm positive that
you will side with us,

your dearest and
closest friends.

Ruth just bought me this watch.

You are eroding my confidence.

I was kinda hoping
for a Longines.

You know, Amy,

I wanna be as professional
as possible about this.

Now, I mean, I could take
you out to dinner, or you know,

maybe a Broadway show...

And don't forget the 21
Club afterwards for drinks.

Heh. Thank you. Heh.

Hey, butt out,
Spinoza, will you?

Amy, this is not a
joke. This is business.

I mean, how do you
think a large corporation

would handle this?

They'd get me a girl.

Hey, you busy tonight?

You wanna go out to a show?

My friend needs a
date. AMY: Stop it.

I think she wants you. Stop it.

Oh, how sweet.

You're wearing that cameo

I just bought you very recently

with my own money.

Awww. Doesn't it go
great with this dress

Kip and Henry bought me?

That cheap knockoff?

I can do much better
for you than that.

(clears throat)

You know, Ruth... Hm.

All of this is making
me very tense.

I need my back rubbed.

Magic! You shall have Sven.

No, I mean now.

Oh.

Oh, well... (laughing
nervously): Uh...

Thank you. Heh.

(clears throat)

If you insist. I insist.

Oh, well... All about Amy.

You know, uh, Amy,

you and I have
never been very close.

Well, Ruth, that's
because you berate me

and you abuse me and
you treat me like dirt.

Whatever the reason...

Amy, you must vote with me.

Your 2 percent is essential.

I must have it. Ahem.

I want it.

I need it.

I demand it.

Oh, my God, what am I doing?

You're begging.

Yes, and let me continue.

Please, Amy. Please,
please, please.

I like the way you do business.

(giggles)

Thank you, Mario. Ha, ha.

You know, Ruth,
it... It is so funny,

but when I get tense like this,

my toes go into
little tiny knots.

Your toes...

Well, nobody ever
promised me a rose garden.

Okay, I vote 2 percent.

One percent for Izzy
and 1 percent for Sonny.

(scoffs)

Sven, snap her neck.

No, Sven! Wait a minute!

Come on!

They're both friends of mine,

and you're all friends of mine.

And... And you can buy me dinner

and jewelry and clothes
till the cows come home,

but that is not gonna make me
choose one friend over another.

Look, you guys are
the big sh*ts here.

You make the decision.

Oh, and by the way, the
bribes are not refundable.

Oh, fine.

Now what?

Ruth, we appreciate, you
know, what you're trying to do.

I mean, you've always been
so helpful in the past, you know.

But Kip and I, you know, we...

We run this pretty
well all by ourselves.

You know, I mean, I don't
wanna brag, but we're, uh...

We're awfully good.

You know, we're...
We're the future.

Oh.

And I'm the past?

(laughs)

I feel sort of like
a Nehru jacket.

KIP: Well...

Ruth, we don't exactly
mean it that way.

I'm sorry, Ruth.
It... It's, uh...

No, no, no, no.

Please, please. Come on.

No apologies.

I... Oh, Sven, thank you.

That's very sensitive.

No, I see very clearly.

Here you are, Ruth.

Here's your gold watch

commemorating 25
hour" devoted service.

If you don't mind,
I think I'll just...

pass on making a speech.

(humming circus music over TV)

KIP AND HENRY: Hey!

(humming circus music)

Don't mind me, I'm just
here to collect my things.

(drumroll)

(humming circus music)

(giggles)

(Amy sighs)

KIP: Metzger's.

The store that's
two stores in one.

(laughing)

That's two, two, two.
Two stores in one. Ha, ha.

Mr. Metzger?

I think he's dead.

My heart is not pounding.

Told ya.

When I see a spot that sells,

my heart starts
b*ating, b*ating, b*ating,

and the veins in my head
come out and I almost pass out!

(groans)

Well, this ad just
needs a little polish,

and, hell, it'll
probably k*ll you.

Sorry, boys, no sell.

And quite frankly, uh...

you just don't have
enough experience.

I'm sorry, I just
don't... Experience?

KIP: Well, now,
wait! No experience.

You haven't met
the experienced part.

That's the thing. This is Ruth
Dunbar, a seasoned veteran.

Our silent partner, 20
years in the ad game.

Hello. Ruth is gonna take over

the second half
of the presentation.

The, uh, veins in the head part.

You are gonna take over,
aren't...? Aren't you, Ruth?

Well, you know, the boys
here are really the whiz kids.

No, no, no. We're
not whiz anything.

We're not even Cheese Whiz.

You are in my book.

Mr. Metzger... uh, Wally, is it?

Wally, yes. Wally.

Have a seat, won't you?

What the boys have done,
Wally, is they've put together

a sample commercial
which we have been using

as a research tool.

A research tool?

Oh yes, it's... It's
the newest approach.

And we have come up
with some simply stunning

demographic analysis statistics.

Would you show him
those DNR reports?

Absolutely
fascinating, aren't they?

Now, what we've discovered is,

we have tested literally
hundreds of models

and 43 percent of our PLT
group has selected this woman.

This is Isabelle Hammond. Oh!

She's one of the
new Metzger women.

You mean there's
more Metzger women?

Oh, yes. Heh, heh, heh, heh.

You see, what the
commercial proved

was that Miss Sonny
Lumet, the blond woman,

tested extremely
well Oh! Heh, heh.

In the 18 to
25-year-old LNG group.

Would you please, uh,

get together the LNG
figures for him there?

METZGER: That's
okay. That's okay.

You see, what we found
out with this research is,

is that one woman
could never possibly

do justice to Metzger's.

Wally, you simply must face it:

you need two women.

Two women?

(chuckling): Now
my heart is pounding!

Wally, I'd like it if you'd
take these pictures with you.

Oh, yes, thank you. Yes.

Come along.

Ah, this is the big time, Wally.

Today Brooklyn, tomorrow
the Bronx and Queens!

Really, I can't tell you
much more about it

because, frankly, Wally,

I'm beginning to
worry for your life.

Ha, ha, ha. Tell me something.

Do you love it?

I love it! Oh, yes! Oh, good!

Look at those veins
popping out on your forehead.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're starting to look
like a subway map.

Wally, we'll be
seeing you real soon.

Yes, yes.

Ta-ta! Take care.

Take this man
directly to a hospital.

Ruth, I am so impressed.

Now, tell me, how did you
know all those facts and figures?

Oh, ufft, I made 'em up.

What does he know?

He owns a third-rate
department store in Brooklyn.

What's the matter with you?

We just got that account back.

No, we didn't get
the account back.

We didn't get anything.

You just bailed us out.

Well, for heaven's sakes.

I mean, you could've done that.

Yeah, but we didn't.

Darlings, all I did was
sling the horse manure.

I mean, it's sometimes
necessary in a pinch,

but it's hardly a talent

I would encourage
you to acquire.

I mean, not when you
have so many finer talents.

She has a very good point there.

Look, we're partners,

and when we need each other,

we help each other.

It's really fairly simple.

Oh, look at the mess
we've made of all of our files.

Yeah, I'll... I'll do it.

I don't know how
you've got this organized.

You know, uh,
Ruth, maybe we were

a little trigger-happy
with you, you know.

Maybe, uh...

Maybe you can, uh, stick around.

Are you asking me to stay?

Oh, yes. Yes, we are. Heh.

We are asking you to stay.

I really find this
very touching.

But tough beans, I gotta go.

Ruth, we were having
such a caring moment.

Uh, we were like the
Waltons there for a second.

(laughs)

Those are the breaks, kid.

Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin

came up with an
extra ten thou today.

I mean, I am out of here.

But... But Ruth, I thought
we all needed each other.

Well, we do, darling.

In fact, in a... In a
funny kind of way

I really need you now
more than anyone.

Really?

Yes, really. (gasps)

Darling, would you take these
boxes and hail me a cab, please?

Oh wait, hold on
just one minute.

Does anybody have
change for a five?

Do you have change for a five?

Oh, all right, you just
take the whole thing.

KIP: All right, let's get going.

I want my Rolodex.
All right, all right.

Wait!

( upbeat theme playing)

All right, I'll prove
it to you. I'll prove it.

I can't believe you're being
such a baby about this.

All right, spin me
around. Spin, spin, spin.

Spin, spin, spin.

(humming circus music)

Ow!

Hey! Hey!

(grunts) (women laugh)

Now, that is really
a strange sensation.

See, now I am perfectly fine.

I feel wonderful.
So there you have it.

Okay, put me back
together, please.

Not so fast, half-wit.

Oh, I think it's a
really good time

that we discuss upping
our salaries, Kipper.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Very funny. No way.

Tough zucchini, Houdini.

Now put me back together.

Well, Kip, I guess we'll just

have to go our separate ways.

Whoo!

Wait, wait, wait. Sonny... What?

Are you sure you
have the half you want?

(scoffs)

Come on, Izzy, let's
go get some lunch.

You go it. Wait...
Wait a minute.

You guys, what about me?

Come on. (laughs)

What about you?

Well, my darling, you're
going to have a luau.

Oh, now... Oh!

(mumbling)

Puh! Funny!

All right. Right. Alakazam!

Wow, I need some new shoes.

( upbeat jazz theme playing)
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