02x12 - The Grandfather

[bunniefuu]

HENRY (voice over): When
we moved to New York,

we had a great
apartment that was cheap.

KIP (voice over):
And we found out why.

HENRY: Our friend Amy said

there was a great
apartment in her building...

KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.

Okay, we made one adjustment.

HENRY: Now these other ladies
know us as Buffy and Hildegarde.

KIP: But they also know us

as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.

I am, uh, crazy
about the blonde, heh.

HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.

KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.

(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)

♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪

♪ That gig Has got potential ♪

♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪

♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪

♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪

♪ Don't try To shake me ♪

♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with me ♪

♪ I'm stickin' around ♪

♪ You're stuck with ♪

♪ Oh, ohh... ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪

♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ You can tell me to go away ♪

♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪

♪ It ain't any use ♪

♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

Okay, we're all set.
You're gonna love this.

You'll love this. He'll love it.

Okay. Ahem. Go.

KIP: I'm not going to.

Kip Amos Wilson, you
get out here this instant.

I want you to know I
have a B.A. in poli sci.

Mr. Astor... we
give you the bird.

(flatly): Brrr.

Hi, there. I'm Peter Penguin.

No. Cut. Cut. Cut.
He's not in character.

It's a concentration
thing. Excuse us.

(whispering indistinctly)

All right!

I think we're ready now.

Brrr, ha-ha-ha! Hi, there. Heh.

I'm Peter Penguin and, uh,
ha-ha-ha, I was born in a tux.

Heh! But not you.

You were born nude, ha-ha-ha!

And some of you out
there in TV land still are.

Hee-hee-hee! Yeah,
penguin humor.

Listen, if you go out to a prom
or a wedding or a bar mitzvah

in the buff,

people are gonna point
at you and laugh. Hee-hee!

That's why you should
go to Tops n' Tails.

Tops n' Tails Formalwear,
where we're tops in tails.

Great. Great.

Great, huh? What a penguin, huh?

I came this close to
throwing you smelt.

I was good?

It had everything, comedy,
drama. I was really?

The concept, it, um... stinks.

Yes.

No. No, let me, uh...
Let me rephrase that.

It stinks big. No.

No, no, it doesn't stink.

You stink. Yes, you stink.

Excuse me.

You do that again,

we're gonna get
Greenpeace after you.

Out of my office. Out!

Go on, let's go.

Wait a minute.
This is our office.

Oh.

In that case, I'll leave.

You really do stink.

(door opens)

How about a cockatoo
dressed in a morning suit?

Oh, what size
cockatoo do you wear?

Oh, shut up, Amy.
This isn't funny.

We haven't landed an
account in over three weeks.

(clears throat)

Thirty-eight regular.

(horn honking, tires squealing)

Oh, my God.

(gasps)

(Henry panting)

Out of my way.

Holy cow. Hen...
Henry, what happened?

Wow. You saved my life.

Just like on CHiPs.

Here, sit down, rest, rest.
Henry, what happened?

I... That car, this little girl,

I pushed her out of the
way, carried... I saved her life.

It was just like on CHiPs.

MAN: Erica, Erica.

Erica. Oh, thank
God you're all right.

Grandfather. Grandfather.

Oh! This is just like Heidi.

What you need is a teeny-weeny
glass of juicey-wuicey.

No, thanks.

I'd rather have a lawyer.

Yeah.

Kids grow up so fast these days.

I'd like some,
uh, juicey-wuicey.

Are you a friend of Big Bird?

No, kid, I'm a penguin
that ate nuclear waste.

That's a great line.

Erica, you respect your elders.

My name is Pardo, Elliot Pardo.

Ahem. Mr. Pardo, our hero's
name is Henry Desmond. Ha-ha!

I'm Amy Cassidy and, uh...

playing the part of the
penguin is Kip Wilson.

I can't thank you enough for
saving my granddaughter's life.

Oh, it's nothing. Uh,
Lassie did it every week.

I know.

Is there anything
at all I can do

to show you my gratitude?

You could get us

the Tops n' Tails
Formalwear account back.

KIP: I rented the
suit till Thursday.

Aw, he's just
kidding. I mean... Heh.

Don't really need anything.
Maybe fresher juicey-wuicey.

Henry, I want you to know
you made yourself a friend...

for life.

Erica, it's time to go.

Say "Thank you,
Mr. Desmond, for saving my life."

Thank you, Mr. Desmond,
for saving my life.

Mmmm.

Bye, Amy. Bye, Mr. Penguin.

Too bad they took
off The Gong Show.

( upbeat theme playing)

Well, it certainly doesn't
take David Stockman to see

that our company
is well and truly

planted in la toilette.

Thank you, Ruth. It doesn't
sound half as bad in French.

What is this? We lost
the tuxedo account?

Mr. Astor did not like my
Fred Astaire campaign?

No. We had enough trouble

getting him in the penguin suit,

he didn't fit in the
Ginger Rogers dress.

I get enough of
that at home, okay?

We had what seemed like a
brilliant concept at the time.

But upon reflection resulted
in our biting the big chilidog.

I guess we'll just
have to find ways

of, uh, tightening
our belts around here.

Let's fire Amy.

We can't fire Amy.

Why not?

Because she's a
partner and she's a friend,

and who else would
work for minimum wage?

(knock on door)

BOTH (falsetto): Who is it?

Oh... Sorry, Ruth,
force of habit.

(clears throat)

Well, good morning.
Look who's here.

Mr. Astor, molester
of waterfowl.

Uh, I, uh, have something to
say about yesterday's presentation.

Boys, observe the winning
back of a lost account.

Hello, Mr. Astor,
I'm Ruth Dunbar.

Please do my commercial.

Well, I... I hope you
were taking notes.

You liked Peter Penguin?

Look, yesterday was
a... A misunderstanding.

It never would have happened

if I realized you
were friends of...

Elliot Pardo.

Elliot Pardo?

Yeah. Yeah.

Sixties?

BOTH: Yeah.

Dapper? BOTH: Yeah.

Well-known
organized-crime figure?

Huh? What?

Yeah.

You didn't hear that from me.

Really, really, that's
enough now, okay? Now...

Just control yourself, okay?

Okay. I'm really not
good under pressure.

Just cope.

Elliot Pardo is a notorious,
underworld kingpin.

I mean, when he puts
people in the trunk of his car,

it is not to sneak
them into a drive-in.

Do you understand?

Well, I... I sort of saved his
granddaughter's life yesterday.

Glad I didn't miss.

Oh, Hen... What kind
of dopes were we?

For cryin' out... We
could've asked that guy

for all kinds of neat
stuff, stuff we need.

Cars, jewelry, Vegas showgirls.

Kick, step, kick, step.

Yes, Bubbles, leave
the headdress on.

Kip, I... I think you
don't quite understand

exactly what this man's
association with Henry means.

It means when I
woke up this morning,

I... found this in my bed.

( upbeat theme playing)

Well, boys, I am impressed.

This is the first time
you've ever been early

with the rent.

Say, this wouldn't have anything
to do with your new friend,

Mr. uh...

Isabelle, it just so
happens that "Mr. uh..."

has been sending a
lot of business our way.

We got three new accounts:

florist, cement
plant and undertaker.

Here you go, Isabelle.

Here's Franklin, Jackson,

Hamilton, Lincoln, Washington,
Washington, Washington.

Sounds like my high
school basketball team.

(knock on door)

KIP & HENRY
(falsetto): Who is it?

May I come in?

You may not. I don't know
how you and your pervert friends

got up here, but you
better get downstairs...

(stammering)

Hi. Welcome to the
Susan B. Anthony Hotel.

Mi casa es su casa.

Well, heh-heh,
goodbye, good luck,

and if you should ever
need to be in touch,

my name is... Lola Falana.

Excuse me.

A great entertainer
and a close friend.

Heh-heh! Well, uh, here you are.

If we didn't know yesterday
who you know you are

now we know who you are
and here you are, Mr. Pardo.

Henry... you call
me Grandfather.

Yes, Grandfather.

Uh, how about me? Can, uh...?

Can I call you Grandfather too?

Of course you can.

Well, great, Grandfather. Heh.

Sit. Have a seat, please.

Well, so, perhaps, uh, you or...

Or one of your hood...
Good and noble friends

would, uh, care, you
know, for a cup of Hoffa...

Cuppa, uh, Jimmy...
Joe! Cup of joe.

Boy, cold in here. Oh, I'm
sweatin' b*ll*ts... Bricks!

Oh, my God.

Henry, I'm a businessman.

Grandfather, uh...

Uh... I'd like to thank you,

uh, for all the work
you've been send...

Henry, there's no
need to thank me.

What are friends for?

Steak and Löwenbräu, heh.

(chuckles, indistinct speech)

I have a little favor I
want you boys to do.

Uh...

there's a service I
want you to perform.

Oh, Grandfather,
you shouldn't have.

I didn't.

I want you to protect this
package with your lives.

And I want you to bring it
to my house on Saturday,

2:00 in the afternoon.

Here's the address.
You understand?

BOTH: Yes, Grandfather.

Except for one thing.
Now, ahem, when you say

protect this with our lives,
now, that... That's, uh...

That's a... A figure of speech,

like "It's raining cats
and dogs," right?

If I said it was
raining cats and dogs,

there'd be pots of pussycats

and puddles of
poodles, you understand?

Yes, Grandfather.

That's nice alliteration.
Do you write?

See you Saturday. You bet.

Saturday is... Is fine.

That's a good day for us too,

because we don't really... Shh.

See you Saturday.

Goodbye, Grandfather.
Goodbye, Grandfather.

Great.

Great.

Now we're bagmen.

Uh, technically
we're, uh, box men.

A few shining moments,
we were still ad men.

(clears throat)

Do you realize what
could be in this box?

No.

The optimist in me
says it's dried fruit.

What does the
pessimist in you say?

Exploding cheeseballs?

( upbeat theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)

I don't get it.

Uh, I-I thought I had
everything covered.

I exercise.

I watch between-meal treats.

I brush with a
decay-preventive dentifrice

that can be of significant value

in a conscientiously applied
program of oral hygiene

and regular, professional care.

And now look at us.

Raiders of the lost box.

It's driving me nuts.

What the hell could be in there?

Maybe it's a real
tiny union official.

Well, it isn't jewelry.

How does she know that?

Uh, eh, trust me,
she... She knows.

You know what? Ahem.

Every Christmas,

I used to sneak under the tree
and steam open my presents.

Of course, my mom and
dad never broke my legs

and hung me on a meat hook.

Here's a crazy idea.

Why don't we
just call the police?

Yeah, good idea.

Why not? Let's call the police.

What're you, nuts?!

Next thing you know,

we'll be before a Senate
investigating committee.

They'll be asking us questions.

They'll have to give
us new identities.

We already have two,
we don't need a third.

Oh, boy.

Next thing you know

we'll be wheat
farmers in Kansas.

The only time we'll
be seen in public

is when they do a spot
on us on 60 Minutes

with black hoods over our heads.

Oh, did you see Andy Rooney's
piece last week on power tools?

It was fabulous.

Sorry.

Look, guys, why didn't
you just tell the Grandfather

you didn't want his stupid box?

Fear of losing our cajangas.

We only have one choice.
We'll have to cooperate.

We'll hide the box.

Now, what is the
last place in the world

you would think
to look for this box?

ALL: In the closet!

( upbeat theme playing)

I hate working
Saturday mornings.

Yeah, me too. We
missed Scooby-Doo.

I know.

You know, I am almost positive

if the Grandfather was
not sending us work,

we would not be
making commercials

for Smiling Bubba's
House of Bail Bonds.

You're absolutely right.

But I gotta tell you something.

I think everything's just
gonna work out all right.

We'll get the box to the
Grandfather this afternoon,

hand it over,

and everything'll just be fine.

(shakily) We'll get the box to
the Grandfather this afternoon,

hand it over,

and everything'll just be fine.

(sniffles)

(chuckling)

Kip, ya nut!

You nutcase, huh?
You merry prankster.

Would you let me in on
this? I could use a chuckle.

I missed Scooby-Doo too.

Come on, it worked.
I had a mild cardiac.

Now 'fess up. Where'd
you hide the box?

(screams)

You didn't hide the box?

The box is gone?

(screams)

AMY: What is going on?
ISABELLE: What's wrong with you?

Box gone.

Us goners.

(screaming)

HENRY: Find it. Find
it. It's gotta be in here.

(indistinct speech)

Oh, Henry, this is adorable.

It's such a cute little thing.

It's so cute.

Uh, Amy, that's
nice, but find the box!

Find it! Find it!

Now, what has gotten into you?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

But find it, find
it, find it, find it!

Look everywhere!

Find it. Find it. Find it.

(whimpering)

Thank you all for your help.

Don't, uh... Don't bother
trying to straighten up.

Just, uh... Just take
what you can use...

and give the rest
to charity. We, uh...

We won't be needing
material possessions anymore.

Thanks to Sir
Lancelot over here.

Nice goin', guy.

Had to be the hero,
didn't you? Huh?!

You couldn't let the
little girl kiss the limo, no!

You had to step in and save
her, be a hero. Nice going!

Thanks to you, we're
gonna be pushing up daisies.

We're gonna be
getting a sod siesta.

We're gonna be
sleeping with the fishes.

We're gonna be tree food, Henry.

Remember, it's always
darkest right before the dawn.

Oh, shut up.

( upbeat theme playing)

Grandfather said
you should wait here.

Yes, sir, waiting is
good, waiting is fine.

Waiting is living.

Then wait.

Wait it is.

Cheery guy. Yeah.

Ahem. "Grandfather, we
are grateful and honored

"to have the privilege
of being invited

into a beautiful
and lovely home."

"It was an honor to have saved
the life of your lovely granddaughter.

"May she bear you
many great-grandchildren.

May they be masculine
great-grandchildren."

You know, these
are very sincere.

I would not k*ll us.

I still think we should have
brought him a nice sponge cake.

Hey, uh, I wonder how the
Grandfather spends his time

between gangland slayings.

Yeah.

Hey, here's an interesting book.

The Poetry of Emily Dickinson.

Oh.

Did you do that?

Well, this oughta take
his mind off the box. Heh.

What say we
tidy up a little bit?

Okay.

(both grunting)

Wow.

Whoa, look at this.

I guess the Grandfather
isn't too concerned

over those projected
cuts in social security.

Isn't that Senator,
uh, what's-his-name?

Oh, Henry, this is
so embarrassing.

You've got the
same chiffon dress.

What's the matter with you?

Why does the Grandfather
have all this money lying around

when he could have
it working for him

in dr*gs and gambling
and prostitution?

Oh, great, Henry,
while he's reloading,

you give him financial advice.

(men speaking indistinctly)

(yells)

Henry, help.

Okay, here they come.

Hello. Henry, Kip.

"Grandfather, we are...
"It was a privilege...

beautiful and lovely home.
"great-grandchildren."

About the box... We lost it.

We're... We're sorry.
We lost the box.

We'll work weekends to
make it up for you. Anything.

You know what's
gotta be done. You do it.

You do it quick,
and you do it quietly.

Hi, guys.

Nice suits.

Look, please, don't do this.

(whimpering)

You're makin' him cry here.

I think he's learned
his lesson, huh?

Oh.

I've lost my last box.

(Kip screams then stammers)

KIP: Henry, look, let...
Let's go out like men.

HENRY: Kip, I love you.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

Henry, I think we
gotta talk about this.

PARDO: Shut up.

Surprise. Surprise.

PARDO: Happy birthday, dear.

BOTH: Surprise.

You didn't find my hiding place
this year, did you, sweetheart?

No, Grandfather.

And I even looked
in your wall safe.

Henry, Kip, come here.
You weren't at home.

I sent one of my associates
over to pick up the box.

Thanks for the Baby
Sally doll, Grandfather.

I can't wait to burp her.

Burping Baby Sally doll?

A Burping Baby Sally doll?

You put us through
hell over a doll with gas?

We thought we had the Grand...

The... The... The French
Connection, Grandpa.

Not a... Not a box
full of rude plastic.

Who do you think you are, huh?

Don't you ever let
this happen again.

You got me, buster?

It's nothing personal.

It's just a glandular problem.

Uh, I had too much fruit today.

It's all right,
boys. It's all right.

It's all right.

Take Erica out and see if
the pony ride is ready, huh?

I was really hoping
for a Longine.

Come on, be happy
with a pony ride.

Maybe next year
you'll get a watch.

Henry, Kip, look.

I'm sorry, boys... (grunts)

about the misunderstanding.

Well, it's... Y-you
made Henry cry.

Ahem. Now, you
boys did me this favor,

and I wanna do more for you.

How'd you like to handle
the advertising for Mobico Oil?

I don't think so.

I mean, as much as we'd like
an account like that, maybe...

I could make you rich.

Fellas, this is an
offer you can't refuse.

(both chuckle)

Great reference. Ha-ha-ha!

Grandfather, in all due respect,

if you really wanna
do us any more favors,

just don't do us
any favors, please.

Okay, you wanna say no to
the opportunity of a lifetime, okay.

Well, i-it's just that

in order for it to be worth it,

we sort of have to
earn it ourselves.

I can respect your wishes.

Well, it's like my
mom always said,

"Crime doesn't p..."

You always respect your mother.

Now, I wanna show
you the rest of the house.

All 72 rooms.

Oh, that reminds me.

I got about a million of
your dollars in my pants.

Henry does too.

(inaudible dialogue)

( upbeat theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)

Kip and Henry should
have been back hours ago.

What if they're...?

Stuck in traffic, they
could be stuck in traffic.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I loved them like
sisters, uh... Brothers.

Whatever.

Hey, hello. Hi, you guys.

We were worried sick about you.

Thank God you're all right.

Look, champagne
for everybody, okay?

What's the big deal? Sit down.

You mean to tell us
you two were concerned

about a couple
of bruisers like us?

Oh, hey, we just
told the old man,

(in New York accent):
"Hey, look, Grandpa,

we're tired of babysitting
your stinkin' box,

so we dumped it."

Aw.

Then we gave them
all a fist massage,

and that made those
g*ons fall in line, huh?

Oh, sure.

(Kip and Henry whimpering)

(inaudible dialogue)

( upbeat jazz theme playing)