HENRY (voice-over): When
we moved to New York,
we had a great
apartment that was cheap.
KIP (voice-over):
And we found out why.
HENRY: Our friend Amy said
there was a great
apartment in her building.
KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.
Okay, we made one adjustment.
HENRY: Now these other ladies
know us as Buffy and Hildegarde.
KIP: But they also know us
as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.
I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.
HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.
KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.
(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)
♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪
♪ That gig Has got potential ♪
♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪
♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪
♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try To shake me ♪
♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪
♪ It ain't any use ♪
♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪
♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪
♪ You're stuck with ♪
♪ Oh, ooh... ♪
♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪
♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪
♪ It ain't any use ♪
♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪
♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ You can tell me to go away ♪
♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪
♪ It ain't any use ♪
♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
Thank you, Lenore.
Your signature won't go
unappreciated. Thanks.
Excuse me. Would you care
to sign our petition for ERA?
We don't wanna
let Alan Alda down.
That's okay.
Fine, Marion, don't sign.
But don't come running
to us when you're barefoot,
pregnant and chained
to a stove by some man!
(gasps)
Oh, that appeals
to you, doesn't it?!
Calm down. Let her go.
For every one of her,
there are ten like you.
Ooh. (sighs)
What a frightening
thought. (sniffs)
Hey, Spinkus. Nice work.
Hello, Sonny.
Hi, Kip. (gasps)
It's Donna Reed.
Oh, I loved you in
From Here to Eternity.
How did, uh...
they rope you into
doing this, huh, guy?
Hm. Easy.
I promised him that
every hour he puts in,
that you'd put in two.
(all laugh)
(with Slavic
accent): Miss Hildy.
Yes?
I would be proud to
sign your ERA petition.
Oh, please do. Please do.
(laughs)
The last time I signed
petition in old country,
I spent eighteen
months in Yankov.
That is like your Buffalo...
except cold. (laughs)
I, uh, guess they
don't have an ERA
in your country, huh, Spinkus?
(laughing): Oh. Not yet.
First, we are trying to
get rid of martial law.
(g*n f*ring sound) (laughs)
You are beautiful today.
Oh.
Thank you, Spinkus.
Oh, not you.
You.
Well. Love in the Afternoon.
Our own Luke and Laura.
As flattering as that may be,
our Spinkus is already engaged.
(laughs): Aren't you? Yes,
and he's so romantic.
He's saving all his money
so he can bring Leona
back to this country.
And fulfill that
impossible dream
of becoming the
first Amway distributor
in Provo, Utah.
I may not make
her Leona Spinkus.
Why not?
I am hot-flashing
American woman.
It's those darn designer jeans.
Uh, look, uh, Sonny,
if we're gonna make
that matinee of Reds...
Oh, right.
Oh, no need to go to Reds.
You wait. Reds come to you.
Ready?
Mm.
You know, Hildy,
you've gone a long way, baby.
A real long way. (chuckles)
Don't you listen to him.
Look at the bow-wow he's with.
(chuckles)
( upbeat theme playing)
Ready to try your
luck, little boy?
Yes, sir!
Pull.
AMY: Oh, I hate slow workdays.
Come on, Amy, it's your turn.
Come on, get out here.
Whoa!
Ah, missed.
Got it!
(Kip speaks indistinctly)
Ow! Oh, shut up.
Ding, ding, ding, ding. Got it!
Ding. More. More balls.
No, there aren't any more.
All right. Um, let's
use the furniture.
Oh, Kip.
Uh, Mr. Henry Desmond, please.
Hey, Spinkus, how you doing?
How do you know my name?
How do I know...?
Because, uh, y... You
look like a Spinkus.
Also, um, my sister Hildy
has mentioned you frequently.
Oh, I am green with flattery.
Am I incoming, please?
Please. Please come on in.
I'm sorry, yes. Good.
It is pleasure to
meet brother of Hildy.
Oh. Nice to meet you too.
I am here to give you gift.
Oh.
Thank you.
(chuckles)
Smells like a hot sweater.
(laughs)
What is it, a lamb?
(laughs): Half a lamb.
That's wonderful.
I'll, uh... I'll open it later.
(laughs)
Half a lamb in my
country is traditional gift...
when one man wishes to
court another man's sister,
with retention to marry.
Say what?
What?
Um, Spinkus. I-I thought
you were engaged to Leona
back in your homeland.
Oh yes. But when I see
this man's lovely sister...
all thoughts of Leona
rush right out of my ears.
I am here to start
rolling the ball with Hildy.
(chuckles)
Spinkus, you'll have a
honeymoon you'll never forget.
(laughs)
(whimpering)
Um... Uh, Spinkus,
um, I know this is
very hard for Henry to say.
So, um... I guess I'm the one
who's gonna to have
to break it to you, Spink.
Um... Hildy's a tramp.
She's, uh, man's best friend.
Back-seat bait.
Many man's best friend.
Miss Easy Street.
For fifty bucks,
she's any man's best friend.
She's listed in the guidebook
under "things to do."
Yeah, well, this...
This one time, she
and the entire cast
of Nicholas Nickleby...
All right, all right. Enough.
I could say some nasty things
about your sister, buddy.
The fact of the
matter is, Spinkus...
Hildy is already engaged...
to wed another man.
Who?
Him.
That?
No problem.
Hmph.
(sighs) Spinkus... that's it.
I'm telling you, you
can't court my sister.
I won't allow it.
So...
This is one of things
I love about America.
It is free country.
I am free to ask
for your sister hand,
and you are free to say no.
And then if I don't want
to listen to answer...
I don't have to.
See you at family picnics.
Hm. Wow.
Hildy and Spinkus...
♪ Sitting in a tree ♪
♪ K-I-S-S-I... ♪
Th... This is just great.
How are we gonna tell him
that the woman of his dreams
is the man of his dreams?
We're not going to.
Should have expected it.
I mean, let's face it... heh.
Hildy is... an attractive,
stunning woman.
She's... She's pert, yet sexy.
She's... She's soft.
She's... Stop me.
N-no, Spinkus is a
good, decent man.
We can't let him throw away
what he has with Leona
over you, a woman with obvious
glandular problems.
Suggestions? Well... yeah.
Uh, a little drastic.
But hey, drastic situations
call for drastic measures.
HENRY: Go on.
Death.
Hey, I can't k*ll Spinkus. I
don't even dislike the guy.
Right. You are the stupidest
person you've ever seen.
I'm not talking Spinkus.
I'm talking Hildy.
(chuckles): The only thing
that's gonna stop this guy
is the death of
Hildegarde Desmond.
We've gotta convince
him that Hildy has taken a...
dirt nap.
That is one of the...
The most stupid,
juvenile, asinine things...
that we'll ever do.
(mournful organ music playing)
(muffled): Dearly beloved...
Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here...
to pay homage...
to Hildegarde...
Noreen Desmond.
Hildy to her friends.
And they were legion...
as you can see by
the great turnout today.
She was a saint. (sobs)
Yes, she was a saint.
And like all the other saints...
she's dead.
(both crying)
My beauteous Hildy.
She was... unique
in life, and...
certainly unique in death.
She left us just last night.
While standing on
our fire escape...
gazing up at the stars...
she took a comet
right in the neck.
Yes, she gave her
life for astronomy.
For Hildy, it was a...
sorry, starry night.
♪ Swing low ♪
♪ Sweet chariot ♪
♪ Comin' for to ♪
♪ Carry me ♪
♪ Home ♪
(gasps)
R.I.P., honey.
What is this?
A soup... of death.
What, no Oysterettes?
Hildy.
(sighs)
(crying): Hildy,
Hildy, Hildy, Hildy.
(inhales)
I must see you one last time.
Um...
She, um...
She requested a closed coffin.
Modest little stiff, huh?
But I wanted to give
her these two lilies.
Oh. Well, um...
She was allergic,
but what the heck.
I'm sorry, Mr. Saul,
but this is the only
place I had to audition
on such short notice.
Do you wanna be my agent?
Well, got ladies
in black wailing,
one guy with a leaky face.
And there's a stiff.
It's a tough crowd.
I'm gonna have
to think about it.
(sighs)
(voice quavering): This
is very difficult for me.
(gasps dramatically)
Um... you see,
Hildegarde was my best friend.
(sobbing)
SPINKUS: Hildy.
(panting): Um...
i-it's so hard to
express how I... I...
I can't find the words.
I'm amazed she
can find her seat.
So let me show you...
through the magic...
of puppetry.
♪ Dee-dee, da-lee, dee-dee ♪
♪ Lee-dee-dee... ♪
(high voice): Hello, Hildy.
(low voice): Oh. Hello, Amy.
My, you look beautiful.
(high voice): Oh. Well, thanks.
(gasps)
But watch out for that comet.
(low voice): What comet?
(gasps) Ah!
(makes choking noises)
Yeah.
That was yesterday.
But now today, through
the magic of puppetry,
we'll go back to a
happier time. Thank you.
Thank you, Amy Cassidy...
I'm not finished. For that warm
and tender concept
that helped everyone
forget their sadness and grief
long enough... to be
shocked and disgusted.
It was a beautiful show.
Hildy is the luckiest
dead woman that I know.
I don't know. I... I...
I'd like to sign you, kid.
But if I just could see
something a little more... hmph.
Upbeat, you know? Oh, uh...
Up-tempo. Oh, well, well.
Let me see what I can do.
Excuse me a moment.
I have to go back on.
What do you mean,
you gotta go back o...
Isabelle, this is
a funeral service,
not the USO.
Besides, Sonny's gotta
read some telegrams.
Go ahead. Go ahead. Okay.
You, sit down. Okay.
(clears throat)
(voice quavering):
This is from Kip.
(sighs)
"Sorry I couldn't be with
you to share the sorrow.
"I'm in Pittsburgh
on business, and...
(gasps)
(sobbing): I couldn't
get supersaver."
(sniffles) Pittsburgh.
(sobbing)
(pretending to cry): Supersaver.
(sighs) This is
from... Hildy's parents.
"We would have loved
to have been there
"on this sad occasion...
"but... (sobbing)
"Wayne Gretzky is
autographing hockey pucks
at the mall."
(pretending to cry): Gretzky?
(sobbing): I,
uh... I can't go on.
Oh. That's all right.
That's all right, Sonny.
None of us want you to.
I'd like to say a
few words, if I may,
about... my... dead friend.
(Spinkus moaning)
(clears throat)
I think this story best sums
up the type of girl Hildy was.
(sighing): When
we were both young
and living in Saskatchewan,
we took part in
the acorn festival,
competing to be named
Queen of the Nuts.
You see... each year
the judges look for...
poise and... charm
and... beauty.
Well, this year,
instead, Hildy won.
(both sobbing)
Yes, Hildy.
I couldn't believe it either.
As they... placed
the tiara of acorns
on her head, I...
(sobbing): She noticed the
tears streaming from my eyes.
Yes, I was jealous,
I will admit it.
You see, i-i-i-i-in
Saskatchewan...
(gasps)
guys goes for gals
with nuts on their heads.
Suddenly, all of the loggers...
immediately shut up,
each and every one
of their fat, bulky
bodies, and...
And there was
silence as Hildy...
draped... the nuts on my head.
(sniffles)
And that's the type
of gal Hildy was.
Nuts to you... Hildy.
(sobbing)
Say, uh... I'd like
to option that story.
It would make a great TV movie
for Suzanne Pleshette.
(speaking inaudibly)
(sighs)
Hildy... tsk... was a saint.
She was the only
woman in hotel...
who didn't get mad
when I left up toilet seat.
(crying): What use life.
Spinkus...
I'll tell you, "What use life."
It was my sister's
dying request...
that you go back to
Leona and marry her,
and name your
first-born child after her.
If it's a boy, after
Leon Russell.
No. I cannot.
I... I must forget about Leona.
I have made promise...
to remain true to Hildy.
I go sit quietly
and wait for death to
send me candygram.
(woman speaks indistinctly)
Any other bright ideas? (sighs)
Well, I guess we'll
let the guy marry you.
Oh, he is? A-a-all
right, all right.
Thank you, Isabelle. Bye-bye.
Okay. Spinkus is on his way up.
And we cannot let this man
carry this grief
around with him,
uh, Henry, uh...
If there was
something I could do,
something I could say,
some action I could take,
you know I would.
But I can't.
You know why.
Why?
'Cause it's your problem.
(knocking on door)
BOTH (high voices): Who is -
(high voice): Who is it?
Spinkus.
Oh, Spinkus. Come on in.
HILDY: Yes.
Come on in.
Enter, enter, enter. Please.
I am history.
Um, uh... Hello.
Please come, uh, sit.
Please. Oh.
No, I could not sit
on sacred furniture.
It's all right.
S-she always hated this chair.
Oh, I can see why.
Spinkus, uh...
I've gotta tell you
something now.
And it's gotta stay just
between you and me.
Hokey-dokey. Okay.
You see, there's...
There's a lot you
don't know about me.
Uh... (muffled): I'm
not only Mr. Henry.
You see... (laughs)
there's, uh... There's
someone else.
Someone, uh... well,
very close to you.
You see, Spinkus...
I'm also... Miss Hildy!
Exactly. You're ghost!
Ghost!
(yelling gibberish, spits twice)
Ghost! Ghost! Ghost.
No, I am Miss Hildy.
I-I mean, I'm her... She's me.
Well, If you're Miss
Hildy, who is in coffin?
Are you k*ller?
No.
Will there be investigation?
No.
Do I have to talk to Quincy?
Probably not. Uh...
there wasn't
anybody in the coffin.
There... There never was.
You trick me with funeral?
Yes.
You break poor Spinkus' heart.
Miss Hildy would
not have done that.
No, I... I guess... (chuckles)
Well... I'm not half
the man Hildy is.
Why not just tell
me you are man?
Wait.
Why are you man?
Oh...
And I thought in my country
we had housing shortage.
Spinkus, you're in
love with a real woman.
I couldn't let you
throw that away.
Oh. Stupid, stupid Spinkus.
Now I see light.
You lie... you
deceive, you hoax me...
but for my own good. Right.
Just like my government does.
I guess so.
Uh... I'm sorry, Spinkus.
I can't justify what I did.
I... I blew it.
Um...
The lie seemed a lot
easier than the truth.
Uh... I never... meant
for you to get hurt.
I...
I'm sorry.
You can...
You can slug me if
you want. Go ahead.
Oh, no.
Thank you, Spinkus.
If you cannot bear my children,
I would rather
have you as friend.
Thanks.
(knocking on door) Hello, hello.
I'm coming in. I'm back. Hello?
Is, um, everything
taken care of here?
Yeah, everything's...
Everything's fine.
Good.
Well... (clears throat)
(sighs)
This is one fat
joke on this girlie.
(both laugh)
( upbeat jazz theme playing)
Well, I guess Spinkus
should be here
just about any minute.
Yeah.
I heard it was a lovely wedding.
The bride and her oxen
of honor wore white.
Well, I just think
it's so romantic.
Do you know they had to
wait in line for ten weeks
to get the rice that
was thrown at them?
(claps)
Friends. Howdy-doody.
I want you should
meet... my new missus...
Leona Spinkus.
(with Slavic accent):
Nice to meet you all.
Husband... which
one is drag king?
KIP: Uh... How do you do?
It's, uh...
It's a pleasure to
m... To meet you.
Nice to meet you.
W-w-wel... Welcome to our, uh...
Our country.
Henry, where was your
father during the w*r?
( upbeat theme playing)
( upbeat jazz theme playing)
02x14 - Hildy's Dirt Nap
Watch/Buy Amazon
Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.
Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.