HENRY (voice-over): When
we moved to New York,
we had a great
apartment that was cheap.
KIP (voice-over):
And we found out why.
HENRY: Our friend Amy said
there was a great
apartment in her building.
KIP: Dirt cheap. But
it's a hotel for women.
Okay, we made one adjustment.
HENRY: Now these other ladies
know us as Buffy and Hildegarde.
KIP: But they also know us
as Kip and Henry, Buffy
and Hildy's brothers.
I am, uh, crazy
about the blond, heh.
HENRY: This experience
is gonna make a great book.
KIP: See, it's all
perfectly normal.
(Stephanie Mills' "Shake
Me Loose" playing)
♪ I'd like to be J. Paul Getty ♪
♪ That gig Has got potential ♪
♪ But the only thing
That's essential ♪
♪ Is having a friend Like you ♪
♪ Well, you can try
To shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try To shake me ♪
♪ You can leave If
you got a mind to ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪
♪ It ain't any use ♪
♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪
♪ You're stuck with me ♪
♪ I'm stickin' around ♪
♪ You're stuck with ♪
♪ Oh, ooh... ♪
♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Don't try to shake me ♪
♪ And you can leave
If you got a mind to ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be
Right behind you ♪
♪ It ain't any use ♪
♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪
♪ Try to shake me loose ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ You can tell me to go away ♪
♪ But it doesn't
matter What you say ♪
♪ It ain't any use ♪
♪ You ain't never
gonna Shake me loose ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
(chuckles evilly)
(disco music playing)
(music stops)
What are you up to,
you immature boy?
On Sundays I wish to be
awakened by Slim Whitman.
(knocking on door)
BOTH: ♪ Who is it? ♪
AMY: Meals on wheels.
Come on in.
Good morning. Good morning!
We've got your orange juice.
We've got your lox.
We've got your bagels.
We've got your cream cheese.
Great, deli food:
the chosen food.
We've got your Danish.
(knocking)
ALL: ♪ Who is it? ♪
Lena Horne.
I look even younger
than they say.
Hey, Isabelle.
Wanna nosh?
Take a seat.
Got any whitefish?
No, but we have some pink fish.
What a shiksa.
So, anyway, Isabelle, uh...
(sighs) You, uh...
You look blue.
Yeah?
You look beige.
(imitating submarine alarm)
Bad vibes, bad
vibes. Dive, dive.
Look I... I've decided to quit
as the manager of the hotel.
HENRY: What're
you talking about?
What? What?
SONNY: Why?
Because I came to
New York to be a singer,
not our nation's innkeeper.
Look, I've missed
so many auditions
because of my work here,
I just feel like I have
to choose between
one life and the other.
Well, all right, uh, Isabelle,
I don't want this to, uh,
influence your decision at
all, but, uh, what about us?
Come on...
The next manager might
not be so understanding.
I mean, there's still some
unreasonable people
who object to men
dressing as women.
We like to call them
most of America.
Isabelle, you know,
I think I can, uh,
give you some advice
that you might find valuable.
(scoffs)
(laughing): You?
I'm glad you said it.
HENRY: No, Kip's right.
There's a significant
parallel now
to a similar experience
he and I went through.
Uh, let me tell you
the whole story.
AMY & KIP (child-like):
Ooh, story time, story time!
Move in. Move in, so
Isabelle can sit with you.
Oh boy, this is
my favorite part.
It's called, "The story that
relates to Isabelle's problem."
Why am I laying next to you?
After this, can we
hear Pokey Puppy?
Please?
Sonny, don't be so
self-consciously cute, okay?
All right, now.
Once upon a time,
long ago and far away,
in a galaxy known as
Ohio State University...
( magical theme playing)
there lived two boys.
Let's see if I can get 'em in
both directions at once now.
This one's a little weak.
Well, I'd better not keep
him in suspense any longer.
Kip?
Oh, boy, am I glad you got here.
I've been falling in love
with this pair of pants.
So... um... like,
uh... what's news?
I mean... I mean, did it
have...? I-I mean, did we pass?
Did I pass? Did you pass?
Are we gonna graduate?
Not only did we pass, but
there were a couple of people
who finished behind us.
Whoa!
Ho, ho!
Thank God for foreign
exchange students!
Look at this! I'm dream...
We did it! We did it.
Four years of college...
Two months of hard
work. It's all over.
And you know why
we did it, don't you?
Because our parents
made us. That's right.
Here we are, Henry.
You know what you and I are now?
Sure.
BOTH (in unison): We
are college graduates.
(both humming "Pomp
and Circumstance")
(shouting)
Goodbye Ohio State!
Goodbye Columbus.
Goodbye buckeyes, and
maybe one of these days
someone'll tell me just
what the hell a buckeye is.
(both laughing)
Boy, think of all
our classmates, huh,
all rosy-cheeked,
eager to go out
and sell their souls to
the corporate monolith.
Yep, those dopes! Ha, ha, ha.
Not us, though. You see,
Henry, you and I are artists.
That's it. And our
souls cannot be bought.
Yeah. We are like Siddhartha.
And Sid's brother, Harry Hartha.
(laughs)
(laughing)
Boy, if I had any
doubts, though,
career day cleared it up for me.
Oh, ain't that the truth?
Waste of time goin'
to those interviews.
Well, no, it was
a good exercise.
You know, it was a good
exercise 'cause it enabled us
to see what we're gonna miss.
Exercise, exercise!
That reminds me.
(booming voice): Our boys are gonna
be receiving an awful lot of exercise
with their brand new backpacks!
(booming voice): Yes, designer
backpacks from Shelly's House of Backpacks.
They'll come in awfully
handy as they spend
their two months
hitchhiking through...
Europe. Yes!
Europe! Home of London.
England. Paris.
France. I see.
Henry's. Underpants.
You really shouldn't...
(knocking)
BOTH: Who is it?
Hello, it's Ruth Dunbar.
I'm Ricky.
I'm Dave.
Dad's at work, wherever that is.
I've come to see you because
I've had a chance to look over
your resumes and I was very,
very impressed by your work,
so much so that my company,
Livingston, Gentry and Mishkin
is prepared to
offer you a position.
Are you yankin' us?
Well, that would
hardly be my style.
We're offering 20
thousand dollars a year.
What do you say?
BOTH (in unison): Yes!
Twenty thousand bucks!
This is really flippin' me out.
You know, we were just talking
about how anxious we were
to start, you know, climbin'
up the corporate ladder, right?
Twenty thousand bucks!
This is gonna be
a big opportunity.
Oh, uh-uh... Yes,
it... It will be, but...
not for you.
I'm sorry, I was... I was
actually only offering
a position to Mr. Wilson.
Bummer.
( magical theme playing)
So, it's a nice story, huh?
Mmm, this bagel is great.
My herring is bad.
(loudly): I said
this bagel is great!
(scoffs)
This is just like
brunch at The Home.
What? What?
Uh, this is a wonderful
fable, Brother Grimm,
but exactly what does
this have to do with me?
It's perfectly obvious to me.
(loudly): He said it was
perfectly obvious to him.
So... anyway, Ruth was
only interested in Kip.
I couldn't make sense out of it.
I mean, this was a man who
had spent most of his senior year
uttering phrases like, "I got
an idea. Let's get the dog high."
( magical theme playing)
Oh, here we go.
So you get one going one way
and the other
going the other way.
That's just great.
It's not even hard.
(both laugh)
I'm starting to enjoy
it, uh... Wanna try?
Too much. Heh.
Stop, heh, heh.
Be nice now.
This is just too much for me.
We'll... We'll
come back to this.
You know, of all the
things I've seen and learned
in my last four years
of college, that's...
That's one I'll be
sure to remember.
Oh, Henry, how sweet. Mwah.
You know, uh, you gonna be
faithful to me when I'm gone?
No.
Good.
Takes a lot of pressure off me.
But, uh, you know, Kip
and I are gonna be gone
for two long months, and...
Uh, now hold on, Henry.
I thought maybe...
I don't believe that
Kip is going to Europe.
I think he's gonna stay
right here and take the job.
What are you, nuts?
Not my Kip, hon.
He's made of sterner stuff.
He won't go that route.
And you know why? Hm?
This is a man who hasn't
washed his gym shorts
since junior high school.
Trust me. I know Kip.
Who are you?
( upbeat theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
You're gonna be the best-dressed
hitchhiker in Europe.
Henry, this is the first
practical decision of my life.
Thank you very much
for all your support.
What support?
What about art, huh?
Hey, I'm still doin' my art.
More importantly, I'm
getting paid for my art.
It's not art if you get paid.
Huh? And what about all
our beautiful plans, huh?
We were gonna come
back from Europe broke,
set up in a nice sleazy
apartment, you know?
Freeze, live on
Cheetos and stuff,
develop respiratory
infections, huh?
What happened to
that beautiful dream?
Henry, I want that
just as much as you do.
All right, oh, look, Hen...
Henry, come... Henry, come on.
(scoffs)
(clicks tongue)
If you ask me not
to take this job,
I won't take the job.
Don't take the...
I'm taking the job!
You're selling
out... Oh, I am not!
For a few lousy
dollars. I am not!
You're nothing but
a cheap sellout artist.
N-n-n-n... Yes, you are.
You're sacrificing everything
just for a little money,
and for tickets to the theater
and have drinks that
don't come in a can.
And I wanted the job too.
So... So here we have it.
You admit I am not a sellout.
No, I... I just wanna
sell out with you.
Well, uh, Henry, what
about your... Your...
Your dream of becoming
a famous novelist, huh?
Well, where does it
say I can't do both any-?
That's not the point.
The point is, I thought that...
You know. I thought we were...
a team, you know.
I thought we were
gonna stay together.
(goofy voice): I'm sorry.
(normal voice): The truth is, I don't
wanna go into New York without you.
Well, then why don't I go
talk to this Ruby Dumbo
or whatever her name is, huh?
See if she'll reconsider and
offer me a copywriter's job.
I bet she could be
sexually manipulated.
Okay. If you're really
serious about it, though,
it means you're gonna have
to make some, uh, sacrifices.
Aw, no.
All right, go ahead.
It's 1978 and I'm an
anachronism anyway.
Okay.
Off with your hand.
( funky upbeat theme playing)
Hey, how do I look?
Your dad's coat looks okay.
Yeah, I'm glad I brought it.
How about the tie?
Looks good, looks good.
You look very respectable,
like you should be handing out
copies of Watchtower
or something.
(knocking)
Hi.
Thank you so much
for coming in. Hello. Hi.
How are you? Oh, I'm fine.
Um... (low voice):
Is there any sort of
corporate secret handshake
I should know? Ha, ha, ha.
Cute.
No, we'll teach you the
corporate handshake
right after corporate hell week.
(normal voice): Wow. Thanks.
Okay. You, uh...?
You remember my
friend Henry Desmond?
No, I don't think so.
Oh, yes. Hello!
You're the one I didn't want.
Well, look at you.
You're all groomed.
What's happening?
You appearing in court to appeal
a drug conviction?
KIP: Oh, ha, ha.
No. No, no, no.
That was last semester.
Uh, I, uh...
You know, I was thinking,
as a new employee
of Livingston,
Gentry, and Mishkin...
Now that I...?
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
That I owed it to my, uh,
associates to sort of
give Henry a second look.
You know, sort of run
him up the flagpole...
Could I have the
lighter? I'm sorry.
Run him up the flagpole
and, uh, see if, uh,
anyone, uh, salutes.
Well, ha, ha, boys, I haven't
got anything against Henry.
It's just that I was actually
only shopping for an art man.
I mean, we... We have all
the copywriters we need.
I mean, it's sort of like
giving the Osmonds
more teeth, you
know. So... (laughs)
Okay, I got her warmed up.
Go get her.
Ha.
(coughs)
Well, you see, uh...
Actually, I'm, uh...
I'm not just an... An
ordinary copywriter.
Oh, I'm sure you're not.
Would you...? Would
you care to have a seat?
Make yourself comfortable?
Oh... Please.
Well, look, darling,
I... Well, go ahead.
You see, ahem, as
a young copywriter...
I feel as though I've literally
got my finger on the pulse
of the American consumer.
I mean, I know what
makes them tick.
You know, I know
what they think.
I know... I know why
they like green Jell-O.
I... I just thought of that.
(laughs)
I guess what I'm trying to
say is, I think that I'm, uh...
I'm perfect for the
ad game. Really?
You know, you would have
struck me so much more as
the starving artist type
prone to respiratory infections.
Yeah, well, that's,
uh... That's a part of...
That's a part of me.
Uh, well... thanks
for your time.
I appreciate it.
I, I... Uh, you...
You can go, I
guess, if you like.
Or if you two have business
to discuss, I certainly can leave.
Oh, no, no, no, don't you
leave, because actually I...
I do have to go. Uh,
I do... I do have a...
Have a car waiting,
so... (grunting)
It would, uh, be fine...
(sighs)
I think you gentlemen
ought to have that
chair rebeaned.
Uh, Miss Dunbar, um...
What would you
say if I said that
I wasn't going to take the
job unless Henry came along?
You're saying that you'd
give up $20,000 a year
because I'm not
hiring your friend?
Did I say that?
No, no, no, no...
You know, we'd make
a very good team.
You'd get your money's worth.
I swear it. He's right.
And we bought
ties and everything.
Now, don't try and
charm me, Cute Socks.
I've had the best.
Why is it I have this insane
weakness for young men?
Why? Why?
Oh, all right.
Looks like I've got
myself an art director
and yet another copywriter.
(Kip and Henry cheering)
Sandwich! Yeah!
(laughing)
Before you take a bite
out of the sandwich,
there's something that
you ought to consider.
Wha-wha-wha-what?
Well... the salary,
of course, remains the same.
Yeah.
BOTH: Twenty
thousand bucks apiece.
Another sandwich! Double-decker!
Well, wait a moment.
Now... Now hold the mayo.
I only have $20,000 to spend.
So it's 20,000 for the pair...
or 20,000 for just you.
Henry, will you stop with the:
Don't insult me, all right?
Mrs. Dunbar, you
have yourself a team.
Good. Well. Well.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha.
(French accent): Splendid.
Ho-oh-oh. I won.
(laughs)
Well, now, do we have
an ashtray or something?
Oh, yeah, right here.
Thank you very much.
Well, all right, I'll see
you and your confrere
on Manhattan Island
in, shall we say, uh...
a week from Monday?
Oooh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Rebellion already.
You will see us in New York
two months from Monday.
Henry and I are
going to Europe first.
Yeah.
Well, ha-ha, understand
that this is, of course,
in no way to be
considered a paid vacation.
Consider it understood.
No problem there. Heh.
(laughing): That's
fine. That's great.
In that case, bon voyage.
Oh, well, thank you. Thank you.
You have a nice
trip too. Thank you.
Yes. We took French.
(both laugh)
(laughing): We just
graduated from college.
Hey, you got yourself
the best and the brightest.
You do, and we're really gonna
enjoy working with ya, Red.
RUTH: Me too.
Mmm. Heh, heh, heh.
(laughing)
I can't believe what you
did for me. Nah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
That was great stuff.
Uh, yeah. It's gonna be great,
working with you.
Yeah, really fun.
Boy. Sorry about you
gettin' short bread and all.
Ah, come on. Forget it, Henry.
That's okay. We're buddies.
We're a team, and besides,
I'm still making a good living.
Fifteen thousand
dollars a year ain't bad.
Well, that's only
for the first year,
Henry, and then you'll
make five and I'll make 15.
Well, see, now,
there's the story.
Now you understand
what we mean, Isabelle?
No.
I mean, there are 20 million
stories in the naked city.
That one had
nothin' to do with me.
Can I have another
cup of coffee, Kip?
Sure. Thank you.
That's funny.
Sonny never asks
me for a second cup.
Anyway... the point is,
Isabelle, we all still, you know,
have our creative goals.
I mean, Kip still
paints. I still write.
I mean, Sonny's a nurse,
but she trains to be a dancer.
I mean, Amy still
wants to be a... A what?
Fireman.
Okay.
Bad example.
Look, Isabelle, all
we're trying to say
is that it's
possible to do both.
I mean, you can be practical,
but you can still
get off creatively.
I mean, hey
everybody's gotta eat.
Look, Izzy, if you have
an audition or something,
I mean, all you have
to do is ask one of us,
and we'll be more than
happy to cover for you.
Absolutely. Yeah.
ISABELLE: Really?
KIP: Sure. So... won't you stay?
Stay.
Stay.
♪ Just a little bit longer ♪
ALL: ♪ Please, please
Please, please, please ♪
♪ Say that you will ♪
ALL (high-pitched):
♪ Say you will ♪
I will if you promise never
to sing another number.
(all cheering)
I would like to... I would
like to propose a toast
to us never singing again.
There we go.
And also I'd like
to propose a toast
to a truly wonderful
cup of coffee.
AMY AND SONNY: Amen.
(laughs)
Okay, I'd like to
propose a toast too,
to some wonderful friends.
Thanks for your
help. I appreciate it.
Hey, come on. Heh, heh.
Well, now that that's settled,
let's get outta here before they
break into another stupid story.
Right.
Here's to them leaving, huh?
Oh, forget get you. We
had some great songs.
Hey, Izzy, do you
have an audition today?
No, it's Sunday.
Great, then you can come
over and unclog our sink.
Thanks again, guys.
Huh, Henry, do you
actually believe that's, uh...?
That's really possible?
What's that?
To do both.
I mean, hold down a
steady job and... be artists?
Sure I do.
Although, actually, uh...
Now, I haven't done any
serious writing in about, uh...
four months.
And I haven't done
any painting in... six.
( pensive theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
02x15 - The Way Kip and Henry Were
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Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.
Follows the misadventures of two single men, working in creative advertising, struggling in their industry while disguising themselves as women in order to live in the one apartment they could afford.