06x01 - Coming Home

[bunniefuu]

She's so tiny.
I know.

I love the way
her little eyelids
flutter.

Really cute.

Isn't she just
the most beautiful thing
in the world?

She looks like her mother.

That one.

[STUTTERS] I know.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Need any help?

No, sir, you
have done enough.

You have delivered
a child, so

from now on,
all the pain
will be mine.

Although, you know what?
If you could take this one.

It's biting me like
you wouldn't believe.

Hey, little sweetie,
here we are.

All right,
sweet darling,

welcome to your new home.

It's usually
neater.

Hi, how are you?

Look at all these
presents you got,

and that's just
for being born.

You wait till
you do something.

Wow.

What?

Just this, this,
the three of us.

Hmm.
We're here.

We're all here.

Yes, we are.

It's something, huh?

It is.

So, you're saying
we have a baby now?
Good god almighty.

Okay, you know what,
this is gonna be okay.

It is?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm sure it will.

[MURRY BARKS]
Hey, Murray.

Hey, Murray,
look, look, look.
Look who's here. Look.

A whole new person
for you to smell.

Murray, say hello to...

Possibly Julia?
Eh.

For my uncle Jules.

How about Lilly?

Lilly.
For my aunt Lolly.

Lilly, Lolly...
Oh, all right.

Murray, you have
a sister.

Look, sweetie.
What do you think
about that, huh?

[MURRAY WHINES]

[BABY CRYING]
Oh, oh, oh.

[IMITATING ALARM]
It's okay. What is it?

What is it?
What's the matter?

All right, you have
to stop doing that.

Sorry.
Why is she crying?

I couldn't tell you,
personally.

Okay, sweetie,
what is it?

Oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh.

What? What's...
Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Okay, okay.
What?

Aha!

Already they do that?

Yeah.
Okay, okay.

Oh, you know what, sweetie?
We got one of those
changing tables

you're supposed to use.
You put them right on
the changing table,

and then you don't
have to put the kid
right, right on the...

On the table, which is
probably not the...

Oh, okay, but
that table's good.

May I please have
another diaper...
Sure.

Some Destine, and
some baby wipes, please?

Coming right up.
Here we go.

I'm lookin... crackers?

Diaper, diaper,
diaper, diaper.

Oh, okay.

Diaper. Diaper.

Diaper.
Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

Maybe not the best trade
daddy ever made.

Didn't really think
this one all the way
through, did I?

I can't... you know,
uh, hold on one second.
I'll be right back.

All right. So,
the tape goes
in the front,

you would think, so
it stands to reason

that this
must be the front.

[SIGHS]So we'll put this
under here,

and we tape it down
on that side,

and we tape it down
on this side,

and we have,

and we have...
come here.

This is a total disaster.

May I have another
diaper, please?

That was the only diaper
they gave us, sweetie.

They sent us home
from the hospital
with one diaper?

Yes. Yes, it'll be okay.
It's okay.

Well, how's that?

Is that better?
[CRIES]

Oh, no, no, no.
That's a little
too tight. All right.

Gonna be right back.

Where are you going?
Incinerator.

First poop.

You must be
very proud.

Well, you know.

Hey, is that... is that?

My first husband, Hal.

Your first husband, Hal.

My first husband, Hal.

Both my husbands
have been called
Hal.

My second
husband Hal and I
have separated,

and my first
husband Hal and I
are rekindled.

All right?

Great. Well,
good for you.

Boy, you know,
you're like that woman
in the song, Henry the Eighth.

You know, she married
eight guys all named Henry.

Yes, I'm exactly
like that.

Would you mind joining me
in the living room, please?

Sure. Pardon.

They've had a child?

I'm afraid so.

Come on, stick.
Will you stick?

It's okay.

Bring me some tape.
Tape?

Don't judge me.
Just bring me some tape.

Okay.

What's the matter,
you never heard of
taping up a diaper before?

Oh, of course I have.

This is really hard.

Hey, I know.

Don't patronize me.
No, no, no.
No patronizing.

Hey, cutie.

I don't understand why
I'm having so much trouble.

It seemed so simple
at the hospital.

Well, you know what?

It's gonna be okay.
It is?

Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

How does this look?

That's... pssh.

Liar.
[DOORBELL BUZZER]

When she bends over,
everybody will think it's
the flag of Switzerland.

That's good.

Where is she?

Hey.
Hey, uncle Ira.

Say hi to uncle Ira.

Hello, sweetie.

Hi, Snooky.

Hi, muffin-face.

You got a name yet?

Kind of.
We're working on it.

Okay, swaddling.

"Place baby diagonally

With head above
folded corner."

They mean folded corner
or the pointy
folded corner?

Stop watching me.

Okay. Okay.

Kitchen.
Sure.

So, Paulie, I got
a gift for the baby.

Oh, you didn't
have to do that.

Whoa, whoa,
how much money
is in here?

Thousand bucks.

What is she,
Connie Corleone?

Where did you get this?

Well, I won a little bet.

On what?

Women's basketball.

Okay, you should
be in a meeting
all the time.

JAMIE: Help me!

What happened?

It's like a cruel riddle.
It's like some kind of
Rubik's cube.

Sweetie.
It cannot be done.
Do it.

Okay.
Get away.
Get away. Get away.

Ira, will you
swaddle my child?

Okay.
Get out of there.

Sweetie, it will be okay.

No, it won't. That is
such a bunch of crap about
how okay it's gonna be.

Okay.
Do you want to hear
a little secret?

As parents,
we may suck.

First of all,
can I just say I think
you're doing great?

You do not.
Yes, I do.

You do not!
Yes. Ira, don't I think
she's doing great?

Please don't
make me talk now.

Well isn't there
somebody we could call?

Like a guy,
a swaddling guy?

[BUZZER]

Who is it?

THERESA: Oh!
Oh, thank living god.

There's a great
swaddler right there.

Look how life provides.

Hi, Ira.

Theresa.
Hi.

Hi, sweetie!
Hi, mom.

Oh, honey.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?
Oh, I'm good.
I'm good.

How's the baby?
She's good.

Was the traffic bad?

No, it was very light.

Good.
You're...

Honey, I...
I can't breathe.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I brought you
some things.

A tuna casserole
and some diapers.

Oh, diapers and casserole,
my favorite.

Let's see her.

Ohh! [HIGH-PITCHED]

Will you look at that.

Oh, look.

Oh, hello, precious.

Hello, pumpkin.

Hello, sweet-cheeks.

No name?

Not at all.
I'm sorry,
we don't.

Interesting diaper.
I know.

You know, it's funny
you should say that,

because anything
you can do to show us

how to make it
less interesting
and more normal,

we would love that.
Oh, no.

No, no, no.

No!

Why not?

Because,
when I had you,

my mother
butted in, big-time,

and I swore
to myself that I would
never, ever, ever

be one of those
mothers who butts in.

No, no. Please butt in.
I need you to butt in.

I have no idea
what I'm doing.
Not a clue.

Hey!
I'm saying...

Well... all right,

but I'm not...
I am not going
to butt in.

I can pitch in,

but just
a very, very little.

That would be great.
Pitching in would be great.
[ALL TALKING]

Please, a little
pitching in.

Okay.

Ira, would you get
the changing table, please,

and bring it over here?
IRA: You got it.

Paul, I need some
baby wipes,
cotton balls,

and a dry washcloth.

Coming right up.
Oh, also some index cards
and a magic marker.

Let's see if grandma
can still cut it.

All right, sweetheart.

Here we go, darling.
Yes, here we go.

Okay. Now, the key
to diapering

is a simple
mnemonic device.

S-w-e-e-t.

Sweet.
Sweet.

"S", survey,

"W", wipe,

"E", entertain the baby,

coochie coochie, coochie.

While we "E", ease out
Mr. Old, dirty diaper.

"T", tie up
Mr. Old, dirty diaper.

♪ And send him
on his way ♪

How is it me again?

Now, it's time
for Mr. Clean diaper.

We are so glad
you're here, believe me.
This is such a,

somebody who's
done it, you know
what I mean?

Sweet.
S-w-e-e-t.

Yes. You may want
to write that down.

Hey, that's what
I'm doing.

Okay, now,
swaddling is simple,

just think of
the word "Tuba."

Tuck under both arms.

This is just brilliant.

Look at that.
"Tuba."

All right,
here we go, sweetheart.

Now it's time to discuss
the crib placement.

Mom, I'm so thrilled
with my "Sweet"
and my "Tuba,"

I'm just gonna
perfect that for a while.

Oh, well, all right, honey.
I'm gonna go wash
my hands again.

Remember, always wash
your hands and often.

Awyhaof.

What?

Aw... aw... awyhaof.
Awyhaof. Awyhaof.

No, honey, that
was just talking.

Oh, that's not a thing.
Okay, all right.

Honey, would you
help me, please,
with this?

[BUZZER]

Who's that?

It's me, Burt!

Burt Buchman,
your father.

DEBBIE: And
Joan and Debbie.

Come in, family of ours.

Ira. Hello.

[BURT EXCITED]

Oh, there she is.

Oh ho ho, doll-face.

Oh, hello, sugar.

Hello... there.

No name yet?
BOTH: We don't have
a name.

You know,
they got books now.
We're gonna look them over.

We brought you
a tuna casserole.

Great.
You like tuna casserole?

Apparently tremendously.

[INTERCOM BEEPS]
Who's this?

Your mother.
She's down
in the lobby.

What's she doing
down in the lobby?

SYLVIA: Hello.
Can anyone hear me?

Yeah, ma...
I'm in the lobby.

Can anyone hear me?

Why don't you just come up?

I have what I believe to be
the beginnings of a cold,

and I don't want to get
the baby sick.

That's very considerate
of you, Sylvia.

Oh, not at all.
I'm just so glad
to be here...

In the lobby.

Later, Burt will describe
my grandchild to me.

Burt, did you give them
the casserole and the book?

Oh, oh! Yeah. Yeah.

What is this more tuna?

Why don't we put these in
the fridge?

Yeah, you know what,
put it next to its friends,
the other casseroles.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

I'm coming. Yeah?

Listen, tape down
the button so I can hear.

Want me to tape it?

Sure, okay, ma.

Can I say hello
to the baby?

Sure.

Hold her up to
the microphone
so she can hear me.

Oh, you know, she's,
she can hear you.

She can hear you, ma,
believe me. Babies in Japan
can hear you.

Hold her up to
the microphone!

I'm holding her!
I'm holding.

Burt, is he
holding her up?

Uh-huh.

Fine, leave her
in the bassinet.

How does she do that?

Hello, sweet girl.

Hello, my beautiful girl.

Hello, sweet girl

whose parents
should stop fooling around
and pick a name already.

We're trying.
We're still
working on it, ma.

Murray, what
are you doing
down there?

[MURRAY SNARLS]

Murray, it's me, Burt,

Burt Buchman,

Paul's father.
[MURRAY SNARLS AGAIN]

What's the matter
with him?

He's sulking or something.

He's scared
of the baby.

Murray...
[SNARLS]

Some nut!

Oh, hi, Burt.
Hello. Hello.
[PLAYFUL CHUCKLE]

Honey, is this
a good time now?

Good time to...
To discuss
crib placement

and its impact on her IQ.

Jamie.
Oh, hello.

Hi.
Hi.

Look who's here.
It's the gals.

You know, I think
it's just wonderful

how the two of you
are sticking with it.

Jamie, we need
a refrigerator
allocation discussion.

This cottage cheese,
sentimental value?

We were
wondering 'cause
it's blue now.

Okay. I'll be right there.

Will you excuse me
for one second.

If it would
help, I could
eat something.

Try the casserole.

I'm gonna go.

What do you mean?
No, no, no, no,
where you going now?

Oh, Jamie doesn't
want me here.

SYLVIA: You know,
excuse... hello!

Listen, uh,
I'd like to make
a suggestion.

Ma, hang on one second.

Believe me.
She really does.
I swear to you.

You know, I went through
a similar thing
with my mother.

Yeah, okay, ma, you know,
it's hard to hear you now,

because I can't...
you're breaking up.

I found that if I just...
[INTERCOM STOPS]

Jamie very much
wants you here.

No, she doesn't.
She's just
being polite.

Not true.

Paul, she's got you.
You know what to do.

Ah! [CHUCKLES]

Come on, you're
a natural father.

Oh, no, no, no.

Well, you can
become a natural.

I don't think... no.

You got all these books.
You can read books.

Yeah, but the books,
it's not...

They have pictures.

Even the pic... no.
Pretty pictures.

Between you and Jamie,
you can take,

Jamie is... [MUTTERS]

So, you want me to stay?

[APPROVING GRUNT]

I'll stay.

[FLOORBOARD CREAKS]

Uhh! [STARTLED]

Oh, good.
You're up.

Hi. Nice
to see you.

Is everything okay?

It's fine.
Time to feed the baby.

What?

Time to feed the baby.

You have to feed her
every and / hours.

In other words, now,
so up and at 'em.

No, no, no,
mom, whoa.
I was gonna

feed her every four hours
or when she cries,

you know,
every two or three, some...

If you want your baby to
have to cry for her meals.

I don't want her
to have to cry.

Well, the crying
is about to begin,
so it's up to you.

Okay. Okay.

So we're up,
we're up,
we're up.

We're up.

Oh, we're gonna go
over here to mommy
now, yes.

Oh-ho.

Oh, my god,
she's beautiful.

Honey, honey,
you don't want her
to just take the nipple.

You want her to take
the entire areola.

I know. I know.

She's just
the most beautiful...
Ow!

She's like
a little angel... ow!

Look at her.

What a thing, huh?

What a thing
this is.

Man, I'm hungry.

How we doing?

Just love this
so much.

Hey, little baby.

Trade you?

Okey-dokey.
That's enough.

Oh, uh, mom, I think
she's still hungry.

Honey, honey, no,
no, that's enough.
Come on.

Okay, sweetie.

Okay.

All right, sweetie.
Okay.

Okay, honey.

You got her?
Yeah.

All right. Now, Paul.
Hmm?

After the meal comes?

Pie?

Burping.
Burping. Good. Yeah.

I knew that one, too.

Now, the best way
to burp, darling is,

put her on your lap,

and here's how
you remember it,

gently rub, evenly pat,
securely held

Or "Greps."

Okay. Right there,
that's my favorite
one so far.

I think I'm just
gonna burp her
on my shoulder.

Uh, that would
be unfortunate.

Well, I think it's
a perfectly good way
to do it.

Well, yes,
unless you'd like her
to actually burp.

Mom, I'm gonna
burp my child
on my shoulder, okay?

Oh ho. Fine.
[SARCASTICALLY]

Fine. Hmm?

Here we go.

Oh, now don't you
mutter at me, missy.

If it were up
to me, I wouldn't
even be here,

but when
I wanted to leave
a long time ago,

your husband wouldn't
let me out the door.

Is that true?

Excuse us.

You know what,
sweetie? Can I...
you know what?

Stay.

Hi, Sylvia.

Oh, my god.

I don't want the baby
to catch my cold.

I can't believe
you're still here.

Sweetie, look.

Look.

There's your grandma.

Oh, my goodness.
She's so beautiful.

I can go home now.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

No,

I mean,

thank you.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry.
Just say it.

I'm saying
I'm very sorry.

Just, say, you're scared
I'm not gonna be
a good mother.

That's not even true.

You know you wanna say it.

You're not supposed
to be it yet.

What?

Nothing.
Good?

Yeah.
Aha.

Okay, you happy now?
Uh-huh.

Good.
So now what?

So now I, you know,

I tell your mother
to go home.

What?

I'm gonna go upstairs, and
I'll say, "Listen, we don't need
you. We're fine. Go home."

And then what?

Then she goes home.

And then what?

Then we're in charge.

What, are you
kidding me?

She's the only person
in this house

with any clue how to care
for a human life.

Yeah, okay,
right now, but...

I cannot even get
this child to burp.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Hey, she'll burp.

Any luck?

No, not yet.

I know.

You, you know...
you know... you know
what it's like... [STUTTERS]

Okay. You know...
you know, okay.

Okay. Okay.
Perfect. Okay. Okay.

You know,
you know how...

Honey, before
you pull something.

Mom, I think
you can go home now.

Really?
Yeah.

You want me
to go?

Mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm.

Oh, I just wish I could be sure
you'd be all right without me.

Well, we can't...

[BURPS]

I'll leave
in the morning.

[BURPS]

What a little
goddess you are.

Boy, even I feel better now.

Ah, hold the lift.

Hello.
Hello.

Hello.

Is that the child?

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

What's its name?

They don't know yet.

Ah.

Coochie coochie
coochie coo.

[BURPS]

Well, good night, then.

Oh, I've got
a couple more mnemonics.

Maybe I could
give them to you now?

Sure, mom.
Good.

Now, as to the temperature
of the room she sleeps in,

remember, cooler
really is better.

"Crib."

And the most important
one of all.

Whenever you
go anywhere, no matter
what you're packing,

just remember, mothers
always bring extra love.

Ma-bel. Okay.

Ma-bel.

Mabel.
Mabel.

Oh, I like that.

I love that.

Gosh, that wasn't
so difficult.

And so, we are thrilled
and excited to tell you,

that after an exhaustive
search, we have finally
named our child.

Well, there we go.

We would like you
all to meet...

Mabel.

[SNIFFS]

Oh.
[SNIFFS]

Whew.

[BOTH SNIFFING]

Hey, eureka.

There you go.