06x03 - Speed Baby

[bunniefuu]

[LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Trick or treat.

How old are you?

Seven.

What are you supposed
to be dressed up as?

An adult.

It's... Good costume.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[BABY CRYING]

♪ Go to sleep,
go to sleep

♪ Go to sleep,
little baby

♪ Go to sleep,
go to sleep

♪ Go to sleep,
for cryin' out loud ♪

Can't remember a time
we weren't putting
this baby to bed.

Okay, okay...
[SHUSHES]

Come on, Mable,
sweety.

[SHUSHES]
Okay, come on, honey.

Thousand o'clock. Come on.

[SIGHS]

You know, I got
that big meeting
in the morning.

Uh-huh.
I told you about
that meeting with Ira.

We're meeting
the Belgians.
Yeah.

Yeah, they might
distribute our film.

Mm-hmm.

Big meeting,
you know.

Big meeting.

I have to be fresh
and rested f--

All right,
what are you saying?

I'm saying would it be
completely wrong
if I asked briefly,

can I possibly sleep
for a little while,

while maybe,
for a little while,

you took the baby
in the other room,
the two of you?

Wrong.
Probably wrong.

Yeah. Okay.

Forget I asked.
Ohh...

In the meantime, can
I just say one thing?

We're not getting
a nanny.

Okay, A, how do you
know that's what
I was gonna say?

And...And
Two, why? Why?

Because I don't want
my child being raised
by an intermediary.

I'm not talking
about raising,
just holding...

In the other room
for a little while.

Give me another song.

What?
Another song.

I want you to sing her
another song.

I don't have any more songs.
I'm totally out of songs.

I got Louie, Louie

and The Lion
Sleeps Tonight.

Good. The Lion
Sleeps Tonight.

Seriously?
Sing to
your daughter!

♪ Ah wimoweh, ah wimoweh

♪ Ah wimoweh, ah wimoweh

♪ Ah wimoweh, ah wimoweh

♪ Ah wimoweh, ah wimoweh

♪ In the jungle

♪ The mighty jungle

♪ The lion sleeps tonight

♪ Ooh-wheee-- ♪
[MABEL WAILS]

See what happens?

Here. Get over here.
Take her. Take her.
Okay.

I'm calling
the doctor.

Oh, he's such
a great singer?

I'm worried. She's
never done this before.

Sweetie, granted
I'm just a layman here,

but my understanding
is that babies often
cry quite a lot.

Not like this.
She's not hungry,
she's not gassy,

she doesn't have a rash.
I'm calling the doctor.

She's got
the appointment
tomorrow anyway.

Good. We'll be early.

Okay.

What? What is your problem
with calling the doctor?

Honey, listen, if that's
the first impression
you want to make...

What?

It's just...

You know, here we are,

this is the first time
we're calling him,
in the middle of the night

for basically
a marginal--

First of all,
it's not marg--
[MABEL STARTS WAILING]

Bounce her,
bounce her,
bounce her.

Second of all,
I don't care

what kind of
impression
we make.

We were very lucky
to get this guy.

He's only seeing us
as a favor to Joan.

Most of his patients are
big, fancy, famous people.

I don't care how
big and fancy he is.
All right.

I don't care who his
famous patients are.
Fair enough.

Who are they?
What?

His famous patients.

All right.
Rosie O'Donnell,

Donald Tr*mp,

Sinead O'Connor.

Wow.
Exactly.

Well, who are we
to call this guy?

[MABEL WAILING]

All right, that's it.
I'm calling the doctor.

Honey, hon--
He's our doctor.

It's his job.

Betcha Sinead O'Connor
was no treat.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello. Don Kekitch.
Dr. Kekitch,

this is Jamie Buchman calling.

I'm one of your
new patients.

We're actually
seeing you tomorrow
for the first time.

Our daughter Mabel woke up
about two hours ago,

and she's crying,
and she hasn't stopped.

She's not warm,
she's not listless,
her color is good.

Sort of a very light
aubergine.

Hello?

So we're just gonna
bring her over now
if that's okay?

Mrs. Buchman,
it seems like you've
covered all the bases.

So, why don't you
just bring her into
the office tomorrow,

and we'll have a look.

So we're gonna bring her
over now if that's okay?

I understand
your concern,
Mrs. Buchman,

but I think
it'll be just fine

if you bring her in
tomorrow and
we check her out.

Okay, so we're gonna
bring her over now
if that's okay?

You know what?
Why don't you bring
her over right now?

Okay. If that's
what you think.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Joan?
Don kekitch.

Oh, hi, Don,
everything okay?

Paul and Jamie Buchman
are bringing their baby in.

Why?No reason.
The baby's fine.

She's just crying,
and they're wildly
overreacting is all.

Oh...

I just wanted to
thank you so very much
for the referral.

I'm sorry.
Night now.

Good night.

What's up?
Oh, it's nothing.

Paul and Jamie are
just taking the baby
to the doctor.

What? Why?
What's happened?
Oh, it's nothing.

Nothing. No, no,
she's crying,

and they're just
flipping out
a little.

Well, is she okay?
How do you know
she's okay?

Deb, believe me--
I'm calling them.

What's the difference?
They're up.

[LINE RINGING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

What's wrong?

What's wrong
with the baby?

Ma?
Debbie?

Oh, my God, I must've
pushed the wrong
speed-dial button.

What's wrong
with the baby?

Nothing. Why would you
think something's wrong
with the baby?

I never got good news
after : at night.

What's wrong
with the baby?

Nothing. She's,
she's crying a little.

Oh, my God.
Ma...

Oh, my God. Ma!

You know what
this means?
What?

I can only imagine.

[DIAL TONE]
Ma? Ohh!

[MABEL CRYING]
All right,
how do I look?

You look fine. Why?

Ah, I don't want
to look too fine.

You know, you wake up a doctor
in the middle of the night,

you want to look
a little bedraggled
and disheveled.

You look bedraggled
and disheveled.

Aah, you're just
saying that.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[LINE RINGING]

Burt, get up.

Why?
We're going
to the kids'.

Why?
Because we have to.

Okay.

[BUSY SIGNAL]
Ma, get off
the phone.

What are you doing?

I got mom all upset.

What now?
I'm going to
my parents'.

One baby cries,
and the whole world
gets woken up?

My mother will
die of worry.

She will go back
to sleep.

[SCOFFS] Not after
hearing news like this.

News like what?
She can only imagine.

[MABEL CRYING]

Okay, oh, okay.

east th street,
please.

Remember all the other
times in my life I said
I was tired?

Yeah.
I was a big sissy.

You know, some nannies
will actually go with you

in the middle
of the night
to the doctor,

so one of the parents
could get some sleep.

Would you really
rather be sleeping?

Yes.

Really?
Yes.

Really?

No.

Hey, look at that.

Hey! She stopped crying!

Good, sweet girl.

Good, sweet girl.

[MABEL WAILS]

Sweet girl.

[DOORBELL BUZZING INCESSANTLY]

Paul? Jamie?

Are you here?

It's us!

Your parents!

Burt and Sylvia Buchman.

Oh, my God.

Is anybody here?

[BARKING]
Oh, Murray.

Murray!

Where did they go?

Tell us, boy.

Tell us
where they went.

Thank you very much.

What are you doing?

Gonna find out
where they went.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Deb?
Who?

Hello?
Joan.

Mom?
I'm not ready for you
to call me that.

Okay.

Where are they?Who?

Paul and Jamie.

They went to
the doctor's.

Oh! I knew it. But it's nothing.

Oh, my God.

The baby was crying
a little, and they're
just overreacting.

In this family,
we do not overreact!

Okay.

Where's the doctor?

Sylvia, I really don't--

Where's their doctor?

All right...Okay.

DEBBIE: Mom? Dad?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

It's Deb! Hello.

[PHONE BEEPING]
Oh, boy.

Okay.

We...

Are going...

To the doctor.

The Doctor!

Why don't you
tell him
one more time?

The doctor!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[LINE RINGING]

Oh, boy.

Okay.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello.
They're not here.

Mom?

It's Deb.
Oh.

I'm not ready for you
to call her that.

Okay.

They're not here. I know. She called.

They went to the doctor's.

Where's their doctor?Oh, Deb,
I really don't--

Where is their doctor?
All right.

Look at that.
She stopped crying.

It's movement.

It's movement.
When the cab was
moving, she slept.

When it stopped,
she started crying.

Now in the elevator
it's the same thing.

So she just needs movement.

Actually,
I've read about this.
This is very common.

We've just got to
keep her moving.

Yeah.
For the rest
of our lives.

No, no. Just for ten minutes
or so. That's all it takes.

We're at the
doctor's office now.

We don't need him
anymore.

I know.

If we see him now,
we'll make a horrible
first impression.

Yes, I know.
He's a big
famous guy.

That's right.
What are we gonna do?

[DINGS]

[MABEL CRYING]

Are you the Buchmans?

No.
No.

[MABEL CRYING]

Oh, okay.

See, now that,
to me,

was not a good
first impression.

He'll never
remember us.

Especially if you
send the nanny
tomorrow.

What nanny?
Aha.

Hey. Hey, look at that.

It's just a miracle.

It really is.

All right, so you know
what, ten minutes here,
quick cab home,

I still get three hours
before the Belgians.

Oh, my God,
someone just pushed .

Oh, honey, if
this thing stops...

I know.
She's gonna cry.

All right, all right.
Stand back.

[BEEPING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[CLAPS]

Hello?

Hi. When your parents
lived on Columbus Avenue,

what did we used to do
to make the elevator
skip floors?

Pauly, what?

It's for the baby.

Okay, okay,
open the panel.

Okay, I got it.
Got it.

You should see
two buttons,

a red express button
and a blue local button.
Got 'em.

Push the red button.

Got it.
Not the blue button.

I didn't push
the blue button.

Pauly, whatever you do,
do not push that
blue button.

I'm not pushing
the blue button.
You were very clear.

Stop telling me not
to push the blue button.

IRA: All right.
That should do it.

Oh, my God,
oh, my God.

Yes!
Yes!

Congratulations.

You're on the express

from the roof to the lobby.

You are a genius.
Go back to sleep.

[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, right.

Okay, how cool am I?

You are very cool.

How long have we been
in the elevator?

We have been here exactly
a minute and seconds.

Oh, that's too bad.
Why?

[DINGS]
Because we've
reached the lobby.

[MABEL WAILING]

Oh, okay. Oh, no.

There's gotta be
a sure-fire way of
keeping her moving.

Like what?

Is she sleeping?
She sure is.

All right,
how smart am I?
Pretty smart.

See? Little jaunt, go home
and a half hours
before the Belgians.

That's right.
Okay, one problem.

What's the matter?
I'm gonna pass out.

Oh, honey...

Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.

I'm all right.
[MABEL CRYING]

How much did we
miss it by?

Nine minutes
and seconds.

[GASPING] Okay.
All right, okay.
Aww.

Hey.
Huh?

A health club.

I understand.
I will work out, I swear.

No, no, no.
I got an idea.

You are a genius.

Honey--
Believe me, I never would've
thought of this.

This is so smart of you.

Sweetie, when I said--
Although you know what?
I gotta say,

in the final analysis,
it's kind of funny 'cause,

this is not all so different
than the street.

[PANTS] Oh, man.

I got the lungs of
sir Walter Raleigh.

Honey.
What?

That would work.

Look at all the doctors.

It's a medical building.

But still.

Push .

Ma, wait!
Debbie?

What are you
doing?
Are you coming?

Ma, you don't have to
make yourself crazy--

Okay, up we go.

What do you think is
wrong with the baby?

[SIGHS] Ma, there is
no right answer
to that question.

So I won't honor it
with some speculation

that will only
torment everyone.

Could be a fever.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

[DINGS]

What are we doing
on the roof?

What kind of wacky
doctor is this?

How much time left?

Uh, four minutes.

We're gonna make it,
we are gonna make it.

Excuse me.
I need the treadmill,
if you don't mind.

Oh, oh, you know, uh,

if you could just
wait like four minutes,
we'd really appreciate it.

Sorry. No can do.

You can't wait
four minutes?

Nope. Gotta go.

Gotta keep
this heart rate up.

Very important,
heart rate.

Uh...Yeah, we've got
a little baby,

also important.

Heart rate.

Baby.
Heart rate.

Little baby.

Are you members?

Are you?

Um, we're, like,
um, trial members.

You know,
we're trying it out.

Like "first month free"
kind of...

We're inspect--inspect--

You know,
just looking it over.

Repeat after me,
"Yes, we're members.

"Wanna make something of it?"

[MABEL CRIES]
Okay.

Now what are we
gonna do?

All right, stand back.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Taxi!

What do you suppose
happened to Al Losalvo?

What?

Well, look,
year after year,

Al Losalvo signed
the inspection certificate.

Then suddenly, boom,
[SNAPS FINGER]

Lloyd Cunningham.

[DINGS]

DEBBIE: How did we get
in the lobby?

I don't like
this building.

Ooh, are you
Dr. Kekitch?

Yes.
We're the Buchmans.

You are?

Uh-huh.
I'm their daughter.

I see your crying
has stopped.

[MABEL WAILING]

Excuse me, could
your kid cry louder

and, like, even
closer to my head?

Okay, sir...

We--
I know, I know.

Baby on board,
drive carefully.

Go really slow,

avoid sharp turns,

don't hit any potholes,

and there's a couple
of bucks in it for me.

Blah, blah, blah.

Actually,
uh, no.

What we need is for you
to just drive

for ten minutes
without stopping.

Really?
That's the only way
she'll stay asleep.

Huh?

Can you do this?

Can you keep
this baby rolling

for minutes
without stopping?

Are you our man?

[CAPTIVATING MUSIC PLAYING]

Welcome to cab
number KB .

Looks like we've
got our answer.

Oh, yeah.

Great.

What's your name?

Keanu.

Pleased to meet you.

Hey...
♪ It's working

It sure is.

All right. So...

Nine more minutes
in here,
[SIRENS APPROACHING]

home, and I still get
a hearty little catnap
before the Belgians.

Oh, man.
What's the matter?

Fire truck, dude.
I gotta pull
to the side.

Ohh...

Do you, really?

It's just a fire.

Well, actually,
there is one other
thing I could do.

What's that?

[TIRES SCREECHING]

That was very
nicely done, Keanu.

I'm gonna go back
later and pick up
my liver.

Thanks, Keanu.

No problem.

All right, okay,
here we go.

All right,
eight minutes to go.

Clear sailing.
Good, good.
[SIREN WAILS]

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

I'm runnin'
the dude.

You're gonna what? What?

I'm running him.
I'm not stopping.

Oh, Keanu, really?
Many thanks.

I think that's above and
beyond the call of duty.

Hey, you got a little
munchkin back there that
needs to get some sleep.

Boy, do I.
I have this
meeting tomorrow.

The baby, dude!

Yes, of course. Yes.

All right,
how much time?

Uh, seven Minutes.

♪ Stay asleep

♪ Stay asleep

♪ Stay asleep,
little baby ♪

Hi, room , please.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[BELGIAN ACCENT]
'Allo.
Hey,

Bruno, how ya doin'?

This is Ira buchman.
Listen,

my partner's kid
is having a really
bad night, see?

And because of that,
like, half the universe
is awake, right, so...

[CHUCKLES] I didn't know
whether to call you now

and cancel the meeting
or wait till you woke up
and cancel the meeting,

'Cause, you know, I know
how you Belgians are
about your sleep...

So, you know,
I thought I'd call now.

I hope that's okay.

But of course.

All right. Good.

You go back
to sleep.

Sure.
No problem.

[SIREN BLARING]

Oh, he doesn't look
very happy.

No, what's the matter,
officer dude?

Amazed that, like,
the world didn't end

'cause you turned on
your big ol' roof lights?

You know, Keanu,
in my own life, personally,

I've had very few brushes
with the law.

How much time left?

Two Minutes.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[BABY CRYING]

'Allo.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

How much time?
seconds.

We may make it.

I just wanna say
right now, okay,

like, no matter how many
millions of points
this is on my license...

I really love you guys.

Oh, well, we feel very close
to you, too, you know.
We've been--

And time!

Okay, Keanu,
you can pull over,
Dude.

[TIRES SCREECHES]

Success.
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

Great.
Cool.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Can I see your license
and registration--

ALL: Shh!

Boy, that was a very
understanding cop.

Hey, he has kids.

I'm not brushing
my teeth again.

[MUMBLING AND YAWNING]

[MUMBLING]

Good night.
That is correct.

[DOORBELL BUZZING]
[SHOUTING]

Hello?
Paul!

Hello?
Jamie!

[MABEL CRYING]

[BABY CRYING]

[LINE RINGING]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[LINE RINGING]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[TELEPHONE NUMBER
BEING DIALED]

[LINE RINGING]

MAN: Hello, Saturn.
What's wrong with the baby?

MAN: In Front.

[BABY CRYING]

[LINE RINGING]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[LINE RINGING]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

MAN: Hello, Saturn.
What's wrong with the baby?