06x05 - Moody Blues

[bunniefuu]

PAUL: Oh.
Who's that? Hmm?

Who's it in that picture?

Is it Las Vegas legend
Buddy Hackett?

No.

It's you!

Look at that!

It's you. It's future
phi beta kappa,

Nobel laureate,
Pulitzer prize-winning,

President of
the United States
Mabel Buchman.

What do you
think of that?

I'm gonna do it.
What's that?

The photo album,
I'm gonna do it.

Who said you weren't?

So quit hocking me.

Okay.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. Just
really dreading

going to this
play tonight.

Ah, come on,
it's for charity.

All right, stop it.
Please stop saying
it's for charity

like that puts
some happy face
on it.

Okay.

I'm having
a hair problem.

I'm having
a clothing problem,

because suddenly
I'm shaped like
a Dr. Seuss character.

So I'm not dying
to be seen in public
right now.

All right, you know,
sweetie,

it's gonna be
three painless hours.

It's Pirates of Penzance
performed by your parents.

Three Excruciating hours,
but look at it this way,

you'll get to enjoy
the magnificent
stage direction

of your husband.

I don't know why
you put yourself
through it.

Because I'm
very charitable.

And you know what?
In fact, I got
the final rehearsal

in half an hour,
so if you don't--

Oh, God!
What are you doing?

Oh, God.

What are you doing?

I'm editing.

Honey, honey,
these-- these--

Is this really
what I looked like
in the hospital?

Not at all. No.

Not at all?

No. No, that--
first of all,

that's a crappy lens
I was using.

And the lighting was--
it was terrible.

And, you know,
the hospital gowns,

they give you that
little horizontal pattern?

You don't recognize it
but in photographs,

it brings your eye

side to side to side
to side to side.

You are charitable.

Sure.

Oh, sweetie, come on,
don't--don't tear
the pictures.

Do you really want to
tear up all your memories?

Look at the ass
on me there.

Look.
Look at that one. Ugh.

I look like one of
those little dolls

with the hair
that sticks,

you know, you
play with them
for good luck.

What is wrong
with my brain?

There's nothing wrong
with your brain.

Where's my book?
What book?

The book I was reading
when I went into labor,

with the bridges,

the frisky lady
on the farm.

With the bridges and--

I got no brain!

Can I-- Can I just
say something?

Where the hell is Fran?

Do you remember
what Sheila said?

A lot of new moms,
you know, it's very common

to have a sort of
a postpartum depression.

Stop it! Stop it
right there.

Kindly do not reduce me

to some dime-store
psychological cliche.

No, I'm not.
I'm just say--

Postpartum depression
is about unhappiness,

mood swings, anxiety,
and weepiness, okay?

I see your point.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Trolls!
What?

The--with the--

Trolls. Trolls.
Good for you.

Look at that,
sweetie, huh?
Hey.

Come in for, like,
hours, would you?

Everything okay?

Well, I have
nothing to read

during my
hair appointment,

which, what's the point?
Ever since Arturo left,

I should've just bought
a big, stupid hat

and sewn it to my head.

Okay, here's what
you don't know.

Arturo's back.

What?
He is back, baby.

Yeah, but I'm not
gonna see him.

I'm seeing Julio,
the butcher.

I switched you.

How did you do that?

I'm a mover
and a shaker,

so I moved in,
and I shook.

I love you!
I know.

Oh, I love you!

Good.

You!
I love you!

I love everybody.

Okay, you should go.
I'm on Mabel duty.

Mabel.
I love Mabel.

Sure, you do.

Hey, my book.

Now,
look at that.

This is gonna be
a good day.

You bet it is.

Postpartum depression.
Pah.

Pah!

♪ Hold, monsters

♪ Ere your
pirate caravans proceed

Paul was right
to choose her
and not me.

What an instrument.

What?
Nothing.

Mrs. Buchman,

may I see you
for a moment, please?

Would you let it go
already about not
getting the part?

I don't even know
what you're
talking about.

She's doing her best.

She doesn't need
to be heckled by
her own handmaidens.

Fine.

Thank you very much.

Sorry, everybody.

All right,
Mrs. Sass, please.

[PIANO PLAYING]

♪ Hold, monsters

♪ Ere your
pirate caravans proceed

♪ Against our will

♪ To wed us all

♪ Just bear in mind

♪ That we are wards in chancery

♪And father is a major-general

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I am the very model

♪ Of a modern
major-general

♪ I've information
vegetable, animal, and...

What do I say?

Already you're lost?

You got , words
coming up here.

[PIANO PLAYS VERY LOUDLY]

It's, uh...

Hold on a second.

Mr. Edlin, Mr. Edlin.

Um...

Okay.

You come out,
you say,

♪ I've information,
vegetable,

♪Animal and mineral

Mineral!

Of course.

All right.

Here we go.

[PLAYS PIANO]

♪ I am the very model

♪ Of a modern
major-general

♪ I've information
vegetable, animal

♪ And mineral

♪ I know the kings
of England

♪ And I quote
the fights hysterical

Whoa, whoa,
hold on, hold on, Pop.

Let me just correct
you there a second.

What is it now?
Sorry to bother
you again.

Hang on a second.

[PIANO PLAYS VERY LOUDLY]

It's, uh...

It's "fights historical,"
not "fights hysterical."

Really?
Yeah.

Oh, I think
it should be
"hysterical."

What are you
talking about?

Well, you're in a fight,
you're running around,

you're stabbing people.

You're hysterical!

You make a very
good point.

Mr. Edlin,
anti-exertion, please?

Thank you.

Ahh, how are
my two beauties?

Wonderful, Arturo.
I can't wait for you
to fix me up,

you genius, you.

Jamie, I am not
a genius.

I merely liberate
the beauty that is
already within you.

[GIGGLES]

Okay,
be more charming.

No, it's true.

I cannot help but
see the gorgeousness

whether you're
a young sapling

Just starting out
in life,

or a maturing oak,

whose leaves are
beginning to turn.

Arturo.

I walk away.

This is my
practice hair.

I'm sorry?

For my wedding.

My boyfriend--

My fiancé Russell and I
are getting married.

Congratulations.

We're very happy.

Good for you.

Are you married?

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

I'm married.

You betcha.

Mm-hmm.

And he's great.
He really is.

He tries.

Especially
with the kid.

Oh, he cleans up
a mess or two,

Here and there,

and I'm supposed
to give him
a standing ovation.

Thank you.
Oh, thank you!

While I'm stuck here
all day cleaning up
projectile everything,

but you, go, go,

Off to work
on your film,

putting together
the oldest possible cast

Of pirates of penzance.

Mmm, gotta go,
it's for charity.

See you later.

So I get
half an hour here,

before I have to
race home

so that his daughter
can actually suck on me.

Fifteen times a day.

I don't have
enough energy
to use a q-tip,

let alone put together
a photo album,

featuring me
and my magic stomach.

Your body? Ho ho.
No, no. That's over.

That's just gone forever,
which is fine, actually,

'cause it's not like
you ever want him to
touch you again anyway.

I'd just as soon
s*ab his eyes out
with a shrimp fork.

How many bridesmaids
you having?

[PIANO PLAYS]

♪ I am the very model

♪ Of a modern
major-general

♪ I've information
vegetable, animal

♪ And mineral

♪ I know the kings
of England

♪ And I quote
the fights historical

♪ From marathon
to waterloo

♪ In order categorical

Good, Pop.

I know!
I can't believe it.

Tell me later.

Um...

♪ I'm very
well-acquainted, too

♪ With matters
mathematical

♪ I understand equations

♪ Both the simple
and quadratical

♪ About binomial theorem

♪ I am teeming
with a lot of news

♪ With many
cheerful facts

♪ About the square
of the hypotenuse

[ALL SINGING]
♪ With many cheerful facts

♪ About the square
of the hypotenuse ♪

Good. That was good.
That was great, Pop.

That was very good.

Hang on one second.

One little--
hang on one second.

One little thing--
hold it just one second.

[PIANO CONTINUES TO PLAY]

You're supposed to be--

Mr. Edlin!

Thank you, thank you.

Sorry.

When you get to
"lot o' news,"

you can't find a word
that rhymes right away.

What you want to do
is think about it--

♪ A lot o' news ♪

♪ A lot o' news ♪

Like in your mind
you're thinking,

what rhymes
with "lot o' news"?

Then you realize-- ♪ hypotenuse ♪

But I don't have to
think about it.

The guy who wrote it
had to think about it.

Of course, yes.
But in the story,

the idea is that
the character
is making it up

As he goes along,
so he's got to
think about it.

That's it.
That's why.
Come on.

That's what it is.

What do you know?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

But you did great.
You're just doing great.

Pirates, very spirited.
Really very good.

And maidens, just...

Demure and yet fetching.

PAUL: Yes.

It's wonderful.
I'll tell you,

I, for one,
I smell a hit, people.

PAUL: Wow, that's
a great haircut.

I left
before the haircut.

Well... Okay.

So, guess what I did
on the way home.

I stopped off to see
old friends of ours.

Ben and jerry!

Yes!

Hello, boys,
how you been?

Yeah.

The world's
best vanilla.

Oh, you really are.

Yes!

Chubby hubby.

And yet I bought it.

You are a good man.

I understand.
All right, so
listen to this.

We get through
the first act

in a blazing
five and a half hours.

All right,
so I'm thrilled,

I'm delighted.

I'm leaving you
for Ben. I hope
you understand.

Fine. So then, Mrs. Sass,
the ingenue in the piece,

she gets a phone call.

She comes back
from the phone call.

She says, "I have to
quit the show."

She quits four hours
before the curtain.
You believe this?

So, I don't know,
some cockamamie thing

about her daughter
who canceled her wedding

because she was
in a beauty parlor,

and some lunatic woman.
I don't know.

said something to her.

I mean, it's like
the craziest thing
you ever heard.

You gotta be
kidding me.

So now I gotta
eat some ice cream,

I gotta run back,
I gotta beg my mother
to do the part.

That's gonna be
another mallet
to the kneecap

of an already
limping production.

Aw, sweetie, it's okay.
It's just a play.

What, you're
slowing down on your
chubby hubby there.

What's the matter?

I don't deserve
chubby hubby.

Sure you do.
Hey, try some of this.

I don't deserve
the world's
best vanilla.

Yeah, sure you--
Why, because
of the calories?

No, because
I'm a bad person.

What's that
supposed to mean
about the calories?

No, no, nothing.
I knew it was because
you were a bad person.

Give me that.

I wasn't
actually finished.

It's , calories.

This stuff is
eating me alive!

You know what?

Who needs it?
I don't need it.

Okay.

I have to
get out of here.

Let's go in
the living room, huh?

Raise Mabel well,
and tell her a lot
of stories about me.

What are you
talking about?

I like you.
You're a nice man.
You really are.

I'm sorry it
didn't work out.
I blame myself.

There's $ hidden
in the Al Franken book.

Listen, you cannot
walk out the door.

Ha.

Honey, honey, let me
just say I'm sorry.

I'm really--
I'm very sorry.

About what?

See, that
I couldn't tell you.
Good-bye.

You can't--
you can't leave.

You're a mother now.

I'm a lunatic.
I'm a loose cannon.

Trust me, everybody
will be better off.

You're not a lunatic.

Listen, you are
the heart and soul
of this operation.

You're the backbone.
You cannot leave.

You're right.
Get out.

What?

Go on, b*at it.

I'm sick of
the sight of you.

Hey, look what
some psycho did.

This stuff's
like $ . a carton.

Uh-oh.

BURT: A, e, ah, oh, ooh.

A, e, ah, oh, ooh.

A, e, ah, oh--

You okay, Pop?

I'm okay.
I'm just doing
my vocal exercise.

You know,
the vowel sounds.
Good.

A, e, ah, oh, ooh.

And sometimes "y."

"Y."

All right,
very good.

All right, just the person
I'm looking for.

Forget it.

Oh, come on, ma.

You know you want
to play the part.

Once, maybe.
Not anymore.

Look,
you know what, ma?

Let me explain to you.

I would've made
a wonderful pirate queen.

I would've known my lines
backwards and forwards.

If you had cast me.

But you didn't.

And now, do you think
David O. Selznick

Went up to Vivian Leigh

five Minutes before
the civil w*r

and asked her if
she wanted to be
in Gone With the Wind?

You know what?
If you don't
want to do it, fine.

I'm gonna go over
and ask Mrs. Menken.

Don't do that to her.
She's nervous enough already.

All right,
Mrs. Emsh.

No!

She has to keep
her feet elevated.

Fine, you know what
I'm gonna do, ma?

I'm gonna go out there,
and I am going
to apologize,

and I'm going to explain
to the nice people
in the audience

and to the little
sisters of the blind

that, go home,
everybody,

there will be
no performance tonight.

All right.

What?
I'll do it.

I'll be your pirate queen.

Really?

Yeah, I'll tape the lines
to Mr. Balsky's parrot.

See? Where
there's a will,
there's a way.

But only because

I don't want my son
to look bad.

You're
a wonderful person.

Just promise me
I won't humiliate myself.

Yukka yukka yukka.

Yukka yukka
yukka yukka.

I don't think
you have to worry
about that, ma.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

You know, you pour
your life into a child.

I know.

You die for them
a thousand times over

Just so they'll
have a chance
to live and be happy.

I know.

Then you see them
standing on the brink
of that happiness.

Yeah.

Some freak comes along
and ruins everything.

Mom...

Destroys
a young girl's life.

Not to mention
a perfectly
good production

of the Pirates
of Penzance.

Mrs. Sass,
Roberta,

I'm sorry.
I really am.

I'm going
through a...

I don't know what it is.
I just had a baby--

Postpartum depression.

I-- I really--
I just resist that label.

Are you postpartum?

Yeah.

Are you in a depression?

Yeah.

All right.

It goes away,
you know.

Really?

My daughter's years old.
You know when mine ended?

Mrs. Sass.

Months ago
when she got engaged.

And now, guess what.

What's that?

It's back.

I understand.

So help me out here.
Make my joy return.

Roberta,

um,

In spite of
my little tirade

at the beauty parlor,

I love my husband
very much.

Really?

Absolutely.

That's exactly
what we came to hear.

Okay, can we
call Russell?

I don't know.

Roberta,

marrying Paul
and having his child

are the two smartest
things I ever did
in my life.

You mean it?

Isn't that sweet?

All right?

Well, i--
Close enough.

♪ Hold, monsters, ere your pr--

♪ Pirate caravans proceed

♪ To wed us all

Mr. Barsky,
your parrot.

♪ Just-- ♪ Just bear in mind

♪ That we are wards
♪ In chancery

Thank you.

♪ And father is
a major-general

♪ I am the very model

♪ Of a modern
major-general

♪ I've information
vegetable, animal

and mineral

♪ I know the kings
of England♪

Hi.
Hi.

Hi. How you doing?

How's it going so far?

Oh, Gilbert would
gouge Sullivan's
eyes out.

♪ I understand equations

♪ Both the simple
and quadratical

♪ About binomial theorem

♪ I am teeming
with a lot of news

Lot o' news?

Lot o' news?

Lot o' news.

Paul.

I told him to do that.

He's acting.
You believe it?

Lot of news.

Well, he's brilliant.

Lot o' news?

Oh, boy.

Sing something.

♪ And I should probably
sing something

♪ I mean, what have I
got to lose? ♪

[ALL SINGING]
♪ And he should probably
sing something

♪ I mean, what has he♪
got to lose?

♪ I...

♪ Used to be
in sporting goods

♪ But then I gave
the place away

♪ I'm in semi-retirement

♪ Let me tell you
that's okay

♪ My son's
the big director

♪ And he's standing
in the back somewhere

♪ And there's his wife
named Jamie

♪ Look at that,
she's got some pretty hair

♪ Our Paul was such
a good boy

♪ We had nothing
to complain about

♪ Except one time
we came home early

♪ And he had
his shmekkie out

[ALL SINGING]
♪ Except one time
he came home early

♪ And he had
his shmekkie out♪

♪ In short, in matters
vegetable, animal

♪ And mineral

♪ I am the very model

♪ Of the modern
major-general

[ALL SINGING]
♪ In short, in matters
vegetable

♪ Animal and mineral

♪ He is the very model of

♪ The modern
major-general ♪

That was the single
greatest evening

I've ever spent
in the theater.

Yeah, the pirates
who humiliated their son.

Let's see,

Complain about,
complain about.

What in world
rhymes with complain?

Oh, I got it!

Shmekkie out.

Just explain to me,

why would
the man's mind
even go there?

Why there?
I've done so many
wonderful things

in my life.

He could've
summoned up

I won a spelling bee
one time.

I had a paper route.

By the way, rhymes
with complain about.

I took
the garbage out.

I was a nice
cub scout.

All these things
he chose to ignore.

I found it a very
educational evening.

Yeah. You know
what we learned?

Here's what we learned.

if you're
and you're alone
in your room,

lock your doors, people.

All right, let's
take it easy.

So I can never go out
of the house again. Ever.

Come on. Let's just
laugh it off
and move on.

It's so true.
No good deed
goes unpunished.

Look at it this way.

Aren't you happy
your parents
love you so much,

They want to share
every detail--

Don't--don't--
don't do that.

Don't put
a happy face on this.

Would you let me
have this?
I'm depressed now.

Well, snap out of it
already.

♪ Now the show is done

♪ And we can all watch
as the credits roll

♪ They have a list
of all the folks

♪ Who work here,
see, it's on a scroll

♪ Look at all the people

♪ That it takes to make
a TV show

♪ Sixty-four of them

♪ I gotta tell you
I don't even know

♪ This song is stuck
within my head

♪ There's no way
I can go to bed

♪ Let's ask this man
whose name is Ed

♪ Is there another
song instead? ♪

Thank you.