06x12 - Separate Planes

[bunniefuu]

Help me.

Ooh.

Explain to me the logic
of bridesmaids' dresses.

I wish I could.
Yeah. A woman
with no taste

gets to pick out dresses
for everybody else.

That's just wrong
is what that is.

The color's called
"Sunday salmon." Ugh.

You know, I'll put some
hollandaise sauce
around you,

and we'll fix you
right up.

She was always
like this, Lori.

She was just always
selfish and boorish.

Ooh, there's gonna be
a lot of love at this
wedding, I can tell.

How would you like it
if the groom told you

you had to walk around
his wedding with a big
orange bow on your butt?

I would not like it.

Also we have the matching
shoes, headband,

and velvet choker.

All Sunday salmon?

Yes.
Yes.

You know what, sweetie?
I think it's gonna be fine,
it's gonna be perfectly fine.

We'll fly to L.A.

We'll do a little wedding,

I'll sneak in a couple
of movie meetings,
and then, you know,

look at the other ocean.
So where's bad?

Where's bad? We're
leaving our daughter
for the first time.

My parents are so
excited to have her,
you can't believe it.

They're literally
vibrating with joy.

Honey, how many diapers
did you pack?
, .

No, no, no, honey.
They'll buy more
if they need them.

All right. Okay.
Wow, the green pajamas?

What's the matter?
They're not warm enough.

Give me back.

Ooh, really?
The striped blanket?
Okay, do you wanna pack the bag?

I gotta get ready.
All right.

What time is your plane?

: . You're sure you're
okay with this whole
separate planes thing?

Yes. I'm okay with
the separate planes.

I don't understand it,
but I'm okay with it,
and that's a nice hat.

Thank you.

It's just that this way
if anything happens...
[KNOCK ON WOOD]

Come in.
No, no, sweetie.

This way, if, God forbid,
[KNOCKING ON WOOD]

one plane goes down,
Mabel will not be an orphan.

Okay, I get the thinking.
It's just...
So?

Who lives like that?
That's so grim.

What's grim about it?
We're cutting in half

the chances...
[KNOCKING ON WOOD]
Come in.

It's me.

We are cutting in half
the chances

[KNOCKING ON WOOD]
that Mabel will lose both
her parents. That's happy.

That's happy, okay, yes.
But on the other hand,
[KNOCKING WOOD]

Come in!
No, that's me.

I'm saying
on the other hand,
[KNOCKING WOOD]

we're doubling the chances
that god forbid
[KNOCKING WOOD]

she's gonna lose
at least one parent.

Well, that's grim.

You know what?
Can we just stop
talking about it,

'cause it's making me
very uncomfortable,

plus it's hurting
my hand.
Okay.

What is it?
Your flight's : ?

Yeah, yours?
: .

Oh, so you mean, uh...
Yeah, separate cabs.

That's what I'm thinking.

Yeah. You know what?
If you want,

we can just
never spend
any time together.

That way
there's practically
no chance

that we can die
simultaneously.
[BOTH KNOCKING ON WOOD]

Come in!
Oh, that was me.

[DOOR BELL BUZZING]

Hi.
Look who's here!

Mabel.

It's Nana and Pop-pop.

You went with Nana
and Pop pop, did you?

Well, I wanted grandpa
and grandma,
but who the hell am I?

Oh, what a weekend
we're gonna have.

There are so many people
who are waiting to meet you.

Oh, my God,
they're gonna eat
their hearts out.

And isn't that
what it's really
all about, huh?

Ready for a weekend
with, with...

Who are we again?

Nana and Pop-pop.

Yep, she's ready
for you, Pop-pop.

Not Pop-pop, Pop.

You just said Pop-pop.
No, for Mabel it's Pop-pop.

For you it's pop.
For each generation,
another pop.

Oh, for Mabel's kids,
it'll be Pop-pop pop?

What?

Oh, come here,
you little potato, you!

[HACKING COUGH]

All right, what's
going on here?

Oh, just a little cold.

A little cold? Pop,
you just sh*t
your pancreas

onto the couch there.
What's the matter?

It's just a little cold.
I've had them all my life.

Oh, oh, I don't
know about that.

I can't give
the baby to you
if dad's got a cold.

How could you
get a cold?

I went out Tuesday
with a wet head.

Haven't I told you?

Endlessly.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

You know what,
take it easy
there, Mom-mom.

Nana.
Nana.

It's never gonna catch on.

Yes, yes, yes.

MAN: It is Horst,
the doorman.

Yes, Horst.

You have called
for a taxicab,

which is now
waiting here.

Oh, okay, thanks, Horst.
Be down in a minute.
Got a little problem here.

What's his name, horse?

Horst, Horst.
German, with a "t."

No, you didn't
say the "t."
You said horse.

No, I said the "t."
No, you didn't.

Yeah, all right.
You know what?
You win.

Uh, okay, so now
who are we gonna get
to watch the baby?

Oh, come on,
it's nothing.

[HACKING AND WHEEZING]

I'll get him some tea.

Wait a second,
wait a second.

Joan and Debbie,
what are they doing
for the weekend?

Oh, they went
to Maine.
Maine?

That's where
their people go
for vacations.

Yes, 'cause that's
the headquarters, yeah.

All right. Okay, uh...
Fran and Mark.

Fran and mark? On our
sickest days, we're better
caretakers than they are.

Ma, please.
They'll be fine.

Mark, are you there?
[COUGHING]

Guess not.
How about this?

Your father will sleep
in the cedar closet.

I said never again.

Ira.
Oh, you've gotta
be kidding!

Ira will do a fine job.

You don't remember
when you went away
to tennis camp

and you asked him
to watch your turtle?

I'm taking the baby
with me.

Oh, no. We have
such big plans
for the weekend.

I mean, we were gonna
sit in the park and make
the Millers jealous,

and then we were
gonna sit in the lobby

and make
the Davieses jealous,
Okay.

and then we were gonna
stay in the elevator

until the Nussbaums came
and saw us...
Okay, I get it, ma. I get it.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes. Yes!

HORST: It is Horst,
the doorman.

Yes, Horst-t-t-t-t.

Sure, now.

HORST: The cab has
now started its meter.

Okay, Horst,
thank you.

It reads $ .
and counting.

Good to know.
Thank you, Horst.

I feel compelled
to keep you posted.

I think it is
a shameless
waste of money.

Where I come from...
Hanging up now, Horst.

Okay. Officially late.

I want to tell you, Paulie,

I never would have
let Pop-pop touch
the baby anyway.

Who?
Pop-pop. That's you.

Are you gonna travel
alone with the baby?

Yes!
Do you know
how hard it is

to travel alone with a baby?

Yes.
No, you don't!

Okay, no, I don't.

All right, I think
I have everything.

Please!

Don't take my baby!

Ma, sometimes
you gotta let go.

You know, I think
this is really
for the best.

This is really
gonna be fine,

and you know,
I know you had your
heart set on this,

but you still get
the dog, huh?

You get the dog
for the weekend,

and we'll do it
another time.

I promise you will get
Mabel another time,

And, uh, I'll make it
up to you.

Hey, hey, listen,
you still get
the weekend together.

Which... you're gonna enjoy.

Let me tell
you something,

you're gonna sleep
in the cedar closet
anyway.

We made it.
We made the plane.

Here we go.
Oof, excuse me.

WOMAN: watch it!
Sorry. Oh, pardon me.

I'm really terribly sorry.

Oh!

Hey!
Sorry.

Sorry. Pardon me.
We're sorry.

Here we go.

You gotta be kidding.

Hi. How are you, sir?

I'm changing seats.
How are you?

Sir, this is a really
good baby, believe me.

Well, they all look
good at the gate.

But this one really is.

Yeah. Right.
Wait till the ears
start to pop,

or you want to change
the poopy diaper

and the line's too long
for the bathroom.

Nope. Not for me.
Thanks just the same.

Sir, trust me.
I mean, this is
a beautiful baby.

Look, come on,
look at that face.

How peaceful, look.

[MABEL GURGLES AND COOS]

All right.

Okay. I'll try it.

I understand how you
feel, I really do.

I used to be
the same exact way
before I had a kid.

But you know what I found?
They love movement.

As soon as this plane
takes off,

this baby's gonna be
just sound asleep.

[MABEL WAILING]

Thanks just the same.

All right, sir.

Move your stuff.

I'm sorry...
Move your stuff.

I didn't...
Move your stuff.

I didn't think
there was anybody
sitting next to me.

It's "move your stuff."

All right.
All right.

Here, Let Byron sit
by the window so he can
see grand canyon. [SQUEAKS]

Byron. Bywon, Bywon,
does Bywon want to see
gwand Canyon?

Excuse me, do I know you?

Irwin, elbow room.
Sorry.

Irwin. Oh, my god.
I know you.

Lady, you're starting to
scare me. Who are you?

Do the words
"The good room" mean
anything to you?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
the hospital.

Oh, my God, Irwin, look!

I'm here.
I'm looking,
dumpling.

It's the woman who
tried to steal our room
when we had little bywon.

Oh, excuse me.
My contractions were
two minutes apart,

and yours were
four minutes apart...
I'm so glad

you've put it
all behind you.

You just...
All right, all right!

It's all blood
under the bridge.

So how are you?
You look great.

I'm fine, thank you.

You know,
the good room was
actually a great room.

I'm sure it was.

Climate-control,
percale sheets.

Even the stirrups
were a pleasure.

Glad it worked out
for you.

So... where's
your baby?

Uh, we left her
at home this time.

My husband and I are going
to a friend's wedding.

Oh. And where is he?

We took separate flights
for the baby.

That is the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

Thank you so much.

No, no, no.
No, I'm sorry.

I just mean Irwin and I
discussed it at length

before we finally came
to my conclusion,
didn't we, Irwin?

Well, we just sort of...
And we decided against it.

You know,
it just seemed so...

[LAUGHS] Stupid!

You know what? I would
love to spend this flight

just sort of relaxing,

catching up on
some reading,
kind of being by myself.

Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey.
You recognized me,
you know?

You engaged me
in conversation.

Believe me,
if I could
un-engage you...

You started in about
the good room.

Mea culpa.
Fine!

[LOUD SLURPING]

Move over.
I gotta pee.

Excuse me, are there
any empty seats on
this plane anywhere?

I'm sorry, ma'am.
We're all full up.

[KNOCKING]
Hey! Occupado!

What are you,
blowing glass
in there?

[KNOCKING]

Perfect.

[MABEL CRYING]
I know, I know.

It's a little hot
back here.

[MABEL CRYING]
Daddy's trying to

do something
about it. Okay.

Hey, buddy. Hi.
Huh?

What's your name?

Uh, Paul.

Well, hey,
what do you know?

My name's Earl.

Small world.
Yeah.

Hey, do you mind if
I hold your baby?

Oh, what was that?

I bet she stops crying.

You know,
I'd rather not.

Come on, let me
hold the baby.
Come on.

Really, I'd rather not.

Um, let me
ask you, Earl,

do you know how
to work these fans?

Huh! Fans aren't
the problem, my friend.

They're not?
No.

Well, what's
the problem?

First class.

The problem is
first class.

They don't have
any heat.
They're cold.

So they're cranking
it up back here

hoping that it
wafts forward.

Well, that's not right.

Tip of the iceberg,
my friend.
Huh?

They got it great
in first class.

They got
the big seats,

they got
the good forks,

they got the good
orange slices.

What do you mean,
the good orange slices?

Oh, you never seen
the orange slices
in first class?

They're
the good ones.

None of that white
flecky stuff

from the middle
of the orange.

No, we get the slices
with the white stuff.

I did not know that.

Yes.

Oh! Look at the baby.

Hello, little girl.

Oh, what's her name?

Mabel.
[GASPS]

Oh, that's
a lovely name.

Thank you. You know,
'cause we took
a lot of heat for that.

Oh. Hello, Mabel.

Oh. Melissa,
Kerri, come on.
Come see the baby.

ALL: [BABY-TALKING]

You snuggle-wuggle,

you're just a little pumpkin,
that's what you are.

Oh, there's nothing
more adorable

than a father traveling
alone with his baby.

It's cute. Oh.

Thank you.

Oh, anything, anything
we can get you,
you let us know.

Sure. Thanks.
Okay.

All right.
Bye-bye, Mabel.

Bye-bye, pumpkin.
[BABY TALK]

Oh, man,
you blew it.

What?

They love you.

You're the adorable father
traveling alone in -c.

You had the power
to effect change,

and you blew it.

What are you
talking about?

The heat.

Ask them
about the heat.

Of course. Yeah,
I should go do that.

I'll watch the kid.

That's okay.
I'll take her with me.

All right, all right.

Come on, sweetie.

Oh, look who's here,
it's your little friend.

I'm begging you.
Okay.

Hi. Excuse me.

What are you doing here
in first class?

You don't remember me?

Sir!
Like ten seconds ago.

Look, sir...
-c, single father.

Sir...
Little Mabel.

Sir, this is
first class.

You do not belong here.

No, I know,
I just wanted
to ask you a favor.

Miss Krbnsk...

Would you like
beluga or sevruga
tonight?

KRBNSK: Beluga,
of course.

Get out of here.

Oh, my god, is that
Lindsay Krbnsk?

I'm not at liberty
to say.

President of
Columbia Pictures?

Sir, I've asked you nicely
to return to coach class
where you belong.

You gotta be the pope
to get a meeting with
Lindsay Krbnsk.

Sir. Get along
back to coach.

I know, but I just
wanted to ask you--

Hi.

Hello, little Mabel.

Sweet little Mabel.
[BABY-TALKING]

Is there anything
I can do for you?

Yes.

I just wanted to say
the coach cabin
is a little hot,

and the baby's
getting uncomfortable,

so I was just wondering
could we turn
the heat down just a tad?

Oh, I'm sure I can
manage that.

Anything else?

Uh...

Can you tell me,
is that Lindsay Krbnsk?

Uh-huh.

Wow.

Anything else?

You know what?
Hmm?

The guy behind me
hasn't had

a decent orange
in, like, apparently
years.

So could we find
him something...

Oh, by all means.
Yeah? Okay, great.

Anything else?

Uh...

Could I get
the whole can
of tomato juice?

Oh, sure.

Look at you! Hah!

Oh, I love you.

How you doin'
back there, Earl?
Little cooler now?

My God, it's like
Switzerland
in January.

Glad to hear it.

And this orange!

Pretty good, huh?

This is grade A
citrus, my friend.

Enjoy.

You rang, Mr. Buchman?

Yes, um, I was wondering,
what is the film today?

Oh, in coach it's broken,

and in first class,
it's anything you want.

Hmm. Okay, let me ask you,

if I were to give you a tape

and ask you to suggest

to Lindsay Krbnsk
that she watch it
Ooh.

could you do that
for me?

Gee, I don't know.

You suggest it to her,
she watches a little bit,

she doesn't like it,
take it right out.

Mm, I don't know,
because, you see...

You know what? And
it's really not just me,

It's Mabel.

Mabel really wants
Miss Krbnsk
to see the film.

Oh. [BABY TALK]

Can Miss Krbnsk
watch that?

Oh, yes, I'm sure
she can. Okay.

Okay. Thanks very much.

Oh, I love you.

[BYRON WAILING]

Oh...Oh...

Oh, good book.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Terrible that he dies.

What? What are
you looking at?
Babies fuss.

No, no, no,
I was just...
What?

Nothing. I just
miss my daughter.

Oh, you had
a little girl.

Yeah. Mabel.

Oh, beautiful name.

Thank you. We took
a lot of heat for that.

Oh, well, Byron was
no day at the beach,
believe me.

I bet. Hi.

You want to
hold him?

Yeah. Can I?
Sure.

Hi. Come here.

Come here.
Hi, cutie.

You're pretty good
at that.
Thanks.

Will it be chicken
or fish tonight?

Chicken.
Chicken.

I'm sorry. We only
have one chicken left.

Well, I'm having
the chicken.

Um, okay.

I'm not dying to
have fish, but--

If you think I'm eating
airplane fish, you are
wrong, wrong, wrong.

[BYRON WHINING]

Byron, two words:

Good luck.

Give me him.

Okay. Two More words:

Boarding school.

PAUL: [NARRATING]
All because a guy
named Emil Buchman

looked around Vladivostok
one day

and said to his wife,

"Gert, how do you
feel about America?"

[ENDING MUSIC PLAYING]

She liked it.
Really?

Uh-huh.
Oh, she's crying.

Oh, my,
Oh, I love it
when they cry.

Oh, you must be
really excited to know
that somebody...

What are you doing?

I was just gonna--

You just turn it
right around, mister.

Go.
Okay, okay, okay.

LINDSAY KRBNSK:
Stewardess?

Yes.

This was wonderful.
Where did you find this?

I haven't heard
a thing about it.

Well, actually,
Miss Krbnsk,

the director is
onboard this plane,

and he's traveling with
the most adorable baby.
So cute.

Let me ask you something.

Can you send him up here?

Up here? In first class?
Yes.

But he's in coach.
I understand, but
send him up here.

But he's in coach.

Miss Krbnsk, hi.

Hi, I'm Paul Buchman.

I directed the film
I think you just enjoyed.

Oh, hello, Paul!

Hello, very nice
to meet you.

And this is
little Mabel.

Oh, she really
is cute.

Yeah.
Oh.

Please, won't you
sit down?

Really?

By all means.

Thank you so much.

Would you like
some caviar?

Well...

Yes, please.

Beluga or sevruga?

Beluga.

And some chips,
if you got 'em.

Well, it's a little nippy
up here, isn't it?

Oh, yes, I know.
I'm sorry.

Apparently
some freak
back in coach

made them turn down
the heat actually.

Animals.

Whoo, this is soft.

Paul, I found
your film
utterly charming

and captivating
and...

Uh!
Wow.

Okay, Miss Krbnsk,
you have no idea
what that means to me.

Well, I know that
I want to see you

first thing
tomorrow morning

and discuss
future projects.

Future projects?

I would love to do that.

And I love that
you'd love to do it.

Well, then,
I love that back,
and let's do it.

Ok.

Well, I'll tell you.

It's just amazing what
having a cute baby
with you will do.

I mean, that stewardess,
she was falling over herself
to help me out.

Even when I slipped her
the tape to give to you,

I said, "just give it
to her." She couldn't
help herself.

Yep. This one is
really paying off.

Hang on a second.

You mean to tell me
that you used
your daughter

to manipulate the
fragile sensibilities
of a stewardess?

Bup-bup!
No, I wouldn't
say that.

You did. You plied
Mabel's appeal

and took advantage
of an employee's
good will.

Bup-bup-bup!
I don't know th--

You connived

in that way that people
in my position hate
more than life itself.

Bup! Bup-bup!
No, it's... I didn't...

Bup-bup-bup!
There was no...

Look, M. Buchman,

I can't condone

or reward this kind
of behavior with
a meeting.

You can't?

What kind of
a professional
would I be?

Uh, you'd be
a kind professional,

Bup!
A compassionate--

Bup-bup-bup-bup!
Look, if there was...

Bup-bup-bup-bup-
bup-bup-bup!

Bup!
In fact--

Miss Krbnsk,
is there a problem?

Well, I guess
I should...
Bup-bup!

I'm saying...
Bup-bup!

Bup-bup-bup!
I'm saying
I should be going!

Okay. Let's go back
to coach.

You know what?
Bup-bup!

And what did
you say?
Separate planes.

That's right.
To avoid what?
A big disaster.

That's right.
And what did I say?
No separate planes.

That's right.
And what happened?
Big disaster.

Okay, so we're saying
I would be...
Right.

That's all
I'm saying.

[MABEL CRYING]

Okay. It's okay.
It's okay to cry.

I know.

Because you're on
a big airplane
and it's scary.

It's scary to be
on a plane,
yes, it is.

It's okay. Cry.
You let it out.

We understand
how you feel.
Oh, it's okay.

Would you like me to sing
baa, baa, black sheepagain?

Excuse me.

♪ Baa, baa black sheep

♪ Have you any wool?

♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir

♪ Three Bags full

♪ One for ♪