06x13 - Cheating on Sheila

[bunniefuu]

See, you have to understand,
I love my father.

I love him
a tremendous amount.

Yes, but it's very hard.
He's over at the house
all day, every day.

Yeah, I mean, you know,
"Honor thy father."

That's gotta be easily

one of the top or
commandments, don't you think?

Paul's very busy
right now trying

to choose
his next project.

It's a tense
time for him,
and it's very difficult

with Burt clamoring for
attention every second.

Yeah, but then I think about

all that he's done for me
my entire life.

And I want to extend myself
in return, you know?

He's saying if it
goes on much longer,

he's going to jump
out a window.

This is what I'm saying.

Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh?"

Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh?"
[CHUCKLES]

I think the thing is,

My mom, see,
she recently took a job.

You know those
little cards you get
in pants pockets

that say, "Inspected
by number ?"

Uh-huh.
She's number .

Well, you know, it just
seems to have created

some sort of problem
between them.

And, uh, I think,

I think my dad wants to go
back to work himself,

but he's not... I think,
I think he's envious.

Honey, he's over at
the apartment all day

in his slippers,
happy as a clam.

I don't think he wants
to go back to work.

Well, you know.
Uh-huh.

Well, what do you
think it is?

Paul, rather than

jumping to some
snap judgment of my own,

why don't we investigate
what you think it is?

Well, again, I, I think...

I think he wants
to go back to work.

Uh-huh.

And I think he's
wearing slippers.

Uh-huh.

Could you possibly
say anything else
besides "uh-huh"?

Oh, we're out of time.

Very good.

Oh, now, before you go,

you haven't RSVP'd
to my fund-raiser

for the Habitat
For Humanity.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Here's the thing
about that.

We want to go...
Yeah.

We believe
in humanity.

And, uh, we feel it
should have a habitat.

It's just, I hope
you won't take this
the wrong way,

we're not sure we're
entirely comfortable

with the idea of
seeing you socially.

Uh-huh.

But simply because,
you know,
you know all our stuff.

Which is okay
in this room.

In this room,
that's perfectly,
you know, appropriate.

Yeah, but in
a social situation,

I think we'd
be thinking...

We'll be thinking, "hey,
she knows all our stuff."
Right.

And how would that
make you feel?

Well, we decided
that we just...

It'd just, you know,
be blicky.

"Blicky?"

Yeah, that's
what we decided.
A little blicky.

Jamie, do you feel
that it might be blicky?

Well, I mean, I feel
it might be blicky.

Don't you feel it
might conceivably
be blicky?

Whether I feel it would
be blicky or not
is not the issue.

The issue is do you feel
it might be blicky?

So you're saying
just we should come
to the fund-raiser.

Well, how would you
feel about that?

BOTH: We'll just
see you there.

Good god!
PAUL: What?

The person in charge
of our mental health

has that hanging
in her house.

Good god!

Hey!
What?

What is this?

Hey, how are you?

Please tell me
she has a dog.

I haven't seen a dog.
Oh, good god.

Glad you came?
Yeah, really glad.

Hi!
Hi.

I'm so glad
you could make it.

Well, thanks.
You have
a lovely home.

Yes. Some lovely
knickknacks.

Thanks.

Oh, Bruce and Janet,

This is
Jamie and Jose.

It's Paul,
actually.

What?

Paul. You just
called me Jose.

No, I didn't.

Whoo, hey there,
gimlet boy.

Where you goin'?

Ooh, nothing
but joy here.
Yeah.

Good god!

What the hell
is that?

We honestly don't know.

But the artist is
right behind you.

No!
No.

I'm kidding.
I'm sorry.

Paul, Jamie Buchman.
Hello.

Sydney, Sydney warren.

I can't, I can't
believe this thing.

Yeah, well, whatever you do,
don't look at the table
behind us.

Why? What's
on the table...
Oh, come on!

Told you not to look.

Tell me, tell me
there's a dog.

No dog.

It's a party,
for God's sake.

Couldn't she put
something on the table
like a cr*cker?

Are you a patient
of Sheila's?

I'm a fellow shrink, actually.
How about you?

Oh, we're actually
patients of Sheila's.

Oh, okay, so you must be
pretty scared right now.

BOTH: yeah.

Yeah.

Don't be fooled.
She's a very, very
good doctor.

No, I'm sure.
Of course she is.
No question.

But when this woman
leaves the office,

she really leaves the office.

Yes, yes...

See, that's what
we should do, honey.

Get a couple
of these around
the apartment,

And that'll
scare my dad away.

Oh, right.
Your father?

Long story.

Please. I'm desperate
not to see any more
of the apartment.

My mom just took a job,
so he's going
through a thing.

I think, I think
he's envious.

How old is your father?

Uh, he's almost .

He's not envious.
He feels abandoned.

He's what?
Nine times out of ten
cases like this,

that's exactly
what it is.

Oh, god, honey.

That's what it is.

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna write a check
to the Habitat For Humanity

and go home and try not to
dream about anything
I saw here.

It was nice
talking to you.

Nice talking
to you, too.
Nice to meet you.

[SHUDDERS]

Okay. Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Apparently not.

That's what a therapist
should be like.

What do you mean?
He's a person.

He is.
A person with answers.

Yeah, see,
he didn't have
all those questions.

What are your feelings?
How are your feelings?

Your feelings. Your feelings.
Your feelings. Your feelings.

All right, sweetie,
we get it.

I'm sick of paying
$ an hour

so that some woman
can make me crazy.

Yeah, you don't
need her for that.

I'm agreeing with you!
I'm agreeing.

[LAUGHING]

But, honey, you know,
we've got a fine, fine
therapist of our own there.

Jacuzzi!

IRA: Pauly, they're
gonna love your film
about mole rats.

Hey, hey,
it's Natalie Allen!

Yes, it is. All right.

So good, get him,
get him on the phone.
Let's do it.

It's Natalie Allen,
anchorwoman for CNN.

I see it right there
on the set.
Thank you. Okay.

Any ideas? How do you
pitch to Ken Burns?

Taste this.
What, oh!

Dad, thank you. Okay.

Here you go, Pauly.
Hang on one second.

Hello. Ken Burns'
office, please.

Look at Natalie Allen.
Oh! Oh!

She's so smart,
and she looks so great.

And she finds out about
everything right away.

Yeah, Ken, hi.
Paul Buchman.
How are you?

Listen, do you have
two minutes?

Maybe we can
talk about mole rats.

Good. Here, listen,
here's what I was thinking--

Natalie Allen says it,
I believe it.

The Serbs are mad
at the Croats?

Yes! El nino, el facto!

Yeah, no, sorry.
That's my dad.

He's, he's over
for just right now.

What I would do,
personally,

I think we should
go naked mole rat
by naked mole rat

until you find
a naked mole rat

that you just
can't help but love.

Pauly, guess
what's on here?

Pop, I'm on the phone.
So can--

You're thinking
mustard, aren't you?

I thought it
was mustard. Yes.

Worcestershire. Ha ha!

Okay, I'm wrong.

Sorry about that.
Um, What I...

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Whenever something
tastes good,

and you don't know
what it is,

it's usually
Worcestershire.

Thank you.
Hang on one second.

Hey, you know
who invented
Worcestershire sauce?

BURT: Who?
Benjamin franklin.

Oh, come on.
No, it's true.

It was just after he got
hit by lightning.

He didn't mean to.
He was going
for ketchup.

Hey.

Oh, you would not believe
the pants I saw today.

Unwearable.

Ken, I'm gonna have
to call you back.
All right? Thank you.

And inspector number ,

she passed them right through
like she always does.

I mean, what does she care?

She only got a job
because she slept with
inspector number .

That happens
all the time in that
business, Aunt Syl.

You go in for the love
of quality control,

you stay for the sex.

Hiya, Mom.
Hi.

You're not going
to say hi to pop?

Hi!

Oh, hi.

Oh, Natalie Allen...again.

Uh-huh.

Good for you.

That's it?

What?

What?

None of my business.

Grab a seat.
Dr. Warren will be in
in just a minute.

Thank you.
Thanks.

Wow! This...
this is a room.

Honey, look at the fire!

Wow! This is a room
where you get well.

Hmm. Now, listen,
do me a favor.

What?
Don't do what you did
with Sheila.

What?
We're starting fresh here
with a new person.

Don't poison the well.

That's what I did
with Sheila?

I poisoned the well?

You put incorrect notions
about us in her head.

We were never able
to get them out.

Like what?

It doesn't matter now.
No, but like what?

A billion things.

Like what?

Like that we hate cats.

What?
Sheila thinks
we hate cats.

This is what you're
worried about?

That this guy will think
we don't like cats?

It bothered me.
It came up more than once.

She thinks we hate cats,
which means we're dog people.

Not just people who
like dogs, dog people,

which means we
are needy, not giving.
It bothers me.

What is wrong with you?

Hey! Hi.

Sit down. Sit down.
How are you?

Relax, relax.
Did you eat?
I got Zabar's.

JAMIE: Oh.

Uh, no, thank you
very much.

I try not to eat
before I'm going
to spill my guts.

Come on. Come on.
Come on. Dive in.

I'm way wildly
too nervous to eat.

Don't be nervous.
Don't be nervous.

Let me see if I can
scare up a pen.

Okay.

I like that painting
very much.

Oh, thanks.
That's a local artist
named, uh, Robert Katz.

Oh, we love cats.

I, uh, must say
I was a little surprised
to get this call.

Yeah. Do you feel
it's unethical

to visit one shrink while
you're seeing another?

Absolutely not.

Really?
This happens all the time.

You know, I think I lost
a patient to Sheila once.

Pfft. Hard to
imagine that.

It's just a question
of who clicks with whom,
you know?

Besides, the point is,
you did the right thing.

Okay, good.

I'll have a bagel.

Great. All right,
let's go to work.

The other night,
you were talking about

your father hanging
around all the time.

And you said that
maybe he feels
abandoned by my mom.

You were absolutely right,
by the way.

Yeah, so I was trying

to get in touch with
my feelings about--

Come on, you know
your feelings about this.
You're a nice guy.

You want your parents
to be happy.

And also, you have
a life you'd like
to lead occasionally,

If nobody minds.

Yeah.

So, the question is,
what do you do?

Yes, okay, yes,
what do I do?

What's he do?
What is it?

Is your father going
to come over again tomorrow?

Tomorrow?
What is tomorrow?

Is tomorrow
a day of the week?

Absolutely.

He'll be there.

Paul, here's what
you gotta do.

You gotta engage him.

You gotta get him to admit

that he resents your mother
taking the job.

Yes.
Yes.

My guess is on some level,
he wants you to.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, here's what
he's probably thinking.

"Here I am, finally
in the golden years of my life,

"and this woman has
given me the shaft."

Probably. Yeah.
Definitely!

Now, once you get him going,

once you get him
to acknowledge it,

he'll, you know, he'll do
the rest by himself,

and then all your problems
will be solved.

Yes, yes, yes.

You've been saying that?

I've been thinking it.

How is that, good?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Dr. Warren,
I am sorry to disturb.

Mrs. Arthur's
on the phone again.

Is she humming?
Mm-hmm.

I better take this.

This is a dear
older woman,

and, for her,
I bend the rules.
No problem.

I'll be right back.
Sure. No problem.

Okay. I love him.
Me, too!

I'll tell you
what we're gonna do,
my little friend.

What's that?
We're dumping Sheila.

Really?
Yeah.

You like him more.
I like him more.

Yeah, okay, yeah.
We're gonna
dump Sheila. All right.

But, you know,
let's just not do it
cold turkey.

I think it'll be
a lot kinder

if we just taper off
with Sheila over time

while we continue
to see him.

You want to pay
for two therapists?

Maybe a clean break
is best.

[WOMAN SPEAKING ON TV]
The way I see it, Ken,

The story of the mole rat
is the story of all of us.

Oh, God!
Look at her today.

It's really, it's about

the little naked rodent
in all of us, Ken.

And, and to me, I think
it's a fascinating
documentary.

Smell this.
What? Pop,
I'm on the phone.

You see I'm talking to Ken.

Let me ask you
something.
What's that?

Who was the genius

that first
let milk lay around
and get all moldy

and all of
a sudden realized,

"You know what
that is? Cheese."

I don't know who was
the first guy that did it.

You can do
a documentary
about that.

Sorry. That's my dad again.

Ken, I'm gonna have
to call you back.
So sorry.

You think Ted Turner
chooses his
anchorwomen himself?

It could be, pop.
You know, I don't know.

I want to ask you
something.
Sure.

I'm gonna sit down
and talk for a second.

It's all right.
It's all right, uh.

How ya doin'?
Good.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Good.
Yeah.

Here's a question.
Did you, just thinkin',

did you have any,
I don't know,

any anger
or any feelings

when mom took the job
at the factory?

No! Why should I have
any feelings?

If she wants to spend
our retirement
inspecting pants,

who am I to say no?

No, no, but, yeah,
but no, that's okay.
Hold it.

But really, there was
no sense of anger?
No.

No?
No.

No resentment?
Nah!

Abandonment?

Well...
Yeah?

Yeah? A little sense
of abandonment? Oh.

W-w-well...
Or, or betrayal?

Mmm...
Ill feelings, maybe,
or disgruntled.

All right! All right!
Yes! Yes! Yes!

I feel abandoned!
Yes.

She gave me the shaft!

She did?
Yes!

years we worked
so we wouldn't
have to work.

We could just be together.
Right.

And what does she do
at that precious time?

She gives you the shaft.
Yes!

Yeah! That's not right.

You know what?
What?

I'm going over there.

I'm going to have
a little talk with her!
This has gone far enough!

Well, all right. Great.
That's a great idea.

Uh, before you go!
Before you go, Pop.
Yeah?

Put on some pants.

Oh, oh.

All right. Listen,
we're gonna be tough
and honest with Sheila,

and just get
this thing over with.
Yes, of course.

Just an iota of compassion,
that's all I'm asking you for.

I'm compassionate.

I'm plenty
compassionate.

All right. All right.

What kind of bagels
do you think Sheila
will bring?

All right.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi.
Hi, Sheila.

Okay. Let's see.

When last we left,

we were investigating
your feelings vis-a-vis Mort.

Who?
Burt.

That's what I said.
Yeah.

Since then,
we've actually taken
some actual steps.

You have?
Yes, we have.

We engaged my father,
and we got him
to talk about it,

and, uh, frankly,
it worked, because
he just, you know,

Picked up and walked
out of the apartment
on his own.

Uh-huh.

Here we go.

What?
Nothing.

So how do you feel
about your solution?

Well,

Great. We feel great
about our solution.

Well, good.
Yeah.

Maybe now we should examine
any separation anxiety

you may have
with the departure
of your father.

That's just what
we're gonna do.

Jamie, I'm, I'm sensing
a certain hostility
from you today.

Are ya?
Okay. You know,
you know.

Sheila, here's the thing.

We've decided
to change therapists.

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Sheila, believe me,
it-it's not you.

Honey.
It's a little bit you.

We're finding
our sessions
frustrating

and, frankly,
unhelpful.

Well, of course, this comes
as a great shock.

Well, we're sorry.
We really are.

And something of
a personal and professional
disappointment.

We understand.
We really do.

But part of my job is
to accept such
a decision with grace

and with all good wishes
for your future happiness.

Well, thank you.
That's very sweet of you.

Uh...but I would be remiss
if I didn't mention to you

that I think
you're making a mistake.

Yeah.
Well, listen, you know...

I've seen this sort
of thing backfire.

Well, perhaps it will.
We can only hope...

I have a question for you.

Please.

Have you thought
about my feelings?

Sheila, we never--
You're not the first ones
to run out on me, you know.

We wish you
all the best.

You know it's my birthday
in two weeks?

Well, if we don't see ya,
have a happy birthday.

You're just,
you're just stupid!

You're both really stupid!

Well, be that
as it may--

You're rolling the dice
with your mental health,

which I gotta tell ya
Is not exactly the Rock
of Gibraltar to begin with.

Hey!
Well, fine. You know--

You deserve
every drop of misery
that God will send to you!

You, you know
what, Sheila--

A pox! A pox on your house!

I think our time is up.

Yeah.
Actually, we have
minutes...

Honey! Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.

Maybe we could pro rate
or get a voucher
or something?

I'm gonna tell everyone
I know everything
I know about you!

And then I'm gonna
make some stuff up!

How ya doin', Syl?

Oh, please, Burt,
I'm at work.

Call me Inspector.

Oh. Sorry, inspector.

Uh, everybody, this is Burt.

Burt, this is , , ,

and .

The odds are out
smoking again.

Nice to meet ya.

Don't mind .

See, before I came here,
anything went.

Now people show some respect
for a job well done.

Yeah, we're a real gung-ho
bunch now, thanks to you.

So why are you here
anyway, Burt?

Uh, Sylvia, I am
angry with you.

You are?
Yes.

Why?
Because you
took this job,

because you abandoned me.

You gave me the shaft.

I gave you the shaft?

You know
what I'm saying.

You gave me the shaft
in what should have been
our golden years!

Well! You seem to be
recovering very nicely,

you and, uh,
that Natalie Allen.

Well, at least
she looks at me
when she talks to me.

Well, you know,
I have somebody, too.

Who?
Tiger Woods.

What?

Yes! He's a very
handsome young man.

And he can hit a -wood
yards off the fairway.

Now, I'm not exactly sure
what that means,

but it certainly sounds
very, very impressive.

Sylvia, all my life
I've been waiting
for the day

when I could
be sitting around
in my living room

and in my underwear
with you next to me.

So now I'm
in my living room
and in my underwear,

but you're not there!

Burt, is there anything
I should worry about,

you and this Natalie Allen?

Well, Frankly, no.

In the end, when
all the fireworks
have d*ed down,

I'm not sure
I need that much news.

Good.

Is there anything that
I should worry about

with you
and Tiger Woods?

No! I mean,
he's on the road so much.

Who needs that?

[CHUCKLES]

What do you say
we take a little walk?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll cover for me,
number ?

Yep.

He's cute. Nice rise.

And we haven't heard
from Pop since.

That's great. I'm glad
everything worked out.

All thanks to you, Mister.

I'm sorry Sheila
blew up like that.

That's, that's too bad.

You know what?
That's all the proof
we needed to know

that we did
the right thing.

You don't suppose
there really is a pox
on our house, do you?

No. No.

Good, oh, God!

We've gone
half an hour over.
I'm so sorry.

Just relax. Sit, sit,
sit, sit, sit.

Relax, relax.
We're doing good work.

I don't like people
to feel rushed.

Whew. You better watch
that attitude, pal.

You're gonna
get thrown out of
the Shrinks Union.

Thank you
for the wonderful advice

and the equally wonderful
Kung Pao chicken.

Yeah. Sorry.
Once again, we forgot
to bring you anything.

We were just, we were
raised poorly is all.

Listen, at these prices,
the food's on me.

I keep meaning to ask you,
by the way,

how much do you charge,
if we may?

$ an hour.

We made a huge mistake.

We were stupid,
stupid people.

I don't know what
we were thinking.

Oh, and, by the way,
happy birthday.

Why did I get so upset
when they dumped me?

I don't even like 'em.

Because you're a nut.

I am?

You're completely
out of your mind.

I am, aren't I?

You shouldn't be
advising anybody.

You're probably right.

It's a crazy world,
isn't it?

They're crazy. I'm crazy.

It's just a world filled
with crazy people.

Yeah.

Thank God.

Why did I get so upset
when they dumped me?

I don't even like 'em.

Because you're a nut.

I am?

You're completely
out of your mind.

I am, aren't I?

You shouldn't be
advising anybody.

You're probably right.

It's a crazy world,
isn't it?

They're crazy. I'm crazy.

It's just a world filled
with crazy people.

Yeah.

Thank God.