06x15 - The Second Mrs. Buchman

[bunniefuu]

You see,
if the pony runs away
and becomes a flower,

his mommy will become
a bumblebee

so she can be with him.

Look what we got.

A box of goodies
for Mabel

from cousin Connie
and cousin Arthur.

Oh, that's nice.

See, and if the pony
becomes an ocean,

then his mommy
becomes a fish

so she can be
with him.

Look. It's stuff
their kids outgrew.

Look at the jumper.
We need a jumper.

We gotta call them.

Well, get 'em
on the phone.

See, and if the pony
becomes an island,

his mommy
becomes a palm tree

so she can be
with him.

Ugh. Honey,
look at this.

That's disgusting.

See, if the pony
becomes a beach,

his mommy becomes
a seashell

so she can be
with him.

Look. At little bear.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh. We gotta
get them on the phone
and thank them.

It looks like
a little pooh bear.

Get 'em
on the phone.

Honey, all the pooh's
coming out.

Well,
that's disgusting.

Look. If the pony
becomes a bird,

his mommy
becomes a nest

so she can be
with him.

Look. This is so cute.
Look at this.

It's a little
denim jacket.

I've been wanting
to find a jacket
like this for her.

I have to call them.

I'm saying,
go get them
on the phone.

And if the pony
becomes the moon,

his mommy
becomes the stars

so she can be
with him.

So, basically,
though the mommy
loves this pony,

that pony, frankly,
never gonna get
a moment's peace.

Ugh.

Look at this.

What is that,
jell-o?

God, I...

I just really hope so.

Oh, my god.

What... what are they,
sending us garbage?

I'm gonna get them
on the phone.

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ And we jump into
the final frontier ♪

"Kind of potato,"
Five letters.

[COOS]

Did you just
say Idaho?

Sweetie, have you seen
my little home plate
sweeper-offer thing?

Oh, my god.

Look how cute
your daddy is.

Huh? Cute and

bearing an uncanny
resemblance

to legendary
film star Spanky.

I think it's so sweet
you're umpiring
your father's game

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

That's just what
a bunch of
and -year-old men need

is a guy standing
behind them,
yelling suddenly.

Hey, Splinky.

Hey, Spanky.

Hey, James.
I got your mail.

Thank you,
uncle Ira.

You're welcome. So, Paulie,
let me understand,

I am the designated runner
for the softball game?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

So, which ones
do I run for?

For all of them.

For all of them?

They can't run,
these guys.

Well, maybe
if they can't run,

they shouldn't
be playing softball.

Hey, who do you know
in Pittsburgh?

In Pittsburgh? Uh,
absolutely nobody.

You know what
I'm talking about?

The little wiry,
brushy,
just sweep thing.

"Dear, Paul, I hope
this card finds you well.

"I know you'll
be pleased to hear

"That I'm just fine

"And living here
happily
with my family.

"I owe it all
to you, Paul,

"And I will
never forget.

"Yours eternally,

"Svetlana Poszinsky."

[COOS]
Who's that?

No idea.

No idea?

No idea. Little wiry,
brushy, sweepy thing.

You know what
I'm talking about.

Is there some
psychotic Russian woman

sending you
intimate postcards?

Svetlana.

So you know her?

Oh, boy. Not really.

What?
Not... you know...

Oh, this is
so long ago.

She was a minor,

may I say minor,
figure in my life.

Like what,
an old girlfriend?

Oh, less than that.

What,
a one-night stand?

Less than that.

Anything less
than that

is a stranger
on the subway.

She and...
all right...

You are
gonna laugh.

I believe.

I think you're gonna laugh
when I tell you this.

This is...
'cause this is...

Is such a source
of comedy. Um...

We

uh, Svetlana...
Svetlana and I,

we were married.

I'm gonna go
practice my running.

I'll see you
over at the park.

You were married
to this woman?

I wasn't
married...

Except that...

Well, yes,
I was married.

You were married.

For, like, hours
on paper, on paper.

You were married.

Sweetie, there was,
there was no romance.

There was no... love.

There was nothing.
This was on paper only.

She was,
she was Russian.

When I was at NYU,
I met Svetlana,
like... thrice.

Thrice?

Thrice. Three Times. Thrice.

Uh-huh.

Sweetie,
you know what it is?

She loved America.
She wanted to stay,
so, you know,

she asked me if
I would marry her

in name,
in name only.

So I wanted
to be a nice guy.

I was .
I was, like, .

Did I know that I was
gonna be having this
conversation with you?

I didn't know you. No.

So we went down
to city hall,
we got married,

and I've, I've
never seen her.

I've literally never
seen her again in
my life ever since.

You were married.
Yeah, okay, sweetie,

Do you understand
what I...

It... it was nothing.
It was
a pretend thing.

This is not
even a marriage.

It's like we went
to Halloween,

And we were dressed up
as a married couple.

It... it was nothing.

This is a microscopic...
this is...

You know what this is?
It's like soupy sales
meant more to me.

Was she attractive?

No. Yeah.

She wasn't unattractive.
She was, you know.

She had, like, a Russian
exotic quality.

Exotic? Interesting.

Sweetie, everybody's
attractive in some way.

You know,
all of God's creatures.

I suppose if you look...
what's the matter?

I'm your second wife.

Stop it.

I'm the second
Mrs. Paul Buchman.

This is... this is...
it's ridiculous.

So when you said "I do,"
did you kiss her?

I, you know, yeah.
You know

like the pope
would kiss the top
of a sick child's head.

I see.

This... it's nothing.

Trust me,
this means nothing.

Don't make anything
of this.

Make nothing
of this, please.

Okay?

I am standing here
in umpire's clothing,

begging you
to make nothing of it.

There's nothing
to be made.

Look, this is
such a small...

Nothing. This
is such a...

Big pile of nothing
to worry about.

A small pile.
It's a small pile
of nothing.

It's not
even a pile.

There's no pile
with which worry
could be...

You shouldn't
even worry.

There's nothing.
There's nothing
here, okay?

Okay. So we're fine.

You see, you see
that this is...

You see what it is,
right? It's...

You see what this is?

You were married.

Okay.

Batter up!

ANNOUNCER:
Your attention, please.

Now making his way
to the plate,

loving husband to Estelle,

loving father
to Randy and Richard,

loving grandfather

to Howard and Todd,

number ,

Al Birnbaum,

Number .

Come on, Al!

Go get 'em, Al!

Show 'em where
you live, Al!

That's the spirit, Al!

That's a lovely camera,
Sylvia.

Oh, thank you.
You know, it
does everything.

It focuses,
it fades in,
it fades out.

It goes
in slow motion,

And you never
have to change
the batteries.

I said I liked it.
What do you want from me?

And once again,

batter up.

Get a hit, Al!

Give it a ride, Al!

Go, Al!
Go, Al!

That's the spirit!

And once again,
let us say, batter up.

All right, already,
with the "batter up."

I'm just... just trying
to move things along here.

Fine.
All right.

[SIGHS]

PAUL: Ball's in.

Bring it on, sucker.

Put it in.

He ain't no batter.

First pitch, first man,
first strike, Eddie boy!

Mr. Edlin...

If you would.

Hey.

So now I'm running?

Now. Anytime seems
appropriate. Run, yes.

Safe! He's safe.

What?

Safe. His foot
hit the bag right
before the ball came.

Come on, Paul!

Pop, I don't know
what to tell you.

He's safe.
He was in there.

What's the matter
with you?

Hammy. Severe tearing
in the hammy and groinial area.

You're
the youngest guy
here.

I know. The irony.

Paul, he was out.

Look, I calls 'em
like I sees 'em.

Out!

As a matter of fact,
he was safe.

Are you seriously
gonna stand here

and tell me
that he was safe?

This is what I'm saying.

Then you oughta
get your eyes checked,
Blue!

Don't, don't push it,
number .

He was out!
Admit it, he was out!

Don't kick dirt, Pop.

All right.
I won't kick dirt.

What are you doing?
What are you...

You happy?

Do you believe this,
everybody?

He was out, Blue.

Mrs. Michalak,
I beg to differ.
He was safe.

You're blind and a liar.

Pop, don't push it.

You're a blind liar!

I'm warning you,
cut it out right now.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

I'm giving you
one last warning.
Cut it out.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
That's it.
All right.

You're out of here!
You're throwing me out?

Get out of the game!

Your own father?

Yes. I'm sorry,
but let's go!
Hit the showers!

It'll be my pleasure!

Let's go!

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Batter up.

Hi.
Hi.

You okay?

Yep. Never better.
How are you?

I, uh

cannot wait
for football season.

Uh-huh.

All right,
just tell me,

how long are you
gonna be upset
about this Svetlana thing?

I don't know.

Well, just so
I can pace myself.

Give me
a rough idea.

Like, a half an hour?
years? What?

I don't know. Forever?

You're gonna be upset
about this forever?

That's the plan.

Would you just tell me
what I can do
to make this better

There's nothing
you can do.

There's nothing...
nothing I can do at all?

There's nothing
you can do.

Okay. Well, good.
All right, good.

So, then let's eat.

I'm sorry.
I just can't imagine a time

I'm not gonna be
upset about this.

[SIGHS]

Sweetie,

all right, let me
say this to you...

I was wrong
not to tell you, okay?

I mean, even though
it meant nothing to me

and I didn't even
remember it myself,

I should have
racked my brains
and combed my past,

come up with this,
and I should have realized

how it would
have made you feel,

and I should have...
I should have told you
a long time ago,

And for that,
I am deeply, deeply,
genuinely sorry.

Okay.

Really?
Uh-huh.

Okay...

'Cause I can't wait
to talk about me again.
Listen to this.

My father...
However, however...

What's the matter?

There is
one little thing

that I need to
tell you, too, Paul.

There is?

Yeah. There's
a little...

Thing out
of my past,

a little unthinking
kind of...

"Oh, my god,
I forgot" thing
that I have, too.

Okay.

I hate to tell you,

'Cause, boy,
I don't want you

to go through
the kind of hell
I've been in lately.

No, no, no.
That's okay. Go ahead.

Paul...

Honey...

Yes?

I, uh...

I actually once

accidentally

Had sex for money.

I'm sorry?

I had sex
for money

accidentally

once,
many years ago.

Okay, that's what
I don't understand,
accidentally. So how...

Yeah, I was right
out of college,

I was broke,
I met this guy
at a party,

and we went back
to my place,

and
the next morning,

he was gone,
and he left me...

$ , and I kept it.

That true?
Yeah.

Okay, well, that's...
you know...

It's not like there
was a prearranged thing

where there was a price
and both parties knew it.

No, no, but
I can understand

why he would think
I was, you know,

a working girl.
I was...

I was pretty trashy
that night. Oh, boy.

Wow.

All right. Well, good.

Well, then there you go.

I'm glad you shared that.

Just gives you
a $ bill,

and just puts it
on the dresser there?

Yep.

Wow. Ha.

Just like
a crisp $ bill?

Yeah. I don't know
if it was exactly
a $ bill.

s?
Whatever. s, s.

s?
I think maybe
some s.

s?
Maybe a couple
of singles.

Really?
I think some change.

Change?
Uh-huh.

And a bus pass.

All of this
he leaves on the dresser?

Yep. Well

no.

Where's he put it?

On the floor.

Guy leaves $
in small bills, some change
and a bus pass on the floor?

Yeah.

As payment for sex?

Yeah.

Just right there
on the floor,
you're saying?

Not right directly
on the floor.

I think the change
and the bus pass

were just thrown
on the floor,

but the bills
were... not.

Where are the bills?

In his wallet.

So you sleep
with this guy...

W-w-w-we didn't,
you know,

Sleep together
sleep together.
You didn't sleep together?

But we
were going to.

Oh, my god.
We were going to,
but...

But what?
But we didn't.

Now, so you didn't.
I barely
knew the guy.

Okay.

Guy comes
to your house...

You know what?
Forget it.

I'm just trying
to understand.

Yes?

Hi. I'm looking for
Svetlana Poszinsky,
please?

Yes.

Also the former
Svetlana Buchman.

Yes.

Does Svetlana Poszinsky,
the former Svetlana Buchman,
live here?

You bet.

May I speak
with her, please?

By all means.

Is she home now?
Uh-huh.

May I speak
with her, please?

Please.

Ok, um...

Boy, I don't mean
to be rude.

I'm just gonna
ask this one more time.

May I please speak
with Svetlana Poszinsky?

Absolutely, you may.

Is she home now?

Yes, she is.

Great. May I speak
with her?

Sure.

Ok. Um...

You know what?
Let's try this.

What is your name,
please?

Svetlana Poszinsky.

Are you sure?

Yes.
Your name
is Svetlana Poszinsky?

Yes.
Are you sure?

Yes.
Formerly
Svetlana Buchman?

This is what
I'm saying.

Oh, my god.

[GROANING]

Here we go.
It's the actual
civil w*r Yankees

against the...

"Hey,
your fly is open,

you can't go out
like that" mets.

Uhh!

How you doing?

I'm okay.
I took more Advil
than a lab rat.

All right.

So, good.
Batter up.

ANNOUNCER: Leading off
for the Yankees,

loving husband to Sylvia,

loving father to Debbie,
Sharon, and Paul...

Well, to Debbie and Sharon.

Proud grandfather
to Jed, Noah,

and the delicious new Mabel,

the first baseman,
number ,

Burt Buchman.

Number .

Whoo! Go!

Burt, I can read
your watch from here.

Okay. Come on, now.

Just you and me, baby.

Come on, Al.

We're just
playing catch, Al.

Okay, Al.

Al.

Al.

Huh?

Throw the ball.

All right.
Who's arguing?

Strike!

Naturally.

Shame on you, Blue,
for making a call

against your father!

They get a nice crowd here,
don't they?

Okay.

You're gonna zing it
right in to me, Al.
Okay, Al?

Here we go, Al.

Al.

ALL: Al!

Stop hollering.
What's wrong with you?

Good ball.

Are you sure?

All right.

Paulie,
maybe you should

and this is only
a suggestion,

but maybe you should
be big about this

and just say that
you made the wrong call
the other day.

No. The man was safe,
I called him safe,

And the decision stands.

If we start changing
the call after the fact,

I'm really worried that
the game is gonna lose
its integrity.

Gin!

I think the integrity ship
kind of already sailed.

Oh, look at them.
Mal, do me a favor.

Would you please see if
we can get the furniture
off the infield?

Ohh.

Pop,

let me say this:

I just wish
there was some way
we could clear this up.

Well, me, too.

I'm zooming.

Watch me zoom.

Maybe there is a way
to clear this up.

What do you mean?

Aunt Syl, can I
see that camera
for one second?

Oh, yeah.

Little instant replay.

All right.

That's so smart.

He's a very,
very smart man.

All right, gentlemen.
Here we go.

Al "the butcher" Birnbaum
hits the ball.

There's Ira running,
running.

Mr. Edlin throws,
which, all due respect,

would be in slow motion
even at normal speed.

And he's safe!

Ha!

Safe?
Yes.

You were right.
He was safe.

Yes. Yes.

I'm sorry, Paul.

That's okay.

No, no, no. I mean,
I'm really sorry.

Paul...

Son,

my son,

I'm sorry.
Man to man...

I apologize to you.

Well... accepted.

No, no, no.
This is big.

I'm terribly sorry.

I'm filled
with remorse.

That's all right.
Pop, it's in the past.

It happened.
It's over. It's gone.
Don't worry about it.

Really?
Yeah, absolutely.

Boy, that was
a nice moment.

Nice little moment.

Don't worry. I've
got the whole thing
on tape.

Hi.

Hi. Paul,
I believe you know
Svetlana Poszinsky.

Hello, Svetlana.

Hi, Paul.

Svetlana, I'm
sure you remember

your ex-mother
and father-in-law,

Sylvia
and Burt Buchman.

Sylvia, Burt, of course
you know Paul's
first wife Svetlana.

What are you talking about?

Okay, did I mention
this to nobody
at the time?

You made her sound
like a James Bond girl.

In the earlier films when
he was a struggling spy.

Come on. Play ball.

We're burning daylight here.

Mal Noonan, do you
know Paul's first wife
Svetlana?

Hello.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Paul, may I?

Please.

Has everybody
had a chance

to meet Paul's
first wife
Svetlana?

Well, that's something
I never would have expected.

Svetlana comes down
after all these years,
meets another guy.

Yeah. How you doing
with that?

You hanging in there?

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

It was
a paper marriage.

I believe you said
she was exotic.

I was ,
she had an accent.
What do you want?

Why didn't you tell me
she was years old?

If I knew that her age
made such a difference
to you,

believe me, I would
have mentioned it.

You said she was a student
at NYU?

No, I didn't.
I said I met her
at NYU.

She worked
in the cafeteria.

Listen to me.

In a situation like this,

details are
very important.

Listen, you ask me,

and I'll give you
all the details
you want.

All right.
Well, next time...

No. There's not gonna
be a next time.

Really? So you don't have
any other former wives?

Uh,

no.

You sure?
Yeah. I'm really sure.

Okay. Good.

All right.
So it's over?
It's over.

Good.

What?

Okay, so who was
the guy with the wallet?

Sweetie, sweetie.
I don't feel like it.
Not tonight.

Really?

I'm just so tired.

You are?

Yeah. Oh.
I'm almost asleep.

I understand.