06x16 - The Coin of Destiny

[bunniefuu]

That cheeseburger?

No.

Ravioli?

No.

Uh-uh.

I'm gonna go with
spinach quiche.

Not even close.

Baba ganoush.
Ooh!

♪ Tell me why

♪ I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who

♪ Can stop my heart
as much as you

♪ 'Cause I don't have
the answers

♪ I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you,
so, baby

♪ Help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper
in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens
after here?

♪ Let's take
each other's hand

♪ And jump
into the final frontier ♪

I love this collar.
It's so soft and nice.

I can't believe

You spent that kind
of money on a coat.

Here, put the baby
right there.

Sweetie, it's a coat.

I'm out a-drinkin'
and a-gamblin'.

You know, it's
an outer garment

I'm using to protect
myself from the elements.

Well, I think
it's indulgent.

Do you know
how much money

it's gonna cost to get
a college education

by the time Mabel's ?

Yeah, and by the way,
I bought some water

to sustain my body weight.

I hope that was all right.

You know what
I'm talking about.

You're not exactly
careful with money.

I got bucks that
says that's crazy.

Look what
we found, $ .

Oh, my god!

Where'd
you find $ ?

Right here
in the restaurant,

right on the way in.

Did you ask if it
belonged to anybody?

Sure, but, they
all said no.

A very high quality of
personage you get in here.

Yeah. How'd you
pick this place?

We flipped a coin.

You're kidding?

No, just flipped a coin.
We narrowed it down.

It was either this
or a Mexican place
on third avenue

That- that has burritos
the size of your head.

Hi, I'm Steven.
I'll be your server
today.

What'll
it be today?

Muffins or, breadsticks?

Ooh! A choice.
Um,

Do you want-

Hey, you know what,
here's how we settle
it. Very simple,

watch what we do.
Muffins or, breadstick,
you're saying.

Watch this.

Muffins.

Muffins it is.

This is- ha, ha-
this is so liberating.

It is. You just
flip a coin,
make a decision.

You can't live that way.

Let's go
to Atlantic city.
What?

Yeah, to gamble
the $ .

Oh, no, no, no.
I don't know.

Oh, come on, Burt,
we're playing
with house money.

House money? Where-
where did you learn
an expression like that?

We have riverboat night
at the community center.

Let's flip the coin
to decide if they should go.

Heads we go,
tails we stay.

All right, here
we go. And,

Atlantic city,
you're going.

Whoo!

Hey, everybody.

I'd like you to meet
my friend Molly and
her son Logan.

What, you're dating
a woman with a child?

You know, mom, they're
actually at the table.

Ira and I are
just old friends.

That's right. Hey, make
yourself comfortable, kid.

Paulie, do me a favor.
Ask Logan a math question.

A math question?

Yeah, yeah, I'm serious.
Go ahead. Anything.

All right, uh,
what- what is, uh,
times ?

, .

That's right.

Muffins.

Thank you very much.

PAUL: Okay, all right,

JAMIE: What?
just a second,
everybody.

Look at my muffin.

What about it?

My muffin
looks like Madonna.

It does not.

From Evita?

Oh, my god!

I don't see it.

From Evita.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, this is wild.

we flip a coin
and pick a restaurant
where you guys find $ ,

we flip it again
to pick muffins
over breadsticks,

and you end up with
a muffin that looks
exactly like Madonna.

Oh, scary.

Paul?

Paul Buchman.

Yeah, yeah,
Lou, how are
you doing?

How are you?

It's been a while.
How you been, sir?

Great, great.
I'm working over

At the television
news magazine show
Hard Editionnow.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah,
Hard Edition.

Good, good, good.

Just started over
at Hard Edition.

Trying to get my first
segment produced over
there at Hard Edition.

Good, good for you.

Okay.

So, uh, you know
my wife Jamie.

Oh, for heaven's sake.
I'm so sorry.

Lou Bonaparte,
Hard Edition.

Yeah.

My folks.

Lou Bonaparte,
Hard Edition.

You know, Paul, uh,

I couldn't help
but, overhear you saying

you had miraculously
received a muffin

That looks exactly
like the Madonna?

No, not the Madonna,
Madonna the singer.

Oh.

I don't see it.

From Evita.

I see it!

It's miraculous, Paul.

This- this
could be a sign
from the almighty.

Do you understand
what we're saying?

It's Madonna
the singer.

Exactly. Not
Celine Dion or, Lou Rawls

Or, someone whose name
has no religious
underpinning whatsoever.

Madonna, Paul.

And you say you haven't
had a segment produced
yet, huh?

Lou, there's-

Paul, what are your
plans for the muffin?

Um, um,

plans? I don't know
that we have plans, Lou.

A little butter, have some
coffee with the muffin.
That's about it.

Oh, that muffin has
Hard Edition
written all over it,

and I'm telling you,
we'll pay you for it.

We'll pay you
handsomely for it,

for the exclusive
rights to a story
on the muffin.

Handsomely?

Embarrassingly
handsomely.

Wow! Enough maybe
to sock away for, oh,
our daughter's education?

Look at that? What,
I'm against education
for my daughter?

No, I'm saying he's
gonna pay us handsomely.

Yeah, 'cause they
have no integrity.

So you're worried about
the integrity of the muffin?

Do you want-

Here's how
we settle it.
Watch this.

Ready?

Can you tell us, was
there any special way
the coin was chosen?

No, Lou, there
really was not.

Um, I needed
a quarter

'cause I was
doing laundry,

and we were
trying to pick
a restaurant,

so I just
reached into
the change bowl.

Fantastic. So,

so, in a way,
this is the coin
of destiny.

Lou, what would I
have to say to you

to make this less
of a big deal?

No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.

I'm with you,
I'm with you. For want
of a load of laundry

the coin of destiny
was born.

And from that
coin of destiny,
an epic muffin.

And from
the epic muffin-

All right,
both of you,
just stop it.

Why can't you
just believe?

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Excuse me. Lou, you
think you pretty much

have everything
you need now?

Nope. Tip of the iceberg,
my friend.

Okay.

Hey.
Hi

Paulie, can I talk
to you for a minute?
Sure.

Yes, and when
you're talking to Paul,

you can talk
to Hard Edition.

If you don't mind,
just Paul.

All right, sir.

What's up?

Let me ask you something.

What did you think
of Logan?

Nice kid,
like him, nice.

Yeah, that's all?

Like a human abacus,
but-

Just nice, nice kid.
Why?

I- I think
he might be my son.

I'm sorry.
What, what, what?

Yeah, yeah, I mean,
Molly, she's not sure
who Logan's father is, see.

And he's years old,

and it was about years
and months ago that
Molly and I were together.

In my life, I've never
heard you mention Molly.

It was just
a one-time thing.

It was during
"hands across America."

You mean, during-
during the actual
demonstration?

Yeah.

Okay, see,
here's the thing.

You were just supposed
to be holding hands.

Come on, you're standing
with a cute girl in a ditch
holding hands.

Any moron could
close that deal.

Hey, how come you just
got one kind of mustard?

Because we're cavemen.

What- what- what- what
are you gonna do
about this now?

I'm gonna go down
after this and
get a blood test.

Wow! You know what?

I'll bet you
it's nothing.

I'll bet you you'll
be free and clear.

Yeah, but, Paulie,
here's the thing.

I'm not sure I want it
to be free and clear.

What are you
talking about?

I mean I like this kid.
I really do.

And it's strange.
I feel like a connection
with him. I cant explain it.

Ha ha. Ira, Ira, Ira,
Ira, Ira, Ira.

What?

Let me explain
something to you.

Fatherhood is a very
complicated thing.

You don't just walk
into a relationship.

There's a lot of-
there's building-

Cut it out,
will ya?

What do you think?
I know that.

You think this is some-
some goofball impulse?

I am profoundly moved
by the notion that this
could by my flesh and blood,

and I'm deeply, deeply
drawn to him as a parent.

Okay, okay, I'm,
I'm sorry.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Hey, Marvin.

I want to talk
to the coin.

Oh, for god's sake,
Marvin.

Ask the coin if I should
call my ex-girlfriend
one more time.

Marvin,
it's- it's a coin.

No, it's not.
It's the coin
of destiny.

It's a quarter.

You used to be
a lot wackier.

All right, Marv, okay, yes,
it is the coin of destiny,

but, it's the coin
of very small destiny.

You know, it's the coin of
muffins versus breadsticks.

It is not the coin
of life decisions.

Thanks, Paul.

Oh, honey.

All right, all right,
Marvin, Marvin, all right.

How many times have
you called her already?

Uh,

That one
doesn't count,

.

Yikes!

Okay, Marvin, the coin
feels you should
seek counseling.

Flip it, please?

All right,
all right,
all right.

Heads you
don't call her,

and tails,
give her a call.

Heads!
So definitely
the answer is

Don't call her.

Flip it again.

Heads.

Flip it again.

Heads.

Flip it again.

Marvin, don't do
this to yourself.
Just go ahead.

Heads.

Okay, all right,
let's test the coin.

Let's see, ask it

If I'm a ' "
Swedish woman.

Tails.
Wow!

Stupid coin.

Hey, hey, hey,
don't insult the coin.

Note to self. Coin may be
bigger story than muffin.

Lou, I'll give you $
to just get out of here.

Yeah. Just throw
our money around.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

BURT: Paulie?

Hey, pop.
Where are you?

Atlantic city.

Atlantic city?
Winning or, losing?

Winning!

Oh, really?
How much?

$ , .

You guys won $ , ?

BURT: yeah, yeah.
Oh, we have to go.

All right.
You know what?

Go and enjoy it.

Okay. Bye.

That is the coin
of destiny.

Stop it.

You still don't
believe it?

No, I don't
believe it.

Fine. Do me
a fav-

How ya doin'?

All right. Listen.
Do me a favor.

Ask that coin a question
for me, will you?

Okay. What?

Ask that coin

If my husband Paul
ordered $ worth
of dinner last night

to be delivered here
while I was sleeping,

even though there was
plenty of food
in the house.

Excuse us one second.

No, no, no,
no, no.

I want you
to hear this.

Go ahead, ask it.

I would never
do that.

Ask the coin.

I don't have to ask the coin,
'Cause I know
I would never do that.

Go ahead, ask it.
I don't have
to ask it--

And at the same time,

ask it if you left
half an egg roll
on the nightstand.

Huh.

I left an egg roll
on the night-

You're just
talking crazy.

Ask it, ask it.
Just ask it.

Okay, fine.

Alright?

The coin is wrong.

Uh-huh. Ask it
if you bought

the Fleetwood mac
laser disc

even though you already
own the CD boxed set.

[GASPS]

I didn't- A,

and two- they're
very different
because-

Ask it, ask it,
ask it.

Okay.

The coin's
wrong again.

Ask it if you've been
making calls to brokers

to get floor seats
for the knick game.

What, are you
tailing me?

Ask it.

All right. It's
the coin of destiny.

Thank you.

Now do you believe?
Yes, I believe.

Look at that.

It's unbelievable.

It looks like

it's gonna jump
right up
off the plate

and sing Don't cry for me, Argentina.

Hey, everybody.

Ah, the Oracle
and Mrs. Oracle.

Ooh.

Lou, you're
hovering again.

Not hovering.
Investigating.

Okay, Paulie,
the question is,

Should I buy shares
of Eastman Kodak?

Let's take a look,
shall we?

Call your broker.

I love that coin.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello. House of Coin.

Hey. Fran, hi.
How you doin'?

Oh, I understand.
Yeah, okay. Hold on.

Okay. That's yes
on proposition ,

and apparently,

no on the bond issue.

Happy to help.

That's what we do here
at house of coin.

I've never been
an Oracle before,

but, I gotta say,
I like it.

Okay.

All right.

How about this?

Ask your coin if calling
my ex-girlfriend

is not something
I should do.

Should I highlight
my hair?

Boxers or, briefs?

No, no, no.
You guys,

the coin is not a toy.
In fact, give me that.

No, we are not
gonna play with it

like a bunch
of silly children.

[ALL MUMBLING]

I want you all
to sit there

and think about
how you're behaving.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

I'm searching for
the coin of destiny.

I see.

So, to me,

the coin means hope,

hope that Louanne
really does love me

and maybe one day

there will be joy
in my heart again.

Hey.

Hey. Are we glad
to see you.

Ask the coin,

tonight, should we have
Chinese or, Italian?

What are we
really saying,

that we're
actually incapable

of making a decision
on our own?

Pretty much
at this point, yeah.

So, what,
flip the coin.

I don't know that
we should be rely-

Flip the coin.
Flip the coin.

Heads, Chinese.
Tails, Italian.

Chinese.

[PHONE RINGS]

There you go.

Another decision
made nicely.

Hello.

Hey, pop.

Well, let me ask.
Hang on a second.

Sweetie. It's my dad.
Red or, black?

What?

They're at the roulette wheel.
Atlantic city. Red or, black?

The roulette wheel?

Red or, black?
Flip flip flip flip.

Red.

Red it is.

You got it.

I got another call.
I'll see you.

Hello.

Hey, Mark.
How you doin'?

Let me ask.
Hold on a second.

Sweetie, it's mark.
Corned beef or, brisket?

Corned beef.

CB. You need any help
with the side dish?

No. He's okay
with the side dish.

Yeah. Enjoy.
Got another call.

Hello. Hi. Who's this?

Millie and Barney Kraft.

Oh, you met my folks
in Atlantic city there.

Oh, isn't that nice?

What is it?

I'll be happy to help.
Hold on one second.

Sweetie, station wagon
or, a minivan?

Minivan, but
I don't think-

It's the minivan.

Happy to help.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

With that coin
and one of those
multi-line phones,

I could be
the king of France.

Hey, look who's here.
Come on in,
come on in.

Hey, got any food?

It's okay. Kitchen's
right through there.

I thought
we'd come over,

spend a little time
with Logan,

let him establish
those all-important
family bonds.

Ira, don't you think

You're getting a little
ahead of yourself here?

I'm telling you.
I am the kid's father.

If you don't believe me,
forget this blood test.

Just ask the coin.

Oh, I don't think
we wanna use-

Why don't you just
ask the coin?

You want me to flip
my own coin?

Flip your own coin.

That's not
gonna work.

This is the only coin
that does that.

This is the coin
that does it.

I think DNA testing
edges out the coin
in this case.

Just flip it.

This is exciting.

Heads- I'm the father.
Tails- I'm not.

And the answer is,

Heads.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

I'm a dad.

This coin has never
been tested at all
to any degree.

Hey, Paulie. How come
you got only one kind
of mustard?

That's my boy!

PAUL: I love that you and I
have the coin of destiny.

Sweetie, this is not
the coin of destiny.

Hey, are you losing
faith in the coin?

I accidentally put
the coin of destiny

Into the washing
machine.

Well, that's not
a good use of the coin,

now, is it?

Gee. Really?

Well, go get it back.

Yes, all right,
I'll do that.

Good luck.

It's in here
with ,
other quarters.

Oh.

When was this?

Before, when I went down
to do the laundry.

So we've been
dispensing advice

based on a false
coin of destiny.

This is
what I'm saying.

Well, that's
just irresponsible.

You're the one
begging me to flip it.

Well, I didn't think
you'd be so flippant
with it.

Idea for follow-up-

Paul and Jamie
a year later.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Who is it?

It's us, Burt
and Sylvia Buchman!

SYLVIA: Your
Irate parents.

What do you mean,
Irate?

Give me that coin.

Why?

We want to stamp it
and smoosh it

And hurt it
and bend it-

I get the idea.
What happened?

Black. Black happened.

roulette wheels
in a row, all black.

Thank you, coin.

[PHONE RINGS]

Wow. Well, the coin
is speechless.

The coin doesn't know
what to, what to say.

Hello. Hey, Mark.

What do you mean,
food poisoning?

[MARK COUGHING AND VOMITING]

Oh, that sounds-
you know what?

Just call us
when you're done.

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

There's a man
who wishes he had brisket.

Hey, Marvin.
What-- Hi.

Hey, everybody.

I'd like to introduce
my fiancée Louanne.

Your fiancée?

I finally thought,
screw the coin
of destiny,

and I called her.

I just was so impressed
by his persistence.

times is the charm,
huh, guys?

I guess so, huh?

And Marvin's
such an angel.

He's already paid off
all my credit cards.

Is that right?

And he's gonna
re-sod my lawn.

That's nice of you.

And he agreed
to no sex.

Stand back, everybody.
She's all mine.

Possible future segment-

Husbands without hope.

[DOORBELL BUZZING]

Hey.

Oh, what's the matter?

Blood work came back,
and I am not the father.

Ooh.

Are you okay?

Yeah, sure. It's okay.

There's a "free Tibet"
rally down at the UN.
A little later.

I'm thinking
of stopping by.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Listen, it's a little
disappointment.

At least no real
damage was done,
you know?

Hi.

Here's your minivan.

Honey, you know
the Krafts.

No one knows for sure

which quarter
in the pillowcase

Is the coin of destiny.

Some day, oh, maybe
some lucky fella,

or, gal.

Thanks a lot.

Will find the coin

and rediscover
its amazing powers.

Maybe it'll be you.

Maybe it'll be
your neighbor.

Maybe it'll be
your uncle.

Maybe it'll be your
neighbor's uncle.

Maybe it'll be
your uncle's neighbor.

Maybe your uncle
is your neighbor.

Lou, if we
could just--

Or, maybe, just maybe,
It'll be me--

Lou Bonaparte
for Hard Edition.

No one knows for sure

which quarter
in the pillowcase

is the coin of destiny.

Some day, oh, maybe
some lucky fella,

or, gal.

Thanks a lot.

Will find the coin

and rediscover
its amazing powers.

Maybe it'll be you.

Maybe it'll be
your neighbor.

Maybe it'll be
your uncle.

Maybe it'll be your
neighbor's uncle.

Maybe it'll be
your uncle's neighbor.

Maybe your uncle
is your neighbor.

Lou, if we
could just-

or, maybe, just maybe,
It'll be me.

Lou Bonaparte
for Hard Edition.