06x18 - The Baby Video

[bunniefuu]

There's a nice
clean dog.

This thing is great.
Tremendous suction.

What are you doing?

Just cleaning up Murray.

With my breast pump?

I'm gonna clean it.

I'm just
doing his back.

It's fur.

It was his idea.

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect

♪ Well, that's really true this time

♪ I don't have the answers
I don't have a plan

♪ All I have is you

♪ So, darling
help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows
what happens after here

♪ Let's take
each other's hand

♪ As we jump into
the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

Paul: Honey! Sarah
wants to know if
we have any cookies.

Honey-- Whoo, hot
and moist on my face.

I know.

Sorry.

I'm cooking for my
mommy and me group.

What are you
making, rubber?

No. Mashed peas.

That's good,
because regular peas

Would be just
too appetizing.

Honey, health. Healthy food
for the children. Health.

Right.
What are you eating?

Cocoa Puffs.

[SNIFFING] Wow.

What?
[SNIFFING]

I just never realized
that peas smelled
so much like monkeys.

Don't make
fun of me.

No, I'm not.
I'm really not.

I'm the one who got
Sarah involved in this
mommy and me group.

I'm trying
to sell it.

I understand.
I admire you
for that effort.

There is just nothin'
to eat, is there?

Yes, and anytime
you want to food-shop,

don't think you'll be
hurting my feelings.

Baby, is this,
is this you
or the powder.

It's my
breast milk.

What?

I really--
I do want to
taste this.

So taste it.

Is that weird?
No, I think it's nice.
Taste it.

'Cause, you know,
it's you.
It is.

This is your essence,
your life force.
That's true.

This is
what nourishes
our daughter.

Oh, honey,
please taste it.

You know,
maybe later.
Okay.

SARAH: Paul!

Cookies!

Not so much cookies.
How about some Cocoa Puffs?

Great. And bring
sugar also.

Sugar for
the Cocoa Puffs?

Yeah.

Okay.

You know what, sweetie?

Little Claire may not
be such a fan of the,
uh, the mashed peas.

Maybe some nice
mashed Twinkie.

Here we go, here we go.

Some nice Cocoa Puffs.

a little extra sugar,
and I'll, uh...

I'll see ya
when you land.

What are you
watching there?

[WOMAN ON TELEVISION SINGING
CHILDREN'S SONG]

Oh, well, then,
it must be good.

It's her favorite video.

It's called
Teeny Tunes.

She can't be reached
right now.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Wow. Who's that?

It's Ira!

Hi, slinky.
Hey, Paulie.

You know
Claire and Sarah.

Hi, Sarah.
Hi.

Hello, Mabel.

Guess what? Uncle Ira
brought you a present.

Oh, look,
Mabel's saying,

"What is it, Ira?
What is it?"

It's a watch!

Mabel's first watch.

How great.

And what
an appropriate
gift, too,

'Cause, you know, at :
she has an appointment
to spit up on herself.

Mommy, I have to go
to the bathroom.

Well, you know
where it is.

I want you
to take me.

[SIGHS]
Okay, but only
till you're .

Hey, is that--

Is that that Teeny Tunesvideo?

What, you know
about this?

Yeah, it's like
the hottest
kids' tape around.

It's unbelievable.
It's a woman
in a housecoat,

Just ironing
and singing.

Yeah, you know,
it's weird, too,

Because I know of
at least three
adult videos

which begin exactly
the same way.

It's wild.
Kids love it.

They just eat it up.
They stare at it.

They're hypnotized
by it. They just
sit there quietly.

It's great,
'cause the grownups,

the parents can just
live for a second.

We hate it.
Let me finish.

We hate them, though.

Why?
Because... Why?

Because it's
like baby opium.

Kids just stare at it,
and their brains shut off.

James. She's
ironing and singing.

Exactly. She's teaching
children nothing.

These things ought to
open up kids' minds.

Ah, well, why don't
you write one if
you know so much?

Oh, all right.
No, I'm just saying.

Paulie could direct it,
I could produce it.

I mean, what are we
talking about here,

a $ or $ cost
per dozen?

Each one for . times,
say, , units. That's--

Please write one.

It's not a terrible idea.

We could make
a little money.

God, we'd be helping
parents out.

With a big
financial upside.

We could teach kids
life lessons.

Make a big, stupid
pile of cash.

I could actually get
excited about this.
Me, too.

Are we doing this?
Yes, absolutely.

All right.
All right.

Sweetie, what
do you think?

What happened now?

Okay, all right, Pop,

Again, here...

Melon rinds,

glass,

utensils,

anything that
isn't a liquid,

not a friend
to the drain.
That's all.

I know. I'm sorry.

That's all right,
that's all right.

So how are you
doing, Pop? Good?

I'm good.
I'm very good.

Yeah? How'd everything
go at the doctor's?

It went great.

He gave me these drops,

These ginkgo
biloba drops.

You ever hear
of those yet?

Sure. Ginkgo biloba.
Yeah.

Eight drops a day,
and now I hear better.

I didn't know you had
a problem hearing.

I didn't. I heard fine.
Only now, I hear better.

I hear everything.

I hear stuff that
I never heard before.

Like what?

Rain.

Birds.

All the wonders
of nature.

SYLVIA: Burt!

Also, some things
in the apartment.

You can't believe
the stuff I've heard.

You know
my favorite song?

♪ The last time
I saw... ♪

Paris.

♪ The last time I saw Paris ♪

I never heard the word
"Paris" until this week.

All my life I thought
it was a song
about a blind man.

It's a song about Paris.
That's unbelievable.

I heard the doorbell ringing,
Uh-huh.

The coffee
percolating...

Yeah.
And I heard
you have a brother.

[STAMMERS]
A what?

Right there.

What are you
talking about?

On the refrigerator.
There.

This?
Yeah, that's
your brother.

Yeah, under
the banana magnet.

I thought this was like
your friend's grandson
or something.

So did I, and
then the drops.

I heard
your mother explain

what that $ check was
she wrote every month.

Meet your brother,
Eddie Woo.

Do I have
a foster brother?

Your eastern brother.

He's Thai.

Oh, he's Thai.

Eats everything
with mint.

Did you tell him yet?

Uh-huh.
You did?

How did he take it?
He took it fine.

Okay, please don't
talk about me
in the third person.

I don't like it.

It doesn't mean
that we love you
any less, Paulie.

I, I understand.

Would you like us
to take you to Carvel
for a sundae?

I think
I'll be okay.

IRA: A brother
in Thailand, huh?

The first Buchman
who can ride
an elephant.

[CHUCKLES]

Paulie.

Elephant. Yeah, hops
right on the elephant.

Yeah, okay.
All right.

So what do
we think?

Well, if you keep
the sets minimal

and you don't hire any
actors, it could work.

Of course
it could work.

We can make
a very nice,

very sellable
little film here.

One that educates
and stimulates.

And yet is
commercially viable.

And yet doesn't pander,
but instead inspires
young imaginations.

All right. Whatever.

Whatever?
You say whatever--

All right, both of you,
I will turn this car around.

All right.
[CLEARS THROAT]

James, tell us
what you got
on the script.

Okay. The central
character is,

you're gonna
love this,

The Sandman.

The Sandman?

You mean, the guy
who puts you to sleep?

Yes. I think the Sandman
could teach kids
what sleep is

and why they need it.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

'Cause they're never
gonna figure that out.

Hey, you know what?
If we're collaborating--

All right, all right.
Talking nicely.

We're talking nicely.
Everybody--

No, wait a minute.

Why do we need
a character like that?

Why can't
it just be a person?

You know, like,
in a housecoat.

Maybe ironing
and singing.

It's already
been done, Ira.

Yes, so we know
that it works.

We're trying to do
something better here.

We want to edify,
not just anesthetize.

I have no idea
what she just said.

Ira.

Listen to me.

The iron lady
in the housecoat

is a beloved
national figure.

I say we get an iron,
we get a housecoat,

and we just roll tape.

I mean, how simple
can it be?
Are you just gonna make any--

All right, everybody.
Listen, James,
why don't you...

The floor is yours.

Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]

The Sandman is standing
over a crib, and he sings,

[TALKING] "As the sun sinks
below the horizon

"a handful of dust
I'll sprinkle your eyes in.

"Sleep is a natural
phenomenon

"and with my help
it can go on and on."

That's all I got so far.

"I will sprinkle
your eyes in."
JAMIE: What have you got?

I thought it was great.
Very clever, thank you.

All right,
all right, look.

Can the Sandman at least
be in a housecoat?

JAMIE: No.

No. He has to be
in a sandman costume.

What's a Sandman costume?

You know, a long hat
with a ball on the end

And the one-piece gold thing
with the little flap.
Oh, cool!

All right. Is there
any reason why he
can't be ironing?

DEBBIE: Ira?
JAMIE: You know what?

What do you think?

Hmm?

Choose. Rule.
Make a ruling.

I-- Well--

You know, it's a teeny,
little, teeny,
kiddie, tuney video.

Oh, boy, you've never
been excited about this.

I've never been-- What?
We've been doing this

for, like, exactly seconds.
So what?

Show some enthusiasm.

I don't-- You know, it's...

I, I like videos.

I don't know why
we have to make one,
you know.

I mean, I like pancakes.
I'm not opening an IHOP.

You know, so I don't...

I have been
raising your child
for four months...

Okay, here comes
the child-raising story--

Nine months
of pregnancy...

All right,
now the swelling.

My ankles swollen
like redwoods--

All right. Here we go.
Sandman.
I'm excited, excited,

Excited, very excited. Whoo!
Excited. Very excited.

Hey, Paulie,
come on, would ya?
Hurry up!

You know how much
these shyster
camera guys cost?

I'm just
making a point.

So my friend who works
for the cable company

says he's gonna broadcast
the video for us.
How about that.

Oh, that's good.

It'll save people
the trouble of
actually buying it.

All right.

Come on, Paulie,
hurry up!

All right. Sandman,
at your service.
[BELLS JINGLING]

Sweetie, in terms
of the pregnancy,

the humiliation,
the pain,

I would say
we're even now.

Where's your sand pouch?

What?
Where's your Mr. Sandman
sand pouch?

[STAMMERING]

Where do you think
Mr. Sandman
carries his sand?

In his Mr. Sandman
sand pouch?
Yes.

Well, I don't know what
I was thinking, forgetting
myself like that.

Day one, you show up without
your Mr. Sandman sand pouch.

Put it over your shoulder.
Don't wear it like a purse

Hey, come on, before
we actually start
hemorrhaging money.

You'll hit the,
the music there,

and I'll mouth along
with the singer,

And then you can get me
as I'm moving
toward the crib.

Hey, creep.

What?

Creep. You have to creep
toward the crib.

Remember, you are
the Sandman.

I know. The horizon,
sprinkle, sprinkle.
The sun sits below.

James, James,
can we go?

Well, it's gonna be more
exciting if he creeps.
All right.

Yeah, it's gonna
be a thrill ride.

Okay, you
know what, Mr.

You okay there,
Mr. Director?

Yeah. Yeah,
I think Hitchcock

used to wear this
around, didn't he?

All right, let's go.

Ira, you'll say,
"Action."

Paulie,
you're the director.

Yes, but look
how I'm dressed.

Are they gonna
listen to me?
[SCOFFS]

Okay, here we go. Tony!

All right. Lights.

And,

action!
[TAPE PLAYS TINKLY
MUSIC-BOX MUSIC]

Wait, wait, wait.
Sweetie, what is that?
I don't know.

What did we just
say about creeping?

I thought
that qualified
as creeping.

So did I. I thought
it was great creeping.

He was walking.

James, he was creeping.

He looked like a guy
getting the paper.

Okay, when
you say "he,"

I'm right here. Okay?

James, perhaps
you want to show him
how he should creep.

Happy to. How hard is it?
Creeping. He's creeping.

Well, that's what
I was going for.
Well, it didn't--

Can we sh**t,
please?

All right. We're back
to one, everybody.

All right,
here we go. Tony.

This is gonna be
the winner.

And lights.

And,

action.

[TINKLY MUSIC PLAYING]

Sweetie, sweetie,
sweetie, sweetie.

What's wrong with that?

What happened there,
the Sandman slip a disc?

Whoa, that's very cute.
I was trying--

He was creeping.

Okay, I'm pretty sure
that wasn't creeping.

I don't know what it was,
but I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Okay, listen, if that's
not creeping,
I don't know what is.

Hey, either I was born
yesterday, or it wasn't--

Okay. The Sandman
cannot work like this!

You know who would
really enjoy a copy
of your baby video?

Who?
Your brother.

Ma--

Don't be jealous.

I'm not jealous.
Why would I be jealous?

What? You never heard
of sibling rivalry?

I don't really think
of him as a sibling.

Truck! Truck!

What are you saying?

Outside.
Don't you hear it?

Oh, yeah,
good for you, Pop.

Big truck.
Yeah, good.

Those drops
are incredible.

Ma, let me
ask you something.

Eddie Woo lives
in a hut in Chiang Mai,

So how's he gonna
watch a video?

They sent us a tape.

Somebody over there
must have something.

All right. So I'm gonna
send my brother a video.

Oh, good, because
you know how
he looks up to you.

Eddie-- Eddie Woo
looks up to me?

My god,
he idolizes you.

JAMIE: All right, everyone,
it's time for the video.

I wanna watch
The Terminator.

Ha. What a
cutie she is.

Not gonna happen,
Claire. Get real.

I wanna watch
The Terminator.

You know what, Claire?
This is actually a better
video for you to watch.

[TINKLY MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I'm the Sandman

♪ As the sun sinks
below the horizon

♪ I'm the Sandman

I don't like this.

Turn him off.

♪ Sprinkle your eyes in

Sprinkle
your eyes in?

[SHUSHING]

♪ Sleep is a natural
Phenomenon

♪ And with my help

♪ It can go on and on

He's scary.

He's gonna throw
sand in my eyes.

[BABIES CRYING]

Mommy, it's scary.

Really?

CLAIRE: Scary
Sandman, Mommy.

So then
what happened?

By the end of the song,
they were all crying.

No.
Screaming
and wailing.

Even Mabel?

Especially Mabel.
That's when she started
throwing up the baby food.

Sweetie,
no offense, but...

Video or no video,

that baby food of yours
was not gonna stay down.

Did you see
the color?

Yeah, that was
the color of peas.

It was
the color of fear.

It was peas, but...

We'll just see
what the doctor says.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

And you know what?
I'll tell you something else.

I find it hard to believe

that Sandman would cause
that much of a ruckus.

[SCREAMING] It's him!
It's the Sandman!

[SCREAMING]

Mommy, the Sandman's
after me.

The Sandman's
after us!

Mommy, make
the Sandman
go away.

Why don't I--
I'll wait downstairs.

[SANDMAN VIDEO PLAYING]

There's got to be
some detail,

some subliminal
element

That is just setting
these kids off.

They say Boris Karloff used
to get this kind of reaction
when he went out in public.

Thank you.

I'm just saying
he was a decent man
and people knew that

in the end.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Good, so just,
after years of
getting pelted with rocks,

I should be okay, huh?

Jamie, hi.
Hi.

Hi.
[CLAIRE SHRIEKS]

Is that him?
Is that him?

Honey, calm down,
calm down.

The Sandman is
not gonna talk.

Oh, Sarah,
I'm so sorry.

I just--
Ow!

Sarah, I just
want to say

I hope this
doesn't sour you

on the mommy
and me group.

It really is
a worthwhile thing.

Yeah, no, no, I'm sticking
with the mommy and me thing.
Oh, good.

But I think it might be
better if you skipped
a meeting or two.

I mean, just until
everybody calms
down a little bit.

You know?

And the mommies,
they all agree with me.

You talked to
the mommies
about me?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, uh, okay.

Okay, Claire,
turn around.

Step, step, step,
out we go.

So sorry.

PAUL: Bye!
[CLAIRE SHRIEKS]

JAMIE: Sorry!

Was I just thrown out
of a play group?

Sweetie, see,
without the sound,
just the picture,

It's very cute.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

What are you saying,
that my song
is the problem?

Honey, I'm just
a man on the run
looking for answers.

Hey.
Uh-oh.

The sales figures
from our first weekend.

PAUL: And?
Two!

?

No, two.
Two tapes.

One 'cause
they were out of blanks,

And the other
'cause it was free
when you bought a blank.

Boy, that's just
really inspiring.
James...

A housecoat
and an iron.
I begged you.

All right, all right,
both of you. All right.

Okay, Paulie,
we now enter

what I find to be
the most rewarding phase
of any business venture,

recriminations.

Well, I blame you.

Yeah,
and I blame you.

Well, there you go.

Paulie, let me
ask you a question.

Why did you have
to act that way?

You know what?
You get what
you pay for,

That's what
I always say.

Yeah, well...
Ooh.

Have a little
sympathy for me

'cause you know
I lost my shirt.

What?

What does that
taste like?

Cocoa Puffs.

Okay.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I hope you're happy.

What's the matter?
We got a package
from your brother.

From who?

BOTH: Eddie Woo!
Oh, it's my brother.

He's very upset.

Listen to this.

"k*ll Sandman,
Mommy Buchman.

k*ll Sandman.
Sandman must die."

Well, you know what?
Send him bucks a month.

Let him get
some therapy, too.

Don't make fun of him.

He hasn't had
the advantages
that you've had.

I understand, Ma,
I really do.

Yeah, you--
Airplane!

Airplane!

Big airplane.

Oh, right.
Good, good, Pa.

You are scaring everyone
in the Pacific Rim.

This is the first time
I've ever been
ashamed of you.

Ma.

Can't you just once

put your brother
ahead of yourself?

Ma, if I could get rid
of the Sandman tomorrow,
believe me, I would.

Why don't you?

What do you
want me to do?

Well, for god sakes,
do something.

Hey, kids, guess what?

Great news.
The Sandman is gone.

There is
no more Sandman.

See? The Sandman
is going away.

That's right. See?
Good-bye.

[SPITS]
Goodbye, Sandman.

Sandman is gone. See?

Sandman shoes.
Sandman all gone.

Jump, jump,
he's gone. Okay?

The Sandman is nuts.

The Sandman was just silly.

The Sandman
was a silly man.

Oh, silly man.

He's so silly,
silly man.

Look how silly he is.

[CHILDREN GIGGLING]

PAUL: You know what,
this is not any better.

You should be happy
and relieved.

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, sure.

You should.
It's a big improvement.

Look, Mommy,
it's silly man.

You're right, honey.
It is silly man.

Look, silly man!

Oh, isn't that just
like you saw on TV?

Well, good
talking to you.
JAMIE: See you later.

Nice to see you.
Bye-bye.

PAUL: I think I liked it
better the other way.

At least kids respected
me a little bit.

Silly man!

Silly man, do the
stomping thing,
silly man.

Um, silly man
doesn't really want

to do the stomping
thing, okay?

Oh, please?

Oh, that's nice,
silly man.
Thanks a lot.

Okay, this is it.

Okay.

Well?

We have any cookies
in the house?

Okay, this is it.

Okay.

Well?

We have any cookies
in the house?