06x20 - Mother's Day

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mad About You". Aired: September 23, 1992 – May 24, 1999.*
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Paul and Jamie Buchman face an unexpected challenge after 25 years of marriage when their daughter moves away from home to study at university.
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06x20 - Mother's Day

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[HUMMING]

Oops.

♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do

♪ And tell me who
can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Let's take
each other's hand

♪ And jump into
the final frontier ♪

PAUL: Okay, Mabel,
let me ask you.

She's your mother,
so you know her.

Which do you think
she would rather have
for Mother's Day?

Choice A,
a lovely scarf. See?

That she can wear
about the neck,

and when she gets older,
about the head.

All right, sure.

Or potential
gift number two,

nut clusters.

Okay.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
You know what?

You're really not
helping much here.

And need I remind you

that both our names
are gonna be on this gift,

so you might wanna shape up,
my little honey.

Yeah.

Hey, Paulie,
James home?

Uh... No. She and Fran
went to Nike town.

Great.
Marvin, bring it in.

Bring what in?

It's my Mother's Day gift
for James.

I brought it today
because I'm working
on Sunday.

A rocking chair?

Yes.

That's
a great present.

I know. She can sit,
she can rock.

Oh, look at this.

She can hold Mabel,

she can rock her
to sleep, and she
can sing to her.

She could sing.
Of course.

Old MacDonald,
farmer in the dell,

do you know
the muffin man?

I get it. All songs
would work with the chair.
This is...

This is a great present.

Well, thank you.

You know what this means,
don't you?
What?

My wife is getting a better
Mother's Day present from you

than she is from me.

Why? What are you
giving her?

Ah, nut clusters.

Nut clusters?

Or a scarf.

Anything else?

Maybe nut clusters
and a scarf.

[LAUGHS]
I know what you do.

You're keeping
the standards low.

That way, next year,
Mother's Day
rolls around,

and you get her
like a pizza
or something,

you're a big star.

Okay, here's
what's gonna happen.

I'm giving her
the rocking chair.

What's the matter
with you?

Please? Let me give her
the rocking chair.

It's such a great present.

Paulie, come on.
Please?

Listen, I'll give her
the rocking chair,

you can give her
the scarf,

and then you keep
the nut clusters
for yourself.

I know how much
you like them,

and everybody
walks away happy.

You would do that.
You would steal
my thunder like that.

Yeah.

That hurts, Paulie.

Oh, come on.
She's my wife,

and I've been
wracking my brains.

I'm totally
out of ideas now.

Oh, Paul...

Ye of little imagination.

What's that?

Mother's Day offers
the imaginative man

a wealth
of possibilities.

Listen to him,
Paulie.

When it comes
to Mother's Day,

Marvin
is the champ.

All right, champ.

I'm serious. Tell him what
you're doing for your mom.

You know those
giant video screens
in Times Square,

about a block high?

It's amazing.

I'm having
a Mother's Day message

displayed for her there.

It'll be dazzling
and special,

and she'll love it.

Okay. I'm giving Jamie
the video screen message.

No way!
Yes, I am.

Come on, come on.
I'll give you
the rocking chair,

you can give it
to your mother.

You give Jamie
the scarf,

and then you guys
split the nut clusters,

and everybody
walks away happy.

Wait a minute.
I don't even like
nut clusters.

I'll eat the nut clusters, all
right? I'll eat the nut clusters
and I'll return the scarf.

We'll both have
a little message up on
the Times Square board.

You can give Jamie
the rocking chair,
like you wanted.

Everybody walks away
happy.

Not everybody.
Yeah, but I do.

PAUL: All right,
what do you think
of this?

"To Jamie,
you're some kind of mom."

Will she like that?

Or you think,
like, maybe
she'll be wondering,

you know?
"Okay, I'm some
kind of mom,

but maybe he doesn't
know what kind."

I can't imagine anybody
taking it that way.

What do you think,
Marvin?

You stole my idea.

Don't be like that, Marvin.

Why don't you have
some joy in your heart

that you reached out,
and you helped your brother?

Drop dead.
If you can.

"You're some kind
of mom"?

Did a light bulb
appear above your head

before you thought
of that one?

What are you putting
up there, big sh*t?

Oh, wouldn't you
like to know?

Well, if you're
gonna mock me,
I'd like to see.

Okay.

Just so you know
what true artistry is.

Look at this.

MAN: Next, please.

"Is there anything purer
than your sweet love

in Earth beneath
or sky above?"

What?
No, nothing.

It's a little schmaltzy,
you know?

No.

Hey, hey, hey,
easy, easy.

Okay.
That's all I need
is this criticism

from the author
of "you're
some kind of mom."

All right, Marvin.

What else have you
written, Paul?

"Get well soon"?

Just keep reading.
Now, what you got?

"No sunset has your warmth.

No ocean
has your depth.

You hold me
when I ache.

You stroke me
when I wepth."

What?

"Wepth"?

What about it?

Nothing.

"Always thinking
of your milky skin."

Hmm.

"Your raspy
little laugh,

the time we talked
till dawn."

This is your actual
biological mother?

Read the ending.

Oh. "Oh, so sweet,
so coy, so sassy.

I'll always love you,
my beautiful Cassie."

Cassie's...
My mother.

Of course she is. Okay.
All right, all right.

And then after
they show the message,

I'm gonna
have them scan in
a picture of her.

I'm gonna do that.
That's a great idea, Marvin.

Thank you for that idea.

MAN: Next, please.

Hi. How are you?

Here's what I've
come up with so far.

Is to my wife.
"To Jamie, you're
some kind of mom."

What do you think
of that?

"You're some kind
of mom." Is that good?
You like that?

It's the best one
we've ever had.

Wow. Isn't this lovely?

Wait till you hear what
I'm doing for Jamie.
What?

At exactly : ,
I'm gonna take her up
to the Marriot Marquis,

and we're gonna look
out the window,

and she's gonna see
this huge and gigantic
Mother's Day greeting

That I wrote up on
the Times Square screen.

Wow. You are really
pulling out all the stops.

And I should know
because I'm still using

The bath powder
you gave me last year.

Ma, you know, don't you?

There's a big surprise
for you, too.

Me? I don't need a fuss.
I've had 'em.

I'm ashamed to tell you
how many Mother's Days.

What kind
of surprise?

What's that?

What kind of surprise?

A present.

Big, very thoughtful
present.

And a card. A card
and present together
with the card. One second.

Okay, I got
a big problem.

I forgot to get mom
a present.

Oh, Paul.

I was so busy
with the Jamie stuff,
I totally slipped my mind.

Did you get her
anything?

Yeah.
Make it
from both of us.

No.
Oh, come on.
Why not?

Because it's not
the kind of thing--

Oh, Debbie,
please, please?

Debbie please what?

Okay. Uh, Ma,
you remember last week

when I took you to see The Scarlet Pimpernel?

Yeah.
Yeah, well,
that was from Paul, too.

Told ya.

I'm sorry, Ma.
It's just--

In my myopia,
I forgot.

Fine.

In my myopia,
I'm saying.

Paul, please,
it's nothing.

Really?
Nothing.

She says it's nothing,
but in fact...

Yeah.
It's something.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Now, hold the calendar
a little higher.

Point to the date.

What's the matter
with this damn thing?

Oh, Burt, are you okay?

Hey, how are you?
Jamie Buchman?

Uh, no, but--

I don't care
who you are.

Just sign here.

Okay.
Here you go.

"Klondike Pete"?

Yeah, well, you don't care
who I am. There you go.

More flowers for you.
Oh! From Mark and Fran.

Oh, how sweet.

Isn't that nice?
I'll put this

with the other
, flowers.

Oh, how nice.
Ma...

I'm saying, "how nice."

Okay, I think we should
open some presents.

There's a good idea,
opening gifts.

Oh, what a lovely looking
rocking chair.

Good idea.
We'll start with
something big.

No. I think there may be
something here for you, Deb.

Oh, from Ira. "With love
to my favorite mother
Jamie."

Oh, my God!

[MOCKING]
Oh, my God.

Cake?
Yeah, cake.

Cake!
That's a good idea.

Come on in
and have some
of Jamie's cake.

Cake for all the mothers.

Later for me.

[GOOFY MUSIC PLAYING]

Help me!

Ma? Oh, my God!

Sylvia!
Are you okay?

I've broken a leg.

Are you sure?

Oh, it's definitely broken.

All right, Sylvia.
Don't move. I'm gonna
call an ambulance.

Oh, no, no,
please, dear.

Finish your cake,

then we'll
worry about me.

DEBBIE:
How do you feel, Ma?

I'm fine, thank you.

Don't be so concerned.

It's only a limb.

Oh, Ma.

You know
what's really k*lling me?

The cling.

The what?

The static cling.

My pants are clinging
to the sheets,

it's driving me crazy.

God bless you,
Sylvia,

worrying about
static cling at
a time like this.

Do me a favor.
Get me the static guard.

It's in my purse.
Thank you.

Sure, Ma.

You poor thing.

I feel so terrible
that this happened.

All I can say is
better me than you.

Found the doctor.

Mrs. Buchman,
hi, I'm Dr. Hill.

Doctor,
thank goodness.

Let's take a look,
shall we?

Yes.

[SCREAMS]

Mrs. Buchman--

You do what
you have to do.

Okay.

Ow.

Oh, boy, Mom's got
some grip, huh?

How would you
describe the pain?

Like a squeezing
sensation.

I can't even
feel the pinky.
It's so.

Your mom's pain.

Of course, of course.

It's unrelenting
and severe.

Oh, my little
fragile dove.

Ah! Ohh!

Bad there?

Oh, my God.

You go ahead.
Do what you have to do.

You're a very brave woman,
Mrs. Buchman.

I know.

All right.
I wanna send you over
for a couple of X-rays,

just in case.

Oh, my God.

Why don't you all
meet her back here

in about minutes?

Okay, okay.

Bye, Ma.
We love you.

We'll see you shortly,
sweetheart.

Courage, Sylvia.

Best mom in the world,
that's what you are.

I'd wave,
except for the pain.

Those darn Amish.

Amish?

Well, they invented
the rocking chair,
didn't they?

I don't think
it was them.

I forgot my coat.
I'll meet you down there.

They invented
the shoehorn
years ago.

Hi, Sylvia.

I was, uh...
You know...

I was just
testing it out.

How'd that go for you?

Oh, fine. It's fine.

Responded well,
the leg?

Surprisingly well, yes.

Sylvia, you didn't actually
hurt your leg, did you?

Sure, I did.
Sylvia.

Well, for your information,
even as we speak,

I'm in the midst
of wave upon wave
of searing pain.

Sylvia.

I mean,
walk a mile in my shoes
before you judge.

Not that you could,
in my condition.

Sylvia.

All right.
I didn't hurt my leg.

I mean, you have one baby,
and suddenly I'm nothing.

What?

I mean, it's not
that I begrudge you

the outpouring of love
from your family.

No, of course not.

Except when it comes
at my expense.

I understand.

I'm so ashamed.

Oh, no.
Sylvia, don't be.

No, I'm ashamed.
No, don't be.

I'm telling you
I'm ashamed!

Then be ashamed,
be ashamed.

For God's sakes,
someone says
they're ashamed,

let them be ashamed.

I shudder to think of
the weakness of character
that I have shown.

Sylvia.

You won't tell anyone,
will you?

No. Of course not.

Because I would die
of the humiliation.

I won't tell them.

They'll take the x-rays,
they'll be negative,

I'll limp around a little,
I'll get a little better,

and then it'll be like
our little secret.

I promise.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're a good girl.

Thank you.

Maybe I should've
given you...

A fairer shake
all these years.

Why, Sylvia--

Yeah, yeah, right.
What's done is done.

Boss.

Marvin, what are you
doing here?

It's only
half an hour until your
Times Square message.

Cassie and I
just had a fight.

Cassie?
My mother.

Oh, yeah.

A fight? About what?

She got real flirty
with the taxi driver.

I hate
when she does that.

Oh.
And I told her so.

I said, "how do you think
that makes me feel?"

One thing led to another.

She said she didn't
need this crap.

She got out of the cab
and rushed home.

Wow.

Women.

Yeah, yeah.

They just don't get it.

No. You know what?
They really don't.

But it hurts so much.

Hey, Marvin,
we've all been
there, you know?

Well, sort of.

Hey, boss,
will you do me a favor?

Will you talk to her?

What, me?

Yeah. Just tell her
how bad I feel,

and how much
I love her.

Ask her if she'll
ever see me again.

Marvin,
I don't wanna meddle
in family business.

But I feel so empty
without her.

The air's a dusty gray,

food has no taste,

and sleep is
just a shallow,
sarcastic illusion.

You haven't even
been to sleep yet.

I'm predicting.

Marvin, I will go,
I will talk to her.

You take care of this,
okay?

I will.
Okay.

Thank you.

And tell Cassie
that I love her.

Cassie?

My mother.

Mom?

Hi. Oh...

All you people,
you walk so quietly.

Wow. Somebody seems to be
feeling a little better.

Ohh... I only wish.

The X-ray girl noticed
that my polish was chipping,

so I fought
through the pain.

Oh.

You fought through
the pain to polish
your toenails?

What? When a woman's
in pain,

she needs
to feel pretty.

Yes.

Sylvia, doesn't
it hurt your leg
to bend it like that?

Well, I'm
obviously in shock.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, Ma.

Wasn't it the other leg
that you hurt?

Deb, I'm sure Sylvia knows
which leg she hurt.

No, she's right because
when we found you,

you were
on your right side.

Remember, you fell on
your right side,

which means
you would've broken
the right leg.

You don't know that.

How else would that
have happened?

Maybe she bounced.

She bounced
from the left side
over to her right side.

Maybe.

You know, when
you come to think of it,

how did you catapult
out of that chair anyway, mom?

Well, I--
Debbie...

Clearly she lost control
of the chair.

Lost control?

What is it,
a Lamborghini now?

She lost control
of the chair.

She was rocking excitedly,
and she lost control.

She catapulted herself
out of the chair,

and onto the floor,

landing on and severely
injuring her left leg,

whereupon
she apparently bounced,

coming to land
on her right side.

Is that right,
Sylvia?

Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh.

See?
Yeah.

What?

Nothing. I just find it
hard to believe

that my mother would
just bounce over
like that.

My God, my God, my God.
What are you saying?

Are you saying that
she faked an injury?

And why? Just
to get attention?

Is that what
you're saying?

No, of course not.

Then come on,
apologize to your mother.

No. We weren't
saying anything.
Jamie, I--

You both apologize
to your mother.

I'm sorry.
Sorry, Mom.

No, really, we were
very thoughtless.

Thoughtless,
thoughtless,
thoughtless.

Thank you. Jeez.

I can only hope
that my children
have more respect

if I ever injured myself
on Mother's Day--

Jamie...
Yeah?

I think I made my point.

Well, Mrs. Buchman,
your fibula and tibia
are integrated,

longitudinally aligned,

and still articulating
in concert with your femur.

What?

You're fine.

Isn't that nice?

But considering the pain
that you are clearly in,

something
is probably amiss,

and we really should
immobilize the leg.

Immobilize?

The cast should stay on
for six to eight weeks,

and then we'll
take it from there,
all right?

Good.

A cast? Really?

This is the price
you pay

when you take
a horrible spill.

Okay.

In a moment,
someone will be in

to wheel you
up to orthopedics.

Why don't you guys
meet her up there?

Okay.

Great, fine.
Okay, good.

Hold tight, buttercup.

See ya.

What a good Ma.

All right.

I can't believe that
I accused my own mother
of faking an injury.

I know, sweetie.
We've all had a tough day.

And on Mother's Day,
I-- Ohh!!

What?

Now we're gonna miss
your Mother's Day
surprise.

Why?

Because
it's across town,

and we gotta be there
in just a minute.

Can't we make it
if we hurry?

Maybe, but don't you think
we should be here for mom?

I think we can go.

[DOOR OPENS]

Did you talk to her?

Yes, Marvin, I did.

And?

And she is
a very lovely lady.

And?
Really lovely.

And I must say,
attractive and youthful.

And?

And I told her
what you said.

And?

And she forgives you.

Really?
Yes.

Wow.

Thank you, boss,
thank you.

No problem.
Thank you so much.

Listen, do me a favor,
will you, if you don't mind?

Stick around till closing
and lock up for me.

Why?

Nothing.
I got a little date.

With who, Cheryl?

Uh... No.

Molly.

Uh, no.

Rebecca?

No.

Sarah?

No.

Oh, God.
Marvin.

You're going on a date
with my mother.

It is not a date.

Where you taking her?

Actually, we were
thinking of staying in.

Baaaa!

What it is,
it's just the tallest,

most elaborate
Mother's Day card ever.

Oops. Sorry.

Just hope
we didn't miss it.

Oh...

Maybe it's after
this lame one.

"You're some kind of mom."

Bet a light bulb
really went off

over that guy's head.

Yeah.

That is lame, huh?

It's not even clear.
What is that?

"Some kind of mom"?

What kind of mom
is she, guy?

I don't know if anybody
would be thinking that.

Well... Whatever.

So I guess
we missed it.

Oh, honey!
What?

"Is there anything purer
than your sweet love

in Earth beneath
or sky above?

No sunset
has your warmth.

No ocean has your depth.

You hold me when I ache.

You stroke me
when I wepth."

Honey, is that
your message to me?

Yes, it is.

You really know me.

If not me, then who?

And then she told me that
she never really loved me.

And then she held me
one more time,

and then she opened the door,
and she just left.

[SOBBING]

She just walked
right out of my life,

and she's never
coming back again.

And I'm never ever gonna
see your mother ever again.

I-I'm sorry, boss.

I really am.

So...

She's available.

And then she told me that
she never really loved me.

And then she held me
one more time,

and then she opened the door,
and she just left.

[SOBBING]

She just walked
right out of my life,

and she's never
coming back again.

And I'm never
ever gonna see
your mother ever again.

I-I'm sorry,
boss.

I really am.

So...

She's available.
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